All language subtitles for Cheers.S07E09.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

I'm sorry, Dr. Crane.

I just don't understand
this word association stuff.

All right. Allow me to demonstrate.
Now, I'll say a word,

then you say the first word
that you think of.

Norm, we'll start with you.

Over.

Under.

Inside.

Outside.

Bottom.

Thermostat.

If you can make
any sense of that,

I got a sawbuck here
with your name on it.

Okay. You're on. It might not
be a total non sequitur.

Let me see. Perhaps in the house
Woody grew up in,

the thermostat was
at the bottom of the stairs.

Actually, it was in the kitchen.

I'll take cash or check.

No, no, or...

Well, the heater may have been
in the cellar,

and so was at
the bottom of the house.

- Nope.
- "Thermostat" is difficult to spell.

Woody was at the bottom
of his class?

Woody, did you turn up the heat again?

Yes, Miss Howe.

I told you it's too hot in here.

Now, if you keep
turning it up,

I have to keep
turning it down.

That wouldn't be
a problem,

but they put the damn thermostat

in such an awkward place.

I can...

Barely reach it.

Sorry, Miss Howe.

Frasier, where the hell
have you been?

You were supposed
to pick me up at the airport.

Well, I didn't do
a very good job of it, did I?

Well, welcome home, dear.

Where have you been?

Paris. Perhaps you remember.

We liberated it
during the war.

Now that I recall,
you did say something about it.

Well,
I've just been so damn busy.

You do forgive me, don't you?

Of course.
I could never stay mad at you.

Well, how was Paris?

It was thrilling.
The City of Light.

- Here.
- What's this?

A souvenir.

I'm tired of your pin-striped boxers.

They're dull, unimaginative,
and bourgeois.

Well, they always speak
very highly of you.

An eye patch.

No, you ninny.
It's French underwear.

It doesn't leave much
to the imagination there,

does it, Frase?

Not that I was imagining anything.

They're all the rage
in Paris.

They sell them everywhere.
I bought these at the Louvre.

Well, dearest...

I do appreciate the gift,
dearest, but...

I don't know if they're really me.

Well, don't make up your mind
before you even try them on.

Yeah, what do you say, Frase?
Strap 'em on.

Well, I suppose I could slip
into the bathroom for a moment.

Oh, Frasier, do.

Say, what am I gonna do
with the old pair?

Save them.
I'm making a memory quilt.

Sam, phone for you.

It's Judy.

Judy.

Hi!

Well, of course I remember you.

You're kidding me?

Why, that's just around the corner.

Listen, why don't you
come on over?

We could replay
all the old memories.

All right.

Judy who?

She didn't say, Sam.

How many Judys have you dated?

Well, let's see.
There was Judy Johnson, right?

The tall redhead, remember?

She had freckles, great legs.

Yeah. There was Judy Patinski.

Oh, yeah.

Judy Chang.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
How come you guys

remember my love life
better than I do?

I think it meant more to us,
Sammy.

Wasn't there...

A Judy Marlowe?

Oh, that's the one.
I remember now.

Sammy, hot stuff.

You betcha.

God, did we have
great times.

I remember all the playgrounds,

the circuses, the pony rides.

Excuse me, Sam.

Exactly how old was this Judy?

No, no. she was a divorcée.

She had this little girl.

Must be about, what, 15 years
since I've seen the two of them.

Just in case she comes in here
and she's not very good-looking,

will you do me a favor,
pretend like you're my wife?

Okay. Give me all the money
in your wallet.

Carla, what are you doing?

I'm practicing.

Lilith, I have only one thing
to say to you.

Vive la difference!

Woody, I asked you

to bring up a case of scotch
15 minutes ago.

Now, will you just do it, please?

Sorry, Miss Howe.
Right away.

Get up on the wrong side
of the web?

No. I am just sick and tired
of the way I'm treated by this company.

They're trying
to break my spirit,

to bring me to my knees.

They want to see how long

It's gonna take
before I say I quit.

Why, what are they
wanting you to do now?

Throw a party.

Oh, my God,
these people must be stopped.

I'm supposed to throw a kiddie party
for the executives' brats.

I'll show them. I am gonna throw
the best damn party of the year.

I am gonna have the best food,
the best games--

Does anybody know where I can hire
a professional clown?

Would you settle for
a couple of amateurs with red noses?

Say, you know
who you should hire? Woody.

He's an actor,
at least a perennial understudy.

That's not a bad idea.
I wonder if Woody's interested.

Woody.

I have to hire a clown
for a children's party.

