Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Woods, refill, please.

Yeah, sure. Whatever you want.

Hey. Why so down in the mouth there, bud?

Well, I'm understudying another play,

and I know I'm never going to get to go on

because the star never gets sick.

Darn it, the part is perfect for me.

Yeah? What is that part?

Moses.

My theater group is doing an original play,

an evening with the prophets.

I've got more lines than any of the other Israelites.

But I managed to jam them all in, right up here.

Yeah, your head looks packed, all right.

Go on, test me. Give me a cue.

All right.

What's the first line?

"And I have said I will bring you up

out of the affliction of Egypt into the land of the Canaanites,

and the Hittites, and the Amorites,

and the Perizzites, and the Hivites."

Wait, what happened to the Cellulites?

They settled in the land of Vera.

Did you hear what he said?

- Here we go. - Thank you.

- Boy, what a day. - Yeah?

Yeah. I can't wait for it to end.

All I can think about is getting home

and jumping into bed.

Need anybody to break your fall?

Hi. Sam Malone.

- Hi. Suzanne Porter. - How are you doing?

Sam, you done picking up on this lady?

Not quite, Woody.

I'm sorry to interrupt you, but Denise called.

Oh, Denise.

Who's Denise?

My brother's kid, De-niece.

I have to say hi to her and De-nephew.

- Hey, hey. - Very smooth, Sam.

- So who's this Denise, Sam? - She was somebody.

We had quite a thing going there a while ago.

Then we both realized that sex wasn't anything

to base a relationship on. Six months later, we broke up.

She must be quite a dish

if you're willing to pass up on door number one over there.

Well, it's kind of like avocados.

One of them's ripe and ready to be squashed into guacamole.

And the other one needs to stay on the shelf a little while longer.

Anyway, call her back. She says it's urgent.

The accent on urge, huh?

Actually, you know, I think

this is a call I should return in person.

- Sam. - Hey.

Where are you going?

To my niece's house. Her grandma's sick.

If it's your niece's grandma, wouldn't that be your mother?

My mom's sick? Oh, my God!

Excuse me.

Why don't you stick around for a little while?

My mom bounces right back.

Hey, Sam.

Back from the Denise decathlon?

Got another gold medal in the broad jump?

You know, you got a big mouth, Clavin.

He happens to be right, you know.

It's a genetic quirk in the Clavin family

that we all have two extra teeth.

You see, that's the only way that we can prove

that we are the rightful heirs to the Russian throne.

Hello in there, Cliff.

Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?

What's wrong?

I just want to be left alone for a while, all right?

- You got it. - Thank you.

Hey, everybody, Sam wants to be left alone.

Okay, Sammy, spill your guts. What's the matter?

Carla, I just said that I want...

Yeah, but you're gonna end up telling me eventually,

so you might as well get it over with.

Go on. Make you feel better.

Just keep this to yourself.

Remember how I went over to Denise's house?

Well, she didn't invite me over for a good time.

She wanted to show me something.

What?

My child.

Seven pounds, ten ounces.

A baby boy.

What's so funny?

Sam Malone finally got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Carla, come on. This is serious.

Oh, of course it is, Sam.

But I really think you're going to be okay, you know?

- Yeah? - Just remember this.

This little piggy went to market...

This is not funny.

I'm sorry.

You sure it's yours?

No. It's between me and another guy,

but the kid's a real looker, so, you know, you figure it out.

So when are you going to find out, dad?

Soon. She dragged me down to a lab to have a blood test.

Well, what's the big deal? You know, you could just do

what all the other jerks do.

You pay a little money for support and get off the hook.

Carla, it means a lot more to me than that.

I'm telling you, if this kid is mine, then I want to see that he's fed,

that he's clothed, and he's educated.

You know, I'm gonna take him to Little League games, too.

I'm gonna be the best damn father you've ever seen.

Please don't let him be mine!

I tell you, if I get out of this,

I swear to God, I am through fooling around forever.

Sam, don't swear to God.

No, I mean it. I mean it. If I get out of this,

I swear to God, I'll never have sex again.

You? "Never?"

Yeah, not ever. I mean, for the rest...

...well, three months.

Well, I guess the amount of sex you have in three months

is what most people have in a lifetime.

If they're attractive, I guess.

You have a phone call from Denise.

Carla, you know that pitcher of beer

you left on your tray?

Some guy from table six came and drank it.

We don't have a table six.

I knew I should have said table five.

Hello?

Hi, Denise.

What did the doctor say?

Oh, thank God!

Oh, I'm so happy!

Well, I'm so happy for the other guy. Yeah.

Congratulations, huh?

Well, I'll call you some other time, then, all right?

Bye-bye.

Doctor, Sam?

Yeah.

Denise and I and this other guy share the same doctor.

