Original subtitles

Uh, what's the latest line on, uh...? Uh, Carter?

Four-to-5? Pass.

Anything good in the senatorial?

No, no, forget it.

Oh... Oh... Oh, put $6 on, uh, Hawaii to go Republican.

Yeah, I heard a little something.

My uncle's got a shmata business in, uh, Honolulu.

That's right. Good.

Don't you got anything better to do with your time?

Nope.

No murders? No muggings?

No ripoffs, no rapes.

It'll make you lose your faith in human nature.

Well, I did my patriotic duty. I voted.

Congratulations. Yup.

Boy, it's really exciting down there at the polls, you know?

People laughing and joking.

It's kind of inspiring.

Yeah.

Did you vote yet?

Uh, no, not yet.

Who are you gonna vote for?

I haven't made my mind up yet.

Well, uh, are you a democrat or republican?

I haven't made my mind up yet.

Here's your coffee.

Oh, thanks. Is it fresh?

The grounds are.

I can't vouch for the water.

Well, what could live in your coffee?

Wojo, check out these hot sheets against the APB's.

Yeah. Uh, did you vote yet, Barn?

No, not yet. I got time.

Who you gonna vote for?

Gonna vote for a lot of different people.

One for each office, of course.

And for president?

Yeah, I'm gonna vote for one of those.

Who?

Wojo, the secret ballot

is one of America's most treasured possessions.

Yeah, I know. I just wanna find out if we dig the same guy.

I respect your opinion.

Tell me, would you still respect my opinion

if we don't vote for the same guy?

Sure, Barn.

You're not gonna vote for someone crazy, are you?

Okay, Mr. Crippen, come on. Inside.

Oh, this is all a terrible misunderstanding.

I assure you I can pay for those things.

Then why didn't you?

I... I didn't have time.

But you had time to, uh, shove a few things

into your pockets, though, didn't you?

Please, don't treat me like a criminal.

I'm under a doctor's care.

What's the matter with you?

I'm sick.

Shoplifting, Barney.

Siegel's department store.

It was just an impulse.

Mr. Crippen, um,

you wanna have a seat over here, please?

Say, uh, you, uh...

You wouldn't happen to know a Shirley Feldman, would you?

Lives over on 66 Central Park West?

No.

I was just curious. She, uh...

She wears things like this.

Uh, Mr. Crippen, would you like to have a seat

over here, please?

What is your, uh, address, sir?

4357 Riverside Drive.

Okay.

Look, I didn't really mean to steal those things.

I've always paid for them in the past.

It's nice stuff.

Please, if this were to get out,

it could ruin my reputation.

Just let me take those things back.

Look, I can't do that, Mr. Crippen.

You see, the kind of stuff you stole

can't be returned.

But they've never been worn.

Barney, a guy on West 10th, uh,

says, uh, he got hit on the head by a toilet seat.

I beg your pardon?

He says he thinks it was thrown from a third-floor apartment.

Dietrich? Yes.

You involved in anything?

A little of this, little of that.

Yeah. Check this out.

"Toilet seat fell on West 10th Street

from third-floor window."

Any survivors?

Fortunately, it was unoccupied at the time.

It would be embarrassing if the fall didn't kill you.

Strange man.

Okay.

Uh, Barney? BARNEY: Uh-huh?

I checked out Mr. Crippen.

He's got, um, no previous arrests.

Good family, responsible businessman.

He's got an office in Wall Street

and charge accounts at all the big stores in New York.

Did you call Siegel's?

Yeah, they're pressing charges.

I mean, they were very understanding

until I told them about the other charge accounts.

Clarence Darrow you're not.

Sorry, Barn.

By the way, uh, he wants to vote too.

Oh, that's commendable.

Yeah, well, he was on his way to the polls

when he got picked up.

First things first.

Uh, yeah.

You know, Wojo,

it used to be a cinch to pick the presidential race.

You know, the guy with the longest name always won.

Uh, Truman over Dewey.

Uh, Eisenhower over Stevenson.

Roosevelt over, uh, everybody.

Nixon beat McGovern.

Yeah, he screwed up everything.

You might say that.

Mm-hm.

You're a democrat, right, Harris?

Hey, man, are you kidding?

Do you know how much I paid for this outfit?

Hey. Hey, you know, as of the last half-hour,

uh, Ford was, uh, even money.

I thought you bet on Carter?

I don't care who wins. It's the sport of it.

