Original subtitles

Hey, good morning, Barn.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Another day, another collar.

One might expect at least a chuckle

if only in deference to my rank.

Thank you. It was funny.

Good morning, Nick.

Morning, Barn.

Coffee ready yet?

For what?

For human consumption.

It was funny.

Funny guy.

Fish, uh, hasn't checked in yet, huh?

Uh, not yet.

Still on that burglary case

over at the old peoples' home. What about Harris?

Not in yet.

Boy, what kind of creeps would wanna rip off

old folks at a retirement home?

Thieves mostly.

Oh, excuse me, captain,

I don't have a desk again.

Well, why don't you use Fish's?

He won't be using it much this week.

He got pretty upset last time I used it.

Said I scratched it.

How could he tell?

Man knows his desk.

Uh, I think it'll be all right.

Man, man, man. Man, did you read this?

Hey, did...? Did you read the latest issue of Newsweek?

No. Was I supposed to?

Hey, Barney, did you, uh, read this report

from the Rand Corporation

for the Law Enforcement Assistance Administration?

Oh, yeah, I know this report.

What's it say?

It says that uniformed cops do all the work

and the detectives are a waste of money.

You're kidding.

Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

Yeah, the last time they had an opinion,

they laid off 3000 cops.

Who's this, uh, uh, Rand Corporation anyway?

It's a company that don't make nothing.

They call it a "think tank."

A bunch of guys, they lay on the beach out there in California

and think about something,

then they write a report on it and make a million dollars.

Sounds like a pretty good union.

"Detectives spend inordinate time polishing their image."

Heh! You believe that?

"They spend almost as much time

shuffling papers as they do crackling cases."

Here. "If detectives, who are the elite members

"of the police force, don't solve most of the crimes,

who does?"

Oh, yeah, I'd like to know who does.

"Principally the much-maligned cop on the beat."

Oh, man, whoever maligned the cop on the beat...

Good morning, detectives.

Without good cause?

Got your morning mail

and an extra copy of Newsweek.

Uh, thank you. We have a copy.

Very interesting, isn't it?

Hm, good magazine.

Page 46.

El Rando Corporation Reporto.

Causing a big flap in the department.

Mm. I hear the, uh,

Chief of Detectives is threatening to quit.

Hey, captain, you guys ain't the only ones with sources.

Captain. BARNEY: Yeah?

I don't think it was me.

I beg your pardon?

The scratches on Fish's desk.

I mean, I got nothing concrete to go on.

I just don't think they're mine.

Have you told him?

No, but I'm gonna have to.

Good.

Well, good morning.

Good morning. How'd it go?

You ever spend the night with old people?

No.

Then there's nothing I can compare it to.

Did you...? Did you come up with anything?

Decent night's sleep for a change.

They put sleeping powders in the milk.

Well, that's something.

Anyway, I was glad to get out of there.

It's visiting day.

Oh, hectic, huh?

Nobody ever shows up.

They get dressed up and they sit there looking out the windows.

Depressing.

Yeah, okay. We'll be right there.

Barn, burglary in progress

over at the, uh, Canford Arms Hotel.

Uh, Harris, go with Wojo.

Why me? I haven't finished polishing my image.

Okay.

You notice when there's real trouble who they call.

Hey, it wasn't me who tipped them off.

Pfft!

Fish.

I was using your desk again.

It's one of Captain Miller's temporary assignments.

Fish?

You may not like hearing this,

but there's something that has to be said.

I didn't put those scratches on your desk.

What scratches?

Forget it.

Uh, Fish, you gonna be around a while?

Yeah, it's just a head cold.

Morning, Barney. Ah,

good morning, inspector. Morning, fellas.

What brings you to our humble surroundings this fine day?

Just come back from that big to-do over at headquarters.

Oh, yeah, I heard about it.

What a crock.

Some eggheads out in California

come up with a lousy report,

the whole police department goes crazy.

They're probably like them actors out in Hollywood, Barney.

They're all a bunch of tutti-fruttis,

know what I mean?

Except for the Duke, of course.

Of course. Yeah.

