Original subtitles

I'M SO GLAD I DON'T DRESS TO BE POPULAR ANYMORE.

I'M SO OVER THAT STUPID HIGH SCHOOL STUFF.

OH, AND BY THE WAY, THAT SHIRT... VERY FIVE MINUTES AGO.

IF ANYONE KNOWS "VERY FIVE MINUTES AGO," IT'S YOU.

OH, PLEASE, THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE POPULAR

IS BECAUSE I WENT OUT WITH KYLE WHICH MADE HIM POPULAR

AND THEN I DUMPED HIM AND YOU GOT HIM ON THE REBOUND

WHICH MADE YOU POPULAR. THEN I HAD A DEEP RELATIONSHIP

WITH DONNY DOYLE, PROBABLY THE MOST MEANINGFUL TWO WEEKS

OF MY ENTIRE LIFE, TOTALLY TAKING ME OUT OF THE LOOP,

CREATING A POPULARITY VACUUM AND VOILÀ.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

I'M NOT SURE, IT'S FRENCH, BUT MAGICIANS DO IT TOO.

BRIDGET, I AM NOT POPULAR JUST BECAUSE YOU LET ME BE.

OH, GOD. I'VE SEEN THIS DELUSION BUILDING FOR WEEKS.

I'M SORRY. I WAS JUST WALKING DOWN THE HALL

AND THOUGH I HEARD A CHICK-FIGHT.

- LEAVE! - GET LOST!

OKAY. I GUESS ISN'T A GOOD TIME TO TELL YOU

WHO'S ON HIGHSCHOOLSCANDAL.COM'S NEW HOT LIST.

RANKING GIRLS BY HOW HOT THEY ARE IS INSULTING,

- DEMEANING AND MEAN-SPIRITED. - YEAH YEAH YEAH.

AM I BACK ON THE LIST?

NO. KERRY HERE ON THE OTHER HAND IS NUMBER SEVEN.

ALREADY?! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

- IT MAKES YOU HAPPY? - NO, IT MAKES ME HOT.

WHO THE HELL'S NUMBER SIX?

Cate: HURRY UP, KIDS, YOU'LL BE LATE FOR SCHOOL!

- I MADE WAFFLES. - OOH!

I THOUGHT YOU MADE WAFFLES.

WELL, IF I'D TOLD YOU IT WAS CEREAL,

YOU'D STILL BE UPSTAIRS GOOFIN' OFF.

YOUR DAD'LL BE HOME WITH THE MILK IN A MINUTE.

I'LL GET IT.

COME ON, GIRLS! LET'S GO!

HELLO.

UH, YEAH, THIS IS MRS. HENNESSY.

- GOD, YOU ARE SO JEALOUS. - OH, PLEASE.

I DEBUTED AT NUMBER TWO ON THE HOT LIST.

Rory: YEAH, BUT SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO

THE THINGS YOU DID TO GET ON IT.

- Bridget: RORY! - Rory: AH, MOM!

MOM?

MY... MY KEYS. WHERE ARE MY KEYS?

- MOM? - OH MY GOD.

Bridget: MOM? MOM?

NO, I, UM... UM... WELL...

IF... IF THE MONSIGNOR WANTS TO SPEAK,

THAT'S FINE, BUT, UM... LISTEN...

NO, IT... JUST, UM...

COULD YOU PLEASE JUST DO

WHAT IT IS THAT'S DONE, OKAY?

PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

RORY.

THERE'S NO MILK.

WHERE'S YOUR SISTER?

SHE WON'T COME DOWN.

OKAY.

UM... I SHOULD GO TALK TO HER.

I'M GONNA...

RORY, WILL YOU PLEASE NOT KEEP YOUR SHOES ON THE STAIRS?

THOSE ARE DAD'S.

OKAY.

THAT'S GONNA BE YOUR GRANDMA.

- I'LL GET IT. - UH, HONEY, GO PUT A POT OF COFFEE ON, OKAY?

- GO ON. - OH, HONEY.

- HONEY. - MOM.

OH, SWEETIE.

OH, SWEETIE.

OH, I KNOW. I KNOW.

I KNOW.

OH, MY BABY GIRL.

OH, THERE SHE IS.

- HONEY... - DAD.

CATIE, CATIE, I'M SO SORRY, SWEETHEART.

OH, SUCH A GOOD MAN, A GOOD HUSBAND.

- A GOOD FATHER... - OH, HE WAS. HE WAS.

SO, DADDY, DID... DID YOU... DID YOU GUYS

COME ON THE SAME FLIGHT TOGETHER?

- YEP. - WELL, I... I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT...

OH, HONEY, WE'RE YOUR PARENTS FIRST.

- AND BITTERLY DIVORCED COUPLE SECOND. - OH, DAD.

WE ARE NOT DIVORCED, WE'RE SEPARATED.

ALL I KNOW IS I'M WASHING MY OWN CLOTHES,

MAKING MY OWN BED ONCE A WEEK.

YOU KNOW YOUR SISTER WOULD HAVE COME IF SHE COULD.

OH, I KNOW.

