Original subtitles

Wojo?

Uh, give me a five-letter word for mallard duck.

Daffy.

Very funny.

It fits.

Dietrich still at the pawn shop?

Yep.

Um, Harris hasn't checked in yet either.

Thank you, Wojo.

Well, he's always getting on my case about being late.

You were, this morning.

Oh, yeah. I...

lost my alarm clock.

I suggest you do something about finding it.

Yeah.

I'll make a few calls.

I'm never late.

And I appreciate it, Nick.

It's a shame that certain other members of... Of this squad

don't emulate your wonderful example,

and realize that sometimes

one must forego the splendors of the evening

for the responsibilities of the morning.

I was late once.

A few minutes.

Hey, I know what this looks like but I'm innocent.

You're making a terrible mistake.

It's part of my job.

Trying to dump stolen merchandise?

Yeah, everything was on a hot sheet

from that theft at the pier. Hey,

I know what this looks like but it's not that way at all.

I mean, this is... This is just one of those, uh...

Merry mix-ups.

Yeah, right.

What about the hot property?

Well, he told me he bought it at a thrift shop.

He said, uh, he only spent a few dollars for this.

He said, uh, it was very legitimate.

I laughed.

I have a receipt.

Written on a piece of scratch paper.

It's a little flimsy, Mr., uh...

But we'll check it, we'll check it. In the meantime,

would you give a statement to Detective Dietrich?

Okay, why don't you have a seat over there, Mr. White?

What is it with you people? Why don't you believe me?

Well, it's because we're used to dealing

with the criminal element, Mr. White.

Everybody who comes in here claims he's innocent,

so nine times out of 10 he's not.

So it hardens you over the years, Mr. White.

It makes initial trust a rare commodity in police work.

Oh.

Also, I don't like your eyes.

Good morning, Harris.

♪ Dum-da-dum-dum ♪

Good morning, Barney.

Isn't that a coincidence? Just an hour ago,

everybody else was saying the same thing to me.

I, uh... I guess I overslept.

You look awful.

Yeah, I had a long evening.

Harris, the human body can take just so much, uh,

activity.

After a while, it starts to... Harris?

Pardon me?

Why don't you just sit down? Nick'll get you a cup of tea.

Hey, uh, thank him for me, will you?

Yeah.

Hey, I ain't sayin' I never been in trouble before,

but this time I'm clean.

We'll check out your story. First name?

Sylvester.

I was born cesarean.

My mother named me that for revenge.

Women are sensitive about birth.

Boy, she never let up, either. When I was 10 years old,

she made me take accordion lessons.

She was a disturbed woman, Mr. White.

Uh, middle name?

Marion.

I saw it coming.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Uh, Harris, uh, I don't know if it's my place,

but, uh... What?

Does that tie go with that suit?

Oh, my God.

I figured you'd like to know.

Oh, man. I knew this was gonna happen someday.

Yeah, I know. I-I know because I was late one time

and I put on a brown tie with a yellow shirt.

Ha!

So?

Mm, well, you had to be there.

Gotta put you in the cage now, Mr. White.

How do you pronounce that?

What's the difference?

Looks like "Wojciehowicz."

What were you, a breach baby?

That's his last name.

What's your first name?

Rumpelstiltskin.

Polish.

Twelfth Precinct, Yemana.

Uh, just... Just a second.

Uh, Barn? Mm?

Some guy's down on Third Street holding up traffic.

Okay, check it out. Hey, hold on.

Uh, Harris, somebody calling for you on line one.

Find out who it is, huh?

Who's calling?

It's your boss.

Oh.

Uh, tell him I'll call him back later, huh?

Okay.

Say, Barney,

did I, uh, ever tell you about my other job?

Other job?

I didn't.

No. Remember, that's what you wanted to talk to me about

in my office. When?

Right now. Oh.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

It's not a question of what you're doing,

it's a question of my keeping abreast with things

as they pertain to this job.

Got it, Barney. All right.

It's just that, uh, we had a few scheduling problems,

and, um, I think we got them worked out now.

All right.

Hinman Arms, huh?

That's a pretty snazzy place, heh.

And you're, uh...?

Captain of Security.

Sounds good.

It does hang well on me, don't it?

Well, as, uh, one captain to another...

Call me Harris.

Funny pot.

It's called a wok.

It's used to cook Chinese vegetables.

Oh.

No offense.

I'm not Chinese.

Well, you were once,

uh, around about fourth or fifth century.

I'll be 46 in April.

If I don't see you, happy birthday.

Uh, captain.

Which one?

I think it's for me.

I'm gonna check out White's story over at the thrift shop.

Yeah, take some of that stuff with you.

See if you can get an identification.

All right, I'll just, uh...

I'll just take a "wok" over there.

Okay.

Captain, this is a wok.

Yeah, I know.

Oh. I-I'll... I'll j... I'll be running along.

Fine.

