Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Another beer, Sam. Put it on my tab.

Actually, Paul, we don't run tabs here.

What do you mean you don't run tabs here?

Norm Peterson has a tab the size of his pants.

Well, that's Norm.

Well, this is Paul.

Norm doesn't have much in life except Cheers.

What about me? I'm unemployed.

I don't like my wife.

You're putting me in a tough spot here.

I'm sorry, Sam. I really want a tab.

Yeah, I want a tab, too.

Hey, you guys are getting tabs?

Hey, everybody, we're all getting tabs!

No, you're not. Put that back.

- Paul, you see... - I'm sitting here till I get a tab.

What are you talking about? Paul doesn't have a tab here?

Please, this is one of our most loyal customers for years.

If anyone deserves a tab in this joint, it's Paul.

All right. We'll run a tab for Paul.

Hey, thanks, Norm.

Can I have a beer, please, Sam? Why don't we put it on Paul's tab?

Carla, it's the first of the month.

Where's my rent check for the poolroom and bathrooms?

Here you are.

Buy yourself a melon in case you misplace your head.

Thank you.

Tell me, Carla, clinically speaking,

are you considered a dwarf or a midget?

Say, is that your head, or is your neck blowing a bubble?

Somebody phone the authorities in Paris.

A gargoyle has just fallen off Notre-Dame

and is now taking drink orders.

You know, two heads like that would make a perfectly good butt.

Shrike!

- Bullet head! - Slattern!

Hatchet face!

Well, must be off. Till next month, then.

He's good people.

Hey, Carla.

What's the matter, Eephus?

You served table three's drinks to table five.

- That's a five? - Yeah, can't you read that?

That's not surprising, Woody. Carla's reaching that age

where the lens of the cornea loses its elasticity.

They say that the eye is the first to go.

Keep it up, and your teeth will be first to go.

That was clearly a three there, Eephus.

Get your orders straight.

Good morning.

Rebecca, you got to get on the phone with the distributor.

- I'm still out of vermouth. - I'll do that this afternoon.

I have to work on my own plans this morning.

Your plans for what?

For what I'm gonna do when I buy your bar.

Oh, those plans, right.

How could I forget that?

You're not taking me seriously, are you, Sam?

No. No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

You, the bar owner.

"Hi. I'm Rebecca Howe. Welcome to my bar.

Gee. We're a little low on vermouth today.

Maybe I ought to get on the phone and order some,

because after all, this is my bar."

That is not funny.

Yeah, well, I guess to get it, you'd have to be a bar owner

or out of vermouth, and I'm both, so order it.

I'm prepared to make you a legitimate offer on this bar.

I can offer you $25,000 cash right now.

How about $15,000 in cash and 10,000 in vermouth!

Sam, I'm serious.

Where are you going to get that kind of money?

I have a degree. I'm a businesswoman.

I just spent the last ten years in a major corporation.

My daddy's giving it to me.

- He's just giving it to you? - No, we have an agreement.

He agreed to give me the money, and I agreed to never come home

and cry so hard that I throw up at the dinner table.

This is a bit of a surprise, isn't it, Rebecca?

Why do you want Cheers? I would think for you

this bar would only have negative associations connected with it.

Think of all the heartbreak you've had here...

The forgotten goals, the missed opportunities.

Hey, it's called atmosphere, babe.

I would think, for you,

this place would have the stench of failure.

No, that's Clavin. And FYI, it's not just failure.

You know, actually, Lilith,

I had more productive, successful times at Cheers

than I've had anyplace else in my life.

Dear God!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was thinking of something else.

I think it's a great idea, you running a business,

but you got to understand something,

this bar is not for sale at any price.

- End of story. - Do you really mean that?

Because I'm not gonna come to you with this offer again.

Well, I'll just have to live with that.

I'll hold it in my heart and remember all the laughter it brought me.

By the way, you know,

that vermouth's not going to order itself there, Sparky.

Sam!

I'm sorry. You're right. I'm not taking you seriously here.

I've got to be supportive.

Tell you what, I will sell you this bar.

- You will? - Yeah.

What would be a fair price?

We've got liquor, glasses, bars tools.

Oh, I don't know, let's say $25 million.

- Come on, Sam. - Oh, don't be so negative.

Here, I'll show you how supportive I can be.

Let's take a collection here for Rebecca.

I need a tin can. Here we go.

- Hey! Yo! Yo! - There you go.

Okay, let's help Rebecca pay for this bar!

I tell you what, I am going to put in

a nickel myself. Now, can anyone match that?

Anyone?

Oh, not looking good here.

I hope you're having fun.

Actually, I'm not. Fund-raising is really hard work.

I must be doing something right.

A guy just gave me a $10 tip on a $30 bar tab.

That's a single.

Oh, man.

I might as well get this over with.

Woody, come with me. I shouldn't put this off any longer.

There you go. Now you're thinking there, Carla.

Get those eyes checked out properly.

Forget that.

