Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Congratulate the doctor.

I'm doing a piece on the psychological ramifications

of Ingmar Bergman's later works for American Film.

That's great, Fras.

I'd like to read it to you, to see if it's still accessible to the layman.

May I have your opinion?

Sure. Buy a new suit, get a haircut, and stay home.

Thank you, Carla.

Now, I call the piece "Ingmar Bergman:

Poet of the Subconscious."

"The films of Ingmar Bergman--"

Who could forget her in Casablanca?

No, no.

You're thinking of Ingrid Bergman.

I'm talking about Ingmar Bergman.

Ingmar Bergman, the boxer?

No, you're thinking of Ingemar Johansson.

The guy that knocked out Floyd Patterson.

No, no, no. Sonny Liston knocked out Patterson.

- Well, who knocked out Johansson? - Patterson.

Before Liston.

- No, Johansson knocked out Liston. - Who knocked out Patterson?

Was it Ingrid Bergman?

No, Ingrid Bergman--

Shut up, shut up!

Not one more word!

I came in here to discuss Ingmar Bergman,

not start an Abbott and Costello routine.

Actually, I thought it was more like Martin and Lewis, wasn't it?

You mean Joe Louis?

He's the one who knocked out Floyd Patterson.

Who knocked out Lou Costello?

Apparently, Ingrid Bergman.

Boy, she was tougher than she looked.

Where's Rebecca? Haven't seen her all day.

Down at one of her power meetings at corporate.

Yeah?

Yeah, she must be really trying to impress a biggie.

She was already puckering up before she even hit the door.

Boy, these corporate types.

Down at the Post Office, I kneel for nobody.

Well, we'll all bear that in mind, Cliff, whenever we desire to have a job

where you have to wake up at four in the morning,

walk a 15-mile route, and make a minimal base salary.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

it's not that easy, pal.

You've got to take a test.

Oh, my God, I've died and gone to heaven.

We wish.

Shouldn't somebody alert Sammy?

Oh, he knows. He can sense these things.

I'm going to give him three, two, one.

Where is she?

He's slowing down, but he's still got it.

Give me a break, will ya?

The lead pipes down there interfere with the radar.

Hi.

- Hi. - I'm Sam Malone.

Hi. I'm Erin. Can I have an Evian, please?

You bet.

Tennis player?

Yeah, yeah, but I'm more into biking, running, skiing,

curling, squash.

Hey, what a coincidence.

So am I.

Maybe I could join you sometime.

Nice try, but seriously, I don't think you're up to it.

Why? Just because I got a couple...

Five... fifteen years on you?

Sweetheart, you're looking at a former professional athlete here.

I'm sure you are.

No, I'm serious. Listen, tell you what.

Punch me in the stomach.

If it hurts me, then I'm outta here.

If not, we got a date.

- No, I... - Come one, come on.

- Give it your best shot. Right here. - Okay, okay, here goes.

You are in good shape.

I told you so. All right. Hey, this is great.

What do you say, tomorrow, cycling?

Okay, it sounds like fun.

I'll meet you here at 2:00.

I'll be here, flexing.

Okay, great. Bye.

Bye-bye.

Hey, Sam, that girl's going out with you just because you let her hit you?

No, she's going out with me

because I'm a lean, tight specimen hunk.

No, really, Sam.

Woody, I'm trying to teach you something here.

Listen. They go for it every time.

You ought to try it someday.

All right, for the sake of argument, I will.

- Yeah. - All right, here.

Excuse me, would you consider going out with me?

I really don't think so.

Oh, yeah? Well, what if I told you

you could punch that guy right there in the stomach?

Oh, yeah, right, Sam, my stomach.

What do you think I am, stupid?

Well, everyone,

you are looking at a winner.

You were the best kisser-upper?

Gee, what does that trophy look like?

I did not kiss up. I gave an interview.

I gave one hell of an interview.

I was tough, I was insightful,

I was witty.

