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1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:03,563
LOOK AT ALL THE MAKEUP
BRIDGET BOUGHT. CAN YOU BELIEVE...
2
00:00:03,587 --> 00:00:06,550
LOOK, $14 FOR WHATEVER THIS IS.
3
00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:08,702
EYELASH CURLER.
4
00:00:08,726 --> 00:00:11,154
AND THANK HEAVENS
SHE GOT MORE LIP JUNK.
5
00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:13,573
LIP GLOSS.
6
00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:17,182
RORY, THERE'S A BALLGAME
ON CHANNEL 7. WATCH IT.
7
00:00:18,936 --> 00:00:21,031
- HEY, GUYS.
- HEY, CARE BEAR,
LOOK AT THIS.
8
00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:23,032
NOT NOW, DAD. I HAVE TO GET
READY FOR MY DATE WITH KYLE.
9
00:00:23,056 --> 00:00:24,884
WAIT, THAT'S YOUR STUFF?
10
00:00:24,908 --> 00:00:27,320
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALREADY SO
LATE. I HAVE TO STRAIGHTEN MY HAIR,
11
00:00:27,344 --> 00:00:29,806
CRIMP MY EYELASHES, CREATE
CHEEKBONES OUT OF PRACTICALLY NOTHING,
12
00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:35,244
WHICH IS TOTALLY YOUR
FAULT... FLAT FACED.
13
00:00:35,268 --> 00:00:37,830
FLAT... FLAT FAC... I DO
NOT HAVE A FLAT FACE.
14
00:00:37,854 --> 00:00:39,371
COME ON.
15
00:00:44,661 --> 00:00:46,440
WELL, ANYONE LOOKS
FLAT IN A TOASTER.
16
00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:48,859
LOOK, KERRY, I'VE GOT
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
17
00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:51,678
IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, EVER
SINCE YOU STARTED DATING KYLE,
18
00:00:51,702 --> 00:00:54,314
YOU'VE CHANGED. YOU'RE
DIFFERENT. YOU'RE MORE...
19
00:00:54,338 --> 00:00:55,532
MORE BRIDGET-Y.
20
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:59,018
RORY! YOU'RE MORE BRIDGET-ESQUE.
21
00:00:59,042 --> 00:01:02,689
HOW COULD YOU
COMPARE ME TO BRIDGET?
22
00:01:02,713 --> 00:01:06,075
WHERE'S MY NEW SPARKLE LIP GLOSS? I
KNOW I BOUGHT NEW SPARKLE LIP GLOSS.
23
00:01:06,099 --> 00:01:07,878
OH MY GOD! WHERE'S MY
NEW SPARKLE LIP GLOSS?
24
00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:09,968
- IS THIS IT?
- HE TOUCHED IT ALL OVER.
25
00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:15,218
I MISS THE OLD KERRY.
26
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:17,621
THE DEPRESSED ONE
WITHOUT A BOYFRIEND?
27
00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:19,956
YEAH.
28
00:01:19,980 --> 00:01:22,092
(sighs)
29
00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:24,511
WHY DO BAD THINGS
ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?
30
00:01:24,535 --> 00:01:27,130
BRIDGET, NOTHING BAD
EVER HAPPENS TO YOU.
31
00:01:27,154 --> 00:01:29,683
OH, YEAH.
32
00:01:29,707 --> 00:01:33,303
BUT TODAY I HEARD MOM IS
GONNA TEACH SEX ED IN MY CLASS.
33
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:35,071
- IT'S TRUE.
- DAD,
34
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,123
WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN
TO SUPERFICIAL PEOPLE?
35
00:01:37,147 --> 00:01:38,908
- RORY!
- WAIT.
36
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:41,811
RORY, I DON'T KNOW, BUT I KNOW WHY
BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO SMART ALECKS.
37
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:43,396
SMART ALECK?
38
00:01:43,420 --> 00:01:46,132
YOU KNOW, WORDS HURT, DAD.
39
00:01:46,156 --> 00:01:47,872
FLAT FACE.
40
00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:51,838
SO WHAT, YOU'RE
TEACHING SEX EDUCATION?
41
00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,790
YEAH, THE SCHOOL
NEEDED A NURSE TO FILL IN
42
00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:57,477
BECAUSE MISS
CALLAHAN GOT THE FLU.
43
00:01:57,501 --> 00:01:59,567
REALLY? I HEARD
SHE GOT KNOCKED UP.
44
00:02:01,071 --> 00:02:03,066
SO YOU JUST SAY YES
45
00:02:03,090 --> 00:02:06,168
WITHOUT EVEN TOTALLY CONSIDERING
HOW IT CAN COMPLETELY RUIN MY LIFE?
46
00:02:06,192 --> 00:02:07,520
BRIDGET, I THINK IT'S AN HONOR
47
00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:09,673
YOUR MOTHER IS GOING TO
TEACH YOU SEXUAL EDUCATION.
48
00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:11,813
AFTER ALL, SHE TAUGHT ME.
49
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:14,895
- EW!
- EW!
50
00:02:14,919 --> 00:02:17,263
(growls)
51
00:02:17,287 --> 00:02:19,649
DO YOU GUYS NOT UNDERSTAND
WHAT SITUATION I'M IN HERE?
