Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Miss Howe, can I have tomorrow off?

I pay you for 40 hours a week. I expect 40 hours work.

Besides, I need you to take me to go get my car

once it's finished being detailed.

What time will that be?

Right after my beauty shop appointment.

I'm getting cellophane highlights put in my hair,

and then I'm gonna have a manicure and a pedicure.

A pedicure?

Yeah. I have a date with Robin tonight.

I might want to play footsie.

- All right, I can drive you. - Good.

But after that, if there's time, could I take off?

God, Woody, what is so all-fired important

about your stupid life?

Well, I cook and deliver meals to elderly shut-ins.

I normally do it on my day off, but this week on my day off

I'm doing a Walkathon for illiteracy.

We're against it.

Well, then that would be all right.

Oh, Miss Howe. Wait. I'm recycling glass bottles.

I want this world to be clean for our children.

I mean, my children. Or your children.

Or our children.

Seeing as how you've got a date with someone else tonight,

it seems like a long shot.

Woody, you're so good, and I'm so bad.

I feel guilty and ashamed. I feel like killing myself.

Oh, I also volunteer for a suicide hotline.

We do good things.

Sammy, blind me with your beauty.

What's with the fashion statement?

Well, I had to look good. I had a meeting

over at corporation about buying Cheers.

- How did it go? - I talked them into it.

They're gonna sell me the bar back.

Back in the saddle.

Well, I'm not out of the woods yet, you know.

I've got to raise a little bit more capital,

and I have to find myself a few investors.

No, no, guys, whoa! Not you.

I'm talking about people with real money.

What's the matter, Sam?

Our money's not good enough for you?

That's right.

Okay.

For a second there I was offended, but I got over it.

So, Sammy, how much cash do you need?

Well...

...in a word...

isn't that how many miles it is to the Sun?

Yeah. Yeah, maybe you're right.

Sammy, you can do it.

Yeah, right, no, of course I can do it.

As a matter of fact, this morning,

I made a rather clever investment of $1,000.

Way to be, Sammy. That's using the old noggin.

Let that money work for you, pal.

- What did you invest in? - This suit.

- Looks pretty good, doesn't it? - Yeah.

I tell you, this jacket just over Levi's alone is fabulous.

Well...

The notion of investing is sound.

In fact, I have $500 here, in my pocket,

that Lilith has entrusted me to invest

in a gilt-edged bond for little Frederick's future.

So Lilith controls the purse strings in your family?

Yes, with the eagle eye. It's a good thing, too.

I mean, you know me, left to my own devices,

wastrel that I am, I might blow two bucks a week on a lousy beer.

Well, investing sounds good on paper, Frase,

but the problem is with inflation.

When those bonds mature, that money will be worthless.

So little Freddy will lose money on the deal.

Oh, well, screw him. It'll teach him life is real.

Hey, gang, look. It's Gilligan and the millionaire.

Mr. Colcord, you're not supposed to walk ahead of security.

It's all right. I know these people.

Wait for me outside.

One security guard... big deal.

Boys, rendezvous at the limo.

Twelve security guards... big deal.

- So, what's with all the G-men? - Oh, it's nothing, really.

Don't be modest, Robin.

People want to kill him.

You're kidding me. Who?

I can't go into detail. Let's just say that I'm involved

in delicate financial dealings with some sensitive political areas.

Ah, a little arms trading there?

That's Cliff.

People want to kill him, too.

- Who's after you? - Who isn't?

It's one of the drawbacks of wealth.

Oh, well, enough of this assassination folderol.

Do you want to hear something really exciting?

Robin took me to the harbor today to see his new sailboat,

and as coincidence would have it, it is called...

...the Rebecca.

You named your boat after Miss Howe?

No, I christened her long before I met Miss Howe.

In fact, I named her for the biblical Rebecca.

But that's not all.

I had an aunt who was named after the biblical Rebecca,

and I'm named after her.

And that isn't the end of it.

She was big as a boat and old as the Bible.

Ah, yes, Rebecca... wasn't that the maiden

King David spied taking a bath in her birthday suit?

No, I think that was Bathsheba.

I think Rebecca is the one who turned into a pillar of salt.

