Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hail, fellows, I bring ye joyful news.

Judging from the in utero movements of our little child-to-be,

it would appear that the birth of a Cranelet

is imminent, give or take a month.

Oh, feel that, dadders. I think it was an elbow.

Hello, little elbow.

Wait, wait, wait. You can actually feel the little kid in there?

You don't mean to tell me that in the myriad times

Carla's been pregnant, you've never felt her babies move?

Hey, no guy touches my belly unless he's paying for dinner.

Lilith, might the boys have the privilege of experiencing this divine movement within you?

Oh, certainly. Put your hands here.

There it is. You feel that?

Nah, I didn't feel anything.

I think I heard him move.

No, that was my stomach grumbling. I haven't had a bite since breakfast.

Hey, I think your stomach just moved. Guys, check this out, you can really feel this.

- Whoa! feels like a big wave in there, doesn't it? - Hey, now that felt like an elbow.

Last week on Cheers...

if it ever, ever got out

that I have been having sex dreams all week about Sam,

I could never, ever show my face in this bar again.

Well, fear not. You have confided in professionals.

Your trust is sacred.

Thank you.

I hate you for being in my dreams!

I hate my dreams! I hate myself for dreaming my dreams!

Smack yourself for a while.

So come on, tell the truth,

isn't this better than waiting around

for some Mr. Wonderful to come walking through the door?

Huh?

Oh, sorry to interrupt.

I'm looking for Rebecca Howe.

What?

Robin Colcord.

Yes, as a matter of fact I am.

Have I caught you at a bad time?

No, you caught me just in time.

Excuse me.

Hi, Sam Malone here. Will you do me a favor

and come back in about an hour?

We're about to close a very important deal here.

Oh, yes. I beg your pardon.

No, no, please come in.

Sam and I can resume negotiations momentarily.

Yes. I'll just take a few minutes.

You know Robin Colcord...

Colcord investment,

Colcord Foundation of the Arts,

- Colcord Plaza on Fifth Avenue. - Oh, really? Small world.

I used to date a secretary who worked there.

Do you know a small blonde named Angela?

I don't remember her last name.

I'm sorry, you'll have to be more specific.

Looks great in black boots.

She sounds like one of ours.

Yes, anyway, Miss Howe, I'm here because I've received several of your letters.

I don't believe they got to you.

I have a male secretary who likes the pictures of yourself you enclosed,

- and I appreciate your business sense. - Really?

Yes, Howard was especially enamored

of the shot of you in the form-fitting

business suit licking an envelope.

No. I meant the business sense part.

Oh, yes, regarding my South End property.

I wouldn't mind having one of those "licking" pictures.

Yes, it's quite tastefully done.

Oh, well, uh, never mind then.

Does grenadine stain?

Try soaking it in club soda.

Oh, no, oh, jeez, it's in my hair.

I can't believe this.

Look at that! It's in my hair.

I hate this. I'll be right back.

I bet it gets all spiky.

By the way, Miss Howe,

I'm much obliged to you for your suggestion

that I unload the South End property

before the market price bottomed out.

Thanks to you, I've started to turn quite a nifty little profit.

You took my advice.

Actually, Miss Howe, no.

To sell when land values are so depressed

might be considered insane, so I've done just the opposite.

I'm developing the land as an exclusive, urban complex.

It's quite similar to something I've done on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.

May I use your desk?

Oh, please.

Well, you see, first, we bulldoze the land...

Did I startle you?

Yes, but I like it.

Whoops, missed something.

Yes, well... Thank you.

Now, here, we put our championship golf course,

and here, here, and here...

high-rise condominiums

overlooking the golf course and the...

artificial lake.

Something has to serve as an ice rink in the winter.

- It's beautiful. - And just there,

that spot of perspiration where your hand was, that's the performing arts center.

- Mr. Colcord, it's time. - Oh, yes, thank you, Miles.

I do seem to have made a little mess here. Miles, will you get someone to clean this up?

In fact, I'd like to buy you another one.

