Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hey, guys, guess what followed me home.

A slime trail?

This cute little fellow right here.

Isn't he sweet?

The cutest little dog you ever seen, huh?

What you going to do with him?

I thought we'd just keep him in the bar here,

you know, like a bar mascot.

Guys, I kind of thought I was the bar mascot.

I don't think so, Cliff ie.

Yeah, all right. Come on, Spotty.

Bye-bye, Spotty.

Oh, how cute!

Hi, little fellow.

Oh! What's his name?

Well, this is... this is Spotty.

Isn't he cute?

Yeah, well, he's kind of like the bar mascot.

He and I were about to take a bath.

Would you like to join us?

Mr. Clavin, if you're looking for a home for the dog there,

I'd be happy to take him.

No, Woody. See, Spotty here is a thoroughbred pup.

He needs a lot of attention, a lot of care, he needs a lot of space.

I'll give you five bucks for him.

Here you go.

Hello. Any messages?

Oh, yeah. One of your old baseball buddies called.

Dutch Kincaid.

I'll be damned. Wonder what he wants.

Probably another home run.

I think you served him up something like 27 in his career.

What did that work out for you?

Oh, yeah.

One for every time he faced you.

- That was a long time ago. - Yeah.

Poor guy is probably down and out

and wants to borrow a few bucks from me.

No. He wants you to show up

for Dutch Kincaid Day at Yankee Stadium.

They're having a Dutch Kincaid Day at Yankee Stadium?

They're bringing him back for one more time at bat

before the game, and he wants you to pitch to him.

Smart guy, that Dutch.

He's got to be kidding. Why the hell should I want to help him?

I'm going to get on a plane and fly down to New York

just to give him some free publicity?

What are you worried about? You afraid he's gonna pop one out

and you'll have to see the old Dutch Windmill again?

What is the Dutch Windmill?

Every time Dutch hit a homer,

he used to do this little dance while he ran around the bases.

It was kind of his trademark.

If memory serves, it was something like this...

Arms pumping and running like a windmill,

then wiggle his fanny back and forth.

No, no, no.

- It was more like this. - No, Norm, less jiggle.

I haven't started dancing yet.

Hey, this is fun.

Did you have a trademark, Sam?

Shut up and leave me alone.

Actually, Sam, that's more of a motto.

Come on, man. Don't let him lick your...

Don't let him lick your lips like that.

No, it's okay, Norm.

It's an interesting fact that that dog's mouth

is probably cleaner than anybody's in this bar.

There's a shock.

Fras, how about you, you want to play with the puppy?

I don't know.

My mother never allowed me to have a puppy when I was a boy.

Consequently, she instilled in me a slight fear of animals.

Well, it's about time you got over that.

Come on, now, Spotty.

I want you to say hello to your Uncle Frasier.

Well... hello, Spotty.

Norm, I think Spotty wants to go away now.

No, he feels pretty comfortable there, doesn't he?

Did I mention to you that Spotty wants to buy you a beer?

Good boy, Spotty.

- Can I help you? - Yeah, I'm looking

for a yellow-bellied, runny-nosed has-been.

Can't make one of those. I'm out of cassis.

Hello, Dutch.

Mayday.

What are you doing here?

I hear you're too chicken to pitch to me, Fluffy.

What's the matter, afraid I'll make you look bad again?

I'm not afraid of anything,

and I don't have anything to prove either.

Malone, if word gets out that you're pitching to me again,

might give the guy the kind of publicity

that would put him back in the public eye,

maybe even in the Hall of Fame.

Oh, get out.

I could never get into the Hall of Fame.

Not you, you pantywaist.

It's Dutch Kincaid Day, not Sam Malone Day.

Man, what an ego.

Find yourself another sucker, will you?

Okay. You got a men's room in here?

Oh! What am I asking you for?

- It's in the back. - Yeah, thanks.

Oh, I gave my neighbor's kid

a Sam Malone baseball card to stick in the spokes of his bike.

Now when he rides it, it goes, "Wimp, wimp, wimp, wimp, wimp."

Come on, Sammy, let's go. Be great to see you pitch again.

No way. I told him no, and I meant it.

Come on, the guy's a jerk.

You got to nail him, knock him down a few pegs.

No, no, no.

Oh, no. You're afraid he's still going to be able hit you.

Oh, you kidding me? That guy's a washed up old has-been.

I mean, he hasn't played for years.

I could strike him out with one hand tied behind my back.

Worth a try, Sammy. The other way never worked.

That was then. Now I got the edge on him.

I'm young. I'm in good shape.

Ow! Shoot.

I got to remember to warm up before I do that.

Why don't you just go out there and humiliate him for a change?

Yeah. Yeah. Come on, Sammy.

Listen to yourself, will you? Have some class.