She just wanted to let me know that he'd gotten

some new magazines in the waiting room.

You lucky dog!

Must be the Sports illustrated Swimsuit issue.

Say, Suzanne, what do you say? You wanna help me celebrate here?

- I'd love to. - Great!

- What are we celebrating? - I have no idea,

but whatever it is, we're overdressed.

Sam, aren't you forgetting something?

I know. I'm gonna drop by the old drugstore.

Don't worry. I learned my lesson.

Could you wait just one second?

- What? - Does the name God ring a bell?

- Yeah. - The guy you made a vow to?

Oh, yeah, boy! I almost forgot about that.

That's no big thing.

No big thing?

Come on, God's a sport.

People make promises like that all the time,

but if God had to collect on all of them,

he wouldn't have any time

to create natural wonders like that, for instance.

So you'll... Oh, boy.

Give me a minute here.

Sammy, I don't want to tell you how to run your life,

but I want to tell you this.

Don't mess with God.

Look at all the people in the Bible who did.

The entire population of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Lot's wife turned into a salt lick with boobs.

Come on. What's he going to do,

reach down from the clouds and snatch me up?

Halt, infidel!

Sorry, Sam. I was just at an understudy rehearsal.

I thought you might get a kick out of my costume.

You ought to warn people

before you go around pretending to be God.

You thought I was God?

Thanks. I was only trying to be Moses.

Hey, guys, he thought I was God!

Sam, can we go now?

Yeah, you bet.

No, Sam. He has sent his messenger.

What messenger? That is just Woody.

You think it's a coincidence

that Woody came in just at that very moment

dressed as Moses?

I mean, of all the places he could have been in.

Sam, he could have been dressed as Auntie Mame.

Would that have scared you?

Yeah, a little.

Let's face it, Sam. That was a warning,

and you'd better take heed!

Oh, come on. What's he going to do?

Well...

...my cousin Tino swore he'd give up meat.

That night, he ate a burger.

The next day, his teeth fell out.

Oh, come on, Carla, there's no connection here.

I swore I would not have sex, so...

Listen, I'm not really in the mood anymore.

Why not?

Carla's cousin Tino's teeth fell out.

Yeah, well, maybe some other time.

Why don't you give me a call?

I don't have your number.

Perfect.

Are you satisfied, God's little helper?

Oh, listen, Sam, in the interest of authenticity,

you think there's any way I could sound

less like God and more like Moses?

Yeah. Stop going around scaring people.

That's good. Now, how about the voice?

Now, sit down.

Now, how can I be of help?

Well, I would like your advice, Father.

Actually, it's for a friend of mine.

He...

...got himself into kind of a bind, and so, in desperation,

promised God he'd give up something.

And what did he promise to give up?

Sweets.

Oh. I see.

Yeah, but my friend really likes sweets a lot...

...and sweets like him a lot.

He hasn't had sweets now for about two weeks,

and if he doesn't have sweets soon, he's gonna explode.

I see. And God's contractual obligation

was to get your friend out of this bind you spoke of.

Yes, sir, which He did.

Well, then, what is the problem?

Well, my friend was wondering

what the penalty would be if he, say,

you know, had a huge box of chocolates.

Sam, I think this is between you and your God.

Yeah. Right.

Well, how...

How did you know it was me?

In all the years

people have been coming here for their friends,

I have never met one of their friends.

Well, as long as I'm busted,

I guess I might as well tell you the truth here.

I didn't promise to give up sweets,

I promised to give up sex.

That is a tough one.

You know, Sam,

the Church does recommend chastity to unmarried people.

Oh, I'm sorry. You were serious.

How do you do that? I mean, what do you do?

How do you not?

I mean, are there special tricks

or a certain way of sitting, maybe?

Well, yes, but we are strictly forbidden to reveal it.

You're kidding.

Yes!

You know, Sam, I think you're looking

for someone to tell you it's all right to break your vow,

but I can't do that.

You know, I've found that people who come here looking for answers

usually know what the answer is, and I think you do, too.

Yeah, maybe.

Well, thank you.

No, no.

Carla, oh, great. Look, I think I got it.

God's gonna have to accept this one.

"With the Lord, one day is as a thousand years,

and a thousand years is as one day."

- So? - So, that means

I've been out of action for 21,000 years.

That's gotta be good enough for him.

Sam, I'd like to agree with you,

since you're so pathetic it's annoying, but no sale.

All right, all right. I still got Deuteronomy here.

Don't look, Sammy. Temptation at 12:00.

Oh, God.

Man, they're coming in waves.

Cheers.

This is him.

You're kidding. Moses has an ear infection.

All right! Yeah. I'll be right there.

So, Woody, they're gonna let you go on?

