Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Friends, congratulate me.

I've just had my first three consecutive hours of sleep

since I became a father.

Lilith's been making you get up with the baby

at night when it cries, huh?

Well, being a progressive couple, we actually take turns,

but last night, as she was gently nudging me

with one of her serrated elbows,

I fell back on the old yoga trick

of lowering my heart rate,

holding my breath,

and staring blankly as though I was dead.

And that worked?

Nope. Didn't buy it for a minute.

See, I'd forgotten it was she

that taught me that trick during our honeymoon.

You know, this, uh, getting up

in the middle of the night with a crying baby stuff,

that's--that's the reason I never had kids.

That's the only reason, huh, Cliff?

Well, that and the fact that my mother taught me

to have a healthy respect for the evils of overpopulation, Normie.

Yeah, you know, I can still remember her looking at me and saying,

"For the love of God, Cliffy, let it stop with you."

Okay, people,

I've got a special day planned with Robin,

so, I'm leaving the bar in your control.

I want everything ship-shape.

Carla, straighten up your apron.

Woody, fix your hair.

Sam, stop fixing your hair.

Robin will be by shortly

and he's taking the day off.

Oh, how nice for you.

Nice? Ha!

I don't think you understand the significance of this.

Men like Robin Colcord do not take days off.

He had to shift appointments,

put off deals, cancel plane flights.

When a man like Robin takes a day off,

it is a major commitment.

Well, for me, it's a way of life.

So, I guess this is some kind of honor,

him hanging out with you instead of his other babe.

You know, the chick from the French consulate.

That chick is in Paris being debriefed.

Oh, I thought Robin was in charge of that.

You know, I am really not jealous of her.

I don't care. I am winning.

It is obvious he prefers me.

And he's never taken a whole day off

- with Jeanne Marie. - Oh?

Maybe she has a real job.

So, what do you plan on doing?

Oh, nothing special.

We're just going to play it by ear,

go with the flow.

Hey, Miss Howe,

I've finished ironing your wardrobe for the day.

Why didn't you tell me the iron has a spray setting?

I got all dried out spitting on your clothes.

Thank you, Woody.

So, what's all this?

Today, Robin and I are going to live out

every fantasy I've ever had,

and I want to be properly attired.

So, this is for the beach, walking hand-in-hand,

picnic in the park, paddle boats.

Zoo.

Seventh row, phantom of the opera,

and this is for the end of a romantic evening.

You're planning on locking your keys in your car, Miss Howe?

Yes, Woody.

Well, you've gone to a lot of trouble.

How long you been planning this?

Since my first day of puberty.

Ah, pubescence, an emotional time.

I don't mind saying

that puberty was one long nightmare for me.

How's that, Cliff?

Ma wouldn't allow it in the house.

Well, on the lovely array of images that brings to mind,

I'm going to adjourn to the back room.

I'm ready for a game of darts if anybody's man enough.

Sorry, I'm busy.

Uh, ahem, I will, uh,

I'll play you for a beer.

Oh, you want to make a little wager, huh?

No, no. If you buy me a beer, I'll play you.

Sam? Set up my friend Norm here.

Hello, Rebecca.

Hi, sweet baby.

Are you ready for the most relaxing,

exciting day of your life?

I most certainly am.

I just have to make one phone call first.

Well, it isn't business, is it?

On my day off?

Ha! Certainly not.

Ah, yes. This is, uh, Colcord.

Give me 5,000 shares of Metronix international.

Robin...

Oh, yes. Well, I'll call you later, Aunt Beryl.

God bless.

So, uh, what would you like to do today?

Okay, I'd like to go to the beach,

then I'd like to go paddle boating,

to the zoo--

Oh, yes. Your first day of puberty dream.

It had slipped my mind.

Let's be off, eh?

Yeah, I'll get ready.

I have to get into my beach combing outfit.

Oh, and here's yours.

Right here.

And--and here...

is a little terry-cloth cap for you to wear.

No.

Fine.

Hey, Mr. Colcord, I think it's great

that you're taking a day off.

You know, back in Hanover,

we used to always take Sundays off.

Yeah, me and the family used to dress in our best clothes,

We'd sit in the parlor,

and read from the good book.

Then afterward, me and my brother would go out to the barn

And read from a bad book.

I love Sundays.

Well, I whupped 'em both.

