Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Sam, more change, please.

Boy, Lilith's really burning up the phone there. What's the matter?

Oh, you don't want to hear about our troubles.

Well, then again, since I've suffered through so many of yours...

We're having a devil of a time finding a baby-sitter

for little Frederick.

Jeez, what we wouldn't give to get away together.

Oh, me, too. I live for that.

Really? You could use a vacation?

No. I want you guys to go away.

So you don't have any relatives or friends

You can ask to watch the baby?

Oh, I'd gladly ask my parents.

Of course, they're dead.

Well, as for friends, I--well...

Sorry. Stupid question.

Frasier, good news. I finally found a woman

with whom we can leave our baby for one night.

Oh, great. Tell me about her.

Well, she's 79 years old,

she can't see her hands without her glasses,

but she assures me she can smell smoke.

Lilith, this is wonderful.

At last we'll have a night alone together.

Yes, it's just what we need.

Our relationship is at a point

where the rekindling of romance is both appropriate and welcome,

to say nothing of timely.

Stop, Lilith. You're getting me hot.

Hey, Cliff ie. Your beer taste a little flat today?

No.

I don't know. Seems like it's off

by maybe a hop or two.

Well, it probably has something to do

with that new pasteurization process.

You know, they put it in big sterilized vats...

Ah, who gives a hoot?

What, no long-winded explanation?

Cliff just isn't himself today.

Well, it's not just Mr. Clavin.

I'm feeling a little strange, too.

In fact, this whole place feels weird.

Well, you know, Woody,

the Japanese believe that every house has its own energy,

what they call its "wah."

Now, Eastern culture submits

that if this wah is somehow in disorder,

everyone that enters therein

will feel a sense of disconnection.

Mr. Clavin, I know why you're not yourself.

Dr. Crane is yourself.

Damn it.

These decorations are all wrong.

This is Saint Patrick's Day, the busiest night of the year,

and our name is misspelled on every single item.

"Faith and Begorrah from your friends at Chees."

Rebecca, the decorations are the least of our problems.

I agree.

You're right, Norm. I think unpaid bar tabs

come a lot higher on our priority list.

Damn it! Would you look how they misspelled Cheers!

Can you believe it?

What I'm talking about is,

if you guys want to worry about something,

why don't you worry about what evil, rotten practical joke

Gary's Old Town Tavern is gonna play on us this year.

No, no, no, no, no.

We are not gonna continue this feud with Gary, okay?

What are you talking about?

This is Saint Paddy's Day.

It's one of the busiest nights of the year.

It's when Gary wheels out the big guns.

He can't do anything worse to us than he did last year.

Remember that?

The place was packed and Gary and his goons

filled our stairwell with potatoes.

Yeah, and just my luck I was sitting on the bottom step

Tying my shoe at the time.

Lucky for me you guys were able to dig me out.

I'd hate to be the second member of my family

buried alive by potatoes.

Well, this year, things are going to be different.

Now, after that potato incident,

I went over there and I had a little chat with Gary.

I said we gotta cool it 'cause this stuff

is ruining our business,

and he agreed.

So we drew up this little document to that effect.

"We, the managers of Cheers and Gary's Old Town Tavern,

do solemnly swear to cut it out."

That ought to hold up in court.

I have to do something about these decorations.

What are you gonna do, replace them?

No, there's no time for that.

I have to go to the deli and buy some cheese.

People will be expecting it.

Fill up your beer for you there, Norm?

No, thanks. I'm not quite finished with this one.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'm full!

Aw, man, that's it.

What's going on around here today?

Everybody's acting weird.

It's time to give old Tecumseh a belly rub.

- There you go. - Who's Tecumseh?

The old wooden Indian by the door.

Isn't that Phil?

Where-- where is he?

Did you guys move him?

Well... spread out.

We got to find him here, guys.

This is very weird.

I could swear I saw him here yesterday

and the day before, and the day before that.

