Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Here you go.

Hey.

- Something wrong? - Yeah, I'll say.

You didn't ask me if I needed anything else.

Do you see this row of dollar bills here?

- Yeah. - This is your tip.

I've set it aside in advance.

Now, here's the deal...

Every time you do something wrong, I take a dollar bill, see?

That way I get decent service, understood?

Fair enough. Here's my deal for you.

Every time you take away a dollar, I do this.

That just cost you another dollar.

There, you happy? Your tip money's all gone.

Well, that's just great, cause I just got my own.

So...

...how long's your brother going to be in town?

Two weeks.

I would like to nominate as the stupidest creature on earth,

the one who awakens each day to drive through gridlocked traffic

to sit in a windowless office, breathing recirculated air,

then returns home and collapses into a stupor,

only to do the same damn thing

all over again every day until he dies.

Looking forward to that vacation, eh, Fras?

You bet. We're going to Maui.

Still having problems with the computer, Sammy?

No, I think I figured out what to do.

Ah, kiss your keyboard good-bye.

Sam! Sam.

Sam. Give me the bat. Come sit down.

Now, I'm sure that Lilith would be delighted

to help you with your computer.

She tells me she has quite an affinity for machines.

Naturally, you could have knocked me over with a feather.

What is it with these machines, anyway? Computers, faxes, voice mail?

You know, when I ran this place in the old days,

I had everything I needed right up here.

- Brain, Sam? - No, good hair.

Brains!

I'm serious, you know. Good looks can open doors.

Good hair blows them off the hinges.

Sammy, what are you going to do about the computer?

Rebecca's going to come over here and fix it.

I just have to wait until she shows up.

What about the auto show, Sam? Don't you want to go see the new models?

That's all right. I know where they're staying, Wood.

Sammy, we're out of pretzels.

Sorry.

Hey, we're out of pretzels.

I think that's what I meant when I said we were out of pretzels.

Sorry I was so cryptic before.

I don't understand this,

we're supposed to get a big shipment today.

I mean, I ordered 20 bags from the distributor.

I mean, I even faxed it on Rebecca's stupid fax machine.

- Oh, well. - Oh, well?

Sammy, there are those of us who need their pretzels.

Come on.

What am I supposed to do, go down to the grocery store

and buy you some?

And get some beer nuts, too. These are antiques.

You know, I have a yen for some cheese doodles.

Hey, Sammy, while you're out there,

will you pick up some cough syrup? I've got a little tickle.

All right, fine, I'm going to do this once, you guys.

But you got to remember,

I'm supposed to be the boss around here,

- not your errand boy. - Feed my meter.

I've got those 20 bags of cement you ordered.

What? 20 bags of cement? I ordered 20 bags of pretzels.

I faxed my order to Amalgamated Snack Foods.

Oh, yeah, we often intercept their orders so we can push cement.

Maybe what happened is I faxed it to the wrong company.

- Oh, it happens all the time. - So you'll take it back for me?

Nope. You still got to pay for it. Good thing it happens all the time.

Here, sign here. I'll get the rest of it.

I don't have time to do this. I have more important things going on.

Hey, do something with this cement.

Sure thing, Sam.

Oh, listen, while you're out, can you pick up

some aggregate, a water trough, a shovel, and a wheelbarrow.

Now, what am I going to build?

All right, here you go, you clowns.

Cheese doodles.

Beer nuts.

Pretzels.

Where's the cough syrup, Sam?

Oh. I knew I forgot something.

Jeez, Sam, the tickles just don't go away

by themselves, you know.

I'm sorry.

Oh, man, I know it's going to get in my ears.

I just know it.

Sam, I believe I ordered cheese doodles,

not imitation puffed cheese food.

So I got the plain wrap. What's the difference?

"Can also be used as packing material."

See? It's efficient, too.

"Keep out of the reach of children."

You know, Sammy,

you shouldn't have to cut corners like this.

If you're having money problems, maybe we can help.

Come here, you guys.

Listen, you remember that raise I gave you guys a couple of weeks ago?