SHE... SHE CALLED FROM NEPAL.

NEPAL?

YOUR SISTER.

HONEY... KERRY, GO GET BRIDGET.

SHE SHOULD BE AROUND HER FAMILY RIGHT NOW.

SO, UM, CAN I... CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING, DAD?

- I JUST MADE A POT OF COFFEE. - I'D LOVE SOME, YEAH.

OKAY.

CATE, CATE, LET ME GET IT. COME ON NOW.

COME ON. YOU SIT DOWN.

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?

YEAH. YESTERDAY WOULD BE NICE.

BRIDGE?

WHAT?

GRANDMA AND GRAMPS ARE HERE.

IS DAD WITH THEM?

NO.

WELL, THEN I REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BACK IN 10 MINUTES.

HE WAS RUNNING A STUPID ERRAND AND HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BACK.

HE WAS TAKING US TO SCHOOL.

REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE LITTLE?

MOM AND DAD USED TO GO OUT AND...

WE WOULDN'T WANT THEM TO AND...

THEY'D SAY "WHAT DO YOU KNOW

ABOUT MOMMIES AND DADDIES?"

AND WE WOULD SAY "THEY ALWAYS COME BACK."

UNLESS THEY COLLAPSE IN AISLE THREE

OF A STUPID GROCERY STORE.

YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT. - Cate: I JUST...

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

HAVE YOU SPOKEN WITH ANYONE FROM THE CHURCH?

YEAH, MOM. FATHER FITZPATRICK STOPPED BY.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS TAKEN GREAT COMFORT FROM THE CHURCH.

YES, I KNOW.

BUT RIGHT NOW, GOD AND I

AREN'T EXACTLY ON SPEAKING TERMS.

WELL, HE'LL BE THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU'RE READY.

DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THOSE

BLUE AND PINK PACKETS THEY USE NOW INSTEAD OF SUGAR?

OH, SURE... YES, YOU KNOW I DO, DAD.

- GO... RORY, GO... - CAN'T YOU JUST USE THE REGULAR SUGAR?

NO, MY BLOOD SUGAR'S A LITTLE HIGH,

SO I'M JUST CUTTING DOWN ON THE SWEETS.

YOU HAD A CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE ON THE PLANE.

I'M NOT A FANATIC ABOUT IT. I'M JUST CUTTING DOWN.

YOU SEE? THAT'S WHY I TELL YOU TO CARRY THE PACKETS WHEN YOU'RE OUT.

MA, COULD WE JUST NOT TALK ABOUT

ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS RIGHT NOW?

I'M SORRY, DEAR.

NO, I... I'LL JUST DRINK IT PLAIN. RORY! RORY, FORGET IT.

NO NO NO, DAD. RORY, GO AHEAD AND GET THEM.

- IT'S GONNA BE... - NO, I'LL DRINK IT PLAIN.

- Cate: IT'S OKAY. - OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I WILL GET IT.

SO I REMEMBER HE WAS LOOKING FOR HIS KEYS

AND I WAS LOOKING FOR MY BACKPACK.

THEN I REMEMBERED I LEFT IT UPSTAIRS,

WHICH IS REALLY WEIRD, 'CAUSE I NEVER DO THAT.

BUT YOU WERE DOWNSTAIRS. DID HE SAY ANYTHING?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, BEFORE HE LEFT. I MEAN, YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM.

WHAT WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- I DON'T KNOW. - HOW COULD YOU NOT REMEMBER?

KERRY, STOP! WOULD YOU JUST STOP IT?

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY, I'M JUST...

TRYING TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT.

I'M SORRY.

GOD, THIS IS SO MESSED UP.

HE WAS A GREAT MAN.

- OH, YES, HE WAS. - I REALLY LOVED HIM.

OH... HE... HE LOVED YOU TOO, FRED.

UM, FRED, THERE'S MY MOM.

I... I REALLY HAVE TO GO AND CHECK ON MY MOM.

- HEY. - Girls: HEY.

THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SERVICE.

NICE CASKET.

MAHOGANY, RIGHT? 'CAUSE I LOVE MAHOGANY.

REMINDS ME OF A PUB I USED TO GO TO.

HUGE MAHOGANY BAR.

COME TO THINK OF IT, THEY USED TO CARRY ME OUT OF THERE TOO.

LOOK, I LOVED YOUR DAD. HE WAS A BETTER MAN THAN ME.

AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING...

"WHO ISN'T?"

AND YOU'RE RIGHT.

HE WAS THE FINEST PERSON I EVER MET.

WHY THE HELL COULDN'T I OPEN WITH THAT?

- OH, NO, NOT AGAIN. - WHAT?

- OH, GOD. - HE WAS A... HE WAS A...

- A... - A GREAT MAN.

- YEAH, HE WAS. - YES.

YOU KNOW, CATIE, I GOT THIS, UH...

FANTASY DINNER FOR THE PEOPLE I'M GONNA DINE WITH

MY FIRST NIGHT IN HEAVEN.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

YEAH, YOU SEE, MY PARENTS ARE ONE AND TWO.