No, no, no. That was me.

Sammy, he's not here.

Who in his right mind

would want to walk off with Tecumseh?

Gary.

Oh, man.

Boy, fun is fun,

and I like being humiliated as much as the next guy,

but--yeah, but this, taking Tecumseh,

that... that crosses the line.

Sammy's right!

I'll tell you what, he can take Cliffie,

he can strip him naked,

he can paint him green, tie him up like a shamrock,

drag him through the streets of Boston,

but this is going too far.

This time... it's personal.

Hey.

Get Gary! Get Gary!

Get Gary! Get Gary!

Get Gary! Get Gary!

Ah, Saint Paddy's Day,

the day Saint Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland.

Boy, if that isn't the biggest Freudian dream of all time.

Five more Irish coffees, Woody.

Oh, gosh, I wish Sam would hurry back from Gary's.

I'm at my wits' end here.

How can you tell?

Hello, duckling.

Sugar pants.

I've been anxiously awaiting our appointed rendezvous.

Hey, Dr. Crane. Mrs. Dr. Crane.

So you guys, you're here on your night off, huh?

You have a marvelous grasp of the obvious.

Well, that's what comes from working with your hands.

So what are you guys going to do?

Well, we plan to recreate our very first romantic liaison.

If memory serves, we began with a lovely meal at Melville's

and then an after-dinner drink here, and then we adjourned

to Lilith's tastefully decorated condominium,

where we engaged in an evening of love-making,

which I might say was rather... meaningful,

not to mention sweet and sweaty.

Well, I'm not hungry, you've had your drink.

I say we jump right to the final stop on our itinerary.

Do you think the people who live

in that condominium now would mind?

I don't see why. We're an attractive couple.

Carla, how come we can't tell Miss Howe

What Sam's doing to Gary?

Oh, you know her. She thinks that anything

that destroys property, costs money,

or wastes time is stupid.

I don't know. She's got an attitude problem.

Yeah, what is with her?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Hoo, pow! Hoo, pow!

Hoo, pow! Hoo, pow!

Yo, caballeros.

Did you head them off at the pass?

Oh, yeah. We just shut down Gary's Old Town Tavern

on one of the busiest bar nights of the year.

Yeah! Yay! Go! Go! Go!

Yeah, we got padlocks on all the doors,

front and back. We got toxic spill warning signs.

We have police tapes blocking off all the entrances.

I mean, people are gonna be afraid to drive down the streets.

And to top it all off,

my friend Normie here sent 38 pizzas over to Gary's house.

Actually, I sent them over to my house.

So if anyone wants to come over,

come on, we gotta get to them before Vera,

otherwise we got nothing left but the crust.

- Ho! - Hey!

Morning, everyone.

- Norm! - Hey!

What are you up to, Norm?

My ideal weight if I were 11 feet tall.

So, we have any retaliation from the old Gar-Meister?

No, no, no, but that's because

we outsmarted them once again.

We had a man inside the whole time.

Hey, hey.

Yep. I stood exactly where Tecumseh stands all night long.

It's given me a new appreciation for Tecumseh

and everything he does for us.

You stood there all night long?

What a stupid thing to do.

Oh, yeah? I stand there for one night

and you think that's stupid?

He stands there for years

and you rub him for luck.

Who's the stupid one, Carla?

Hey, I hear you guys shut down Gary's last night.

Oh, now, he started it when he stole Tecumseh.

When you draw first blood like that, you got to expect anything to happen.

Right.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. - What?

They're bringing Tecumseh back.

- Ha ha! - Oh, yeah!

We brought Gary to his knees

and now he's returning our statue

as a token of surrender!

- Whoo! - Whoo!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Oh, good. Tecumseh's back.

Yep. Gary sent him.

Gary? No, I had him revarnished.

Doesn't he look shiny and new?

You want to sign for this, lady?

Sure.