Oh, yeah, Frasier.

You definitely threw the one

that came closest to the dartboard.

Well, what's that unusual taste?

Ah, yes...

Sour grapes. Ha ha ha!

So, does anybody else wish to snatch

the laurels of victory from my brow?

Well, something's got to cover that beach you call a forehead.

Mr. Colcord.

You English guys, you play darts a lot, don't you?

Oh, yes, we English do nothing but sit around in pubs,

sipping thick, warm ale,

throwing darts incessantly,

dropping our "H's" and singing "God Save the Queen."

That's all we do in England.

Wow, that film strip they showed in junior high

was right on the money.

I'm... sorry I snapped.

It's, um, not because of you people.

It's this business of, um, sitting around all day,

doing nothing.

Gets on my nerves, you know.

Or, um... Maybe it is you people.

So, darts. Who shall I thrash first?

Well, I'll play you for a beer.

Oh, a little wager.

Hmm. Not exactly. No.

That guy is so damn arrogant.

Yep. He likes his beer, too.

No, I was talking about Robin.

Yeah, but you must admit

Mr. Peterson can cop an attitude.

You know, I hope Normie

just knocks him down a peg or two.

Yeah, well, we all know

that Norm isn't the best darts player in the bar.

And we all know who is, don't we, Sammy?

- Come on. - No, no. I don't want to play him.

I mean, it's one thing when you play friends,

that's kind of fun, you know?

But when you start playing people you don't like,

other things kind of enter in,

and you start thinking about those times

that he screwed you out of all that money

or how he, uh, beat you to Rebecca

after you worked on her for all those years

and how he always makes you kind of feel

like a stupid, know-nothing jerk

with lousy clothes and a stupid job.

You know something? I'm going to kick that guy's royal butt!

Hey, way to go, Robin!

You know, it just isn't fair.

I mean, I came to the--

I wanted to be one of the guys.

And all I'm doing is sitting on my duff

watching other people do things.

Welcome to Normworld.

Keep your hands inside the car at all times.

Hi, darling. Ready to go to the beach?

I've been to the beach, thank you.

Well, why didn't you ask me to go?

I did. I came in here and screamed your name out

at least a half a dozen times.

I thought you were cheering me on.

You mean you had to go to the beach all by yourself?

No. I went with Woody.

I did all those stupid things that I dreamed of doing.

We walked on the shore,

and we fed the sea gulls,

we skipped stones.

I buried Woody up to his neck in the sand.

Oh, my God. Woody!

All right, last shot.

Sammy needs a bull's-eye to win.

All right, you mean one of these here?

- Hey! - Hey!

- Whoo! - Whoo!

Sammy wins!

Are you sure about the score?

Absolutely.

I kept score with peanuts.

This is you. This is Sam.

- Norm? - That's right. uh, 250 to 249.

You know, if you hurry,

I think you can catch up with Rebecca there.

Do you fancy another game, sir?

Oh, no. Come on. It's over.

Let's just walk away from this a winner and a loser.

Say, boys, who was the winner again?

Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!

Well, if not darts,

what about a friendly game of pool?

No, no. I never like to nail a guy twice in one afternoon.

You haven't lived.

Well, perhaps I could make the--

Perhaps I could make the prospect a little more enticing

if we threw in a wager?

Shall we say, um, here--

Uh, one US dollar?

Whoa! Whoa!

One lousy buck?

Well, you see, Sam,

a real sportsman wouldn't consider it a "lousy buck,"

but a trophy.

Something to be held over the head of the vanquished--

A symbol of victory.

All right. Lag for break.

Although I can't understand

why anyone would get that excited about winning a dollar.

Nah nah nah nah

Nah nah nah nah

Hey hey hey

Good-bye

Nah nah nah nah

Nah nah nah nah

Hey hey hey

Good-bye

Aw, don't feel bad, Robin. You'd have beat him

if you'd called that last shot.

You mean the one that ricocheted off that mailman's head?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yep. Now, if you'd said, "Eight ball off of Cliff ie's temple,"

then, maybe this portrait

of George Washington might be yours.

And by the way, boys,

which president was he again?

- Number one! - Number one!

Hey, Cliff ie!

Hey, how you feel, Cliff?

Oh, fine, fine. Just a little crack in the head.

All right.

So, uh, so, who won the game?

Sammy.

