All language subtitles for Cheers.S09E11.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Oh, here's Sam.

Oh, come on, Sammy, Sammy.
Open up. It's freezing.

Hey, what are you guys
standing around for?

How come somebody
didn't let you in?

- I left my keys home.
- Oh, no. I was counting on yours.

I left mine in the office.
Hurry up. it's cold.

- Well, how are we gonna get in here?
- Morning, everybody.

Norm!

Sorry I'm late.

Sorry I took so long
getting here this morning.

Sam, you know, this is the fourth time
this week that you've been late.

As a responsible businessman
and the owner of this bar,

You owe it to yourself to stick to
a more responsible schedule, you know.

Absolutely. if the post office
ran its business the way you run yours...

Never mind.

I have a good excuse this time

I'm being treated
by a dermatologist

- Anything serious?
- No, no, no.

I just told her that I had
a patch of dry skin

and we stayed up all
night looking for it.

Found it, too!
Four times.

Sammy, can we stick to
the topic at hand, please?

Yeah Sam, I don't mean
to make any threats here

but Gary's Old Town Tavern
already opens a half hour before you do.

And how do we
know that, Norm?

Hey, who's on trial here, huh?

Hey, everybody.

- Hey, Woody.
- You won't believe this.

I just found out that on cable TV,

they have this channel where
they show you stuff and you can buy it

any hour of the day,
any day of the week.

How did we live before?

Yeah. The Home Shopping Channel.
Ma loves it.

She's always watching it.
She's always saying,

"if I had a rich son, he'd buy me this."
"if I had a rich son, he'd buy me that."

Who do you think bought her
the TV in the first place?

- You, Cliff ie?
- No.

But if I find the guy, I'm gonna shove
that clicker down his throat.

Look at this.
I already got my first package.

Yeah?

It's a toy car,

and it also rewinds videotapes.

Now, wouldn't a VCR
rewind tapes?

Not the one
I bought last night.

Excuse me.
Carla, did you read my last memo?

No.

Well, if you had read it,
you would know that we are no longer

accepting time cards
made out in pencil.

From now on, all paperwork
must be done in ink.

Okay.

Did you hear me?

Are you
acknowledging my memo?

I heard you.
I acknowledge the damn memo.

Now would you get out of my face
so I can finish this time card?

I mean, this isn't easy,
you know.

My pencil's
almost down to the nub.

Well, as long as you're
aware of the problem.

All right.

That's something, huh, Norm?
remember the good old days?

When you used to be able
to take an argument

like that between two gals

and turn them into
the Jets and the Sharks?

Tell you what, Cliff ie.

For you, I got to
tee it up one more time.

- All right.
- Watch this.

Rebecca...

I noticed your little exchange
with Carla over there,

And I have to say,
I admire your management technique.

Thank you
very much, Norm.

It takes a lot of courage, you know,
to humiliate yourself

just for the well-being
of one employee.

If you were a Japanese businessman,
I mean, to lose face like that,

You'd probably have to commit
some sort of ritual suicide, you know?

But here in America--

Carla, come in my office.

Bring that time card and a pen.

I better begetting a raise.

Oh, the Master returns

from his triumphal march
through the Valley of Evil.

I got a raise.

Frasier, darling.
Today is our monthly luncheon

with the Psychoanalytic and Social
Therapeutic Practitioners Society.

Have you forgotten?

Well, let me finish this double,
and I might.

Now, Doctor.

Well, Lilith, I really can't stand
another dry, endless luncheon

in some stuffy old restaurant.

Pretty boring, huh, Frase?

Well, let me put it this way, Sam.

Lilith is the Dorothy Parker

of this particular round table.

Come on, Frasier, let's go.

All right, but I won't enjoy it.

Hey, Norm, go ahead,
make them fight.

No, you do it.
Come on.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Hey, Frase! You think Carla
should be filling out the time card

With a pen or a pencil?

I can see why you can't
tear yourself away from this place.

All right. All right.
So I'm not you.

Cliff ie, come on now.
Buck up, buddy.

You're just warming up here.

You got to start out
with an easy one first, huh?

Yeah. Look. There's Paul.

- Hey, Paul--
- Shut up, fathead.

Hey, guys.

Look what I just got
on the shopping channel.

