Original subtitles

Cheers was filmed before a live studio audience.

What are you doing, Cliff?

Well, I'm leaving a tip there for Carla.

One of the oldest bar tricks in the book there.

Look, you see, I fill the glass with water,

I'm gonna invert it on top of this dollar bill,

put it on the bar, right?

It looks empty now, doesn't it?

Watch what happens when she comes to get her tip.

Fasten your seat belts and wait for the fun to begin.

Thanks for the tip, Cliff.

Ah, the joke's still on her.

She's the one that's got to mop up all this mess.

Thank you, Carla. Your apology's accepted.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Woody.

Mom finally sent Grandma Meg's pressure cooker.

So last night I whipped up a batch of chili.

- You want to try some? - Sure.

- It's from an old family recipe. - Your grandma's?

No. This old family that lived down the road.

Woody, this is excellent.

Normie, what do you think?

He likes it. Normie likes it.

I'm sorry. It seems we've eaten all your chili.

I've still got plenty left in the thermos.

I didn't have breakfast today, all right?

Quick, Normie, turn on the weather channel.

I wonder if that sentence has ever been spoken before.

Ah, yeah. There she is.

- Who? - Weathergirl Dorothy, my favorite.

Isn't she dreamy?

Cliff, everybody looks sort of dreamy

when they have giant clouds floating behind them.

Listen, listen.

She's got the cutest little lateral lisp.

I always get a giggle when she tries to pronounce "stratocumulus."

- So you watch this a lot, do you? - Oh, yeah.

You get kind of a fatherly feeling about these weather anchors after a while.

Well, besides, it's on all night.

You're a very lonely man, aren't you, Cliff?

Not as long as I got my weather channel.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Sammy's back.

How was your weekend up in the mountains with Natalie?

So great.

Nothing like schussing down those fine white slopes.

- Ah, you went skiing, huh? - No, no.

Oh, goodie. Sam, you're back.

That's what Natalie said.

Actually, she said, "Oh, goodie, Sam, your front."

I have a very, very special surprise for you,

so just close your eyes and come with me.

That was the déjà vu of the whole weekend.

Okay. You can open your eyes.

Okay.

Well?

I can't tell you how much better Natalie's surprise was.

Well, you don't like it?

Well, it's... it's just...

Boy.

I mean, it's... it's really...

Boy.

No, that's not the right word. It's not boy at all. It's...

- It's... - It's a tearoom.

Thanks for not making me guess.

So what do you think?

Well, you want my honest first impression,

- my gut reaction? - Yes, I do.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!

How could you do this without asking me first?

Without asking you first?

Wait a minute. I happen to have paid $25,000 to John Hill

to get this poolroom back. If it hadn't have been for me,

you wouldn't even have this poolroom.

I don't have a poolroom. I have a tearoom. Ish!

Look what you made me do. You made me say "ish."

What's that on the floor?

It's a throw rug.

Oh, hey. Look at that. It works.

This wouldn't happen to be a throw table, would it?

Sam, wait.

If you're gonna take my money,

I think my ideas deserve a little bit more respect.

All right. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

This just came as a little bit of a shock to me, that's all.

Tell you what, why don't I just go outside

and come back in and start fresh.

That would be good, Sam. Thank you.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it!

Ish!

I'm putting that room back the way it was...

...as soon as I find my pool table.

Three ball, corner pocket.

Thanks, Sam. A little too much English on that.

Sam, please. I know I sprung this on you,

but please give it a chance. I think it could work.

My marketing survey showed this neighborhood was in need

of something like this.

People want to go into a place where they can just relax,

a nice, quiet, pretty little place where they can just sit and talk.

Good one.

Honey, you're crazy.

I have people coming in here just to shoot stick.

That poolroom makes me an extra $100 a night.

Yeah, well, I bet with my tearoom I could make 500 bucks tonight.

500 bucks in one night?

What else are you selling back there?

Sam, it's my grand opening. I've been promoting all over town.

You make $500 in one night, and that tearoom's yours.

- It's a bet. - Okay, it's a bet.

But I want you to know there's no losers here,

because I'm gonna share half the profit with you.

Half the profits of the tearoom.

Oh, boy. Why didn't you say so before?

Let's figure this out here.

All right. Let's see. We'll start with your profits.

That'll be... oh!

No, wait. I get half of this. And that makes another... oh!

Fellas, look! I get a great big zero,

and I don't have to lift a finger.

Oh, thank you, thank you! I can retire!

Thank you!

God, he's a butthead.

Now let's take a look at the regional map.

Southern sectors will experience scattered clouds

over the Mississippi basin.

Boy.

Don't you just love how she says "Mississippi basin"?

It just melts your heart, doesn't it?

You know, I sent a fan letter to my Dorothy.

I wonder if she'll ever even read it. I mean, they must get so many.

