Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Anybody seen my gum? I left it around here somewhere.

What'd you take your gum out for?

Ah, give my mouth a rest. You know.

"Dear diary, today it finally happened."

Wood, can I have another...

Cliff, I think I found your gum.

Shoot. This is a new jacket, too, man.

Well, Norm, if you don't mind, I suggest that you ice it,

then try to scrape the bulk of it off with a razor blade,

and maybe that way you can save it.

Oh, no, that's okay, Frase.

I was about to get a new piece anyway.

Sounds like a lot of work, Frasier. I don't know.

Well, alternatively, you could wait several years

for the resins to break down,

the gum to harden and fall off by itself.

I seem to have my full range of movement.

I can wait.

Boy, did it just get warm in here? I hate Indian summers.

I never know what to wear to work in the morning.

If it's going to get cold, it should stay cold.

But then, who am I to question the Lord?

What's with the getup?

It's Indian summer, Sam. I need these clothes for protection.

Protection from what?

The eyes of men.

What are you talking about?

Every time I've conceived a kid, it's been during Indian summer.

It's when I'm at my most fertile, Sammy.

I cannot let any man touch me, talk to me, or see me,

or I'll be shooting out kids like a PEZ dispenser.

Oh, come on.

No, Sammy, I've gone over two years now

without having a kid.

And that's a record for me. I'm not taking any chances.

I'm just gonna stay home, turn off the lights, lie down.

But the cable man's coming over.

Sweetheart, I promise you,

I won't let anybody put the moves on you, okay?

Oh, no, you don't understand, Sammy. It's not them. It's me.

When the mercury hits 95, I can't be responsible for my actions.

Oh, who is that hunk over there,

in the uniform, with the cute buns?

Oh, my God, it's Clavin!

Oh, this is...

This is worse than I thought.

Has he always had that mustache?

Iced coffee will cool me down.

Hey, you guys, listen to this.

"Rumor has it that the reason jillionaire jailbird Robin Colcord

gave up his fortune and freedom was a mystery femme.

But so far, our little caged Robin isn't singing."

Boy, that writer really paints a picture, doesn't he?

You know, I can just picture Mr. Colcord sitting on his little perch in a cage,

sharpening his beak on a cuttlebone.

Woody, Woody.

Pecking away at the little bell made of sesame seeds.

Sam!

Rebecca, this is kind of a rip-off, isn't it?

- They don't even mention your name. - And don't think I'm not grateful.

What do you mean? You could've been famous.

Yes, someday I'd like to be famous,

but not because I'm involved with a rich man.

I'd like to be known for some real achievement.

Oh, yeah. How's that cure for leprosy coming along?

You know what I mean.

You know how the girlfriends of rich millionaires

are treated by the press. Like cheap sluts.

You know, I think it stems from the envy that the public feels

towards people who achieve a certain level of notoriety.

Well, also the fact that most of those women have posed nude

in popular men's magazines.

But, you know, frankly, I wouldn't waste my money

on publications like that. I mean, those letters are not real.

I just hope the rag magazines don't find out

that I am the mystery woman.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Those bloodhounds will ferret me out

the first chance they get.

But at least I have my dignity.

Well, I'm off to change the blue stuff in the toilet bowls.

What's the matter, Wood?

I don't get The Far Side.

Woody, Woody, hand it over here. Come on. Let's have a look.

Okay, Wood.

Now, you see here in the first panel,

cows are standing on their hind legs, right?

The second panel, the car goes by, they're acting like normal cows.

See, the idea here is, Wood, that, you know, cows only act like cows

when we're around. Other times they act like people.

Now, does that help you clear it up a little bit for you?

I just meant I don't get The Far Side in my newspaper at home,

but thanks for treating me like a one-year-old.

Every time we turn on Robert Vaughn's Amazing Discoveries,

we always get the hair loss episode.

It's like they never did any others.

We don't have to watch an infomercial.

We can choose from any of 60 wonderful cable stations here.

At the very least...

There's Lyle Waggoner talking about impotence.

People trying to whiten their yellow teeth.

Singing in the Rain.

