Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Well, I've got to run home and be a father for about an hour.

Where's Lilith?

Noted research psychologist Dr. Lilith Sternin Crane...

...has a singing lesson.

- Lilith sings? - It seems it's always bothered

my dear heart that she cannot sing...

As if that were her only character flaw.

And now with the baby,

she'd like to be able to sing him a lullaby

without frightening four years of growth out of him.

Don't put Lilith down for wanting to sing.

I think it's cool.

- You do? - Yeah.

I remember when I was 14, I sang the lead in my school choir.

It was one of the happiest times of my life.

It made me the most popular girl in school.

Really?

Of course, I never wore anything under my robe.

Yo, Woody!

Hey, Rebecca left a message for you about some...

...Terry who wants to meet with you about an ad in the paper.

Oh, yeah. I'm advertising for a roommate.

My landlord just raised my rent.

Why don't you just move?

Are you kidding? I love my neighborhood.

It's so quiet there.

Especially since the gangs started using silencers.

A great neighborhood just got even greater.

You be careful when you pick roommates now.

Being an old ballplayer, I'm kind of an expert on the subject.

The guys out there who just want to stay up all night,

play loud music, bring girls in at all hours...

Now these are the fun guys. These are the guys you want.

Hi. ls there a Woody Boyd here?

Yes, ma'am. What can I do for you?

Woody, I'm Terry Gardner.

I'm responding to your ad for a roommate.

When I heard the name Terry,

I automatically assumed it was a guy.

Oh. Well, if it bothers you that I'm not a guy...

No, don't go having some big expensive operation for me.

No, I meant that I would understand.

Oh, right.

Well, listen, you came all this way. Why don't you just sit down.

I'd better hear you out.

All right, let me tell you about myself.

I'm originally from Indiana.

I'm a dental assistant. I love to cook.

What else can I tell you? My daddy is a minister.

Will you excuse me for a moment?

Sure.

- Hey, guys. - Yeah, yeah, yeah?

She seems like the perfect roommate.

But I don't know.

The thought of having a girl for a roommate...

Well, I got a real problem with that.

Girlfriend wouldn't understand, huh?

Now I got two problems.

Oh, I get it. Your mom would disapprove.

Make that three problems.

What, do you have religious scruples?

Oh, great. Four problems.

What was your original problem, Woody?

Well, I like to sit on the couch

and leave the top button on my pants undone

after a good frozen meal.

I don't think Kelly would mind. If I'm not sleeping with her,

why would I be sleeping with someone else?

Wait a minute.

You've been going out with Kelly for over a year,

and you're not sleeping with her?

Of course not. That's the sort of thing

you wait to do after you're married.

Right, Mr. Peterson?

Oh, you keep believing that, Woody.

All right, I made up my mind.

Terry, you can move in.

Oh, great.

All right, here's an envelope.

It has my address and three keys in it.

One of the keys is for the doorknob.

One is for the security bolt, and one is for the deadbolt.

You can never be too careful.

- Won't you need a key? - No, I left the window open.

What? What are you looking at?

It's Robin Colcord

and that little tramp he's been seeing.

Oh, there's a picture of you in the paper?

No.

It's that little chargé d'affaires from the French Consulate.

Rebecca, I must tell you, this is not a healthy relationship you're in.

Stuck in a runoff with another woman

for Robin Colcord's affections, it's demeaning.

Although it's nothing compared to what I'd do

to have this exquisite creature grind her heel into my forehead.

My God!

Wow, look at that!

Boy, I've never seen anything quite like that.

Come on, now. How hot could she be?

Oh, give me that.

You guys, she's not that good-looking.

Oh, no?

I'll show you how good-looking she is.

Barry, what do you think of this babe?

I'd switch.

I hate her.

I wish she was dead.

What is she doing here? This is my town.

Jeanne-Marie is here for some Franco-American trade celebration.

All of Boston's elite is going to be there.

Plus one frog slut.

Jeanne-Marie.

Oh, the name just glides off the tongue.

