Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

- Hey Woody. - Hey.

Hey, Woodster.

How's that first night in your new apartment?

Great Mr. Peterson. It's the nicest place I've ever stayed at.

And that includes the night in Hanover

I got locked in the storeroom of the Piggly Wiggly.

It was cold and lonely, but the food...

Anyway, it's no Piggly Wiggly, but it's got cable.

Is it furnished?

Well, no, but it's got this cable

that comes right out of the wall, fits right into the TV.

I hope it's in a safer neighborhood than that last dive you were in.

Well, no. actually, it's a little worse,

but it's got cable.

If it's unfurnished, you must be getting a break on the rent, huh?

Well, no. It's actually a little more,

but you gotta expect that with cable.

Well, whatever. I think cable's great.

They had RoboCop on last night.

Did you catch that?

No. The cable was out last night.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

What can I do for you, Norm?

Open up those beer taps and take the day off, Sam.

Here you go, Sammy.

Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah, fellas, fellas.

- Check them out. - New napkins, huh?

New napkins.

What is this?

Look, there's some kind of brainteaser on them.

Yep. You're out of luck.

No, no. These are not brainteasers... These are trivia napkins.

Ever since I got the bar back,

I've been looking for ways to say, "Hey,"

thank you for patronizing me."

Oh, Sam. I know you wanted to use a great, big word there.

I think that's marvelous, but I believe what you meant to say was,

"Thank you for your patronage."

Really? What's the difference?

Patronage means customers.

Patronizing is the way one would talk to a small, dull child.

Kind of like how you're talking to me right now?

Aren't you cute?

Okay, all right, here's one.

"What is the oldest state capital in the country?"

For crying out loud, Norm,

I told you that weeks ago.

Don't wreck it for the rest of us, then, okay?

Providence, Rhode island.

Boston?

Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Isn't that fascinating?

Good old Santa Fe.

Ancient capital of the Conquistadors,

- Founded 1609. - Hey, here's one.

"What civilization was the first known to brew beer?"

- Early Greece? - Ancient Rome.

Old Milwaukee.

- Ancient Egypt. - Get out.

I never knew that trivia could be so fascinating.

Hold the phone here.

I gave you that fact months ago.

- You said you weren't interested then. - Well, you know, Cliff ie,

It's different with the napkins.

What's so different?

Well, napkins don't spit when they talk.

Oh, relax, Woody. You poor thing. You have to stop worrying.

You're going to do just fine.

You're going to do a great job. Don't you think, Carla?

I think he's going to bomb.

At what?

Beats me, but I think I'm on pretty safe ground.

I know it's just a small part in a commercial, but

I don't know if I have the skill, or the technique to pull it off.

What do you play, Wood?

A bartender.

Woody, you are a bartender.

Yeah, well, but in this commercial, I have to serve drinks.

Woody, you serve drinks all the time.

Yeah, but in this commercial, I have to talk and serve drinks.

You talk and serve drinks right here every day.

Great, Sam. Now you've made me

nervous about working here, too.

Woody, perhaps it would help you

to rehearse your lines with us.

I only have one.

"I like it."

That's a very nice line, Woody.

- Patronizing, right? - Now you're getting it.

I was kind of surprised when I got the part.

They said they wanted someone with a fresh face.

I don't know why they chose me.

Hey, you're perfect.

Maybe when I just hopped off the bus from Hanover,

but I've been in Boston for five years.

It changes a guy.

Hardens him, gives him a cynical edge.

Come on. You're still fresh.

Jeepers, you think?

Trust me.

Sam, would you come on down to the shoot with me

and keep telling me that?

Well, sure, Woody, yeah. Why not?

Hey, Wood, can I go?

Come on. I never saw a commercial be shot or anything like that.

Yeah, me neither. Believe it or not,

that's one of the few things I don't know much about.

If you guys all come down there with me,

it's going to look like I'm some big, snobby star with an entourage.

All right, well, actually, we'll just stay here.

- You tell us about it later. - No, no. I like the idea.

You guys can be my people.

I got another idea.

We'll all stop at the mall,

We'll pick up satin jackets and matching sunglasses.

