Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Good gravy. Look here.

It says that one out of every three of our leisure dollars

is spent in some kind of amusement park.

Mickey Mouse is a billion-dollar industry.

For crying out... You know, if you gotta have theme parks,

why not give the kids some real heroes to look up to.

You know what I mean?

Like generals or astronauts, postal workers, pioneers...

Back up there, Cliff.

Postal workers?

Sure. Why not?

Hey, why not, indeed.

Get this...

Postal World.

No, hey.

That's not half bad.

No. It's all bad.

No. Just imagine this,

a whole amusement complex devoted to the postal experience.

All America could thrill to the glory

and the pageantry and the passion that is the US Postal Service.

And you seriously think that will work?

You bet I do.

If I can peddle this idea,

I might be able to make some real money

and get out of this dead-end job.

We got a delivery here for a Woody Boyd.

Already? Oh, boy!

Great. Sign right there.

Hey, Sam, you think Miss Howe would mind

if I put this in her office till the end of my shift?

That depends. What's in it?

4,000 Bees.

Then, by all means.

Woody, I didn't know you kept bees.

Are you kidding?

Hey, when I was kid, you couldn't keep me away

from my uncle Fergie's hives.

In fact, you'll never guess what they used to call me.

"The kid rolling around on the ground

in agony covered with painful welts"?

No. Woody, the beekeeper.

But you couldn't have known that.

Yeah, uncle Fergie always told me that when he retired,

he'd send me a batch of his best buck fast bees.

This is gonna be great.

Woody, are you sure it's safe to keep those things in here?

Mr. Clavin, a bee won't hurt you unless you scare him.

Like my Uncle Fergie always told me,

"Move slowly and methodically and a bee can be your best friend."

Go for it, Cliff. It's the best offer you ever had.

Oh, well, if it isn't the boss lady rolling in at the crack of 3:30.

You know, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to tell your superior

and my close personal friend Mr. Stone that you were late.

You're a lousy snitch, Malone.

Hey, that's not true. I'm gonna tell him you said that.

Tell him whatever you want to tell him. I don't care.

I'm sick and tired of spending my time

catering to the whims of that psycho Stone.

How many "K"s in "psycho"?

Hi, Miss Howe. You got a message.

Mr. Stone got fired,

and the new Executive Vice President wants to see you

in his office, at 4:30 p.m. sharp.

Let me see that.

This is a blank piece of paper, Woody.

I know. I just carried it to remind me to give you the message.

Stone's out?

My main man at HQ?

Boy, there go all my corporate hopes.

Wait a minute. I don't have any corporate hopes.

Well, this lets you off the hook a little bit, doesn't it?

Don't be so sure. Things don't change.

It's just another executive who'll take an instant dislike to me

and then make my life hell.

Unless he's been reading my reports, and sees

that I've been treated unfairly,

and decides to champion me in the firm.

Come off it! I'm sure he's already heard the stories,

and he's just gonna bring me in there and laugh at me.

I need to calm down. I'm beginning to hear buzzing sounds.

What the hell's in this box?

Those are my bees, Miss Howe.

Enough said.

Hey, can I keep them in there till the end of the day?

Sure, anything you want.

In my mood, I'll agree to anything.

Sounds like my cue.

Sammy, for crying out loud.

Why is it always the great ones who never know when to retire?

Hey, come on, I'm the Cy Young of skirt chasers.

Yeah. Cy Young's 108 and dead

and still doing better with Rebecca than you are.

That's all right. I know where my problem was.

I made too big a deal out of everything.

I've always been at my best when I was spontaneous.

I'm just gonna go in here

and say whatever comes to my mind.

- Ready, Norm? - Say, what are those?

Visual aids.

Good afternoon, Miss Howe.

I believe you've met my associate Mr. Peterson.

How do you do?

What is this?

Well, since you admire the people in the business world so much,

I thought that I would try speaking to you

in a language that you might understand.

First graph, please.

Norm, how much did he pay you to do this?

Come now. Mr. Malone and I go way back.

We're dear old friends... $80, not yet.

Okay. Now this first graph represents your dating history.

There's nothing on it.

Exactly! Next graph, please.

Now, this line represents the sexual drive

of a woman about your age throughout her entire life.

Now, this line here represents the sexual drive

of a man about my age.

You'll notice that these two lines

intersect at approximately 4:27 this afternoon right here.

- What's that? - My place.

Thank you, Mr. Peterson. That will be all.

You know, Norm, I would have expected this of Sam,

but I can't believe you were part of it.

Well, it was either this

or listen to Cliff sing the "Ave Maria."

Please. Five more minutes. Could I, please?

I've got work to do here, man.

Well, that concludes the formal part of our program.

Now, let's get naked.

Sam, I am very flattered

that you went to the trouble to buy a pointer.

But I'm not going out with you.

Oh, why?

Because I'm concentrating on my career.

That's fine.

But before you make the final decision on this,

let's try this.

Have sex with me 25 times,

and if at the end of the night you're still not sure,

then I won't say another thing.