How to buy real estate with no money down.

Wait, you just passed by one of the all-time classics, Frasier.

Put it back on the yellow teeth one.

Just...

Wait. Wait. Go back. There was a picture of Robin Colcord.

Sources have confirmed the identity of Colcord's mystery woman.

Oh, God. They found me out.

Colcord's secret lover revealed herself in a press conference today

to be Jeanne-Marie Beaulieu,

Charge d'affaires for the French Consulate.

- Excuse me? - Miss Beaulieu, a native Parisienne...

I thought Robin dumped that French babe for you weeks ago.

Well, he did.

The nerve of that cheap slut,

pretending like Robin turned himself in for her.

Don't worry, Rebecca.

Your friends know who the real cheap slut is.

Thank you, Norm.

Now, Rebecca, don't be upset.

I mean, she's actually doing you a favor.

You're off the hook.

The press is going to tear her apart

and leave your relationship with Robin unsullied.

I guess you're right.

I mean, the only thing that really does matter

is that I am Robin's true love.

And it actually makes it more romantic

because we're the only ones who know.

Yeah, except for us.

I kind of told my mom in Hanover.

You know what I mean. It's sort of like

a secret valentine between me and Robin.

- And us. - And my mom.

Woody, who cares if your mother knows?

I mean, who is she going to tell?

Are you serious?

She has choir practice tonight.

Once she gets a cup of coffee in her,

those old biddies will bleed it out of her.

For a moist crumb cake, she'll tell anybody

why you never see Uncle Willie and Aunt Mae

in the same room at the same time.

Why...

Why would that be, Wood?

I don't see any crumb cake.

Cheers.

Oh, hi, Mom.

It's for me.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I saw the news.

But don't believe everything you see on TV.

That French lady, Jeanne-Marie, was telling a big whopper.

It was really Miss Howe who was having...

...you know, with Mr. Colcord.

All right, I'm sorry. I will.

Where you going, Wood?

I have to go wash my mouth out with soap.

I'm sorry, Woody.

Yeah, well, maybe next time you'll think

about the consequences of your actions.

It looks like no end to the heat wave is in sight.

Today may actually break 100.

Oh, man.

I better get the crib out of the garage.

Hi, everybody. I brought doughnuts.

Hey, gee, I haven't dunked a doughnut in years.

Wood, give me another beer, will you?

Oh, hey. Seen The Midnight Tattler?

Seems that Jeanne-Marie sold her love letters from Robin.

Yeah?

Look at the legs on this chick.

Hey, hey. Guys, guys, guys.

Rebecca's standing here. Try to be more polite.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you very much for the doughnuts, Rebecca.

Look at the legs on this babe! They continued on the next page or what?

Don't bother, Sam. I've seen the article.

It was just a stupid, pitiable act of a desperate woman.

Those letters are not real.

They never are.

Robin did not type those letters.

I've seen his typewriter. He doesn't even use that font.

Cheers.

Hi, mom.

It's for me.

Yeah. Yeah, I saw the article.

Miss Howe says it's not even his font.

What?

No, mom. Font isn't a bad word.

No, it's not. It...

All right. Okay.

Thanks a lot, Miss Howe.

Hey, Sammy, how about turning up the sound?

Don't you care about any of this?

I mean, it's got to be bothering you a little bit.

I wouldn't be human if it didn't bother me a little bit,

but what does it really amount to?

I have Robin's love, and she has a couple of blurbs in a cheap tabloid.

And it's not like she's some national celebrity.

Join me tonight with my guests Michael Caine, M.C. Hammer,

and the woman Robin Colcord gave it up for,

and I mean really gave it up for, Jeanne-Marie Beaulieu.

Watch her kick it on the next Arsenio Hall Show.

Hey! I'm the one who should be kicking it!

Hey, this is getting very serious.

Thank you for your concern, Sam.

Do you have any idea how much that TV costs?

What?

The corporation owns this bar for three years,

you don't break anything.

I have it for three weeks, you yank my television off the wall.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that.

It's just that I didn't expect this thing with Jeanne-Marie

to go this far.

