Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hey, guys, mail's in.

All right. Let's see.

Mr. Peterson,

Mr. Peterson,

Mr. Peterson...

Occupant...

Mr. Peterson,

Mr. Boyd.

Oh, hey, that's me.

Oh, yeah. I ordered this weeks ago.

This is a whole big book of crossword puzzles.

All right, let's check them out.

This is great because it has all the answers in the back,

so we don't have to worry about all those confusing clues.

- All rightie. - All right.

One across. Penguin.

Okay.

Hey, it fit!

All right. Hey.

These are great once you get the hang of them.

Hey, Miss Howe. You look nice. What's the occasion?

Well, I just signed up with an executive placement agency,

and I have all sorts of interviews lined up this afternoon.

I feel really great about it.

I'm finally gonna get myself out of this brain-dead mausoleum.

Oh, no offense, guys.

- Well, I'm off. - Good luck, Miss Howe.

Thanks but I don't need it. I'm wearing my lucky dress.

I can't lose.

Hi, Sam. I'm off to get a job. Nothing can stop me now.

- In that? - Who am I fooling?

They're not gonna hire a loser like me.

Hey, I just saw the neatest little present

in this kids' shop.

Look at this.

Does this say little Freddy Crane or what?

"Babe hound in training."

Afternoon, all.

Hey, it's Dr. Crane and Dr. Sternin-Crane

and little Frederick Crane-Sternin-Crane-Crane.

What can I get you?

I know I could use a glass of water.

Hey. It's my best pal.

Well, hello to you, too, Sam.

Oh, hey, Frase.

Hi there.

Gimme five.

Pow!

So what are you guys doing here?

Someone got a little thirsty while we were playing in the park.

So he needs some juice?

You said it. Scotch on the rocks.

I'm joking.

No, Sam. Just a little apple juice and a couple of ginger ales, and...

- We're having quality family time. - That's right.

I canceled every single one of my appointments today.

And I called in sick to the lab.

I placed some gauze over the telephone

and altered my voice so as to appear ill.

And the Oscar goes to...

Here we are, dear.

So we decided to have a lovely afternoon with a picnic,

and now we're off to go fly a kite.

I noticed it was windy, too.

I went out and got little Frederick this kite.

What do you think?

I got an idea. Why don't we go try these babies?

I'll be right back. I'm going to get my jacket.

Sam is tagging along?

We need some time to ourselves.

Well, you know, darling, it is Sam.

Frasier, am I going to have to play bad cop?

Now let me understand.

Are you saying that up until this point,

you've been playing good cop?

I got an idea. We can tie your little kite to this.

It'll make a great tail.

Coming! I'm coming.

- Oh, it's you. - Yeah, hi. Hi, Lilith.

Hey, look at you. You got hair like a woman.

I'm here to watch Huckleberry Hound.

At 5:53 a.m.?

Yeah. Yesterday me and Freddy

decided we were going to watch some cartoons.

Who decided? The child can barely speak.

Well, he can nod. Hey, Frasier.

Hey, Freddy, we're going to watch the cartoons.

That wasn't Sam Malone, was it?

Please tell me that was an armed intruder.

It was Sam. Frasier, you've got to do something.

Every day he gets here a little earlier,

and every night he leaves a little later.

Well, darling, he is a friend of ours.

It's getting so we can't make love in the morning.

I didn't know we could make love in the morning.

We can't. It was just a "for instance."

The point is I don't like people seeing me in my nightgown.

It undermines my authority.

I really wouldn't worry about that, dear.

Frasier, do something.

Well, my love, let's...

Let's try to use some insight into what Sam's going through.

His affection for Frederick is...

...is not unusual, under the circumstances.

After all, he's an aging playboy who is just now coming to realize

that he has nothing and that he's got no progeny left

to carry on his name.

That is a frightening revelation for any man.

- Frasier, it's 5:55 in the morning. - The heave-ho.

Sam, could you come down here, please?

Oh. Good timing. Commercial's on.

Sam, there's something we have to ask you.

Good. Cause there's something we have to ask you, too.

What's for breakfast?

He's reacting to the nightgown.

Sam, as much as we adore you

and are happy that you've taken such an interest in Frederick,

we're just not getting enough private time to ourselves.

Oh. Say no more. I understand. You guys want to be alone.

Why don't Freddy and I go over to my apartment?

You can catch up with us later.

No, no, Sam. You misunderstand. We're not saying that we want

to be intimate with each other right now.

God forbid while the sun's out.

No. We're just saying

that we'd like to spend the day with our son,

just the three of us.

Well, shoot. You should have told me sooner.

I mean, I don't want to horn in on you guys.

Tell you what, Freddy, we'll have to watch cartoons

some other time, all right?

