Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Ooh. Knight of the Pentacles.

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, Mr. Peterson.

Woody, are those Tarot cards?

Yeah.

What are you doing? You have to be careful with those things.

Ah, yes. The awesome power and dreaded prophecy of the Tarot,

so ancient and mysterious that no one knows its history.

Not even me.

That's a relief.

Woody, you idiot.

Don't mess with the supernatural.

Have I taught you nothing about bad juju?

Relax, Carla. I've done this before.

Now, where were we, Mr. Peterson?

You got any grim reapers?

Nope. Go fish.

Carla, can I have a beer, please?

What?

Can I have a beer, please?!

What?!

Can I have a beer, please?

What?!

They stopped the hammering, okay?

I know! I'm just torturing you!

Finally stopped, huh? Must be noon.

Actually, I've only got 10 till.

Oh, yeah. Union guys.

When are those guys gonna be finished?

They're killing our business.

Nobody can come through the front door.

That's okay. The foreman promised me it's just a one-day job.

I hope so.

What are they doing up there, anyway?

Why doesn't someone go see?

It's all the way upstairs, you know?

Maybe we could call somebody.

The phone's way over there.

We could turn on the TV.

Might be on the news or something.

Clicker's in the poolroom.

Well, I guess we'll never know.

If you people aren't the laziest beer sponges I have ever seen.

If you want to know what's going on out there,

why doesn't somebody go and look?

Why doesn't somebody just get up off their rufty-dufty

and go look?

Hey, Maybe I should've asked him to return this.

Oop... too late.

Maybe we should go see if he's all right.

It's all the way upstairs, you know?

So, Frase, what are they doing up there?

As near as I can tell, they're replacing the top step

with a 6-foot hole.

You know, you people wouldn't be laughing if you knew that I had a severe dust allergy.

I'm serious. I could've fallen and broken my neck.

Stop, Dr. Crane. let me catch my breath.

There's the guy who took the header into our ditch.

Hey, why'd you do that, Man? You almost broke your neck.

Don't get him started. He's got this whole routine.

Can I help you guys?

Yeah. You could help us out with a couple of beers.

Sure. That'll be $5.00.

No, no. We can't have our boys in the trenches paying for this.

Much better they spend their valuable time

finishing their work upstairs

than digging around in their wallets for exact change.

Here's a man who understands the construction business.

What are you doing?

What am I doing? I'm greasing the construction workers.

That would make a great title for my autobiography.

This is disgusting.

- What? - Bribing those men to do their job?

What happened to an honest day's work for an honest day's pay?

Now, that is funny.

Nothing will top the one about you breaking your neck.

It's all in the delivery.

Excuse me. That was a very nice gesture of Sam, but I'm the manager here,

and I am responsible for receiving payment for services rendered.

Honey, honey. Don't listen to--

No, the lady's got the right idea.

Pride in workmanship.

You've inspired us to go out and do our job as well as we can,

no matter how long it takes.

After all, we're craftsmen.

You see?

Well, that was Ma.

Her flight got in a little bit early,

And she'll be by as soon as she grabs a cab.

Your Ma's in town?

- Yeah. - Why don't you go pick her up?

No, Normy. That would set exactly the wrong tone for this visit.

I know why she's here.

She wants to move back in with me.

She can just forget it, I can tell you.

She's not going to be running my life

like she did when I was in my mid-30s. No, sirree.

No, no. It's a new Cliff Clavin

A new man!

Well I'd be happy to see her you know, take her out to dinner

give her a perm. But that's about it.

I don't get it, Mr. Clavin.

I thought you liked your mom a lot.

A whole lot.

Too much to be healthy, really.

Why don't I hear any jackhammering?

I don't know.

Why don't you go on up there and find out what they're doing and come back and let us know?

Right, Carla. And then I'd probably fall in a hole or something.

What do you think I am, an idiot?

We prefer the term "Hapless victim."

