Original subtitles

Hey, hey, hey. What do you think you're doing?

I cleaned everything.

What for?

Busy hands are happy hands.

Would you like some coffee?

Uh, yeah, sure.

These cups look different.

I scrubbed off all the mold and mildew.

I thought it was a pattern.

Hey, uh, this coffee ain't bad.

Thank you. Would you like some?

No, thanks.

I'm cutting down.

Is there, uh, anything yet, Barney?

No. Wojo's calling the hospital.

Fix yourself up with a place to sleep?

Yeah, but I ain't gonna make it tonight, Barney.

Barn?

Uh, Dr. Friedman. Here he is, doctor.

Ah. Doctor, this is Captain Miller.

Yeah, we were wondering if there were, uh...

Still waiting for the results. All right.

How's, uh...? How's Dupree?

No, everybody here is fine. How about Dupree?

Phew, 105? Wow.

Convulsions, huh?

Hallucinating.

Okay, uh, I'd appreciate word as soon as you get it, huh?

Okay. Thank you.

He's hallucinating?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's what happens with high fever.

You don't hallucinate with chickenpox.

Then that means he has smallpox.

Oh, Mother! POLLY: Oh, my God.

All right, everybody just take it easy! Take it easy!

We don't know what it is yet.

The one thing we know is we don't need...

We don't need mindless and baseless panic. Agreed?

We're all going to die.

Did I miss something?

He's got 105-degree fever, and the guy's hallucinating...

Okay, okay,

let's settle down. It's getting late,

Fish? FISH: Yeah?

Why don't you take the cot over by the bathroom?

I'd appreciate it.

Nick, you okay over here? Yeah, just fine.

Oh, Miss Kapshaw, we've gotta find a place for you.

Oh, any place is fine. I'm not particular.

Why don't you, uh...? Why don't take the couch in my office?

Oh, well, if my friends could see me now.

Anybody got an extra toothbrush?

Wojo, why don't you finish the floor plan

as to who sleeps where?

Oh, all right, Barn.

Uh, inspector, it's occurred to me

that it probably would be better

if Miss Kapshaw slept on the couch in my office.

Oh, okay, Barney. I'll take the cot.

Just kidding. Know what happens.

It's all yours, Miss Kapshaw.

Thanks. My pleasure.

Nice kid, Barney, you know? Huh?

Too bad went wrong somewhere down along the line.

Nice heart-to-heart talk might just straighten her out.

About 2 a.m., huh, Barn?

Here you go, inspector. Oh, yeah.

Ah, thanks, Nick.

This looks a little scrungy, you know?

We use it to clean the typewriters.

You better wash it out real good before you use it.

Yeah.

Uh, I guess it's better than nothing. Thanks.

Okay, uh, Marty, you can keep this cot right here.

And, uh, Mr. Driscoll, uh,

you can use that cot over there.

Why?

Uh, why what?

Why are we being put on opposite sides of the room?

Uh, well, that's just the way it worked out.

Well, it's totally unacceptable.

That's the way it is... Germ warfare...

Whoa, whoa, what's the problem?

There's no problem, Barn!

I just told Marty that he could sleep over there,

and Mr. Driscoll could sleep over there.

Wojo, let them be as comfortable as they can,

wherever they can. They're our guests.

Thank you.

Okay, Barn, uh...

If it ain't gonna bother you, it ain't gonna bother me.

Ain't gonna bother me.

Well, it's gonna bother me.

Wojo, it's a temporary situation.

As soon as there are more conclusive results

the hospital will call us. In the meantime,

we have to put up with an uncomfortable circumstance.

Yeah, but those guys are...

Those of us who have work to do, will do it.

Is that understood?

Yes, captain.

Those of us with nothing to do, will do nothing.

Hiya. How are you?

I work downstairs.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Name is Levitt. Officer Carl Levitt.

I work downstairs.

Right, I'm Harris.

I know that. I see you guys every day,

without sayin' hello, comin' up here to work.

Can I, uh, do something for you, Levitt?

You got any more sandwiches?

Hey, man, we kept 10.

You guys had 170.

Some of the guys are still hungry.

They sent me up as spokesman.

Sorry.

You mind if I ask around?

Good luck. Thanks.

So, uh, this is where all the detectives hang out?

I never been up here before because I ain't made detective.

Too short. Never mind a guy's record,

his devotion to duty. Too short.

We're cops, not basketball players.

Oh, excuse me, how you doing?

Uh, you got any...? You got any food left?