The guy's an old man.

Good for you, Sam. I'm impressed by your stance.

- It shows real maturity. - Yeah.

Well, it's gonna take a lot more than a stupid insult

to get me to go all the way to New York.

I'll see you later... underpants.

That does it! All right, I'll see you Saturday.

- Yankee Stadium. - That's the spirit.

Listen, don't worry about getting into the stadium.

Saturday is Ladies' Day.

That'll teach you to pinch a lady's butt in a locker room.

- Guys giving you trouble? - No.

I was teaching them how to pinch a lady's butt in a locker room.

Ah, look at this. Look.

I'm focused. I'm psyched. I'm sober.

Dutch doesn't stand a chance.

Yeah.

Only one thing missing, huh?

I know, Sammy.

Yeah. I wish Coach were here.

He is.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen...

Call me sentimental,

but doesn't this bring back the old days?

Yeah.

I want you to get out there, Sammy, grind him into a raw, meaty pulp,

spread him on home plate, and slide into his guts!

I got to get a Kleenex.

Hey, Sam Malone.

- Yeah. - Cap Richards.

I'm Dutch's personal manager. I cooked up this whole thing.

Glad I got a chance to talk to you. Here's how it's going to work.

Throw the first two pitches however you want.

The third one, though, just float it across home plate nice and easy.

- What? - I thought the home run

would be more dramatic on the third pitch.

If you want it on the first pitch, like you used to, go ahead.

You got to be kidding. Sam Malone does not take a dive.

I came down here to strike this guy out,

and that's what I'm going to do.

If he wants to get a hit, he's gonna have to earn it.

This is not good.

You ready, Sammy?

Yeah.

I can strike this guy out, can't I?

Of course you can.

Listen, this is your chance to make up for the old days.

It's the last thing anyone's ever going to remember

about Sammy "Mayday" Malone, that he struck out Dutch Kincaid.

Now go on out there and smoke three fast ones

past that lousy, flat-headed bastard.

I got to get another Kleenex.

Yeah?

Excuse me. Are you Sam Malone?

Yeah. Yeah. What's your name?

- Billy Kincaid. - How do you do, Billy?

You wouldn't be a relation to Dutch Kincaid, would you?

He's my grandpa.

I've heard all his neat stories about

how you used to help him with those long home runs.

I never got to see one, though.

I sure hope I can see one today.

I may have to disappoint you there.

This is the last time Grandpa's ever going to play.

It's today or never.

Go away, will you? Go on.

My two brothers and my baby sister are all watching at home.

None of us ever saw him hit a home run.

Give me a break, will you?

Grandpa told us he wants to hit a ball so hard It'll go up to heaven

so Grandma can say hello.

Now pitching...

...Sam Malone.

Hey, Sammy!

Yeah, all right...

- Hey, how did it go? - Great.

Need me to scalp any tickets?

No. You done enough for today. Thanks, Vinnie.

Hey, you guys aren't supposed to be in here.

That's all right. We're with Sam Malone.

We're his personal trainers.

So you're okay down here?

We know our way around a dugout, pally.

Look out, Cliff ie. incoming.

Boy, that ball girl's really got an arm, huh?

Here you go, toots.

- Aw, Norm. - What?

The barbecue sauce got all over the nachos.

Hey, guys, I miss anything?

Sammy hasn't started yet. Where you been?

I've been visiting the other team.

Ran into somebody I used to get hot and sweaty with.

- Who's that? - The other team.

And now, stepping to the plate to face Sam Malone,

the man we all turned out today to honor...

...Dutch Kincaid.

Guys, come on. The first pitch.

Hey, Sammy, come on.

Come on, Sammy.

- Oh, yeah! - Strike one!

Go, Sammy!

All right, Sammy.

Look at him up there.

Doesn't he look cool on the mound?

I got goose bumps.

Alright, here comes the stretch.

Ram it down his throat, Sammy!

Come on!

Strike two!

Yeah! Yeah!

Bring on the heat, Sammy! He can't hit what he can't see.

Apparently he saw that one.

Look at that ball go! It may clear the center field fence.

It's going, going... it's out of here!

Poor Sammy.

Boy, he must feel lousy, huh?

He's really going to need our support.

We'll just have to be really nice to him.

We could sneak out of here.

I know a shortcut through the showers.

Better yet.

Too late. He's seen us.

Okay, I know what you're thinking, but I can explain it.

I know it looked like a home run.

Our first clue was when the ball actually left the stadium.

Yeah, but it doesn't count because I did it on purpose.

- Right. - Oh, sure, Sam.

You let him get a home run off you on purpose.

No. I did it for Kincaid's grandkid.

He wanted to see his grandfather hit a home run.

Hell, he can explain it.

Billy. Yo! Hey, Billy.

