All language subtitles for Cheers.S09E14.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

What's going on there?

Appears to be a male lying
in the street.

Oh, my God, it's Woody!

Excuse us! Excuse us!
Move back, please!

- A doctor coming in.
- Woody, are you all right?

Don't move me! Don't move me!

Don't move him!
Somebody get help!

[Horn honks]

Straighten her out, Sam.

Thanks, Woods.

Hey, Carla, you'll never
believe what I found in the storage closet.

This great old foosball table.

Yeah, I was pretty
excited, too.

This foosball table is evil.
It's cursed.

What are you talking
about?

One day, it mysteriously appeared
in the alley out back.

From the moment we started to play it,

this place turned from
a nice local tavern

into a seething pit of resentment
and back-stabbing.

Oh, so that's how it happened.

I'm telling you,
things got ugly around here.

One time, the ball flew out
and hit Clavin in the eye

for no earthly reason.

It was funny.

But it was spooky.

That's when I realized
that this is an evil foosball table.

Why didn't you get rid of it?

Well, we tried to throw it away.

The trash man who
picked it up, slipped,

and fell backward into traffic.

I'll never forget his last words...

"What the--"

Well, it's not exactly
"The Telltale Heart,"

but, it's a pretty good story.

Gee, Carla. had no idea.

I'll put it right back.

Hey, Cliff ie, check it out.
the foos table.

Too late. It has risen from
its resting place

to feed upon the fat
and middle-aged.

Uh, Sam...

Oh, hey, hon.
How very nice to see you again.

- You're lying, aren't you?
- Yes, I am.

Mr. Hill, I just had lunch
up at your restaurant,

and the risotto with
bay scallops and fennel,

ugh, I think it was the most delicious thing
I've ever had to eat.

- We'll name it for you.
- Thank you.

Hey, come here.
I hate this guy.

What are you kissing
up to him for?

I'm not kissing up, Sam.
I like the food.

Sam, you don't
have to be jealous.

You are a very
handsome businessman,

and you own the hottest spot in town.

Oh, thank you very much.

That's kissing up.

Sam, I think we both know
why I'm here.

I bet you want the number
to my hair stylist, don't you?

I'm sorry. Now, that was cruel.

Sam, as we both know,

I own legal title to your poolroom
and both bathrooms.

Hey, why do you keep repeating that every
time you come down here?

You're driving me
up the wall.

That's why.
Now, where was I?

Oh, yes. As you know,

I own legal title to your poolroom
and both bathrooms,

and rent on said property is past due
since last Wednesday.

I hope you haven't
forgotten me, Sam.

Forgotten you, John?
I could never forget you.

You're in my bad dreams
every night.

You're why I'm in therapy
for the first time in my life.

Well, don't forget
to mention to your therapist

that I own legal title--

All right! All right! All right! All right!

I'll write you your stupid check.

Sam, I'm a little hurt.

If you felt the need to see a therapist,
why didn't you come to me?

Well, you know, I was
looking sort of for a doctor

that, you know, didn't know me so well,

who has, uh,
blonde hair and smoky eyes

and wears miniskirts

and crosses her legs all the time.

Oh. Connie Forsythe. A fine doctor.

Yeah.

She'll straighten you out.

Oh, she did.

Here's my personal check.

You'll notice that I made it out

to John "You Stink" Hill.

Sam, this is not up to your
usual standards.

Now it is.

Man, I can never
get the guy.

I hate him! Just once I would like
to do something

that gets under his skin.

Sam, forget him. He's gone.

No, he's not gone.
There's no escaping the guy.

I mean, I walk down
my own hallway,

and I know that I'm on his turf.

I can't even go to the damn bathroom
without getting mad.

Oh, you, too, Sammy?

You know something?
I'm out of here.

I'm going to go see Dr. Forsythe.
I got to get this out of my system.

Are you going to
talk to her about it?

No, I'm going to get it
out of my system.

Excuse me. Are you Mr. Malone?

Yeah.

Well, there seems to be a problem
with this check.

Oh, what, I just made
a joke-name up. Big deal.

All he has to do is make sure

he endorses it John "I Stink" Hill.

No, Mr. Malone.
You made it out for too much.

You added an extra zero.

Oh. well,
thank you very much.

I'm surprised
someone as nice as you

works for that baldheaded jackass.

Oh, I don't work for him.

I'm the baldheaded
jackass' daughter.

Valerie "You Stink" Hill.

I'm sorry. I never intended

for anyone to see that except John.