Two hours locked up in a toilet.

What was I supposed to do?

You're lucky you didn't kill somebody.

Have a seat... Uh, a chair, Mrs. Relke.

She threw this out the window with "help" written on the lid.

Just missed the guy.

I only did it to attract attention.

That'll do it.

Her husband locked her in the bathroom.

Why?

BeCause I told him I had the right

to vote for anybody I wanted to.

Democrats.

Inhibiting someone's right to vote

is a federal offense.

Well, I certainly hope so.

We're gonna have to have a little talk with Mr., uh...?

Relke. R-E-L-K-E.

Charles Kaiser Relke.

And I would like to have him arrested.

Harris, uh, you and Dietrich.

Let's find Mr. Charles Kaiser Relke.

Bring him in for questioning.

Mrs. Relke will give you the details.

Okay, Barney.

Mrs. Relke,

you wanna have a seat over here, please?

Well, what would you do if somebody told you

you couldn't vote?

I'd move south.

You got any evidence tags?

Yeah.

Here. Thank you.

Got any coffee left?

Sure, it's... Wash your hands first.

Oh, hi.

Inspector.

Hi, Barney. BARNEY: Ah, inspector.

What can we do for you?

I, uh... You got some security set up

over at the Greenwich Hotel for the night?

There's gonna be some big doings going on over there, you know.

Party for a local politician, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. A little shindig for Jake Scofield.

Our next city councilman, with a little luck.

Jake Scofield. I've read his name in the paper, haven't I?

Yeah, get this, Barney:

If, uh, Scofield gets elected, guess who's got a shot at...

At becoming the next full-fledged police commissioner

of the N.Y.P.D.? No kidding.

Yeah, huh? How about that?

Scofield? Scofield?

Wasn't he involved in those garbage-payoff scandals?

They never pinned a thing on him, Barney.

I've known Scofield for two years,

ever since he was assistant bookkeeper

at the Department of Sanitation.

Before he had a dime. Oh.

You know how the newspapers jump on stuff like that, Barney.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Sure.

Captain Miller, the polls will be closed in an hour.

Okay, Mr. Crippen.

Who's that?

Oh, that's Mr. Crippen.

He was arrested for shoplifting.

He wants to vote. Who's he gonna vote for?

I haven't asked him.

What did he lift?

Captain Miller, it's my constitutional right to vote,

isn't it? All right.

Even under these circumstances.

We'll see what we can do.

Wojo, take Mr. Crippen over to the polls,

let him vote and then bring him back.

Sure, Barn.

Uh, who's he gonna vote for?

I haven't asked him.

You stole women's drawers?

I didn't intend to.

I wanted to pay for them.

A little present for your wife, huh?

I'm not married.

Ah. Ain't you disgusting.

Uh, Wojo. WOJO: Yes, sir.

Y-you vote yet?

Sure did, inspector. Good. Good.

Probably voted for Jake Scofield, right?

Uh, no, I didn't vote for him.

Well, shame on you, Wojciehowicz.

He's just the man the city deserves.

We haven't had a candidate like Jake Scofield

since the days of, uh...

Hey, did you ever hear of Tammany Hall?

Yeah, they were a bunch of crooks.

Where did you get that?

I learned it in school.

School. Ick. Consider the source.

Yeah, well, I'll see you around, Barn.

Yeah. Oh, listen.

By the way, when me and Scofield make it,

don't think I'm gonna forget my good friends

here at the old one-two, huh?

Maybe, uh, a fresh paint job, a new drinking fountain.

We'll keep a good thought.

Oh, what's the pervert's name?

Crippen.

Hi there, Mr.Crippen, sir.

A moment, please.

May I ask you to remember the name Jacob Scofield,

city councilman, borough of Manhattan?

Jacob Scofield. I've heard the name.

Of course you have. Sure.

He's for justice, progress and, uh...

And all that other good stuff like that there, you know?

Oh, I'll keep him in mind.

That's all I could ask, Mr. Crippen.

Thank you, sir.

I'll tell you, Barney.

First thing Scofield's gonna do when he gets elected

is get freaks like that off the streets.

Hm.

Cherchez la femme, huh, Barney?

If my husband's not at home, he's...

He's probably in the park yelling at somebody.

We'll find him.

We always get our man.

Cop talk.

He never talks. He always yells.

He's been yelling for 18 years.

I can't even hear normal conversation anymore.

Would you like some more coffee? What?

Coffee?

