Original subtitles

Hey, Fish. Yeah.

Uh, there's a bankruptcy sale on this afternoon.

You wanna buy a cemetery plot?

I got better things to do with my money.

It might not be a bad investment.

You might be able to rent it out until you needed it.

Definitely not.

I'm planning on donating my body to medical science.

If they'll take it.

Good morning. Good morning, Barney.

Good morning. How's the coffee?

Thick.

Try mixing in some hot water.

I did. That's what made it thick.

Morning, Fish. FISH: Morning.

Hi, Woj. BARNEY: Good morning, Wojo.

Hi, Nick.

Hey, uh, Barn,

you wanna guess what's in the box?

Is it bigger than a shoebox?

No. Couldn't be.

Then I give up.

Those aren't shoes, are they?

Come on, Barn. They're brownies.

Oh.

Gloria made 'em.

Gloria?

Yeah, uh, this girl I met.

She lives right down the street.

She, uh... She gets turned on by police officers.

Go ahead, uh, try one.

They're... They're good.

They... They look wonderful,

but, uh, I gotta watch my weight.

Ah, you too, huh?

Little spare tire? Heh-heh-heh.

I don't know that I would describe it that way, no.

Gloria calls 'em "love handles."

But you'd like her, Barn.

She paints.

Oh, and plays the flute.

And... And since I met her, she...

She ain't been hangin' around the police station anymore.

Good. Good.

Hey, uh, Nick. Yeah.

Want a homemade brownie?

Did you make 'em?

No.

Okay.

Hey, Harris. Harris, you want a brownie?

Uh, no. No thanks, man.

Gotta watch the love handles.

Hi, guys. Got your mail.

Okay.

Morning, sir.

Oh, good morning, uh, Levitt.

Here's your mail, sir.

Oh, thank you.

And a copy of my service record.

Thought you might want to take a look at it.

Makes pretty good reading.

Uh, soon as I get a chance.

You'll find many examples of initiative,

dedication to duty and loyalty, sir.

Loyalty? Courage is also indicated.

Good.

What you won't find, sir, is height.

There's not a lot of height in there.

Well, shortness is a result of parentage,

of which my mother and father were both very good examples:

5 foot 2 and 4 foot 8.

Dad liked tall women. Heh-heh-heh.

So I have humor, but no height.

Levitt, I admire your spirit but there are a lot of factors

that have to be taken into consideration

when choosing a detective.

Religion. Huh?

I believe there's a God. Good.

I ain't crazy about the way he does things...

Levitt, believe me, I got you in mind,

but these things take time.

Yes, sir. I'll be on duty till 5:30, sir.

Makin' it tough.

Barney. Hm?

There's a disturbance over at Washington Square.

A couple of guys are having a duel with sabers.

Sabers? You mean sabers?

That's what they said.

Uh, Harris?

Yeah. You wanna go with Nick?

Okay, Barn.

Hm.

Hey, uh, Harris.

Where...? Where'd you hear that expression, "love handles"?

Round the neighborhood.

Coming, Nick?

Hi. Hi.

Help you? Yeah.

You got a detective up here named Phil Fish?

Right here.

Hey. Phillip K. Fish?

That's right. That's me.

Hey, Fish.

Hey.

Frank Slater.

We went through the academy together, remember?

Oh, Slater.

Yeah, sure I remember.

Hey, that had to be, what, 35 years ago, huh?

Yeah, yeah. How you doing?

Great, great. Uh, I was out in Queens for a while

with the 165,

but when they started with all that layoff business,

the department sent me down here on TDY.

Well, uh... Uh, no kiddin'.

Just keep it calm, will you please?

Just keep it down. Hold it, hold it down!

What's going on here?

Wait a minute. Hold it.

Uh, Barn, that's Polish.

Really?

Would you mind?

Quiet. Quiet. Quiet!

Uh, he says this man insulted him.

Uh, he said he deserved it.

Something about the theater.

Yeah, I'm an actor in the theater.

Oh, he says he's an actor in the theatre.

I heard him.

Oh, uh, right.

And, uh, I am a drama critic.

I write for Polish newspaper.

Ah, natural enemies.

That man attacked me publicly in the newspaper.

Every Polish-speaking person in New York

will read that slander.

I attacked your performance.

And it was dreadful.

Okay. All right.

You've had about enough of that.

Uh, Harris, would you take Mr., uh...?

Makowski.

Mr. Makowski with you,

and, uh, Yemana? YEMANA: Yeah.

You'll take Mr., uh...?

Psczola.

With you. We'll, uh,

get all the pertinent details here.

You two gentlemen cool down a little, please.

No more insults.

So you been doin' great, huh, Phil?

Detective sergeant.

I'm proud of you, Phil.

Hey, uh... Hey, tell me something.

Are you still married to Bernice Gruber?

Oh, yes.

What a woman.

Boy, there was a time...

Well, listen, the best man won.

I beg your pardon?

Name?

Psczola.

Zbigniew Psczola.

You spell it like it sounds.

P-S-C-Z-O-L-A.

Write your number down on a piece of paper.

