Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

I'm sorry, Sam. All right, I'll tell Miss Howe.

What's the matter with Sammy?

He's not feeling well. He ain't gonna be in today.

Oh, a girl.

He probably won't be in tomorrow, either.

Two girls.

He might not be in the whole week.

The Laker Girls.

No, it's serious.

He thinks he might have chicken pox.

Chicken pox. That's...

...pretty painful for an adult and highly contagious, too.

Okay, ladies, now, remember,

no matter how much I beg you, don't scratch me.

Okay.

- Let me have a beer. - Sure.

Is Sam around?

No, he's not feeling well. He won't be in today.

- What's wrong? - Well, I miss him.

Hey, Carla, check it out. Look who's here.

Oh, my God.

Darryl Mead, number 43 for the Sox,

batted .270 last year.

You should see him in a pair of leather chaps.

When did you ever see him in a pair of leather chaps?

Last night in my hot, sweaty dreams.

Wait a minute.

It was rodeo night.

So go over there and ask him out, huh?

- What do you say? - No.

Come on, Carla.

I'm not the kind of girl who can just walk up

to some guy and say "hi."

Why, Carla, what a refreshing thing to hear from someone like you.

Well, why bother saying "hi' when it's tattooed on your thigh?

Where were you when I was in college?

Carla!

- Darryl! You remembered me. - How could I forget?

You know, I saw you last night. You were sensational.

We didn't play a game last night.

Well, you sure scored.

So, Carla, you still married?

No, I'm a widow now.

My husband passed away several months ago.

Oh, gee, Carla, I'm so sorry. I remember seeing Eddie play hockey.

He was the quickest goalie on the ice.

- I'm really sorry about your loss. - Yeah, thanks.

It's been a few months, but I'm still wearing black.

- No, you're not. - Darryl, trust me.

- Beer? - Yeah.

All right.

Looks like Cupid just shot his arrow

- through Carla's heart. - Yeah.

When did Carla get a heart?

Well, kudos to Carla.

It's healthy after a time to curtail one's grieving

and recommence an interest in the opposite sex.

I know if my Frasier were taken from me

in an unforeseen tragedy, I would certainly date again

after an acceptable period of bereavement.

That gives me a warm fuzzy.

There'd be no sense in being overly emotional, darling.

You'd be dead and rotting in a box.

Woody, may I have another beer,

and would you check on the robot over there,

see if it's thirsty?

Dr. Crane, that's your wife. Don't talk about her like that.

What can I get you Dr. Sternin-Crane?

Another quart of Valvoline?

Oh, look, you people, stop it.

I am not a robot.

Guess what, you guys? I'm going to be on television.

All right. What for?

Because I wrote a letter to Consumer Patrol.

Consumer Patrol, with your host Art Steckler.

No, no, don't you remember?

Art Steckler got killed last month testing that new electric blanket.

He got electrocuted, huh?

No, no, no. His wife shot him

when she found him under it with his secretary.

They'd been off the air for something like a month

searching for a new host.

Whereas Lilith would have found one the next day.

So, what were you complaining about, Miss Howe?

Thank you for asking, Woody.

Last month I purchased a Lady Baldy.

A what?

It's this electronic device for women

and it's used to pull leg hairs out by the roots.

I am telling you, this monster chewed my legs to bits.

You know, Consumer Patrol has had a lot of reports from other women

about the exact same thing,

but they chose me to appear on television.

You must have written a very eloquent letter.

Yes, I think I did.

Also, I took a piece of stationery

and smacked it against my bloody, mangled legs

and sent them that, too.

Guys, you're not going to believe this.

Darryl Mead just asked me out again.

You and Darryl Mead. That is H-O-T.

I know!

Boy, you know, this feels weird.

What?

My first date since Eddie's death.

Carla, it's perfectly natural

to be reticent about reentering the dating scene,

but, you've... you've mourned a respectful amount of time.

You know, I know of some women

who would shimmy right out of that black dress

and start flirting with the embalmer.

Now I think it's time for you to take those first tentative steps

back into social interaction

and, dare I say it, romance.

You know, Frase, you're right. Eddie's gone, and I'm here.

Come on, Darryl, let's barrel.

- Great. Let me just settle up. - All right. I'll get a cab.

Carla, what is it?

Nothing.

Guess it was just the wind.

All right, Lilith, let's just have out with it once and for all.

Should I pass on, just who is it you'd be smacking your lips at

over my open casket?

For God's sake, Frasier, all right.

If you were to die, I would weep for days on end,

wear black till the end of my life,

and never, ever, ever let another man touch me

as long as I live.

This I would do in loving remembrance of you. Okay?

Now, was that so hard?

Hey, you guys, what do you think?

Is this dress all right for Consumer Patrol?

Why wouldn't it be?

I'm just afraid that the audience might be so distracted by my dress,

that they won't listen to what I have to say.

That's ridiculous. Just state your case.