I'm going to run the cheapskate over like a dog.

If your eyes are in such great shape,

then how come you took my car keys by mistake?

It was no mistake.

You think I want his blood and hair on my fender?

I see a starfish.

I think it's a manta ray.

Showing ink-blots again, Dr. Crane?

No. We are engaged in something far more challenging

than anything Hermann Rorschach ever dreamed up.

That's right, Wood.

We're trying to figure out the five hidden pictures

on Melville's kiddy place mat.

Okay, boys. Tell you what,

let's check Rebecca's tote board here, ladies and gentlemen.

All right.

You see her goal here of $25 million.

Let's check that against a grand total of...

...two nickels!

All right!

Wait a minute!

That confetti just cost you a nickel.

Promotion's not free.

Your jokes are so childish and moronic.

That's what keeps me young, babe.

- Rebecca! - Oh, Harry. I'm glad you're here.

Sam, this is my appraiser.

He's going to tell me how much this bar is really worth.

I'll save you some trouble there, Harry.

The bar is worth $25 million.

Well, Rebecca, I need to work up the figures,

but everything seems to be in good shape,

except for that strange floor deformity.

What floor deformity?

There seems to be a depression here.

It's almost as if this barstool is sinking right into the earth.

I wonder what could cause that.

Pardon me, pal.

You're standing between me and my cheese doodles.

You know, I don't think

that a ground-surface irregularity of this nature is so strange.

After all, the entire East Coast is sinking.

We all know that.

I mean, due to global warming, the polar icecaps are melting,

and, hey, we're going to be all underwater anyway.

That's why I keep a couple cans of tuna

and an inflatable raft in the trunk of my car.

Wait a second, I ate that tuna a couple nights ago.

I better go out and get some more.

If that flood comes tonight, I'm really going to kick myself.

Harry...

...do you think you have enough figures to run the appraisal?

Just one more question,

is that mailman going to be hanging around here?

I don't know.

Well, I'll run the figures both ways.

Honey, you're wasting your money running an appraisal like this.

You've only got one nickel left.

Sam, you know what?

You never take anything I say seriously.

Take this seriously.

I will have this bar.

You're right. I'm sorry.

From now on, I'm going to take you seriously.

Good.

This is me taking Rebecca seriously.

Come on, guys, let's all take Rebecca seriously.

I'm going to be very serious now.

This is a very serious bar.

I'd like a very serious beer.

No, I'm serious, Sam. I'd like one.

You guys are such...

Excuse me, Miss. Is this total right?

Yeah.

What was that?

Nothing.

It was something across the bridge of your nose

that was horn-rimmed and a little Coke bottle-ish.

I went to one of those one-hour joints

and I got myself a pair of reading glasses.

But if I hear one single comment about Ben Franklin

or granny or "four eyes,"

I will cut out your tongue and fry it up for lunch.

I don't care. It's worth a tongue.

Oh, darn.

These glasses have a spot on them.

That's better.

This is so funny.

What are you doing, Sam?

I'm faking a letter from the IRS

saying Rebecca overpaid her return last year,

so the government now owes her $25 million.

Sam.

Well, it could happen. Come on, give me a break.

I think your humor is expressing a hidden hostility toward Rebecca.

Or perhaps deep down you fear

she really is capable of taking this bar from you.

Put a suit on a woman, she thinks she's God.

Frasier, are you going to let him talk to me like this?

She's also this way when the suit comes off.

You should see her rule the roost in her bra and panties.

Well, look...

Hey, it's a compliment, baby.

Hey, listen to this.

"P.S. Order some vermouth."

- Sam. - Yeah?

I've always known that you felt

my owning the poolrooms and bathrooms was

an unwieldy arrangement, so I've found a solution.

Oh, good. What?

I've agreed to sell them to Rebecca.

I hope you can afford the new rent.

But if you have any trouble, maybe you can throw a little telethon.

Tell you what.

I'm willing to donate a nickel.

Oh, no, no, no. This is not gonna happen here.

Listen, if you want to sell these rooms to somebody,

sell them to me.

Whatever she offered you, I'll pay more.

Oh, really?

Why? Wait a minute. What did she offer you?

I offered him the $25,000 my father gave me.

Sam, do you have a father?

Hold it. Excuse me. Wait a minute.

You accepted my deal. You said "Yes."

"Yes" can mean so many things.

You see what she's trying to do here, don't you, John?

If she gets a hold of those bathrooms

and then the poolroom,

she'll take the whole bar. She's gonna ruin me.

I'm all a-tingle.

All right. All right.

How much did she offer you?

25,000.

All right. $25,001.

No, $20.

$25,020. Let's see you beat that.

$30,000.

I thought we were going up in $20.

It seems we have two interested parties here.

Perhaps I should give it to the one who wants it most...

The party who is willing to go that extra mile.

Oh, dear, I notice my shoelace is untied.

Oh, give me a break!

You expect one of us to get down on our hands and knees

and tie your shoelace so you can give them the room?