Oh, right, Sam. Whatever you say.

We believe you.

Why are you using that voice?

That's your "I don't believe you" voice.

No, it's not, Sam. I do believe you.

Then why are you still talking...

Billy will tell you everything.

- Billy! Come on, Billy. - Sam. Sam. Let's go home.

We get to go on an airplane ride, and maybe when we're up there

we'll get to see that pitch you served Dutch.

I'm telling you, I did it on purpose.

I swear to God, there was this kid.

Hey, come on, Billy! This isn't funny.

78, 79...

You keep moving around, Spotty,

I'm not gonna be able to get an accurate count.

One, two...

Woody, I guess you've given up on finding his owner.

Why don't you want me to have this dog?

It's not that I don't want you to have the dog.

It's just that I have this thing about being completely honest

when it comes to lost pets.

Okay, when I was ten years old,

I had this beautiful Persian cat named Princess.

She only loved me. She didn't like anybody else in my family.

One day I woke up, Princess was gone.

My mom and dad said she got out through the bedroom window.

The weird thing is, I could have sworn

that bedroom window was painted shut.

It's bothered me for years.

Then, as you matured, you came to accept the fact

that it was your parents who in fact got rid of the cat.

What?

My Princess?

They took my Princess?

Oh, boy. Me and my big mouth.

Why don't I just go down to the park

and tell the little kids about Santa Claus.

What about Santa?

But we do believe you, Sam.

You know, I'm getting tired of that voice.

I don't care what you guys think. In my heart I know I did this

for a little boy and his dead grandmother.

Oh, guys, look.

Spotty fell asleep on my shoe.

He's so sweet.

I just wish I was wearing sandals

so I could feel his little puppy breath.

Hi, gentlemen, what can I get you?

Just coffee. We're on duty.

What's the matter?

Two weeks ago, our dog ran away. Cutest little puppy you ever saw.

Just about so big.

Today, Chief made us give up our search.

Woody, I think they're talking about Spotty.

You want to say something?

No. Make them go away.

Come on, Woody. It's obvious it's their dog.

Give me a break. A Dalmatian, the fire department.

It's a different dog, ratfink.

Just cause you lost your stupid cat.

Remember when he was born?

We each took hour-long shifts

feeding him warm milk through an eyedropper.

Remember how he used to fall asleep on my shoe?

I can still feel his warm little puppy breath.

What is it?

Nothing. Go away. Isn't there a fire somewhere?

Oh, the heck with it.

I didn't want him anyway. He's all covered with spots.

Hey!

Take him. I didn't know he was yours. Honest.

Thanks, kid. Looks like you took good care of him.

We had a reward posted. 100 bucks.

I don't care about the money. I just want what's best for Spotty.

Gee, I'm sorry, kid.

Well, a ride on a real fire engine might help.

We can't let you do that.

I miss him so much.

All right, come on, but don't tell anybody.

Yeah!

- Hey, can I run the siren? - No. That would be illegal.

Oh, it's just Spotty meant everything to me.

All right, you can turn on the siren.

- Can I wear your hat? - It's part of the uniform.

Well, can I drive?

Please? Please? Please?

Take the dog. Take the dog.

We snowed them, dude.

Where's little Miss Malone? In the office?

Haven't you humiliated him enough?

Not as much as he humiliated me.

Hey, Malone, pull on your panty hose

and get out here. We got a score to settle.

Come on, Dutch, you had your home run.

Why don't we just leave it at that?

I'm not gonna leave it at that.

You deliberately threw me a cream puff.

I don't need your charity pitches.

I didn't do it for you. I did it for your grandkid.

I don't have any grandkid.

What do you mean you don't have a grandkid?

My personal manager and his kid are always pulling that scam.

That's how I got Dutch Kincaid Day.

This was a setup?

I had a chance finally to strike you out

in front of a stadium full of people and I had to let it go

for a stupid, lousy setup?

You never had a chance, Malone.

I can hit anything you can serve up.

Oh, come on, give me a break.

My first two pitches went right by you.

I let them go by for the drama.

Drama?

You let them go by for the drama?

You want drama, I'll give you drama.

Come with me. You! You! Come on, right now.

All right. There's still plenty of daylight out there.

Let's do it!

I'll be back in about three pitches, fellas.

Two grown men settling a rivalry by throwing a little white ball

at a wooden stick. How pathetic.

Now, boxing, that's a man's sport.

Punch a guy in the face and scramble his brains.

That proves something.

Fras, you're coming around, buddy.

Thank you.

Hey, shut up, you guys. Sammy's pitching.

Oh, my God. There are two moons in the sky.

All right, lucky hit. Let's go again.

Gee, he almost hit a helicopter.

Okay, 226 lucky hits.

Hang in there, Sammy. He's old.

He can't live forever.