All these people care about is the grievous, bodily damage

that this product has inflicted on your sensitive...

...firm... milky white flesh.

I just hope I'm prepared.

I don't want this guy to throw me any curve balls.

Well, you want me to ask you some practice questions?

Oh, sure, if you don't mind.

No. No problem. Let's see.

Okay, I got it.

Now, when you purchased the Lady Baldy, you knew full well

that it pulls hairs out by the root.

- Correct? - Yes, I did.

Wouldn't you have to be a complete idiot not to expect

some irritation or discomfort?

Come on, what's your answer? We're on television.

Thousands of people are watching.

Okay, okay. Well, I guess...

Oh, you guess? Great, great. You guess.

Hey, this is a news show. We're here for the facts.

All right, so, the facts are...

Too late. They've gone to commercial.

You're what was.

Woody, that was a mean, vicious streak.

I've never seen that side of you.

Where does that come from?

Well, our theater's doing a production of 12 Angry Men.

Yeah?

We've only got six,

so we have to be, like, twice as furious.

Hi, guys.

Oh. Back so soon from your date with Darryl Mead?

Yeah. I left Darryl at the restaurant.

I'm feeling kind of funny.

You're not coming down with something, are you?

Are you coming down with Sam's chicken pox?

No. I just keep seeing my dead husband Eddie everywhere.

Is he covered with spots?

Carla, when you say you keep seeing Eddie,

just what do you mean?

Just what I said.

I was having dinner with Darryl. All of a sudden, I look down,

and I start seeing Eddie's face everywhere.

It was so strange.

I looked at my steak, I see Eddie's face.

I look at my broccoli, I see Eddie's face.

We've all seen that.

I mean, let's face it, Eddie looked like broccoli.

What a terrible experience, Carla.

What do you suppose triggered this bizarre apparition?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

Eddie's spirit does not want me to be on that date.

He's come back from beyond the grave

to tell me not to go out with Darryl Mead.

Oh, Carla, you can't be serious.

Ghouls do not rise from their resting place

just to ruin your dating life.

Vera did.

Why wouldn't Eddie want you to go out with Darryl?

I don't know, but there must be a good reason.

Anyway, I get the message, Eddie.

You hear that?

I'm not going out with Darryl Mead. Okay?

Thanks for the warning.

Feel free to rest in peace now.

Well, glad that's over with.

So what'll it be?

- No! No! - Carla, it's all right.

- He's over there! - Carla, listen to me.

Carla, listen to me. Listen to me.

Open your eyes and look around.

Now, you see? Nobody's there.

- Oh, the dead! - No, no, Carla, that's Lilith!

Granted, she could use a little sun.

Now, Carla...

Carla...

...here, Carla...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Carla. I should have warned you.

How's the toe, Dr. Crane?

Not so good, Woody. Thanks.

I should have warned you about the tricks

the mind can play on one during periods of emotional transition.

It wasn't a trick, Frasier. I saw him. I saw Eddie.

He was... he was everywhere.

I mean, this bar was lousy with Eddies.

He's got something to tell me.

And it's more than just me going out with Darryl.

He's got a message from beyond the grave,

and he's not gonna rest until he tells me what it is.

Carla, listen to me.

I think it's important that you talk with someone.

Oh, yes.

Frasier, I've got to talk to somebody.

I'd be glad to give you a list of reputable doctors

who'd be willing to give you treatment

on a sliding scale.

The important thing is seeking the aid

- of a competent professional. - Right.

Hello. Madame Lazora?

This is Carla LeBec.

I want to make an appointment to speak with the dead.

Speak with the dead? You can't be serious.

I got to find out what Eddie's trying to tell me.

Oh, great.

Thank you. Okay, I'll see you then.

Boy, she's good.

She knew I was going to call.

Carla, this psychic business is just a crutch to avoid reality.

It's very easy for people to get hooked on this hocus-pocus.

Before you know it, this woman will be holding your hand once a week,

charging you $100 an hour,

and filling your mind with all sorts of confusing jargon.

And how is that different from you?

Well...

I can prescribe drugs.

And, obviously, Dennis, I am not alone in my belief

that the company that manufactures

the Lady Baldy is irresponsible,

unconscionable, and simply out for a quick buck.

He's being way too easy on her. I'd have had her in tears by now.

Well, Miss Howe, as you know, our crack staff

has traced through numerous false fronts

to unearth the culprit.

Fine. I say we have them hunted naked through the streets by dogs.

And we have succeeded in learning that the makers of the Lady Baldy

is Lesco Ventures.

Ladies and gentlemen, write that down.

Boycott all Lesco Ventures products.

Which is merely a subsidiary of a major conglomerate owned

by millionaire financier Robin Colcord.

Nail her! Yes!

Miss Howe, you'll be pleased to know

we've submitted a formal complaint in your name

to Colcord Industries.

I didn't want to complain.

Why would I complain? This is a wonderful product.

Look.

Now, you see that?

You see how smooth and silky...