Say, Rebecca?

So you mean that--

That Gary had nothing to do with Tecumseh being missing?

Absolutely not.

What's wrong?

We shut down Gary's bar

on one of the busiest nights of the year.

We did that for no good reason at all.

What? What are you talk--

What did you do?

Well, sweetheart...

You remember this treaty you and Gary signed?

- Yes. - Gentlemen...

We're at war.

I don't understand why you guys think it is so cool

to play these stupid practical jokes?

Honey, it's what keeps the child in us alive.

Otherwise, we'd be just mature adults.

Yeah. I'd lie awake at night worrying about that one.

Listen to me, all of you.

I want you call Gary right now and apologize

before he gets the idea of getting even and blows us to bits

with an all-in-good-fun toilet explosion.

You're right. There's that attitude.

Apologize. A lot of good that would do.

Gary just gets meaner when he smells weakness.

- I got to respect the guy. - Well, one thing is clear.

He is going to retaliate, okay?

In fact, he may have already put some deadly plan in action.

This beer you just poured me, Sam, could be filled with toxins.

So what do we do?

We take our chances.

Hey, Woody, open that door there

and see if Gary's done anything to the outside of the bar, will ya?

Snow.

Gary made it snow.

Gary can't make it snow, grain brain.

Oh, it's a good thing, 'cause we'd never be able to top that.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

He may have planted somebody in the bar.

Now, you see any strange faces?

Just glance around nonchalantly.

Come on, Gary's smarter than that.

He knows we'd be on the lookout for a stranger,

so he'd plant somebody we do know.

Yeah. Probably try to turn one of our own against us.

So the idea is, who do we suspect the least?

I think it's me.

Aw, come on, Woody!

How could Gary turn you against us?

I don't know, but if he can make it snow...

He didn't make it snow, you idiot!

All right, just calm down. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down.

Look, I just can't help it, Sam.

It's this waiting. It's making me crazy.

Hey, you know Gary. He always retaliates

and with great cruelty and force

and always within 24 hours.

Boy, I really do respect that guy.

Carla's absolutely right.

Every time that damn door opens,

I keep thinking to myself, this could be the big one.

Excuse me. ls the manager here?

Why? Who wants to know?

I'm the fire marshal.

You're due for your routine six-month inspection

for safety code violations.

Oh...

Well, we're really glad you're here.

Why don't you have a seat.

Can I take your hat?

- Thanks. - Sure.

You probably want to be checking

if this fire extinguisher is fully operational.

Of course.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Well, this hat is now up to code.

What are you doing?

Well, we're just... we're just...

...demonstrating our fire preparedness.

Gentlemen, seltzer drill.

Seltzer drill!

Hut! Seltzer drill.

Yo! Whoa! Whoo!

What are you doing?

- You see, these pants were a tinderbox. - You guys are crazy!

- Whoo! - Yeah.

Whoo!

Sam, excuse me.

Will you be sure and let me know

when the fire marshal gets here?

F-fire marshal?

Yes. We're due for our routine six-month inspection.

Be sure and tell me when he gets here.

Oh, don't worry. I have a feeling he'll be in touch.

- Ooh. - Guys, guys, we're going nuts here.

I tell you, man, it's just sheer luck

that no one was hurt in this situation,

other than Rebecca.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- This might be part of Gary's master plan. - What?

- What? - Keep us on the edge, put us off balance.

Yeah. Mr. Clavin's right. I think Gary's probably playing with us,

like a rat with a mouse.

That's a cat and mouse, Woody. Cat and mouse.

Sam, a cat and a mouse don't play together.

They're mortal enemies.

They don't even know the same games.

Think before you speak, Sam.

All right, all right, but what do we do about Gary?

What are we supposed to do, just sit here and wait and worry?

Well, what other choice do we have?

Fail-safe.

- What? - Huh?

Sure. Fail-safe.

