Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Okay, Rebecca, here's the deal.

I'll paint the whole office, including woodwork,

and it'll run you...

400.

- 400 bucks sounds reasonable. - No, no, that's 400 beers.

The 'b" with the slanty line through it? It's kind of my own special currency.

It's a deal. Oh, and Norm, remember,

this time Sam wants something really simple.

Oh, yeah. I've got some choices here.

I've got sand white, ivory white, off-white, Navajo white...

- They all look just alike. - Well, they're different.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, of course I'm sure.

You think I'm trying to push one color on you?

- I resent that, Rebecca. - I'm sorry.

- No, that one's fine, right there. - Cream white. Excellent choice.

And as luck would have it,

I happen to have 42 gallons of it in my garage.

- Good morning, Sam. - Yeah? What's good about it?

Well, you have your health, a good business,

and friends who put up with your violent mood swings.

I'm sorry. I just got some bad news.

You guys all remember the Miss Boston Barmaid contest?

Oh, yeah.

That's the annual contest where they try to find

the most talented and efficient waitress in Boston,

which, surprise, surprise,

always turns out to be the babe with the biggest honeydews.

Right. Well, this year, they're holding it at Cheers.

- All right! - No, no, no.

No, it's not what you think. They changed all the categories.

Listen to this, "Speed, efficiency,

memorization, personal warmth, courtesy."

I mean, it's like bra size doesn't even exist anymore!

Well, Sam, they're just trying to keep pace

with the current social enlightenment.

How would you like to be judged

solely on the basis of your looks and body alone?

I'd love it! I'd win!

The whole contest has gone to hell.

I mean, believe me, I really presented my case

to the contest committee.

I made a graph here. Look at this.

These are the bust measurements of all the winners since 1976,

and almost to a woman, they're over a 38.

What's this one that dips way down here?

That's the year Diane won.

It's no good. It's just no good at all.

I think I'm going to write my councilman.

What am I talking about? My councilman's a babe, too!

God, the whole world's crowding in on me!

Carla, you gonna try out for this contest?

I don't think so.

You heard Sam. It's not about looks this year.

- Thank you, Woody. - You should do it, Carla.

Look, I know I'm a good waitress.

I don't need some obnoxious dork in a cheap suit telling me I'm the best.

- You are the best. - I just said I didn't need that.

Besides, even if I did win, what would I get?

A lousy ten bucks and a handshake?

It says here you get a brand-new Mazda Miata.

Get out of town!

Just for doing my job?

- I'm going to get myself this Miata! - All right!

A snag.

What about "warmth, personal courtesy"?

What about me shoving this brochure up your nose?

You're a shoo-in.

I couldn't help but notice for the last couple of days,

you've just been sitting here doing nothing.

Hi. I'm Norm Peterson. Obviously, we haven't met.

- This really bothers me. - What?

You have a job to do, and instead, you're just sitting here

talking to Cliff all day long. You're not even trying.

Rebecca, do you get Cheers? I mean, do you understand the concept?

I want to see some work by the end of today.

If you can't get the job done, I will hire a professional.

Oddly enough, that's what Vera said on our honeymoon.

So, how are you going to get out of this one?

Relax, Cliff ie, I got it covered. I have a new industrial paint sprayer.

It gets the job done in a couple hours.

Very clever.

It was invented by the Japanese

so they could paint more efficiently and quickly.

Whereas you'll use it to drink more beers, watch more TV,

and put off everything until the very last minute.

Right. You see, they're way ahead of us in technology,

but they don't have our creativity.

Hey, Doc, how do you think I look for the contest?

Well, my goodness, Carla,

- that is a jaunty bow! - Yeah.

Where did you get it?

Well, the first job I ever had was at this greasy spoon when I was 15.

There was this old waitress there named Cora.

She taught me everything I know about waiting tables.

Anyway, on her last day,

the day they were carting her off to the nursing home,

she gave me this bow.

She told me to wear it with pride,

because being a waitress is a wonderful thing.

Carla, that's quite a story.

Now, if the judges are as sappy as you,

I get me a new car!

Carla, honey, I just want you to know

that I've got some moral problems with this contest.

It's not going to get in the way of me hoping you win.

Yeah, well, Thanks, Sam.

Now would you get me my button over there?

"My name's Carla, and I love your smile."

Boy, you're really prepared to go all the way for this.

Yeah, I got a button that says that, too.

Think I should wear it?