52
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:22,702
- DONNY DOYLE'S COMING IN
THIS WEEKEND TO SEE ME.
- SO?
53
00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:24,720
SO PEOPLE ALREADY PERCEIVE MY
DATING DONNY AS A SLAP IN THE FACE,
54
00:02:24,744 --> 00:02:26,889
EVEN THOUGH HE'S OLDER. HE GOES TO
THE NAVAL ACADEMY INSTEAD OF A SCHOOL.
55
00:02:26,913 --> 00:02:29,192
DANIELLE'S GOING TO THIS PARTY THIS
WEEKEND. SHE'S ALL, "YOU BETTER BE THERE."
56
00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:31,661
I'M ALL, "UH, YEAH." BUT DONNY'S ALL,
"UH, NO. I DON'T WANNA SHARE YOU."
57
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,480
WHICH IS ACTUALLY VERY
SWEET WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
58
00:02:33,504 --> 00:02:35,231
BUT IT'S JUST THE SORT OF THING
DANIELLE'S GONNA USE AGAINST ME.
59
00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:37,216
AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO AND
EXACERBATE THE WHOLE THING
60
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,659
BY TEACHING SEX ED AT MY SCHOOL.
61
00:02:42,813 --> 00:02:45,446
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, SHE
DID SAY "EXACERBATE."
62
00:02:47,384 --> 00:02:50,696
HONEY, I THINK YOU'RE BLOWING
THIS WHOLE THING OUT OF PROPORTION.
63
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,715
YOU WANNA WEIGH IN HERE, PAUL?
64
00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:55,651
HUH?
65
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,604
(sighs)
66
00:02:57,628 --> 00:02:59,305
LOOK, IT'S JUST TWO CLASSES.
67
00:02:59,329 --> 00:03:01,558
AND I WILL TRY VERY HARD
NOT TO DRAW ATTENTION
68
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:03,643
TO THE FACT THAT I'M YOUR MOM.
69
00:03:03,667 --> 00:03:07,113
AND THAT'S HOW BRIDGET WAS BORN.
70
00:03:07,137 --> 00:03:09,270
(laughing)
71
00:03:17,814 --> 00:03:19,947
(theme music playing)
72
00:03:35,248 --> 00:03:36,826
OOH, THIS MOVIE SOUNDS GOOD.
73
00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:40,246
"HIGH-OCTANE BUTT KICKING
FROM START TO FINISH."
74
00:03:40,270 --> 00:03:43,650
WELL, FAR BE IT FROM ME TO
DISAGREE WITH JEFF PAISLEY
75
00:03:43,674 --> 00:03:45,835
FROM "THE SHREVEPORT
TOWN CRIER,"
76
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:47,837
BUT I REALLY WANTED TO SEE
77
00:03:47,861 --> 00:03:51,323
"L'AMOUR EST L'EAU DU COEUR."
78
00:03:51,347 --> 00:03:54,110
IT MEANS "LOVE IS THE
WATER OF THE HEART."
79
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:57,430
THAT DOESN'T SOUND
AS FULL OF HIGH OCTANE.
80
00:03:57,454 --> 00:03:59,132
COME ON, KYLE.
81
00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:02,552
IT'S MADE BY THIS REALLY AMAZING
AVANT-GARDE FRENCH DIRECTOR.
82
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,403
HE USES SILENCE IN A WAY THAT
83
00:04:04,427 --> 00:04:06,940
IT ALMOST BECOMES A CHARACTER.
84
00:04:06,964 --> 00:04:12,066
THIS GUY, HE USES HIS
BUTT CHEEKS TO TALK.
85
00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:15,298
WE CAN'T EVEN AGREE ON A MOVIE.
86
00:04:15,322 --> 00:04:17,550
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE WE
HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON.
87
00:04:17,574 --> 00:04:19,819
YEAH.
88
00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:21,671
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
89
00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:24,290
- WANNA MAKE OUT?
- SURE.
90
00:04:24,314 --> 00:04:26,976
WHOA HEY HO HO! LORD
OF THE MANOR PRESENT.
91
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,461
WE WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING.
92
00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:30,080
OH MY GOD, DAD,
DO YOU HAVE TO...
93
00:04:30,104 --> 00:04:31,498
WALK IN ON YOU AND
YOUR BOYFRIEND? YES.
94
00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:34,316
DO I HAVE TO CALL THAT
YOUR BOYFRIEND? YES.
95
00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:37,353
DO I HAVE TO TORTURE
YOU WITH A DANCE LIKE...
96
00:04:37,377 --> 00:04:39,338
INSTEAD OF LEAVING YOU ALONE?
97
00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:41,780
NO, BUT YOU DID
CALL ME A FLAT FACE.
98
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,061
- YOU STILL HERE?
- NO.
99
00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:46,846
THANK YOU.
100
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,064
CALL ME LATER.
101
00:04:49,088 --> 00:04:52,418
SO, CARE BEAR, I HEAR YOU'RE INTERESTED
IN SEEING THAT NEW FRENCH MOVIE.