Meryl Streep will play me in the movie.

You know, I gave them a million and one ideas to promote Cheers.

My marketing major really paid off today.

They couldn't take their eyes off me.

Were you writing something down before you went in there?

Yes, I jotted down a few notes.

Were you using a fountain pen?

My lucky fountain pen.

Make that your leaky fountain pen.

I don't believe this!

And I thought they were really impressed with me

and they were just staring at this big, old, stupid ink blot!

It's not that bad, Miss Howe. It's kind of decorative.

It looks like a bunny.

No, no, it looks like a spider.

Or a butterfly.

Or it looks like my parents having a screaming argument on my third birthday

when I pretended to be asleep but wasn't.

Or a butterfly.

Afternoon, everybody.

- Norm! - Norm!

Beer, Norm?

Have I gotten that predictable? Good.

Weren't you supposed to have a painting job today?

You're right, Cliff ie, I did, but I screwed it up.

Turns out I was supposed to show up yesterday.

So they went ahead and hired somebody else.

Like they couldn't open their restaurant a damn day later.

You know, you might be the world's greatest house painter,

although, who would know the difference?

But, you know, as a businessman, you really leave a lot to be desired.

You know, you haven't had a job in three months.

Cliff, you're absolutely right.

I could do something about that,

or I could sit right here and feel sorry for myself

and nurse this beer all day.

Since I'm already here...

Wait a minute. Here we have a man

who doesn't know how to promote his business.

And here we have a woman who knows everything about promotion

but has never really been given a chance.

If I can turn a beer-guzzling nobody

into a successful businessman,

then those guys down there at corporate will see that I can do anything.

Much as I love your pitch, Rebecca,

I'm not comfortable working with friends.

Forget about friends.

In the cold light of reason, consider this--

Please, please, please, for Becky.

I'd rather work by myself.

Fine, Norm. Fine.

I'll just go back to what I was doing.

Going over these delinquent bar accounts.

Now, there's a rather huge one in the "P" section.

Welcome to Team Peterson.

Nothing like bicycling to clean the garbage out of your system.

Coffee, Woody.

How do you want it, Sam?

Straight. No cream, no sugar...

What the hell, forget the water.

Just give me a handful of grounds.

Hey, Sammy, the old Erin machine's really tuckering you out, eh?

No, no. I'm fine.

I just need a little something to pick me up here.

How about six pallbearers?

You guys are just jealous because I'm toning and you're not.

I am buff.

I mean, I am discovering muscles I didn't even know I had.

Oh! There's one.

That feels good. that feels good, though.

I gotta go change. I'm meeting Erin for some jogging.

You know what's wrong with our lives?

Yeah. We have lousy jobs with poor pay.

We both waste all our time sitting on our cans in this beer hall

doing nothing but watching TV and gossiping like a couple of old ladies.

Plus, everyone thinks we're doofuses.

Jeez, you know, I was just going to say

we could probably use a little bit more exercise.

But I'll go along with what you said.

Oh, Norm, there you are.

Oh, gee, how did you track me down?

I got some terrific ideas for 4-A Painting.

That's what you're going to call the company, huh?

Yeah. It's an old marketing secret.

It puts our name first in the phone book.

How come 4-A, why not 3-A?

Because that's the auto club.

Oh, they got jumper cables and they paint houses?

I gotta join that club.

Woody, this is a business meeting.

Sorry. Next time I'll wear a suit.

Anyway, all right.

All successful businesses and products have logos.

Now, I have come up with the perfect

delightful, charming little character to symbolize 4-A Painting.

It's a lizard?

No. It's Carl Chameleon.

Now, like all chameleons, Carl changes colors.

And so should your house.

When you think of color change, think of Carl and 4-A Painting.

It sure makes my old symbol seem like nothing.

What was your old symbol?

Nothing.

All right, Norm, I've got to computerize the accounts,

I've gotta get some advertising set up,

and I gotta get a new phone line installed.

