Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hey, everybody!

My grandmother cleaned out her attic. Guess what she found?

Your grandfather?

No. he doesn't go in the attic.

It's a memory quilt

That all the women in my family made for me

when I graduated from high school.

I've heard about these things.

A bunch of women get together and embroider patches

that illustrate your happy memories of the young man's life.

So these women were authentic folk artists then?

No. Just bored housewives.

Hey, check this out.

See this soft little square here?

This is a piece of my very first baby blanket.

What do those little dots signify?

That represents my very first childhood disease, smallpox.

I almost died.

What's that long green thing there?

This is the beanstalk from my first high school play.

I fell off of it in the first act, cracked two ribs and punctured a lung.

I almost died.

This red patch here represents the big fire

that burned down my house when I was six.

And what, you almost died?

No. I got out.

While I was running away, I fell in this well right here,

and I almost...

Well, you know.

Okay, everybody, I got a petition here

I want you all to sign.

Clavin, you first.

No, no. I'm very particular about where I put my John Hancock.

If you don't sign this in the next 30 seconds,

your John Hancock is going to be a Betsy Ross.

Right about here, you say?

Not that I'm questioning you, or anything, sweetheart,

but what are we signing here?

Well, when Eddie passed away, I wanted to do something special for him.

So I started this petition to get the Bruins to retire his number.

Kind of like a memorial.

Yeah, that'll show the people of Boston won't forget old...

Old... what the hell is his number?

Thirty eight.

38? Oh, no, no.

Thirty eight will not work.

That's like the most popular guy on the team, one of the top-scorers.

Is he dead?

All right. Eddie's got him there, I guess.

Don't you forget it.

All right, I got to get more names, everybody.

You guys over here, you want to sign a petition

to commemorate Eddie LeBec?

Oh, sure.

Well deserved, too.

Thank you. At least somebody around here has some respect.

Who's Eddie LeBec?

You remember. He's that cartoon skunk...

Who always fell in love with black cats

That had crawled under freshly painted fences.

Oh, yeah.

Is he dead?

Yeah. Just sign.

Oh... darn...

Why...

Why me?

You want to talk about it, or do you want to whine?

I guess I want to talk about it.

No, no. Can't do both.

Corporate wants me to throw some idiotic, stupid retirement party

for some insignificant middle-management nobody.

You're retiring? Congratulations!

I wish. I thought I was through with this sort of crap.

Corporate hasn't bothered me for months now.

In fact, I haven't even heard from those people

in I don't know how long.

Hey...

Wait a minute.

You don't think they have somebody else

doing this stuff, do you?

Oh, who's moving in on my turf?

I'm going to make a few calls.

Hello, everyone!

It's Cranes á trois.

Look who's making his first trip to the big bar.

Show everybody his little fake ID, hon.

Frasier, please.

I'm just having a little fun.

I've tapped into a whole new vein of humor with this baby thing.

For example,

how many babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer... none!

Babies don't have the motor skills or the depth perception

to change a light bulb.

That one does get me.

He looks so different than he did in the hospital.

Yes, I know. The days flee so quickly.

If only we had had the foresight to capture those early days of innocence.

Now they're gone forever.

How old is he now?

About a week.

Say, has his bellybutton fallen off yet?

Oh, any day now.

What do you mean?

Well, you see, when the umbilical cord is severed,

the remaining umbilicus stays attached to the naval for several days,

during which time it comes to resemble a sort of shriveled, week-old banana.

It's very funny you use that analogy

because the human umbilical cord, if memory serves,

is 90% potassium.

Stay away from the baby, will you, Cliff?

You got a name for him yet?

Frederick.

Hey, all right!

Fred, Freddy, the Fredder man!

Frederick.

That, uh, that's quite a rig you got there.

Isn't it marvelous?

This is a native rebozo used by the peasant women of Mexico

to keep the baby close and warm

and enable it to feel the mother's heartbeat.