The door's not just going to open itself.

So, Jill, it's great to meet such a talented actress.

Is there anything I can look forward to seeing you in,

like my shower?

You're really funny, Sam. Did you ever think of doing stand-up?

Well, there's always a first time for everything, I guess.

This is spectacular.

Yeah. the magic of the movies, huh, Normie?

No, the magic of the doughnut table.

Look at this. You got your glazed,

you got your chocolate, you got your buttermilk.

Hey, who sucked all the filling out of this Bavarian cream?

Got something to write on here? She just gave me her number.

Yeah, yeah. I got one of these trivia napkins.

Hey, my trivia napkins.

I've been carrying it around.

It's kind of a conversation starter.

Go ahead. Ask me the questions.

You guys and your precious trivia napkins.

If you love them so much, why don't you marry them?

Come on, man, lighten up, will you?

By the way, Normie,

I'm the one who sucked all the filling

out of the Bavarian cream!

Guys, I'm ready. How do I look?

All right. You look great.

You've got, like, junk all over your face.

Oh, pancake.

Whoa, is there a steam table around here I'm missing?

No, no. Pancake is the make-up they use in show business.

It's real thick and real heavy and it covers every flaw.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Vera uses that for primer.

Talent on the set, please.

That's me. I got to go.

Oh, hey, so this is Veggie-Boy.

No, no, don't drink that.

We sprayed it with high-gloss latex so it'll look better under the lights.

We do it with all the food we're shooting.

Hey, there's supposed to be a bowl of beer nuts around here.

Sammy, you got to get these kind of nuts for the bar.

They slide right down. It's great.

Woody, this is your close-up.

Jill is going to feed you your cue.

Just look right in the camera and say, "I like it."

I like it.

Not now, Woody.

No, I mean, I like your direction.

It's very forceful, very to the point.

Let's go.

Veggie-Boy bartender close-up, take one.

Rolling.

And... action.

So, how is this new drink Veggie-Boy?

I--

Cut!

Mr. Peterson made a goofy face.

I did not. It's my normal expression.

Stop it!

Woody, could we have your friend wait out in the hallway?

- I didn't do anything. - Quit looking so goofy.

- Take two. - If you insist.

Action.

So, how is this new drink Veggie-Boy?

I'm sorry. I'll go join my goofy friend.

What?

Oh, here you go.

Once again. Action.

So, how is this new drink Veggie-Boy?

I like it.

Cut! Print! That's it! Great!

Let's get out of here.

Thanks for not being funny, Mr. Clavin.

Woody, when is the commercial going to be on?

I've seen this Quincy five times.

It's coming right up, Carla. Next break.

Some coroner.

Every week he has to dig up the body

to find something he missed the first time.

Oh, what a surprise!

He found a bullet in the skull.

Quiet, everybody! It's on.

All right, turn it up, Miss Howe.

New Veggie-Boy.

Available in regular and chunky.

So, how is this new drink Veggie-Boy?

I like it.

Hey, hey!

Wonderful performance, Woody.

Woody, we always knew you had it in you to be a corporate shill.

Yeah. Thanks, Dr. Crane.

Thanks, all of you, for throwing me this great party.

But it isn't over yet, Woody.

I took the liberty

of ordering 23 cases of Veggie-Boy.

We're the first ones in town to have it,

And, Woody, first taste goes to you.

Wow!

My first Veggie-Boy.

- Hey! - Yay! All right!

Veggie-Boy is chock-full of all the vegetables...

Oh, it's disgusting!

Woody, shh, shh!

Look, you're on channel seven.

I like it.

I don't like it. I hate it!

- I like it. - Shut up, Woody!

- I like it. - You hate it!

You're a liar! A filthy, rotten liar!

I like it. I like it. I like it.

Somebody make him stop!

I like it. I like it. I like it.

I can't believe I was just on 14 channels saying I like this stuff

when I really hate it.

That's 15 channels, Woody.

Everybody always forgets Lifetime.

Woody, wait a minute now.

It can't be that bad, here.

Let's take a look at the ingredients.

Water, broccoli, cauliflower, and kale.