Now, there's only about 2,000
of these little babies left,

So... a word to the wise.

Well?

That's...

That's beautiful,
Woody.

That's a beautiful cow.

Yeah.

I'll say. And that's not
the best part of it.

It's also a great clock.

It's noo-oon.

What, um,

What happens if it's 7:00?

Well, a cow's
powers of speech

are kind of limited, you know.

Everything kind of
sounds like "noo-oon."

How do you ever know
what time it is?

Well, it helps
to wear a watch.

I think it's, um...

I think it's nice,
Woody.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It's yours.

Oh, no, Woody.

I--I--I real--I couldn't.
Miss Howe,

I've been to your apartment.
Take the cow.

I know you fellows favor
a more formal atmosphere,

but allow me to charm you
with the quaint hospitality

of my friendly
neighborhood tavern.

Excuse me, Frasier.
I have to go check my messages.

You got one
from Madame Tussaud.

Get back
to the museum.

Champagne
for everyone, Sam.

Oh.

I'm trying to convince
my esteemed colleagues

to move
their monthly meetings

to your
fine establishment.

Oh, hey, thanks.
That's great.

My gold card

should keep the, um...
the bubbly flowing.

- Cliff ie, the Master has a thought.
- Yes?

One might wonder
what would happen

if we called a certain
credit card company

and reported
that number as stolen.

Then when
a certain bartender

tried to put it through
for a certain customer

and it wasn't honored,

what do you suppose
would happen?

I don't know.

Major fireworks.

Oh, you're a genius.

Why do you
put up with me?

I don't know.

Frasier,
I have to leave.

There's been
an emergency.

- Is it Frederick?
- No, no.

Otto my lab assistant
has gotten into

the synthetic
hormones again.

I have to bail him out.

Or her. I won't know
until I get there.

Oh, no.

Miss Howe, look what I found
in the trash.

It's your cow.

Oh, dear, how could that
have gotten in there?

Sam?

You told me
to throw it away.

So, the paranoid says...

"Help! Help!
They're all out to get me."

I guess you had
to be in the session.

Dr. Crane, can I speak to you
for a minute?

Oh, of course, Sam.

Got a little problem here.

I called to get approval
on your credit card here,

and they told me it was stolen.

Well, that's utterly ludicrous, Sam.

Well, yeah, that's what I told them,

but they insisted
that it's stolen.

Yes, I knocked myself over the head
and stole my own credit card.

That's brilliant, Sam.
Who would ever suspect me?

I'm not kidding here.

You know, they're very serious
about their rules.

They tell me that I have to cut this up.

But you wouldn't, Sam.

I don't want to, no.

Tell you what, um...
why don't I run a tab, huh?

Well, I don't need a tab.
That's a perfectly good card.

Well, why don't I just--
this is on the house, all right?

Oh, fine. now you're
adding insult to injury.

Well, I don't take charity!
Just give me back my card!

I can't give you back
the card, Frasier.

I got to cut it up
and send the pieces back to the company.

You do not have
to do that.

Yes, I do.

They spent a half an hour
on just that fact

at the seminar at the Sheraton.

Sam, I am telling you,
you do not have to do that!

You weren't at the seminar.
If I don't do this,

they're gonna take
my little card thingy away.

Sam, I am not asking you.
I am telling you. Give me back my card!

- Don't take that tone of voice with me.
- Excuse me. Can I help?

- I have a card that works.
- Oh, shut up, you Skinnerian baboon!

Sam! Do not touch those scissors
to that card!

I got to do it,
Frasier.

- You do not!
- Yes, I--

Ohh! Ohh!

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what.
Here, take my credit card.

Oh, fine.

With your
$90 credit limit

I can go hog-wild
at monkey ward's.

You have made me
look the fool!

I think you've taken care of that
all by yourself, Frasier!

Oh, so it's come
to this, has it?

After years
of friendship,

you proudly pour
a tall cup of humiliation.

Well, I've had enough, thank you.

This is good-bye.

You have seen and heard
the last of Frasier Crane.

From this moment forward, I am never
stepping foot in this bar again.

I close the iron door
upon you!

What do we do now,
oh, Master?

Shut up, and stop
calling me Master.

Anyone hear from Frasier
since yesterday?