Oh, it's just an old blotter.

- No, I meant the desk. - Okay.

I'll see to it, sir.

Thank you. Well, I want to thank you

for drawing my attention to South End.

And I owe you dinner.

I love dinner.

Unfortunately at this moment I'm heading off to Beverly Hills.

I love Beverly Hills.

I do realize this is a bit sudden, but...

would you care to join me?

No, I didn't mean it like that.

I meant I love Beverly Hills in general,

I didn't mean to whisk me away on your private jet.

You do have a private jet, don't you?

Oh, yes.

I wouldn't even know what to wear

if someone took me to dinner in Beverly Hills.

I have credit lines up and down Rodeo.

It would be my pleasure to outfit you.

That is, if you don't mind shopping.

I love shopping.

This is great, Sammy. What time you open tomorrow?

I'll bring my laundry, eh?

Believe it or not, some people care about their appearance.

I could take that as an insult, you know,

if I cared about my appearance.

I'm sure Miles has brought the car around.

He's sure Miles has brought the car around.

Well, that spot's better.

Anybody see if that English guy left yet?

He just took off.

Oh, yeah? All right.

Fellas, fellas, here we go.

Now remember, nobody opens this door

even if you hear screaming.

Especially if you hear screaming.

Rebecca.

Rebecca?

Rebecca?

Hey, Woodpile, what are you up to there?

I'm making a map of all the places

Mr. Colcord's taken Miss Howe over the past 3 days.

Every one of these beer nuts represents a major city

on the West Coast.

Of course it was more authentic

before Mr. Peterson accidentally ate La Jolla.

Uh, here comes Sammy.

Hide the map, Woody, I'll hide the cities.

Hey, Woody, what you got there?

Nothing, nothing.

If you think it's some map of all the fun places Miss Howe's gone with that rich guy,

you're way off the beam.

- Woody. - It was bound come out.

He'd smell the whole West Coast on your breath, Mr. P.

Guys, guys, guys, come on.

You can talk about Rebecca having a good time all you want.

It's no skin off my nose.

Are you sure you aren't still repressing just a bit?

All right, maybe a little bit.

I mean, it doesn't seem fair, does it?

I spent three years loosening the cap

on that peanut butter jar.

And now she's sticking to the roof of somebody else's mouth.

Forget about it, Sammy, she's yesterday's news.

Here comes today's edition.

Look at those headlines.

Oh, excuse me, fellas.

Whoa, they raised that bar on me.

Got to admire the way Sammy bounces back.

He's still repressing his feelings, you know.

How come I can't repress mine with a girl like that?

Hello, everybody. I'm back.

Notice anything new?

- Wow, that is fantastic. - Thank you.

When you're done out there, can you sweep up behind the bar?

Carla, Carla, Carla.

Even your bitter little East Coast jokes

bounce right off my back today.

Robin Colcord has just shown me the most fabulous three days of my life.

- You look great, Miss Howe. - Well, I should.

I spent all yesterday having a complete makeover.

Feel. It's the skin of the rich.

Wow, makes a baby's butt feel like sandpaper.

I know. I know.

I'm a beautiful, beautiful girl.

I feel so happy.

I feel like getting together with my girlfriends and gabbing.

Carla, you want to gab?

- No. - You have to.

I'm your boss, and we're going to talk about my new, rich boyfriend.

So what do you think of him?

Men are pigs.

Nice gabbing with you, Carla.

Hey, where's Sam?

I think he's in the pool room.

Carla, did he seem upset about anything while I was gone?

Oh, yeah, I don't know when he'll get over it.

Hey, listen, don't worry about it.

It's chalk dust. It'll come off.

- You sure? - Oh, yeah.

She's nice.

Well, hey, look who's back.

My God, you look fantastic.

I wanted to apologize

for running out on you like I did.

Oh, yeah, that.

Well, that was kind of sudden,

But we all managed around here. I just hope you had a good time.

No, Sam, I mean because you and I were about ready to...

Oh, yeah.

Then we didn't.