Uh, no.

Oh. Okay.

Oh, excuse me, Captain Miller? Uh-huh.

Levitt. Officer Carl Levitt.

What can I do for you, Levitt?

The guys are kind of hungry downstairs, sir.

I'm afraid they're gonna have to make do

till the morning. Yes, sir.

Oh, I'd, uh, appreciate the chance

to, uh, have an opportunity to talk to you sometime, sir.

Man-to-man. Certainly, Levitt.

Relating to career opportunities

and prejudices contained therein, sir.

At some more opportune time, all right?

Thank you, sir.

What are you, about 6'1"?

Yeah, about. Why?

Ah. No reason.

6'1", sheesh.

Next, anybody?

Ah. Here you are, Nick.

Oh.

My breath, it smells like ink.

Sorry. You wanna lick some stamps?

Nah. Forget it.

This cot taken?

Yeah.

Okay.

You gonna finish that?

Who are you?

Forget it.

You wouldn't have anything left that you're not gonna eat, huh?

Sorry. I only had one sandwich,

and I finished that some time ago.

Excuse me.

How tall is he?

6-foot-3 and three-quarters.

You see? When you're that tall, they overlook anything.

Some fix, huh, Fish?

Yeah, it'll be all right.

You know, it's funny thing, Fish. You and I,

we work together eight hours a day, all week long,

and we never talk.

Like, a conversation, you know?

That's true.

See, Fish, this one's really got me.

I mean, uh, you keep your body in shape,

you take vitamins, eat the right foods,

and then some germ comes along and kills you.

Yeah.

I mean, I never used to think about death, you know?

And then... And then, all of a sudden it... It hit me.

You can go anytime. Pfft! Just like that.

Get a bullet in the back,

get hit by a truck.

Maybe something just snaps inside your head.

You see why we don't talk more often?

You know, I remember what my great-grandfather said

just before he died.

He said, "Although one may conspire

to delay the moment of one's death..."

Yeah?

That's as far as he got.

I don't care how I go, Barney. As long as I go fast.

You ain't gonna find Frankie Luger

rotting away in some hospital,

hooked up to one of those machines

that goes to the bathroom for you.

You know what I'd do in a case like that, Barney?

Very graphic.

Quick and clean. The way a good cop should go.

Foster went that way. Right.

Remember? Blew him up in his car?

Nothing left of him, remember?

And Kleiner. Remember Kleiner?

Gunned down over on 13th Street?

Huh? Not a bad way to go, Barney.

Very nice. Oh. Hey.

But I wouldn't wanna go like old Brownie though, huh?

That vein blew out in his head.

There he is up in that nursing home in Vermont,

layin' there, stretched out like a carrot.

Inspector. Inspector, it's... It's late.

Come on, why don't you try and get some sleep?

Okay, Barney. Sorry, Barney. It's just that,

you know, I really loved those guys, Barney.

And when I think of the...

I'm talkin' wholesome stuff!

Hey, Nick? What you doing?

Uh, nothing. I walk in my sleep.

Very funny.

Pretty good coffee, huh, Nick?

♪ Thank heaven ♪

♪ For little girls ♪

♪ For little girls Grow bigger every day ♪

Hiya.

♪ Thank heaven ♪

♪ For little girls ♪

♪ They grow up In the most delightful way ♪

Am I disturbing you?

No, not at all.

I love music.

Oh, thanks. Thanks. I just, uh,

didn't wanna upset your friend over there. Might be asleep.

Oh, I'm not asleep.

Good, good.

I didn't want you to doze off under the wrong impression.

I don't know what you mean.

Oh, yes, you do know what I mean.

Back there before when I was talkin' about

the three sweetest cops...

Greatest cops that ever lived.

I saw the look you gave me

when I said how much I loved those guys.

Well, I meant that in a man-to-man way.

You understand the expression "man-to-man"?

Very well.

Well, what I meant was that

we had love and affection for one another.

We were out there on the streets together, fightin' together.

And we did it every day. Day after day.

Ha-ha. We're still doing it.

But you two, you know, you're, uh...

Y-you have a different, uh, relationship.

Hasn't anybody ever pointed that out to you?

Love and affection between two human beings

is nothing to be ashamed of, inspector.

Of course not.

But you two, y-you're carrying it too far,

don't you understand?

It isn't that much further.

Oh.

Oh, somebody was shootin' off their mouth

about the fact I never got married, is that it?

I was married once.

Well, if you're gonna take that attitude...

Pfft!