No, that was Lot's wife.

She didn't have a name of her own.

What did Lot do with her after she turned into salt?

Kept her by the pretzels, I bet.

Did they have pretzels in biblical times?

Yeah. I think I just had one, too.

So, where's the boat now?

We just got Rebecca out of dry dock,

scraping the barnacles off her bottom.

Not one word.

You know, this is a bar. I'm free to say whatever I want.

I'll give you five dollars.

Mum's the word.

Yes, I'm preparing to sail her

in the Cape Cod Regatta this afternoon.

Fast boat, huh?

Yes. You won't find one faster than Rebecca.

Sir, this just came over the fax in the limousine.

Damn it. My bauxite miners are threatening me

with a wildcat strike at midnight

unless I negotiate with them personally.

Bauxite, huh? That's the stuff

they make missile casings out of, isn't it?

Don't cut this guy off in traffic.

Fax them I'm on my way, and fill a briefcase full of cash.

Yes, sir.

Drat. There goes the race.

I spent all that time cleaning Rebecca up,

and I can't get her out of her slip.

That's worth ten bucks if it's worth a nickel.

It's too bad you can't enter that race.

I read here in the paper the first prize is $10,000.

- It's up to $10,000? - Yeah.

Gentlemen, in the time it takes me

to say $10,000, I make $10,000.

Oh, there I go again.

Look.

$10,000.

Yes, it also works if you say it.

Well, I'd better make some calls and rattle some cages

before I go off to the mines.

Rebecca, is the phone in your office tapped?

No.

Nothing she has has been tapped for three years.

Sammy, why don't you sail Robin's boat?

You could really use the money.

Yeah, I'm sure he's gonna give his fancy boat

named after my fat aunt to you.

Well, you can ask him.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Of course, he'll probably laugh at me

and say, "Why should I give you my boat?"

But then I could say,

"Well, it's a business deal,

and if I win, then you'll have this beautiful trophy."

Yeah.

Of course then he'll probably look at me and say,

"Why should I give a yutz like you my fancy boat?"

Then I'd say, "Listen to me. I happen to be a very good sailor.

As a matter of fact, in '83, I came close to winning that race.

Where do you get off calling me a yutz?

You don't even know me."

He'd probably say, "I may not know you,

but I know your kind."

That would really tick me off.

I'd say, "I'll tell you something,

how about you just step outside with me?"

I was thinking, Sam, Rebecca tells me you're a sailor.

Why don't you race my boat?

- Oh, sure. Yeah, great. - Good.

Hey, I happen to be a very good sailor.

- Yes. Fine. - And I'm not a yutz.

Good for you, Sam.

I'll call you later.

Sam, you can pick the keys up at pier 17, in the yacht club.

And you'll need a crew. Rebecca takes three men.

No, no.

Buy four, get one free.

Guys, how about this?

I'm going to be in the Regatta this afternoon.

You just better not do anything to that boat,

because Robin has promised me

that the two of us are gonna take a cruise on the Rebecca

to the Virgin islands.

Wow! A boat and an island named after you in the same day.

All right, I've got to get me a crew here, don't I?

Well, say there, Carla,

you're used to being around sailors, aren't you?

I'm with you, Sammy. Anything to get this bar back.

All right, that's one. One more to go here.

Come on, you were in the coast guard, weren't you?

Right, Sam.

I'd go with you in a second if it weren't for those horses.

- What horses? - Wild ones.

They don't make 'em strong enough to drag me on board a boat.

We'll be bringing a cooler of beer.

Come on!

All right!

Hey, I got my crew here.

All right, you guys, I'm going to make a call

over to Gary's Old Town Tavern

to see if I can get a little betting going on

with those pigeons down there. Okay, so...

...what do you say, $100 says we lose?

- Hey! - Come on! Whoa!

All right, I'm sorry. Five bucks says we win.

Hello, Gar? Cliff Clavin over here at Cheers.

Hey, that's Mr. Weenie to you, pal.

Let's huddle up here, fellas.

Listen, we got to remember something here now.

We can no longer think of ourselves as three individuals.

We are three parts of the same machine

working together.

Three people with one single purpose.