How much is all this going to cost me?

Minimal. $2,000, $3,000 to begin with.

I'm beginning to think A A A A Painting

ls going to cost me a-a-a-a fortune.

It's making you stutter, too.

It seems like Rebecca's costing you more money than she's making you.

You thinking of giving her the old pink slip?

I couldn't do that, Cliff.

Well, you know, Norm, I think we'd all agree that letting somebody go

is the most painful, difficult task someone can undertake.

I'll do it.

Carla, this is Norm's problem.

He has to deal with it himself.

You're absolutely right, Frasier, and I will.

- Carla, go fire Rebecca, please. - Sure!

No, no, no, no.

Norm, you've got to do it yourself

And you've got to do it right away.

Otherwise, it will just exacerbate the situation.

You can do it, man! Be dauntless and implacable!

You're bad!

Yeah!

You mean I'm mean.

Yeah!

Like, I'm a mean machine!

Go get 'em!

Yeah!

- That's it! - All right!

Yeah!

How did it go?

Great. We found a new voice for Carl.

Norm, that's our phone.

That's the 4-A hotline. This is it.

AAAA.

Baby, we're in business.

Just where did your car break down?

Well, our tow truck should be there within the next 30 to 40 minutes.

Whatever you do, don't leave.

I think I'll cruise by on the way home and yell something.

Somebody confused AAAA with AAA.

How could that happen?

4-A Painting.

You saw our ad in the phone book first?

Could you hold just a minute?

Somebody wants to paint something!

Hello. This is Norm Peterson.

Can we help you?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Yes.

Yes, sir. I think we can handle that.

Yes. Thank you very much.

And I'd like to thank you for making 4-A Painting

your foray into painting.

Well?

Well, we have a job.

A development company has a small apartment complex, okay?

They're having a contract problem with their regular crew, so, we're up.

Oh! It's happening!

Well, it's just a little eight-plex, okay? Now, don't get crazy.

Norm, Ray Kroc started McDonald's with one little hamburger.

Colonel Sanders started with one little chicken.

We are on our way to the top, mister.

How does that make you feel?

It makes me feel like having a big mac and a bucket of wings, actually.

That's my boy.

Well, you poor working stiffs going to hang around here

and breathe this stagnant city air.

Not me, boy. I'm going to go climb a mountain with Erin.

Want to give me a hand with this here, please, Fras?

Sure, Sam. You know, Sam, I admire you, actually.

Most of us live such sedentary lives.

You're out there taxing your body.

It's quite an inspiration.

I know, Frasier.

Make me stop.

I tell you, man,

I can't catch my breath anymore.

I mean, all my muscles are beginning to form a conspiracy to kill me

because they want to get some rest.

Let's get you out of this.

Sam, if all this strenuous exercise is taxing you that much,

perhaps it's time to face the passing of the years

and learn to deal with it.

What do you mean?

Admit that I'm 30?

I wouldn't suggest anything that drastic,

but maybe you ought to just slow down a bit.

Hey, Sam, you ready to go?

Listen, Erin--

Ooh! Good one. Could you do me a favor?

Sit down, here.

Listen, sweetheart, I'm not going to go

climbing the mountain with you.

What's up?

I guess I'd better be honest with you.

It's just that all this physical activity we've been engaging in,

it's just too much for...

You.

I mean, come on. I'm a guy who likes to go, go, go

and sweetheart, you just slow me down a little bit.

I'm sorry.

Sam, I'm really kind of relieved to hear you say that.

I guess I need to go and find myself a guy who wants to just

join me in a nice, hot bubble bath

and lie in bed with me all evening.

See you.

Gee, that was sort of ironic, wasn't it, Sam?

I'm going to go home

and take a little nap.

Maybe ease into a bubble bath or a wheelchair.

Life is hot, and so am I.

Miss Howe, phone for you.

Should I take a message?

Just do it, babe.

That's my motto.