AND THERE'S JESUS, BUT HE'S AS MUCH

A POLITICAL CHOICE AS ANY IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.

AND THERE'S JOE DiMAGGIO AND MOTHER TERESA,

BUT, UH... YOU KNOW, SINCE PAUL'S PASSING,

MOTHER TERESA'S GETTING THE BOOT.

- OH, FRED, THANK YOU. - YEAH.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN HEAVEN?

GOD HEAVEN? OR SITTING-HERE-ON- THE-COUCH-WITH-YOU HEAVEN?

WOW, THAT WAS REALLY SWEET...

- COMING FROM YOU. - EITHER WAY...

GOD HEAVEN OR SITTING-HERE- WITH-YOU HEAVEN...

PAPA H IS HERE.

THAT WAS SWEET TOO.

KYLE, THANK YOU.

I SWEAR, SOMETIMES, I CAN FEEL HIM HERE TOO.

WHY'D YOU MOVE AWAY?

WELL, IF HE IS HERE, I DON'T WANT HIM

TO GO ALL POLTERGEIST ON ME LATER.

AND THE STREAK STOPS AT TWO.

HEY.

HAVE YOU EATEN ANYTHING?

NO. YOU?

NO.

NOT IN THE MOOD FOR GOOKY RED AND YELLOW STUFF.

OH, MAN, NOW YOU GOT ME HUNGRY.

HEY.

YOU OKAY? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAND?

NOTHING. I, UH...

BURNED IT ON A CASSEROLE DISH.

THANKS FOR THE HUG, ROR.

AND TO THINK, THREE DAYS AGO

THIS WOULD'VE BEEN CONSIDERED A CHOKE HOLD.

HE WAS JUST, UH...

WELL, JUST A GREAT GREAT GUY,

AND ONE OF THOSE WRITERS WHOSE COLUMNS

ALWAYS MADE ME LAUGH.

INTENTIONALLY OR... UNINTENTIONALLY.

HE WAS ONE OF THE BEST.

HE HAD THIS FUNNY NICKNAME FOR ME.

OH, YES. RIGHT.

UM... "NICK-NOT-SO-SHARPE."

NO, IT WASN'T THAT.

ANYWAY, EVERYONE DOWN AT THE PAPER

HAD IMMENSE RESPECT FOR PAUL AND HIS WORK.

WAS HOPING TO ONE DAY MOVE HIM BACK TO SPORTS

- AND FIRE TOMMY. - HEY, BOSS.

HEY, BUDDY.

ANYWAY, WE'D LIKE TO DO A SPECIAL SUPPLEMENT

OF SOME OF PAUL'S BEST COLUMNS WORKING UP TO HIS LAST.

OH, NICK, HE WOULD'VE LOVED THAT.

THE PROBLEM IS WE DON'T HAVE HIS LAST COLUMN.

HE WORKED OUT OF THE HOUSE, SO...

OH, WELL, IT MUST BE HERE.

I'M...

I, UM... I WILL...

- WHEN YOU GET THE CHANCE, IF YOU... - YEAH.

I...

NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE FOR YOU TO E-MAIL US THE COLUMN.

WHEN YOU'RE READY.

I THINK IT'D BE A FITTING TRIBUTE.

- OKAY. - THANKS, CATE.

THANKS, NICK.

- OKAY. - I HAVE FOUR DAUGHTERS. UM...

I COULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WORK AT HOME.

- OH. - PAUL SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW HE DID IT,

HE JUST KNEW WHY.

HE LOVED BEING WITH HIS FAMILY.

THANKS FOR SAYING THAT, NICK.

YEAH.

IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING... OKAY. OKAY.

HEY, BRIDGET.

I'M SO SORRY.

THANKS.

YOU KNOW, DEEP DOWN

I ALWAYS REALLY LIKED YOU.

DEEP DOWN I LIKED YOU TOO.

WOW, WHO KNEW THEY EVEN HAD A "DEEP DOWN"?

YOU KNOW... YOUR DAD WAS... SO COOL.

YOU GUYS WERE SO CLOSE.

I WAS SO JEALOUS.

YOU HAD THE BEST RELATIONSHIP.

REALLY?

THEN HOW COME THE LAST THING I SAID TO HIM WAS "I HATE YOU"?

THERE.

OH, I TALKED TO THAT NICE FATHER FITZPATRICK TODAY.

MOM, I ASKED YOU NOT TO.

WELL, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? HE CALLED.

HE ASKED HOW YOU WERE DOING. I SAID "NOT SO GOOD." THAT'S ALL.

- HE CALLED? - YEAH.

WELL, ACTUALLY, HE WAS RETURNING MY CALL, BUT...

I THOUGHT FATHER FITZPATRICK COULD EXPLAIN...

OH, REALLY?

AN EXPLANATION. GREAT.

AND THAT'LL JUST MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY.

CATIE, HONEY, I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH THE INSURANCE PAPERWORK,

I CAN'T FIND THAT SECOND POLICY.

YOU SAID THERE WERE TWO, RIGHT?