That's nothing to feel sorry for.

No, please, Sam, accept my apology.

It was no big deal.

Please accept my apology. For me.

- All right, I will, for you. - Don't do it for me, do it for you.

I don't care.

Thank you for ruining a perfectly wonderful day.

If it means that much, then apologize.

Oh, I bet you'd love that.

How many do you have to score with before you understand just one?

Sam, I need to talk to you.

What's up?

Well, it's a personal thing about my relationship with Robin.

I haven't told anybody, but I need somebody to talk to.

Oh, no, he's married, isn't he?

No.

- Gay? - No, no, no.

Well, what is it? You can tell me.

All right.

I think it has something to do with this.

I hope that was a dream.

All of a sudden, she reaches down to her neck,

and she peels off her face,

and there's Al there.

I woke up in a cold sweat.

- So you never did get to finish the dream? - No. I was awake by then, so I...

switched on movies till dawn.

They were showing the one with Buddy Hackett and the ducks.

So of course I was up the rest of the night then.

So, Sam, do you remember anything else about the dream?

Man, it was the eeriest thing. I mean,

it was real, and it was vivid, like real life.

Sammy, that's a premonition dream. That means it's really going to happen.

Carla, that's an old wives tale.

I'm an old wife.

I know about these things.

Rebecca's going to tell Sammy that something ain't right

between her and daddy-big-bucks.

Really? Wow.

Oh, please.

Well, now, Carla may have a point there.

Excuse me, while I was blinking, did we all just suddenly

time travel back to the age of the druids?

I'm not saying the dream was psychic.

But perhaps your subconscious mind

has observed something subtle

between Rebecca and Robin Colcord that disturbs you.

I know how to find out right now.

Sammy, give me some of your fingernail clippings.

I'll have Madame Mazora burn them and inhale them

while she's in a trance.

Take Lilith along. The three of you can gather round the kettle and stir.

Well, doctor, with regards to dream analysis,

what do your two less years of schooling tell you?

Modern dream theory suggests, Sam,

that dreams are not what they seem to be about at all, but rather about the dreamer himself.

You have not been dreaming about Rebecca Howe and Robin Colcord.

You've been dreaming about Sam Malone.

Wait a minute. Then why was it so scary?

Well, perhaps, your dreams are trying to tell you about something

- too frightening for your waking life. - Like what?

Well, like you care.

You care about Rebecca.

Come on, Frasier, you know me.

How can I care about her?

We haven't done the main thing I care about.

Forgive me, Sam. I forgot about your high moral standards.

You mean to say that you can't care about a woman unless you sleep with her first?

Well, yeah.

I got this kind of caring mechanism

that only gets switched on by a naked trip to the love zoo.

You're kidding.

Well, no, it doesn't always get switched on.

Sometimes I go to bed with a babe

and find out I don't care, but by then, who cares?

Lovely.

Aw, come on, Lilith, don't get me wrong.

If I do care, I'm as loyal as a dog.

Dog would be the right term, yes.

Care about Rebecca. Ha.

Hey, Sam, you know,

Norm and I've been talking here, and we come up

with a third possible interpretation of that dream.

Yeah? What's that?

You don't want Rebecca, you want Al.

I think we can safely rule that one out.

Amen.

- Hey! - Sorry, sorry.

Sammy, what is the matter with you? You almost hit Cliff.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, if you just put a little more top spin on it, you'd have had him.

Carla, I think I care about Rebecca.

Kill me right now, Sam.

Just drive this pool cue right through my heart.

You know how many years it's taken me

to get over that horrible thing you had with--

Diane.

Shut up, please!

I beg you, don't do this to me again!

I don't like it anymore than you do,

but there it is.

It's all right, Sam. It's going to be okay.

At least you've taken the first step.

Admitting you have the problem is half the cure.

What am I gonna do?

We'll move to Vegas, and I'll be your love slave.

Don't worry. I'll be okay.

You're not going to mope, are you?

No, no. I'll be okay. I'll get over it. I'll be fine.