Oh, no, thank you. I can't drink coffee.

Do you have any more of this?

We're out.

Wojo not back yet?

No, I guess the polls are crowded.

Yeah, I wanna get there myself.

Uh, Mrs. Relke, it won't be necessary to hold you.

After we've questioned your husband, we'll contact you.

I appreciate it.

And if you wanna vote, better get a move on.

Harris and Dietrich check in yet?

Haven't called in yet. Hm.

Listen, is there anything wrong with my voting Republican?

Oh, not particularly, no.

I mean, what's-his-name

hasn't done such a bad job so far, has he?

No.

Okay, Mr. Relke, step inside,

empty your pockets and take a seat, huh?

This is Mr. Relke, Barney.

We found him in the park yelling at people.

So this is the payment for 18 years of devotion,

right, Edna?

Dragged into prison in irons like some animal, huh?

I just wanted somebody to come and get me out of the bathroom.

Sure. Me, me. Get me, take me, buy me.

Did you ever have a thought for someone else, huh?

I had to throw a toilet seat out the window.

Sure, sure, what do you care? It's only money, right?

Mr. Relke, preventing someone from voting

is a violation of their civil rights.

That's a federal offense.

Well, someday you'll thank me.

He locked me up in that bathroom

because I wanted to vote Republican.

I'd like to see you try to get away with

something like that up here. Harris.

Sorry, Barney.

You see what it is? She don't know the issues.

She don't know the people.

She don't even know foreign policy.

She don't even know gross national product.

You know the problem with us, Edna?

You never grew with me.

I got a right to my opinion.

Mr. Relke, th-this is more than a family squabble.

It's a question of constitutional law here.

Your wife has the right to vote.

Sure, sure. W-what about me? Don't my vote count, huh?

Of course it does.

Look, look, I vote Democrat because I pay attention.

I mean, I read, and I know the issues, you see?

And out of pure spitework,

she's gonna vote Republican just to cancel out of my vote!

So help me Edna, if I had you alone for five minutes...

No, no. No threats, please.

You're an animal.

Mr. Relke.

Uh, Barn, could I talk to you a minute?

Where's Crippen?

Uh, he got away.

Escaped?

Barn.

Barn, can I talk to you a minute alone?

What happened? What happened?

How'd he get away? Barn.

Did you put out an APB? Barn.

In my office.

Well, I had to take his handcuffs off

so he could pull the lever.

And, uh, they made me wait outside the booth,

because that's the law.

And?

Well, and, uh, after about 20 minutes or so,

I... I started to get suspicious.

Good.

But I... I figured he was just having trouble

making up his mind.

I mean, it took me a half-hour.

And?

And, uh, so then when I looked inside,

he crawled out the other side.

I mean, it really stinks, Barn.

You do what you can for a guy.

You gave him his rights.

"Wojo, take him down to the polls and let him vote."

And this is how he thanks you.

He runs out on you and makes you look like a idiot.

I assume you took some steps to preserve my image?

Yeah, I put out a APB on him

and I got a car waiting at his office

and a car at his house.

I appreciate that.

It's okay, Barn.

You know, this don't make me look too good either.

He got away from you, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, look, don't worry about it.

It's, uh... It's just something that happens.

I mean, uh, we're human.

There's nobody that's perfect.

We do our jobs, we do the best we can,

and every once in a while, it...

Because we're fallible, the unforeseen happens.

It just... It just happens. You understand?

You ever lose a prisoner, Dietrich?

Me? No, are you kidding?

Okay, Mrs. Relke,

what you do is you, uh, sign right here.

What is it?

This is a complaint charging Mr. Relke with assault.

Hey, hey, wait a minute. Edna, wait a minute.

There was no assault.

Did you or did you not lock me up in a bathroom?

I could've locked you in the closet, but no,

I was being considerate.

What happens if I don't sign it?

Well, then Mr. Relke here goes free as a bird.

Ah-ha. How about that? The shoe is on the other foot.

How would you like it if I had you locked up?

Come on, Edna. Yeah, come on, Edna.

I mean, I've typed this up in triplicate.

I wanna see somebody go to jail.

Okay, Charlie, I won't sign it this time,

but I'm gonna take it with me.

Can I keep the date open on it?

I'll settle for that.

Anything yet?

Oh, not yet.

Uh, you keep me informed.

Oh, Captain Miller, I want to thank you for your courtesy.

A pleasure, Mrs. Relke.

I'm going to the polls.