How much does it really mean to you?

More than my children's lives.

Okay, Carla gets to keep her raise.

What do you say, Woody?

Well, I suppose I can put it off a couple of months

- if it would help. - Oh, yeah.

Thanks, man, you're a brick.

In return for this concession, I think the group medical plan

should be expanded to include dental.

I'm just barely keeping my head above water here.

What are you doing to me?

You're acting like selfish, greedy leeches.

Well, why should we work here then, huh?

Because we're family, honey.

Why is everybody treating me like I'm the biggest jerk on earth?

Don't worry about them, Sammy, okay?

You're the owner here. You have responsibilities.

If they can't handle that, that's their problem.

- Yeah. Thanks. - Can I have another beer, please?

I can't run a tab anymore.

I'm going to have to take cash on this.

Or maybe you are the biggest jerk on earth!

Maybe you are!

Fine, you know. Just fine.

You know, what do you guys want from me, huh?

Free medical plans? Raises all around?

How about free beer and all the pretzels you can eat?

Can I get you anything else?

- Can we have fondue night? - No!

Not everybody likes fondue.

- Hi. - Hi, Miss Howe.

Oh, Woody, you don't work for me anymore.

You don't need to call me Miss Howe.

Just call me Rebecca.

Hi, Rebecca.

Rebecca. I kind of like that.

What do you think, Norm?

Now, now, Woody. Come on.

I'm sorry, Mr. Peterson.

It's just not me, Miss Howe.

Oh, great. There you are.

I can't stay long. I only have a few minutes.

What's wrong with the computer?

Oh, nothing, really, I just can't get those little green letters

to pop up on the screen.

Well, did you try booting it up?

Yeah, I did plenty of that.

Sam, you can call me stupid,

but I think if Miss Howe was still around here,

she could take care of all this technical stuff.

You're stupid.

I said Sam could call me stupid, not you.

I don't know if that's a good idea, Woody.

I said you could call me stupid, not my idea.

Doesn't anybody listen around here?

You don't think I don't want Rebecca back here managing the bar?

I'd love it, man. But she quit. She's never gonna come back here.

Well, Sam, you'll never know unless you offer her the job.

Yeah, right. Hey, how would you guys feel

about Rebecca managing this place again?

Well, would it raise the price of beer?

- No. - Then what do we care?

All right, that's a good idea. I'll offer her the job.

Oh, good. Did you find out what was wrong?

Yeah, the disk was in backwards, and the keyboard connection was loose.

Also, you had picked it up and thrown it on the ground.

Wow, Rebecca, you are so great.

You've got this real knack for managing.

What are you doing the rest of the day?

What are you doing the rest of the week?

I'm going to work.

- You got a job? - Yeah. Didn't I tell you guys?

Yeah, and it could turn out to be something real exciting.

Oh, wow! What are you doing?

Well, I'm in public relations now.

- Good for you! - Yeah.

I mean, it doesn't mean I'll never see you guys.

I can still come in here as a customer. Of course, with work and all,

I mean, I can't stay for ten, 12 hours in a stretch like you guys.

Oh, that's okay. You can be in the part-timers club.

They sit over there.

When you're ready to commit, you'll let us know.

Yeah. Like Phil there, he's right on the verge.

Well, I better get back. I've already been gone ten minutes.

Ten minutes? She'll never make the cut.

Bye-bye.

Yeah, it would have been nice to have her back in the bar.

Come to think of it, you know, how much work would there be

for her really to do? I mean, do I really need a manager?

I got a truckload of sorghum for a Sam Malone.

I didn't say I wanted sorghum. I said I wanted some more gum.

God, I hate voice mail.

That's not my problem. Where do you want me to put this?

I don't know. What is sorghum anyway?

It's grain, Sam. It's used to feed livestock.

Say, if I put it in a bowl, would those guys eat it?

Are you kidding?

I was late putting down the beer nuts last night,

Mr. Peterson almost snapped off my thumb.

Fill 'em up.

Woody, this new trail mix is great.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Could you slide another bowl down, please?