No. No, I don't wanna go to work.

Not up there.

Huh? What's that?

Hot, dirty, messy.

Get out of that bathroom, man!

Rotten coffee.

Racin' forms. And lazy.

Human relations.

Lock all them crazy mothers up.

Hey, Barney, don't give me that old psychology, man.

Compassionate turkey.

Think we should wake him up?

And then kill him.

Uh, royalties...

Stocks, bonds, big gold bars.

Oh, God, I wanna be somebody!

Hello.

You all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, wh-what is it?

Nothing.

How come everybody's up?

Coincidence.

My mouth is all dry.

Probably from using it too much.

Did, uh,

anybody call me, Fish, while I was asleep?

Regina? I-I don't know.

Oh, uh, go ahead.

No, no, no, no, no. You go.

Uh, I can wait.

Oh, so can I.

Thanks.

Wow, you think you know somebody.

No respect. All right, all right.

A situation like this

can bring out hidden resentments.

Let's not let a few subconscious mumblings

poison a whole relationship.

Fine.

But sometimes I get pretty sick

of that compassion stuff myself.

No offense.

I got it.

12th Precinct, Wojciehowicz.

Yeah, just a minute. Barney, it's, uh, Dr. Friedman.

Yeah.

Doctor, yeah, Captain Miller here.

What's the verdict?

Yes, doc, you'll get paid, you'll get paid.

Come on, what kind of pox was it?

Chicken or little? Uh, small?

Now, you're ab...?

You're absolutely sure?

One hundred percent chicken.

Thank you, doctor, thank you.

Okay, we can all go home

as soon as we get this place straightened out.

Wojo, you better give them the word downstairs.

Right, Barn. Hey Fish,

how does it feel to know you're just as healthy today

as you were yesterday, huh? Heh.

You're vicious, you know that?

- Oh, Captain Miller? - Yeah?

Goodbye. I hope we haven't caused too much trouble.

No, no, not at all, Marty.

Well, would you say that I've been some help?

Yeah, you've been very cooperative.

And decent and honest and dependable?

Yes, Marty.

Would you tell that to the probation officer

so we can go to California?

Marty, they probably won't even listen to me.

They would if you got emotional about it.

Marty, I'll do whatever I can.

That's...

That's not too compassionate for you guys?

What does that mean?

Inside joke.

Well, goodbye everybody.

It was very nice being with all of you.

Uh, thanks for the coffee.

You're very welcome.

Uh, what did you do to the coffee?

Well, nothing special. It just takes a unique talent.

I was afraid it was something like that.

So long, inspector. Marty.

Goodbye, inspector. It was very nice talking to you.

Likewise. I, uh, trust I made myself perfectly clear.

Perfectly.

Excuse me, is there a Kapshaw, P. up here?

I got a bail ticket.

That's me.

Well, uh, goodbye, boys.

Thanks for the use of the hall, captain.

You've really been very considerate.

Good luck.

All we got was sandwiches.

So long, Phil.

Goodbye, Miss Kapshaw.

It's really been wonderful being with you.

You're terrific.

That's pure speculation.

Never have I spent so much time

with so many for so little.

You know, Winston Churchill said that.

Never met the man.

Regina?

How are you, baby?

Yeah, I'm sorry I had to wake you.

I tried to get ahold of you all last night.

Uh, did Cunningham explain to you why I couldn't make it?

Well, did he tell you what kind of disease?

Look, it was chickenpox.

I swear, it was, uh, chickenpox.

It was... Who's that laughing?

Is that Cunningham? Is that you, Cunningham?

Hello? Hello?

Go on home, get yourself some sleep.

Yeah. Been kind of a rough night. Yeah.

But, uh, got through it okay, didn't we?

And listen, Barney, I want you to know,

I don't think any the less of you,

and I hope you don't think any less of me.

Of course not. Why should I?

No reason, no reason at all, Barney. Heh-heh!

Okay. See you around, huh?

So long, fellows.

Oh, uh, uh, listen, I want you to know

it was very nice being here but, uh, actually,

I would much rather have been with some cute little...

Know what I mean, huh? Sure you do.

Like havin' a... A little girl.

Hey, uh, Barn, Barn.

You're absolutely certain now? We...? We don't have smallpox?

That's what the hospital said.

What a relief, you know? Yeah.

I mean, I was right on top of that guy.

If anybody was gonna get it, it was gonna be me.

Strictly chickenpox. Chickenpox all the way.

A childhood disease. We've all had it.

I never did. Heh.