How much does something like that run you?

Just a few paltry pesos in Mexico.

Or 144 bucks at Saks.

Well, Daddy, we should run if we want to pick up those deli platters

before the party.

You are all coming to the bris this afternoon, aren't you?

You bet. We wouldn't miss that bris deal for anything.

I can't tell you how much it means to us.

As you all know, I was raised without a religious tradition.

I'm determined my son shall not be similarly deprived.

I'm so grateful to Lilith and her Jewish faith

for providing Frederick a heritage of spirituality.

You know, the ceremony promises to be quite enlightening.

After all, it's not every day you're ritually circumcised.

What?

Well, that's what a bris is.

Yes. The religious ceremony where the baby's circumcised.

Oh, the baby!

Look, Eddie wasn't just any hockey player.

He was a legend. He represents the little people.

It's the least you can do!

Okay, fine!

Boy, one of these days, I'm going to kill my mother.

Are those losers from corporate here yet?

Just you.

What is that?

I needed some refreshments for the retirement party,

so I got this day-old platter of seafood from Melville's.

Ohh, the shrimp is slithering off the toothpicks.

Don't just stand there. Get me a hot glue gun.

Hey, Sam, what are you doing back? I thought you were going to the baby's bris.

Well, I wanted to.

Have you ever tried to find a date for one of those things?

Don't you think that Frasier and Lilith are gonna be insulted

if you're not there?

You know what a mob scene those circumcisions are.

They're not going to miss one little person.

Hey... wait a minute, man.

What are you doing here?

I was going to go,

but the thought of renting a tuxedo

and everything just...

It wasn't formal. You didn't need to rent a tuxedo.

Great. Then I can afford a few more rounds.

You know, you guys, this is a very important occasion for the cranes.

Somebody should go from Cheers.

Why aren't you there?

I have a perfect excuse.

I have to entertain a bunch of deadheads.

Well, we're here. Start, uh, juggling.

We're here for my retirement party.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Everything's set up in the back. Come on.

Come on. Shake 'em, don't dawdle.

I don't see why I have to retire. I'm only 65.

I've got ten or 15 more good years in me.

The seafood will take care of that.

Hey. Sam and Mr. Peterson are here.

You didn't go, either?

It's not our fault.

I mean... we looked and looked for a place to park.

Just couldn't find one.

Maybe we should have looked near their house instead of just around the ball park.

So you guys all chickened out, huh?

Carla, you're a woman. You couldn't possibly understand.

What, you're a bunch of wussy wimps

who couldn't even go to a ceremony

that involved a little pain that wasn't even your own?

Oh, then you do understand.

This is nothing anyway.

The original rites of passage

started with the jungle tribes down there in Borneo.

- Yeah. - When a young jungle tribal lad

was on the brink of puberty, they'd bring him forward

and take out this large, sharpened clamshell--

Oh, no. Don't tell me.

Fill it with dip, pass it around with the hors d'oeuvres...

Then they'd take these two jagged big rocks--

- Oh, Cliff ie, Cliff, Cliff. - Bang them together

to call all of the tribes out of the hills,

then the witch doctor stepped up

with this long, sharpened bamboo staff--

Oh, here it comes.

Shoved it into the ground and hung a flag on it.

They danced around it pretty much till they dropped.

Wait. When do they circumcise the kid?

What do you mean, circumcise?

There are no Jews in Borneo, you moot yak.

I don't know about you guys,

but I feel ashamed.

I mean, Lilith and Frasier are our friends.

We should be there.

Sammy's right.

There are times when a man has to stand up and be counted.

They will have those really big pickles, won't they?

You're right. I'm with you.

Besides, Frasier's our pal.

If he's man enough to do this, then we should be.

Come on.

The bris is off. I've kidnapped my son.

You kidnapped him? What about the bris?

Sam, I just couldn't go through with it.

I mean, I tried to, tradition and Lilith and all that,

but my God, I'm the boy's father.