Not to drown.

All right. All right. Two single purposes,

not to drown and win the race.

Okay, what about getting all wet and sick?

All right. Three single purposes.

How about buying the bar back?

All right, four. Does anyone have any paper?

Guys, I struck a deal with Gary.

He says he'll give us five to one odds

if we can come up with $500 cash before the race.

Where in the hell we gonna get $500 cash?

Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey.

Who in the world would carry $500 in their pocket?

Yeah. Got any ideas there, Frase?

Let's see.

I find myself in the horns of a dilemma.

Do I keep the money? In which case you guys

would pants me and hang me from the nearest flagpole.

Or do I give you the money?

In which case my darling wife will see to it

that I don't need pants again.

No. It seems to me there's only one decent thing to do.

Run like a jack rabbit!

Oh, no, Lilith. No, you're mistaken.

You did not give me $500.

I mean, how would I forget a thing like that?

Well, did you look under all the sofa cushions?

How about behind your dresser?

Yes, well, keep on looking.

Maybe it's in your web.

Hey, guys, all sports is showing Sammy's boat race.

...as they round the first buoy, Orion is in the lead.

Mickey G is second

and Blue Horizon a close third.

Rebecca is trailing dead last.

Come on, Sammy!

Baby needs a Bachelor of Arts degree!

Don't worry there, Frase. Sammy's an experienced sailor.

Oh, yeah, once he whips Carla and Norm

into an experienced, efficient crew,

he's gonna have that baby sailing like a Swiss watch.

So you're telling me I can kiss my $500 goodbye.

Pucker up, baby.

All right, guys, stand by!

Stand by on the mainsail!

Stand by to come about!

Hey, come on, guys. What are you doing?

Standing by the cooler. Can I get you anything?

Come on, this is your chance to win back Sammy's bar here.

Come on, Sam, we've lost the race,

gotten sick, made fools of ourselves.

I say it's Miller time, pal.

Hey, what is that, quitter's talk?

If it's not, we'll think of some more.

Yeah, well, I'm not giving up.

How about another beer, Norm?

Yeah, coming up.

That's it for the cheap stuff.

See if Colcord keeps anything in his fridge.

Oh, yeah. Break it out.

Bingo. All right.

Why would Colcord keep a digital clock in his refrigerator?

That's weird.

Yeah. It has all these wires coming out of it.

It's going backwards, too.

Does it have a snooze button?

No, it just has this thing marked detonator.

Sam!

Sam!

What? I can't keep coming down here every two seconds!

Come on, guys, you should be up there.

We're all gonna be up there in a second, Sam.

Over here, over there, everywhere.

- We're gonna be chum, pal. - What are you talking about?

There's a bomb in the fridge.

What?

Oh, no!

Oh, boy.

Well, maybe it's...

...one of those devices

to keep you from raiding the refrigerator, huh?

No. Trust me, Sammy. I've seen them all.

All right, looks like we got about 28 minutes there.

Let's not panic.

Let go. Don't touch me.

All right, okay, we'll just...

We'll call the coast guard is what we'll do here.

They'll know what to do.

All right, just don't panic here, don't panic.

Panic is our worst enemy.

Yeah, well, this bomb is a close second, Sammy.

Mayday, mayday.

Damn, the thing doesn't seem to be working here.

- Oh, God. - Mayday...

Okay, well, there's your problem there, Sammy.

Well, what do we do now, skipper?

I think we ought to rely on an old skill

that I learned in the coast guard.

Radios, munitions...

No, no. Abandon ship!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

All right, careful, careful.

I got it. All right.

All right, what are those fins out there?

- Sharks! - Abandon water!

Oh, God.

Oh, hold it. Wait a minute.

How about this...

if one of us is willing to go overboard

and create a diversion for the sharks,

then maybe Sammy and I could swim to safety.

I never liked you, Carla.

All right, all right.

Sammy, wait a minute. What about your dinghy?

Yeah. That's what I'll miss most of all.

Idiot! I mean the little boat we can get away in.

Oh, yeah. What am I thinking here?

All right, okay, here we go.

All right. How's it work?

Take it on deck and you pull this cord.

No, not yet!