WELL, I HAVE TO FIND IT, DAD.

YEAH, WELL, HERE'S THE RUB.

I TALKED TO MY FRIEND STUART IN MIAMI.

- INSURANCE IS WHAT HE USED TO DO FOR A LIVING. - TOMORROW, JIM, OKAY?

I THINK YOUR DAUGHTER HAS ENOUGH TO DO FOR ONE DAY.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

OH, I DID TALK TO PAUL'S BOSS... GREAT GUY.

AND HE WANTED ME TO REMIND YOU

TO FIND PAUL'S LAST COLUMN.

WELL, DAD, I'M JUST NOT READY

TO GO THROUGH HIS DESK.

OH, WELL... WELL, HEY, LET ME DO IT.

YOU KNOW, I JUST TOOK A COMPUTER COURSE

AT THE SENIOR CITIZEN'S REC CENTER.

- I DON'T WANT TO TOOT MY OWN HORN, BUT... - JIM, CAN'T YOU SEE

- THIS IS NOT THE TIME? - YEAH, I'M SORRY.

I KNOW THAT PROFESSIONAL OBLIGATIONS

AREN'T NEARLY AS IMPORTANT AS FREEZING LEFTOVER CRAP.

- MOM, DAD... - I WILL TELL YOU WHAT'S IMPORTANT.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS FOR CATE TO HEAL

- AND WITH GOD'S... - HERE COMES THE HOLY ROLLER.

I AM SORRY THAT I SPEND MY SUNDAYS IN CHURCH

WHILE YOU SPEND YOURS SALTWATER FISHING.

WELL, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

SOMETIMES I PLAY GOLF.

DO YOU GUYS EVEN HEAR YOURSELVES?

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

OH, JIM, WE'RE NOT HELPING HER AT ALL.

OH, I KNOW.

I'M SORRY.

OH, SO YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG?

YOU KNOW, THE LAST TIME

WE WERE IN HERE TOGETHER,

HE ACCUSED ME OF HIDING HIS SOCKS.

NO KISSING.

NO SWEET TALK.

NO LOVEMAKING.

JUST "WHERE'D YOU HIDE MY SOCKS, CATE?"

THAT'S A LOVELY PICTURE.

MM. YOU BOTH LOOK SO WONDERFUL.

NO WONDER I HAVE SUCH BEAUTIFUL GRANDCHILDREN.

THERE'S A LOT OF PAUL IN ALL OF THEM.

THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN, MOM,

NOT NOW.

WHEN WE WERE OLD AND GRAY

AND LIVING SOMEPLACE WARM.

SOMEPLACE WHERE YOU EAT DINNER AT 4:30 IN THE AFTERNOON,

AND DRIVE ALL THE WAY HOME

WITH YOUR LEFT DIRECTIONAL ON.

NOT NOW, NOT AT 46.

WELL, IT'S ALL PART OF GOD'S PLAN.

I SWEAR TO GOD, I SWEAR...

IF PEOPLE DON'T STOP SAYING THAT TO ME,

I'M GONNA SCREAM.

GOD'S PLAN? WHAT ABOUT MY PLAN?

WHAT ABOUT OUR PLANS?

THIS PICTURE WAS A PROMISE.

AND NOW THAT PROMISE IS BROKEN.

WHAT'S GOD'S PLAN FOR MY KIDS?

FOR ME?

IT'S JUST SO UNFAIR.

HONEY, NOBODY SAID LIFE WAS FAIR.

GOD, I KNOW THAT.

I KNOW THAT LIFE ISN'T FAIR, BUT NOBODY TOLD ME IT WAS GONNA BE THIS CRUEL.

MOM?

OH... HI, BABY. HI.

- ARE YOU OKAY? - YEAH.

YEAH.

YOU?

YOU JUST GO GET SOME SLEEP.

I CAN'T SLEEP.

AND GRAMP SAYS THE TOILET DOWNSTAIRS WON'T STOP RUNNING.

SO I'M GONNA HELP HIM FIX IT,

LET HIM TELL ME ABOUT THE TIME HE MET TED WILLIAMS IN KOREA.

AGAIN.

- THAT'S REALLY NICE, HONEY. - 'NIGHT.

IF YOU NEED ANYMORE BLANKETS, MOM, THEY'RE IN THE CUPBOARD.

YOU KNOW, HONEY, I...

I... I REALLY DON'T FEEL RIGHT ABOUT SLEEPING IN YOUR BED.

YOU REALLY SHOULD SLEEP HERE.

I CAN'T, MOM.

I CAN'T EVEN BE IN THIS ROOM.

I DON'T THINK I CAN EVER COME IN THIS ROOM AGAIN.

I'LL TELL YA IT WAS A DAY I'LL NEVER FORGET.

YEAH, JUST ME AND THE SPLENDID SPLINTER.

I DROVE HIM AROUND THE ENTIRE BASE.

WOW.

HAND ME THOSE PLIERS, SON.

HEY...

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MITT THERE? DID YOU PUNCH SOMETHING?

NO, I... BURNED IT ON A CASSEROLE DISH.