Hey, you might want to mix

a raw egg in there, Mr. Peterson. Makes your coat nice and shiny.

What?

Oh, nothing.

Hey, guys, listen up here for a second.

I want you to meet someone here.

It's your new manager. This is Earl.

- Hey. - Hey, Earl.

Earl used to play shortstop for the Cubs.

All right! One of us, huh?

You guys from Chicago?

Nah. They're all losers.

Boy, that sounds like a nasty cold you got there, son,

And still you're out there delivering the mail?

I got a lot of respect for you guys.

Sammy, give this guy a raise.

Earl, get out from behind there. Come on, have a seat.

Oh, don't sit me down in a bar. I'll never get up.

It's either that or go home to the wife.

And God knows I hate to do that.

Do you have the other half of this amulet?

Looks like you found a home here, Earl.

Oh, well, thanks, Sam.

Why don't you find me an apron and I'll get started here.

Holy moly, the man handles computers, he tends bar...

Anything you need me for, son.

Whoa, would you catch a look at that babe?

Where at? Where at?

In the pool room kind of behind that pole.

Boy, you do have good eyes.

You sure you played for the Cubs?

Well, guys, I hope I do as well as your last manager.

You're probably going to want to set your sights a wee bit higher.

Come on, guys, guys, guys. Rebecca's doing great now.

Our old manager moved on to bigger and better things.

Nothing can hurt a car treated with Miracle Buff,

absolutely nothing.

Watch me pour acid on this car and wipe it right off.

That's right.

Nothing can penetrate the mirror-like luster of Miracle Buff.

Not even...

...fire.

You people are just going to have to take my word

for it this time, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen, I have to take a break now,

but our next demonstration will be in... one minute?!

- I just get so afraid up there. - We're afraid for you,

but that's what makes the auto show so exciting.

Hey, huh?

Is this great, to cut out from work like this?

Yeah. With Earl at the bar, you know, we can stay here all day.

Oh, Sam, check it out, sheepskin covers.

What are you doing, man? Why are you buying

all this vinyl cleaner, leather cleaner, I mean, sheepskin?

You don't even have a car.

I know, Sam, but most of my furniture comes from the interior of cars.

I got to be careful when I shave,

because objects may be closer than they appear.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the next Miracle Buff demonstration will commence in ten seconds.

Oh, my God. Look at that. That's Rebecca.

She's working the auto show!

Wow! She does have a great job. She's Miss Miracle Buff.

I don't think she'd want us to see her like this.

Just keep out of sight.

"Miracle Buff, the amazing discovery

that will make your car's finish last a lifetime.

For safety reasons,

we can't actually simulate a nuclear blast,

but we have already shown that acid and fire

are no match for Miracle Buff."

Unlike human skin.

Sam, I don't think I can keep up this pace.

I'm still dizzy from being knocked in the face

from that airbag demonstration.

I think I'm going to go over to the RVS and lie down.

Now you're probably all saying to yourself,

"Hey, Miss Miracle Buff, would the same thing apply to..."

...boiling tar?

No way. No, forget it. You get me some oven mitts.

He won't even give me any oven mitts.

I am making a lousy six bucks an hour.

I mean, that will not even cover the skin grafts.

I'm not doing this anymore. This is it.

You're not getting paid for this.

Look, buddy. I am carrying a boiling bucket of tar.

It's okay. It's all right. It's okay. It's okay.

Oh, Sam. Could this all be a bad dream?

No, honey. This is the auto show.

My friends.

Thanks to my buddy Earl's amazing cold remedy,

you are looking at the picture of perfect health.

Every sinus cavity in my head is clear and dry...

Well, not dry, but moist enough to be comfortable.

Glad you're feeling better, Cliff ie.

Ah, thank you.

Did this particular cold, did this start out

with a funny taste up in the back of your mouth?

The old acid in the adenoids.

Scratchy throat?

Yucky coating on the tongue?

Sounds like an epidemic.

My friends, I don't want to be an alarmist,

but tonight, if you live through it,

is going to be the worst night in your entire lives.