No. I'd stick with the smile thing.

Could I have some service?

Coming!

Hi. I'll be your waitress today.

How may I serve you?

I want a martini. Dry. D-R-Y.

That means light on the vermouth.

- And I want a twist, not an olive. - Very well, sir.

Read that back to me. I don't want any mistakes.

"One martini, very dry."

- You forgot the twist. - A twist it is.

I'll twist his big ears off.

Take it easy, take it easy.

"A very dry martini with a twist."

What did you do that for?

It's nothing personal. I was just letting off steam.

Why don't you push Norm off his stool?

You don't know much about physics, do you?

Don't forget the twist!

Let me see my brochure. I got to get a look at my car.

Oh, it's worth it, it's worth it.

This must have fallen out of your folder.

It says, "list of judges."

Are you kidding?

That's supposed to be top-secret. Oh, my God.

This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I'm going to know who they are.

All I have to do is kiss up to the squids on that list

and I'll be driving home in a nice, new convertible.

Great!

Who are they, Woody?

"David Murphy, Cliff Clavin, and Frank Smith."

Who is Frank Smith, and why is Carla so mad at him?

And now, on top of everything else,

I got this huge headache out of nowhere.

They picked Clavin to be a judge.

What could they have been thinking of?

They probably want someone with, you know, a lot of bar experience.

He has been hanging around here a lot.

Yeah, well, so has Norm. Why didn't they pick you?

Well, maybe they did.

I haven't opened my mail in a while.

Once my unemployment ran out, all the incentive was gone.

No doubt about it,

these things were a lot easier on all of us

when they were just bimbo contests.

You know, if this is the new age of enlightenment,

why does it hurt so many people?

Norm, I got to ask you a question.

Over the years, I've been pretty bad to Clavin,

and I've done some things that maybe I shouldn't have...

Called him names,

punctured his tires,

set fire to his hair.

What's the question, now?

Do you think he noticed?

You made this guy eat a bug once.

That's a birthday the guy's never going to forget.

Okay. I'll send him flowers.

Carla, that bug laid eggs in his stomach.

Yeah. That was kind of a bonus.

I might as well just chuck this phony bow.

Come on.

You're right. It's hopeless. I'm never going to win anything.

- Come on. - No, really. I thought it was my turn.

I thought that for once in my life I was going to be recognized

for being the best at what I do.

Now, because of Clavin, I don't even get the chance.

All right, well, why don't you try this?

Actually be nice to Cliff.

Listen to his stories, treat him like a friend.

I'm sorry. It's the beer talking.

Now, that, Paul, in a nutshell, is the history of Western civilization.

You were right to come to me.

I didn't come to you, Cliff. I was waiting to use the phone.

Go on, Cliff. I'm listening. I'm interested in Western civilization.

- Are you all right, Carla? - Beat it, lard butt.

Thank God. I thought I was hallucinating.

- Interested, huh? - Oh, yeah.

That's funny. You never listened to me before.

I listen to you all the time, Cliff.

As a matter of fact, I often go home and tell the kids

about this very, very smart man at work.

Why are you so mean to me all the time?

Mean?

Well, like when you knocked me off that stool.

Knocked... Oh, no.

Oh, no. That was just an affectionate nudge, you...

you old silly billy.

It did sort of hurt my back a little bit.

You know, I wondered if you might...

No, never mind. I could never ask you.

Oh, no. Cliff, would you like me

to get you something for your back?

A heating pad or some Doan's pills?

Well, a little back rub might help a little.

Wouldn't you rather have a heating pad or some Doan's pills?

Right there between the scapulae.

Why, sure.

That feels good.

Carla, what the heck?

Let me just take off my shirt, and you can come

in the office with me to really knead the flesh.

Okay.

But if I'm not out of there in 15 minutes,

nail that door shut, call my kids, and tell them

I died in a hideous explosion.

I wouldn't want them to know the truth.

How's that painting job coming along, Norm?

I swear to God I'd be in there painting this very moment

but Carla's using the room. She's giving Cliff a massage.

Oh, please.

Give me a break.

Oh, dear.

- See? - Yes, I see.

Now if you could get the rest of that office

half as white as Cliff's upper body, I'd be happy.

Woody?

A beer for Cliff, please.

And, I have to get...

...four, five, six pretzels

with the salt brushed off just one side.

I touched his skin.

Oh, horror, horror.

You might pretend it's something less repulsive.

Less...