102
00:04:52,442 --> 00:04:54,087
HOW LONG WERE
YOU STANDING THERE?
103
00:04:54,111 --> 00:04:55,604
DON'T WORRY. I HAD A CHAIR.
104
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:57,923
LISTEN, I WAS THINKING YOU
KNOW WHAT MIGHT BE FUN
105
00:04:57,947 --> 00:05:00,543
IS IF WE SORT OF SAW THAT
MOVIE TOGETHER TONIGHT...
106
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:02,862
SORT OF A FATHER-DAUGHTER
FOREIGN FILM NIGHT.
107
00:05:02,886 --> 00:05:04,397
I'D RATHER STAY HOME.
108
00:05:04,421 --> 00:05:06,265
OH, GOOD! HEY, KERRY, WE
CAN HAVE A FATHER-DAUGHTER
109
00:05:06,289 --> 00:05:08,384
STAY-AT-HOME DANCE NIGHT.
110
00:05:08,408 --> 00:05:10,837
YEAH!
111
00:05:10,861 --> 00:05:13,105
♪ GET YOUR GROOVE ON. ♪
112
00:05:13,129 --> 00:05:16,208
OKAY, WE'LL GO TO THE
MOVIE. JUST STOP DOING THAT.
113
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:19,128
WORKS EVERY TIME.
114
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,930
- Paul: HEY, CATE!
- HI, HONEY.
115
00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:23,299
KERRY AND I ARE GOING TO
SEE A FOREIGN FILM TONIGHT.
116
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:26,652
- OH, THAT'S SO NICE.
- Kerry: YOU KNOW WE'RE NOT
SITTING TOGETHER, RIGHT?
117
00:05:26,676 --> 00:05:29,538
I'M EXCITED TOO!
118
00:05:29,562 --> 00:05:31,941
HEY, MOM, I PARKED THE CAR.
119
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,977
IT'S ALL SNUG IN ITS
SPOT IN THE GARAGE,
120
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:36,462
JUST LIKE HOW DAD'S SPERM
SNUGLY PARKED ITSELF INTO YOUR EGG
121
00:05:36,486 --> 00:05:39,932
WHEN YOU DECIDED TO
HAVE SEX AND RUIN MY LIFE.
122
00:05:39,956 --> 00:05:43,152
I CAME UP WITH A LITTLE
CAR ANALOGY FOR THE CLASS.
123
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:45,722
CUTE, WHAT DO YOU
MEAN LITTLE CAR?
124
00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:48,140
IT WAS THE WORST
DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE.
125
00:05:48,164 --> 00:05:50,860
WORSE THAN THE TIME YOU WORE A
BLACK SKIRT AND A BLACK TOP TO SCHOOL
126
00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:53,246
AND YOU DIDN'T NOTICE THEY WERE
TWO DIFFERENT BLACKS TILL YOU GOT HOME
127
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,847
AND I SHOWED YOU?
128
00:05:54,871 --> 00:05:57,750
THAT'S IT, RORY. WE'RE
CANCELING BRAVO.
129
00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,502
YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T
EMBARRASS ME, MOM.
130
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,270
YOU SAID NO ONE WOULD
KNOW YOU WERE MY MOTHER.
131
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,773
I KNOW, HONEY. I WAS
TRYING SO HARD NOT TO.
132
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:05,742
IT JUST BLURTED OUT.
133
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:07,777
YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED
AT HOW I WAS CONCEIVED.
134
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,229
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
TELL THEM WHERE.
135
00:06:09,253 --> 00:06:12,816
YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE THE
BEACH. GOD, THIS IS SO UNFAIR.
136
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,400
DID SHE SAY PENIS?
137
00:06:14,424 --> 00:06:16,069
I'M NEVER SHOWING MY
FACE IN THAT SCHOOL AGAIN.
138
00:06:16,093 --> 00:06:18,087
- PENIS AND VAGINA?
- RORY!
139
00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:20,023
WE DON'T SAY THOSE WORDS.
140
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:22,497
- WHY NOT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
141
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,178
DID YOU HAVE A ROUGH DAY TODAY?
142
00:06:26,202 --> 00:06:27,680
NO, IT WASN'T THAT BAD,
143
00:06:27,704 --> 00:06:30,650
BUT I FOUND OUT TOMORROW I
HAVE TO TALK ABOUT CONTRACEPTION.
144
00:06:30,674 --> 00:06:34,187
AND THE ONLY THING THE SCHOOL
WILL LET ME DISCUSS IS ABSTINENCE.
145
00:06:34,211 --> 00:06:37,957
FINALLY, OUR TAX
DOLLARS PUT TO GOOD USE.
146
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:39,976
I DON'T KNOW. I JUST
THINK IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE
147
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,278
TO SAY THAT ABSTINENCE
IS THE ONLY OPTION.
148
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:44,280
I SEE TEENAGERS AT
THE HOSPITAL EVERY DAY
149
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:46,282
AND THEY'RE IN TROUBLE ALREADY.
150
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,284
THEY NEED TO KNOW
ABOUT SAFE SEX.
151
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:51,654
OR YOU COULD TEACH
THEM THAT SEX IS BAD,
152
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:54,918
THAT IF THEY HAVE IT, THEY'LL
GO BLIND OR GO TO HELL.