...there.

- Miss Howe... -And another thing, Dennis,

if you don't quit harassing the good people

who work for Lady Baldy, well, then, I'm afraid

I'm gonna have to take action against you.

Dennis, do you have a styptic pencil?

So, Carla, what do we have to look forward to

when Madame Lazora arrives this evening?

A group of us holding hands in a circle around 13 black candles

while the ghost of Houdini leads us in a rousing rendition

of "Don't Get Around Much Anymore"?

Frasier, if I might say so,

a good scientist does not close his mind to alternatives,

especially when it comes to the welfare of the patient.

Oh, that's very open-minded, Lilith.

This, from a woman who has left and right sock drawers.

A person can have different-sized feet.

We've had this discussion.

- Carla. - Oh, Madame Lazora.

It's so good of you to come on short notice.

My pleasure.

So, this is your workplace.

It's just as you described it. The faces of the dead linger here.

Boy, oh, boy. You mean you're in contact with those spirits already?

No, I was talking about lard-butts like yourself.

Have a seat. I'm getting things ready.

Madame Lazora, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane,

a scientist and a rational human being.

I feel it's my duty to warn you

that I am going to be watching you, Madame,

with a jaundiced eye, ready to expose you

at the sign of the first floating head.

Oh, I'm shaking.

Young man, if you're not careful,

you are about to lose a sum of money in the near future.

That is amazing. How'd she know that?

Maybe it's the wallet hanging out of your back pocket.

Coincidence? I think not.

Madame Lazora, let's get the show on the road.

Everything's ready over here.

Madame Lazora, I'm Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane.

Would you permit me to observe quietly?

I'm fascinated with the notion of parapsychological phenomena.

Well, if Carla has no objection.

You see, for my purposes, the psychic flow is stronger,

it's more condensed surrounded by people

who have potent spiritual energy.

Well, you don't have to ask me twice.

No way.

No, no, no, Carla, it's fine. He will attract the negative energy

away from the rest of us like a lightning rod.

Glad to do my part.

You. You have a nice pink aura.

Well, I eat right.

Good. Sit.

Now...

Could you kindly dim the lights a little, please?

Now, I want you all to concentrate on the deceased,

and I will attempt to summon his spirit into our midst.

I'm scared. Norm, hold my hand.

All right. You got it.

Woods, hold my hand.

Lilith, could you please pass me a straw?

We call upon the spirit of the deceased

Guy Edward LeBec.

Sweet spirit, we await you.

Eddie...

...speak to Carla.

Sorry.

Eddie.

Eddie LeBec.

Why isn't he answering, Madame Lazora?

Better you should ask the wind why it blows

or it does not blow.

Okay. Cliff, why isn't he answering?

Well, if you'll excuse me, Madame Lazora.

- The ectoplasmic membrane... - Wait, wait, wait.

I sense something.

I feel a presence.

Oh, my God! It's Ed!

Eddie's returned.

Made you look, made you look!

Frasier, don't be such an insensitive clod.

Oh, come on! This is ridiculous!

You know, there is a reason why she can't contact him.

You've all overlooked one important thing.

The man is dead, people!

Was I the only one at the funeral?

I mean, this is a sham.

This woman is a fake, a charlatan, a mountebank.

How dare you criticize my spiritualist!

Do you think it's easy to communicate with the dead?

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe it isn't her fault?

Maybe Eddie doesn't want to be raised.

Maybe he doesn't have anything to say to me.

Maybe he hasn't been spooking me at all.

How do you know that the problem

isn't all in my head?

Did you ever think of that, Mr. Big-Time Shrink?

Maybe I'm just conjuring up all these images of Eddie

because I'm afraid to go out on my first date

- in three years. - Eddie...

Eddie is here.

Eddie says you are right, Carla.

It's a miracle.

You're a genius.

Oh, for the love of God.

You saw it.

You just choose not to believe.

Why do I come in here?

Perhaps for a little free séance action?

I'm spent.

Eddie has passed over.

The spirits have left us. May they rest in peace.

The séance is over.

Well, thank you.

That's really something, huh, Cliff ie?

Boy, yeah, I'll say.

Boy, I've seen fire, and I've seen rain.

Cliff, everyone's seen fire and rain.

Oh. Well, then, I guess I got nothing to say.

I tell ya, tonight really made a believer out of me.

- Really? - Yep.

From now on, it's beer through a straw.

Here's your check, Madame Lazora.

It's worth every penny of it.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

You see, doctor?

15 Minutes, $250, and that's take-home.

I don't pay taxes. I'm not a citizen.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to my Jaguar.

I left it on a loading zone. I would hate to lose it. I paid cash.

A Jaguar.

She's going to have problems.

Well, I got to be going.

I'm gonna try to catch up with Darryl.

Carla, I'm glad to see you've made your peace

with the great beyond.

Yeah. Now I'm going to go grab a piece

of the great behind.

Go with grace, sweet spirit.