Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Watch this.

What do you got, Wood?

Watch closely as I remove my own index finger.

Something I learned from my uncle, only when I do it, it's a trick.

Not bad, but I think Cliff ie's still ahead on points.

And in what sophomoric activity are you gentlemen involved now?

Our first annual tricks with digits exhibition.

Of all the pointless wastes of human energy.

Frasier's right.

You could sit here until the end of time

doing your silly finger tricks,

but none of you will ever be able to top this.

Wow, she's right.

The king is dead. Long live the queen!

Yeah. And she's writing. She's going for bonus points.

What's it say?

"My fist is stuck, call 911."

Come on, hon.

You know, this happens to her more often than you'd think.

There you go.

- What the hell is this? - It's clam juice.

I wanted a martini.

I wanted to be Princess Carla of Monaco.

Drink it.

Sorry, Mr. Krabintz, we can't get into the office or the storeroom

because Miss Howe locked herself in

since she decided not to marry Mr. Colcord.

She's still in there. She's still in the gown.

She won't talk to anybody, doesn't move, doesn't eat.

Gee, that's awful.

I really wanted a martini.

Greetings, all.

A pint of lager, my good publican.

I'm of a Dickensian spirit today.

I've just come from the antiquarian book fair,

where I managed to luck into a handsomely bound first edition

of Charles Dickens' Tale of Two Cities.

Wow! if you don't mind my asking, how much does something like this cost?

Well, Woody, money isn't really the issue, but around $1,200.

1,200 bucks?

I got something to show you, Dr. Crane.

It's called a library card.

Thank you for the advice, Woody.

Now may I have a scotch on the rocks, please?

Okey-doke.

That'll be around 1,200 bucks.

Frasier, you know, it's a good thing you're here

because we got to think of some way to get that crazy lady out of the office.

It's been two days.

Well, I realize that you're concerned about Rebecca, and that you all look to me

as the solver of all problems personal,

but in this case I have to throw up my hands.

There's a limit to what even I can do.

And we also know how you pout when we don't ask you.

Fine. Maybe I'll just go home.

Okay. I got the toolbox here.

I'm gonna get Rebecca out of that office right now.

Rebecca!

I got a screwdriver here!

I'm going to take that doorknob off, and I'm going to open the door here.

Rebecca!

I got a Phillips head by mistake, but I'm going to...

I'm putting that down, and I'm picking up a flat head,

and then I'm going to take that doorknob off.

Rebecca!

I don't have a flat head,

but I have one of those putty things, and I'm going to...

Damn.

Okay, Rebecca, I just punctured my thumb with that putty thing,

and I'm going to go get a tetanus shot, then I'm coming back here

and taking that doorknob off.

Here's a Band-Aid.

Hey, hey, guys, Rebecca.

- Rebecca's out. - No, no.

Don't say Rebecca. Don't call me Rebecca.

Rebecca doesn't live here anymore.

Rebecca died two days ago.

Oh, so that's what that is.

I'm telling you, a woman should never sweat in taffeta.

- Have a seat, come on. - Thank you.

I've never sat here before.

Here I am, sitting on this stool, knowing my life is a mess.

I have no future, and I'm a totally hopeless failure.

Yeah, try it with beer nuts.

It is all my fault. I mean, I got what I deserved,

and now I'm alone.

I have nothing, and I'm just a, you know,

worthless, shallow person.

I'm telling you, try it with the beer nuts.

Rebecca,

I realize you haven't sought my professional advice,

but I think it's time to get some perspective.

Take a look at yourself, splash some water on your face,

and get a fresh start.

I'd like to, Frasier, but I seem to have lost the will to move.

I just want to sit here for the rest of my life.

Maybe it's the stool.

Come on, Miss Howe.

Woody,

have you ever had your whole life cave in on you all of a sudden?

No, but I have had a cave cave in on me all of a sudden.

You know, at the risk of sounding insensitive,

I'm glad she's getting out of here.

Her walking around in that wedding dress was just a tad too "Miss Havisham" for me.

- Who? - Miss Havisham.

Famous character from Charles Dickens' Great Expectations.

Spends the entire novel walking around in her wedding dress.

- What? - Yes.

Oh, surely you know it. It's Great Expectations.

Pip, Miss Havisham, Magwitch,

and...

...and four pizza-loving turtles who practice martial arts in the sewer.

Hey, cowabunga, dude.

You know,

a lot of people don't realize that was a comic book first.

I'm going to go for a drive, Sam.

Oh yeah, sweetheart, that's a good idea. Get some fresh air.

- Take all the time you want. - Thank you.

Where did she get those clothes?

Sam, could you dig some clothes out of the lost and found?

Here you go.

Woody, come out here, let's take a look.

Hey, Sam, how long did you say

these clothes have been in the lost and found?

I don't know, a while, I guess. Why?

Hey, Sam, is that Woody Boyd, or is that Keith Partridge?