153
00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:57,616
YOU'RE THE TEACHER, YOU DECIDE.
154
00:07:00,370 --> 00:07:03,321
(actors speaking French)
155
00:07:21,558 --> 00:07:24,542
(actress moaning)
156
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:35,153
(moaning continuing)
157
00:07:54,358 --> 00:07:57,020
HI, GUYS, HOW WAS THE MOVIE?
158
00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:59,060
- FINE.
- FINE.
159
00:08:02,132 --> 00:08:03,459
DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?
160
00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,311
THERE WAS THIS SCENE. THIS...
161
00:08:05,335 --> 00:08:08,737
THIS SCENE WAS SO INCREDIBLY...
162
00:08:09,940 --> 00:08:12,057
EUROPEAN.
163
00:08:13,443 --> 00:08:16,689
- HOT SEX?
- RORY.
164
00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:19,153
- SORRY. DID I
CRACK YOUR CODE?
- RORY.
165
00:08:22,885 --> 00:08:25,815
- SO WHAT DID YOU DO?
- NOTHING.
166
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:28,701
- YOU DID NOTHING?
- YES, I DID NOTHING. WHAT ELSE COULD I DO?
167
00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:30,303
YOU COULD HAVE LEFT.
168
00:08:30,327 --> 00:08:33,239
OH, YEAH, I NEVER
THOUGHT OF THAT.
169
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:35,747
- I'LL GO TALK TO HER. IT'S OKAY.
- OH, GOD.
170
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:42,353
WOW, YOU SAW THE WATER
BOTTLE SCENE WITH KERRY?
171
00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:48,671
YOU KNOW ABOUT THE
WATER BOTTLE SCENE?
172
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,656
OH, YEAH, THE WATER
BOTTLE SCENE IS FAMOUS.
173
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:54,059
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE
DOWNLOADING IT OFF THE INTERNET.
174
00:08:54,083 --> 00:08:57,283
NOT ME, THOUGH, 'CAUSE I'M NOT OLD
ENOUGH TO SEE THAT KIND OF THING.
175
00:08:58,304 --> 00:09:00,583
AND IT'S ILLEGAL AND
IT OBJECTIFIES WOMEN,
176
00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:02,818
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
177
00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:04,821
WAIT A MINUTE. ALL
YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS
178
00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:06,656
ARE WATCHING THAT
SCENE FROM THAT MOVIE?
179
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,008
THE WATER BOTTLE SCENE
IS LIKE MY GENERATION'S
180
00:09:09,032 --> 00:09:12,311
PAM ANDERSON/TOMMY LEE TAPE,
181
00:09:12,335 --> 00:09:14,568
WHICH OF COURSE,
I'VE NOT SEEN EITHER.
182
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:18,123
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
TAKE KERRY TO SEE IT.
183
00:09:23,112 --> 00:09:25,691
Well, it's getting late.
184
00:09:25,715 --> 00:09:27,210
Yes, it is.
185
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,212
Man: How do you say good night?
186
00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,630
(laughing)
187
00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:34,934
AND YOUR MOM'S THE TEACHER.
188
00:09:34,958 --> 00:09:37,904
- I'll call you next week.
- Will you?
189
00:09:37,928 --> 00:09:40,256
Well, thanks so much.
190
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,059
- I had loads of fun.
- So did I.
191
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,300
- Good night, Woody.
- Good night, Ann.
192
00:09:47,304 --> 00:09:49,348
Man: And thus Woody leaves,
193
00:09:49,372 --> 00:09:52,952
knowing with great pride
that this is another night
194
00:09:52,976 --> 00:09:55,059
he did not have sex.
195
00:09:57,497 --> 00:10:01,427
OKAY, SO THAT'S ABSTINENCE.
196
00:10:01,451 --> 00:10:03,696
CLEARLY, IT'S BEEN
AROUND FOREVER.
197
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:06,716
YO, MISS HENN, THAT MOVIE
WAS ALL RATED "G" AND WHATNOT.
198
00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:10,503
NAH, IT WAS LESS
THAN "G." IT WAS LIKE "F."
199
00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:14,039
YEAH, WOODY'S GOT NO GAME.
200
00:10:14,063 --> 00:10:16,275
LOOK, IF YOU HAVE
SOMETHING TO SAY,
201
00:10:16,299 --> 00:10:19,578
PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND. ANTHONY.
202
00:10:19,602 --> 00:10:21,597
YEAH, DAWG BE COLD
SAYING HASTA TO A LADY
203
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:25,184
WITH SUCH A FINE
BOOTY LIKE THAT.
204
00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:28,404
BUT I'LL BET MY MONEY THE DAWG
BE WALKING ALL SWISHY SWISHY,
205
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,406
PLAYING FOR THE OTHER
TEAM AND WHATNOT.
206
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:32,358
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
207
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:35,428
WE ALL HAVE CERTAIN URGES.
208
00:10:35,452 --> 00:10:38,014
HEY, BRIDGET, YOUR
MOM JUST SAID URGES.
209
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:39,548
KILL ME.
