All language subtitles for Cheers.S07E02.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Woods, refill, please.

Yeah, sure. Whatever you want.

Hey. Why so down
in the mouth there, bud?

Well, I'm understudying another play,

and I know I'm never
going to get to go on

because the star never gets sick.

Darn it, the part is perfect for me.

Yeah? What is that part?

Moses.

My theater group is doing
an original play,

an evening with the prophets.

I've got more lines
than any of the other Israelites.

But I managed to jam them
all in, right up here.

Yeah, your head
looks packed, all right.

Go on, test me. Give me a cue.

All right.

What's the first line?

"And I have said
I will bring you up

out of the affliction of Egypt
into the land of the Canaanites,

and the Hittites,
and the Amorites,

and the Perizzites,
and the Hivites."

Wait, what happened
to the Cellulites?

They settled in the land of Vera.

Did you hear what he said?

- Here we go.
- Thank you.

- Boy, what a day.
- Yeah?

Yeah. I can't wait for it to end.

All I can think about
is getting home

and jumping into bed.

Need anybody to break your fall?

Hi. Sam Malone.

- Hi. Suzanne Porter.
- How are you doing?

Sam, you done
picking up on this lady?

Not quite, Woody.

I'm sorry to interrupt you,
but Denise called.

Oh, Denise.

Who's Denise?

My brother's kid, De-niece.

I have to say hi to her
and De-nephew.

- Hey, hey.
- Very smooth, Sam.

- So who's this Denise, Sam?
- She was somebody.

We had quite a thing
going there a while ago.

Then we both realized
that sex wasn't anything

to base a relationship on.
Six months later, we broke up.

She must be quite a dish

if you're willing to pass up
on door number one over there.

Well, it's kind of like avocados.

One of them's ripe and ready
to be squashed into guacamole.

And the other one needs to stay
on the shelf a little while longer.

Anyway, call her back.
She says it's urgent.

The accent on urge, huh?

Actually, you know, I think

this is a call
I should return in person.

- Sam.
- Hey.

Where are you going?

To my niece's house.
Her grandma's sick.

If it's your niece's grandma,
wouldn't that be your mother?

My mom's sick? Oh, my God!

Excuse me.

Why don't you stick around
for a little while?

My mom bounces right back.

Hey, Sam.

Back from the Denise decathlon?

Got another gold medal
in the broad jump?

You know, you got
a big mouth, Clavin.

He happens to be right, you know.

It's a genetic quirk
in the Clavin family

that we all have two extra teeth.

You see, that's the only way
that we can prove

that we are the rightful heirs
to the Russian throne.

Hello in there, Cliff.

Tell me, what color
is the sky in your world?

What's wrong?

I just want to be left alone
for a while, all right?

- You got it.
- Thank you.

Hey, everybody,
Sam wants to be left alone.

Okay, Sammy, spill your guts.
What's the matter?

Carla, I just said that I want...

Yeah, but you're gonna end up
telling me eventually,

so you might as well
get it over with.

Go on. Make you feel better.

Just keep this to yourself.

Remember how I went over
to Denise's house?

Well, she didn't invite me over
for a good time.

She wanted to show me something.

What?

My child.

Seven pounds, ten ounces.

A baby boy.

What's so funny?

Sam Malone finally got caught
with his hand in the cookie jar.

Carla, come on. This is serious.

Oh, of course it is, Sam.

But I really think you're going
to be okay, you know?

- Yeah?
- Just remember this.

This little piggy went to market...

This is not funny.

I'm sorry.

You sure it's yours?

No. It's between me
and another guy,

but the kid's a real looker,
so, you know, you figure it out.

So when are you going
to find out, dad?

Soon. She dragged me down
to a lab to have a blood test.

Well, what's the big deal?
You know, you could just do

what all the other jerks do.

You pay a little money for support
and get off the hook.

Carla, it means a lot more
to me than that.

I'm telling you, if this kid is mine,
then I want to see that he's fed,

that he's clothed,
and he's educated.

You know, I'm gonna take him
to Little League games, too.

I'm gonna be the best
damn father you've ever seen.

Please don't let him be mine!

I tell you, if I get out of this,

I swear to God, I am through
fooling around forever.

Sam, don't swear to God.

No, I mean it. I mean it.
If I get out of this,

I swear to God,
I'll never have sex again.

You? "Never?"

Yeah, not ever.
I mean, for the rest...

...well, three months.

Well, I guess the amount of sex
you have in three months

is what most people
have in a lifetime.

If they're attractive, I guess.

You have a phone call from Denise.

Carla, you know
that pitcher of beer

you left on your tray?

Some guy from table six
came and drank it.

We don't have a table six.

I knew I should have said table five.

Hello?

Hi, Denise.

What did the doctor say?

Oh, thank God!

Oh, I'm so happy!

Well, I'm so happy
for the other guy. Yeah.

Congratulations, huh?

Well, I'll call you
some other time, then, all right?

Bye-bye.