Oh, the moper's anthem. Look, Sammy, forget about her.

I mean, even if you do-- gag-- care for her,

it's too late.

I know. I can't compete with that guy.

He's the first man she's gone to bed with in three years.

She's gonna think he invented sex.

That's right.

Look, you've given it your best shot.

Now just get on with your life.

See, that's it. I haven't really given it my best shot.

Yeah, I flirted with her

and I had her up against the wall a couple of times,

but I never really walked up and said, "Rebecca, I care."

Please, Sam, I just ate.

Maybe that's what she's waiting for. Maybe she's waiting for some guy

to come up and say, "I care."

I could do that. I think.

Yeah, I care.

I--I care.

How does that sound?

I don't know. It was drowned out by the sound of my flesh crawling.

I tell you, that English guy doesn't care for her. I'll tell you that.

I mean, she's just another fling to him.

But that's the advantage I have.

See, I can walk right up to her and say--

Don't say it again! Look, if you're going to do it,

Just shut up and do it, okay, get it over with!

If we're lucky, she'll say buzz off,

and if by some remote unlikely chance she cares back,

just don't even bother to chalk it up,

put it right through my heart.

Yeah. Thank you, thank you.

Okay, yeah, all right.

Men aren't pigs.

Pigs are smarter.

And this is Frank's design for the main tower.

Oh, it's just beautiful.

And since I have you to thank for it,

I have you to thank for it.

It's the same building on a necklace.

And all the windows are diamonds.

And there are so many windows.

Oh.

Oh, you're welcome.

Now, I'll call you when I get back from Zurich.

Will you miss me?

I'll fax you every day.

Hello, Sam.

I see the grenadine came out nicely.

Actually this is a new shirt that just looks like the old one.

Yes, that's very clever.

Did you want something, Sam?

Uh...

Yes. I, uh... oof!

There's something I want to tell you.

I'm sorry I haven't told you this sooner,

but I haven't realized this myself until just now,

and if I don't tell you now,

I may miss the opportunity.

Sweetheart--

Oh, Rebecca...

I just wanted to tell you that I care for you very, very deeply.

That guy.

Do you know how long I waited

to hear someone say that?

Oh, I'm sorry, Sam.

You wanted to say something to me.

Yes, um...

We're out of beer nuts,

and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you sooner.

If I had, maybe we'd have beer nuts.

Oh, isn't he wonderful?

I didn't think men like him still existed.

I mean, he can care about a woman, even when he hasn't gone to...

Gone to what?

Nothing.

You two haven't gone to--

Paris or Taiwan, or any other place

where young lovers go.

You two haven't gone to bed together.

We have, too, many, many times,

and it was fantastic. We moved the earth.

Really.

His wooden leg didn't bother you?

He has a wooden leg?

I knew it! I knew!

I can't believe this,

you didn't go to bed together.

Why not? What's wrong? Is he married?

- No. - Is he gay?

- No. - You're not going to peel your face off?

I can't believe this.

Of course, I know why you didn't go to bed with him.

Because every time you're with Mr. Wonderful,

you're thinking, I should really be with my dream man,

- me. - Wrong! The timing just wasn't right.

- Yeah, because of me. - No, because of circumstance.

Circumstances named me.

- Shut up. - Me.

- Not you. - Not him.

All right, if you want to know why, Mr. Smarty Pants?

Isn't it funny how whenever you think of me

the word "pants" pops out of your mouth?

Me, me, me, me, me, me.

Me, me, me, me, me, me.

I did not go to bed with Robin Colcord for a very good reason.

- Me. - No, me!

Maybe because I haven't been to bed with a man in so long

that I would probably be so crummy that he would leave me!

And then I'll be stuck right back where I was.

If memory serves me, that would be with...

Me, me, me, me, me, me.

Get out!

What do you want now, bozo?

I've--

I'm sorry, Woody. I thought you were somebody else.

I have a message for you, Miss Howe, but I'm not quite sure what it means.

What is it?

Me, me, me, me, me, me.