210
00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:41,717
AND IF YOU RESPECT YOURSELF,
211
00:10:41,741 --> 00:10:44,053
YOU WILL SHUT DOWN THOSE URGES.
212
00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:47,423
SHE TOTALLY SAID IT AGAIN.
213
00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:50,860
AND THEN WHEN YOU'VE FINALLY
MADE A COMMITMENT TO GET MARRIED
214
00:10:50,884 --> 00:10:53,596
AND YOU FINALLY
SATISFY THOSE URGES...
215
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,370
STOP SAYING URGES!
216
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:01,887
THERE ARE OTHER WORDS.
217
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:05,741
IT WILL BE ALL THAT MUCH
SWEETER BECAUSE YOU WAITED.
218
00:11:05,765 --> 00:11:08,582
WAITED? DANG, THIS SUCKS!
219
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:12,653
SHE TRYING TO TURN US
INTO A BUNCH OF WOODYS.
220
00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:16,435
ALL RIGHT, KIDS, OKAY.
221
00:11:16,459 --> 00:11:18,621
I COULD GET IN BIG TROUBLE
FOR TELLING YOU THIS,
222
00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:22,091
BUT THERE ARE
ALTERNATIVES TO ABSTINENCE.
223
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:24,410
WHAT ARE SOME OF
THOSE ALTERNATIVES,
224
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,562
BRIDGET'S MOM?
225
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:30,149
WELL, JENNA, RATHER
THAN SPEAK IN GENERALITIES,
226
00:11:30,173 --> 00:11:32,919
WHY DON'T WE JUST ANSWER SOME
OF THOSE QUESTIONS YOU SUBMITTED
227
00:11:32,943 --> 00:11:36,138
TO MISS CALLAHAN LAST WEEK?
228
00:11:36,162 --> 00:11:39,459
LET'S SEE.
229
00:11:39,483 --> 00:11:43,178
"I HAVE A MUCH OLDER
BOYFRIEND WHO LIVES IN MARYLAND.
230
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:45,214
HE'S COMING TO VISIT
ME THIS WEEKEND
231
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:49,051
AND I'M FEELING
PRESSURE TO HAVE SEX.
232
00:11:49,075 --> 00:11:50,919
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
233
00:11:50,943 --> 00:11:54,256
OH, AND I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW
234
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,492
I'M REALLY GORGEOUS!"
235
00:11:56,516 --> 00:11:58,961
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.
236
00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:01,431
ABSTINENCE! ABSTINENCE!
237
00:12:01,455 --> 00:12:02,987
YOU HEAR ME, MISSY?
238
00:12:04,274 --> 00:12:09,444
UH... WHOEVER YOU ARE.
239
00:12:14,084 --> 00:12:17,213
PAUL, HOW MANY TIMES YOU
GONNA READ THAT THING?
240
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,381
THE WORDS AREN'T GONNA CHANGE.
241
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,917
DONNY DOYLE IS COMING
OVER TO OUR HOUSE
242
00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:23,836
TO HAVE SEX WITH OUR DAUGHTER.
243
00:12:23,860 --> 00:12:25,888
HE'S GONNA BE
HAVING SEX ALL RIGHT,
244
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:29,609
- BUT IT'S NOT GONNA BE
WITH OUR DAUGHTER.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
245
00:12:29,633 --> 00:12:31,761
I DON'T KNOW. YOU JUST
GAVE ME THIS 10 MINUTES AGO.
246
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:33,962
I'M STILL FORMULATING A PLAN.
247
00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:36,799
I'M JUST SO DISAPPOINTED
WITH MYSELF.
248
00:12:36,823 --> 00:12:38,700
I SOUNDED LIKE MY MOTHER.
249
00:12:38,724 --> 00:12:41,720
I ACTUALLY THINK I
SAID THE WORD MISSY.
250
00:12:41,744 --> 00:12:43,689
AND I ACTUALLY BELIEVED DONNY
251
00:12:43,713 --> 00:12:46,459
WHEN HE TOLD ME THAT
HE WAS CHOOSING CELIBACY.
252
00:12:46,483 --> 00:12:48,811
A TEENAGE BOY DOESN'T
CHOOSE CELIBACY.
253
00:12:48,835 --> 00:12:53,031
CELIBACY CHOOSES
YOU... HIM... TEENAGE BOY.
254
00:12:53,055 --> 00:12:54,483
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
255
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:56,702
LOOK, CATE, WE CAN'T JUST TALK
256
00:12:56,726 --> 00:12:58,988
TO BRIDGET ABOUT CONTRACEPTION.
257
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:01,423
MIGHT AS WELL JUST FLUFF
HER PILLOWS AND MAKE HER
258
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:02,908
SOME PEANUT BUTTER
AND JELLY SANDWICHES.
259
00:13:02,932 --> 00:13:06,546
YOU ARE AWARE, PAUL,
THAT ONLY WORKS FOR YOU.
260
00:13:06,570 --> 00:13:09,197
DON'T YOU SEE? IF WE DO THAT,
261
00:13:09,221 --> 00:13:12,685
IT'D BE LIKE WE'RE GIVING
HER PERMISSION TO HAVE SEX.