"Pull cord, you're going to die."

Oh, we're going to die!

We're going to die!

We're going to die!

Listen, listen, you guys, listen.

We've still got time here. If you help me,

maybe we can sail this thing to shore before it blows up.

- You really think we can do it? - Yeah, yeah. You bet I do.

And if we don't, we'll die trying. Come on.

Let's go for it, Sammy.

- Get this rope. - I got it.

If I go, I'm not going alone.

- Were you scared, Sam? - Are you kidding?

I saw my hair pass before my eyes.

It was unbelievable. I've never seen anything like it.

Really. We just barely made it to this little inlet, right?

We jumped off the boat, onto the beach.

We ran about 50 yards,

and this baby exploded like a Roman candle.

I'm telling you, there were bits of boat everywhere.

- Unbelievable. - That is truly horrifying.

Yeah, how about this?

Is that where a piece of boat hit you?

No, I ripped my thumb on one of Colcord's beer.

Those imports don't have twist-offs. It still smarts.

You know, something very similar

happened to me about ten years go.

You see, my ma was making us homemade bread in a Crockpot...

Wait, Cliff, unless that Crockpot exploded in your face,

I don't want to hear about it, okay. There's no comparison.

Well, suffice it to say,

that was the week I started growing this mustache.

Well, it's closing time, guys.

Yep. I'm out of here.

I think me and my crew are gonna hang out here

for a little while.

Listen, Frase, I'm sorry about losing your $500 like that.

Hope Lilith doesn't give you too tough a time.

Oh, you know, I paint a pretty ugly picture

of Lilith once in a while,

but deep down, she's really a good-hearted, forgiving person.

Well, give her my best when you get home.

Home? Are you nuts?

I'm staying at the Sheraton for a couple of weeks.

Well, guys, that's another half-hour that we wouldn't have had

if we hadn't gotten off that boat.

I tell you, a brush with death like that really changes you.

From now on, I'm really going to appreciate beer.

I'll go get my coat.

I tell you what gets me.

We almost get killed for this jerk Robin Colcord,

and he didn't call us, didn't send us flowers, didn't fax.

- Not a word, no. - I tell you something, that's the last time

I'm gonna almost blow up for that guy.

Better call Vera, I suppose.

I'll bet she's worried sick.

Yeah, I tell you, if I act upset enough,

I might be able to parlay this into a poker weekend.

Ah, there you are, Sam.

Yeah, here I am.

I got back from the union meeting.

I just now heard about the explosion.

- Well, we're all okay. - Yes, I can see that.

Now, would you sign these release forms?

It's just a technicality for my insurance department,

but it will protect you from further hassles.

Release forms?

I mean, that's all you care about is saving your butt.

You know, we went through hell out there.

Yes, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking of.

Believe me, if I'd known there was a bomb on board the boat,

I would never have let you near it. I just admire your courage, and...

Will you let me do something for you?

Now, Sam, how much do you suppose your life is worth?

Would say $50,000? Does that sound fair?

- What are you talking about? - No, no, I've insulted you.

60,000... 50 in cash, ten in stock options.

Come on, stop. Hey, stop that.

This is not about money.

This is about human life... mine and my friends.

You know, you may not understand this,

but some things you can't buy.

There are some things more precious than money,

human life and a little simple human dignity.

Yes, obviously you're still hysterical, Sam.

No, I'm not. I'll tell you something,

why don't you just take your checkbook

and drop it down your bauxite mine.

My life's worth more than money.

Sam, if you're trying to haggle...

No, I'm not. I don't want your money, okay?

I just want a little simple apology and a little concern for all of us.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Okay, I'm sorry.

How are you?

- Okay. - Not too bad.

Yes, well, I'm off.

You believe that? Rich people.

We almost died for him and he thinks he can spread

a little money around and make it all right.

Yeah. Rich people are sick.

I'm glad he didn't mention that when I was here.

I would have taken a poke at him.

Yeah, well, I said it for us all.

I told him what to do with his check.

- We're with you, Sam. - Can you believe that?

Thinking he can come in here

and buy the three of us for a measly $60,000.

- Abandon Sammy! - Hey, Robin!

Abandon Sammy!