OKAY.

DID YOU KNOW THE BATHROOM IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ROOM IN THE HOUSE?

IT IS.

IT'S THE ONLY PLACE A MAN CAN FIND COMPLETE SOLITUDE.

WHAT ABOUT WOMEN?

WOMEN.

WOMEN JUST DON'T GET IT.

YOU KNOW, THEY GO IN AND THEY DO THEIR... WELL...

YOU KNOW, BATHROOM STUFF,

BUT US MEN, IT'S OUR SANCTUARY.

BUT WOMEN, THEY'RE MORE COMMUNAL.

THEY GO TO THE BATHROOM TOGETHER.

YOU BELIEVE THAT? TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW, US MEN, WE'RE SOLITARY BEASTS.

YEAH, WE LIKE OUR ALONE TIME.

WE SURE AS HECK WOULDN'T PICK THIS WALLPAPER.

ACTUALLY...

THIS KIND OF WAS MY DAD'S REAL OFFICE.

IF HE HAD A DEADLINE, HE'D BE IN HERE FOR HOURS.

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE MOM WOULD KNOCK ON THE DOOR

TO MAKE SURE HE DIDN'T FALL IN.

HA, YOU SEE? YOUR DAD GOT IT.

YEAH, IT USED TO BE...

A MAN'S HOME WAS HIS CASTLE.

SLOWLY, WOMEN JUST TOOK IT AWAY

AND TOOK IT AWAY TILL WE'RE DOWN TO THIS ONE LITTLE ROOM.

WELL, IT'S ALL YOURS NOW.

YEAH?

YEAH, CERTAINLY. IT STANDS TO REASON.

I'M KINDA MAD AT HIM, GRAMPS.

AW, I KNOW, I KNOW, RORY.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S A WHOLE LOT TO TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF.

HAND ME THOSE NEEDLE-NOSED PLIERS.

HEY, GUYS.

OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.

UM, CAN I JUST CHANGE IN HERE?

MOM, FRED DOYLE IS PLANNING ON HAVING DINNER

WITH DAD AND JESUS IN HEAVEN?

COME ON, IT'S A NICE THOUGHT.

YEAH, BUT DAD SPENT THREE YEARS

AVOIDING THE DOYLE" FAMILY BARBECUE.

HOW'S HE GONNA GET OUT OF THAT ONE?

I MEAN, DAD'S A TERRIBLE LIAR

AND JESUS IS GONNA BE SITTING LIKE RIGHT THERE.

YEAH. AND FRED GOING ON ABOUT THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN

ELECTRIC- AND GAS-POWERED WEED WHACKERS.

LIKE JESUS ISN'T GONNA WANT TO BACK OUT OF THAT DINNER.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU GUYS.

I CAN'T IMAGINE GOING THROUGH A DAY LIKE THIS

WITHOUT YOU KIDS.

MAYBE IF DAD HAD LOOKED IN THE DRAWER AND SAW THE BATTERIES,

HE WOULDN'T HAVE GONE TO THE STORE AND THEN...

KERRY...

KERR-BEAR...

DON'T DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY GOING OVER AND OVER EVERYTHING.

NO ONE CAN CONTROL WHAT HAPPENED.

GOD, MOM, YOU ARE SO STRONG.

OH, NO.

TRUST ME. I FALL APART WHEN NOBODY'S LOOKING.

THE LAST WORDS I SAID TO DAD WAS "I HATE YOU."

OH, HONEY.

HE WOULDN'T LET ME BORROW HIS STUPID CAR AND I SAID "I HATE YOU."

I HAD MY DAD AND THE LAST WORDS

I EVER SAID TO HIM WERE "I HATE YOU."

OH, BABY.

I THINK THOSE WERE THE FIRST WORDS YOU SAID TO HIM ALSO.

IT'S OKAY.

HEY KNEW HOW MUCH YOU LOVED HIM, NO QUESTION.

MY LAST WORDS WERE AN INSULT TOO.

HE WAS WEARING HIS MICHIGAN SWEATSHIRT WITH CHINOS.

AND I SAID THERE WEREN'T ENOUGH QUEER EYES

IN ALL OF SAN FRANCISCO TO HELP HIM.

WELL, I SENT HIM TO THE STORE FOR MILK...

SO THE LAST THING HE HEARD OUT OF ME WAS "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."

YOU KNOW WHAT HIS LAST WORDS TO ME WERE?

- WHAT? - "HASTA LA VISTA, BABY."

SUCH A CORNBALL.

GOD, YOU KNOW, HE... HE WOULD SAY ANYTHING.

HE DIDN'T CARE HOW SILLY HE WAS.

JUST WANTED TO MAKE US LAUGH.

I AM REALLY GONNA MISS THAT.

SO...

I GUESS SOMEBODY'S GONNA HAVE TO TAKE UP

THE CORNBALL SLACK AROUND HERE.

I VOTE RORY.

KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA MISS ABOUT DAD?

THOSE BOGUS PANCAKES HE USED TO MAKE.