I'll tell you why you don't hear any jackhammering.

They're pulling a slowdown up there.

Good heavens. I laced my boot incorrectly.

I'll have to start all over again.

This is making me crazy. They're gonna be here for a month.

Look, I'm sorry, Rebecca.

You got to go up and give that guy this $50 he dropped.

As a matter of fact, I think they both dropped $50. There.

No, Sam, I'm not gonna do this. You cannot bribe them those men.

- It's a matter of principle. - Rebecca.

It's like the cardinal rule of the free enterprise system.

You pay somebody more money, they work faster.

Look at this. We're getting a raise at the post office.

The exception that proves the rule.

Sam, no, you made me the manager.

You gave me the authority to handle these problems,

so let me just do it my own way.

Okay, Manager, what are you going to do?

Well, I think we'll just make an entrance through the alley.

You got to be kidding.

What are you gonna do, bust a hole in my wall?

Actually, Sam, you know, that window,

the leaded stained glass window,

is in a single Wooden frame, so I think you could pop it out

fairly easily with a crowbar.

I think the opening is, like, four by eight,

which is perfectly good for a standard entrance.

You build a little a staircase, and you got yourself a nice little doorway.

Boy, you've put a lot of thought into this.

It's always been a dream of mine to someday retire

and build a little apartment back there.

Hello, Clifford.

Hey, Ma! Hey, look.

Come on, you.

My, everybody has filled out nicely.

Say, Mrs. Clavin, if you don't mind my asking,

how did you happen to negotiate that hole

up at the top of the stairs?

I just hiked up my skirts and hopped across.

No big deal.

Although those construction boys told me some jackass actually fell in.

Can you believe that?

I'm a boob. I'm a big fat boob!

So, Ma, what made you decide to blow into town all of a sudden?

Well, you know how much I enjoy the historically rich sport of dog racing.

Who doesn't?

It turns out I enjoyed it a bit too much last Friday,

and let's just say I owe some people some money.

Well, the dog I put all my money on apparently had a parasitic condition.

He scooted the last 75 yards.

He got the most laughs,

but they don't pay on laughs.

Anyway, it gives me a chance to catch up with my little boy.

I'm looking forward to seeing what you're doing with your life

and how we can go about fixing it.

I appreciate the thought, Ma, but I don't have anything that needs fixing.

See, I got a new lifestyle, and I like it.

Clifford, is it really a new lifestyle

or is it just an excuse to walk around your apartment half-naked?

It's not an either-or situation, Ma.

I suppose there's no room in this playboy pad of yours

for somebody's mother?

Thank you for being so understanding, Ma.

Oh. Well, I certainly don't want to be a burden to you, Clifford.

Lord knows you weren't a burden to me

when I was in labor with you for 72 hours.

Ooh! 72 hours?

He had those wide hips.

I got you a great hotel here. Look. It's got HBO--

You shouldn't go to that expense.

All I need is a large appliance carton, and I can sleep on the street

with all the other forgotten mothers.

You can stay with me.

Are you sure you don't have a lifestyle I'd be intruding on?

Not that I know of.

Well, then, I'd be glad to.

What's your name?

Woody.

Woody.

That's the name of a boy whose mother raised him right.

Really?

Because I looked it up, and all I could find was "treelike."

Let's get you settled in, huh, Mrs. Clavin?

No. Hey, Woody, my mother doesn't want to impose on anybody.

Suddenly he's an expert on my desires.

I certainly do want to stay with Woody.

I like him.

He's sweet and thoughtful.

And look at those nice narrow hips.

I'll bet you shot out like a bullet.

Norm's got the window out.

Now he's starting on the iron bars.

When he's finished, anybody who wants to

can come into this bar right through that alley.

What was that?

Two big dogs chasing a Chihuahua.

At least I think it was a Chihuahua.

If the health department asks, it was a Chihuahua.

Thanks for giving me a lift, Ma Clavin.

My pleasure, Woody.