Doctor, Sam?

Yeah.

Denise and I and this other guy
share the same doctor.

She just wanted
to let me know that he'd gotten

some new magazines
in the waiting room.

You lucky dog!

Must be the Sports illustrated
Swimsuit issue.

Say, Suzanne, what do you say?
You wanna help me celebrate here?

- I'd love to.
- Great!

- What are we celebrating?
- I have no idea,

but whatever it is,
we're overdressed.

Sam, aren't you forgetting something?

I know. I'm gonna drop
by the old drugstore.

Don't worry. I learned my lesson.

Could you wait just one second?

- What?
- Does the name God ring a bell?

- Yeah.
- The guy you made a vow to?

Oh, yeah, boy!
I almost forgot about that.

That's no big thing.

No big thing?

Come on, God's a sport.

People make promises
like that all the time,

but if God had to collect
on all of them,

he wouldn't have any time

to create natural wonders
like that, for instance.

So you'll... Oh, boy.

Give me a minute here.

Sammy, I don't want to tell you
how to run your life,

but I want to tell you this.

Don't mess with God.

Look at all the people
in the Bible who did.

The entire population
of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Lot's wife turned
into a salt lick with boobs.

Come on. What's he going to do,

reach down from the clouds
and snatch me up?

Halt, infidel!

Sorry, Sam. I was just
at an understudy rehearsal.

I thought you might get a kick
out of my costume.

You ought to warn people

before you go around
pretending to be God.

You thought I was God?

Thanks. I was only
trying to be Moses.

Hey, guys, he thought I was God!

Sam, can we go now?

Yeah, you bet.

No, Sam. He has sent his messenger.

What messenger?
That is just Woody.

You think it's a coincidence

that Woody came in
just at that very moment

dressed as Moses?

I mean, of all the places
he could have been in.

Sam, he could have been dressed
as Auntie Mame.

Would that have scared you?

Yeah, a little.

Let's face it, Sam.
That was a warning,

and you'd better take heed!

Oh, come on.
What's he going to do?

Well...

...my cousin Tino swore
he'd give up meat.

That night, he ate a burger.

The next day, his teeth fell out.

Oh, come on, Carla,
there's no connection here.

I swore I would not have sex, so...

Listen, I'm not really
in the mood anymore.

Why not?

Carla's cousin Tino's teeth fell out.

Yeah, well, maybe
some other time.

Why don't you give me a call?

I don't have your number.

Perfect.

Are you satisfied,
God's little helper?

Oh, listen, Sam,
in the interest of authenticity,

you think there's any way
I could sound

less like God
and more like Moses?

Yeah. Stop going around
scaring people.

That's good.
Now, how about the voice?

Now, sit down.

Now, how can I be of help?

Well, I would like
your advice, Father.

Actually, it's for a friend of mine.

He...

...got himself into kind of a bind,
and so, in desperation,

promised God
he'd give up something.

And what did he promise to give up?

Sweets.

Oh. I see.

Yeah, but my friend
really likes sweets a lot...

...and sweets like him a lot.

He hasn't had sweets now
for about two weeks,

and if he doesn't have sweets soon,
he's gonna explode.

I see. And God's
contractual obligation

was to get your friend
out of this bind you spoke of.

Yes, sir, which He did.

Well, then, what is the problem?

Well, my friend was wondering

what the penalty
would be if he, say,

you know, had a huge
box of chocolates.

Sam, I think this is
between you and your God.

Yeah. Right.

Well, how...

How did you know it was me?

In all the years

people have been coming
here for their friends,

I have never met one
of their friends.

Well, as long as I'm busted,

I guess I might as well
tell you the truth here.

I didn't promise
to give up sweets,

I promised to give up sex.

That is a tough one.

You know, Sam,

the Church does recommend chastity
to unmarried people.

Oh, I'm sorry. You were serious.

How do you do that?
I mean, what do you do?

How do you not?

I mean, are there special tricks

or a certain way of sitting, maybe?

Well, yes, but we are
strictly forbidden to reveal it.

You're kidding.

Yes!

You know, Sam,
I think you're looking

for someone to tell you
it's all right to break your vow,

but I can't do that.

You know, I've found that people
who come here looking for answers

usually know what the answer is,
and I think you do, too.

Yeah, maybe.

Well, thank you.

No, no.

Carla, oh, great.
Look, I think I got it.

God's gonna have to accept this one.

"With the Lord, one day
is as a thousand years,

and a thousand years
is as one day."

- So?
- So, that means

I've been out of action
for 21,000 years.

That's gotta be
good enough for him.

Sam, I'd like to agree with you,

since you're so pathetic
it's annoying, but no sale.

All right, all right.
I still got Deuteronomy here.

Don't look, Sammy.
Temptation at 12:00.

Oh, God.

Man, they're coming in waves.

Cheers.

This is him.

You're kidding.
Moses has an ear infection.

All right! Yeah. I'll be right there.