Less repulsive than Cliff's naked back?

You mean like a dead animal lying on the side of the road

squirming with maggots?

Precisely. Visualize.

Visualize. Yeah.

I think that could work. Thanks, Doc.

It's only maggots.

It's only maggots.

Carla sure is smart,

buttering up to Mr. Clavin so she'll win.

I wish I'd have had those smarts

when I was doing the county fair circuit

with my hog Maribelle.

Rule number one, you got to schmooze.

You got to go to the right parties. You got to sell out. I wouldn't.

So I brought Maribelle home a loser.

Broke my heart.

How was Maribelle?

Not bad with applesauce.

Carla, you really got strong peasant hands.

Thank you, Cliff.

That's really quite a refreshing change,

you being nice to me all of a sudden.

It's not all of a sudden.

It's like when you're in third grade,

when you tease the boy you secretly like the most.

You mean, the whole third grade secretly liked me?

Forget it.

Wait a minute. Carla...

Are you trying to say you like me?

Well...

Oh, come on. Don't be shy. Say it so the guys can hear it.

I like you. I said it.

I feel like I'm going to explode. What should I do?

Find some way to release the tension.

Good thinking.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

I feel a lot better. Thank you.

Carla, you did such a good job with the back rub,

now my feet are jealous.

Allow me.

I rubbed his feet. I rubbed his feet.

Hey, Carla, come on, cut it out.

You've been washing your hands in kerosene for half an hour.

- They're clean. - No. Not yet, Sam.

Get me a match.

Carla, it couldn't have been that bad.

Like hell.

I didn't look,

but I'm sure I felt six toes on his left foot.

If the judges will please come forward

and the contestants will take their places,

we're ready to begin the 53rd annual Miss Boston Barmaid contest.

I'll be right there.

I'm just going to get the other judge.

What other judge?

Cliff Clavin.

Sorry. I don't know Cliff Clavin.

Well, well...

What... what about this?

I'm sorry, Miss. That's not official.

Someone must be having fun with you.

Hey, Carla, you still got that little brush?

You left a couple of crumbs on my mustache.

You know, Cliff,

I think you ought to keep those crumbs.

They're gonna need them to identify your body.

You set me up.

You put your name on that list just so that I would be nice to you.

Contestant number 1?

Yes?

If you'll take your place with the other contestants,

we can begin.

I have to go be in the contest now, Cliff.

Why don't you make your peace with God?

Are you nuts?

Did you think you were going to actually get away with that?

You know you're dead now, don't you?

I know, Norm.

Some men have a mission.

The guys who climb Mt. Everest, the guys who walk on the Moon.

Either of those would be a pretty good hiding place.

But I topped them all, yes, sirree. I had Carla rub my bare feet.

I'm going to have that etched on my tombstone.

I'd start working on it just about now.

Contestant number one, you're first.

Our first category will be speed,

followed by memorization, personal warmth,

courtesy, and drink knowledge.

What about the bikini round?

We're well aware of your views, Mr. Malone.

And now let the contest begin.

Thank you. Very nicely done.

That concludes our competition.

As the judges tally their votes, let's have a big round of applause

for all of our contestants.

Sammy, I think I really got a shot at this.

I hate to admit it, but it might be because of you, Clavin.

What do you mean?

I took all that energy I was going to use to kill you

and I put it into doing the best job I could.

Then my secret strategy worked, huh?

I hope you enjoy the car, Carla.

Just remember who made it all possible.

If the contestants will please be seated.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

It's me, it's me. I feel it.

The proud owner of a brand-new 1991 convertible,

and our new Miss Boston Barmaid is...

...Miss Shawnee Wilson.

But she spilled all the drinks.

Who cares? Look at her.

I won, I won, I won, I won, I won.

- No. You won, you won. - I won, I won.

And let's not forget our Miss Congeniality award.

It goes to contestant number one,

Cheers' own Carla.

That's quite a big trophy, Miss. I hope you have room for it.

I'll make room.

- Mr. Mailman. - Oh, look out!

No, no, no!

I'm so happy you won that contest.

You know, it just shows that the world hasn't gone crazy,

that, you know, deep inside, people are basically good,

that they can see through the rules and regulations

and pick out the inner diamond.

- I won a shiny red car. - I know you did, honey!

Woody, where's Norm?

- Is he in the bathroom? - No.

Is he putting money in the meter?

No.

Don't tell me he is actually...

Relax. It... it dries much lighter.