When's Miss Howe getting back with my real clothes?

I can't go out like this.

I know it was the seventies and all, but who would dress

in anything this dumb-looking?

Boy, those duds look familiar.

"Property of C. Clavin."

Deep inside, didn't we all know that?

- These were your clothes, Mr. Clavin? - I guess.

- How'd they end up in the lost and found? - How did they end up in there?

Well, it was the seventies, and I was a swinger.

I had some good times in those rags, Woody.

We don't want to hear about it.

It was great, you know, the disco scene. Groovin'.

- Ixnay, Cliff. - It was a great decade, huh?

Hot-tubbing every night, and I got rolfed.

Please stop, Mr. Clavin.

Now I remember how I lost those clothes.

Oh, don't say it. Don't say it.

I was streaking.

Oh, I knew it! I knew he was going to say it.

Of course I was about three pounds lighter then.

Woody, I think it was a great sacrifice

for you to give your clothes to Rebecca.

It puts me in mind of another novel by my favorite British author.

You know who I mean. I'll give you a hint.

Charles...

In Charge?

Are you people really this ignorant, or do you just do this to torture me?

Sometimes the two go hand in hand.

All right. Gather 'round, everyone. I'm going to right a horrible wrong.

I'm going to read to you Dickens' classic

A Tale of Two Cities.

You'll see just how much fun great literature can be.

"Book the First.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times."

Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Which was it?

Just stay tuned, Norm.

"It was the age of wisdom. It was the age of foolishness.

It was the epic of belief. It was the epic of incredulity."

Boy, this Dickens guy really liked to keep his butt covered, didn't he?

"There was a king with a large jaw and a queen with a plain face

on the throne of England and...

and..."

"...and there was a bloodthirsty clown

who beckoned innocent children into the sewer

and swallowed them whole."

That's a neat trick.

Wait a minute, Frasier. Wait a second.

Yeah. Cheers. What?

I... Rebecca, where are you calling from? I can barely hear you.

30,000 feet over Pittsburgh.

What? I thought you were just going for a drive.

I did. I drove to the airport.

Listen, will you tell Woody that I left his car

outside the United terminal...

...or American.

It doesn't really make any difference.

They all tow them to the same place anyway.

Sam, is that Miss Howe? Ask her if she has my wallet.

I need my driver's license.

Actually you don't have to worry about that now.

What are you doing? Where are you going?

I'm going home to San Diego.

I want to try and forget Boston.

I want to erase the last three years of my life.

It's been five, Rebecca.

Has it been that long?

Hey, Sam, does she have my wallet?

You still have Woody's wallet, don't you?

Yeah. How do you think I'm paying for this call?

Hell, how do you think I'm paying for this flight?

Yeah. She still has it.

Honey, listen to me.

You can't run away from your problems like this.

The only reason I called was to say goodbye

and thank you for everything. It's really meant a lot to me. Bye-bye.

Oh, Miss, did you remember your credit card?

Oh, yeah, thanks. I'm going to need this.

I need to buy a whole new wardrobe when we land.

I'm going to be good to myself.

As we recall from Monday's installment of A Tale of Two Cities,

Sydney Carton is about to go to the guillotine

and sacrifice himself.

Guillotine... slice that neck.

"When suddenly an Apache attack chopper

hovered above the guillotine...

...pumping hot lead into the crowd."

Get them frogs, huh?

"As Darnay climbed into the chopper,

sweat streaming from his blood-stained headband,

he could be heard to mutter,

'It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done.

It is a far, far better... butt-kicking I give...

...than I have ever butt-kicked.'"

- All right. - Great!

What a book, huh?

What are you going to read to us next?

Well, I was thinking about David Copperfield.

What's that about?

Well, it's about these...

...two coppers and this...

...field.

And they're found... dismembered with their body parts switched.

Man, that Dickens is one sick dude.

Have any of you guys heard from Rebecca yet?

- Not me. - Turn on the game, Sam.

No. Let's give her a call.

I got her parents' number.

Let's just tell her we're thinking about her and that we care.

It's her parents' machine. I hate these things.

I never know what to say.

Hi. This is Sam from Cheers. This message is for Rebecca.

Hi, Rebecca. We just wanted to find out if you were okay

and tell you that we miss you and I love you and I hope...

- Whoa, Sam. - What?

You love her?

No. I didn't say that. Hold on a second.

No. I didn't say that.

I said we miss her and we love her.

You said we miss her and you love her.

But it was implied that you miss her, too.

Shoot. I don't want her to get the wrong impression.

Hi, Rebecca, listen, when I said that I love you,

I didn't mean love love. I...

I meant more like a friend, a buddy, a pal, like a partner, you know,

like the two cops in David Copperfield.

Okay, honey?

Well, anyway, bye-bye.

- Wait! - Wait. Hold on.

That was a little cold.

Listen, she's feeling kind of low.

