Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Lilith, boy, am I happy to see you.

And I as ever you.

I was cleaning out my garage,

and I was going to toss a whole bunch of old toys into the dumpster.

And then I thought, "Oh, heck, maybe the Crane kid would like them."

Oh, goody, war toys.

Yeah.

Get a load of these, huh?

Ah, little tin Confederate soldiers

so my child can have the fun

of reliving the carnage and agony of the Civil War.

You bet. My Gino once did a battle of Gettysburg

using these and a can of tomato bisque soup.

Oh, here's a cute little dolly.

Yeah. if you run her along the bar,

she screams, and sparks fly out of her eyes.

Carla, these toys are inappropriate.

I fear that a child who spent his time playing with them

would be in grave danger of developing severe personality disorders,

possibly bordering on the psychotic.

Wow! Sparkhead!

I used to love this when I was a kid.

Hey, guess who Sid and Gladys ran into the other day?

Hank and Marilyn.

Through the windshield--aah!

Aah! Skidding on the pavement!

See? Do I want my son to grow up like that?

- Thanks for dropping me off, honey. - Oh, sure.

Oh, I tell you guys. Man... whoo!

Martha's Vineyard is the sweetest place on Earth.

- Bye, Sam. - Bye, Martha.

Let me buy you guys a round here, huh?

You are in a good mood.

Well, why not? I woke up on the right side of her bed.

You dog!

I know something that will make you feel even better.

Yeah? What's that?

Guess who's taking over Melville's today.

Me? Wow!

John Allen Hill,

Manhattan's foremost restaurateur.

And guess who made it all happen?

Me? Wow!

No, me. I was talking to Robin's--

Wait, wait, wait. Does this story have anything to do with me?

- Yes. - Wow!

Go on, go on, go on.

When Mr. Hill makes Melville's

the toast of Boston's night life,

our little bar will ride right along with it.

And all because of me.

Wow!

Guys, check this out.

Kelly sent me pictures of herself all the way from Paris.

Wow.

- This one's a cutie. - Ooh, yeah.

That's her on her bed in the convent.

Looking rather fetching in an oversized T-shirt

reading, 'Je suis avec stupide."

Oh, ho ho.

Ooh-la-la.

So who do you suppose took those snapshots, Wood?

Probably her roommate, Cindy Ann.

I don't know, Woody.

There's a thumb in this picture.

Either it's a man's thumb or little Cindy Ann could use

a big bottle of Nair for Christmas.

I can't believe it.

This is a man's thumb.

She's having some hairy French guy

take sexy pictures of her.

All right, well, two can play at this game.

I'm going to have some hairy French guy take pictures of me.

I'm John Hill, your new upstairs neighbor.

- Oh, hi. - And you must be Sam Malone.

Yeah. How'd you know?

My hatcheck girl described your hair.

She didn't do it justice.

Ah. Well, it's kind of a hobby.

The joy it must bring you.

Well, Mr. Malone, since we're going to be neighbors,

I brought a little gift for your tavern.

Oh, look at that. Hey. All right.

It's a welcome mat with a duck on it. Look at that.

Well, we've never really used a doormat before.

Not counting Clavin.

Do you think this kind of thing

goes in a sports bar?

Back in Hanover, duck hunting is considered

one of the manliest of sports.

We used to do it all the time.

You actually shot ducks, Woody?

Oh, no. It's just an excuse for the guys to get together

and drink hot cocoa

and blow those little quacker dealies.

I had the best one. I made it out of a Good and Plenty box.

He's cute.

Does he come with his own dueling banjo?

Well, Mr. Malone, please make sure your patrons use this mat

before tracking dirt up to Melville's.

Oh...

John, you know, I--Listen. I really don't think so.

Oh.

Well, fine.

Oh, by the way, I...

I think this will amuse you, Sam.

In looking at the property map

that came with my title deed,

it appears that the area beyond that hallway

actually belongs to me.

Oh, no, John, that's the pool room,

and those are our bathrooms.

No, no, no. Look here.

You see?

Apparently, it was Melville's old storage basement.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Don't get alarmed. I have no designs on them.

I just mentioned it because I thought it was amusing.

Yeah, that's-- that's very funny.

So, do we still get to use it?

Of course. We're neighbors.

Neighbors help each other.

Yeah, of course they do.

You know, I got an idea.

Why don't you let me help you put this duck mat

right down at the foot of the stairs.

Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, Sam.

Oh, um, one other thing--

Our garbage area seems to be strewn with beer cans

that appear to have been crushed

against someone's forehead.

I warned you about that.

Hey, I get crazy.

Don't--Don't worry about it, John.

I'll take care of that right away.

Also, your red Corvette seems to be parked in my space.

Oh, no, now, John, I've always parked in that space.

Not any longer.

Fine. All right, I'll move it.

- Of course you will. - Heh!

You know, I...

I don't know if I like this guy so much.

He seems kind of snooty.

He's not snooty, Sam. He's sophisticated.

I think this bar could benefit from his kind of class.

Aw, come on. Cheers is classy enough the way it is.

Have you ever seen so many Yuppies with gold cards?