And all the people at the bank.

Well, yeah.

I'll write you another check.

Valerie, what are you
doing down here?

I asked you never
to come down here.

I just wanted to get the right amount
on the check.

Well, I was perfectly pleased
with the amount as written.

Besides, I don't
want you associating

with the element that hangs around
in this bar.

Wipe your hands.

Thank you.

Sam. I heard you say
you wanted to get

under Mr. Hill's skin.

- Yeah?
- Well, I got a way,

but I think it's impossible.

You're thinking
that maybe I should date his daughter?

Ha! Great idea.

No, no, no.

If you really want to get
under Mr. Hill's skin,

the best way is
we shrink you down

to microscopic size,

and then we put you
in a syringe

and we inject you
right into his arm.

But I still say it's impossible.

Oh, I love this.
This is a great idea.

Aw, great.

Now I got Sam trying to contradict
the immutable laws of science.

When am I going to learn
to keep my mouth shut?

You know, Sam,
I have to confess

I've never really been out
with a guy like you before.

I'm afraid I don't even
know how to act.

Oh, well, it's really easy.

Shoot me over here a little bit, will you?
There you go.

First off, just, you know,
adjust your outfit a little bit there.

Very good.

Laugh like hell
at everything I say,

and, oh, yeah,
put your hand in my lap.

No, that was not a joke.

Sam, I really feel like
I don't know what to say to you.

Well, it doesn't really
matter, sweetheart. It just--

All you got to do is make sure
you whisper it right here,

right in my neck.
Yeah, there you go. Oh, hi, John!

Boy, I didn't expect
to see you here tonight.

Sam, I see you've
made friends with my daughter.

Oh, yes, we're very good
friends by now, John.

I've discovered
how her eyes dance in the light,

how neat her hair smells,

how soft her skin feels.

Modesty prevents me
from going on.

Fine. I'll send the wine steward over.

Sam, I like what you
said about my eyes,

but you know I'm wearing contacts.

Hmm? Oh, yeah.
I know.

I saw them swimming
around in there earlier.

Here, here.

Hey, John, look at this.

Your daughter and I are sharing
food together.

I hope I'm not interrupting,

but has anybody told you
about the specials for tonight?

Oh, it doesn't
really matter, John.

We're just going to have
a ton of raw oysters

and then dash out of here
all out of breath.

The oysters are delicious.

What the hell kind of father is he?

Here I am, smelling your hair,
talking oysters.

I mean, I could be
the biggest creep in the world.

I could be taking you out
for all the wrong reasons.

Are you, Sam?

No, of course not.

Here. Jump in my lap.
There you go.

Sam, I'm not sure I feel comfortable
sitting in your lap like this.

Hmm? Oh. How's that?

Oh, I like that.

Sam, I wonder if I could speak
with you for a moment.

Well, sure, John.

Will you excuse me
for a minute, Valerie?

Oh, do I have to move?

Usually, but we'll
talk about that later.

Yes, John.

Sam, I was thinking,
if you're considering dessert,

I'd like to recommend
the Grand Marnier soufflé for two.

It's quite elegant.

The only thing is
you have to order it

at least a half an hour ahead.

Oh, please don't take her away
from me, Sam.

She's the only daughter
I've ever had.

Please, Sam. Please.

John, I was just taking her out
to annoy you.

I had no idea it would cause
such genuine pain.

I'll give you
anything you want, Sam.

You want your poolroom
and both bathrooms rent-free?

Fine. Just promise
me you'll never see Valerie again.

Oh, John, what kind
of a guy do you think I am?

How can I go along
with a sleazy arrangement like that?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

I'll give you my parking space
for your Corvette.

Deal.

I'm telling you guys,
it was beautiful.

I now have my poolroom
and my bathrooms rent-free,

but, better yet, I had the guy in tears.
Look at that.

I got some of them
right there on the napkin.

Very nice. Now, what are
you going to do

about the date with the girl?

What? Oh, thank you.

Ooh!

I forgot.

Sam, I finished all the oysters,

and I'm feeling kind of funny.

What do you want to do now?

Actually, Val,
I'm kind of busy here.

A problem's just come up.

Something with the kegs here.
The kegs are leaking.

What?

He's feeding her
a line, stupid.

You don't joke about that kind
of thing, ever.

Maybe when you're through here,
we can go for a drive.

Oh, I don't know.
These kegs are a never-ending problem.

I'm thinking of getting rid of them, actually.

Hey, I don't find this kind of thing funny.
Okay? Maybe it's me.