In here. Thanks, Dietrich. Over here. Come on.

What've we got?

Well, by the time I got down there

this kid had traffic blocked up for three blocks.

Go on, sit down.

He was running around picking up these from all over the street.

I dropped the bag.

Betting slips. Yeah.

He must've been running to a drop somewhere.

All right, check it out. If nothing else,

somebody's got an awful lot of angry customers.

No, look, I can't work tomorrow night,

I've gotta pull a late shift here.

No, there's absolutely no way I can get out of it.

Yeah, I'll, uh... I'll call you later.

Thank you, captain.

Hey, Barn.

What's that "captain" stuff?

Harris is Captain of Security at the Hinman Arms.

Well, whoopity-doopity-do.

You know, I expected you to say something like that.

However, the number of syllables did surprise me.

Well, how come you're working two jobs anyway, Harris?

Orchestra seats, nice clothes, fine wine.

I mean, it's called living the full life.

Harris. Hey, I'm satisfied.

I-I go bowling, have a few beers.

That's the full life.

That's gusto.

What you doing here? Hey.

Can I go now?

No, you can't go now.

Last name's Fields?

What's your first name?

Tom. T-O... I think I can handle it.

Where do you live, Tom?

The third house after the mailbox.

Just give me your address, all right?

338 Allen?

Uh, sit right there.

Uh, Barn? Yeah.

Uh, I think there's something wrong with this guy.

What do you mean "wrong"?

Well, like h-he's slow in the head.

Retarded?

I don't think he knows what's going on.

What's his name?

Tom Fields.

Tom?

Yes, sir?

Tom, do you know why you're being held?

Yes, sir. For not bringing the bag over.

He gave me a dollar to carry it.

Now I'll have to give it back.

Who gave you a dollar, Tom?

I don't know his name.

He was like him.

A black man?

With funny clothes.

Where were you carrying the bag?!

He's not deaf.

To the barber shop next to the roller-skating rink.

Oh, Barney. That's, uh, Del Mitchell's place.

Oh, yeah.

Didn't we raid that last year for prostitution?

Right, they had the $50 manicure.

Yeah.

All right. Let's bring him in and ask him a few questions,

see what we can find out.

Oh, Barney, why don't you let me go alone?

I think it'll be easier to get in.

Okay, uh, have Kogan put a squad car in the area, though.

Right.

Hey. Yeah?

Will I get a phone call?

Sure.

Maybe that's it now.

In here, Reverend.

What's this?

Captain Miller, this is Reverend Albert Carey.

He runs the thrift shop. The place was full of stolen goods.

Hope you've got a strong case, uh, Dietrich.

Don't worry, captain.

It's a good collar.

No offense.

Uh, Dietrich, take his cuffs off.

It's all right. Leave them on.

He insisted.

They're gonna start to hurt you in a little while.

They hurt now.

Take off his cuffs.

No. I d... I don't want any special treatment.

Take them off. Take them off.

Reverend, uh, is what Detective Dietrich said true,

I mean about the stolen merchandise?

It's true. All of it, it's true.

And you knew it was stolen?

Of course I knew. I just never let myself think about it.

Have a seat, Reverend.

So you accepted them as donations in good faith?

Look, don't patronize me, captain.

I knew exactly what I was doing.

Our church is falling apart. It's going under.

And I have been growing so depressed lately.

I...

You know, a couple of weeks ago, I...

I was walking down Fifth Avenue,

and I stopped in front of St. Patrick's.

And I looked up,

and I saw those magnificent spires, and...

And I thought,

"They really got it made, baby."

You know what I mean?

I mean, they got it all.

You know what I mean?

I thought,

"Well, why them? I mean, why...? Why not us?

"Why? Why is it always them

"with their bells and their...

Their tapestries and their works of art."

I mean, what are we, garbage?

We all believe in the same things.

We read the same books.

We all say all the same stuff, for crying out loud.

We've got a right.

But this guy comes along,

and, uh, instead of donating some stuff he...

He shows me how I could buy it from him

and then sell it for a profit

and still keep the prices reasonable.

Well, it, uh, worked like a charm.

And the first thing you know,

we got a whole lot of people coming in

With a whole bunch of merchandise.

There's a patrol car over there now, captain.

The stuff matches a list from, uh, a dozen heists.

Seems we've got a touchy situation here.

Yeah.

It's gonna be hard to separate, uh, church and state

with him doing time in Sing-Sing.

Thank you, Dietrich.

Hey, can I get out of here now?

Let him out. Have a seat.

I'm gonna be a policeman someday.

Oh, yeah?

Well, we could probably use the help.

Do you have a little boy?

No, I-I don't have any kids.

Here you go.

Hey, what about the money I paid for that stuff?

Why don't you consider it a donation to charity,

gift to the church? I'm an atheist.

Sue him.

Hey, I ain't that sure about it.

Barney. That was Harris' boss.

Yeah? He got fired.