He'll be back.
Don't worry about it.

I don't know.
He left here pretty angry.

I mean, I keep calling the house,
and the machine keeps picking up.

Oh, Lilith answers?

He's blowing off steam.
He'll be back.

I hope so.

Well, ahem.
I guess we really messed up, huh?

Learned our lesson,
Cliff.

We got to stop messing
with people's minds.

Yeah, I agree.

By the way,
your fly's open, buddy.

Yeah. So's yours.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You can't expect a guy
to go cold turkey, you know? Ha ha!

You checked, didn't you?

Oh yeah, like you weren't looking
through the bottom of that beer mug!

Miss Howe?

Last night the shopping channel

was a consumer bonanza,

and I took advantage of it.

Their loss is your gain.

First, I got you

a genuine gold-look bracelet
with 200 real sapphires.

Oh, Woody, first of all,
you have to stop buying me gifts.

And second of all, you have to learn
that sapphires are blue.

Okay, but you can't say "no"
to a new and improved snack master

and a portable
solar-powered telephone.

Woody, I cannot accept these.

People are going
to get the wrong idea.

What, that I have
a crush on you?

No. That I like crap.

What, you're calling
this stuff "crap"?

I'm sorry, Woody.

No, no,
I was looking for the right word.

Well, if you don't like it, either,

why do you keep
buying this stuff?

Not "stuff," Miss Howe.
"Crap."

I buy it because
it looks good on TV.

The second they flash
that 800 number, I'm dialing.

Woody, this has got to stop.

Well, it has stopped, Miss Howe.

I went over my credit limit
with this... crap.

Unless, of course,
you'd care to advance me

Six months
on my paycheck.

Could be another necklace
in it for you.

And if you decide
not to give me the advance,

just keep the necklace
as your free gift.

Woody...

You are hooked.
Listen to me. You need help.

I don't need help!
I just need more credit!

You're right, Miss Howe.

I do need help.

I'm scared.

Help me.

Hurry.

Act now.

Well, I just got
in touch with Frasier.

Oh, yeah?
What did he say?

Oh, he said that he considers
these phone calls a harassment.

If I don't cease and desist,
he's going to get a court order

restraining me from coming
within 50 feet of him.

Restraining order.

Last resort of shrinks
and housewives in nightgowns.

Come on, Cliff ie.

We got to stop this
before it gets any further.

We got to go to Frasier,
tell him exactly what happened.

Accept all blame,
and the sooner the better.

- Yeah, you're right.
- Wait a minute.

- What?
- I just thought of something.

- What's that?
- If we wait, like, a couple of hours,

it'll be dinnertime.
Might be able to snag a free meal.

You are the master,
oh, salaam.

Now, this is lovely.

The baby's with my mother,
and there's nothing

to disturb our peaceful Eden.

You're right, darling.
Nothing.

Except for the burned-in
image of Sam,

cutting my gold card into pieces
before my very eyes.

You know Frasier,
after listening to you

complain about that for
the umpteenth time

it's becoming impossible
for me to sympathize.

Of course not.

Sympathy is a human emotion.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
I'm just lashing out.

Got off a good one, though.

Frasier, you've got to stop
this cycle of negativity.

Come. let's try some
positive imagery.

You're back in Maui.

Feel the trade winds
caressing your cheeks,

ruffling your hair.

Smell the plumeria.

Taste the mal tai.

Feel the gentle
swaying...

Swaying...

Of the ancient
palms.

The rhythm,

the rhythm,

the rhythm.

Are you there?

Yes, I'm there.

I'm in paradise,

and I'm paying for
the whole shebang

with my gold card...

Which was gladly accepted
and returned in one piece

by a man
in a flowered sarong!

Frasier, get a grip.

Oh, you're right.
You're right.

You know, Sam's done me
a favor, actually.

Instead of spending
the night there

in his sleazy saloon,

I'm--I'm at home
here with my love.

I'm going
to serenade you.

Why, Frasier, you haven't
done that since...

Have you ever done that?

Well, I'm doing it now.

Remember this one, darling?

How could I forget?

-Autumn in New York...
- Moonlight in Vermont...

You sing it.

Autumn in New York

What makes it seem so exciting?