No. Sam, look, I have wasted too much time.

I'm not getting any younger, and I've made a decision

to only date men who can help my career.

They have a name for women like that.

Yeah. Vice President.

You know, I'll tell you something, lady.

You know, you go ahead and have a career

of sucking up to people that'll get you ahead.

I wouldn't date you now

if you got down on your hands and knees

and begged me to go out with you.

You want proof?

Go ahead. Come on. Ask me out on a date.

Sam, you've tried this ploy before.

No. I'm serious. Ask me.

- Will you go out with me? - No, not in a million years.

Not if you were the last woman on earth.

Okay, now we know I can do it.

Let's celebrate.

- Here you go, miss. - Thank you.

You work here in headquarters?

No, I'm out in the field in a managerial position.

I'm here for a meeting

with the new Executive Vice-President, Mr. Teal.

He's tough.

You nervous?

Hardly. I've seen so many suits come and go

that now I just take them in stride.

I admire that.

Of course I admire anything with those dark, smoldering eyes.

Excuse me.

If you would like...

It's getting a little crowded in here.

Maybe we could continue this conversation over dinner tonight.

You're asking me to dinner?

Dinner and... who knows?

Well, that sounds fine.

Shall we take my car, or will your mommy be driving us?

What?

Oh, and I have one other strict rule.

I like all my guys to eat all their nice vegetables

and not spill anything on their bibbums.

Mr. Teal, your secretary must have stepped out for a moment.

I'm Rebecca Howe. What an honor to meet you, sir.

No, I'm not Martin Teal.

I am.

I see you've met Dennis, my administrative aide.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Teal, I didn't realize...

My age probably threw you.

As it often does.

After all, how many corporate executives

have graduated from Harvard at 18, Wharton Business School at 20,

and assumed a major leadership role

while still practically in the flower of their youth?

He's fair but firm and hates yes men.

- Thank you, Dennis. - Yes, sir.

Get the door.

I called this meeting

so that we can get better acquainted,

but now I don't suppose that's necessary.

Believe me, Mr. Teal...

May I call you Mister?

I would never have been so harsh with you in that elevator if...

...I hadn't been so...

...powerfully tempted to say yes.

And I couldn't because I make it a policy

to never date anyone in the company.

Mistake.

I think that's a good policy.

Oh, as a policy, yes. I missed the policy part.

Yes, I think that's a very good policy.

That's why I've decided to have you terminated.

Oh, thank you, sir, for easing the tension

of what could have been a very difficult moment.

Yes, I think it's a very good policy not to date fellow employees.

But of course, I'm not an employee, Miss Howe,

I'm an employer.

That's true, sir.

In light of that,

would you like to reconsider my earlier offer of dinner?

Oh, well, now you're forcing me to tell you the real reason

why I couldn't accept your poetic and, may I say,

very touching proposal.

And that reason is that I...

- You're seeing someone else? - That's it!

Very good, sir. Bull's-eye.

Who's the lucky devil?

Oh, it's just somebody at the bar.

Sam Malone.

I see. Well, fair enough.

Margie, have Sam Malone fired.

Forgive me again, Rebecca. We'll say no more about this.

Sit down.

I called you here today

because I've decided to reinstate you

as the sole manager of Cheers.

Thank you, sir. You're a wonderful man.

And I want to assure you

that our earlier misunderstanding will have absolutely no bearing

- on our working relationship. - Good.

I hope you'll forgive me, though, if I do occasionally dream

about your dark, haunting eyes.

Nothing would make my eyes happier, sir.

Well, then there's hope.

Till we meet again?

Margie, get me Sam Malone at Cheers.

Sir?

May I ask why you're calling him?

I just thought I'd introduce myself.

Have a little chat.

I didn't get where I am today without sizing up the competition.

And I suppose you'll be mentioning my relationship with Sam.

It might come up.

Then I'd better come clean.

He's at lunch. Call him back in an hour.

It's a bit late for lunch.

He had a big breakfast.

I have to run, sir. Bye-bye.

Okay, little bee buddies!

Here comes dinner!

Equal parts sugar and water.

Can you blame them for loving it?

Sure nobody wants to help?

No, they're all yours, Woody.

Okay, but you haven't lived

till you've heard the soft, warm, contented hum

of a well-fed hive.

That's not it.

Those bees loose in there?

No, there's nothing to worry about. I'll just go in and round them up.

My uncle Fergie sent his bee-keeping gear

in one of these boxes.

I don't mean to be an alarmist or anything,

but I think I saw one of those bees fly out

when he closed the door.

I, well, I sort of have this thing about insects.

Relax, Frasier. The last thing that bee wants to do is sting you.

- He stings you, he dies. - True.

Unless, of course, it's one of those rare rogue bees.

Frasier, there he is! He just flew down your shirt!

I was wrong. It was just a piece of lint.

Well, thank goodness you told me before I made a fool of myself.

I'm ready, guys.

