Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

What's going on there?

Appears to be a male lying in the street.

Oh, my God, it's Woody!

Excuse us! Excuse us! Move back, please!

- A doctor coming in. - Woody, are you all right?

Don't move me! Don't move me!

Don't move him! Somebody get help!

[Horn honks]

Straighten her out, Sam.

Thanks, Woods.

Hey, Carla, you'll never believe what I found in the storage closet.

This great old foosball table.

Yeah, I was pretty excited, too.

This foosball table is evil. It's cursed.

What are you talking about?

One day, it mysteriously appeared in the alley out back.

From the moment we started to play it,

this place turned from a nice local tavern

into a seething pit of resentment and back-stabbing.

Oh, so that's how it happened.

I'm telling you, things got ugly around here.

One time, the ball flew out and hit Clavin in the eye

for no earthly reason.

It was funny.

But it was spooky.

That's when I realized that this is an evil foosball table.

Why didn't you get rid of it?

Well, we tried to throw it away.

The trash man who picked it up, slipped,

and fell backward into traffic.

I'll never forget his last words...

"What the--"

Well, it's not exactly "The Telltale Heart,"

but, it's a pretty good story.

Gee, Carla. had no idea.

I'll put it right back.

Hey, Cliff ie, check it out. the foos table.

Too late. It has risen from its resting place

to feed upon the fat and middle-aged.

Uh, Sam...

Oh, hey, hon. How very nice to see you again.

- You're lying, aren't you? - Yes, I am.

Mr. Hill, I just had lunch up at your restaurant,

and the risotto with bay scallops and fennel,

ugh, I think it was the most delicious thing I've ever had to eat.

- We'll name it for you. - Thank you.

Hey, come here. I hate this guy.

What are you kissing up to him for?

I'm not kissing up, Sam. I like the food.

Sam, you don't have to be jealous.

You are a very handsome businessman,

and you own the hottest spot in town.

Oh, thank you very much.

That's kissing up.

Sam, I think we both know why I'm here.

I bet you want the number to my hair stylist, don't you?

I'm sorry. Now, that was cruel.

Sam, as we both know,

I own legal title to your poolroom and both bathrooms.

Hey, why do you keep repeating that every time you come down here?

You're driving me up the wall.

That's why. Now, where was I?

Oh, yes. As you know,

I own legal title to your poolroom and both bathrooms,

and rent on said property is past due since last Wednesday.

I hope you haven't forgotten me, Sam.

Forgotten you, John? I could never forget you.

You're in my bad dreams every night.

You're why I'm in therapy for the first time in my life.

Well, don't forget to mention to your therapist

that I own legal title--

All right! All right! All right! All right!

I'll write you your stupid check.

Sam, I'm a little hurt.

If you felt the need to see a therapist, why didn't you come to me?

Well, you know, I was looking sort of for a doctor

that, you know, didn't know me so well,

who has, uh, blonde hair and smoky eyes

and wears miniskirts

and crosses her legs all the time.

Oh. Connie Forsythe. A fine doctor.

Yeah.

She'll straighten you out.

Oh, she did.

Here's my personal check.

You'll notice that I made it out

to John "You Stink" Hill.

Sam, this is not up to your usual standards.

Now it is.

Man, I can never get the guy.

I hate him! Just once I would like to do something

that gets under his skin.

Sam, forget him. He's gone.

No, he's not gone. There's no escaping the guy.

I mean, I walk down my own hallway,

and I know that I'm on his turf.

I can't even go to the damn bathroom without getting mad.

Oh, you, too, Sammy?

You know something? I'm out of here.

I'm going to go see Dr. Forsythe. I got to get this out of my system.

Are you going to talk to her about it?

No, I'm going to get it out of my system.

Excuse me. Are you Mr. Malone?

Yeah.

Well, there seems to be a problem with this check.

Oh, what, I just made a joke-name up. Big deal.

All he has to do is make sure

he endorses it John "I Stink" Hill.

No, Mr. Malone. You made it out for too much.

You added an extra zero.

Oh. well, thank you very much.

I'm surprised someone as nice as you

works for that baldheaded jackass.

Oh, I don't work for him.

I'm the baldheaded jackass' daughter.

Valerie "You Stink" Hill.

I'm sorry. I never intended

for anyone to see that except John.

And all the people at the bank.