I wanna give her a call.

Maybe I'll take you both out to lunch today?

Well, we don't go to lunch together very often.

Breakfast and dinner seems plenty.

Are you, uh...?

Are you an American citizen?

Not yet.

Oh, I... I was very famous in Poland,

but I must leave it three years ago.

I see.

You people in America, you don't know

what it means to be oppressed.

How long you say you've been here?

Oh, what a dancer she was.

Remember the old Glen Island Casino?

Glenn Miller wailing it out there. Artie Shaw.

Oh, she used to have a way of just fitting you, you know?

Well, look, I, uh...

I better get back downstairs, Phil.

What do you say we talk again soon, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure.

See you, lucky.

Yes, ma'am. Thank you.

We'll take care of it.

Bye.

Hey, Barn?

Yeah?

Got a burglary suspect.

Woman came home and found this guy in her apartment.

Where?

In the bedroom.

What address?

Oh.

Here.

69... 67 West 7th Street... West 9th Street.

He... She went out the window, went right across the ledge

and up the wall and onto the roof.

Uh, all right.

Fish, go with him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, uh, take care running around up there.

Oh, don't worry about him.

You better take a couple of cars.

Yeah, no problem, Barn.

Oh, thank you.

Quick energy.

Makes it easy to get the jump on the bad guy.

You know, he was once a fine actor

with Polish National Theater, but now...

You want a brownie?

No. I want to go away from here.

They're pretty good. Look.

See, you dunk 'em, and they get nice and mushy.

Thank you.

Good word, mushy.

Mushy. Mushy. Mushy.

The play was The Sacred Bird of Crakow.

Do you know it?

I don't think so, man. Come on.

Oh, it was... It was beautiful.

I am the star, and the audience, they just worship me.

And he?

What does he say here:

"Janusz Makowski" That's me.

"Janusz Makowski plays his role

like a howling jackass."

That's heavy man. Heavy.

"A howling jackass," he calls me.

I apologize to the jackasses.

I don't think this is funny.

Funny.

Funny bone. Funny bone. Funny bone.

What's happening, baby?

♪ And the music of life ♪

♪ Seems to be ♪

♪ Like a bell ♪

♪ That is ringing ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ And from the way ♪

♪ That I feel ♪

♪ When the bell Starts to peal ♪

Nick, you all right?

Barney. Barney.

Barney.

Is your mother from Killarney?

Hey, uh, Barn, I think he's stoned.

Stoned? What are you talking about?

Hey, what do you say we guys go down to the beach

and shoot some clams?

How many of these things have you had?

Mushy, mushy.

Harris, I think there...

I think there's something in these things.

Have you had any?

Mm-hm.

Wojo!

Ah, ha, he's out, Barn.

I mean, he and Fish, or Fish and he.

You think you can still function?

Hey, sharp as a tack.

All right.

Get these things, have them analyzed, fast.

Nick.

Not that way!

I think they've got hash in them, Barn.

Hash?

Ha, from the way that I feel.

♪ And the bell Starts to peal ♪

♪ It's almost ♪

♪ Like being in love ♪

Okay. Yeah. All right.

How's Nick?

I like him.

And you? How do you feel?

Hey, never felt better.

I mean, not that I can remember.

You think Nick can work? Oh, sure.

I mean, nothing too complicated, but he can work.

Complicated?

Dialing the phone.

Speak of the devil.

Twelfth Precinct. Captain Miller speaking.

Yeah?

Right.

Yeah, I thought so. Thank you.

You were right. That's the lab.

Laced with hashish.

And I made a pig of myself.

Anybody seen my legs?

Nick, I want you to go home.

They're about that long.

All right. All right.

Ten toes.

One's busted.

You think you're straight enough to take him home?

Not to worry.

Yeah, it looks like this.

Okay, come on. Come on.

Take him home.

Two of you, stay home until you feel better.

Okay, Barn, I'll stay.

But I ain't never gonna feel no better.

Listen,

better not drive a car. Take a bus.

Hey, Barn, if I can't drive a car...

I better not drive a bus.

You better go down the back way.

Excuse me, sir. Uh, Kogan said you needed some help up here.

All right. Uh, can you type, Levitt?

Type? Pssh.

I take it that means yes.

Yes, sir. All right.

Can you spell cat?

Huh?

Cat, damn it. Can you spell cat?

We want guys with experience up here.

Harris, take him home.

Yes, sir.

C-A-T. Cat.

Very good. Sit down.

Hey, Harris, do this.

Yeah, okay.

I heard it.

It goes "squish, squish."

Beautiful, man. That's beautiful.

Come on.

What's the matter with them?

Uh, overwork. Fatigue. Tension.

Right, sir.

You said you could type. Type.

Very Chekhovian, isn't it?

More intense.

Twelfth Precinct, Acting Detective Levitt.

Yes, ma'am.

Hold on a minute, ma'am.

Sir? Mrs. Fish wants to know

should she wait dessert for Sergeant Fish.

Tell her he's out on a call.

Tell her he's already had dessert.

