Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

And we're on the help line with...

Oh. Me. Hi.

Hello? My name is Re... Rapunzel.

And I'm sorry if I sound a little bit nervous,

but this is the first time I've ever called

a radio show for help.

But I have this problem and it's so horrendous

that I didn't have any place else to turn.

Now, I have this new boss at work.

And he's incredibly rich and he's incredibly powerful,

but he's also sort of...

Oh, God, how can I put this without sounding mean...

...a weaselly little twerp.

Anyway, this guy asked me out.

And to get out of going out with him, I told him

that I was going with this guy named Sam... son.

So Samson, who can be an incredible jerk sometimes,

told my boss, the twerp, that we broke up.

All right. So my boss...

The twerp?

Right. My boss asked me out, and you're not gonna believe this...

He proposed to me.

I mean, the only thing I could think of to do

without jeopardizing my career was to tell my boss

that I was still in love with Samson.

But I cannot keep avoiding the guy.

As an example, he is upstairs right now

having lunch at Mel... Monaco.

Melmonaco's.

The thing is that now I'm worried.

Do you think I did the right thing?

I think so.

Now, did you have a gardening question?

You called the Dr. Green Thumb show.

Just a reminder, Rapunzel, plant your bulbs early.

That's a beautiful birdie you got there on the ninth.

You guys are playing golf today, eh?

Yeah. Nothing like bashing the ol' pill around.

Young Woody Nicklaus here broke 80.

All right, good man.

You shot under 80 for 18 holes?

Well, no, actually, it was 17.

The 18th hole's the windmill.

If you're stupid enough to play that one,

it's going to eat your little colored ball.

You were playing miniature golf?

Do you have any idea how long those real golf courses are?

Gentlemen, that was a pretty poor showing for a power lunch.

Ralph, you're going to have to start doing

something more than just taking up space at these meetings.

How does a guy so young get to be so incredibly powerful?

I just try to maintain a cheerful attitude

and not abuse my position.

I recently read a Forbes profile on our young Mr. Teal.

Apparently, he started with his father's firm,

kicked the old guy out when he was 17,

- hasn't looked back since. - Big deal.

Did he ever win a purple ribbon in the Jefferson county spelldown?

Anathema. A-N-A-T-H-E-M-A.

Anathema.

Touché, Woody.

Touché. T-O-U-C-H-É.

And a little slanty line.

Touché.

Excuse me. ls Miss Howe in?

She's in her office. You want me to go get her?

No. Don't bother.

Dennis.

Miss Howe?

- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.

The master of the universe awaits your presence.

Dennis, I sense bitterness.

I've never heard you talk like this before.

Oh, I could tell you stories, honey.

Here she is, sir, per your request.

So, how's the greatest love story ever told working out?

Sam and I are just as steady as ever.

As steady as yesterday when you broke up twice?

Things are different. It's more serious.

I won't consider it really serious until I see a ring on your finger.

Well, what I meant by serious is...

Is that Sam and I are engaged.

Hey, everybody.

Congratulations, Sammy.

What for? She was just a stewardess.

Stop joking, you big lug, and come here.

Can you excuse us just a second, Martin?

We have to discuss our silver pattern.

Dennis, get me the papers on the Trackwell merger.

Just keep your stupid mouth shut, and smile.

We're engaged.

Well. Great. Well, let's begin the honeymoon.

Sam, we're not actually getting married.

Well, that's even better. I can enjoy the honeymoon.

Come on, Sam.

It's just a way to get Martin off my back.

Oh, dear! You mean the problem-free relationship

suddenly developed a glitch?

I can't very well tell the future president of the corporation no.

I'd never work again.

Please, Sam, just help me out here.

Just until Martin gets over me.

- Come on. - I don't know. I...

You know, if I go along with this, will you go to bed with me?

Let's put it this way, if you don't go along with this,

I will never go to bed with you.

All right. So in other words...

if I don't... no, wait. That means if you...

All right, this is me, this is you, this is the bed.

Sam, just do it!

I don't personally think we need the salad forks, honey,

but you're the entertainer in the family.

Well, I suppose congratulations are in order.

Oh, well, thank you, sir.

Yeah, I never thought I'd get her, but it looks like

Becky here is going to be my ever-loving, everlasting, little bundle of kisses.

Little bundle of open-mouth kisses.

Isn't he sweet?

I'd like to propose a toast to the happy couple,

and especially to Rebecca Howe,

the only thing I ever wanted and haven't gotten.

Same here.

Will you excuse me just for a minute?

Hey, Sammy!

Quite a squeeze-a-rooni you got there.

I had no idea.

Sammy, tell me it isn't true.

Carla, come on. It's not true.

I knew that. You're a lousy actor.

I'm pretty good, though, huh?

Well, actually, Carla,

as a student of the theater, I have to correct you.

What you were doing there is not called acting.

It's called improvising.

Shut up, Woody.

Now, that would be directing.

So when's the big event?

I was kind of planning on tonight.

You're getting married tonight?