Do you think you could
handle the part?

Handle the part?

I've always wanted
to play a clown.

You hear that, everybody?
I get to be a clown!

I'm a clown! I'm a clown!
I'm a clown!

Sam?

Judy?

Oh, wow! What a relief!

What are you
talking about?

Well, it's been 15 years
since we've seen each other,

and you look just
as good as I do.

Hey! How you been?

I've been great.

Come over here.
Sit down.

Carla, let's have
some white wine, please.

- Guess what?
- What?

My daughter Laurie
came along to say hi.

I'd love to see her again.

Weren't the three of us--
didn't we have fun together?

You were always
a great uncle, Sammy.

A lot of men get jealous.
They don't want to share.

Hey, I hope I never get
so possessive that I'm not willing...

Hi, Mom.

...to share.

Sam, you remember Laurie.

Hi.

God! You used to be so...

And now she's so...

So...

Hey! How are you?

I'm fine, Mr. Malone.

Mr. Malone? Hey, come on.

I'm the same guy that used to
push you in the swings

and give you
piggyback rides

and played with you
in the bathtub.

No, that was me.

Oh, right, right.

Look at the two of you!

Look at the three of us.

Let's look at the two of you again.

I know you two have
a lot of catching up to do,

but it was really good
to see you again, Sam.

Oh, wow! I just flashed
on the way

You used to make me
hold your hand crossing the street.

Anyway, I'll see you.

Wait! Where are you going?
What's the rush?

Why is my voice so high?

Listen. I got an idea.

Why don't...

Why don't the three
of us...

Do one of those things
we used to do in the old days?

You know, get an ice cream cone
together or something?

I would love that.

- Do you know something, Sam?
- What?

I am really glad that I picked up
the phone and called you.

Oh, me, too.

Come on, Uncle Sammy!

There's a lot
of traffic out there.

Ha ha ha!

Looks like Sammy's
heading for trouble.

Yeah. Looks like kind of a fun trip,
though, doesn't it?

Carla, did you have
the soft drinks

Delivered to Mrs. Ridgeway's house
for the party tomorrow?

Ah, yeah. Four cases.

Kids will be burping
all through Woody's act.

Don't worry.

With this outfit and these props,

I'm gonna have those kids
rolling on the floor.

Rolling around and burping.

Now there's
an attractive image for you.

You know, Woody, I envy you.
I really do.

Creating laughter
can be a healing art.

Sometimes a clown can do
better than a psychiatrist.

Yeah, and you can fit
more of them into a little car.

Got my funny horn,
squirting flower,

my joke book. Can't miss.

Oh, yeah? Let's see an example
of a joke that can't miss.

"Did you hear about
the human cannonball?

It's hard to find
a man of his caliber."

Well, I don't hear any hilarity
ensuing there, Woodman.

You have to try both
at the same time,

the props and the jokes.

Try it again.

Look, this is going
to be flop city.

"Did you hear about
the human cannonball?

It's hard to find
a man of his caliber."

See? can't miss.

Let me try this.
This looks like fun.

All right. "You hear about
the sword-swallower

who only eats penknives
because he's on a diet?"

All right.
You think that's funny?

Go ahead, Norm.
Do another one.

All right.

"Hear about the tightrope-walker
who went nuts?

They had to throw
a net under him."

You know, you're right.

It is funnier when you do it.

Here we go.

Thanks, Uncle Sammy.
That was great.

I've got to get to aerobics class.

I'll call you tonight, Mom.

Bye, honey.

God, kids are fun.

I especially loved taking her
to that department store,

and watching her
little face light up.

Obviously.

Hey, come on.
What's the matter with you?

I'm getting a little tired of having you
invite Laurie along with us

everywhere we go.

Aw, now, come on.

Mommy needs
a little quality time for herself.

Well, sweetheart,

all you had to do was ask.
Listen.

What do you say
I pick you up around 8:00?

Just the two of us
all evening.

Adults only.

Caution.
Some scenes may be unsuitable

for immature viewers.

I'll close my eyes.

Oh, God!

Why? What?

What's the matter?

I guess I'm remembering
what happened the last time

You tried to pitch both ends
of a doubleheader.

Oh, boy.
Is it that obvious?

I think it was the drooling
that gave you away.

Yeah. Well, you see the thing is

that I'm really attracted to Laurie

and I want to ask her out

but I don't wanna stop
dating the mother at the same time.

I mean, it's like a real problem,
you know.

Gee. Must be a burden
being so sensitive.

Sammy, door number two.