Why don't you now go over to your daddy?

There we go. Go to daddy.

Go on, Freddy. It's okay.

Oh, fine.

Now you see what you've done?

My son likes you better than he likes me.

No. Don't be silly. Come on, go to daddy.

You'll have fun. He loves you.

Oh. Now you're being sarcastic.

I'm not being sarcastic. Come on.

Go to your daddy. Go on.

Okay. Come on. Go to your other daddy.

Go to uncle Frasier.

Sam, you have turned my son against me.

If you two don't mind, I think I'll take our little wishbone

into the kitchen for breakfast.

Well, this is...

Frase, I'm sorry.

Sam, he's my son! I made him. I get to keep him!

Come on, Frase, calm down.

This is my house, my child, and my wife who thanks to you

I don't even have time to make love to in the morning!

- I thought you said... - All right, I'm raving!

I'm sorry. It's just...

I like your kid.

I didn't know I liked kids before.

If you like kids so much, why don't you get one of your own?

Oh, Sam.

Look, I'm sorry.

You know I love you.

I think you're one of the greatest guys in the world.

It's just a little bit early on Saturday morning

to lose the love of your child.

Now, if you can just excuse me,

I'm gonna go try to bond with my son over a bowl of Froot Loops.

Oh, God, I love Froot Loops.

Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, hey, Miss Howe, how was your interview?

Did it go any better than the others?

Oh, yeah. It was the usual, you know.

I was sitting in the waiting room

and got nervous and had a quick cigarette,

and that was pretty much that.

Think you could stop throwing that thing?

Why? It gives me something to do.

We got to talk.

It's ever since I've been hanging around

with Frasier's kid...

Sammy, you don't expect me to pay for this beer, do you?

No.

Good.

Come on. What's wrong?

Do you think guys have a biological clock, you know,

like they know when it's time to have a kid?

Oh, yeah. Usually when they say,

"Hey, Carla, you want to go out tonight?"

Come on. What's on your mind?

Well, I've been thinking.

You know, I'm not that young anymore.

It's not that I'm old. It's just that I'm not young.

I'm not old old. I'm just youngish.

I'm... I'm a youngish man.

Please go on.

Well, I'm thinking about...

I'm thinking about being a dad.

What?

Yeah.

I've been playing around all my life,

and, I don't know, maybe I'm missing something.

Have you thought about getting a dog?

I don't want a dog.

I want someone to be with, to take care of, to watch grow.

Have you thought about getting a plant?

You don't think I'll be a good father?

Oh, no.

No. I think you'd be a great father.

So you have a mother picked out?

No. Not really.

Does that mean... You're not going to ask me?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't think about that.

Yeah. Would you?

What are you, nuts?

You think I'm gonna go through labor an eighth time

because you're a little lonely?

Selfish bastard.

You know, it doesn't matter. What the heck. I know a hundred women.

What am I talking about? I know thousands of women.

What am I talking about? I know tens of thousands of women.

What am I talking about...

Sammy, now, just think about this for a minute.

Do you really, really want this?

Yeah. I really, really want this.

Come on, Sam.

Do you have any idea what it means to have a kid?

It's changing dirty diapers and getting spit-up stains

on the shoulders of your best clothes.

Ear infections in the middle of the night

and shoving antibiotics down their throats

and worrying about them every day and every night

for the rest of your life.

How does that sound?

Sounds cool.

Yeah. It is, kind of.

Would they, like, really spit up on leather?

Oh, they know fabrics.

So who's going to be the mom, Sam?

I haven't figured that out yet, Woody,

but she's got to be somewhere in here...

Or here...

What about Miss Howe? She's getting up there like you.

She's probably about ready to have a kid.

She's very responsible.

I think that was my best interview yet.

I think they really were impressed with me

until I accidentally knocked the CEO into the fax machine

and sent a copy of his butt to Wichita.

See, Sam? You could have asked her just now.

Wait a minute. Here you go.

Now, this could work out.

What am I doing? What am I going to say?

I have to figure out how to word this.

Hold on a second.

Excuse me. Miss?

- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.

Just hypothetically, now,

say someone you've been dating a couple times

calls you up and says,

"Hey, we had some laughs together. What say we have a baby?"

I'm not talking commitment here.

Don't misunderstand me. Maybe yes, maybe no.

Picture is, get pregnant, have the baby, give it to me, go away.

You know, just offhand, how would you react to that?

How would I react if a guy called me up

and asked me to be a breeder for him?

To be sort of an incubator for his seed?

Yeah. Exactly. But wait a second. Let me...

Let me get a pencil. I want to write this down.

Okay.

Okay. "Incubator"...

"Breeder"...

Red flag words.