Don't you worry, guys. I stuck up for you.

I give them the facts of life.

Told them how you fight for your life in the jungle.

I'm sure the men appreciate that.

I realize that, Barney. Oh, please, oh, please.

Go to your office for a minute? Certainly.

Not if you've been properlyty etoilet trained. e bathroom.

By the way,

one detective from every precinct

gotta go out on the beat in uniform one week at every month.

Because of that report?

Yeah. Ain't that a kick in the hindquarters?

Oh, Third Graders only.

Wojciehowicz. He's our only Third Grade.

Oh, good, good.

Then it shouldn't upset things too much around here.

You don't know Wojciehowicz.

I thought I did.

Come in.

Oh, God.

Who's in there? Dietrich.

What is he doing in there so long?

He was trained that way.

My wife's in there with some pervert and you're arresting me?

But look, Mr. Himmel, you're not being arrested yet, you see.

Look, you were interfering with the police

and the fire department.

I wanna go back there. I gotta go back.

Take it easy. My wife's in there...

Hold it, hold it, what's going on out here?

Uh, look, this is Captain Miller. Uh, this is Mr. Himmel.

His wife was the victim of a purse snatching.

My wife's being attacked, and you're worried about her purse.

Take it easy, Mr. Himmel.

Have a seat and tell us what happened.

Well, we were walking in the hallway,

and this maniac jumps out of the shadows,

grabs my wife's purse and runs into the elevator.

I... I called for him to stop, but he didn't.

Uh, Mrs. Himmel chased him into the elevator

and then it got stuck between floors.

Ah. Oh, my God.

He's probably tearing off her clothes right now.

Uh, take it easy, Mr... Take it easy.

Purse-snatchers are rarely rapists.

You've never seen my Georgia.

You see, we had to get him out of there.

The firemen are trying to get into the elevator,

he's driving them crazy.

It's my right as a citizen to go back there and kill him.

Take it easy, Mr. Himmel.

If you don't behave, I'll put you in the cage.

You understand that?

Just take it easy. Have a seat.

Uh, Barn?

Listen to me carefully.

Don't ever marry a sex goddess.

I'll remember that.

Why don't you go on...?

Hey, Fish.

How you doing, boy?

I gotta be back at the nursing home by lunch

to watch the rooms.

They'll all be gathered in the cafeteria

for a lecture on roughage.

Uh, Barney, nursing home, huh?

I thought he was starting to talk slower.

He's on assignment, inspector.

Oh, sure, Barney.

If the shoe fits, right?

My wife is being raped in an elevator!

Well, keep it to yourself.

Don't go yelling that filthy stuff around here.

It's just a case we're working on, inspector.

Huh? Oh, oh.

And nobody is lifting a finger to do anything about it.

Take it easy, Mr. Himmel.

There's nothing that can be done

till the fire department gets the elevator open.

Don't worry, sir.

If the men of the 12th are on it,

your wife's in good hands.

I told her to kill herself if she couldn't stop him.

That's the spirit, Himmel.

Death before dishonor.

Yeah, there you are there. Keep the faith.

It's on you, Barney.

Don't worry, Mr. Himmel.

Even if by some coincidence this guy's a rapist,

he wouldn't try anything in there.

It wasn't planned.

You see, the rapist's mind and ego is only satisfied

with something that he has planned to conquer.

Something that's been brewing in his mind for a long time.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Unless he's impulsive.

All right, yeah, thanks a lot.

We'll, uh, be right down there.

Harris.

They, uh... They got your wife out of the elevator.

Oh, my God, don't tell me.

Uh, take it easy, Mr. Himmel.

Uh, sit down.

Uh, Wojo, uh... No, no, you stay.

Uh, Harris, take Dietrich with you.

Uh, Barn, I was on this case...

Yeah, I know. We got, uh,

something's come up here and, uh...

What's come up?

It's, uh, kind of an experimental, uh,

rotation program...

Yeah. For Third Grade detectives.

Yeah?

It seems you gotta pull uniform duty

one week out of every month.

It's a temporary thing.

Look, have fun with it.