No. I got to stop by the drugstore and pick up some antibiotics.

So, believe it or not, I've given up sex entirely,

but you gotta promise not to tell anybody.

Sam, confidentiality is the bedrock of my profession.

Besides, who'd believe me?

You were saying?

Well, I was just wondering what you think I ought to do.

Well, you need to find another outlet for your sexual energies.

For example...

During six painfully frustrating months of my adolescence,

I built a submarine in our basement.

One of those little plastic models?

No. Life-size. Slept six.

The happiest hours of my youth were spent down there

in the dark shouting, "Fire one!"

"Fire two!"

Well, enough about me.

Let's address this problem, Sam.

Well, I don't know anything about submarines.

Surely, you have other interests.

Sports, sailing, music?

Well, yeah, I had a piano lesson once.

Actually, I had the piano teacher, and it was twice.

I liked it.

Well, I tell you. if you were to sit down at the piano today

and channel your energies into it,

you would find all your sexual tensions

pouring out through your fingertips.

Yeah. Fingertips. Yeah, right.

And best of all, Sam, no matter how badly you perform,

a piano never laughs,

never stomps out of the room and refuses

to let you play again for three days.

Well... I'm off to Lilith.

Sam, would you please lock up?

I'm going home to bed.

Okay. Good night.

Did you hear me?

I said I'm going to go to bed.

Well, I hope you get a good night's sleep.

Thank you.

Carla, I just left myself wide open for one of Sam's sleazy remarks,

and nothing.

I mean, not that I want to, but what does it mean

when you can't turn on the horniest guy that ever lived?

I am really getting old.

Rebecca, would you stop being ridiculous?

You're still a young, beautiful, vibrant woman

with a whole life ahead of her.

Are you just saying that?

Yes, I am.

I was taught to humor old folks.

Carla, I can't take this anymore.

I mean, I've tried everything. I've stopped eating oysters.

I'm taking cold showers.

I even started stuffing ice in my pockets.

I tell you, I'm not gonna make it.

Oh, Sammy, buck up.

You only have nine more weeks to go.

I'm talking about tonight.

Guess who.

I'll give you a hint...

Vermont ski lodge, a roaring fire, and baby oil.

Could you be more specific?

Gravity boots.

Oh, Rachel Patterson.

- Oh, look at you. - Hi, Sam. How are you?

Oh, boy. I tell you, honey, you're the last person in the world

I want to see right now.

Nice to see you, too.

Listen, I have got an 18-hour layover,

and I'm not the least bit sleepy.

How would you like to help me kill some time?

Listen...

...actually, I hear movies are good

for that kind of thing. Why don't you...

...take in about two or three right in a row there.

I know. Smell.

I'm wearing that perfume that always drove you so crazy.

"Devastation," huh?

Actually, I got this head cold.

I wouldn't want you to catch it.

I'm sorry.

What do you say? Some other time?

Well...

Okay.

- Sam... - Yeah?

A friend of mine snapped this of me on a beach in Ipanema.

I thought you might like a copy.

Would you excuse me just for a minute here?

Look at this.

I mean, this is not fair.

I'm going for it.

It's not like I'm murdering anybody.

I'm just gonna bring

a great deal of pleasure to two people.

So if in your infinite wisdom

you feel you have to spite me down,

then please make it quick and painless.

And if you could give me about three hours, I'd appreciate it.

Okay.

Sam?

"Devastation."

The hound is loose.

Please, go easy on him.

Sammy, now you've done it.

There's nothing in your future but frogs and locusts.

Why did you have to go and do it, Sammy?

I didn't do it.

What?

I didn't do it.

We went to the hotel.

She got into bed.

I got into bed with her.

Then I was folding up my socks...

You fold up your socks?

Sure. I'm not an animal.

Anyway,

all of a sudden, for no reason,

I went over and I opened the nightstand drawer,

and there it was, staring right up at me...

...the Bible.

Can you imagine that, a Bible in a hotel room?

So we got out of there real quick, and we got another room,

and there it was again.

I mean, we went from hotel to hotel,

and it just followed us wherever we went.

Then it dawned on me...

...this was a bona fide miracle.

God was speaking to me directly through hotel nightstands.

He works in mysterious ways.

Amen.

Excuse me, Sam, but in all the years

you played baseball traveling throughout the country,

all the hotel rooms you stayed in, didn't you ever once notice...

Frasier, Sam was just telling us about a miracle

that affected him very deeply.

Now, what was it that you were noticing?

They always put those little strips of paper

across the toilet.

Just an observation.

Sammy, I'm so proud of you. If you could hold out last night,

you can make it the whole three months.

Sam, I'm late for a party.

Can you help me with this zipper?

Sam...

- Sam! - Piano.

Piano, Sam. For God's sake, piano.