Ah, did you? That's great. That's great.

Carla, how about a beer, eh? Thanks.

So, uh... Who won the game?

Sammy did.

Sure. No kidding? Gee, that's great, Sam.

How about a beer, Carla, eh?

Uh, Cliff...

What do you say we trot on down

to the old emergency room just for fun, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Sure thing, Fras.

So, who won that game?

So, do you fancy another game, Sam?

Whoo! Boy, Robin, you are a glutton.

Well, it's not often I meet someone

who can offer me such a challenge.

I must confess, I rarely lose.

Really? Well, you're a natural at it.

Hey!

Yes, you're very kind.

It's not surprising you beat me at these physical games.

I mean, all they depended upon

were simple hand-to-eye coordination, animal cunning.

I mean, these are the only things you're adroit at.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

No one calls me a droit.

Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!

How do you think you would fare in a game whose outcome

rested purely on intelligence, acumen, cognitive reasoning?

Okay. Carla, break out the Yahtzee.

No. I was referring to the age-old game of chess.

Or don't you indulge in such sport

in this cultural wasteland?

Hey, hey, hey.

Wait a minute.

Are you talking about my country?

No, I'm talking about this bar.

Oh. Well, you don't know the half of it.

Yeah, all right. Okay.

I'll--I'll play you a little game of chess.

But let's not go for this weenie dollar bet here.

I'll tell you what. Double or nothing.

Well, what do you say-- what do you say we make it

Something worth our while?

Both of us. Um, a week's pay.

My salary...

Against your salary.

That's not exactly fair now.

You don't make tips.

Well, what do you say, Sam?

All right. Sure.

Fine.

Right, I'm going back to my penthouse,

and I'll get my chess set...

And I'll see you in an hour, Sam.

I'll be here.

Boy, Sammy, I am impressed.

I mean, you have put a lot on the line.

Do you have any idea how much that guy takes home in a week?

I'd say that's enough money for me to buy back this bar.

We are home free.

- All right, Sammy. - All I gotta do

is learn how to play chess in an hour.

Eh, you know, what the heck.

It's got to be easier than Yahtzee.

- Oh, here's where everybody is. - Oh, Frasier. How's Cliff?

Oh, he's fine, fine. He'll be all right, I think.

They're keeping him under observation for a while

until he's completely normal.

Gee, I never got to say good-bye.

So, uh, what is all this anyway?

Oh, you're going to love this.

See, Sammy and Robin

are playing chess for one week's wages, right?

We got this computer chess game

so that Sammy can beat Robin,

and Norm is going to feed him

all the right moves over this headset.

Well, I hate to spoil your fun with a moral voice,

but, uh, isn't that what we used to call cheating?

I mean, isn't that just like stealing Robin's money?

No, Frasier, I'm not doing this for the money.

I just want to get the satisfaction

of seeing his expression when he gives me the check.

And once it's in my hand,

I'll rip it up and throw it in his face...

Maybe.

- Ha ha! - Ha ha!

So, where did you get

all this expensive listening equipment anyway?

Oh, this is Pete's stuff. He uses this stuff all the time.

Pete, are--are you a surveillance expert?

No. My wife sleeps around a lot.

All right! Bird for three. Ha!

Sam, are you going to play chess

or listen to your basketball game?

I can do both.

King's rook... to queen one.

Okay.

King's rook to queen one.

Well, in that case, uh...

My horsey guy takes your little pointy-headed guy.

You know, you're a--you're a fascinating opponent,

obviously unskilled in the finer points of the game.

You have an instinctive, raw talent that pulls you through

and makes me want to squash you like a bug.

Queen takes bishop. Check.

All right! Jump ball!

Oh, God. I wish you could hear this game, you guys.

Sam? Sam, here.

Sam? I checked. I checked.

Oh. That's all right.

Check. All right. Uh...

Well, in that case, um,

my castle takes your queen.

Get out of that, rich boy.

Well...

Robin...

Woody and I have been to the beach.

We have been to the zoo.

We went paddle boating.

We saw Phantom.

Oh, it was wonderful. Thank you for asking.

Woody was a model escort,

except for one little annoying habit of constantly asking me,

"Is this part scary? Is this part scary?"

It was. Thank you for asking.

I am going to go freshen up,

and then we're going to a late supper.

Oh, uh, actually, Miss Howe, I'm not really hungry.