You know, I don't think so, Cliff.

I don't think that many people watch the weather channel.

Seriously, I don't think that many people know

there is a weather channel.

Boy, Norm, are you out of touch.

Hey, Frase, Lilith. Get you a drink?

No, Sam, we are not here for libation this day.

We are here for the grand opening of Rebecca's tearoom.

Yeah? What, you're going to go back there and make fun of her?

No. We're going to go have some tea.

Then what, you're going to spit it on the floor and laugh at her?

Just going to order it and drink it down.

What's funny about that?

We're not trying to be funny. We're just here for some tea.

Is that so hard to believe?

Yeah, seeing as how she's been open all day,

and you're the first customers.

Oh, well, maybe the word hasn't gotten out yet.

Although she did send us this lovely invitation,

hand-calligraphed on a lace doily.

Didn't anyone else get one of these?

Very funny.

You could have put someone's eye out, you know.

Let's go, Frasier.

Hey, wait, Frase.

You're not really going to go in there and drink tea, are you?

Come on out here and sit at the bar with the guys.

Come on. Over here.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I could.

No.

You're telling us you're just going to go back there

and sit with your wife and sip tea?

Yep. That's me...

...whipped and proud of it.

- Thank you. - Here you are.

Please allow me.

There you are. There.

Now you'll notice on the menu that we have a wide selection

of sandwiches and delectables and many, many varieties of tea.

So, what can I get you?

Just some tea, please.

But... that's it? Just tea?

Well, perhaps I could tempt you with some tiny little sandwiches

or fresh biscuits?

Scones?

We're both watching our diets,

so two pots of Orange Pekoe would be lovely.

Hon, maybe we should split a pot.

Well...

Perhaps one of my slightly more expensive herbal teas?

No, thank you.

You guys cannot just have tea.

Tea is a loss leader.

I lose money just boiling the water.

And Lilith, look. You are hardly fat.

You are borderline anorexic.

Just pig out. Order some strawberry tarts.

Strawberries make me break out.

At least that will put a little color in your face.

Perhaps we won't have anything at all.

Fine. I don't really care. Get out!

Thanks for coming. Tell all your friends.

Frasier, Lilith, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm just desperate. I don't understand

why nobody wants to come back to my beautiful tearoom.

Well, Rebecca,

a restaurant should be...

...like a mistress.

You see...

...one shouldn't feel that she's overeager to please.

It's far more enticing

if you need her more than she needs you.

Who is this "she" you're talking about, Frasier?

It's purely hypothetical.

It's a little strange for a happily married man

to go prattling on about a mistress.

Oh, come on, hon, give me this one.

You already heard me admit I was whipped in front of the boys.

That was good.

You were right, Sam.

Nobody's gonna come in here and have high tea and crumpets.

Oh, don't give up hope.

Maybe a carriage will break down in front of the pub,

and they'll come in for a cup of tea.

- Have a cup of tea, please. - God, I hate you.

Okay, guys.

Just made up a fresh new batch of chili.

- Yay! - Yay!

Now, all I ask is you please leave me some this time.

You guys really like that chili, don't you?

Do you think that if I sold that kind of chili in my tearoom,

that I could make $500 a night?

Easy, but why would anyone want to go back there?

We got a free pot of chili right here.

Good point.

Chili in the tearoom!

Chili in the tearoom!

Sammy, kiss that poolroom goodbye, pal.

Sam, she's selling an awful lot of chili in there.

She must be getting pretty close to that $500 mark.

Oh, come on, so she's selling a couple bowls.

I mean, how much chili can a guy eat?

- Boy, I can't eat another mouthful. - See what I mean?

Thank goodness they sell these gallon buckets for takeout.

Oh, man. I'm going to lose my poolroom.

I've got to think of some way to stop her.

I agree with you, Sammy. Go for the jugular.

What do you mean, like, sabotage her?

No. Go for her jugular.

She can't sell chili when her throat's all ripped out.

Well, she could, but who'd want to buy it?

No, I got it. I got it.

Let's call the fire marshal on her.

No, no. That would be below the belt.

I can't do that.

Sam, can I talk to you?

I just realized that the closer I'm getting to my goal, the more...

All I'm thinking about is winning, and that's not right.

I mean, I wasn't considering your feelings.

You've had that poolroom for many, many years.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

I'm gonna win your pool room

Call the fire marshal.

Glad that dinner rush is over.

Give me time to put up a new pot before the after-theater crowd gets here.

Sam, I'm taking a break.

Me, too, Sammy.

I'm down to the last notch on my belt.

I had to make a new one with a nail.

Hey, Cliff. You got something in the mail.

That reminds me.

Did I ever take you out back and kick the hell out of you

for that postal increase?

Good. Just going over my checklist.

Well, look at this.