Here's your lunch. I cut the grapes in half,

but should one lodge in your esophagus,

remember the international sign for choking is this.

How come you never taught me that, Ma?

Oh, Clifford, with that windpipe of yours,

it would take a knockwurst to cut off your air.

I'll be home at 7:00.

Don't be late. I'm stopping at the video store

to pick up the rest of the Police Academy cycle.

Oh, I love that handsome young African-American

who makes those funny noises with his mouth.

Yeah, he's a hoot, isn't he?

Yes, he is. And you can tell by watching him

he's very respectful to his mother.

Ma, are you mad at me?

I'd have to care to be mad.

Look, Ma, I didn't say I never wanted to see you again,

for crying out loud.

Listen, why don't you come over?

We'll watch Jeopardy! tonight, huh?

Come on over to the apartment.

Oh, praise God. I've been invited to Xanadu.

Actually, Clifford,

I happen to have a previous engagement.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Oh, all right.

Clifford, we'd be delighted to have you join us for Police Academy tonight.

Oh, no, that's okay, Ma.

I'm just gonna have a lot of fun right here.

I'm as happy as a lark.

Actually, Mr. Clavin, the lark is a very depressed bird.

It has one of the highest suicide rates

in the entire ornithological kingdom.

Interestingly enough, its song--

Is more of a dirge.

You've been teaching him bird trivia, haven't you, Ma?

Woody is the best student I've had, bar none.

I know what you're trying to do, Ma, and it's not gonna work.

You're trying to make me jealous.

I'm not gonna be asking you to move back in with me.

Don't you worry. I know your wily ways.

You see, you're forgetting I'm a graduate student

of the Esther Clavin school of Emotional Blackmail.

Well, that and a nickel will get you a civil service job.

Back off, Ma.

Clifford, I'm not trying to get you jealous.

I don't have to.

I found a wonderful companion in Woody.

He's like the son I never had.

Well, what about me?

You're the son I did have.

Yeah, I'm telling you, Norm, I really let Ma have it.

I cut clean.

I'll have to take your word for it, Cliff.

Yeah, it really feels good to get that monkey off my back.

Whatever you say.

Yeah, she's out of there. Gone, good-bye, finito.

Cliff, what do I have to say to make you stop talking?

Yes, sir. Today I am a man, Norm.

How about, "I've got a crowbar"?

Well, hey, Rebecca.

You be Ma again, and I'll be me.

Oh, Cliff.

Sam does a lot better Ma than I do.

Oh, yeah. Right, right.

All right, Ma, get off my back.

I'm busy, Cliff.

No, Sam. There's too much love in your voice.

I think that ought to do it.

What do you mean, that ought to do it?

You need to cut another bar out of there.

People have to squeeze through there.

Rebecca, trust me. I've spent a lifetime

learning how to do the least amount of work

for any given task.

This will fit the bill.

I just don't think

anybody's really gonna be able to fit through there.

Even I can fit through. Watch this.

You just sort of...

Well, that's it.

That's it? You're not halfway through.

No, that's it, I'm stuck.

I'll be in Cheers the rest of my life.

I guess you have to be careful what you wish for.

Let me see if I can get you unstuck.

Oh, God, that's it. You are stuck.

Sam!

Carla!

You better hurry, Rebecca, because I think I see that damn Chihuahua again.

Hey, there's a whole pack of Chihuahuas.

I hope they're Chihuahuas.

Oh, my God!

You okay out there?

Yeah. I think they're as afraid of me as I am of them.

Yeah, except you don't carry rabies and have razor-sharp teeth.

Yeah, but they don't know that.

Boy, you really are wedged in there.

Is that Norm?

I didn't recognize you without the barstool attached.

You know who he looks like?

Winnie the Pooh.

Carla's right. In that story where he eats too much honey

and gets stuck in Rabbit's hole.

Well, how did they get him out?

It was hilarious.

They starved him for a couple of weeks, then yanked him out.

