Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Man, how about all that stuff that's going on over at Cheers?

- What's that? - You don't know about that?

Well, Rebecca, the babe who runs the place,

you know, she's been dating Robin Colcord, the multimillionaire.

Well, he tried to pull a hostile takeover of her corporation.

She was implicated in the deal. So, the corporation dumped her.

Guess who ended up owning Cheers?

- Sam Malone. - You're kidding.

Wait. You haven't heard the best part.

Now, Colcord skipped the country.

So, Rebecca's ended up having to take a waitress job...

...at Cheers.

Wow! Burt, where do you get this stuff, anyway?

I got my sources.

Another round on the house, Mr. Peterson?

Thank you very much.

Is Rebecca in her office?

I thought you ditched her and skipped the country.

I did, but I've come back.

I finally realized what Rebecca means to me.

What use is my money or my freedom

if I don't have the woman I love?

Rebecca!

I'm back!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Rebecca, what is going on in here?

Robin, I can explain.

Wait a minute.

My button's caught in your zipper.

Robin, I can't explain.

It's my own fault.

For all you knew, I was never coming back again.

I left the way clear for something like this to happen.

But Robin, nothing did happen.

- Nothing? - No, nothing.

Okay. Something almost happened, but I would never betray you.

I love you.

We didn't do anything,

did we, Sam?

Yeah.

What she said.

Hey, jailbird, your lawyer's on the phone.

Your lawyer?

Yes. I've made arrangements to turn myself in.

Oh, Robin.

I'll wait for you.

I won't have any money when I come out.

That doesn't matter. I'll help you rebuild your fortune.

Yeah. Just look at what she's done with this bar.

Oh, shut up.

Boy, just because you lose a few billion bucks

is no reason to cop a 'tude.

I guess I should go see if Robin needs any help.

- Sure. - Sam.

Thank you for lying about...

...you know.

Yeah. It's okay.

Thank you for...

...you know.

I just think it's the right thing to do,

the lying, I mean, not the...

...you know.

Well, that, too.

But anyway,

well, see you.

See you.

Your button.

Yeah. Thank you.

Well, my attorney's spoken to the prosecutor, and I...

...I have to go.

Can't we at least wait till morning?

No, my attorney says that if I turn myself in now,

I can avoid a media circus.

Do you have any idea what these sleazy tabloids

would pay for a picture of Robin Colcord, the fugitive?

Okay.

Let's try another one, only this time, look a little bit more guilty.

Guilty?

What do you guys think, huh?

- I'm finished. - With what, Sam?

With putting my old stuff back on the wall.

- It was gone? - Yeah, it was gone.

Three years gone, man.

Rebecca had her stuff up there.

Are you so taken with your own lives

you don't notice the changes going on around here?

Sammy, we notice the important things, all right?

By the way, is Diane coming in today?

Come on. Give this man a drink.

Sammy, I just... I just realized.

I forgot to call Ma and tell her the good news.

You know how she loves you. Boy, she's gonna be tickled pink

when she hears you got the bar back.

Hello, Ma?

Guess who the new owner of Cheers is.

No, it's not me. It's Sam.

Well, I'm still a mailman, Ma.

Well, I know you had high hopes for me, Ma,

but I couldn't finish college, and that's all there is to it!

She was thrilled.

Hey, Woody, it says here

you and Carla haven't had a raise for over two years.

That's right, Sam.

I guess that's why I've been so darn moody lately.

Well, that's one of the things that are going to change around here.

Starting tomorrow, you guys get a $20 a week raise.

Wow! Thanks, Sam.

Another thing here, while I'm at it, to celebrate the new management,

I am wiping out everybody's bar tab.

Sam Malone,

I am not a man for mushy sentiment,

but I want you to know something.

If you ever need a liver donor, I've got one like yea big.

Woody.

Round of drinks on the house for everybody.

All right.

All right! Great!

- Hi, Sam. - Oh... hi.

Didn't expect to see you waitressing here today

with your billionaire boyfriend back in town.

Well, it's only temporary until I find a good job.

You know what they say,

better a temporary dead end stupid job than no job at all.

Ah, just what every employer wants to hear.

If you excuse me, I'm going to take these plants of yours

out to the woods and give them their freedom.

So, what's new, Miss Howe?

Well, I just got back from visiting Robin in jail.

They're not going to let him out on bail

since he jumped bond earlier.

And they're going to charge him a huge penalty

even if he pleads guilty.

I don't think they're going to give that poor guy any breaks at all.

I got a raise.

You deserve it, Woody.

I deserved it two years ago.

Who was the boss then? Let me think.

Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Boy, of all days

for my kids to handcuff me to the water heater.

Why? What's the big deal about today?

Didn't Sam tell you what happened in the office last night?

No, what?

He and Rebecca were in there a might long time,

and that place was racked.

He didn't mention a thing.

Really? Maybe he's saving all the dirty details for me.

He's such a gentleman.

Well, fellas, that's the bell announcing Clavin's mid morning brain twister.

Oh? You going to get up and try to walk again?