GOD, IT WAS LIKE EATING TUPPERWARE COVERS.

THEY WERE SO AWFUL.

PANCAKE MIX AND WATER. HOW DO YOU MESS THAT UP?

WELL, IF THEY WERE SO TERRIBLE, WHY'D YOU EAT THEM?

SAME REASON YOU DID.

MADE HIM HAPPY.

YOU HEAR THAT, DAD? OUR SECRET'S OUT.

I NEVER ATE THE PANCAKES.

COME HERE, HONEYS. COME HERE.

Cate: OH, I LOVE YOU.

Girls: I LOVE YOU.

- GRAMPS? - YEAH.

WHAT WAS YOUR DAD LIKE?

UH, MY DAD, WELL, YOUR GREAT GRANDDAD WAS A BUSINESSMAN.

HE OWNED A HABERDASHERY.

- HABA... WHAT? - A MEN'S STORE.

HE SOLD SUITS AND HATS.

- BASEBALL HATS? - NO.

NO, NOT BASEBALL HATS.

BOWLERS, FEDORAS, DERBIES,

YOU KNOW, BEAUTIFUL HATS, THAT YOU TIPPED AT YOUNG LADIES.

AND WORE OVER YOUR HEART

WHEN THEY PLAYED THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

YEAH, HATS WERE THE CORNERSTONE OF CIVILIZATION.

ONLY SAVAGES DIDN'T WEAR HATS.

WERE YOU CLOSE WITH YOUR DAD?

IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME.

MY DAD WASN'T ALWAYS A... A HAPPY MAN.

HE SAID IT WAS BECAUSE OF HIS JOB...

IT DIDN'T FIT.

A MAN'S JOB HAS TO FIT HIS SPIRIT.

NOW YOUR DAD'S JOB WAS A PERFECT FIT FOR HIS SPIRIT.

I DON'T KNOW.

HE WAS ALWAYS SO MAD WHEN HE WAS WRITING.

RORY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DO NOW?

GRAM SAYS EAT, SLEEP AND DRINK.

- AND DRIVE WITHOUT YOUR GLASSES. - YOU GOTTA LOVE HER.

RORY, I BUILD BIRDHOUSES.

AND WHILE I'M BUILDING THEM,

I'M BANGING MY KNUCKLES AND CUTTING MY HANDS

AND CUSSING AND THROWING THINGS.

THEN ABOUT A MONTH LATER,

SOME BEAUTIFUL, FINCH OR WAXWING MOVES IN

AND I DON'T GIVE A SECOND THOUGHT TO ALL THE CUTS AND SCRAPES.

THAT WAS MY PROCESS.

THE SAME WITH YOUR DAD, IT'S WHAT HE HAD TO DO TO GET TO THE GOOD STUFF.

YOU KNOW, BANG HIS KNUCKLES AND WHATNOT.

IT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW.

I'M NOT FOLLOWING YOU.

WELL, YOU'RE UPSET WITH YOUR DAD FOR DYING.

AND IT'S OKAY TO SLAM A DOOR

OR, YOU KNOW, CRY, GET ANGRY...

BURN YOUR HAND ON A CASSEROLE.

IT'S YOUR PROCESS.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PLASTERING?

WELL, I KNOW A LITTLE. WHY?

YEAH, I THINK WE CAN HANDLE THAT.

RORY, DID YOUR DAD EVER TELL YOU THAT HE LOVED YOU?

YEAH, TONS.

- DID YOU TELL HIM? - YEAH, ALL THE TIME.

THE CLOSEST MY DAD AND I EVER CAME

WAS WHEN I RETURNED FROM KOREA,

YOU KNOW, WHEN I MET TED WILLIAMS.

HE SAID HE MISSED ME.

WHAT'D YOU SAY?

I SAID I MISSED HIM TOO.

AND THEN WE SHOOK HANDS FROM ABOUT THREE FEET AWAY.

I THINK WE BOTH FELT THE SAME WAY...

ABOUT THE LOVE STUFF.

BUT IT SURE WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE IF ONE OF US

JUST SAID IT OUT LOUD.

- GRAMPS? - YEAH?

HOW ARE YOU WITH BROKEN LAMPS?

NO.

YOUR FATHER NEVER MISSED A DEADLINE IN HIS LIFE.

OKAY, IT'S GONNA BE REALLY HARD.

LET'S JUST, UH... LET'S GO IN THERE

FIND YOUR DAD'S COLUMN AND GET OUT.

COME ON.

OH MY GOD, I DREW THIS.

IT'S MY GIRAFFE. DAD KEPT IT.

OH, HONEY, HE KEPT ALL YOUR ARTWORK.

YOU KNOW, I THINK "GIRAFFE" IS SPELLED WRONG.

I WAS THREE. AND BY THE WAY, IT IS SPELLED RIGHT.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE HE KEPT THIS. - WHAT IS IT?

IT WAS FROM WHEN WE WERE IN INDIAN CHIEFS TOGETHER

- 10 YEARS AGO. - WELL, OF COURSE HE KEPT IT.

I DIDN'T MAKE IT, HE DID.

