Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Oh, Woody, our babysitter just canceled.

Could you sit with Frederick tonight?

- Okay. - Great, Woody, thanks.

I'm used to it.

I used to baby-sit a lot back in Hanover.

Well, before the incident.

You know, I think Lilith's mother owes us a favor.

Thanks, anyway, Woody.

Oh, good. Woody, come here a minute.

Listen, I'm going out of town for the weekend.

I want you to feed my cat.

I know it's an imposition, but... you know.

Okay.

You're really good with animals, aren't you?

Well, yeah. I had lots of pets back in Hanover...

...before the incident.

Woody, on second thought, I'm gonna ask my next-door neighbor.

But thanks, anyway.

Hey, Woody.

That's a really clever trick.

You can get out of doing anything with that.

Yeah. Just wish I'd thought of it before the incident.

We realize this is short notice,

but this dinner tonight is something we simply cannot miss.

We're desperate to get a sitter.

I would really like to help you guys out,

but children make me nervous.

I'm afraid I'm going to drop them.

Rebecca, holding a baby is the simplest thing in the world.

I'm sorry. What did you say?

Thanks, anyway.

Kelly. How was class?

I'd rather not talk about it.

I'm sorry, Woody.

I didn't mean to jump down your throat like that.

Well...

What's wrong?

My final project for sociology

is an in-depth study of a past work experience,

and I've never had a job.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Let me get this straight.

You can't do your little school project because you're stinking rich

and you never had to work a day in your life?

Yeah.

And I used to complain because I had no shoes.

I feel so out of place in my sociology class.

Do you know what it's like to sit in school all day

and not contribute anything?

Well, it's been a long time, but that sounds familiar.

I don't even know how to get a job.

Kelly, come over here. Want ads. Okay?

Plenty of jobs in there.

Can't find anything there, call employment agents.

Plenty of places to get a job.

Hey, you know, for a guy who's unemployed,

you certainly know a lot about getting work.

Cliff, I know a lot about water, too, but you don't see me drinking it.

Miss Howe, do you think Kelly could work here for a while?

I know she doesn't have any experience...

I don't think so, Woody.

Well, I just thought I'd ask. It's no big deal.

Look, Woody. It says here

I can make $10,000 a week being an escort.

Okay, Miss Howe. Now it's a big deal.

Please, please let her work here. You can always use an extra hand.

You don't have to pay her. It's just for the experience.

All right, Woody. All right.

As a favor to you.

But this is a real business, this is not a training ground.

We need people who really know what they're doing.

Tell her to wear shoes.

Thanks, Miss Howe.

Hey, Kelly. Guess what.

Miss Howe said you could work here.

Really? Oh, that's great.

Thanks, Miss Howe.

Welcome aboard, Kelly.

- I can't believe I have a real job. - You know what to do with this.

Wow! I sure do.

Do you guys have lobster for lunch every day?

Does that mean you're canceling tonight?

All right. All right.

Maybe some other time.

Boy, women will break a date with you at the drop of a hat.

Like her grandmother won't still be dead tomorrow?

Sam, am I to understand that you suddenly have the night free?

Yeah. You got anything for me?

Perhaps. Quite cute.

- Oh, yeah? Cute's nice. - And young.

Oh, I like young. Give me more details.

About 32 inches.

Usually I like them a little bustier than that.

I'm just trying to find out

if you would like to sit for Frederick tonight?

Yeah, I'd love to do that.

- Really? - I love that little guy. Why not?

- Done deal. - All right!

Frasier. Can I speak with you?

I don't know how comfortable I feel with this setup.

He's just a baby. He needs supervision.

Sam can take care of him.

I'm talking about Sam.

You know how out of control he can get at times,

what a mess he can make of everything.

Sam can clean it up.

- I'm talking about Sam. - You're talking about Sam.

Darling, it'll just be for a few hours.

All right.

But if anything goes wrong, he could be scarred for life.

- You mean Sam, right? - Yes. And it is a threat.

Sam, can you be at our place in about an hour?

You bet.

Where are you guys going tonight?

Oh, well, I'm proud to tell you

that my lovely wife is being honored tonight

by the scientific community

for her contributions to the study of sensory deprivation.

It was serendipitous I admit.

I'd returned to the lab after a two-week holiday

to find that I'd locked my lab assistant in the isolation tank.

Suffice to say what could have been an ugly lawsuit

turned into an award-winning paper.

Say, Carla.

I'm babysitting tonight. You got any advice for me?

Sure. Here's everything you need to know about babies.

Remember, you're the boss.

Don't let them give you any lip.

And if they start to act crabby, stick a bottle in their mouths.

Great. Okay. Good.

- Okay. I'm ready. - Okay.

Here's everything you need to know about customers.

Remember, you're the boss. Don't let them give you any lip.