Well, yeah.

I'll write you another check.

Valerie, what are you doing down here?

I asked you never to come down here.

I just wanted to get the right amount on the check.

Well, I was perfectly pleased with the amount as written.

Besides, I don't want you associating

with the element that hangs around in this bar.

Wipe your hands.

Thank you.

Sam. I heard you say you wanted to get

under Mr. Hill's skin.

- Yeah? - Well, I got a way,

but I think it's impossible.

You're thinking that maybe I should date his daughter?

Ha! Great idea.

No, no, no.

If you really want to get under Mr. Hill's skin,

the best way is we shrink you down

to microscopic size,

and then we put you in a syringe

and we inject you right into his arm.

But I still say it's impossible.

Oh, I love this. This is a great idea.

Aw, great.

Now I got Sam trying to contradict the immutable laws of science.

When am I going to learn to keep my mouth shut?

You know, Sam, I have to confess

I've never really been out with a guy like you before.

I'm afraid I don't even know how to act.

Oh, well, it's really easy.

Shoot me over here a little bit, will you? There you go.

First off, just, you know, adjust your outfit a little bit there.

Very good.

Laugh like hell at everything I say,

and, oh, yeah, put your hand in my lap.

No, that was not a joke.

Sam, I really feel like I don't know what to say to you.

Well, it doesn't really matter, sweetheart. It just--

All you got to do is make sure you whisper it right here,

right in my neck. Yeah, there you go. Oh, hi, John!

Boy, I didn't expect to see you here tonight.

Sam, I see you've made friends with my daughter.

Oh, yes, we're very good friends by now, John.

I've discovered how her eyes dance in the light,

how neat her hair smells,

how soft her skin feels.

Modesty prevents me from going on.

Fine. I'll send the wine steward over.

Sam, I like what you said about my eyes,

but you know I'm wearing contacts.

Hmm? Oh, yeah. I know.

I saw them swimming around in there earlier.

Here, here.

Hey, John, look at this.

Your daughter and I are sharing food together.

I hope I'm not interrupting,

but has anybody told you about the specials for tonight?

Oh, it doesn't really matter, John.

We're just going to have a ton of raw oysters

and then dash out of here all out of breath.

The oysters are delicious.

What the hell kind of father is he?

Here I am, smelling your hair, talking oysters.

I mean, I could be the biggest creep in the world.

I could be taking you out for all the wrong reasons.

Are you, Sam?

No, of course not.

Here. Jump in my lap. There you go.

Sam, I'm not sure I feel comfortable sitting in your lap like this.

Hmm? Oh. How's that?

Oh, I like that.

Sam, I wonder if I could speak with you for a moment.

Well, sure, John.

Will you excuse me for a minute, Valerie?

Oh, do I have to move?

Usually, but we'll talk about that later.

Yes, John.

Sam, I was thinking, if you're considering dessert,

I'd like to recommend the Grand Marnier soufflé for two.

It's quite elegant.

The only thing is you have to order it

at least a half an hour ahead.

Oh, please don't take her away from me, Sam.

She's the only daughter I've ever had.

Please, Sam. Please.

John, I was just taking her out to annoy you.

I had no idea it would cause such genuine pain.

I'll give you anything you want, Sam.

You want your poolroom and both bathrooms rent-free?

Fine. Just promise me you'll never see Valerie again.

Oh, John, what kind of a guy do you think I am?

How can I go along with a sleazy arrangement like that?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

I'll give you my parking space for your Corvette.

Deal.

I'm telling you guys, it was beautiful.

I now have my poolroom and my bathrooms rent-free,

but, better yet, I had the guy in tears. Look at that.

I got some of them right there on the napkin.

Very nice. Now, what are you going to do

about the date with the girl?

What? Oh, thank you.

Ooh!

I forgot.

Sam, I finished all the oysters,

and I'm feeling kind of funny.

What do you want to do now?

Actually, Val, I'm kind of busy here.

A problem's just come up.

Something with the kegs here. The kegs are leaking.

What?

He's feeding her a line, stupid.

You don't joke about that kind of thing, ever.

Maybe when you're through here, we can go for a drive.

Oh, I don't know. These kegs are a never-ending problem.

I'm thinking of getting rid of them, actually.

Hey, I don't find this kind of thing funny. Okay? Maybe it's me.

Well, maybe we can do it another time.