WHAT IS IT? IS IT AN ASHTRAY?

I THINK IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A PENCIL HOLDER.

WOW.

BRIDGET'S REPORT CARD FROM THE THIRD GRADE.

- YOU CAN TELL BY ALL THE Cs. - WAIT, LET ME SEE.

OH, MY GOSH, IT SO IS.

AND THEY'RE C-PLUSES.

LOOK, MY FIRST B.

I CAN'T BELIEVE DAD DIDN'T THROW THIS OUT.

MAYBE HE WANTED TO KEEP SOMETHING FROM WHEN YOU WERE AT YOUR ACADEMIC PEAK.

SHUT UP.

OH MY GOD, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

THAT IDIOT.

WHAT IS IT?

THESE ARE ALL THESE PICTURES THAT I MADE HIM THROW OUT

BECAUSE I LOOKED BAD.

HE KEPT 'EM.

OH.

HE EVEN TOOK THIS ONE OUT OF THE TRASH

AND TAPED IT TOGETHER.

ARE YOU GUYS WEARING SOMBREROS?

- JUST LIKE THE DONKEY. - DON'T LOOK.

WHAT ARE THE LETTERS?

OH.

AS IF THESE PICTURES WEREN'T BAD ENOUGH,

HE... HE ACTUALLY KEPT ALL THE SILLY LITTLE LOVE NOTES

THAT WE WROTE WHEN WE WERE DATING.

- WELL, READ ONE. - OH, NO. UH-UH.

All: COME ON! COME ON, MOM!

- Kerry: READ US ONE. - Bridget: JUST READ IT.

OKAY.

THIS IS FROM ST. PATRICK'S DAY.

"I WOULD DRINK GREEN BEERS WITH YOU.

I WOULD DRINK THEM IF I HAD THE FLU.

I WOULD DRINK THEM FROM A TRUCK

OR IF THEY WERE GOLD AND COST A BUCK.

I WOULD CALL YOU AND TELL YOU THIS RHYME

BUT GARY THE BARTENDER SAID IT WAS TIME

FOR ME TO LEAVE BECAUSE I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

HERE COME THE BOUNCERS.

I LOVE YOU. BYE."

TO THINK FROM THAT HE MADE A CAREER.

TO THINK FROM THAT HE MADE MOM FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SAYING I DON'T BELIEVE.

I'M JUST SAYING IT'S AWFULLY HARD

TO FEEL CLOSE TO A GOD THAT WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

I JUST KEEP FEELING LIKE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE

HAS BEEN MADE.

SO I HOPE YOU DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL.

BE PATIENT.

DON'T LEAVE NOW.

I JUST ALREADY FEEL SO DAMN ALONE.

AND I'M NOT SORRY I SAID DAMN.

WELL, IT'S ALL CLEANED UP DOWNSTAIRS.

- WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? - NOBODY.

OH, I THOUGHT I HEARD...

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

SO YOU'RE GONNA SLEEP HERE TONIGHT, HUH?

THAT'S A BIG MOVE FOR YOU.

WELL, I... I KEEP PUTTING OFF

MY FIRST NIGHT IN HERE ALONE.

I CAN'T DO IT FOREVER.

IT'S SO WEIRD.

IT ALWAYS FELT SO SMALL IN HERE

WITH BOTH OF US BANGING AROUND IN THE MORNING.

NOW IT JUST FEELS SO BIG.

WELL, WHY DON'T I JUST SIT HERE

AT THE END OF THE BED UNTIL YOU FALL ASLEEP

LIKE I USED TO DO WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?

HMM? I WON'T SAY A WORD.

I'LL JUST... I'LL JUST SIT THERE.

NO, IT... IT'S OKAY, MOM.

IT'S OKAY.

I LOVE YOU, MOM.

I LOVE YOU, CATE.

SO I'LL, YOU KNOW, JUST SLEEP ON THE COUCH.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW, DON'T... DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'LL BE FINE.

- OH, HI, DAD. - I... I WAS JUST CHANGING A BULB

IN THE HALL IT WAS OUT.

UNLESS YOU WANT IT COMPLETELY DARK.

OH, NO. NO, THANKS.

- THANK YOU. - DAMN NEAR KILLED MYSELF.

DO YOU WANT TO COME IN?

YEAH, SURE.

WELL, COME ON.

JUST SIT DOWN.

DAD, WHAT?

WELL, I...

I THINK I FOUND PAUL'S LAST ARTICLE.

OH, YOU DID?

YEAH, AND YOU ALL LAUGHED AT ME

WHEN I SAID I TOOK A COMPUTER COURSE

AT THE REC CENTER.

I DON'T WANT TO TOOT MY OWN HORN, BUT...

DAD, THE ARTICLE.

OH, YEAH, WELL...

I FOUND IT IN THE RECYCLING BIN.

I DON'T THINK HE THOUGHT IT WAS VERY GOOD.

WE SPENT FIVE HOURS AT THAT DESK.

WELL, IT'S KIND OF LIKE CLEANING OUT AN ATTIC.