And that guy was about to give my son one hell of a boo-boo.

I assure you, Frederick,

this won't happen every time we have people over to the house.

What, uh...

So what did the little woman have to say about all this?

Oh, my God, Lilith.

I never looked back after I elbowed her into the chopped liver.

Frasier, as a married man, I think I can give you some advice.

You go back. You talk to her. You iron this out.

What's the worst that could happen?

She can't kill you.

You were dead the moment you said "I do."

You're right, I should go back.

I'd be so embarrassed.

I mean, how can you go back to a roomful of people

that think you're a total idiot?

I mean, how do you do it, Cliff?

Well, I don't really like to divulge...

Hey!

Come here. Listen, I know what you'd tell me

in a situation like this.

First you'd say a lot of gobbledygook no one could understand,

but then you'd get me to go back there

and face the music and the truth.

You're right, Sam, confronting one's fears is one of the five ways

to resolve an inner conflict, with the other four being--

God, aren't I a pompous ass?

No, you're not pompous.

Listen, I'll tell you what...

We're all gonna go back there with you.

- All right. - Really?

- Yeah. - You're going with me?

- You bet. - Oh, great. You're right, guys,

I was kind of in a panic there for a few minutes,

but I'm ready to atone now

and start behaving like a rational and good parent.

Oops.

I guess we're gonna need you.

Carla, how's your petition coming?

Well, it was a little slow at first,

but since I started forging people's signatures,

it's gone a lot faster.

That's nice. You know, I never did sign that.

Oh, yeah, you did.

Really?

Yeah, I worked you in right here between Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson.

Ooh, forge me again.

How's it going, Larry?

Have you ever been roasted

by seven people you don't know?

All those funny, insulting toasts.

I came out to prepare my hilarious rebuttal.

So far, all I can think of is,

"Shut up. You're hurting my feelings."

I got a Grange reunion coming up.

Can I steal that?

Maybe I ought to just moon them all

and be done with it.

No, I'd better not.

Twenty five years of sitting behind a desk for that company,

I have a pretty sorry excuse for a butt.

Well, if you need anything else, just holler.

What a loser.

He's not kidding about that butt, either.

I feel sorry for that guy.

It's probably one of the last parties he'll ever have.

He doesn't look like he's having a very good time.

Maybe we should liven it up.

I'm great at parties.

Back in Hanover,

I invented the game "Hide Bob's Pants."

Boy, everyone loved that game.

Well, except for Bob.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, Frasier. You through with the bris?

Yes, yes, yes.

My son is happy, healthy, and nowhere in the vicinity of this bar.

Ouch!

Say, just out of curiosity,

does anybody in the bar happen to be lactating and in need of some quick cash?

If so, just meet me in the office.

Ouch! Damn it, Frederick, give it up. It's just not going to happen.

You know what?

I think he's got the baby under that coat.

How did you know that, Woody?

It's the same basic premise as "Hide Bob's Pants."

Oh, my God. It's Mr. Sheridan.

What is he doing here?

Who's he, another deadhead?

No. He's executive vice president

In charge of East Coast marketing, research, and sales.

He's the what?

He's the head deadhead.

Mr. Sheridan, what a surprise.

Miss Howe, you're looking very well.

Thank you. And to what do I owe this honor?

Well, I'm here for Larry's party.

You know Larry?

Oh, yes, he's a dear old friend and my wife's younger brother.

Is your wife coming?

No. I'm afraid she's passed away.

Oh, then you're stag?

I didn't expect to see you at this party, sir.

I remember what wonderful shindigs you throw.

As a matter of fact, I recommended you for Larry's farewell.

I can't wait to see what fun and excitement you've planned.

You know, actually the real surprises haven't come yet.

Oh, good, then I haven't missed anything.

That's safe to say.

Now, those pants I could hide.

Now I have to plan something exciting for these people!

Frasier?

Frasier?

Where's my husband? Where's my baby?