Well, maybe it just sounds bad in black and white.

Kale was not a good idea.

Oh, Woody, Woody, shoot, I just forgot here.

This came for you. It looks like

something from the commercial company. Probably a paycheck.

I can't cash that. I can't even open it.

That'd be like paying me for lying.

My mother always told me that lying

is the worst of the seven deadly sins.

Wait, wait. Lying is

one of the seven deadly sins?

Yeah. 'course it is. You got lust, greed, bashful...

That's the seven deadly dwarfs.

Woody, hold on a second.

Listen, sometimes lying can be good.

I remember when I was playing for the Sox.

One day there was a rumor going around

that a backup catcher was about to be cut.

Everybody knew about it except him.

We found out on the exact day that it was his birthday.

He came up to me and he said, "Sam, is it true?

Am I going to be cut from the team?"

I looked him right in the eye

And I said, "No. Happy birthday."

And that guy went off and had the best birthday of his life.

And as it turns out, the next day, he wasn't even cut.

So it's better that you lied to him.

Wow.

That's a great story, Sam.

You've given me a lot to think about. Thanks.

Sam... Is that stuff really true?

Well, most of it. Yeah.

I wasn't the catcher,

it was me,

and I was cut,

and the fellas didn't have any problem telling me about it.

But it was my birthday.

Happy birthday, liar.

Where's Woody?

He's in the poolroom, hating himself for lying.

Oh. I thought he'd gotten over that.

Yeah, well, he's trying, but somebody keeps reminding him

every five minutes.

Hey, Pinocchio!

It's 5:00. Do you know where your commercial's playing?

Carla, that's just a little bit sadistic, isn't it?

Yeah, but I like Woody.

Boy, he's really taking it hard.

Yeah, poor kid.

I really feel sorry for him.

Hey, what do you say we pass the time

with one of these trivia napkins here?

Oh, so you're finally starting to enjoy these jobbies, huh?

Eh, I was acting like a big baby there, Sam.

I know you guys like me a lot more than some cheap stack of paper.

Yeah, whatever.

This is the most boring napkin we've come across.

What's the question?

Who can tell? It looks as though it was homemade,

it's like some moron typed it

on some old manual typewriter.

How odd. Read the question.

This is not a napkin. It's a cry for help.

All right.

So I forged the napkin. Can you blame me?

I've been sitting here for the better part of the eighties

trying to enliven the discussion and broaden a few horizons

with the benefit of my special brand of arcane knowledge,

and then these stupid napkins come waltzing in,

and then I'm out.

Well, I've had it.

It's time to make a choice, fellas.

Me... or the napkins?

Or both. Maybe we can alternate.

A round of drinks for my friends here.

Yeah!

I'd like to see a napkin do that, huh?

Excuse me. Can I get some service?

- I'm sorry. What can I get you? - What do you recommend?

What's the difference? You wouldn't believe me anyway.

I'm just an incorrigible liar

pumping a handcart to hell.

Woody, why are you torturing yourself like this?

Because I deserve it.

I lied to America.

I lied to that all-important 18- to 35-year-old target group.

Woody, you only feel that you're a liar

because you endorsed a product you don't like.

What if you could actually learn to like it?

How am I going to learn to like broccoli, cauliflower, and kale?

Well, Wood, some things you have to sort of develop a taste for slowly.

All right, look, give me a beer, okay?

Now, we'll put a stalk of broccoli in that beer, okay?

You drink the beer and the beer taste

is going to kill the taste of the broccoli, but slowly, you'll get used to it, okay?

We don't have any broccoli.

Well, thanks for the beer.

You know, Woody,

the way Ma got me used to a new vegetable,

like, say, brussels sprouts,

she used to put a few in each of my pockets

and have me walk around with them all day.

Well, thanks, Mr. Clavin,

but brussels sprouts aren't the problem.

You should try it anyway. It's a nice feeling.

Woody.

Woody, you know, Sigmund Freud

might suggest that your aversion to vegetables

stems from some early childhood trauma.

Pffft.

You sputtered, my darling?

Honestly, Frasier.

You must be the last psychiatrist on Earth

Who hasn't abandoned Sigmund Freud's theories.