You can't just kick her when she's down like that.

Sweetheart, when I said that I love you, I meant that you're

a very important part of my life, along with a lot of other people.

It's like my life is this big jigsaw puzzle

and you're a very important part, you know, like a corner piece.

Yeah, hold on.

I think the guys want to say something. Go ahead.

Sammy loves you!

Any of you guys tried that new steakhouse on Commonwealth?

- No. - It's the greatest.

Beautiful waitresses in tiny little wench outfits.

Yeah? What did you have?

A beautiful waitress in a tiny little wench outfit.

I'm going back, too.

Dr. Crane, when will you read us more Dickens?

Dickens!

Dickens!

Frasier, I'm impressed.

It seems your experiment in cultural enrichment

- has been a success. - Yep.

We're waiting for Oliver Twist: The Wrath of Fagin.

Excuse me?

Darling, I've done some things the past few weeks I'm not very proud of.

Just... leave it alone.

Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

Hey, guys.

Listen to this.

Sam, this is Rebecca. I got your message.

Hearing your voice made me realize

what I'm missing in my life.

I was such a fool not to have seen it before.

My plane lands at midnight tonight.

I'm coming straight to the bar to see you.

So will you please, please wait for me?

What am I going to do?

I mean, do you think that she's coming back here

because I left that message on her machine?

Yeah.

Hey, will you be serious for a minute?

Just once, I'd like to have a serious conversation

in this damn bar.

Do you really think that she's rushing back

because I said, "I love you"?

Yeah.

Yeah, what do you know?

I'm going to talk to somebody who knows something around here.

- What do you think? - You're dead meat on a stick.

No, I'm not dead meat on a stick, and even if she does think that,

I've handled lots of love-crazed babes

who wanted to become Mrs. Sam Malone.

I've got dozens of ways of handling that.

Even if they all don't work, I still have plan "Z."

What's plan "Z" there, Sam?

Never you mind.

It's pretty drastic, I'll admit, but I'll use it if I have to.

I don't want the same woman hanging onto me the rest of my life.

Can you imagine how creepy that would be, Frasier?

I'll answer that question another time.

Okay, just wait outside and come running in

- when you see the lights flash. - Right.

Carla, Sammy will not tell us. What is this plan "Z"?

Tell you everything I know for 20 bucks each.

Yeah, all right.

It's called plan "Z."

When Sammy flashes the lights, this guy Leon comes in and executes it.

Yeah, but what is plan "Z"?

Beats me.

I didn't know that much two minutes ago.

Give me the money.

- I think it was worth it. - Oh, yeah.

Sam, it seems to me

you're going through an awful lot of machinations

to avoid dealing honestly and directly with Rebecca.

Well, that's me, always thinking.

Besides, I don't think we'll have to use plan "Z" here.

What are we talking about? We're talking about Rebecca.

What's the worst she can do?

Sam, I hope you're ready to change your life, because I am.

Can you excuse me just a second?

Sam, why are you flashing the lights?

Oh, you know, it's just kind of to welcome you back,

like three cheers! Hey, Rebecca's back!

Rebecca's back!

Sam, get over here. Quit being silly.

I have to ask you something really important.

Will you sell me this bar?

No. What?

Cheers. I want to run Cheers.

Running this place was the only time I ever felt like somebody.

You know, people looked up to me.

Who?

You mean you didn't come back here to marry Sam?

Marry Sam? Why would you think that?

You didn't think that, did you?

Shoot, no.

That's why you've been doing all this weird stuff,

because you think I came back here to marry you?

What weird stuff?

I can't keep living a lie, Sam.

No. No, Leon. No.

Sam is my lover.

Boy, you...

You really did think I was after you.

I can't believe this.

You're a wussy little 'fraidy cat.

I'm not a wussy little 'fraidy cat.

Then this is real.

You and Leon are lovers.

Well, why don't you give Leon a kiss then?

Because we've been together for 14 years

and we're no longer demonstrative.

You know, the spark's gone. I'm sorry, Leon.

I probably should have said something sooner.

No. Sam, you can't have it both ways.

You either give Leon a kiss...

...on his lips

or you admit that you are a wussy little 'fraidy cat.

Sammy, don't let her make you look like a wussy little 'fraidy cat.

I'm not a wussy little 'fraidy cat.

- Meow! - Come on.

Meow!

Sorry about that, Leon.

You realize I'm gonna have to slug you in the face now?

I wish you would.

We still on for golf Thursday?

- Yeah, you bet. - Great.

- That hurts. - Sammy, look at you.

Your nose is bleeding. Your eye's starting to swell.

And you just kissed a man.

But you're not a wussy little 'fraidy cat.

- No, not Sammy. - Good boy.

You know, in the space of the last 30 seconds,

we have witnessed deceit, sexual turmoil,

and sudden, senseless violence.

It puts me in mind of a passage from...

...The Pickwick Papers.