So, Woody,
they're gonna let you go on?

No. I got to stop by the drugstore
and pick up some antibiotics.

So, believe it or not,
I've given up sex entirely,

but you gotta promise
not to tell anybody.

Sam, confidentiality
is the bedrock of my profession.

Besides, who'd believe me?

You were saying?

Well, I was just wondering
what you think I ought to do.

Well, you need to find another outlet
for your sexual energies.

For example...

During six painfully frustrating months
of my adolescence,

I built a submarine in our basement.

One of those little plastic models?

No. Life-size. Slept six.

The happiest hours of my youth
were spent down there

in the dark shouting, "Fire one!"

"Fire two!"

Well, enough about me.

Let's address this problem, Sam.

Well, I don't know anything
about submarines.

Surely, you have other interests.

Sports, sailing, music?

Well, yeah, I had
a piano lesson once.

Actually, I had the piano teacher,
and it was twice.

I liked it.

Well, I tell you. if you were
to sit down at the piano today

and channel your energies into it,

you would find
all your sexual tensions

pouring out through your fingertips.

Yeah. Fingertips. Yeah, right.

And best of all, Sam, no matter
how badly you perform,

a piano never laughs,

never stomps
out of the room and refuses

to let you play again for three days.

Well... I'm off to Lilith.

Sam, would you please lock up?

I'm going home to bed.

Okay. Good night.

Did you hear me?

I said I'm going to go to bed.

Well, I hope you get
a good night's sleep.

Thank you.

Carla, I just left myself wide open
for one of Sam's sleazy remarks,

and nothing.

I mean, not that I want to,
but what does it mean

when you can't turn on
the horniest guy that ever lived?

I am really getting old.

Rebecca, would you stop
being ridiculous?

You're still a young,
beautiful, vibrant woman

with a whole life ahead of her.

Are you just saying that?

Yes, I am.

I was taught to humor old folks.

Carla, I can't take this anymore.

I mean, I've tried everything.
I've stopped eating oysters.

I'm taking cold showers.

I even started stuffing ice
in my pockets.

I tell you, I'm not gonna make it.

Oh, Sammy, buck up.

You only have
nine more weeks to go.

I'm talking about tonight.

Guess who.

I'll give you a hint...

Vermont ski lodge,
a roaring fire, and baby oil.

Could you be more specific?

Gravity boots.

Oh, Rachel Patterson.

- Oh, look at you.
- Hi, Sam. How are you?

Oh, boy. I tell you, honey,
you're the last person in the world

I want to see right now.

Nice to see you, too.

Listen, I have got
an 18-hour layover,

and I'm not the least bit sleepy.

How would you like
to help me kill some time?

Listen...

...actually, I hear movies are good

for that kind of thing.
Why don't you...

...take in about two or three
right in a row there.

I know. Smell.

I'm wearing that perfume
that always drove you so crazy.

"Devastation," huh?

Actually, I got this head cold.

I wouldn't want you to catch it.

I'm sorry.

What do you say?
Some other time?

Well...

Okay.

- Sam...
- Yeah?

A friend of mine snapped this
of me on a beach in Ipanema.

I thought you might like a copy.

Would you excuse me
just for a minute here?

Look at this.

I mean, this is not fair.

I'm going for it.

It's not like I'm murdering anybody.

I'm just gonna bring

a great deal of pleasure
to two people.

So if in your infinite wisdom

you feel you have
to spite me down,

then please make it
quick and painless.

And if you could give me
about three hours, I'd appreciate it.

Okay.

Sam?

"Devastation."

The hound is loose.

Please, go easy on him.

Sammy, now you've done it.

There's nothing in your future
but frogs and locusts.

Why did you have to go
and do it, Sammy?

I didn't do it.

What?

I didn't do it.

We went to the hotel.

She got into bed.

I got into bed with her.

Then I was folding up my socks...

You fold up your socks?

Sure. I'm not an animal.

Anyway,

all of a sudden,
for no reason,

I went over and I opened
the nightstand drawer,

and there it was,
staring right up at me...

...the Bible.

Can you imagine that,
a Bible in a hotel room?

So we got out of there real quick,
and we got another room,

and there it was again.

I mean, we went
from hotel to hotel,

and it just followed us
wherever we went.

Then it dawned on me...

...this was a bona fide miracle.

God was speaking to me directly
through hotel nightstands.

He works in mysterious ways.

Amen.

Excuse me, Sam,
but in all the years

you played baseball
traveling throughout the country,

all the hotel rooms you stayed in,
didn't you ever once notice...

Frasier, Sam was just
telling us about a miracle

that affected him very deeply.

Now, what was it
that you were noticing?

They always put
those little strips of paper

across the toilet.

Just an observation.

Sammy, I'm so proud of you.
If you could hold out last night,

you can make it
the whole three months.

Sam, I'm late for a party.

Can you help me with this zipper?

Sam...

- Sam!
- Piano.

Piano, Sam.
For God's sake, piano.