You mean like, um...?

Like a social disease, right?

What do you mean?

I mean the fun part's over in a hurry.

Wojo, it is a temporary thing.

It's because of that report.

Don't worry about it. In a couple of weeks it'll blow over.

Everything will be back to normal.

Well, I want things normal now, Barn.

Hey, I worked hard to get where I am, and I... I'm staying.

Wojo, you don't have any choice in the matter.

Well, I got a choice, and I ain't doing it.

Um, Wojo, can I see you in my office a minute?

Barn, Barn, okay, I failed the sergeant's exam four times.

All right, well, I lived with that.

But I ain't taking a step backwards.

Wojo, as of this minute,

you are officially on uniform patrol duty.

I don't wanna hear any more about it.

I quit.

What happened?

A desk just opened up.

Right this way, Mrs. Himmel.

Georgia, what did he do to you?

Don't be afraid to tell me.

I'm fine, Steven. Yeah?

Is this Mrs. Himmel?

I know what you mean.

Okay, come on.

Right here.

And this is our purse-snatcher?

Uh, yeah, it's Mr. Schweikert.

Uh, actually, he's been very cooperative.

Somebody give me a gun, I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

Take it easy. Hey, what's he talking about?

I didn't do anything to her.

Oh, sure. Sure.

If you were alone with her for two hours,

would you be able to keep your hands off her?

I could, but don't go by me.

All right, book Schweikert.

Okay, Barney.

Mrs. Himmel, would you have a seat over here, please?

Detective Dietrich will take your statement now.

I want a policewoman.

Himmel... I know the kinds of questions

you're gonna ask her.

Steven, please, absolutely nothing happened.

Mark was a perfect gentleman.

Mark?

Why are you calling him Mark?

'Cause that's his name.

What else did he make you say, Georgia?

What filthy things did he have you say?

Good collar, Dietrich.

Oh, we didn't have to do that much.

Well, you brought him in.

Well, all we had to do

was go into the elevator and pick him up.

Well, he... He could have escaped.

There's only one way out of an elevator.

But you were there.

Yeah. Thank you.

For what?

For being there.

Oh. You're welcome.

Address?

611 West 135th Street.

Hey, man, look, she's old enough to be my mother.

What do you think I am, some kind of degenerate?

I think you're a common, ordinary thief.

Hey, thanks, man. I appreciate it.

Hey.

Looks like you have a full house, captain.

What can I do for you, Levitt?

It's too bad those Rand Report guys

aren't here to see it.

What is it, Levitt?

I'm looking for Wojciehowicz.

He's assigned to my squad.

Uh, Wojo just stepped out for a moment.

Oh. I'll wait.

Uh, it might be more than a moment.

Oh. Where'd he go?

Well...

we don't know where he is right now.

Bugged out, did he, sir?

No, he didn't bug out.

He just went someplace to think.

Well, he's supposed to be on duty downstairs right now.

Look, Levitt, I'd, uh...

I'd appreciate it if you'd give him a little grace period.

Got it, sir. I'll phony up the report.

You don't have to phony up anything.

It's just a question of a little time.

Time. Right. I'll just move the time back on the old sheet.

Don't worry about it.

Don't move anything back, Levitt.

Look, one hand washes the other.

Don't do anything, is that clear?

Consider it scratched.

What? Your back.

Get out of here, Levitt.

Right, sir.

Sometimes I almost think you're not kidding.

So, Mrs. Himmel,

what happened after the elevator became stuck?

Nobody wants to hear that.

Listen, I was a medical student.

That kind of talk has no effect on me.

It's the price you pay.

Okay, Schweikert, let's go downstairs

for photographs and prints, huh?

Hey... Hey, ma'am,

believe me, it was nothing personal.

Well, I'm sorry we couldn't have met

under more favorable circumstances.

Come on. Stop talking to him, Georgia.

You've excited him.

You've excited everyone.

Look at this serendipity.

Mr. Himmel?

I was right outside the elevator.

I heard a steady stream of good, clean conversation.

Really, George?

Really.

Nothing happened?

Nothing.

