All language subtitles for Cheers.S07E07.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

You're up pretty late, aren't you?

Nothing better to do than watch TV?

Feeling a little lonely in the big city?

Come and join the party.

Call 555-P-R-T-Y

for the best party line in Boston.

That's right. There are lots of fun people
on the line right now

waiting for you to join in their fun talk.

Only $2.00 plus toll, if any,

for a three-minutes of party-line madness.

Why don't you try us?

There's only one way to find out

what sort of wild people
call the party-line.

Dial 555-P-R-T-Y.

Hi. My name's Woody.
I'm from Indiana, and I'm--

Oh, hi, Mr. Clavin. Hey.

How about over here
by the bar, Miss Howe?

Do we really have to do this?

- What's going on?
- I'll be right with you.

The Globe is doing an article
on women who run pubs,

and now he wants to
take my picture.

I really dread this.

Why?

Because I get so tensed up
in front of a camera,

all of a sudden I start looking
like something the cat coughed up.

Can I have an eight-by-ten
for my mantelpiece?

How about a two-by-four
for your bridgework?

Listen. Let me give you
a few hints here.

I had a lot of pictures taken of me
when I was playing ball.

Just relax. Take the tip of
your tongue and wet your lips.

Good. Now, wet my lips.

Oh, come on.

Uh-oh, you're tensing up, now.
Just relax.

Thank you.

Oh! Wait a minute!
You can't use that picture.

I had my tongue sticking out.

Can I have three copies of that?

Now, please, take another picture
And warn me this time.

I want this to look natural
and spontaneous.

Come on, come on. You got to relax.
Think of something ridiculous.

Like what?

Like him.

Hey, you're better than the Snoopy puppets
I use with the kids.

Thanks, Miss Howe.

Boy, oh, boy.

How many times have
I walked through that door?

Yep. Good-bye, old bar.

Take care, old stool.

Where you going, Cliff?

I'm going in for surgery tomorrow.

Who knows if I'll ever walk
under God's blue sky again.

It's all up to the man upstairs.

Vic, the maitre d' at Melville's?

Look, Woody... no, never mind.

What are you
talking about?

It took a lot of expensive
and complicated tests, Sammy,

But they finally found out
what that pain was in my abdomen.

The experts... call it appendicitis.

- Aw... jeez!
- Whew!

Cliff ie, come on.
Now, that's a simple thing.

I had it when I was a kid.
There's nothing to it.

I actually liked having
my appendix out.

My parents told me I could have
all the ice cream I wanted.

No, Woody, I think you're talking
about tonsils.

It was a long time ago, Sam,
but I'm pretty sure it was ice cream.

- So when are you going in?
- It's tomorrow.

Now look. I want you guys
to promise me,

you know, if I don't pull
through this thing,

There'll be no big emotional scenes,
no eulogies,

just a small memorial service

where you guys sit around
and tell the funnier stories about me.

Okay. I got dibs on this one.

Great news, everybody.

Lilith and I have just gotten back
from the auto club.

We have
the complete itinerary

For our motoring trip through the USA
in our Chevrolet.

It's a Mercedes, dear.

That was a joke, Frasier.

Oh. I forgot I married a madcap.

Hey, listen, folks. Nobody's really interested
about your little motor trip.

We're talking about my upcoming surgery.
So now, where was I?

So are you going to
see the Grand Canyon?

Yeah. Don't miss Yosemite.

Listen, if you go to the alligator farm
outside Tallahassee,

tell Ivar Woody says "hey, hey."

Of course.

Okay, gather around, everybody.
I'll show you the interstates we're gonna take.

- Sam, can I talk to you for a minute?
- Sure. Have a seat.

Frasier and I will be covering
over 4,500 miles round-trip,

And I think It's only fair that I share
some of the driving.

However, I am handicapped
by one tiny thing.

I've never operated
a motorized vehicle before.

You don't know how to drive?

I always meant to learn,
but when I was a teenager,

I was too busy having fun.

Would you teach me, Sam?

Uh, what
about Frasier?

We're too close.

I need someone to whom I have
no emotional attachment whatsoever.

So, as a friend, would you do me
this favor?

Yeah, why not?
When do we start?

The sooner the better.

How do you think I'll do?

I've never had a woman in a car
that didn't do great.

Wonderful. You teach me to drive,
I'll help you with your sense of humor.