When he got out,

did Winnie the Pooh sue the damn rabbit?

Come on, man, lighten up, will you?

I'm sorry, Sammy.

I'm just upset, okay?

No, I mean, you're like dead weight here.

Push, pull, do something.

♪ Winnie the pooh ♪

♪ Winnie the pooh ♪

♪ Chubby little-- ♪

Stop it. They like the singing.

They're coming towards the singing.

Yeah, so I told her, "Pack your bags. Go on, hit the skids.

I don't need you anymore."

What's wrong with him, girl trouble?

Well, sort of.

Now I'll just have to raise myself.

The hard work's already done, though.

Where's the child who's stuck in the fence?

Oh, good, you're here. Back this way in the poolroom.

Child stuck in the fence?

Every time I said, "accountant stuck in the window,"

they just laughed and hung up.

He's back here.

Oh, Woody, that was fun.

It's so nice to go shopping for shelf paper

with somebody who doesn't nitpick over every design.

Ma, when are you gonna stop taking those potshots at me?

When it stops being fun.

Excuse me, Woody.

I'm going to go powder my nose.

Your nose looks fine, Mother Clavin.

That's just an expression, son.

Son?

She's, uh, calling you son now?

Well, it's just an expression.

You know, like, powder my nose.

I understand, Woody.

I want to thank you, really, for all you done for my Ma,

you know, giving her a place to live and everything.

There's one thing my sense of pride

won't allow me to say to her,

but I know I can talk to you about it man to man.

I want my mommy back.

You can't have her back. You gave her up.

I miss her.

If I give her to you, then I'll miss her, too.

Can't we share?

I don't want to share.

Oh, for God's sake!

You're acting like children.

Now, listen, Woody.

Esther Clavin is Cliff's natural mother.

Therefore, logic would dictate that, uh...

Well, Cliff gets first dibs.

Well, Woody, are we ready to line some shelves

with flags of the world?

Woody?

Woody, if you stick that lower lip out any further,

a pigeon's gonna land on it.

You know that they like shiny ledge-like surfaces.

Don't bring up bird trivia now, Mother Clavin.

It hurts too much.

Why, Woody, whatever are you talking about?

All right, all right, all right.

Is this true, Clifford?

Yeah, Ma, it is.

I want you back.

Well, is there room for me in that singles paradise of yours?

I'll--I'll make room.

I made room for you, Mother Clavin.

I'll make room in your face!

No, no. Now, now, boys.

Let's not get into a Cain and Abel situation here.

I can love you both for different reasons.

Woody, I can love you because you're generous and kind and strong.

And, Clifford, I can love you

because I'm your biological mother,

and nature dictates there be a bond.

Now, boys,

I've got plenty of love for both.

And lord knows, I've got plenty of shelf paper.

I'll tell you what. Let's get cracking.

We can do both of your apartments before dark.

Gonna do mine first.

Not if I get to the car first.

Yeah, well, you're not gonna do that. I can't be beat.

Boys, watch out for the hole--

Yes, they're my children, all right. Both dumb as dishwater.

We can get him out, but we're gonna have to bring in the jaws of life.

He's really stuck in there.

Yeah. It reminds me of that Winnie the Pooh story.

How'd he get stuck in there anyway?

Well, he ate up all of rabbit's honey--

No, I mean this guy.

Uh, we were, uh, building a new entrance.

Do you have a permit for that?

He wants a permit.

This time we'll handle it your way.

I'll do it.

Let me just reach into my magic permit pocket...

Yes, yes.

And, oh, here's a nice little permit with a picture of General Grant on it.

What are you doing?

What, like you have never been bribed before?

Are you trying to give us this 50 bucks?

What, 50 isn't enough?

How about 100?

All right, you're under arrest. Come on.

Sam, will you get my checkbook?

So you guys ought to have me out of here

in just a few minutes, huh?

Right, guys?

Guys!

Vera?