Of course I hope it doesn't do that tonight

when I'm in the rack with Lilith.

Jeanne-Marie. I don't think that's such a hot name.

I think it's stupid.

It sounds like it's French for "Jan Murray."

Well, the French, they consider Jan Murray

the greatest comic genius of the 20th century.

No, they say that about Jerry Lewis.

Well, they're wrong, it's Jan Murray.

I wish I could go to that ball tonight

and see her in action,

See what Robin thinks is so damn special about her.

I'd love to be a fly on the wall.

I'd love to be a fly on the ceiling.

What's the difference?

Better view of those "cha-chas."

Wait a minute.

Why don't you go to that ball tonight?

- No, I... - Yes, yes, yes!

You go to the ball tonight, and then you come back

and report to me.

Here, wait a minute. Wait.

You take this money, and you buy yourself a ticket.

And then you come back here, and you report to me

and tell me everything about her.

No, I don't think I should do that.

Look, I'm not asking you to sacrifice anything.

You get to go out, dress up, have a great meal

and meet a beautiful French tramp.

All right, all right. I'm gonna do it, but...

I'm just doing this purely out of friendship.

You know something?

It doesn't feel half bad.

You know, for once, I think I'm doing something

that's not just for my own selfish pleasure.

It's kind of like...

It's like I'm doing it for a higher purpose.

Yeah, I'm kind of like that old nun. What's that babe's name?

- Mother Teresa? - Yeah, right.

- Hey, guys. - Sam.

Sam, did you see Jeanne-Marie last night?

What was she like?

Rebecca...

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Quit thanking me and just give me details.

There are no details.

Well, she did kind of detail me, I guess.

You slept with her?

Oh, get real. Who could sleep with all that sex going on?

You pig!

How was she?

Was she good or was she bad?

Please tell me she was bad.

Well, let me put it to you this way.

Imagine all the nuclear warheads in the world going off

all at the same time, exactly when the sun explodes.

Yeah?

Big deal.

So what did she do that was so special?

I mean, I know a lot of things.

Honey, she's a little beyond the Ann Landers petting guide.

So what was it that she did?

I don't think I can tell you exactly what she did...

Or how or when.

You know, I suppose I could show you.

- Oh, God. - What?

Forget it. I am sure I'm gonna go to bed with you

so I can see how some stupid French girl makes love.

Hey, I was just thinking about you, you know?

Maybe I could pass on a few secrets of what made it

the most incredible night of sex I've ever had.

Remember, I was a ball player.

Sammy, come on.

Tell us the rest of the stuff, huh?

I'm sorry, guys. Actually, I never met Jeanne-Marie.

The water main broke in the Grand Ballroom.

They canceled the whole party.

Wait a second now.

You just made up all that sex stuff?

Yeah.

Sam, all the other sex stuff

that you've told us through the years...

- That's all true, right? - Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Cause our lives pretty much revolve around those stories.

I know that, fellas. I know.

I just want to know one thing. If none of this hot sex stuff

with Jeanne-Marie ever really happened,

then why are you torturing Rebecca with it?

Gee, knowing me, there must be some reason.

He's got a reason.

Here it comes. Here it comes.

You don't suppose it could be that I know how insecure Rebecca feels

about her sexuality,

or how inferior she feels to this Jeanne-Marie girl,

or to what lengths she might go to acquire...

how shall I say this... French lessons from Monsieur Sammy?

You know, Sam, I think you've tried

some pretty inane things to seduce Rebecca.

But this one doesn't even have a toehold on reality.

Do you really think she's that insecure about Robin's affections

that she would actually go to bed with you

just to learn Jeanne-Marie's erotic secrets?

Sam, could I see you in my office privately?

Sure, honey.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, way off base.

Gentlemen, I think Sammy company is about to invade France.

- Hi. - Hi.

Sam, I never thought it would come to this,

but now I see I'm going to have to eat crow

and ask something that I never thought I'd have to ask, especially of you.

Don't say another word, Rebecca.