262
00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:15,171
AND IF WE TELL HER
YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX,
263
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,128
YOU KNOW SHE'S
DEFINITELY GONNA HAVE IT.
264
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:21,393
WHY COULDN'T SHE HAVE
BEEN BORN HIDEOUSLY UGLY?
265
00:13:21,417 --> 00:13:23,513
UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX TOO.
266
00:13:23,537 --> 00:13:25,303
EW!
267
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:30,787
YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A
CONFUSING TIME FOR THESE KIDS.
268
00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:33,606
THE MEDIA BOMBARDS THEM
WITH ALL THESE SEX IMAGES.
269
00:13:33,630 --> 00:13:36,909
WHY DO THEY HAVE TO MAKE
IT LOOK SO DAMN APPEALING?
270
00:13:36,933 --> 00:13:39,061
I BLAME THE FRENCH AND
THEIR CRAZY SEX WATER.
271
00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:42,019
AS DO WE ALL, PAUL.
272
00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:47,252
OKAY, LOOK, YOU KNOW WE ARE
GOING TO HAVE TO TALK TO HER.
273
00:13:47,276 --> 00:13:49,860
FINE, WE'LL TALK TO HER
BEFORE HER DATE WITH DONNY.
274
00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:55,210
IT'S SO HARD TO BE A GIRL.
275
00:13:55,234 --> 00:13:57,429
YOU LIKE A GUY SO MUCH
276
00:13:57,453 --> 00:14:00,950
AND YOU JUST WANT TO BE
WITH HIM. IT FEELS SO RIGHT.
277
00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:03,452
IS THAT HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?
278
00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:05,860
- SOMETIMES.
- SOMETIMES?
279
00:14:15,087 --> 00:14:17,555
(jazz music playing)
280
00:14:56,379 --> 00:14:58,212
(music stops)
281
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,566
OH, GOD, HELP US.
282
00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:06,899
PEOPLE WERE BUTT-NAKED,
MOANING LIKE NO TOMORROW
283
00:15:06,923 --> 00:15:08,984
AND I'M SITTING LIKE
THIS CLOSE TO DAD.
284
00:15:09,008 --> 00:15:11,320
HELLO, MY SOCIAL STANDING
COULD BE IMPACTED FOR DECADES
285
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:14,039
THE WAY MOM'S TALKING ABOUT
HOW EVERYONE HAS THESE URGES.
286
00:15:14,063 --> 00:15:16,741
OH, YEAH? WELL, I STARTED TO
CHOKE ON A POPCORN KERNEL
287
00:15:16,765 --> 00:15:19,512
AND OXYGEN CUT OFF TO MY
BRAIN AND EVERYTHING WENT BLACK.
288
00:15:19,536 --> 00:15:21,168
MOM SAID VULVA.
289
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,685
YOU WIN.
290
00:15:25,709 --> 00:15:28,354
KERRY, COULD YOU GO
DOWNSTAIRS FOR A SECOND?
291
00:15:28,378 --> 00:15:30,188
WE WANT TO TALK TO YOUR SISTER.
292
00:15:30,212 --> 00:15:31,957
SURE, MOM. DAD.
293
00:15:31,981 --> 00:15:34,043
KERRY.
294
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,545
I WANT TO LOOK ABSOLUTELY PERFECT
FOR MY DATE WITH DONNY TONIGHT.
295
00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:39,215
- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS TOP?
- I THINK IT SHOULD STAY ON.
296
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:41,233
I NEED SOMETHING THAT SAYS
I'M OLDER, MORE SOPHISTICATED.
297
00:15:41,257 --> 00:15:42,918
SOMETHING THAT SAYS I'M A WOMAN.
298
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,536
'CAUSE TONIGHT'S A BIG NIGHT.
299
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,839
NO, TONIGHT IS NOT THE BIG NIGHT,
AND DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
300
00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:49,558
I'LL TELL YOU WHY. CATE...
301
00:15:49,582 --> 00:15:52,594
(sighs) HONEY, YOU KNOW
YOUR DAD AND I WERE TOGETHER
302
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:55,297
FOR A LONG TIME BEFORE
WE HAD A BIG NIGHT.
303
00:15:55,321 --> 00:15:57,166
AND MIGHT I ADD
304
00:15:57,190 --> 00:16:00,236
WE WERE DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY
WITH ALL OF OUR LITTLE NIGHTS.
305
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:03,222
YEARS AND YEARS OF LITTLE
NIGHTS. LITTLE TEENY WEENIE NIGHTS.
306
00:16:03,246 --> 00:16:04,940
HE SAID TEENY WEENIE.
307
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,743
- BRIDGET.
- WHAT?
308
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,878
LOOK, WHAT WE'RE
TRYING TO SAY IS THAT SEX
309
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,981
IS A BIG STEP FOR ALL OF US.
310
00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:15,334
YEAH, AND WE IN NO WAY
WANT YOU TO HAVE SEX.
311
00:16:15,358 --> 00:16:17,603
WE ARE NOT GIVING
YOU PERMISSION.
312
00:16:17,627 --> 00:16:19,054
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
313
00:16:19,078 --> 00:16:21,123
FINE. YOU WANT ME
TO SAY IT? I'LL SAY IT.