Fired? Well, what for?

Something about not being able to work around his schedule.

Wonderful.

I could never handle two jobs.

I'm under too much pressure here.

Okay, in here, Mr. Mitchell.

This place looks like a garbage dump.

Mm-hm. Make yourself right at home.

Uh, Tom?

Tom, there's a man sitting over there.

I want you to tell me if this is the man who gave you the dollar?

Yes, sir. I better go give it back.

No, that's, uh... Not right now, not right now.

Hey, uh, Barney, what's with the uh, Reverend?

Fencing stolen merchandise.

Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? Throw the good book at him?

Try and pull yourself together.

Yeah! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Mr. Mitchell?

Speaking.

Mr. Mitchell, there's a young man sitting over there

says you gave him a dollar to take a bag somewhere?

Never saw him before.

Well, he's sitting over there. Look that way.

No need to. I haven't been out of my barber shop all day.

I didn't say anything about which day it was.

Pick one.

He did what?

What did he tell you about the lady in the penthouse?

Look, she asked me to check on a prowler

and then got mad 'cause I wouldn't move in.

Steady now, st... That's what she wanted me to do.

All right, we'll talk about it in my office.

I was doing a damn good job.

But he couldn't fit around your schedule.

My schedule? Come on.

Hey, look, you know what he can do with my schedule?

We'll explore all the possibilities.

Sorry about the profanity, Reverend.

Yeah, you see? Just because I'm a minister,

everybody thinks they have to protect me.

Well, it's not necessary.

All right, the hell with it.

I would expect that reaction if you lost this job.

But an outside job?

I was a captain.

Uh, let's not lose perspective, Harris.

I was a good captain. Yeah, I'm sure.

The fact is, you're just gonna have to give up a few luxuries.

Let's, uh, switch to domestic champagne

and give up on the imported stuff.

Sirloin tips instead of filet mignon.

Uh, would that were the case.

Mickey Spillane instead of Shakespeare.

Barney, I need that money.

We could all use a little extra money.

It's not a question of extra.

It's more like your basic, fundamental,

primary kind of money.

I mean, I was over-extended.

Is it serious?

Yeah, it's serious. And it's starting to get embarrassing.

I was buying a gray cardigan at Bloomingdale's and they told me

that I had reached my credit limit.

That, uh, could be embarrassing.

Yeah. I don't own a gray cardigan.

Harris, you're just gonna have to spend less money on clothing.

No, it's not just clothes. I mean, it's everything.

I mean, it's part of my nature, Barney.

I mean, I always figure if you can't afford to go first class,

charge it.

Harris, are you familiar with the phrase

"living within one's means"?

Vaguely.

It has to do with the relationship

between income and outgo.

That's not the problem.

It's not?

I mean, my lifestyle,

it represents more than just material things.

Mm-hm.

I mean, it's always been that way.

My childhood was no different.

Go on.

Barney, I appreciate this time. Oh, listen...

A real shrink costs a fortune.

I want to give your dollar back.

I couldn't bring the bag over.

Hey, I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about.

I was going to carry the bag, but I dropped it.

Man, I don't even know who you are.

I'm Tom Fields. I live at the third house after the mailbox.

Look, I am trying to meditate,

and you are disrupting my concentration.

What?

He s... He says he can't think and talk at the same time.

Hey, you talking to me?

See.

Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Mitchell.

Hey, can I leave now?

Uh, a few more questions.

In that case, I want my lawyer.

Look, you're not gonna need your lawyer.

Hey, look, it's his word against mine,

and that's what it comes down to.

You think a judge is gonna believe a dummy?

Aren't you being a little hard on yourself?

Is that all?

That's all.

Hey, Mitchell.

Use another kid like this and I'm gonna be all over you.

I mean, I am gonna go out of my way

to see to it that you, uh, stay within the law.

Hey, uh, captain,

your man here is threatening me with harassment.

Sergeant Harris? Harris, did you say something?

Hm?

Ah.

Hey, Barn, but what about Tom?

Just see he gets home okay.

Right.

Come on, Tom.

Where are we going? Home.

Where do you live?

No, your home.

Oh.

Well, don't... Don't worry, uh,

you can come over to my house some other time.

I'd like to meet all your friends.

I don't have too many.

Uh, Nick, take him downstairs for prints and pictures.

I'd rather not.

Huh?

Um, he's a man of the cloth.

I feel funny about it, Barney.

He's a prisoner, he has to be processed.

I haven't gone to church in years.

There might be repercussions.

Dietrich, would you mind?

Sure, I'll do it.

I don't mind. It doesn't bother me.

Do you believe in God?

Well, I have always felt there was something up there,

out there.

I don't think there is.

I mean, we're probably just an accident,

the result of some unplanned cosmic explosion

eons ago.

Well, now, wh...? What if you're wrong

and you find yourself in an afterlife

having to explain yourself to somebody?

What do you say?

Whoops.