Although it... It was a little close in there.

Could we finish your statement now, Mrs. Himmel?

What do you mean "close," Georgia?

Close. You know, close.

It must mean something.

You have to keep a little mystery in your marriage.

I wouldn't know. I've never been married.

You never found the right girl?

Nope.

Anatomy class ruined me.

Um, I suppose the guys, uh,

resent me for sitting at Wojo's desk.

No.

Don't be silly.

Well, I just have the feeling that in their minds,

I'm like a vulture feeding on the carrion of a fallen comrade.

Well, when you put it that way...

Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

How are you doing? Good to see you.

Uh, don't force it.

Hear from Wojo yet?

Uh, no. I called this morning. Nothing.

Yeah, I went by there last night.

He wasn't there.

I'm sure he'll be okay.

It's a typical reaction associated

with acute self-deprecation or loss of self-esteem.

I don't think that's entirely true.

But it's possible.

It's possible.

I believe it. I mean, navy blue always depresses me.

Look, we're all reacting to that report.

Well, there have been reports before

and there'll be reports again.

The point is, we know who we are,

and we know the importance of the work we do.

Yeah.

Uh, I got a lot of stapling to do.

Good morning.

God, you look like you've been up all night.

I was.

I skipped the warm milk so I could stay awake.

Anything?

Case closed. You caught somebody?

I caught everybody. They were all doing it.

Stealing from each other for a little excitement.

Now, that's depressing.

When I accused them, they all stood there giggling at me.

Sent chills up my spine.

Says a lot about our culture, huh?

Some cultures are worse than ours.

Some oriental cultures have death rooms

where they just take their old people

and let them sit around waiting to die.

Not in San Francisco.

Others starve their old people to death.

When I was in medical school I took a course in Geriatrics.

It's like a hobby with me.

Get away.

All right, uh, throw out a report.

Yeah, and after I'm through

I'm gonna go back later and have a talk with some of them.

Good. I'm sure they'll be glad to know

that somebody's taking an interest in them.

They got my wallet.

Captain, I haven't seen Wojciehowicz yet.

What do I do with my strength report here?

Do whatever you have to do.

Bury it.

No, don't bury it.

Fill it out honestly, truthfully,

exactly as it happens, is that clear?

God, I hope so, sir.

Wojo... Morning.

Where the hell have you been all night?

Went for a walk.

All night?

Yeah.

That's not a walk, that's an odyssey.

Okay, Wojciehowicz, time for muster.

Right?

Right.

Okay, I just gotta get some stuff out of my desk.

This isn't what it looks like.

It doesn't look like anything.

That's a healthy attitude.

I just wanna get some stuff out of here, all right?

I didn't wanna get that chipped.

Thanks, Dietrich.

Here.

Oh.

See you next week.

Yeah.

It'll be okay.

I mean, it's just a temporary thing, huh?

And, uh, well, I figured why throw away a whole career

on a quick, emotional, dumb decision?

Right.

I'll stick it out.

Heck, I mean, maybe it'll make me a better cop.

Maybe.

Wojo.

I gotta break something.

Here. Here's a chair How about a cup?

Hey, break a window.

Don't worry.

How are you doing on that nursing home report?

I'm almost finished.

The more I keep writing, the more depressing it gets.

Well, no one's eluded old age yet.

Father Time is creeping up on all of us.

Doesn't he know we carry guns?

I don't think that would frighten him.

Brought up your mail, sir. Oh, thank you, Levitt.

Wojciehowicz is out on patrol and doing fine, sir.

Good. I cleaned up all the reports,

and no one is the wiser, sir.

Levitt...

Levitt, as long as this situation continues,

as long as Detective Wojciehowicz

is on duty downstairs,

you are to show him no favoritism.

You are to treat him no differently from anyone else

on that squad.

I want no cover-ups, no whitewashes,

I want nothing swept under any rugs

at any time.

Is that clear?!

Certainly, sir.

Absolutely clear, sir.

Whatever you say, sir.

He thinks I don't know he's covering up

for one of his guys.

Oh, God, you don't have the window fixed yet, sir?