Autumn in New York

It spells the thrill
of first nighting

It was a lovely honeymoon,
wasn't it?

I bought this piano
with my gold card.

I mean, yes, dear.

I'll get it.

- Hi, Lilith.
- Cliff, Norm.

Frasier, it's Cliff and Norm.

Well, good night,
gentlemen.

I've suddenly developed
a splitting migraine.

Norm, Cliff,
what a pleasure to see

my boon companions here in my home.
Come in, come in.

Yeah, well, Frase,
look we don't want

to interrupt your dinner
or anything like that.

Oh, no.
We finished hours ago.

Yeah, nice shortcut,
Cliff.

I see that you
left the butcher

of all things plastic
back in the bar

To come visit old Frasier.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Frase, uh...

Just out of curiosity,
what did you have for dinner?

Let me guess.
Let me...

Ah! Porterhouse steak
smothered with mushrooms,

green beans
with sliced almonds,

some apple brown
Betty and...

...decaf cappuccino.

Well, actually, we had
Chinese brought in.

I guess it must be in my coat.

Look here. Come.
Come and sit down.

You know,
I can't tell you how special this is.

We never seem to get together
outside of that infernal bar.

- Never get together just as pals.
- Yeah, whatever.

Frase, you don't have
any Chinese left, do you?

- No, sorry.
- Norm, Norm.

We've come here to talk about
a topic a lot more important than food.

Found an almond cookie!

If you're here to try to patch up
my relationship

- with Mr. Malone, just forget it.
- Give me half, will ya, Cliff?

I tell you, I have seen the last

of that ex-jock
in a pompadour.

Frasier, you got to let us
explain what happened here.

Frase, um, you see...

Sometimes guys...

Do things, you know,
which they think

Seem like...
a good idea at the time,

but they're really
not such a good idea.

I guess what I'm trying to say is--

That Sam wants me
to come back to Cheers

so that he can get
down on his knees

and apologize to me in public
and in person?

Yeah, that's even better.

- Great. Come on, let's go.
- All right.

Sammy, don't drop down on your knees
to beg for forgiveness

till he's all the way through the door,

but look who's here.

- Hey! You brought Frasier back.
- Yeah.

See now, if we can just get them
to erase

everything from their memories
from the last 36 hours,

we're home free.

I'm waiting, Sam.

Waiting for what?

Sammy, don't torture your friend.

Frasier just swallowed his pride
to come back in here

so get down on your knees
and beg him to forgive you,

and then we can
start celebrating.

Yeah.
I'm sorry.

- Oh, thanks, Sam.
- That's what we like to see.

Yeah, I bet you
nobody even remembers

what started this silly argument
in the first place.

I do. Sam cut up his gold card.

That was funny.

Woody, come on.
We're--you know, I apologized for that.

We're beyond that
right now.

Is that it?

That is the sum total
of your contrition?

I mean, I know you're not
Walt Whitman, Sam, but I mean, really.

A couple of more "uhs' and 'you knows"
to at least lend it a little credibility.

Well, you didn't let me finish, Frasier.
I was going to say

that I'm sorry that you were
such a big jerk yesterday

and that you're
such a big baby today!

Well, that tears it!

When I walk out this time,
believe me when I tell you

that I will never
brighten this door again!

Wait, wait, wait.
Frasier, Frasier, wait a minute.

Before this thing gets any further,
come on now.

Sit down, relax.
I think it's time

that both of you guys
understand the truth.

Cliff ie?

Well, Frase, see,
yesterday Normie and I,

we were feeling a little frisky
and as sort of a gag,

we made a phone call
and reported your credit card stolen.

My God, Cliff, that is fraud!

You think you know a guy, Sam!

Damn it, Norm.
Come on.

All right, all right,
all right.

I may have been in the vicinity
during that phone call.

I think I might have actually
dialed the number.

So it's your fault.

Sam, I owe you an apology.

- No, no.
- I had no idea.

Boy, you guys are really
stirring it up, aren't you?

Okay, fellas, give me
your credit cards right now.

- What?
- Come on.

Give me
your credit cards.

You can't cut them up.

I'm not going
to cut them up.

Don't cut them up, Sam.

Woody, you're back in business.
Shop away there.

- Oh, no!
- All right!

Get the scissors
and cut them right now!