I don't... I don't think so.

I don't think things are working out, Valerie.

All right.

Was it something I did?

No, no, no, no, no.

You know, some things work out, Some things don't.

This is one of those that just didn't work out.

Okay.

Well... bye.

Bye.

I tell you, man, this is the best deal I've ever scammed.

I get my poolroom and my bathrooms rent-free,

and all I had to do is throw a little fish back I didn't want anyway.

Yeah. There you go, Sammy.

Want to go shoot some stick in your poolroom?

No, I don't think so.

Well, how would you like to wash your hands,

Sam, in your bathroom?

No, no.

What do you want, Sam?

I want that little fish back.

- Carla, give us the ball. - No.

This is an evil game

and it brings a curse on anyone who plays it.

I'm just trying to save you guys.

Oh, come on, Carla. It's just a harmless foosball game.

We're just having fun.

So, look. Here. You drop the ball

so I can tear the heads off these pasty-faced geeks

and drink their warm red blood.

Did my head just turn completely around,

or was that just a trick of the light?

I can't believe I traded her for bathrooms.

Sam, give me a break.

The only reason you're interested in that girl

is because you can't have her.

It was the same thing with me.

You wanted her, too, Miss Howe?

Boy, I've been in this city one month too long.

No, no, Woody. He wanted me because he couldn't have me.

You know, Sam, if I told you right now you could have me,

I bet you wouldn't even be interested.

Maybe, but I'd still perform because I'm a professional.

So, Sammy, what is it now? What are you going to do?

- I'm going to see her again. - Sam,

if you do that, you may end up having to pay rent again

on the poolroom and on the bathrooms.

Why is that?

Well, if you take an action,

you have to face the consequences.

No, I don't. I'm Sammy.

Where have you been all these years?

Right. I forgot. You're Nietzsche's Superman.

Oh, yeah. Is that the one with the craggy face that looks like granite?

No, no, no. That's Bizarro Superman.

Wait. Which one was weakened by red Kryptonite?

Blue superman.

I thought he was black and he wore the big hats.

No, that's Superfly.

Woody, come over here a minute.

I want you to run a note up to Valerie for me.

"I'm sorry for everything. would you please go away

with me this weekend. I can't stop thinking about you. Sam."

Take it upstairs.

Just make sure her father doesn't get this, all right?

No sweat, Sam.

Back in Hanover, I was the official town go-between.

Anytime anybody needed a love note delivered,

they'd call on Woody Boyd.

It got to where all I had to do was knock on a door,

and my butt was filled with bird shot.

All right. I got the ball.

Foos 'em if you got 'em. Come on.

- Let's go.

Fools! Nonbelievers!

Can't you see what this evil machine has done?

Look, you're trapped.

You're spending every minute of every day in this bar.

We always do that.

Yeah, but now you're doing it standing up.

Ooh, that is kind of eerie.

Oh, Carla. This machine does not have a demonic capacity.

Even if it did, what could it do to you? It's got a tiny little ball

and it's got these little plastic men.

What, do you suppose that if you stick your hand here

into the goal, it'll bite it off?

See? I'm just playing on your superstitions.

Hey.

Hey, my hand's caught.

No, no, it's really caught.

I know. That's why we're laughing.

Oh, good, Woody, did you deliver the note there?

Uh, yeah. Well, I couldn't find Miss Hill,

so I waited around a while

and ended up leaving with Reuben the busboy.

Oh, good. Thank you, man.

Yeah. He's really looking forward to the weekend.

He wants to know what he should wear.

Woody. Woody, didn't you tell Reuben that the note was for Valerie?

Sam, I didn't have the heart.

He was so happy, he was walking on air.

Sam, this isn't fair.

It's one thing to string me along,

but our busboy, Reuben, is in a very vulnerable state.

He just split up with the pastry chef.

No. Valerie, wait. Valerie, wait.

That note wasn't for Reuben. That note was for you.

I don't understand. You just brushed me off.

Oh, no, no. I just had a problem with the kegs there.

Did that seem like a brush-off to you? I'm sorry.

See, I wouldn't know. I've never brushed anyone off before.

Listen, I really like you a lot and I'd like to see you again.

You know, maybe we could go up to the cape for a weekend.

What do you say? I hear it's really nice up there.

I wouldn't know. I've never been there myself.