Captain Miller, please, what are you going to do with us?

Well, considering the absence of the arresting officers

and certain other unforeseen circumstances,

heh, I'm gonna release you.

Oh.

All I want is your word that from now on

you'll find a more innocuous way of settling your differences.

You promise?

Promise.

Thank you. Officer Levitt.

Yo. Make out a release form.

Yes, sir.

Step over here.

Glad to see you get a break.

What's with you guys anyway? You know, you ain't human.

You're a bunch of hot dogs, that's what you are.

Fish, you all right?

Never felt better.

Wojo?

Yeah, Barn? The guy rifled three apartments,

and he tried to get away, and me and Fish caught up to him.

Chased me all the way across the roof

of the apartment building, then they jumped to the bank.

Jumped. The old guy just went bang, zoom, boom!

Yeah.

I mean, how did you do that?

That's gotta be 12 feet across there. Huh?

What do you think, you're playin' with kids?

Hey, sit down, will you?

Wojo, are you aware that those brownies

you brought in this morning were laced with hashish?

No kidding.

I don't feel a thing.

I know.

Are you sure, Barney?

Verified by the lab report.

First time in 20 years I felt really good,

and it has to be illegal.

Captain?

Uh, what's your name?

Fred.

Fred what?

Well, gentlemen, you're free to go.

Mr. Makowski... Yes.

And Mr...?

Psczola.

Right.

Here you are. Thank you, sir.

And remember your promise.

Yes, yes, yes.

You know, gentlemen, when you think about it,

neither one of you would have a job without the other.

I mean, what would a critic do

without actors to criticize?

And, uh, Mr. Makowski,

who would ever have heard of you if it wasn't for the critics?

I think maybe each of you owes the other an apology.

Mr. Psczola,

what the captain says, it's true,

and I confess I acted very foolishly.

I left Poland because it was impossible to express

one's true feelings,

one's true commitments,

and I am deeply ashamed for trying to prevent you

from expressing your own true feelings

honestly and completely.

Mr. Psczola, I beg your forgiveness.

You have it,

with gratitude and respect, Mr. Makowski.

Now, that was a performance.

Sergeant, what are these for?

Crowd control.

Here you are, Barn.

Ah.

How does this look?

Wojo, I think maybe you'd better go home, huh?

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

Under criminal offense, you typed "burglary" six times.

Just tryin' to make a point.

Under arresting officer, you wrote:

"Wojciehowicz, chief of police."

Wojo, just get your coat and go home. Come on.

Barn, I'm... I'm sorry about Gloria.

Oh, okay, okay.

Barn, y-you...? You forgive us?

We'll talk about it another time.

Barn, to err is human, to forgive divine.

Wojo, will you get your coat and go home?

Forgive me, Barn.

Be divine.

I forgive you.

Thank you.

Levitt.

Boy, you go ask the average guy to be divine

and see how far you get.

Right?

Yeah, sure.

Levitt, I want you to take Detective Wojciehowicz home.

Well, forgive me for sayin' so, sir,

uh, but he don't look overworked.

He looks stoned.

It's okay, Levitt.

It's... It was an accident. Something he ate.

Oh. Yeah, sure.

It's true. I mean, that's why you're up here.

Detective Wojciehowicz and the others ingested

a certain amount of hashish, gift-wrapped as brownies.

You don't have to explain to me, captain.

It's like eating poisoned food.

I ain't gonna say nothin' to nobody.

A guy's gotta know when to keep his mouth shut.

You can say anything you want.

Everybody's heard about it. Not from me.

Levitt, just take Wojciehowicz home!

Yes, sir. Thank you.

You don't have to thank me, sir.

You scratch my back, I'll scratch your back.

One hand washes the other, right, sir?

Wojo! Come on, let's go.

Come on.

Hey, Barn?

Yeah?

Fish? Yeah?

You all right?

Yeah. Sure?

Yeah. Okay. Take him downstairs.

Fingerprints and photographs. Right away.

Come on, criminal person.

Hey, what a lunch you missed, Fish baby.

What a lunch. What?

Like I told Bernice, if you ever get tired of her,

I'll take her in a minute.

What a hunk of woman.

And you wanna know something?

She still fits.

Just a minute. Just a minute.

That's my wife you're talking about.

Yeah, I know.

My woman, you understand?

Mine. Companion.

Mother to my daughter. Bed partner!

Take it easy. I'm not gonna kick your behind

this time, Slater,

but stay away from Bernice or you're gonna answer to me.

Now beat it!

Oh, my God. What am I talking about?

Morning, Fish.

Good morning, uh, Nick.

Good morning, everybody.

Hey.

What's the matter with your foot?

I broke a shoelace.

Oh.

I didn't want to stop and fix it.

You can't stoop over in this neighborhood.

Morning, Barn. Good morning.

Look, uh, before it gets busy around here,

I think we ought to clear the air a little.

What happened yesterday was a... It was an accident.

It was just one of those things that happens,

and you... You hope never happens again.

I just want everybody to know that as far as I'm concerned,

the incident is forgotten.

What incident is that, Barn?