Married? Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I thought you were talking about something else.

It is definitely not gonna be tonight.

The important thing is, that we are as one for evermore,

honeys till the end of time.

Well, Sam, I guess you wouldn't be interested

in spending the next month tending bar at a seaside resort

we reopened in Cancun.

I'm there! Whoa, hey.

- Sam! - Oh, right. Yeah.

That wouldn't be fair to Rebecca here.

Who could we get to replace me?

No problem. I'll make an exchange with the bartender down there.

Well, then I'm out of here.

Hey, I'll see you in a month.

- Adios, amigos! - Sam?

Sam! Sam?

Sam.

Martin, is this your little way of breaking Sam and me up?

It's a bona fide offer. I need an experienced man down there.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking that when Sam gets down there,

and he's all alone, he's gonna start roving.

Well, I can tell you this, you can send Sam away

for a month or a year, and he will only think of me.

Excuse me.

Do they have drugstores there, or should I pack an extra bag?

Ramon, Ramon, Ramon.

You have been a terrific replacement for Sammy.

I'm really gonna be sorry to see you go.

Although I will enjoy watching you walk up the stairs.

Mi corazón Está Triste

Porque voy extrañar toda la gente de Cheers.

Mi Carlita.

La más que todas.

-Adios, amigos. - Bye. Take care of yourself.

I don't know what that Latin lover said,

but I sure dig the way he said it.

If you ask me, Ramon's a lot more Latin than lover.

You know, study after study show that the old sons of Spain

just don't have our sexual prowess.

Cliff ie, nobody has your sexual prowess.

Thanks, man.

You know, it seems that the tropical sun

dries out a man's vital juices.

You ever seen a raisin?

Have you ever seen a doctor?

Sam was supposed to be in hours ago.

Has anybody heard from him yet?

No one's heard a word from him in weeks.

Hello, Rebecca.

Heard from Sam recently?

Have I?

Every hour on the hour.

It's almost embarrassing.

Well, then what's happened seems all the more curious.

What's happened?

According to our reports,

Mr. Malone missed the corporate jet home.

I'm sure there's a simple explanation.

I'll just call Cancun this afternoon and find out what the trouble is.

We have Cancun on the line.

You're so helpful.

I'm five months from retirement.

Hello? Sam, hi, this is Rebecca.

You must have missed your plane, you naughty boy.

So when should I pick you up at the airport, my darling?

Sam?

Sam? Hello?

Sam? Sam?

Hello, operator? Operator?

Yes, I was just talking to my fiancé and...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Me talk-o to me boy-o amigo in Cancun,

and we were cut off-o.

It's a beautiful language, isn't it?

What? You no operator?

You booseboy?

Oh, busboy.

Okay, adiós.

No, no adiós.

Damn.

Thank you, Dennis.

Rebecca, you're not losing anything in Sam.

I hear he hasn't stopped fooling around since he got down there.

- You had him watched? - I didn't have to.

The man's escapades have become legendary.

The Indians in the mountains sing a folk song about him.

Rebecca, let me help you take your mind off your problems.

I'll pick you up for dinner,

maybe a drink, a trip to Paris, a few laughs.

Martin, not tonight. I really need time to get over this.

Well, then, tomorrow night. I won't take no for an answer.

I got him.

I caught my little Ricardo Montalbán just as he was getting into a cab.

Go get your little apron on, honey.

Carla, how come you call Ramon Ricardo Montalbán?

Because his tight little chinos

are so packed with rich Corinthian leather.

Oh, yeah, I see now that you mention it.

I'd... I'd hate to change the subject,

but I don't know if anyone else recognizes

we seem to have a little problem here.

Oh, you need another beer, Mr. Peterson?

Okay, we have two problems.

There's a distinct possibility that Sammy may never come back.

Frankly, I don't blame him. Beautiful weather, miles of beaches.

Yeah, chicks.

No suits, no rules, no tight shoes to pinch your feet.

It would be good to get out of the city a little bit, wouldn't it?

I got five vacation days coming to me.

Say, it may be a crazy idea, but why don't we go down there, too?

Lie out in the sun for a while, work on that old mañana attitude.

Should we do it? What do you say, guys?

Ah, maybe tomorrow.

Excuse me, bartender.

Can we get a couple of piña coladas over here?

Sure thing. Let me just finish making this margarita.

So, anyway, Margarita...

Buenas noches, amigos.

Hey!

- ¿Que tal, Pepe? - Los calzones, Sammy.

Esta agua Está muy fría.

Good one, man. Good one.

Let's go, Sam. We're leaving. I have a cab outside.

Beckita, what are you doing here?

I took the liberty of stopping by your room

and packing your bags.

I can't believe you didn't pack one pair of underpants.

Now, come on. We're going home.

Home? Sweetheart. I'm...

This is home. I love this place.

Sam, we are leaving and we are leaving now.

I'm not gonna get stuck with Martin.

Oh, right. The little one.

Sweetheart, yeah, I gotta tell ya,

I think it's high time you told him the truth.