IF YOU JUST DID THE WORK, YOU'D BE OUT IN 30 MINUTES.

IT'S... IT'S THE MEMORIES THAT SLOW YOU DOWN.

OH, DAD, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?

WE... WE DON'T DESERVE THIS.

THAT'S 'CAUSE WE LIVE UNDER THE IMPRESSION

THAT WE GET WHAT WE DESERVE.

IF I'D GOT WHAT I DESERVED,

I'D NEVER HAVE YOU AND YOUR SISTER IN MY LIFE.

- OH, DAD. - NO, SERIOUSLY,

WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO DESERVE TWO SUCH ANGELS

OR RORY OR KERRY OR BRIDGET?

AND FOR PART OF MY LIFE, YOUR MOTHER?

YEAH, WE'VE JUST GOTTA BE THANKFUL

FOR THE TIME WE HAVE LEFT WITH PEOPLE.

AND ALWAYS LET THEM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'S BEEN GOING TO CHURCH.

DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER. IT'S OUR LITTLE SECRET.

I LOVE YOU, CATE.

I'M JUST SORRY I DON'T SAY IT ENOUGH.

OH, AND YET I KNOW IT.

'NIGHT.

'NIGHT, DAD.

OH, PAUL...

GOD FORBID YOU SHOULD MOVE SOMETHING AND LOOK.

- MOM? - OH, HI, BEACH.

- YOU OKAY? - YEAH.

NO, NOT REALLY.

- CAN I SLEEP WITH YOU? - OH, COME ON.

COME HERE.

OH, COME ON.

COME ON.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING, YOU GUYS.

- WHAT IS IT? - IT'S DAD'S LAST ARTICLE.

GRANDPA FOUND IT.

- OH MY GOD, MOM, READ IT. - YEAH, READ IT.

YEAH, OKAY. I... WELL, I'M GOING TO.

IT DOESN'T HAVE A TITLE OR ANYTHING,

SO... SO, I'LL JUST START.

"OKAY, READERS.

TODAY, WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE POP QUIZ.

IT'S MULTIPLE CHOICE.

SO SHARPEN YOUR NUMBER-TWO PENCILS

AND PUT ON YOUR THINKING CAPS.

READY? HERE'S A QUOTE.

'DAD, YOU'RE AN IDIOT.'

NOW, CONTESTANTS, THIS WAS SAID TO ME

BECAUSE OF WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING TRANSGRESSIONS?

COMING TO THE BREAKFAST TABLE

WEARING PAJAMAS AND BLACK SOCKS,

ASKING MY OLDEST DAUGHTER

IF THAT GUY I SAW HER TALKING TO AT SCHOOL YESTERDAY

WAS HER BOYFRIEND,

REFERRING TO RAPPER '50CENT' AS '50 CENTS, '

ENTERING THE ROOM?

OKAY, PENCILS DOWN.

ACTUALLY, IT WAS A TRICK QUESTION.

THE ANSWER IS ALL OF THE ABOVE.

NOW DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES

I CALLED MY FATHER AN IDIOT?

ZERO. WHY?

BECAUSE I FEARED HIM.

BACK THEN, WE DIDN'T SHARE OUR DEEP, PERSONAL FEELINGS.

OUR DEEPEST CONVERSATIONS USUALLY REVOLVED

AROUND THE TIGERS' BULLPEN.

BUT MY KIDS? I CAN'T GET THEM TO SHUT UP.

THERE'S NOT A FEELING THAT MY KIDS ARE AFRAID TO EXPRESS

OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

AND MY WIFE REASSURES ME THIS IS A GOOD THING

OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

AND SHE'S ALWAYS RIGHT.

SO DO I WISH THAT MY KIDS FEARED ME?

WELL, MY HOUSE WOULD BE QUIETER.

AND I'D SPEND A LOT LESS TIME IN THE BATHROOM,

BUT NO.

BECAUSE I KNOW THAT WHENEVER THEY INSULT ME...

WHETHER IT'S A 'YOU'RE AN IDIOT"

'WHAT A GEEK, '

OR AN 'I HATE YOU"

AN 'I LOVE YOU' ISN'T FAR BEHIND.

AND IT'S THE KNOWLEDGE THAT MY WIFE AND KIDS LOVE ME

THAT MAKES IT SAFE FOR ME

TO WEAR PAJAMAS AND BLACK SOCKS TO THE BREAKFAST TABLE."

OH MY GOD.

DAD, THANK YOU.

THAT'S ALL HE WROTE.

THAT WAS ENOUGH.

YEAH.

NOW I WISH WE INSULTED HIM MORE.

OKAY, GUYS. IT'S BEDTIME.

ALL RIGHT, MOVE OVER.

Kerry: RORY, MOVE OVER.

Rory: I'M OVER AS FAR AS I CAN GET.

Bridget: RORY, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CUT YOUR TOENAILS?

Rory: PROBABLY THE LAST TIME YOU SHAVED YOUR LEGS.

Bridget: MOM, YOU'RE LAUGHING. WHY?

Cate: OH, GOD ONLY KNOWS.