Here's where you got to be
real careful. You see,

I-75 runs right down here Into I-39.
If you don't stay in the far left lane,

It's hello, Tulsa!

Well, I got to be
moseying on, you guys.

I'll, you know, see you later.

I'm going under the knife
in about 12 hours or so.

Now, look, don't feel that you have to
go out of your way to stop by and visit.

New England Presbyterian,
room one-niner-four,

Visiting hours between 11:00 and 9:00.

Cliff ie, I'm sure everything
is gonna be just okay.

Oh, yeah, well, no, sure, there's no...

You know, I'm in the hands
of skilled professionals.

It's not like the old days, is it,
where they

give you a shot of whiskey,
lick the scalpel, and go a-carving, eh?

You know, the same is true
in my profession.

Time was when a person's behavior
deviated in any way

from what society
considered normal,

the town barber would
take a rusty drill,

bore a hole in your head,
and let the evil spirits out.

Well, good thing we didn't live
back then, huh?

Yeah, you'd be looking pretty much like
a Wiffle ball by now, wouldn't you?

I don't believe you guys.
That's it. I'm leaving.

Fine! Fine! Who needs your kind
around here anyway?

Gentlemen.

I think that this bar is
big enough for people

who like The Addams Family
and The Munsters.

Okay, all right, fine.

I'll take back what
I said about Cousin lt.

That's okay.
It was in the heat of the moment.

All right.

Hey, hey, hey, here's that article
they interviewed Rebecca for.

- Look at that.
- Oh, hey, how's her picture?

- There isn't one.
- Oh, God.

It was so crummy,
they didn't even print it.

Oh, wait a minute.
There it is, right there on the back.

- How is it?
- Eew!

Is it that bad?

No. Norm got Cheez Whiz
all over the paper.

- Actually, the picture's not bad.
- Not bad?

- It's great.
- Let me see that.

This is a decent picture of me.
Look at that. I'm gorgeous and sexy!

And dead as a door nail.

- What?
- You're in the obituaries.

Oh, God!

Now, don't feel bad.
It says you died in bed.

I didn't know you helped build
the Panama Canal.

Woody, that is
someone else's obituary.

I am not dead. I'm a living,
breathing human being.

I know that.

So where did they
put all the dirt, anyway?

Excuse me, can I get someone
to sign for these?

Yo, right over here.

Let's see these.

Oh, they're from
corporate headquarters.

Did we do well last month?

"Dear friends at Cheers,

we mourn the loss of Rebecca Howe.

At last her pain is over."

I'm gonna call them up
and straighten this out

Before they start making
funeral arrangements.

If I were you,
I'd have a closed casket.

Yeah, well, why Grandpa Munster
never won an Emmy,

I'll never know.

Come on. Maybe it's because
he stole his whole character from Uncle Fester.

Oh, Lord,
is this still going on?

This has got to be one of the stupidest
arguments I've ever heard

- since I started coming to this bar.
- Hey, we resent that.

Yeah. Why wasn't it the stupidest?

Well, frankly, it lacks meaningless statistics
and inane historical trivia.

Say, where is Cliff anyway?

Yeah, is he still in the hospital?

Uh, I don't know. How's he doing?

I thought you were
going to go see him.

Well, I tried, I mean, I got
as far as the hospital lobby,

But you know, the smell of alcohol
makes me really queasy.

I was going to see him, but I got to wait
until I have a night off here.

Woody, how about you?

Oh, that's what this string
on my finger is for.

What the heck is this one for?

Well, surely, somebody
gave him a call

Or sent flowers?

Card?

Carla?

Yeah, right.

Look, this is terrible.

Don't you realize that since Cliff's mother
moved to Florida,

we are his sole support group?

This desertion in his hour of crisis
could cause him deep emotional scars.

So why don't you go see him?

What, I don't have a life?

I think we ought
to go down there right now

and tell Mr. Clavin
how we feel about him.

Don't you think that
would be a little cruel?

I mean, the guy just
had an operation.

Actually, visiting hours are over.

- We're gonna have to wait until tomorrow.
- Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute.
Cliff's at New England Presbyterian.

It's on my rounds. I have to go by there tonight.
I can get in to see him.

Great! Why don't you
go buy a card

and date it yesterday, and sign all our
names to it, okay?

- Yeah.
- Slam dunk.

Is that going to be enough?

Come on. It's just an appendectomy.
They're taking out a useless organ.

He's chock-full of those.

Excuse me, I'm Dr. Crane.

