Original subtitles

OKAY, YOUR SISTER'S GONE. THE KIDS ARE ALL UPSTAIRS.

SO THE PREGNANCY TEST IS YOURS?

YEAH.

I TOOK THE TEST AND IT WAS NEGATIVE.

OH, YOU GOT ME SO EXCITED THERE

THINKING I WAS GONNA BE A FATHER AGAIN.

WELL, THEN MY BODY STILL DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT,

SO I REARRANGED THE FURNITURE.

OH YEAH, IT LOOKS NICE.

I LIKE THIS FLOW YOU'VE GOT HERE.

NO NO, PAUL, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I TOOK IT AGAIN AND IT WAS POSITIVE.

WHAT? HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

WELL, YOU SEE, PAUL, YOU KNOW, A MAN AND A WOMAN FALL IN LOVE

- AND AT SOME POINT... - I KNOW HOW IT HAPPENS.

HEY, HONEY, LISTEN, IF YOUR BODY'S GOING THROUGH WEIRD THINGS,

MAYBE IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH MEN... MEN...

MANY DIFFERENT THINGS, MY CHILD BRIDE.

CATE, LOOK, IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING TO WRITE MY BOOK,

AND THE COLUMN ISN'T CATCHING FIRE,

AND IT'S JUST REALLY A BAD TIME RIGHT NOW FOR ME TO HAVE A BABY.

AH.

WELL, HOW ABOUT IF I CARRIED IT FOR YOU?

THIS IS THE WORST THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

BRIDGET, YOU SHOULDN'T BE EAVESDROPPING.

SO YOUR MOTHER MAY BE PREGNANT, IT...

THERE IT IS.

HIGHSCHOOLSCANDAL.COM.

"BRIDGET HENNESSY IS SO FIVE MINUTES AGO"?

OH MY GOD.

BRIDGET, YOU DON'T READ THIS STUPID STUFF.

OH, MY GOSH. AND IT SAYS,

"LOOK AT HER SISTER. SHE'S SO RIGHT NOW."

IT DOES?

OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO... WAIT A MINUTE.

MOM, YOU'RE PREGNANT?

MOM, YOU'RE PREGNANT?

WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

KERRY'S POPULAR.

MOM'S PREGNANT?

I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE A GRANDSISTER.

WOW, I MUST BE, LIKE, SUPER SMART.

- HELLO. - KIDS, YOUR MOTHER AND I NEED TO DISCUSS...

OH, OUR MOTHER AND YOU HAVE DONE ENOUGH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MISTER.

FAMILY MEETING.

YOU CAN'T CALL A FA... WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW COME EACH TIME I CALL A FAMILY MEET...

FINE, GO AHEAD.

ALL RIGHT, THIS MEETING IS IN ORDER.

HAVE YOU NO SELF-CONTROL, FATHER? CAN'T YOU KEEP IT ZIPPED?

HEY!

YEAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TWO ARE HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX.

- ♪ UNPROTECTED SEX! ♪ - HEY!

I MEAN, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I CAME HOME AND SAID I WAS PREGNANT?

HONEY, IT'S A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT. AND LET ME TELL YOU WHY.

- ♪ TELL YOU WHY! ♪ - STOP IT!

PAUL, YOU HAD TO GET HIM A GUITAR.

YOU WANT THE MONKEY BACK?

I CAN'T BELIEVE MY MOTHER MAY BE PREGNANT.

I MEAN, I'M 17. WHEN THE BABY'S MY AGE, I'LL BE...

DANCING AROUND A POLE?

UNPOPULAR AND A PREGNANT MOTHER.

MY LIFE IS SO OVER.

- DONNY? - HANG UP.

- HANG UP! - DONNY, I HAVE TO GO.

MY DAD GOT MY MOM IN TROUBLE.

NO, YOU HANG UP FIRST.

NO, YOU.

YOU.

OKAY, WE'LL COUNT TO THREE AND HANG UP TOGETHER.

ONE TWO THREE.

- NO, YOU HANG UP FIRST. - GIMME THAT!

THAT'S IT. GIVE ME THE PHONE. DONNY, GOODBYE.

NO, YOU HANG UP FIRST.