What do you say?

Gee, it sounds like fun.

Good. All right. Just make sure you don't tell your father, all right?

Good idea.

You know, you may not believe this, but I get the feeling he'd rather I didn't see you.

Oh, well, that's not the problem, really.

It's just that I don't like to do my romantic stuff in public.

I don't know. You seemed so forward.

You had me sitting on your lap and everything.

I'm sorry. That seemed forward? I wouldn't know,

I've never done anything like that before.

What's wrong with them?

Oh, uh, well, the blonde has bad sinuses.

The rest of them just have bad attitudes!

I feel so stupid.

I can't believe my hand is stuck in this stupid hole.

Breathe easy, doc.

I brought an expert to help you.

Great.

Okay, Father. Get out your holy water

and cast Satan from that foosball machine.

Carla, I didn't come to perform an exorcism.

I came because you told me

that you had a friend who was thinking of converting.

Oh, he will, Father.

Go with me on this one, Frase.

But first, we have to exorcise this foosball table.

Carla, it may surprise you to learn that since Vatican ll,

the church does not accept the existence

of satanically possessed amusement machines.

First you dump Latin, and now this.

What do we pay you guys for, anyway?

Well, I know exactly what to do.

You relax and put your faith in me.

You do trust me, don't you?

- Absolutely, Father. - Good.

My thumb!

Offer the pain up to God for the poor souls, my son.

What?

I think you just lost one, Father.

Boy, it was hard sneaking out of there,

but I don't think he saw me.

Good. So you're sure now your father doesn't know?

Oh, dad stepped out.

I meant Reuben the busboy. he's still in tears.

I really feel bad about that. Maybe I should send him something.

Why don't we just get up to the car here, all right?

Sam, I'd like to freshen up before we leave.

Oh, well, all right, I'll meet you up at the car.

- Sam. - Yeah?

I like the way your hair smells, too.

Oh. Thank you.

She's really nice, isn't she, Woody?

Oh, she's really nice...

And sweet and warm and wonderful.

- Yeah? - Yeah. Back in Hanover,

me and my brother used to have a name

for a girl like that.

Yeah, what's that?

Mom.

By the way, Sam,

if I ever catch you anywhere near my mother,

you better pray that God takes you before I do.

Oh, Sam. I've written up a new agreement

stating that since you've agreed to never see my daughter again,

you now have full use of the poolroom... That's funny.

That looks just like my daughter's suitcase.

No, that's mine. You know what they say at the airport.

"Many bags do look alike."

Isn't that her monogram? VH?

Actually, I think it used to belong to Van HALEN.

Sam, indulge me.

You're telling me this is your suitcase,

so, by extension, would this be your negligee?

All right. The secret's out.

I'm a transvestite, John.

And a size seven?

A guy can dream, can't he?

Sam, you're not a transvestite.

Hey, those are fighting words there, John.

Daddy, you may as well know the truth.

I'm going away with Sam to the cape for the weekend.

I see. Well, since there's nothing I can do about it,

I'll give you my blessing.

Really?

Darling, I have complete faith in you.

If this is the man you want, that's good enough for me.

Wait, I see what you're doing here.

Yeah. You think... you think that

I just wanted to go out with your daughter because you said that I couldn't,

and now that you say it's okay, you're hoping that I won't want to.

Well, that won't work because I really like her.

So forget it. Come on, Valerie.

- Let's go. - Gee, I don't know, Sam.

What, what?

Well, it seemed really exciting when daddy didn't want me to date you,

but now I don't know.

It just seems like I'd be dating some greasy bartender.

Excuse me?

Well, really, you're not exactly my type.

Honey, don't you see what he's doing?

Please, Sam. Let's not prolong this.

The smell of your hair is making me queasy.

Well, Sam, since you've broken the agreement,

it seems that once again I have legal title

to your poolroom and your bathrooms.

I'll be expecting the rent promptly at the first of every month.

Oh, by the way,

I'm doubling the amount.

Have a good evening.

Oh, he's so bad.

I hate him. I hate his whole family.

I hate everybody he's ever talked to.

You know, I may not be able to take his daughter out

and I may have to pay him his stupid rent,

but I can hit him where it hurts.

Yeah, you know something?

This is the busiest time in his restaurant.

Right. Watch this.

Hey, Reuben, get your coat! We're going dancing!