Is this going to be along the same lines

as yesterday's little pearl?

If the Lennon Sisters, the Maguire Sisters,

and the Andrews Sisters all came to a four-way stop,

which would have the right of way?

Oh, no, no, no.

This one is based in historical fact.

Now, listen up.

How would the Civil War have changed

if Lincoln had had octopus tentacles instead of a beard?

For God's sake, Cliff!

There is no practical answer to that question.

Now, wait, wait, wait.

We could assume the Gettysburg Address

would have been written on the back of eight envelopes.

Very good. Very good answer, Normie.

Also he could have disarmed John Wilkes Booth

and still applauded the play.

Now, in a related query,

what if Herbert Hoover was able to expand his face like a blowfish?

What were you guys talking about?

Former presidents with fish parts in their faces.

Come on. You really expect me to believe you were talking

- about something that stupid? - Where have you been all these years?

Hello!

I know what you were doing.

You were trying to cover up the fact

that you were gossiping about me. And as soon as I turn my back

you will go on about Sam and I in that office last night.

Didn't I tell you? I knew something happened.

Whoa, guys, you think Sammy finally bagged Rebecca?

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Oh, hey, sorry, Rebecca, I'm sorry.

This is just guy talk. You know?

Carla, you think he finally bagged Rebecca?

Yeah!

There he is. Why don't we ask him?

Sammy, last night... you, the Howitzer, in the office.

Yeah. Yeah. Come on, Sam.

Come on, eh?

Guys, guys, that's tacky.

Sam, we know that. It says it above the door. Come on.

All right. if you must know...

...nothing happened. End of story.

I guess nothing did happen.

I guess not.

Sammy would never withhold that information.

No, he lives to talk about that stuff.

- We live to hear about it. - Yep.

Eh, it's a symbiotic relationship, much like that between the shark

and the tiny pilot fish that constantly swims around its mouth

picking out little bits of meat.

I suppose you're now going to tell me

that if George Washington had had a pilot fish,

he wouldn't have needed wooden dentures.

Now you're getting up to speed, Dr. Crane.

Yeah, yeah.

And then he could have swum across the Delaware

to defeat the Hessians.

Oh, Dr. Crane, try to understand.

It's only the president's face that changes.

It's not like he grew fins or something.

- Sam. - Oh, hi.

I... wanted to thank you for your discretion.

What do you mean?

Well, not telling Robin about us was one thing,

but not telling all those goons out there,

I know that was a real sacrifice.

- No, no big deal. - Yes, it is.

I know how much you love to crow to all your friends

about your great romantic encounters.

Rebecca, believe me, it was nothing.

Wait. Not telling them was nothing,

or the great romantic encounter was nothing?

What? Oh, the not telling them, of course.

No, the romantic stuff was great.

Wasn't it? You know, I mean,

I don't mean to be disloyal to Robin or anything, but...

...it was one of the most powerful things

that's ever happened to me in my life.

Really? You need to get out more, hon.

What?

Well, you mean you didn't like it?

No, I said I did, didn't I?

No, it was great. I like... I really, really liked it a lot.

But what?

I...

I don't know. It's like...

Maybe I was looking forward to it too much, you know?

Like when you're really excited about a new movie or something?

Like The Bad News Bears. Remember that?

For weeks, people kept coming up and telling me

what a great movie it was, but when I finally went to see it...

So, it wasn't that great?

No, it was just Tatum O'Neal throwing a ball around.

Not that.

Oh, you mean us?

I told you, I... really, it was fine, honey.

Fine? But it was a letdown, like The Bad News Bears.

No! It was...

...much better than The Bad News Bears.

Maybe I was a little off.

I don't... You know? I knew that I'd been depressed,

and I'd been crying a couple of days, and...

- Wait a minute. - What?

I know what you're doing.

You are trying to convince me that I wasn't good in bed

so I will go to bed with you again to prove how good I can be.

- I swear to you, Rebecca... - No! Wait a minute.

We did it once, and that's all we're gonna do it.

And no matter how much we might want it,

and no matter how great it was for both of us,

- we're never doing it again. - Fine.

- I mean it. Never again. - Gotcha.

You should listen to me. There is no more.

I hear you, and I agree with you.

It was a terrific moment that you and I had together,

but the truth is, you know, I can see that you love Robin

and Robin loves you, so truthfully, I'm... liberated.

I feel... I feel good.

I just hope we can, you know, remain friends.

Oh, get your mind out of your pants.

Wait, wait, wait. Come back here.

Listen, I wasn't trying to do anything there.

Oh, stop caressing me!

I have had it with this constant sexual harassment.

I am quitting this job, and I'm never coming back here.

Me, too, man.

20 lousy bucks after two years.

Man, I'm out of here. Wait up, Miss Howe.

Woody! Woody.

That was a personal thing between me and Rebecca.

It had nothing to do with your raise.

- Still, 20 lousy bucks. - All right. Fine.

25. Now, let's get back to work.

- Come on. - Hey. Keep your hands off me.

Wait, wait, wait a minute, Sammy, look.

Rebecca just said she was leaving here

and never coming back.