Where is Mr. Clavin?

He was just discharged.

Oh, great. Just my luck.

I'm the one who gets to run
all over town to find a stupid card

For the idiot Clavin,
he isn't even here.

Just a token
of how much we care.

Don't you want
to read the card?

I just forgot my jacket.

You're going
to hear it anyway, Cliff.

"Glad you're feeling better.

So sorry you were ill.

If you thought things
were bad before,

wait till you get the bill."

Oh, that zesty
greeting card humor.

Well, gee, Cliff, we're
just trying to help.

You want to help?

Well, uh, maybe you could
help with this.

I, uh...

I've been doing
some soul-searching.

A man gets a lot
of time to think

With a tube up his nose.

What I realize is that, well,

I'm alone in this world.

Nobody came to visit me.

Not one of my so-called friends
out there

Even bothered to walk
through that door.

Look, and they all feel
terrible about it, Cliff.

They lead busy lives.
They just couldn't find the time--

Come on, doc,
cut the malarkey, will you?

They found the time to visit Sammy
when he was in the hospital.

Carla, when she had the twins.

Normie when he went in
for the butt tuck.

I know why they didn't visit.

It's because it was me.

No, Cliff.

Oh, yeah. Come on, doc.

They don't like me.
They don't really care.

Come on, you can tell me the truth.

Go ahead. Right between the eyes,
give it to me.

Well, I suppose you're not the most
popular person in the bar.

Oh, and you are, huh?

Doc, do you suppose comments like that
are part of the problem?

Could be.

God, I don't believe it.

I mean, all these years,
and I never realized it.

Could I really be
that insensitive?

Cliff.

Oh, God. I am insensitive.

Hey, sorry there,
old-timer.

What can I do about it?

A little therapy
might not be amiss.

Oh, no, doc. isn't there
something better than therapy?

Something a little quicker?
You know, a little easier?

We're talking about a major personality change,
Cliff. It's not you're trying to quit smoking.

We can't give you an electric shock
every time you reach for a cigarette.

Hey, yeah, that's not
a bad idea.

Now just calm down.

Maybe I'm overstating
the problem.

Maybe all you need to get people
to like you a little better

ls just some good
old-fashioned politeness.

Maybe you don't need to take
any desperate measures.

Oh, yes, he does.

So you get a hold of him?

No, no. I just get the darn answering machine
all the time.

I hate that message.

It's not so much
the content of the message.

It's the fact that Cliff sings it to
the tune of Volare.

Well, he's got to come back
sooner or later.

Look, I suggest that when he does,

We all give him
a very warm welcome.

- Yeah.
- Good idea.

Well, all I'm promising
is not to treat him like a bug.

Well, you see Carla's willing to go
that extra mile.

Hello, Frasier.

Ah.

Hello, blossom-bottom,
how was your lesson?

I like driving.
It's a wonderful feeling.

Total control
of woman over machine--

The speed, the power,
the ecstasy... I was jazzed.

You know,

You're insane.

You're a maniac.
You're certifiable.

I'm glad to see
you're talking to me again.

Has your nose
stopped bleeding?

Jeez, Sam,
are you all right?

No thanks to your wife.

I cannot believe you made that gesture
to that guy.

I see people make that gesture
to Frasier all the time.

Yeah, but Frasier's not driving
an 18-wheeler

with a little bumper sticker
that says "insured by Smith & Wesson."

Well, he cut me off.

That happens all the time.

It doesn't mean that you gun it up to 80
and run the guy off the road.

I blew his doors off, didn't I?

And the last thing you want to do
is stop the car, get out,

And start poking your finger
in the folds of his neck.

I wasn't afraid. I thought
you could handle him.

Yeah, well, I tried, didn't I?

Oh, yes, that vicious head butt
to his fist sent him reeling.

Come on, honey.
Let's hurry and have lunch.

I'm anxious to take you
for a spin.

Certainly, my dear.

Lots of luck, doc,
you know, she's a menace.

You are a hazard to every driver
and pedestrian on the road.

I'll tell you something else.
You shouldn't be allowed to get

anywhere near anything with wheels
because you are by far

the worst, the most dangerous,
the most maniacal driver I've ever seen!

I was fine.

Now, Cliff, let me
remind you again,

that it's extremely unorthodox to use
shock aversion treatment

outside the clinic.
I make no guarantees--

Yeah, look, we covered all that.

It's time to go for broke,
all right?