I'll order more vermouth right away.

- No, Sam, it's not that. - Oh. Something else?

Something of a more personal nature, perhaps?

You're going to make me ask you this, aren't you?

Yeah.

All right, fine. I...

I want to be as good in bed as Jeanne-Marie.

Are we out of vermouth?

No.

All right, class, so you want to learn

all about the wonderful art of love, eh?

Now, you're going to need lab partners for this.

There's an odd number of you.

I guess the professor's going to have to participate, won't he.

Sam, be serious. Come on. This means a lot to me.

All right. All right.

Now, just tell me, what was the first thing she did

when you got in her bedroom?

Actually, we never got to the bedroom.

You did it in the hall?

No. What kind of woman do you think she is?

We did it in the elevator.

The elevator?

Yeah. I was afraid at first myself,

being in a public place like that, but she was so insistent.

She said the danger would heighten the excitement of it all.

She kept whispering in my ear and saying

we could be discovered at any second.

Amazing stuff.

I mean, at first, I was against it...

"lt" being the rail.

And then before I knew what was happening,

she took this scarf from around her hair,

and she wrapped it around my wrist and tied me to the rail.

I said, 'Hey, what are you doing?" She just laughed.

I tell you, I've never felt so... powerless and in control

at the same time.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Then she leaned in closer, and we started to...

Miss Howe, we're out of vermouth.

No, we're not, Woody. Get out of here, man.

Well, where is it, Sam? The matinee just let out,

and there's a busload of old ladies screaming for martinis.

Woody, there's a case of it

on the second shelf in the storeroom, all right?

Ladies, put the mailman down.

Sam, you were right. This isn't going to work.

- Yes, no... - No, you have to show me.

What?

I love Robin. I need him.

- I'll do anything to keep him. - Oh, yeah.

I need to be as good in bed as that French girl, or better.

I need to experience everything just the way you and Jeanne-Marie did...

The hotel, the scarf, the elevator.

- The elevator? - Yes!

That's the only way I'm going to learn, I guess.

- I'm going to go get my car. - Now?

Oh, God. Maybe we should think this over.

No, no, no. Thinking's bad.

Go, go, go.

Thank you, Sam. Thank you.

You're welcome. You're welcome.

Oh. Oh, God...

Did she fall for it?

Hook, line, and... Sammy.

Do you believe this?

Did you ever think this day would come?

As a matter of fact, I never had any doubt there, Carla.

Behold a sealed envelope.

Will you please open it and read the contents.

"I, Sam Malone, will sleep with Rebecca Howe

on the night of April 19th, 1990."

When did you write this?

This morning. I write a new one every day.

Woody, I'll have a cup of java and an iced tea for...

What did you say your name was again?

Liza Minnelli?

Why all this resentment over my singing lessons?

Is it jealousy over my desire to strengthen the mother-child bond,

reluctance to part with even a few hours

of your precious freedom, or is it merely that you're a jerk?

Look at this, Normie, the singing nightingale.

You told them about my singing?

Well, everyone was asking why my hair was falling out in clumps, yes.

So...

How are the singing lessons coming, huh?

Just fine, thank you.

Now, Lilith, you are being too modest. They're going splendidly.

Why, just this afternoon, Lilith received

a romantic proposition from a young moose.

From Northern Quebec, wasn't it, dear?

You were pointed in that direction, weren't you?

Jest, if you will,

but it takes a certain amount of courage

to expose one's inner soul through vocalization.

Especially with that ahooga horn you call a voice.

Oh, stop it, all of you!

I've had enough of this.

You don't know how well I sing. You've never even heard me.

Why don't you give us a little demonstration there, Lilith?

You think I'm ashamed?

You want this opportunity to make more fun of me?

We were hoping, yeah.

Well, I rise to your challenge.

I'm going to sing Frederick's favorite song,

made famous by Al Jolson.

We ain't heard nothing yet.

When there are gray skies

I don't mind the gray skies

You make them blue, sonny boy

Friends may forsake me

Let them all forsake me

You'll pull us through, sonny boy

You're sent from heaven...