Before, nobody even took it seriously,

and all of a sudden she's getting national attention.

- Tonight she's gonna be on Arsenio. - Yeah, I know.

And thanks to you, I can't watch it.

Why hasn't Robin spoken out? I mean, why hasn't he denied this?

What if he really does love Jeanne-Marie?

What would I do?

- Hey, I know. - What?

I'll get my landlady to tape Arsenio.

- No, Sam... - No, you're right.

- Then I'd be obligated. - Sam!

- You're not listening to me. - All right, I'm listening. What?

I cannot just ask him if he loves Jeanne-Marie

because then he'll think that I don't trust him.

- You don't. - I know, but I should.

But if I ask him, "Do you love Jeanne-Marie?"

And he says yes, I don't think that I could handle that.

If I ask if he loves me, and he said yes,

then he would know that I did not trust him.

And trusting him is the one thing that I really should do

since he gave up his fortune for me.

If he really did gave it up for me.

Which I can never know because I can't ask.

Let me see if I can put this in a nutshell.

What?

Sam, would you ask him for me?

No. No, no, I don't want to do that. I've never been to prison.

Oh, well, it's not really a real prison.

No, it's like a minimum security deal.

It's like summer camp,

only Robin has to spend seven to ten summers there.

No, really, and when you see him,

don't tell him that I told you to ask, okay?

Make it sound like you just dropped by prison,

it was just a real casual deal for you...

No. No, Rebecca, I'm sorry.

Okay.

I get it.

It's just that...

Whenever I think that Robin might love Jeanne-Marie,

you know, I just get so darn mad, you know?

I just feel like I could just...

Okay, okay.

I guess I can swing by the prison...

...on my way to the billiard supply store.

Carla, watch the bar for me, will you?

I gotta go down to prison for a minute.

Prison?

Isn't that where they keep all the bad, lonely men?

Huh? Come on, Carla. No.

Oh, Sammy, take me with you, please.

- Smuggle me in your pants. - No.

Please. I need a tattooed man!

- Please, Sammy. - Carla, no!

Ah, there he is. Thanks.

Hey, Robin.

Robin. Hey.

Hey, Sam. What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you for a minute.

Oh, yeah. Certainly. Grab a racket.

Oh. Well, all right.

I'd stop to talk, only I just get three hours a week on the court.

Prison, you know.

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me. Sam, weren't you a professional athlete?

Well, yeah. I was a pitcher with the American league, but...

...I never actually had to hit anything.

I see, so basically you just did what this machine is doing.

Yeah, but my arm got tired.

So, Sam, what have you got on your mind?

I want to talk about your ex-girlfriend.

Can you be more specific?

The one you ran around with behind Rebecca's back.

Can you be more specific?

Jeanne-Marie.

Oh. Jeanne-Marie. Yes.

I do hope her little game with the press isn't troubling Rebecca.

Yeah, well...

Yeah, it is, actually.

You know, this girl is running around getting exploited all over the place.

But we all know that it's Rebecca that deserves to be exploited.

Hey, these things are coming pretty fast here.

Can we slow them down?

Oh, no, if they went any slower, they wouldn't remain airborne.

Sam, look, if Rebecca is really getting troubled by this,

why didn't she make mention of it to me?

Well, I don't know, actually.

She tried to explain that to me, but I...

Yes. Enough said. Yeah.

Poor Rebecca.

Her insecurities have finally got the better of her.

Well, perhaps I should make an end of Jeanne-Marie's little charade

and go to the press and tell them the truth.

Do you think that would help her?

Sure. Yeah.

Say, is your arm sore?

- What? - My arm's sore. Right here.

Oh, yes, well, we can take a break if you like.

- All right. - Maurice!

Thanks, Maurice.

Hey, Robin.

Excuse me, are you through with the court?

- Yeah, Sherman, it's all yours. - Thanks.

Maurice!

Hey, I voted for that guy.

Okay, guys, we got it.

I think Rebecca did us a favor by breaking that old TV.

Yeah, I like this new TV a lot better than the old one.

We're not talking TV here.

This is the latest in video technology here.

We got Dolby sound, black matrix, high resolution.