Yeah, that's right.

Oh, man, this is terrible.

What?

Sammy finally struck out for real.

What are you talking about here?

We all knew it was taking a long time,

but we thought that eventually

you two would be doing the horizontal hokey-pokey.

But I guess that's it, huh? Lower the flag.

End of an era.

First the communist block crumbles, and now Sammy's studhood.

Yep. Guess that's it.

Wait. What...

No, it's not.

Come here. Come on. All of you.

I want you to step in the office here,

and I'll show you where we...

...where we decided to put up some shelves.

You know, tall ones.

It'll be, you know, be great for books and some of my videotapes and...

It'll be nice.

Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

What I can't figure out is

why I don't want to tell any of my friends.

No, that's not true. I do want to, but, you know, I can't.

Why? That's...

You know, maybe it was such a letdown,

that I didn't feel like bragging about it.

Or maybe it was not a letdown,

and I was just ticked that she dumped me

as soon as her boyfriend walked in.

Or maybe she's right and I'm just trying to get her in the sack again.

I don't know. God! I just... I...

I'm just a simple guy trying to deal with this complex problem.

Or maybe I'm a complex guy trying to deal with a simple problem.

I don't know.

What do you think, Father?

Am I to understand that you had relations

with a woman who is not your wife?

Yes, that's...

That's correct, Father. What do I need to do?

Say three Hail Marys,

four Our Fathers, and nine rosaries.

Thank you, Father.

Nine rosaries. That's a lot.

We are cracking down.

You mean that I have to do that for each one of these beads?

Hey, it's not a religion for wusses.

You know, Sam,

we all feel kind of bad about what you're going through

and as much as we live vicariously through you when you score,

we also feel vicarious pain when you strike out.

So, what's the deal?

Are you gonna snap out of this by the weekend,

or do we have to go rent a Matt Helm movie?

I'm fine. Can we just drop this subject, please?

Sam, is something troubling you?

I mean, do you need to talk to someone?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do need to talk to someone.

I need to talk to everybody here.

I don't know why it's taken me so long to get this out here,

but last night, in that office, Rebecca Howe and I had...

...a disagreement

about those shelves that I was telling you about.

But, you know, I'm gonna put 'em up anyway.

You know, what the heck?

They'll be good for knickknacks and everything.

I think it will look fine.

Matt Helm never had to build shelves.

- Hi, Sam. - Hi.

I didn't expect to see you here.

I just came back for my final paycheck,

and there seems to be some mistake. It's only for $16.

Oh, darn those computers.

How could I make a mistake like that?

It's supposed to be for 6.00. You got a 10 on you?

This isn't about a silly check.

Give me the check.

This is about us.

What about us?

Sam, we have been friends for too long to let it end this way.

And I just came back to say

that I'm sorry I ran out earlier in a huff.

And that I knew you weren't coming on to me.

And that when you said I wasn't good,

that it wasn't just some trick to get me back into bed.

It was because you were being honest.

Because I am a lousy lover.

- No, sweetheart, you're not lousy. - No, Sam. It's all right.

It's not like I haven't heard it before.

I have to learn to accept it, you know?

Some people are bad at math,

- some people can't skip. - No, no.

You're a fantastic lover.

I am a dud, and I know it.

Robin just didn't realize it because he's English.

Listen, I wouldn't say you were good if you weren't.

Maybe I just, you know, wasn't too enthusiastic this morning

because my feelings were hurt.

I mean, the minute he comes in here, you act as if nothing happened.

No, no, Sam, that doesn't wash. You've been after me for three years.

And you finally got me.

I mean, if I was even adequate,

I know that you would've run out there and told every bozo in the bar.

You don't think I wasn't dying to do that? It was making me crazy.

It's just that I thought I'd be betraying our friendship.

I never really had a friend before.

You have lots of friends.

No, no. I've never "had" a friend before.

It's weird. I don't know how to behave.

I don't...

So you really, really did this out of respect for our friendship?

Sort of like you were being noble?

I... yeah, I guess so. I guess so.

And I wasn't lousy?

No, you were fantastic!

Look, you want me to prove it to you,

I'll go out there and tell them that we made love.

No, no, no, Sam, no.

It's enough just knowing you're willing to do that.

- No, I think you need more. - No!

No, no, no.

No, Sam, don't give up your nobility.

Aw, come on.

Let a noble guy have some fun here.

What?

Oh! I get it. You want to tell.

Yeah, it's a guy thing, you know? At least let me tell Carla.

- Okay, go ahead. - Really?

Yes, yes. You've done a lot for me. It's fine.

This friendship stuff is going to be fantastic.

Yes.

Hey, guys, listen up here.

Last night...

...Rebecca and I made love, and she was fabulous.

Well...

This has got to be the saddest day of my life.

What?

Sammy, you never had to resort to lying before.

What, you don't believe me, here?

First of all,

why would you wait a whole day to tell us?

And second of all...

...she was fabulous?

Sammy...

Come on, let's go look at those shelves.

No, no, really. I was being noble.

No, really, I was fabulous.