I'm going to go give my ma a call.

You've made a heaven

For me right here on earth...

Yeah, I think I...

When I'm old and gray, dear

This is beautiful.

Promise you won't stray, dear...

I'm going to send my ma some flowers.

I'm going to go rent "The Jazz Singer."

Sonny boy

Lilith, I apologize. That was just lovely.

I've never heard your voice filled with such tenderness and emotion.

Why have you never sung to me like that?

Because your breath doesn't smell like cookies.

No, ma, Cliff... Cliff Clavin.

Hey, Woody.

Hey, Terry, what are you doing here?

I just wanted to give you back your keys.

I'm moving out.

What's the matter? What'd I do?

Nothing. You couldn't have been a better roommate.

You left me alone, which is just what I needed.

I had time to think.

I've decided I'm going back to my husband.

Husband?

Yeah, we had a big fight yesterday. I needed someplace to stay.

See, we were arguing again over his awful temper

and his fits of crazy jealous rage.

But we worked it all out.

By the way, Woody,

he wants to meet the guy I spent the night with.

Oh, well, God, I'd love to,

but I... you know, this is my break,

and I usually like to spend this time running as fast as I can.

Woody?

Woody Boyd.

Cutter Gardner.

Oh, you know my husband. I'll go wait in the truck.

Hey, Woody, I heard you moved out here

and became a bartender. Is that true?

- Yeah. - Ha! We didn't believe it.

Somebody's daddy owes me five bucks.

You're in great shape. You still working out?

Oh, yeah.

This guy once lifted a tractor off a guy's leg.

He put it on his throat.

Well, I'd like to spend all day here

chewing the fat with you, but I got to find the guy

who spent last night with my wife and just bash in his brains.

Do you know who it is?

Mr. Clavin, we're still friends and all, but run.

- That's him! - No! No!

So this is the elevator.

Oh, yeah. The ecstasy express.

So, what floor you want to be stranded between here?

Where were you with Jeanne-Marie?

Who? Oh...

We were somewhere by the penthouse area.

- We worked our way down. - Oh. The penthouse.

What'd you do on the way up?

Oh, a lot of this...

Hi.

Hey, kid.

- What floor you going to? - The penthouse.

Oh, yeah?

Look, here's five bucks. Walk up, will you?

- But it's 40 floors. - You're young. Go on.

So where were we?

Boy, you're really into this, aren't you?

What do you say I make sure we don't get interrupted again.

Okay.

So when do you want me to do that thing

where I tie your wrist?

Oh, we don't have to do that scarf thing.

Why don't we just pretend?

Well, if you want to pretend, why don't I just go home?

No, no. Here. Here.

I hope I can remember this. Okay.

Right, over left, and under and around.

Actually, the under and around part comes later.

All right, I put it back here.

I've never done anything like this before.

Ow! A little snug, isn't it?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll never be as good as Jeanne-Marie.

Oh, don't say that. Snug is good.

Yeah. Oh, snug's very good.

Then what did she do? Loosen up some clothes?

- Yeah, lots of that. - Okay. Then you go first.

I see how this could be exciting.

Okay, I've got it. I've got it. Wait. The pants. That's good.

Oh, yes. This is good.

Yeah!

This is just fantastic. Now you go. You go.

- You want me to go? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, bye. See you tomorrow.

Wait.

What do you mean? What are you doing?

I mean that I know about the water pipe,

and I know about Jeanne-Marie,

and I know that the only reason you asked me here

was so that you could play elevator.

How did you find out about the water pipe?

- It was in the newspaper. - Shoot!

Just when I thought you were being my friend,

you go and do something sleazy like this.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Oh, yeah, honey. I'm...

I'm so very ashamed. I...

I've learned my lesson. I really have.

Could you untie me, please?

- Please? - The knot's too tight.

Maybe there's some sailor in the lobby that can untie it for you.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey.

That's the man who pushed me.

Give me my five bucks back, will you?