I can't tell him the truth. I'll get fired.

Well, they got plenty of good job opportunities down here.

Can you paint pictures on turtles?

Sam, I am asking you,

not as a woman speaking to a man,

I'm asking you as a friend. Please, Sam,

when you look back at all the countless selfish,

petty, vindictive things you've done in your life,

wouldn't it be wonderful if you could say, for one brief moment,

that you did something good and fine?

This shouldn't be turning me on, should it?

That's it.

- cerveza, Sammy. - Be right there, Pepe.

If you won't listen to my pleas, maybe you'll listen to this.

You're coming with me, Sam.

Now, let's not do anything crazy here.

I bet you wish you had those underpants now.

Listen, I'm going to just reach out my hand here real slowly.

I want you to relax and take your finger off the trigger.

Just put the gun in my hand.

I'm sorry. It's not loaded.

I mean, I'm sorry. Period. It's not loaded. Period.

It's all right, everybody. It was just a joke.

I'm gonna go now.

Where do you think you're going?

You can't just walk out of here. You pulled a gun on me

in a resort in the middle of a foreign country.

They have laws, you know. Don't they?

Good-bye, Sam.

- Pobrecita. - Oh, no.

She's like that all the time.

This isn't even a bad day for her.

¿Son todas las babes de Boston locas como esta?

No. She's kind of the queen of loco.

I mean, she was nutty the first day I met her.

She's hyper. You know what I mean? Hyper?

All she thinks about is her stupid career

and she keeps blowing it.

I can't tell you how many times

I've had to pull that lady's fat out of the fire.

Get this... you know, this is her latest escapade.

She wants me to pretend to be her fiancé

because she doesn't want to marry this pint-sized executive back home.

And what do I get for my troubles?

A gun stuck in my face.

You know what the sorriest thing is?

Me.

I still like her.

Why is that, Pepe?

Nice buns, Sammy?

You people see things so clearly.

Hey, Ramon, listen. We're heading over

to casa de Clavin for our weekly video film classic.

You want to take Sammy's seat?

I'm busy.

I got it rented for a couple of days. How about tomorrow night?

- I am busy. - Yeah?

Sorry.

He's a nice guy, that Ramon, but he's no Sammy, is he, now?

But then again, Cliff ie...

He's a lot more Sammy than you and I will ever be.

Hey, boss. The last of the riffraff just cleared outta here.

You want to lock up?

Sure, Carla. Can you show me how a key works again?

Oh, brother. You been in there drinking all night?

Carla, I am celebrating.

I think that I am the luckiest woman in the world.

I'm going to marry the geek tycoon.

And you know, he's gonna give me money and jewels

and all sorts of rich stuff.

I'm gonna be so rich, I can stink, and no one will even tell me.

I'm sure you two will be very happy together.

I'm sure I will, too.

I'm gonna spend the rest of my life

living in big, old mansions, wearing fabulous clothes,

and being real nasty to the help.

You feeling sorry for yourself

because you have to marry a rich guy?

Come on, Carla, you wouldn't trade Eddie for him.

I'd trade Eddie for a ride in his car.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a spam casserole lurking in the oven.

Hey, we're the same size.

Hi, honey. You're home.

See? Aren't I gonna make you a wonderful wife?

You've been drinking, haven't you?

Just a sippy or two to celebrate.

Well, now that Sam's out of the picture,

I assume that leaves the path clear for me.

Shall we proceed?

Rebecca, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?

I guess.

Outstanding. Shall we set a date?

Whenever. I don't care.

You're about to see my impulsive side.

This is Justice of the Peace Wilson.

These are four dozen long-stemmed red roses.

I'm the prospective bridegroom.

Guess what you are?

Dead meat on a hook?

Martin, you can't do this.

My parents aren't here.

Your parents aren't here.

My mother passed away, and you know my father.

Dennis?

Welcome to the family.

Rebecca, you should know by now that I haven't gotten where I am

by waiting for things to come to me.

As far as I'm concerned, this is a done deal.

So, let's make it legal.

Hey, baby, I'm back! Call off the Federales.

Sam!

I couldn't stay away from you for another second, my darling.

Kiss me.

Hey, did I interrupt something here?

No, Martin and I were just gonna get married.

But now that you're back...

Ah, Martin...

I'm so sorry.

This is really tearing me apart,

but I need to follow my heart.

Well, if that's what you feel, Rebecca, you got it.

I hope you two will be very happy together,

but remember, you blew it in a big, big way.

I hope this won't affect our business relationship.

Why should it?

Gee, when I sober up, I'm probably gonna worry about this.

Better not let that happen.

I don't believe this.

You came all the way back here just for me?

I just feel so terrible for everything I ever said or did to you.

Well, gee, now, there must be some way you can thank me.

You're right, Sam.

I think the time has finally come.

Yeah.

You've waited long enough.

Oh, no.

That's funny. Usually they pass out afterwards.

No, no. I am a gentleman.

But I may never have this chance again.