John Allen Hill worked his magic,

and we reap the benefits.

I love these charge slips.

Lookit here. They put down a five for a tip.

Now, all I have to do

is stick a "one" in front of it...

...and I got 15.

All right, Normie. You beat me fair and square.

So, all right, let me buy you a beer.

Excuse me. I was...

I was sitting there.

There was no one here when we came in.

No, I mean yesterday.

And... really, since the Ford administration.

We're just waiting for our table up at Melville's.

- So you'll move? - Look, there's lots of other stools.

Ahem. Look, sounds kind of sill--I'm, uh--

I'm Norm.

I'm Jeffrey. This is Hilary.

Nice to meet you. What do you do, Norm?

I sit there.

Well, it's nice meeting you.

Ahem.

Ahem.

Look...

This is... This is...

We're running out of time here.

He's already two stages beyond anything I've seen before.

So I think you better give him the stool.

I'm sorry. We're sitting here.

Norm! Norm!

What's all the commotion about?

Who cares? Set 'em up, wood.

Cheers.

Okay. Just a second.

Armstrong. Party of four.

Your table is ready.

Have our drinks sent upstairs.

We'll pay for them up there.

Excuse me?

Young man, could you call upstairs

and tell them that we're waiting down in the lounge

until our table's ready?

Sure.

No, Woody, no. This is not Melville's lounge.

I got to go talk to this Hill guy.

This is getting out of hand.

This is my bar, not his stupid Yuppie lounge.

I think Sam's overreacting just a bit, don't you?

Ciao, gang.

Bradley!

Times, they are a-changin', Mr. Peterson.

Hey, Norm, Norm, Norm, Norm, give me your coat and tie, will you?

I forgot about their stupid dress code.

Woody. You sent up a party of eight

without calling ahead.

Where is my brain?

Oh, man, this is going too far.

Sam, Sam, Sam, stop. Relax.

Listen. Don't let your anger get the better of you.

It's the worst thing you can do

in a business situation.

Well, maybe you're right. I don't know. It just--

It seems to me like he's turning our bar

into... into something Diane would have liked.

All right, Sam. You hold him, I'll hit him.

No...

You were right. Thanks, man.

You were right the first time. Listen. I'll just go talk to him. Here.

Say, Mr. Hill--John.

Could I have a little chat with you?

Oh, certainly, Mr. Malone.

John, I'm...

I'm feeling a little uncomfortable

with you delegating new responsibilities

to my employees.

I understand completely.

Oh, good. So it'll stop.

No. I think I deserve a little leeway.

After all, I am allowing you to use that poolroom

As well as both washrooms.

Oh, no, no. no, wait a second.

I could just as easily say that I'm allowing you

and your customers to use my stairs.

I mean, look.

There go two of your customers up my stairs.

Yes, and there go two of your customers into my washroom.

Yeah? Well, look.

There go three more of your customers up my stairs.

Sam, I'm sensing hostility here,

and, frankly, it hurts me.

I mean, especially since I came down to do you a favor.

Oh. I'm... well, I'm sorry.

What's that?

I wanted to give you the number of the impound lot

where your automobile has been towed.

What?

Well, you parked in my space again,

and I had to have it taken away.

You towed my 'Vette?

Sam.

Sam.

He towed my 'Vette.

Well, all right.

All right. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you

and your customers to no longer use my stairs.

Don't you think that's a little drastic?

No, I don't. I think it's quite fair.

I mean, it's not like I'm scratching their chrome

with a giant metal hook.

Very well.

Everyone. May I have your attention?

Melville's patrons are no longer welcome here.

Would you please join me upstairs

for a complimentary cocktail?

No. Whoa, whoa.

Not you, Norm.

Carla. Carla, bring me one down.

Hey, Carla, get out of line.

Well, I think I handled that quite well.

Nobody messes with Sam Malone,

least of all some hairless king of the snobs.

Wow, that was a real shot at you from out of nowhere, huh, Dr. Crane?

Here we go.

Well, congratulations, Sammy.

It's been a whole week since you gave Hill the boot,

- and he hasn't retaliated at all - Ha ha ha!

Oh, yeah. I know guys like that, they're all the same.

You call their bluff,

pretty soon they crumble.

Can you believe the nerve of that guy,

putting up a wall like this?

You know, the Constitution guarantees us certain rights,

among those the right to go to the bathroom

and the right to play pool!

Way to tell him off, Sammy.

Actually, they wouldn't let me in because I wasn't wearing a jacket.

But he can hear me!

Sam, calm down.

I'm calm. I'm calm. I mean, it's just that,

according to his lawyer,

that horse's ass is not gonna take down that brick wall

until I pay rent on the poolroom.

Ooh, ooh. Look what I did.

I stole all his dinner mints.

I know, I know, I know. I shouldn't have done it.

I just let him get to me just a touch.

It won't happen again. Swear to God. Ha ha!

Ten bucks says he goes ballistic by midnight.

I got ten that says 11:00.

I'll take 9:30.

Frase, you want in?

Well, I don't think that would be fair.

I mean, I am a professional psychiatrist.