Women on the rise make calls.

They don't take calls.

Miss Howe, guess who's the new director of advertising?

Oh, God, really?

That's right. Henry Weinberg. Do you know him?

Henry "5'3'-too-stupid to-shake-the-dandruff

off-his-glasses" Weinberg?

They didn't mention his middle name.

Well. There is some crap up with which I will not put!

Well, I guess with 4-A on the verge of making a breakthrough,

this is just the kick in the pants I needed.

I am going to go up to corporate headquarters.

I'm going to go to the top floor.

And I am going to tell the CEO himself

what I think of him and his stinky company!

Rebecca, don't you think you ought to wait till we have at least two jobs?

No! I believe in you, Norm.

I believe in me!

I'm doin' it, babe!

That's still my motto.

Excuse me, Sam.

Yeah, what is it about Rebecca's history

that makes me think this is going to be bad news?

4-A Painting.

Yeah.

I knew that.

Yeah, well, thanks anyway.

Damn, damn, damn.

What's the matter, Norm?

That was the developer. They signed with their painters

and we're out.

So, you going to chase Rebecca down before she quits her job?

I guess I really should, huh?

But, then again, if she hates her job,

so, well, is it gonna be that bad if they can her?

Maybe you're right. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

I don't know. Just find somebody else to run the bar, that's all.

Right.

Oh, my God.

My bar tab could fall into the wrong hands.

Sammy, nice socks, man.

My God.

Are you all right?

I just ran...

Up 40 flights of stairs?

God, no. Just from the elevator.

Is this the CEO's office?

Yes, but he's busy.

- I've got to get in there. - You can't.

- Well, I've got to. I'm sorry. - Security.

Right. Lady, by the time your 80-year-old

geezer security guard gets up here,

I could've busted into that office,

sang the entire score from Barber of Seville,

and been on my merry way.

Trouble?

Not if I leave this instant, no.

Tell Japan I can play hardball, too.

Just do it!

Do it.

Hey, that's my motto.

Miss Harris, I hear you're looking for a job with the company.

My name's Miss Howe and I already work for the company.

Then everything's settled. show yourself out.

- But I have something to say. - Make it quick.

Mr. Anawalt, I have worked for this company for six years now.

For four of those, I didn't get a raise.

Now, not less than 36 people

have passed me on the corporate ladder.

Oh, my God.

What's that?

Evidently an out-of-work window washer.

You have to admire his initiative.

Now, you've worked here six years and you've been treated like hell.

But I've never been happier in my life

and I'd never want anything to change.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.

Damn it!

I'm doin' it.

Mr. Anawalt, I have something else to say, and this is it.

You wouldn't know a good marketing executive

if one came up and bit you on the butt.

Now, I am better and smarter than 50% of the people that work here.

And if you can't see that, then you are blind or a buffoon.

Take your pick.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to Cheers

where I am sure all my personal belongings

will be waiting for me in a hefty bag on the street.

Miss Howe!

What do you want now?

Have a lot of nerve talking to me like that.

This company was built on nerve.

Not enough young people have the guts

to stand up and say what they're really thinking.

I've been looking for that brave child who wouldn't be afraid to say,

"The emperor has no clothes."

He's nude, sir.

Buck naked.

Do you think you could handle a triple raise in salary?

Oh, yes, sir.

Do you think you could handle

an executive position with my marketing team?

Yes, sir!

Think you could start Monday?

Yes, sir!

Welcome aboard.

Oh, yes, sir.

Sir, this is a dream come true for me.

Yes?

FBI. Mr. Anawalt, you're under arrest.

What's the charge?

Insider trading. Let's go. Take him downtown.

- No! - Read him his rights.

You can't do this!

This man is innocent.

No. they have me dead to rights.

Oh, Mr. Anawalt, Mr. Anawalt.

I'll wait for you, sir!

I'll be standing right here waiting for you.

I think I am the unluckiest person on earth.