First the cold sweats, the pounding headache...

Cliff, I don't want to hear this.

Don't worry, Norm. In a few hours, your ears will be so clogged,

you won't be able to hear anything.

Cliff Clavin, you gave us this cold and I'm going to get you for it.

You're not going to know when, but I'll be there.

Oh, Carla, I'll know when.

I'll hear your liquid-filled lungs wheezing a mile away.

Hey, hey, everybody.

Hey, Earl.

Hey, Norm, do me a favor, will you?

Let me know how this tastes.

It's great. What did you do?

Well, I adjusted the pressure in the kegs

and then I cleaned out all the lines.

Earl, how do you like the sound of this?

Mrs. Earl Peterson.

Think about it. Come on.

I don't know why you guys are falling all over yourselves about this Earl.

So he's a nice guy. Big deal.

Carla, excuse me, I noticed

you've been carrying your tray a little low.

Are your shoulders tense?

Let me just... if you don't mind, let me just...

Oh, that is the best I have ever felt

without ending up with a baby.

It wasn't just the acid, Sam.

It was the fire and the simulated hailstorm

and the live pigeons. 12 times a day,

I rubbed and I rubbed and I rubbed and I rubbed.

Come on, Miss Howe, the auto show couldn't have been that bad.

Woody, I don't have any fingerprints left!

Sit in here and calm down.

Rebecca was working at the auto show?

Yeah, she was Miss Miracle Buff.

Don't let the fancy title fool you.

She was pitching snake oil like a side-show geek.

Woody, what did she do?

As near as I could tell, everything but bite the head off a live chicken.

Of course, we got there late.

It's an indestructible space-age polymer, Sam,

and it's in my hair.

Why didn't you come to us? I mean, come on. The auto show?

Because I was ashamed.

- And I really wanted to find a good job. - Oh, honey, I know. I know.

It's just that no corporation will hire me because of my involvement with Robin.

I mean, it was either that or selling myself on the streets.

All right. So I made the wrong choice.

Listen, whatever, you know.

You got a job here managing if you want.

- I do? - Yeah.

Oh, Sam, thank you. I'll do a great job for you.

A jolly good fellow For Earl's a jolly good fellow

For Earl's a jolly good fellow

Shoot. I forgot about Earl.

- Who is Earl? - A jolly good fellow.

Well, I know that, Sam.

He's working here now. He's a real nice guy.

We all got close to him real fast. He's like a father figure to all of us.

Are you sure you gave the auto show a chance?

Sam.

You got the job, you got the job.

Swell. And, you know, I bet I'll grow to love Earl

just as much as everybody else does.

So what do you want me to do first?

Fire Earl.

You fired Earl.

Norm! Norm!

Norm. Norm.

Sam, did you send this poor little lady out here to fire me?

No.

All right. I'd never lie to you, Earl. Yes, yes, but don't you see,

Rebecca's our friend and she needs the job.

And I can't afford to hire both of you.

And I'm sure you can go out and get a job some place.

Well, of course I can, Sam. I just wish you'd told me to my face

instead of handling it this way.

I'm a little disappointed in you.

Please don't say that.

I'm more than happy to step aside. I understand the importance of loyalty.

You know, I've always believed that the only way to run a business

or a friendship or, hell, a life is through loyalty

and commitment to other people.

Gee, that's just what my father always used to say.

Ah, your father was right, missy.

Hey, why don't you pick up a phone and give him a call.

Well...

So long, everybody.

Bye, Earl!

Well, back to work.

Sammy, that was Earl that just walked out of here.

- Hey! - Yeah.

I know, I know that. But I had to hire Rebecca back.

I mean, she's our friend.

I can't afford both of them, don't you see?

I mean, I had to go with a personal decision here.

I'm sorry. I just hope you can live with it.

Wait, wait, Sam, Sam! One question...

What?

Is this going to raise the price of beer?

- No. - Then what do we care?

Welcome back, Rebecca.

For she's a jolly good fellow

For she's a jolly good fellow...

Shut up! I can't hear Daddy!