You know, if it's a boy,

I just hope he names it Clifford Clavin Malone.

I don't care what he names it as long as he doesn't bring it in here.

If there's one thing I can't stand it's babies.

Come on, Mr. Krapitz.

Wouldn't you like a helpless little guy, all soft and cuddly,

who you could burp every once in a while?

Yeah, we need another one of those.

Sam.

Listen, Sam, I...

I'd like to apologize about this morning

when I kicked you out.

I...

I forgot how much Freddy means to you

and how much you mean to him.

I also forgot that Lilith and I have two tickets

to Jerome Robbins' Broadway tonight, a hundred bucks a throw.

If you think I'm gonna miss that, you're nuts.

Have fun, Freddy. Daddy loves you.

You want me to lock up, Sam?

No, thanks. I got to wait for Frasier and Lilith.

- Good night. - Good night.

Hey, little buddy.

So...

What do you want to watch here, Frederick?

- The congress and the administration... - 24-hour news.

The city council both turned down...

Headline news.

Local news.

Aw, hey. Elvis.

Night and you

And blue Hawaii

Hey, Sam.

- What? - Sam.

Who's there?

No, up here, Sam. It's me, Elvis.

Elvis?

Yeah, come on over here, man. I don't want to have to shout at you.

I'm having a dream about Elvis.

What do you want with me, Elvis?

I want to tell you something. You're right about wanting a child.

The best thing that ever happened to me

was having Lisa Marie.

Here. Isn't she precious?

Yeah. And she's a real cutie.

You'd be happy to know, Elvis, she turned out to be a real babe.

Sam, don't make me come through this TV.

I'm sorry.

This baby's going to need a mama, Sam.

Yeah, I know that, Elvis, but I can't think of anybody.

I just think you're overlooking someone.

- Who? - Miss Rebecca Howe.

- Rebecca? - Miss Rebecca.

She's been a true friend,

and you've been through so much together.

There's a lot of love in her heart. She has no one to give it to.

And she's a handsome woman.

Miss Rebecca? Really?

Think about it, Sam. I know I'm right.

Now if you'll just excuse me,

I got to go back and frolic on a beach

or jump in a stock car race or something.

I don't know what they got me doing in this one.

Later, Sam.

Isn't this sweet?

My son and his baby-sitter passed out in a bar.

No. It's okay.

Sam.

I've got him, Sam. Thanks.

Yeah.

Say, Frasier.

The weirdest thing just happened to me.

I could have sworn

I just had a conversation with Elvis Presley.

Well, Sam, I've had four or five patients

that have had the same experience.

I'll simply tell you what I told them.

The man is dead.

- Hi, Sam. - Hi.

What are you doing back here?

It's my night to lock up.

Besides, it looks like I'll still be working here anyway.

Nobody else wants me.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, well, maybe I've been barking up the wrong tree my whole life...

All these big dreams

about being a big corporate executive,

having a lot of power,

a lot of control.

I don't know why I've been knocking my brains out.

Maybe I should have settled for some dumb, ordinary jerk

and raised a family.

What?

It's just...

You know, I've been thinking the same thing,

only, you know, I was thinking that you should have a child

with someone who was good-looking

and really cool.

Yeah, well, I don't know anybody like that.

What about me?

Why? You know somebody like that?

No. You know, I...

What I mean is, I was thinking that...

...you and I should have a baby together.

Oh, come on, Sam.

No. Why? Why not? Think about it.

You and I are good friends. Hell, you're my best friend,

and we've been through a lot together.

You have a lot of love to give, and you're a handsome woman.

Well, I'm flattered.

I'm not ready to have a baby, Sam.

I got a lot of things left to do in life.

Yeah? Like what?

- Like a lot. - All right, name one.

Well, I'd always planned on growing old

and, you know, dying alone.

You can still do that.

You don't just, you know...

...go out and have a baby with somebody.

- Why not? - I don't know why not.

- Then why not? - Why with you?

- Why not? - We...

Why not?

- I mean, we could. - Yeah.

Your mom did it. My mom did. Carla does it all the time.

I mean, I... why shouldn't we?

Maybe this would be something that I'd finally be good at.

So, will you?

Okay.

Let's have a baby.

I think this is gonna change

- my whole life. - Oh, yeah.

I think no more Rebecca the jerk, no more Rebecca the go on ball,

Rebecca the loser.

Rebecca the mother.

I'm going to have a brand-new human baby.

I get to feed her, and I get to hold her.

I can't wait!

You know, a new life,

a new life that depends completely on me.

Can you believe it? I forgot my coat.

I guess I'm just so excited about this.

I don't know. I'm going to be a mommy!

A mommy!

You'd better be right, Elvis.