Our situation here greatly parallels

that film of the early 1960s

that delighted and disturbed audiences of that time.

So your idea is we schneid ourselves

before Gary does it to us?

Do something to ourselves to get back

for what we did to Gary?

Oh, that's crazy. Come on.

No, no. Wait a minute.

It might just convince Gary not to do anything to us.

We'd be the master of our own fate.

And, fellas, bottom line is, we'd be getting it over with.

- All right. - What do you think?

I buy it. All right. Sammy's right.

I say we screw ourselves!

Screw ourselves!

Screw ourselves! Screw ourselves!

Carla, where are Sam and Woody?

Oh, you'll find out soon enough.

Don't worry your flat little head about it.

You did not answer my question,

and for your information, my head is not flat.

All right, but it is not little.

Say, Carla, where's the inner circle?

Oh, Sammy and the guys had to do something,

but they'll be back soon.

Oh, don't tell me I missed something.

No, no.

Now, Carla, I expressly posted my beeper number.

If anything juicy happens, I'm to be paged.

Frasier, an observation.

You are spending way too much time here.

So, how was your night off?

Bet you spent a lot of time

worrying about that kid of yours.

No, not a bit. We had a wonderful time.

We knew he was in good hands,

so we just sat back and relaxed.

We had a much needed, healthy night away from him.

That's terrific.

Oh, by the way, your sitter called and she said

that Frederick rolled over by himself

for the first time.

What? And we missed it?

We must be the worst parents in the world.

Frasier, let's rush home,

fall to our knees and beg his forgiveness.

I'll never get over this, not until the day I die!

New parents, they're always suckers for that gag.

Well, my friends, we did it.

We've saved the bar.

- Yay! - Yahoo!

Where's the photographer?

Are you the guys?

No. We are the men!

Now take a photograph of us in all our glory here.

Gentlemen, step right up here in a line.

Right. Yeah. There we go.

Okay, smile, men. This is for the Sunday paper.

Fellas, count of three.

One...

Two...

Three.

And here we go.

Okay, got it. Thanks, guys.

Hope it grows back. Doesn't always, you know.

Man, you guys!

You know, when I dreamed this gag up,

I never thought you were gonna go through with it.

I just thought you'd get some rubber skullcaps or something.

Hey, come on, give us a little credit here, will ya?

When a man has a dirty job to do, he does it.

Wait a minute. what's that behind your ear?

-Nothing. - No, no, no, no.

No, no, what's that--

Hey, hey! What the hell?

Guys, we're talking about my hair.

Oh, yeah. So?

Without my hair, I'd be just...

Just one of you guys.

Pardon me, Sammy, if that fails

to bring a tear to my eye!

Fellas, I tried to do it, I swear to God

but, man, I love my hair.

All right, fine, listen, if you got a problem with this,

just step outside right now.

Hang on a second, here, huh?

What are we doing to ourselves?

I mean, it's bad enough that Gary made us look like fools

and now we're fighting amongst ourselves?

This is not part of the deal.

Yeah, Woody's right.

Thank you, Mr. Peterson.

Now, let's just relax,

shave Sam's head, and discuss this rationally.

Hey! Get off me!

Hey, guys, listen up, listen up. I've got great news.

- Yeah, listen up. - Now, listen,

There's no need to retaliate against ourselves.

What do you mean?

Gary's has been closed for the last month.

He's in Florida while his place is being remodeled

and he wasn't open on Saint Patrick's Day.

He doesn't even know you guys did anything to him.

Isn't that a howl?

This is the worst thing Gary's ever done.

We have got to teach Gary a lesson.

He must never do nothing again.

Men, there's only one thing left to do.

Get Gary!

Get Gary! Get Gary!

Get Gary! Get Gary!

- First, we shave Sammy! - No, get Gary!

Shave Sammy! Shave Sammy!

Get Gary! Get Gary!

- Get Gary! - Shave Sammy!