Well, maybe we can do it
another time.

I don't... I don't think so.

I don't think things
are working out, Valerie.

All right.

Was it something I did?

No, no, no, no, no.

You know, some things work out,
Some things don't.

This is one of those that just
didn't work out.

Okay.

Well... bye.

Bye.

I tell you, man,
this is the best deal I've ever scammed.

I get my poolroom
and my bathrooms rent-free,

and all I had to do is throw
a little fish back I didn't want anyway.

Yeah. There you go, Sammy.

Want to go shoot some stick in
your poolroom?

No, I don't think so.

Well, how would you like
to wash your hands,

Sam, in your bathroom?

No, no.

What do you want,
Sam?

I want that little fish back.

- Carla, give us the ball.
- No.

This is an evil game

and it brings a curse
on anyone who plays it.

I'm just trying to save you guys.

Oh, come on, Carla.
It's just a harmless foosball game.

We're just having fun.

So, look. Here. You drop the ball

so I can tear the heads off these
pasty-faced geeks

and drink their warm red blood.

Did my head
just turn completely around,

or was that just a trick of the light?

I can't believe I traded her
for bathrooms.

Sam, give me a break.

The only reason you're
interested in that girl

is because you can't have her.

It was the same thing with me.

You wanted her,
too, Miss Howe?

Boy, I've been
in this city one month too long.

No, no, Woody. He wanted me
because he couldn't have me.

You know, Sam, if I told you
right now you could have me,

I bet you wouldn't
even be interested.

Maybe, but I'd still perform
because I'm a professional.

So, Sammy, what is it now?
What are you going to do?

- I'm going to see her again.
- Sam,

if you do that,
you may end up having to pay rent again

on the poolroom and on the bathrooms.

Why is that?

Well, if you take an action,

you have to face the consequences.

No, I don't. I'm Sammy.

Where have you been
all these years?

Right. I forgot.
You're Nietzsche's Superman.

Oh, yeah. Is that the one with
the craggy face that looks like granite?

No, no, no.
That's Bizarro Superman.

Wait. Which one was weakened
by red Kryptonite?

Blue superman.

I thought he was black
and he wore the big hats.

No, that's Superfly.

Woody, come over here a minute.

I want you to run a note up
to Valerie for me.

"I'm sorry for everything.
would you please go away

with me this weekend.
I can't stop thinking about you. Sam."

Take it upstairs.

Just make sure her father
doesn't get this, all right?

No sweat, Sam.

Back in Hanover, I was the
official town go-between.

Anytime anybody needed
a love note delivered,

they'd call on Woody Boyd.

It got to where all I had
to do was knock on a door,

and my butt was filled with bird shot.

All right. I got the ball.

Foos 'em if you got 'em. Come on.

- Let's go.

Fools! Nonbelievers!

Can't you see what this
evil machine has done?

Look, you're trapped.

You're spending every minute
of every day in this bar.

We always do that.

Yeah, but now you're
doing it standing up.

Ooh, that is kind of eerie.

Oh, Carla. This machine
does not have a demonic capacity.

Even if it did, what could it do to you?
It's got a tiny little ball

and it's got these little plastic men.

What, do you suppose
that if you stick your hand here

into the goal, it'll bite it off?

See? I'm just
playing on your superstitions.

Hey.

Hey, my hand's caught.

No, no, it's
really caught.

I know. That's why we're laughing.

Oh, good, Woody,
did you deliver the note there?

Uh, yeah.
Well, I couldn't find Miss Hill,

so I waited around a while

and ended up leaving
with Reuben the busboy.

Oh, good.
Thank you, man.

Yeah. He's really
looking forward to the weekend.

He wants to know
what he should wear.

Woody. Woody, didn't you tell Reuben
that the note was for Valerie?

Sam, I didn't have the heart.

He was so happy,
he was walking on air.

Sam, this isn't fair.

It's one thing to string me along,

but our busboy, Reuben,
is in a very vulnerable state.

He just split up
with the pastry chef.

No. Valerie, wait. Valerie, wait.

That note wasn't for Reuben.
That note was for you.

I don't understand.
You just brushed me off.

Oh, no, no. I just had a problem
with the kegs there.

Did that seem like a brush-off to you?
I'm sorry.

See, I wouldn't know.
I've never brushed anyone off before.

Listen, I really like you a lot
and I'd like to see you again.

You know, maybe we
could go up to the cape for a weekend.

What do you say?
I hear it's really nice up there.