Whatever you say.
Are your contacts in place?

Yeah, here, better test it
just to make sure.

Good idea.
Say something obnoxious.

What do you mean, obnoxious?
I don't know what's obnoxious.

You're the
so-called expert.

Eeh! Perfect.

Guys, look. It's Cliff.
He's back.

Ok, remember, this is his first time back
since the operation,

So just make a big welcome for him

and act like you're interested
in everything he has to say.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey!

Yay!

All right!

Hey, hardly recognized you
out of uniform, big guy.

Yeah, listen, we're so sorry
we didn't come down to the hospital.

No problem.

So how was the operation?

Yeah, yeah, how much did they shave?

I don't want to bore you
with stories about me.

I'm more interested in what
you guys have been up to.

I don't know, uh...

- Usual stuff--
- No, no. Don't be shy.

Come on, share with me.

Sam's giving Dr. Sternin
driving lessons.

Should be giving her
personality lessons.

Eeh!

But, uh, who among us is perfect?

So, uh...

When are you getting
back to the route?

Doc said an ordinary guy
would be out for three weeks,

but with my incredible
physical stamina...

Uhh! Three weeks.

Cliff ie, are you okay?

- You know--
- Oh, yeah. A little pain from the stitches.

- Mmm, oh, wow.
- You know, it's lucky you dropped by.

We were having this argument.
Maybe you can settle it for us.

We were wondering who came up
with that great post office phrase--

You know, rain, sleet,
dark of night--

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Excuse me.

- He did ask.
- Okay, but keep it short.

Well, then... you know,
interestingly enough,

it harks back to the early
Persian empire, about 500 BC.

- Is that right?
- Good.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
As a matter of fact,

A lot of our ancient wonders
are postal-related.

- Get out.
- Oh, yeah, no, really.

The pyramids, for example--
they were post offices.

And the Sphinx-- that was
a late night drop-off. Eeh!

But... I digress.

- Cliff...
- Huh?

When you were in the hospital,
did they give you a lobotomy?

I mean, it suits you.

Oh, boy, did I miss
this good-natured ribbing. Eeh!

Excuse me.

Getting a little trigger-happy
with that thing, aren't you?

- You sounded a little sarcastic.
- I wasn't being sarcastic.

Judgment call.

Fair enough.

Welcome back, Cliff.

Eeh!

- What the hell was that for?
- Oh, sorry, thumb spasm.

Well, it's good to be back.
So who's going to buy me a beer? Eeh!

Come on. It was a joke, you bozo.

Eeh! Stop that.
Eeh! I said stop that!

All right,
the experiment's off! Eeh!

You're a quack! Eeh!
Eeh! Eeh! Eeh! Eeh!

Okay! Let's see how you like it, pal.

Remember, we still have
your deposit on that unit!

So, what were we talking about?

Cliff... what's going on here?

Where?

Come on, Cliff.

Well, it's some harebrained scheme
I came up with.

When you guys didn't visit me
in the hospital,

I knew it was because I wasn't popular.

So I... went down to this
aversion therapy place

And bribed the guy to give me a shock
every time I acted like a jerk.

I thought it could make me
a different person.

Guess it didn't work, huh?

I'd better be going.

I'll see you guys later.

As a matter of fact,
I guess I won't, huh?

He'll be back.

- Yeah, sure he will.
- I don't know.

Yeah, he kind of sounded
different this time.

Somebody ought
to go get him.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah,

But who?

I want Norm.

- Looks like you're up, big fellow.
- Yeah.

I'll have to see if I can go catch him, huh?

Cliff ie!

Cliff.

Come back in here, you big mug.

You know we love you, huh?
This place wouldn't be the same without you.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

No, and we owe you a big apology

for not going to visit you
in the hospital.

And?

We're sorry we made you feel

like you had to do all that
dumb shock therapy stuff.

- Yeah.
- Absolutely.

And?

And, uh... it wasn't really necessary

'cause we're the jerks, and you're not.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

And?

Don't push it, Clavin.

Now, now, Carla, stop your blubbering.

Well, I guess I'm a big enough man
to accept your apologies,

And I guess there are one or two things
I could change about my personality,

and, well, let's start with this.
innkeeper,

champagne on me for all my friends.

- Oh.
- All right.

- Great.
- All right.

- Sammy?
- Yeah.

Let's make it the cheap stuff, okay?

Unh!

All right,
who's got the button?

Not here.

Dance, mailman.