314
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,214
SAFE SEX, CONDOMS,
YOU KNOW THE DRILL.
315
00:16:28,938 --> 00:16:32,734
LOOK, WHAT YOUR FATHER'S TRYING
TO SAY IS THAT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX,
316
00:16:32,758 --> 00:16:35,304
WE TRUST YOU TO ACT RESPONSIBLY.
317
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:38,307
WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE?
YOU'RE ALL JUST SEX SEX SEX.
318
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,308
IT'S LIKE YOU HAVE
A ONE-TRACK MIND
319
00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:42,762
AND IT'S ALL
WHATCHAMACALLIT... SEX.
320
00:16:42,786 --> 00:16:46,220
- HONEY, WE KNOW
YOU WROTE THAT QUESTION.
- WHAT QUESTION?
321
00:16:49,125 --> 00:16:51,670
FROM A GIRL WHOSE BOYFRIEND
IS COMING FROM MARYLAND
322
00:16:51,694 --> 00:16:55,891
AND HE'S COMING TO
TOWN TO... YOU KNOW.
323
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:58,894
- OH, YOU THOUGHT
THAT WAS ME?
- UH-HUH.
324
00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:01,496
NO, THAT WAS TOTALLY WRITTEN BY
THAT NEW GIRL WHO CAME FROM MARYLAND.
325
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,983
LARA O'NEILL. YEAH, AND SHE'S
DEFINITELY NOT GORGEOUS.
326
00:17:04,007 --> 00:17:05,817
I MEAN, TALK ABOUT
OVERINFLATED SELF-ESTEEM.
327
00:17:05,841 --> 00:17:08,987
IF SOMEBODY'S WILLING TO SLEEP
WITH HER, SHE SHOULD JUMP ON IT.
328
00:17:09,011 --> 00:17:11,006
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE
GOT A LITTLE PARANOID.
329
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,808
(sighs)
330
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:14,960
OH, GOSH, I GOTTA GO.
331
00:17:14,984 --> 00:17:17,279
HOW DO I LOOK? WOW, REALLY GOOD.
332
00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:20,416
(stammers) BRIDGET, SINCE YOU
AND DONNY AREN'T HAVING SEX,
333
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:21,917
WHAT'S UP FOR TONIGHT?
334
00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:24,453
PG MOVIE, HOME BY
11:00, YOU KNOW THE DRILL.
335
00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:28,306
AFTER THE MOVIE, WHY DON'T YOU
AND DONNY STOP BY SO WE CAN SAY HI?
336
00:17:28,330 --> 00:17:31,060
NO, I TOLD THE DOYLES
AFTER THE MOVIE
337
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:33,596
I'D BE MARY ELLEN'S
PARTNER IN BIBLE TRIVIA.
338
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,536
GODSPEED.
339
00:17:38,207 --> 00:17:40,318
OH MY GOD!
340
00:17:40,342 --> 00:17:42,605
THIS MOVIE SOUNDS AMAZING.
341
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,255
I'D SHOW YOU THE
WATER BOTTLE SCENE,
342
00:17:44,279 --> 00:17:46,409
BUT MY DAD MADE ME DELETE
IT FROM MY HARD DRIVE.
343
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:49,378
LUCKILY, I'VE GOT
IT ALL UP HERE.
344
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,447
- HEY.
- HEY.
345
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,471
OUT!
346
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:57,135
HI.
347
00:17:57,159 --> 00:18:02,791
YOU KNOW, I WAS A
JERK THE OTHER DAY.
348
00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:06,478
I WAS TOTALLY WRONG
ABOUT THAT FRENCH MOVIE.
349
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:09,214
IT WAS IMPORTANT
TO YOU, ALL RIGHT?
350
00:18:09,238 --> 00:18:11,734
AND I THINK WE SHOULD
REALLY GO SEE IT.
351
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:14,069
YOU HEARD ABOUT THE SCENE.
352
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,688
THERE'S A SEXY
WATER BOTTLE SCENE?
353
00:18:16,712 --> 00:18:19,207
I HAD NO IDEA.
354
00:18:19,231 --> 00:18:21,076
GO HOME.
355
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:25,019
I HATE HAVING A
SMART GIRLFRIEND.
356
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,285
- DAD.
- KERRY.
357
00:18:30,309 --> 00:18:33,689
CARE BEAR, HANG ON. WAIT
A SECOND. WE HAVE TO TALK.
358
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,292
- I DON'T WANT TO TALK.
- I THINK WE SHOULD
ABOUT THE MOV...
359
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:39,378
WHAT WE SAW THE
OTHER DAY. IT WAS...
360
00:18:39,402 --> 00:18:41,413
- WHAT?
- IT'S JUST THAT,
361
00:18:41,437 --> 00:18:43,833
YOU KNOW, REMEMBER
WHEN THE GUY WITH THE...
362
00:18:43,857 --> 00:18:46,006
THE... WITH THE...
363
00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:50,255
YOU KNOW WHAT? NEVER
MIND, KERRY. GOOD NIGHT.
364
00:18:50,279 --> 00:18:52,207
NO, WAIT.