Hey, Laurie. What'd you do?
Forget something?

Well, my class was canceled,
so I was going to find Mom

and see if she wanted
to grab some lunch,

but I guess she already left, huh?

Yeah. Just a few minutes ago.

Oh, well. It's no biggie.

Well, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Listen.

If you have a couple of minutes
on your hand here,

I'm about due for a break,
aren't I, Rebecca?

Hell, yes.

You've been back at work
for almost five minutes.

Wouldn't it be a hoot

if your uncle took you back
to the same zoo, but 15 years later?

How about it, guys?

Would that be a hoot or what?

Uncle Sammy,
you're too much.

I'll go bring
the car around.

Great. I'll meet you up there, okay?
Just a minute.

Zoos are kind of sad,
you know?

Yeah.

All those sedentary animals--

Can't move, can't run free,

they just sit.

Sit there and drink

and shovel food
in their faces.

Man, that is no kind of life.

Sam, you're trying to date
your girlfriend's daughter.

Isn't there a little voice
in the back of your mind

trying to tell you something?

A little voice?

Your conscience.

My conscience?

You mean--

You mean, like Jiminy Cricket?

Well, okay.

Well, yeah.
As a matter of fact,

I do hear this little voice,

but it's not coming
from the direction of my brain.

Sammy,
you better be careful.

You see, even Carla
agrees with me.

No. I'm just worried
that he's gonna blow it with both chicks.

How?

Mothers and daughters
talk to each other.

Well, not in my family,
but usually.

Sweetheart, I've handled
trickier situations than this before.

You remember
that time I dated

those lovely Henshaw triplets
all at the same time?

Sammy, first of all,

that was back when
you were drinking like a fish.

And second of all,

that was one chick.

Frasier, you okay, bud?

I'm a little concerned here, Norm.

My fingers are tingling.

My hand's numb.

My feet are cold.

Either I'm having
a heart attack,

or this new French underwear
Lilith gave me is too tight.

Ah.

Ah. Cancel the paramedics.

All right. All right.

All right! I'm going on tonight.
I'm going on.

What, you mean
in your theater group?

Yeah, yeah.
The lead has a fever of 106.

The rest of the cast
tried to drag him out of bed,

but he kept falling down.

I get to go on.

Woody, are you ready to go?

We're gonna be late
for the kiddie party.

Oh, Miss Howe,
I hate to let you down,

but I can't be your clown.

I'm playing Marc Antony.

"Friends, romans,
countrymen..."

What are you
talking about?

Countrymen--

People who live
outside the city.

You know, shepherds,
farmers, ranchers.

Woody, you can't
desert me like this.

I don't have time
to get anyone else.

- This is the chance he's been waiting--
- Butt out.

You are the one who insisted
I hire him in the first place.

I was merely suggesting--

Where am I gonna get
another clown now?

I am ruined,
and it's your fault.

You're the one
who got me in this mess,

you owe me a clown.

Where do you think
I can find one now?

Frasier, weren't you the one

who said how much
you envied Woody?

Well, yes,
I did say that, but--

And that clowns do more good
than psychiatrists?

Oh, surely,
you're not suggesting--

Yeah, you'll be great, Dr. Crane.

Stuff's all right here
in this box.

You can't miss.

Me? You want me to don
the jester's motley?

It's got to be you, Dr. Crane.

It takes a big man
to fill these shoes.

Well, why not?

I mean,
they're just children after all.

And I always have had
a special rapport with wee people.

Where's the harm?

All right. Let's go, Frasier.
We're late already.

Oh, here's your outfit.

Oh, gee, Woody, I haven't
had time to rehearse.

I don't know anything
about being a clown.

Got any last-minute
advice for me?

Just be yourself.

Ah. Words of wisdom.

Well, I'm out of here, okay?

You think Bozo the Shrink
can really cut it?

Are you kidding?
That stuff is foolproof.

The squirting flower,
the horn, the trick handkerchief--

What trick handkerchief?
You never showed us that.

That's the best one of all.

You pull the handkerchief
out of your pocket,

and your pants fall down.

Underneath I'm wearing

these ridiculous
big red polka-dot shorts.

It's a riot.

You mean, Frasier's supposed
to be wearing those shorts?

Oh, no.

I forgot to give my underwear
to Dr. Crane.

I should call--

Oh no, no, I got to get
to the theater.

Listen, Carla.
Somebody should warn him.

- Would you call him?
- Of course.

Okay, kids, you say "hi" to Binky.

Hi, Binky.