If they start to act crabby, stick a bottle in their mouths.

Hey, Miss. I ordered a beer.

He passes to Frederick. Frederick takes the ball

and goes for a jam.

Yes. He's a freshman out of the learning center.

Yes. A rookie. Wonderful shot.

Here we go. Take another one.

He goes for the jam. He goes.

The garden is going cra...

Slam dunk.

Great shot. Great shot!

Okay. Malone, top of the key.

You want to watch a little TV?

You know something? That's a good idea.

Uncle Sammy's a little tired here.

Good idea. Good idea.

I don't know how to do this one.

Do you know... I have a different one at home.

Oh. Far out. Thanks. That's great.

Oh, great! This is The Flintstones.

This is the one where Barney gets stuck in the mailbox.

I actually haven't seen this one all the way to the end.

Freddy?

Hey, Fred. What you doing in there?

Peekaboo.

Freddy?

Oh, boy. Fred?

Hey, listen to me now. Listen to Uncle Sammy.

Unlock the door, Freddy.

Freddy, turn the knob.

You see that knob? See that little knob?

Turn the knob, Freddy.

No. Wrong knob, Fred.

Shoot.

Okay. All right. I'll get you out of there.

Got to be a key around here.

Oh, I know what I'm going to do, Fred.

We'll do the old credit card jimmying the lock open.

I don't have a credit card.

I know. I'll use a 20.

This is going to work. This is gonna work.

Yeah. Here we go, Freddy. This is going to work.

No, Freddy. Don't. Hey...

Give me my 20 back.

Fred, no. Don't flush... oh, shoot.

You little... devil you.

I'm in trouble here.

Okay. Don't worry. Uncle Sammy's going to get you out of there, Freddy.

I'll just come around the window here.

Way high, aren't we?

Okay.

No big deal.

Okay.

Here we go. Here comes Uncle Sammy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Burglar-proof. Right.

Yeah. Your mommy and daddy told me about that, didn't they?

Hey, Freddy.

Damn, damn, damn.

You didn't hear that, Freddy.

You didn't hear that.

Damn it!

You heard that one, didn't you?

Hey.

Freddy?

Uncle Sammy doesn't know what to do here.

Can you open this window?

Do you know the word "open"?

Yeah, yeah, open.

Open.

Can you open the window? Do you know the word "open"?

Good boy.

Bye-bye.

Carla, I just waited on a man at table five,

and he left too much money on the table.

Should we go find him?

No. You see, this is what we call a tip.

It's a little monetary gift for the head waitress.

Here you go.

Boy, do I feel dumb.

Oh, no. You're just new.

Kelly, could I have a beer, please?

Okay. Let me go get Woody.

No, you don't need Woody.

Come here, let me show you how it's done.

You take a glass, stick it underneath this black lever here.

Okay?

Voilà. You have a beer.

There's a black book underneath the cash register

that says "Norm's tab" on it.

You mean this one here with all these little marks?

Right. Now, Kelly, each one of these little marks

represents a beer that I've purchased in advance.

Every time I order one, you have to take this eraser

and erase one of those little marks.

Don't forget to erase now. I don't want any free beers.

- Okay, Mr. Peterson. - Thank you.

Unbelievable.

- I'm in the presence of sheer genius. - Thank you, Cliff ie.

Kelly, could I have another beer for my dear friend Clifford Clavin?

What the heck. Take it off my tab.

Hey, Freddy. Uncle Sammy needs some help here, bud.

Hey, Fred. You know about rain?

Cause that's what's happening out here, Freddy.

You know,

Itsy bitsy spider

Went up the water spout...

Okay, Freddy.

Back away from the window there, Fred.

Uncle Sam is going to break the window...

...and every little bone in his hand.

Okay, Fred.

Tell you what I'm going to do here.

I'm going to jump over to that tree and climb on down.

I'll be back just before you can...

Bye-bye.

Carla, I need to ask you some questions for my paper

since you're my coworker.

How do you feel that the work experience

has enriched your life?

It's given me varicose veins,

stomach acid, lower back pain,

and a complete hatred for all mankind.

That's great.

And what would you say are the negative aspects?

Just do the dishes.

Yeah. I hate that one, too.

We have an Australian couple to do it at home.

By the way, here's another one of those tip things.

Why, thank you very much, Kelly.

Boy.

She is really dumber than cotton.

- Hey, Carla. - Hey, Cotton.

Who's ready? You're thirsty? Come on.

Norm, come on, let us buy a round.

No, I insist.

Kelly, another round for my friends here, okay?

Okay, Mr. Peterson,

but my hands are getting sore from all that erasing.

Now, Kelly, you wanted a real job. You can't go through life

getting everything handed to you for free.

Let's get some beer over here.

How about you fellas? You ready?

We really got to get back to the site, Norm.