Where's my beer?

They're in the office.

Dr. Levinson, friends, please, just have a seat.

I'll just be a minute while I reason with him.

Wife to husband. Scientist to scientist.

Frasier, have you gone completely meshugana?!

Sam, this is terrible.

What?

Mr. Sheridan, the vice president, is here, and he expects a terrific party.

Now, I've got to think of something, think of something fantastic.

What do you think?

It's your party. You think of something.

Yeah, right. What do you want me to do,

go back there, strip naked, and gyrate to "Funky Cold Medina"?

We could help you rehearse.

I got to think of something classy.

I'll tell you what the Sox did at our reunion we had once.

- Didn't hurt a bit. - What was that?

Wet t-shirt contest.

Excuse me?

It wasn't a contest, it was fixed, but it was still a hell of a lot of fun.

You don't just rustle up a wet t-shirt contest

at the drop of a hat.

Sure you do. It's just like ordering a pizza.

As a matter of fact, I think I have the 800 number here.

Here you go.

"Fulfilling your wet t-shirt needs since 1988."

No, Sam, I'm not gonna let you call and arrange a wet t-shirt contest.

It exploits women.

You got a better idea?

I'll call.

What about exploiting women?

When a man does it, it's exploitation.

When a woman does it, it's good business.

Hi! is this "Jiggly Party Queens"?

Frasier, you've been in there quite a while. How's it going?

It shouldn't be much longer.

It's almost my turn to talk.

So how do you think the party going?

Terrific.

You know, if those kittens with cropped tops and seltzer bottles

can't liven things up, then darn it, men just aren't as depraved

as I thought they were.

How's it going? Are the girls cheering him up?

Well, no. Actually, the girls are depressed now, too.

Boy, I'll tell you, nothing brings down a party faster

than a wet girl telling sad stories.

Great. My career is over.

I wanted to put my around her and comfort her, but...

she told me it would cost me $10.

It made me ashamed to be a man.

Anybody here got change for a 50?

All right, let's get this bris show on the road. Chop, chop.

Sorry. Wrong choice of words.

Rebecca, would you object if we used your poolroom?

Why not?

The party's dead. My career is dead.

I'm thinking of letting Woody hide my pants.

Thank you.

You can, uh, you can actually do a bris in a bar?

Oh, yes. I've performed the ceremony in many places.

Granted, a bar's a little irregular, but I must say, it's a lot cheerier

than the Bernsteins' rec room.

May I ask what changed your mind?

Well, Frasier and I had a long talk

and we both agreed that Frederick would have the same experience

even if the circumcision took place in the hospital,

the only difference being we wouldn't have to go through the trauma of seeing it.

Now we realize that's selfish.

It'll be easier on Frederick if we're here to comfort and support him.

Therefore, we've decided to go through with the ceremony.

Don't touch my baby!

Got that out of my system. Now we can proceed.

Great. I did it!

Eddie is gonna be honored after all.

Terrific. The Bruins are retiring his number?

No. The Bruins convinced me that Eddie wasn't really a good enough player for that honor.

But they offered me season tickets

if I leave them alone,

which was pretty much what I was after in the first place.

Wait till I tell the kids.

Maybe now they'll respect him.

Miss Howe, may I see you, please?

Yes.

Miss Howe,

that was the strangest get-together I've ever attended.

I am so sorry, sir.

Ordinarily, I'd be very upset,

but it all seems to have worked out fairly well.

- It did? - Yes.

My brother-in-law Larry is finally going to leave my house.

I'm going to have a hot pink wedding.

Boy, it'll be good not having that sorry butt around the house anymore.

Norm, I'm glad we went to the ceremony.

Me, too, Cliff ie. I'm kind of proud of myself.

I figure if I could eat through that, I could eat through anything.

It's okay, baby.

Everything will be fine.

It's okay, baby.

Everything will be fine.

Say, you know, what do you say next time we have a girl?