Binky, do your act.

I don't have an act.
I'm a psychiatrist.

Show them your funny feet.

I can't.
I've got these big shoes on.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Say, kids, what do you think
of these feet?

I got such big feet

because my mother
was a goose.

Want to hear me honk?

The real clown
was killed.

Rebecca,
what am I gonna do?

I don't know what
you're gonna do,

but you better think of something
quick 'cause you're mak--

Do the flower deal.

Oh. You mean this.

Hey, they like it.

You want to see that again,
kids?

Yeah!

I'm a clown.
I'm a clown.

Hey, guys,
wait till you hear this.

I'm sitting at a table
in this restaurant

with Judy and Laurie.

The mother reaches over
and grabs my knee, and says,

"Sam, I want you."

Get out.

Then, I feel the daughter
reaching over

and grabbing my other knee.

She says,
"I want you, too, Sammy."

Well, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Then I woke up.

You know what this dream
means, don't you?

It means you even dream
better than we do.

No. It means that Frasier's right,

that my conscience
is getting to me.

I must feel bad

that I'm going out
with this woman

while I'm trying to score
with her daughter at the same time.

Sammy, you're scaring me.

How do you think I feel?

This hasn't ever
happened to me before.

You don't think that...

That I'm getting scruples?

Now, you just stop it
right there, buddy boy.

You're talking crazy.

Damn it.
I really hate this.

I keep hearing
this little voice

and this time it's coming
from my brain.

It won't shut up.

I got this feeling that it's
going to keep nagging me

Until I just
do the right thing

and break it off
with the daughter.

Wait. Sammy, Sammy, listen.

I could probably weather
this scruples stuff,

but the guys,

I mean, they look up to you
so much.

Sammy. Sammy.

Please. Reconsider, okay?

A mother and her daughter.

This was gonna be something
I could tell my grandchildren.

Sam, Sam, Sam.

Listen, guys.

I just have to do
the right thing here.

- Hi.
- Hi.

What are you doing?

I want to talk to you.

I hope I'm doing the right thing
coming to you.

My mom doesn't know I'm here.

I don't know
how to ask you this.

I've never done it before.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

Go on.

Sam, when I was a little girl,
I used to think

you were the most wonderful man
in the whole world,

and I still do.

But I'm not a little girl anymore.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

Could you wait a minute?

I'll be right back.

Remember those scruples?

To the showers.

Say, Laurie...

I want to tell you
how happy I am that you feel

you can come and talk to me

because I feel
that you and I have this--

Oh. Look at that.
A new ring?

That's what I came
to ask you.

- What?
- I'm getting married.

And I want you
to give me away.

Well, you little sl--sly one.

Who's the lucky guy?

He's a guy I met at school.

We've been going together
a couple of years.

You know, he's a lot
like a young you, Sam.

Thank you.

I can't wait to give you away.

Thank you, Uncle Sammy!

I love you.

Yeah, whatever.
Run along.

- I'm so sorry.
- Don't feel bad, Sammy.

I let you guys down.

Listen, Sammy.

Sure, things didn't go
your way.

And sure,
we're a little disappointed.

But we'll get over it.

What's important here is

that you tried to do
the wrong thing.

Hey, that's right.
I did, didn't I?

Sammy. Sammy. Sammy.

Thank you.
Okay, now.

I think there's some more
cake and ice cream in there for you.

Oh, Binky,
you were wonderful.

I must admit
I was a bit worried at first.

It took us quite a while
to warm up to you.

Well, thank you,
kind lady.

Actually,
I have a confession to make.

I'm really Dr. Frasier Crane,
practicing psychiatrist.

Clowning is my avocation.

And Miss Howe.

I will be sure to mention
to my husband

the splendid work
you did on this party.

Thank you,
Mrs. Ridgeway.

Now, if you will excuse me
for a moment.

You have no idea
how lucky we are.

That was Woody
on the phone.

He called
to check up on us.

That handkerchief
is a trick handkerchief.

If you had pulled that
out of your pocket,

your pants would have fallen
down around your ankles,

and we would have seen
those skimpy underpants.

Oh, good Lord.
That's not the half of it.

You see, I took off that
French torture device

Lilith got me
earlier today.

I've been doing this
al fresco.

Dr. Crane, would you
come here for a moment?

I'd like you
to meet my mother.

Why, yes, I'd be delighted to.

I've heard such
wonderful things about her.

Ah-choo!

Gesundheit, madam.
Here's my handkerchief.

No!

- Aah!
- Aah!

Mother! Mother!