The smoke will calm them right down so I can get them all rounded up

before Miss Howe even knows about this.

Oh, hi, Miss Howe.

Listen, I was wondering if I could use your phone

for a second in private with you not in there.

Not that there's anything wrong or anything.

Why would I think that?

So...

How did your meeting go?

It was very nice. I met the new boss Mr. Teal.

We exchanged pleasantries.

You're no longer the co-manager

and have been demoted to just bartender.

Demoted? Just like that?

The company didn't even have the courtesy

to give me a phone call?

By the way, Sam, you had a phone call his afternoon.

You've been demoted.

Why didn't you tell me?

Do I look like an answering service for bartenders?

Sam, I do have some really good news, though.

- What? - I'm accepting your offer.

- Which offer is that? - Dinner, silly.

Is this pity? Cause I just want to know how to dress.

No, it's not pity. Boy, from now on, I'm just going to stop being coy.

Cheers.

Sam. Martin Teal for you.

Hello, Mr. Teal.

Oh, no.

There's no need to apologize.

As a matter of fact, I think my new position's

going to get me into all sorts of new positions.

Well, yes.

As a matter of fact, we are going out tonight.

Boy, news travels fast.

Yes, she is beautiful.

I will take good care of her, sir.

Could you hold on for a second here?

I think there's a fire somewhere here.

You're only going out with me

cause you want to avoid this guy, am I right?

Don't be silly, Sam. You're my guy.

Could you hold for a second?

You told me you wanted to go out

with somebody who was rich and powerful.

This guy's rich and powerful. Yet you still want to date me?

Come on. What's wrong with this picture?

Oh... what's wrong with his picture?

I got to see this turnip.

Hel... Yes, sir?

I found out what was on fire there.

Well, Rebecca... Rebecca's burning my love letters.

She says we're all through. Yeah.

What's that, Rebecca? She wants to talk to you, sir.

No.

Hello, sir.

Yes, it is very sudden.

Oh, no. It's going to take me a long, long time to get over this.

8:00 tonight will be fine.

I'll see you then, sir.

Sir? Are you there? Listen...

I hope you do us the honor of coming down

to our establishment for a drink, cause we...

Well, we'd sure love to welcome you aboard.

Okay. Thank you.

No sudden movement.

No need to worry.

I'm just going to take 'em home with me.

I just hope I have exact change for the bus.

No sudden movement.

Oh, I forgot. We close at 2:00.

And I so wanted everyone to meet you, Martin.

Well, maybe next time.

- Hi, Rebecca. - Hi, Rebecca.

What were you all doing down there?

We were playing hide and seek.

Who was seeking?

I guess that's why it was going so slowly.

So you must be Mr. Teal.

Well, this is an honor, sir.

Meet Sam Malone and a bunch of other people.

Yeah, you know,

we've been waiting for this moment for a long time.

Geneva on the car phone, sir.

Will you excuse me for a moment?

Go ahead. Get it over with.

Get what over with?

The stupid cradle robber jokes...

Did I cut his meat at dinner?

Or did he order beanie wienies?

We don't know what you're talking about, Rebecca.

Unless...

...well, he is a little young.

What's wrong with that fact that he's young?

Well, no, nothing at all.

Unless you're planning on taking him across state lines.

Okay, guys,

let's leave these two lovebirds to themselves here.

Well, all right. Home to my swarm.

I just hope they stayed in the room like I told them.

Woody, that swelling go down yet, buddy?

Yeah, almost. I can nearly button my cuffs now.

Well, I hope you had a good time tonight.

No, but at least now I know

why I never stood a chance with you.

I have all these flaws. I'm tall. I'm good-looking.

I'm old enough to vote.

You know, Martin can pick up the phone and get a reservation

at any top restaurant in Boston at a moment's notice.

Oh, and I can't?

Well, pick up the phone and get me a reservation at Chez Maurice.

I already said I can't.

I do have an in at Shea Stadium, though.

All right, granted.

Martin isn't exactly what I pictured, but he can help my career.

And it wouldn't be in my best interests to say no.

Oh, please!

You don't have the guts to say no to this guy.

That is absolutely not true.

I choose to not have the guts to say no to this guy.

And so what if it helps my career? He gets something out of it, too.

- Yeah. I bet he does. - I resent that.

I'll have you know that he has been nothing but a perfect little ge...

A perfect gentleman,

which is something you wouldn't understand, Mr. Groin!

I mean, here are two people

that are getting something out of this,

no strings attached, and nobody's getting hurt.

End of discussion.

Where's Rebecca?

She's in the office, and I'm on my way out.

Sam, before you take off...

Are you planning on winning Rebecca back?

- No. - Excellent.

Because I'm a man who gets what he wants,

and I've decided I want her.

You're giving her a doorknob?

It's a diamond ring, Sam.

You know, isn't a diamond ring what guys usually give

- when they're about to... - That's right, Sam.

When I see something I want, I see no reason to wait for it.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have a deal to close.

Don't take no for an answer, sir.

I never do.

Rebecca?