Then again it might give me the edge I need.

I say by 8:15, he'll be spitting up blood.

Dr. Crane?

I need your help.

I've been walking the streets,

pulling out my hair,

bumping into things,

talking to myself.

So what's new, Woody?

Well, it's Kelly.

I can't stop thinking about her and that man with the thumb.

Woody, you've created this whole scenario

Based on--on what?

A snapshot of an innocent girl in a T-shirt.

If you want to straighten things out, why don't you just call her

and talk to her?

Maybe you're right.

Maybe if I just talk to her, it could clear this whole thing up.

But so help me, God,

if a man with a thumb answers...

Hold on.

It's him. It's the thumb guy.

And you know what that pervert said to me?

"Allo." What does that mean in English?

Wait, I know it. I took some French in high school.

I think "Allo... Allo" means...

"I've got your girlfriend in my arms,

and soon we'll be naked,

you stupid cuckold."

That's funny, Norm,

because I thought it meant...

"I've got your girlfriend in my arms,

and we're already naked, you stupid cuckold."

Oh, for God's sake, stop hectoring the poor lad.

Woody, it simply means...

that "I enjoyed your girlfriend."

All right, listen, Monsieur Thumb, you think you got problems--

Woody, Woody, stop. We were just joking.

Here, let me talk to him.

Bonjour, monsieur.

Je suis un ami de Woody.

Un petit probleme.

Ma question est le photographe de Kelly...

Uh-huh.

Non. Non.

C'est Merveilleux. Merci.

Oh, Woody. it seems that there's a monsignor Pilote,

a very elderly French cleric,

who was the one that took the photograph of your beloved.

Oh. Wow.

Thank you, Dr. Crane.

I feel a million times better.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go write Kelly

the best darn love letter she's ever had.

There you go.

So, uh, some old French priest, huh?

I have no idea.

Apparently Woody dialed the wrong exchange.

Somewhere in Belgium,

there's a very confused chocolatier.

I'm taking things into my own hands here.

I hate that damn wall.

I'm gonna put my bar back the way it was.

Coming out. No more bets.

Excuse me. You may wanna move over here just a little bit.

Fellas, you may wanna take note

where you were the day the wall came down.

Is it down yet?

Mr. Hill, wait here just one moment, please. Okay?

Sam.

I don't want you to be mad at me,

but I brought Mr. Hill here to settle this whole ugly mess

between the two of you.

Please say you'll talk to him.

Oh, sure. I'd love to talk to him.

Not with the sledgehammer.

I wasn't going to actually hit him with it.

I was just gonna drop it on his foot by mistake.

No, Sam.

Sammy. Just let me have it.

Ow!

It would've worked, Sam.

No. I'll just...

I'll go talk to him. That's all right.

Mr. Hill.

John.

I'm glad you came back.

Sit down for a second.

Things have just gotten too far out of hand here.

I mean, come on. We're neighbors.

We need to learn to live together.

We need each other.

I don't need you.

Oh, God, you're evil.

I can't fight the evil.

I--l--I give up, Mr. Hill.

You know, the funny thing is,

when I got my bar back just recently,

I thought,

"Hey, Sam, you're on top of the world here.

Your life's finally turning around.

You're in charge of your own destiny."

But I was wrong.

You have my bathrooms, Mr. Hill.

You hold all the cards.

You're everything.

You're God.

I'm nothing.

Here's your rent.

I'm sorry, Sam. I was wrong.

- I don't want your money. - You don't?

No. I just want you to make that speech to me in public

every month when your rent is due.

No, no. I was wrong. You're not God.

You're some big, petty, mean nothing.

I'm gonna give you your rent every month.

And every month from here on out, and I'll tell you, every time I do

I'm gonna write right down here on the memo part,

"You're not God."

There, huh? How do you like that?

Well, you certainly put me in my place.

I'll just... take your money and go.

Yeah. Good. Good.

Oh, by the way, when I came in,

I noticed they were towing your car again.

What for? I didn't park in your space.

No, but it was in a fire lane.

I don't make the rules.

I just notify the authorities when they're broken.

Oh, God!

He's making me insane!

I'd say that scream makes it official.

Woody, who won the pool?

Well...oh, Sam, you aren't gonna believe this.

The winner of the $200

is our friendly new neighbor John A. Hill.

Aah!

He gets paid $200 to make me insane?

He can't get away with this.

This is not fair. I'll tell you something.

I'm gonna make him take down that brick wall

brick by brick with his own little polished fingernails.

I need-- I need to get back.

I need revenge.

Oh, yes, yes.

The mat. The stupid mat.

I've always hated this mat.

This is the mat from hell.

Never mind. Never mind.

Where's my sledgehammer?

Yeah.

Die, you stupid duck!

Sam. Sammy.

You're not making a dent in it.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.

Burn, Donald, burn.

It won't burn.

Say, this is a pretty good mat, isn't it?

I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna take this home for myself.

I'm gonna bring back one of those cheap ones,

the kind that wear out all the time.

And then he'll have to replace it himself.

Every month. Ha ha ha!

I win!