It's a reply from my Weathergirl Dorothy.

Look at that, the sweetheart. She sent a little photo of herself.

No, I believe that's a satellite photo of the entire Eastern seaboard.

Oh, yeah, but she's in there.

I mean, I'm in there.

We're all in there.

The letter says, "Dear Cliff,

thank you so much for your sweet letter.

You didn't mention what grade you are in,

but from the handwriting, I guess that you're a big boy of 11 or 12.

Maybe when you grow up, you can be a weatherperson, too.

Yours truly, Dorothy Borsek."

Sam, the fire marshal.

Sam?

We got a tip that Cheers is operating a kitchen without a permit.

Anything to that?

Oh, gosh, no.

I don't think anything that would concern you.

Just a couple of exposed propane tanks,

unventilated hot plate,

I mean, but that's... now wait a second.

Gee, that's a potential fire hazard, and you're a fire marshal.

What was I thinking?

I think I'll just take a look-see.

Maybe I shouldn't have called the fire department.

- Maybe that was wrong. - Don't chicken out now.

Maybe I should have put a mouse in the chili

and called the health department. That would have been funnier.

Sam, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Do you realize everything that Rebecca has attempted in her life

has resulted in failure?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

This is her first success,

and you're trying to take it away from her.

That's my poolroom.

- But it's her life. - But it's my poolroom.

Come on, you guys understand that, don't you?

Yeah, Sam. We understand.

We understand you made a fair bet,

you saw you were gonna lose, and you started cheating.

Well, I didn't want to be a bad sport.

I just wanted to do anything I had to to win.

Well, that's no reason for you to be a cheater.

But you were the one that told me to cheat.

No, I said to kill her.

Cheating is wrong.

I'm sorry.

What, you all hate me now?

Well, kind of, yeah.

I'm afraid that's some list, Miss Howe.

Great. Now he's writing her up a citation.

So it's beans, tomato paste, onions, peppers, and ground beef.

No, that's ground chuck.

Ground chuck.

Serves eight?

What are you gonna do, share it with the other guys at the firehouse?

Why should I? What have they ever done for me?

Sam...

Why do you suppose the fire marshal would come by my chili room

tonight of all nights?

Kismet?

No. Because you tipped him off.

Sam, you could have gotten me shut down.

Thank God that dear man loves his chili.

I'm sorry. I got carried away.

Yes, you did.

Listen, I got to make this up to you.

How close are you to getting that $500?

About $20.

I'll tell you what. Let me buy a bowl of chili for $20.

No, Sam, you don't need to do that.

I want to prove to you that I'm no poor loser.

Come on. Give me my bowl of chili here.

Thank you, Sam. This is nice of you.

Go ahead. Just put on Woody's hat and get the chili yourself.

Because I want to get my camera

and get a picture of you pouring that bowl of chili

that put me over the top.

You got to warm it up, Sam.

You know how to turn on the flame?

- It's kind of tricky. - I'll figure it out.

Yep. That's how I figured it out, too.

It was an accident.

Sammy, are you okay?

You ever had a pot of chili

fly by your face at the speed of light?

No.

Don't.

Look at that hole in that wall.

Who could miss it?

I'm talking about that brick wall across the alley.

That pressure cooker really wanted out of here.

Okay, everybody out of here. Out!

Come on! Everybody out!

Go back to the bar, please.

Not you.

I want to talk to you.

Don't you think maybe I should go to a trauma center first?

Some of this could be me.

I know what you're thinking. I didn't do this on purpose.

I swear to God I didn't do it on purpose.

You did it just because I started doing really well back here,

and you're jealous. You're just a big baby.

- I am not. - Yes, you are.

You want everything for you and nothing for me.

Well, yeah.

If that's being a big baby, okay, but I'm a guy.

I'm supposed to be a big baby.

And you're a woman.

You're supposed to be like a nice mommy

and tell me everything's okay and pat me on the head.

I'd like to pat you on the head with a pickax.

Well, I know how you feel, and I'm sorry.

This is crazy.

I feel so sorry.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do. I really do. I just feel terrible.

I feel like I could cry.

Okay.

Okay, what?

Cry.

What do you mean?

I mean make water come out of your eyes.

That way I'll know that you're really sorry

for what you've done here.

- Just cry? - Yep.

Does it count if you really want to cry

but you can't?

No. Cry, Sam.

No onions.

I want real tears. Now just cry.

Give me a break. What am I supposed to...

I mean, isn't this enough? A guy who can't cry?

I mean, that is heartbreaking.

Honey, there's nothing sadder than a man who can't cry.

No, Sam. It is not enough.

Wait. Maybe I can help you out here.

There. Now we can go.

Come on.

What was that sound?

That was the sound of me breaking all the windows of your Corvette.

There. Now there are those tears.