Come on, you're only working on the second floor.

One for these guys.

Hey, hey, hey.

Isn't that that Henri?

Oh, yeah. It's Pepe LePew himself.

He's got a lot of guts

showing his sleazy Gallic mug around this place.

If I was Woody, I'd have popped that guy a long time ago.

Hello, fellows.

- Hey! - Hey, Henri!

Buy you a beer, buddy?

And he's such a phony.

Yeah.

Woody, loan me $10 until payday.

Well, when's payday?

How do I know? You're the one who's working.

Kelly. What are you doing with those drinks?

Hello, Henri.

I'm working here for a while. Isn't that exciting?

Yes, you are.

Serve me a drink so that I may pinch your bottom as you leave.

Henri, I wish you'd stop saying things like that.

Woody, but I am the customer, and the customer is always right.

Darn. Got me on a technicality.

You know, if this Kelly thing works out,

I might finally be able to take my vacation.

The last one I had was three years ago

when I went to Graceland for a weekend.

But now I got six weeks saved up. I'm gonna take me a real vacation.

- Where you going to go? - Graceland.

Woody. May I have a soda, please?

Stealing your girlfriend is thirsty work.

All right, Henri, I don't know how things are in France,

but in America, guys don't like other guys

saying they're gonna steal their girlfriends. It's not polite.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I see your point.

As we say in France...

Je vais te piquer ta copine.

What does that mean?

I'm going to steal your girlfriend.

Wait a minute. You take that back.

I... I...

Hey. What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Hey, Freddy.

I'm back.

I must have blacked out there for a while.

Uncle Sammy sure is lucky the glass recycling bin broke his fall.

I tell you, somebody sure drinks a lot of wine in this building.

You look all tuckered out there.

What do you say we watch a little television here?

Here we go.

Oh, shoot.

Flintstones are over.

Fred?

Freddy?

Oh, no, man. Don't lock...

Shoot.

Come on, Freddy. It was funny once.

All right.

Okay, Freddy.

Here I come.

Oh, no. No, no.

I wasn't born yesterday.

There we go.

Okay, Freddy. Here I come.

No, Freddy!

Freddy, what are you doing to uncle Sammy?

Come on, bring the dog back, Freddy.

Woody, can I talk to you for a minute, please?

Sure, Miss Howe.

Woody, I don't think things are working out with Kelly.

Oh, that's my fault. I'm afraid of commitment.

No.

Woody, I mean, here at the bar.

I mean, she's a big distraction to you.

Your work is suffering. This bar fight is just the last straw.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let her go.

Well, I guess that was a tough decision

for you to make, Miss Howe.

Well, sometimes managers have to learn

how to give bad news to employees.

So go fire your girlfriend, Woody.

I'm getting better at that.

I think I'll go get a facial. I earned it.

Wait a minute. Is it true?

Are you firing Kelly?

Because I want you to know she's the best thing

that's ever happened to this bar.

Since when did you ever care what happened to Kelly?

Wait. Ho. Hey. Something's happening to Kelly?

She's not leaving, is she?

Yes, as a matter of fact she is.

I guess you're both gonna have to learn to live with it.

She's here one day, and everybody loves her.

I'm here five years, and nobody gives a damn.

By the way, Norm, why did you want her to stay?

None of your business.

Why did you want her to stay?

None of your business.

What did you want to talk about, Woody?

Well, Kelly.

You don't really like this place all that much, do you?

Well, sure, I do. I love this place. It's keen.

Oh, boy.

Kelly, Cheers is not such a great place.

What do you mean, Woody?

I mean it's nice on the surface,

but when you get right down to it, there's a dark side to Cheers.

Really?

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. You're so naive.

Nobody respects anybody here.

They're nice to your face, but as soon as you turn around,

they're plotting some way to get rid of you.

And they never do their own dirty work. No.

No, no, no. They wouldn't stoop to that.

They'd rather use some poor, innocent farm boy

to carry out their sinister deeds

while they go prancing off to get a facial!

Well, I'm not doing it anymore. I quit!

Then I quit, too.

Bye, everybody.

Man, I knew that I should not have had Woody fire her.

When am I gonna learn?

You want something done right, you got to do it yourself...

Be careful walking back here.

- Miss Howe. - Yes. What do you want?

Well, listen, I've had a lot of time to think since I quit...

And I've done a little growing up.

If you haven't filled my old position yet,

- I'd like to apply. - Woody.

I know that I'll have to go back to starting wages...

- Woody. - ...and lose my seniority.

I know it'll take me a few weeks to...

Woody, just shut up and get to work. God!

Boy, they sure aren't very nice to new employees.

Darling, do my eyes deceive me,

or is our little Frederick actually asleep?

Oh, he is.

Where's Sam?

Sam!

Over here in the tree, but I can still see the kid.