Well, good.

Have you got any recommendations?

Ah-ha. I'm afraid this is something

you're gonna have to do by yourself.

Well, you're such a fine person.

I thought maybe you might be able to give me a little hint.

I appreciate it, Mrs. Relke, but I'm afraid I can't.

You're under arrest!

Yes, I know.

Welcome back, Mr. Crippen.

The manager of Siegel's agreed to drop the charges

if I paid for the merchandise

and if I opened up a charge account.

Here's the receipt.

That ought to cover everything.

Well, that don't cover nothing, because you're a fugitive.

He's right, uh, Mr. Crippen.

You escaped from the custody of a police officer.

I haven't escaped, captain. I'm still in custody.

What about the last two hours?

Yes, well, I looked for you.

I've been looking for you!

Well, maybe we just missed each other.

Wojo, uh, why don't you, uh, call Siegel's

and, uh, check this out...? But Barn...

Just one thing at a time.

You wanna sign for this, Mr. Relke?

Oh, look at it. It's busted.

Get another one.

It's part of a set.

How about you? What do you think?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Relke. I can't help you.

You see, we have, uh, different problems.

Are you kidding?

I lived for years just outside of Harlem.

Oh, yeah.

Living just outside of Harlem

is like living just outside of Sing Sing.

Hey, uh, we got 28 minutes left, Barney.

Yeah, I'll make it.

Wait, Harris. I'll walk out with you.

All right, let's go.

How about you? Could you give me hint?

I don't discuss politics or religion

with close personal friends.

We're not friends.

Well, we could be. I like you, you like me.

Well, I guess so.

Good night, Edna. Keep in touch.

Barney, Siegel's ain't gonna press charges.

Okay, then all that's left to consider

is Mr. Crippen's absence.

His escape.

Well, if you think that was his intent,

by all means, book him.

Wait a minute. What do you mean "think it was his intent"?

Well, intent is a very important part of law.

I'm not a judge, Barn.

Well, neither am I, but as police officers

we should at least be certain that we have grounds for arrest.

Okay. Okay.

If you think that his intent was to escape, that's one thing,

but if you happen to feel

that you just lost track of each other...

But he... He didn't come out of that booth

the way he went in.

Well, see you in an hour.

Unless, uh, I wasn't paying attention.

Whatever you say.

I'll think about it.

I made up my mind.

I'm not gonna vote at all.

What is it, one lousy vote?

Now, that would be a mistake, Mrs. Relke.

Voting is not only a privilege, it's a responsibility.

Okay, okay.

I got one vote and I don't know what to do with it.

Somebody give me a suggestion.

Edna.

You watch your mouth, Charlie.

Mrs. Relke, a person cannot become politically aware

in 15 minutes.

Why don't you start preparing for 1980?

Okay, but how do I make my choice now?

All right, I'll tell you what you do.

You go into the booth... Uh-huh.

And you close your eyes... Yeah.

And you pick.

But I could be wrong.

But you could be right.

Now, there is a brilliant man.

Captain Miller, wait for me.

You know, when we first got married,

I was taller then she is.

Okay, come on. Beat it.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

It's paid for.

Going to vote, Nick?

Yeah. I still don't know who I'm gonna vote for.

I'm all over the board.

I... I... I got bets on five senators.

I got... I got Carter here at 6-to-5, 50 bucks,

70 bucks, 9-to-2 on Ford.

The hell with it. I'm gonna vote for somebody I like.

We'll be going back to Harry Reasoner

for more coverage of Election '76 in a few minutes,

but, uh, now a look at how the returns are shaping up

in local and statewide races.

How come you're a republican?

Because those of us who are into the decategorization

of the stereotypical political alignments

are also broadening our horizons.

And in the race for that vacant city council seat,

with 40 percent of the vote counted,

it's Dukowski 57,123,

and Scofield trailing badly with just under 8000 votes.

Ah, it's early yet.

Maybe they'll, uh, have a recount.

Well, yeah, maybe it's just as well.

I mean, uh, police commissioner?

Ha! Who needs it?

Pencil-pushing, bootlicking job like that, huh, Barney? Right?

Right. Huh? Sure.

Better off here. Yeah.

I'd rather be here on the firing line,

you know, with the real cops,

than sitting behind a desk someplace, huh, Barn?

Right.

Eight thousand votes for crying out loud.

Well, inspector. The public must be served.

Yeah.

Damn shame, ain't it?