To hell with you, Mister. You know, nothing's worth that.

Oh, Christmas is coming early this year.

Woody, if you see Hill,

give him his keys, tell him I finished.

Sam, you didn't wash his car, did you?

What do you take me for?

I detailed every inch of it.

Hey, Carla.

I heard the guys were kidding you about your glasses.

But I want you to know

I think it makes you look a lot more intellectual.

Thanks, Woody.

In fact, they kind of make you look like Einstein.

Thanks a lot.

If you could just get your hair to do what his does...

Actually, it almost does.

- Why me? - I have to work with him.

Oh, boy, Miss Howe.

When I see a woman in a hot little black dress like that,

all I think of is Zowie...

...and who died?

Sam, I wanted to thank you for washing John's car,

because after he cooks dinner for me tonight,

he might want me to go dancing, and I want us to look good.

Aw, that's great.

I send him flowers, and he takes you dancing.

Jeez! Men!

You know, also you can wax John's car

and you can do his menial tasks,

but I have something you don't have.

See you later...

Or in the morning.

What does she mean by that,

she has something you don't have?

She's got nice hair. You got nice hair.

She's got nice eyes. You got nice eyes.

She's got...

Sam, you're in big trouble.

- That was a very nice meal, Mr. Hill. - Thank you.

I only wish I could have cooked it for you.

I didn't want to disturb you while you were doing the windows.

Why don't we just sit here awhile and enjoy a little wine

before you do the dishes.

You know, John, I really deserve

that property downstairs more than Sam does.

Well, deserving something and earning it are two different things.

Well, you know, John, if you did sell me the property,

I would be a very friendly neighbor,

and I'm sure we could come to some mutual agreement.

You do know what I mean, don't you?

Oh, I'll clean that up later.

Don't worry about that.

We have a real estate purchase to consider.

In fact, why don't we go into the next room?

We can get under the sheets and haggle.

- Right now? - I'm ready.

Gee, John, I think that stain's going to set in here.

I'm willing to throw caution to the wind

and say I'll risk my carpet.

We really need to put something on it.

Very well. How about us?

I mean, as enchanting as that offer is, John,

I really think club soda would be more effective.

Oh, you're into club soda, are you?

No, not really...

What can that possibly mean?

Come to papa, peaches.

Oh, no. Wait. Hold it. There's a joint right around the corner

and they sell these carpet-cleaning machines.

This hot water shoots right into the bristles,

and it really cleans it up fast.

- Sounds like fun. - No, I really better be going.

- You're fast. - And agile.

Yes? Come in!

Rebecca, Rebecca, Rebecca.

- Sam, I'm really glad to see you. - I'm just glad I got here in time.

I mean, you see what he's driving you to, don't you?

You're throwing yourself at a man just to gain material things.

You know what that makes you, don't you?

Ahead in the race to get a poolroom and two bathrooms.

Come on, Rebecca.

You just stay out of this, will you, John?

Honey, go downstairs. Wipe that makeup off, will you?

Tell you what. Put on a nice dress or something.

Maybe call your mom. Bet it's been a while, hasn't it?

Yeah, it has, Sam. It has.

Yeah. Go on.

Actually, it's been a while for me, too, Sam.

Thanks for spoiling what was gonna be a lovely evening.

That certainly endears you to me.

I just have two words for you, John...

- What's that? - Twins.

Come on in, girls.

Here's Johnny!

How do you like these, Johnny boy?

Go ahead and touch them. They're real.

Oh, I just forgot my...

Who are they?

This is not what you think.

We never met a big Hollywood producer before.

All right, it's what you think.

Sam, look at us. Do you know what he's doing here?

He's playing us against each other.

You're right. This is disgusting.

You can't make us act like this.

You can keep those stupid old rooms.

All bets are off. Come on, let's go.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

So did Sam explain the part you'll be reading for?

Sam, I can't believe you could sink this low.

You should have seen me in my prime.

Sam!

Get out of here, will you, Hill?

We don't want your type around here anymore.

- You're bad news. - Bad news.

I just came down to thank you

for introducing me to Hope and Joy, Sam.

It's very hard to make friends in a new town.

The least I can do is sell you the poolroom and bathrooms.

As I recall, the last offer was $30,000.

Yeah, but I don't have $30,000.

- How much do you have? - 5,000.

I'm sorry, Sam. It's simply out of the question.

But wait a minute. I detailed your car.

Wait a minute, Sam.

You do have $30,000.

Oh, wow, Rebecca. You'd do this for me?

I'd do this for us.

A business partnership, Sam.

We should have thought of it in the first place.

Oh, yeah. Why didn't we?

Because you were so busy making those stupid telethon jokes.

Yeah, I'm going to miss those.

All right, listen, here's her check,

and here's mine. That makes $30,000.

Well, thank you very much.

Enjoy your poolroom.

You should rest well in the knowledge

that this $30,000 will pay nicely for that screen test.

Good news, girls. We're going to Hollywood.