Look at that!

It's almost as if Deputy Dog's right in the room with you.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

My God!

It's another scorcher out there.

I am sick and tired

of peeling patients off of my leather couch.

I tell you, the ones in shorts scream like banshees when I get them up fast.

Well, fortunately, I'm a trained psychiatrist,

and I've learned to tune out cries for help.

Say, where's Carla?

She asked us to lock her in the office till the heat wave breaks.

Oh, for goodness sakes. This has gone on long enough.

The human female doesn't have an estrus cycle.

Someone is gonna have to tell her

that the weather cannot affect human beings this way.

Carla, may I have a word with you, please?

Oh, God!

How is she, Frase?

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

Has anyone seen an afternoon paper?

What are you looking for?

Because Robin's statement about me being his true love

is supposed to be in the late edition.

I sent Woody out for it hours ago.

You sent Woody out there? It's 100 degrees.

I'm sorry, Miss Howe. I would have been here sooner,

but I think I passed out between the news stand and here.

Woody, my man, are you all right?

Yes, he's all right.

Bet I'm on the cover.

Heat wave, heat wave, heat wave, children in sprinklers, heat wave.

So it's a little warm out.

Grandma?

- Is that you, Grandma? - Here.

Thank you, Grandma.

Here it is.

"Millionaire Robin Colcord says

that his true love is some Boston bar manager."

What? That's it?

I thought I was going to be big news.

Such is the transitory nature of fame.

You have missed your moment in the sun.

I had three hours in the sun.

Would somebody shut him up.

This just isn't fair.

Robin gave it up for me. Me, not Jeanne-Marie.

Hey, I wouldn't worry so much about Jeanne-Marie.

She's washed up, too.

Look where they put her on Hollywood Squares.

Center bottom.

Nobody's gonna call on her there. She might as well be a Gabor.

I'll take Robin Colcord's lover to block.

No, no, whoa, whoa.

Come on, guys. Switch the channel.

- Put a game on. - I'm trying, Sammy.

How do you work this damn remote?

Whoa, wait. You need this one to work that one.

- I feel sucked in. - Relax, relax.

No, it was my turn, Sam.

Everybody in the world was supposed to know

that I was Robin's mystery femme.

- I was supposed to be famous. - That's not what you said before.

You said the only thing that mattered was that Robin loves you.

Yeah, yeah. Well...

That was back when I thought Jeanne-Marie was gonna be laughed at.

I didn't know

that she was gonna become America's little sweetheart

and I was going to become America's little stupid idiot nobody.

Listen, from the outside, fame looks great,

but when you actually have it, it's not all

- that it's cracked up to be. - Oh, how would you know?

Well, I had a little bit of fame once upon a time.

Oh, yeah, right.

That time you almost got hit by that truck.

No.

No, no, no. Come on.

When I was pitching for the Sox.

Yeah, sure. Fame has its perks.

You don't have to stand in line in restaurants. That's very nice.

The cops let you slide on a few traffic tickets.

That's... that's very nice.

Autographs. That's cool and all that. But basically it's just a hassle.

- Really? - Yeah. Sure.

Not being famous is ten times better.

- Really? - Yeah. Yeah.

You get treated just like everybody else.

You can go to the supermarket in peace.

Nobody crowds around you.

Matter of fact, they don't pay any attention to you at all.

They certainly don't let you cut ahead of them

in the ten items or less line. No, no, no, no.

You have to wait behind all the old ladies.

And some of them have way beyond ten items,

cause believe me, you got all the time in the world

to count every little can, every little loaf of bread.

- Sam. - And by the time you get

to the front of the line, they're only too happy

to cut up your credit cards

right in front of your face, cause you're nothin'!

Sam.

Sam, are you all right?

I miss it so much, Rebecca.

I know you do.

But we're both better off without it, Sam.

Hey, you remember all that attention I got

when that truck almost hit me?

Well, there's no break in this heat wave.

As a matter of fact, tomorrow is going to be even hotter.

Let's look now at the satellite photo...

Oh, my God!

Clear out, everybody! She's gonna blow!