What are you saying?

Merely that his theories are outdated, sexist superstitions

unsupported by a shred of clinical evidence.

You're drunk.

My wife is completely smashed, blotto.

Sam, no more boilermakers for Dr. Sternin-Crane.

Frasier, I've had nothing to drink.

Ah, the worst kind of drunk.

For your information,

Sigmund Freud has a lot to teach us about Woody's problem.

I dare say that if the Master were with us today,

he would, after striking Lilith,

tell us that Woody is suffering from a subconscious barrier,

easily removed by some elemental Freudian analysis.

Isn't there anything faster?

Oh, many things, but nothing quite as lucrative.

But, if you wish instant relief,

I suppose we could try a little...

Well, post-hypnotic suggestion.

Pffft.

Another wet objection, my love?

Hypnosis, Frasier?

Why only go back a century for your treatment?

Why not bleed him with leeches

or drill a hole in his cranium

and let the evil spirits leak out?

Ignore her, Woody. It's the gin talking.

Or maybe the reason he doesn't like vegetables

is because they remind him of his mother.

Oohhh.

Hey, hypnosis, huh?

That's cool, Doc.

Sam, hypnosis is not a parlor game,

although last week at a party, I did get quite a few laughs

by hypnotizing Lilith into removing her shoes

whenever anyone mentioned brie cheese.

Frasier, you did no such thing.

Very funny.

I don't know if hypnotism will work on me, Dr. Crane.

I'm pretty strong-willed.

Then what's she? Brie cheese?

Stop that.

Woody, let's go into the office and watch that watch.

Oh, for God's sake, Frasier,

First you espouse Sigmund Freud, now you've moved on to Dr. Mesmer.

This is not professional conduct.

Point taken, my darling.

By the way, is that a tambourine behind you?

A tambourine?

What an odd question.

You are in such trouble, Mister.

You know, I was thinking.

What is kale anyway?

It's some kind of a lettuce thing

they use in salad bars, isn't it?

- Oh. - No, kale is not a green per se

but more of a family of greens.

See, anything with a pungent aroma and a loose head

can properly be called "kale."

Get you another beer, kale?

Boy, I feel like I've been asleep for 100 years.

Did it work?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Sam, set us up.

Yeah, I think I got a couple left here.

All right.

Now, watch, Lilith,

and all the rest of you naysayers.

So, how is this new drink Veggie-Boy?

I like it.

Yeah, right.

No, I really like it. I love it.

Boy, you know, I'm not a liar anymore.

- All right. - Hey, hey.

Oh, you can really taste the kale.

You know what this means?

Now that I'm not a liar anymore,

I can take that envelope

and I can cash that check at the bank,

and I can just spend it all on Veggie-Boy.

Whoo! Hey, you really did a number on him.

- Look at him go there. - Woody's highly suggestible.

I had the mission accomplished in five minutes.

You had him under for two hours.

What were you doing the rest of the time?

Just snooping.

We'll-- we'll talk later.

I don't understand this.

It's not a check. It's a letter from the ad agency.

What's it say?

It says that due to lack of consumer interest,

they're discontinuing the product. What does that mean?

I think it means they're not going to make Veggie-Boy anymore.

I guess nobody liked it.

How could they not like it?

It's broccoli, cauliflower, and kale.

- Has America gone mad? - Wood, it's not that great, okay?

Shut up, Mr. Peterson. Don't talk bad about Veggie-Boy.

Nice work, Dr. Frankenstein.

If they're going to stop making it, how am I going to get it?

I need my veggie-boy.

This is all there is?

This isn't even going to last me through the night.

Woody, let's go back in the office.

I know, I know. I can take this

to a lab and have it analyzed.

I can make my own.

You know, I got a blender. I'll move back to Indiana.

- I'll grow kale. - Woody, watch the watch.

Get that watch out of my face, old man. I got crops to plant.

Woody, you need my help!

I don't need your help. All I need's three tons of topsoil

and a big yellow tractor.

Tractor.

The Sun'll come out

Tomorrow...

Lilith, lower your damn skirt and watch the watch!