I wouldn't know.
I've never been there myself.

What do you say?

Gee, it sounds like fun.

Good. All right. Just make sure
you don't tell your father, all right?

Good idea.

You know, you may not believe this,
but I get the feeling he'd rather I didn't see you.

Oh, well, that's not the problem, really.

It's just that I don't
like to do my romantic stuff in public.

I don't know.
You seemed so forward.

You had me
sitting on your lap and everything.

I'm sorry. That seemed forward?
I wouldn't know,

I've never done anything
like that before.

What's wrong with them?

Oh, uh, well, the blonde
has bad sinuses.

The rest of them
just have bad attitudes!

I feel so stupid.

I can't believe my hand is stuck
in this stupid hole.

Breathe easy, doc.

I brought an expert to help you.

Great.

Okay, Father.
Get out your holy water

and cast Satan
from that foosball machine.

Carla, I didn't come
to perform an exorcism.

I came because you told me

that you had a friend
who was thinking of converting.

Oh, he will, Father.

Go with me on this one, Frase.

But first, we have to exorcise
this foosball table.

Carla, it may surprise you to learn
that since Vatican ll,

the church does not
accept the existence

of satanically possessed
amusement machines.

First you dump Latin, and now this.

What do we pay you guys for,
anyway?

Well, I know exactly what to do.

You relax and
put your faith in me.

You do trust me, don't you?

- Absolutely, Father.
- Good.

My thumb!

Offer the pain up to God
for the poor souls, my son.

What?

I think you just lost one, Father.

Boy, it was hard
sneaking out of there,

but I don't think he saw me.

Good. So you're sure
now your father doesn't know?

Oh, dad stepped out.

I meant Reuben the busboy.
he's still in tears.

I really feel bad about that.
Maybe I should send him something.

Why don't we just get
up to the car here, all right?

Sam, I'd like to freshen up
before we leave.

Oh, well, all right,
I'll meet you up at the car.

- Sam.
- Yeah?

I like the way your
hair smells, too.

Oh. Thank you.

She's really nice,
isn't she, Woody?

Oh, she's really nice...

And sweet
and warm and wonderful.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. Back in Hanover,

me and my brother
used to have a name

for a girl like that.

Yeah, what's that?

Mom.

By the way, Sam,

if I ever catch you anywhere
near my mother,

you better pray that God takes you
before I do.

Oh, Sam. I've written up
a new agreement

stating that since you've agreed to
never see my daughter again,

you now have full use of the poolroom...
That's funny.

That looks just like
my daughter's suitcase.

No, that's mine. You know what they
say at the airport.

"Many bags do look alike."

Isn't that her monogram?
VH?

Actually, I think it used to belong
to Van HALEN.

Sam, indulge me.

You're telling me
this is your suitcase,

so, by extension, would this be
your negligee?

All right. The secret's out.

I'm a transvestite, John.

And a size seven?

A guy can dream, can't he?

Sam, you're not a transvestite.

Hey, those are fighting words
there, John.

Daddy, you may as well
know the truth.

I'm going away with Sam
to the cape for the weekend.

I see. Well, since there's nothing
I can do about it,

I'll give you my blessing.

Really?

Darling, I have complete faith in you.

If this is the man you want,
that's good enough for me.

Wait, I see what
you're doing here.

Yeah. You think...
you think that

I just wanted to go out with your daughter
because you said that I couldn't,

and now that you say it's okay,
you're hoping that I won't want to.

Well, that won't work
because I really like her.

So forget it. Come on, Valerie.

- Let's go.
- Gee, I don't know, Sam.

What, what?

Well, it seemed really exciting
when daddy didn't want me to date you,

but now I don't know.

It just seems like I'd be dating
some greasy bartender.

Excuse me?

Well, really,
you're not exactly my type.

Honey, don't you see what he's doing?

Please, Sam. Let's not prolong this.

The smell of your hair
is making me queasy.

Well, Sam, since you've
broken the agreement,

it seems that once again I have legal title

to your poolroom and your bathrooms.

I'll be expecting the rent promptly at
the first of every month.

Oh, by the way,

I'm doubling the amount.

Have a good evening.

Oh, he's so bad.

I hate him.
I hate his whole family.

I hate everybody he's ever talked to.

You know, I may not be able
to take his daughter out

and I may have to pay him
his stupid rent,

but I can hit him where it hurts.

Yeah, you know something?

This is the busiest time in his restaurant.

Right. Watch this.

Hey, Reuben, get your coat!
We're going dancing!