I was talking to Robin.

Oh, yeah. Dream on.

Norm, how many times have I told you

I don't want you in here trying to erase your bar tab?

Oh, come on.

Pfft. Come on.

You think I would do something as deceitful as that?

I'm only trying to help Sammy cheat at chess.

That's terrible.

Can you step on it?

Robin and I can still make that late supper.

I'm trying, I'm trying,

but I think my bar tab's eaten up

most of the memory on this computer.

You made another move.

Hey, hey, hey. Sammy's talking.

Yeah, yeah. It's very clever of you

to have moved your pointy-headed thing

to the white square, second from the bottom

on the far right.

Uh, right, Sam. Okay, yeah, here we go.

Holy cow. It went blank.

Pardon me?

What?

I... said, "Pardon me."

I burped.

No, you didn't.

Well, you couldn't hear me, but I did,

and I'm sorry.

Oh.

Well, then, gesundheit.

I didn't sneeze.

Perhaps you will one day, and I won't hear it.

I can't get the board back.

He's on his own.

Aw, poor Sammy.

Oh, come on, guys.

We've seen Sammy in situations like this

Hundreds of times--

You know, the game's on the line,

the best hitter's coming up to the plate,

men on second and third.

And who do they call in?

Mayday Malone with his "slider of death."

Well, what would he do?

Well, he'd usually give up a three-run homer.

It was Sam's teammates

who called it the "slider of death."

So they had a man on first

and a man on second.

Who do they call in but old Mayday Malone

with his "slider of death."

Why did they call it that?

None of your business.

That's very nice, but your time is running out, Sam.

Move or forfeit.

All right. Fine. There.

That is either the stupidest move in the world, or...

That was very clever, Sam.

What will you do when I move my bishop to king knight five?

I don't know.

All right. Is this, uh, horsey guy mine?

Yes.

Well, ahem,

can I move that here...

And that's checkmate?

What?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I win. That's checkmate.

Yeah. You shouldn't have moved your cardinal, bub.

Bishop! It's called a bishop.

I only moved him because your last move

was so incredibly stupid, that I thought

you were up to something clever.

Heh. Yeah. Well,

sometimes incredibly stupid is clever enough for me.

Why did you do that?

Up to then, you were playing a classic Alekhine's defense,

and I was matching you every step of the way.

Why in the world did you make that stupid move?

Wait! Wait! Whoa.

Which one of you told him to make that stupid move?

You knew?

What do you think I am, an idiot?

What gave me away?

Well, for starters,

the basketball game which you were supposed to be listening to

was on the television set behind you

and it had been over for about an hour.

Boy, those English guys are clever.

No wonder we lost that war.

No, we didn't lose the war. We won it.

Oh, right. Then how come we speak English?

Hey, man, come on.

You know, just don't be a droit.

All right, all right.

If you knew this game was fixed,

then how come you went along with it?

Are you joking?

That was the only thing about the game

that held any challenge for me, Samuel.

Okay, so, you knew it was fixed, and yet you went ahead and played.

I say that I won fair and square.

You owe me. one week's salary.

Come on, bud, and don't, uh,

leave out any of those little zeros there.

Oh, right you are, Sam.

Um, I must preface this by saying that, um,

in order to keep my tax bracket low, I am a corporation.

And the nominal salary I pay myself

as president of that corporation

is $1.00 a year,

which means that my weekly salary

after taxes is...

one penny.

Well, well.

One penny.

Sam,

you used all this electronic paraphernalia to cheat,

and what did it get you?

One penny.

And, you, Robin...

You take the one day off

that you've had in years,

and what do you do with it?

You spend the whole day fighting over...

one penny.

And what about me?

You take the one day

that I have always dreamed about,

and you turn it into the most depressing,

pathetic day of my life.

Oh, Woody, I'm sorry. I had fun with you.

Look what you did!

You know, you're right, Rebecca.

I've been acting like a fool.

You see, for one moment,

I actually lost control of that competitive edge

which built my empire.

Yeah. I apologize.

And what did you learn, Sam?

Well, I learned that it's not that much fun to play games

if all you're worried about is winning or losing.

I'm sorry that we ruined your day like that.

I guess I said a lot of childish things there, Robin.

I'm sorry.

Um, you're a good sport.

Ahem. Let's--let's call it even, shall we?

One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.