365
00:18:52,231 --> 00:18:53,842
NO, NOT GOOD NIGHT.
366
00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:56,328
DAD, WE HAVE NOTHING
TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT.
367
00:18:56,352 --> 00:18:58,831
YOU'RE RIGHT. NIGHT.
368
00:18:58,855 --> 00:19:00,833
NO, WAIT, DAD.
369
00:19:00,857 --> 00:19:02,322
COME HERE, SIT DOWN.
370
00:19:05,661 --> 00:19:07,990
OKAY, YOU WERE THINKING
371
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:10,075
SHOULD YOU COVER MY EYES
372
00:19:10,099 --> 00:19:13,428
OR SHOULD YOU LAUGH
373
00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:15,498
OR SHOULD YOU JUST DO NOTHING
374
00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:19,251
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, LET ME
DRAW MY OWN CONCLUSIONS
375
00:19:19,275 --> 00:19:21,386
INSTEAD OF TREATING
ME LIKE A CHILD.
376
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:23,021
YES, THAT WAS ONE.
377
00:19:23,045 --> 00:19:24,940
OKAY, BUT YOU HAVE TO
ADMIT IT WAS REALLY WEIRD.
378
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:27,275
OH, GOD, THAT WAS ONE
OF THE WEIRD... (stammers)
379
00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:29,311
OKAY, BUT, DAD, STOP.
380
00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,129
STOP WORRYING.
381
00:19:31,153 --> 00:19:32,947
I MEAN, I'M NOT SCARRED FOR LIFE
382
00:19:32,971 --> 00:19:36,835
AND DESPITE BEING TEMPORARILY
TOTALLY CREEPED OUT,
383
00:19:36,859 --> 00:19:40,055
I DIDN'T HATE HAVING A
FATHER-DAUGHTER THING.
384
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,458
- GOOD.
- OKAY.
385
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:43,892
SO WE CAN DO THIS
AGAIN SOME TIME.
386
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:45,444
YEAH, IN LIKE A BILLION YEARS.
387
00:19:45,468 --> 00:19:47,545
IT'S A DATE!
388
00:19:47,569 --> 00:19:50,983
THE BOY, COME HERE.
389
00:19:51,007 --> 00:19:54,019
HEY, RIGHT HERE.
SIT DOWN, PARK IT.
390
00:19:54,043 --> 00:19:56,371
HEY, ROR. BOY, I'LL
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
391
00:19:56,395 --> 00:20:00,309
IT IS NOT E-A-S-Y BEING THE
FATHER OF TEENAGE GIRLS.
392
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:02,394
BUT I THINK I'M REALLY EVOLVING.
393
00:20:02,418 --> 00:20:04,546
AND AS FOR YOU, YOUNG MAN,
394
00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:07,182
DID YOU DELETE YOUR
DOWNLOADED MOVIES?
395
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:11,053
LOOK, OFFICER INTERNET,
396
00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:13,255
IF YOU'RE SO WORRIED
ABOUT OBSCENE MATERIAL,
397
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:15,774
- YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE
A LOOK ACROSS THE STREET.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
398
00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:17,959
YOUR DAUGHTER'S ALONE
WITH A SEX-STARVED SAILOR
399
00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:19,261
WHO HASN'T SEEN A
WOMAN IN MONTHS.
400
00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:22,130
RORY, SHE IS NOT ALONE.
SHE'S WITH THE DOYLES.
401
00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:24,766
AND EVEN IF SHE WASN'T,
I TRUST MY DAUGHTER.
402
00:20:24,790 --> 00:20:28,270
DOES IT CONCERN YOU THAT THE DOYLE'S
MOTOR HOME IS NOT IN THE DRIVEWAY?
403
00:20:28,294 --> 00:20:30,255
NO, THERE COULD BE
A THOUSAND REASONS
404
00:20:30,279 --> 00:20:32,808
WHY THEIR CAMPER'S
NOT IN THE DRIVEWAY.
405
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,661
LIKE IT'S IN BRANSON WITH
THE REST OF THE DOYLES,
406
00:20:35,685 --> 00:20:37,913
WHERE IT'S BEEN SINCE THURSDAY?
407
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:40,882
WHERE THEY'RE CELEBRATING
THE OSMOND FAMILY REUNION?
408
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,886
CATE, ARE YOU HEARING THIS?
409
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:46,060
BIBLE TRIVIA, MY ASS!
410
00:20:47,864 --> 00:20:50,514
I HATE THE FRENCH.
411
00:20:51,934 --> 00:20:54,151
BACK TO THE INTERNET.
412
00:20:56,739 --> 00:20:58,883
LARA O'NEILL?
413
00:20:58,907 --> 00:21:01,575
UH, LARA O'NEILL?
414
00:21:03,512 --> 00:21:06,664
LARA O'NEILL, NEW
GIRL FROM MARYLAND?
415
00:21:08,867 --> 00:21:12,319
DOES ANYONE KNOW A LARA O'NEILL?
416
00:21:14,323 --> 00:21:16,107
ANYONE?
417
00:21:17,843 --> 00:21:19,776
I'M SICK.
31769
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