NO!

CAN WE FOCUS, PLEASE?

NOW YOUR MOTHER IS NOT NECESSARILY PREGNANT.

WELL, AND I'M NOT NECESSARILY NOT PREGNANT.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE PREGNANT YOUR BREASTS GET BIGGER.

- KYLE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? - I CAME BY TO SEE KERRY.

FIRST BRIDGET, NOW KERRY?

KYLE, WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS WITH MY DAUGHTERS?

I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT.

YOU'RE THE FATHER.

OKAY OKAY, NOT BY THE BELT LOOPS. I'M GOING COMMANDO.

- FRED AND MARY ELLEN. - OY, ME BUCKO.

WE JUST WANTED TO BRING A BUNDT CAKE OVER NOW THAT...

WELL, WHAT WITH DONNY AND BRIDGET GOING STEADY, WE'RE PRACTICALLY...

PEOPLE WHO LIVE ACROSS THE STREET.

MRS. HENNESSY'S PREGNANT.

MIGHT BE. I MIGHT BE.

WHAT? A HENNESSY BUNDT IN THE OVEN?

OH, I SWEAR IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH DICK CAVETT.

YEAH, OH, SOME GUYS HAVE ALL THE LUCK.

OH, DEAR! OH, DEAR!

- Fred: CAKE'S ON THE PORCH! - THANK YOU!

LOOK, MAY I SAY SOMETHING?

YOU MIGHT TRY SAYING NO ONCE IN A BLUE MOON, MISSY.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I AM GONNA GET A DEFINITIVE TEST

AT THE HOSPITAL TOMORROW.

KERRY, ARE THOSE MY EARRINGS?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THEY ARE MY EARRINGS.

OKAY, FIRST YOU STEAL MY POPULARITY AND THEN MY EARRINGS?

YOU FORGOT ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND.

- YOU WANNA ADD TO THIS BROOD? - ME?

- THAT'S IT, GET UP. - STOP!

GET UP ON THIS COUCH. YOU STOP.

- YOU BROKE MY EARRING! - STOP FIGHTING OR I'M GONNA TURN THIS CAR RIGHT AROUND.

PAUL, WE'RE IN THE LIVING ROOM.

- IT'S A SAYING. - IT'S A SAYING IN A CAR.

- HEMINGWAY SAID IT ALL THE TIME. - NO, HE DIDN'T.

I THOUGHT WE AGREED NOT TO MAKE ME LOOK STUPID IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.

THIS IS A MADHOUSE. I'M SUPPOSED TO BRING A BABY INTO THIS MADHOUSE?

GOOD MORNING.

I SAID GOOD MORNING. WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT'S WRONG?

I SAY I MAY BE PREGNANT,

AND YOU SAY, "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?"

BUT I JUST LOST MY BABY WEIGHT FROM THE LAST ONE.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

IT WENT A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

YOU'VE GOTTA GET A NEW VOICE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - I'M SURPRISING MOM WITH BREAKFAST IN BED,

AND I MADE HER A CARD.

- "AND I MADE HER A CARD." - YOU ARE SUCH A GIRL.

OUR LITTLE SISTER, RORY.

HEY, SHE SEEMED PRETTY TICKED OFF LAST NIGHT.

I'M JUST SAVING MY BUTT.

- OH. - NO, HEY, NO!

JUST GIVE IT TO ME!

Kids: SURPRISE!

BRIDGET, WOULD YOU PLEASE PASS THE MILK?

YOU DON'T DESERVE MILK.

YOU COULD'VE KNOCKED.

IT'S 7:00 IN THE MORNING. I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T DO ANYTHING

UNTIL YOU HAD YOUR FIRST CUP OF COFFEE.

YEAH, I MEAN, THERE'S ALREADY ONE BABY.

WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO DO? MAKE TWINS? JEEZ!

YEAH, THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENS.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, KNOCK IT OFF.

NOW LOOK, I AM SORRY THAT YOU WALKED IN ON US,

BUT YOU ARE JUST GONNA HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACT

THAT YOUR FATHER AND I ARE SEXUAL BEINGS.

COME ON, KIDS, KNOCK IT OFF.

DON'T YOU SEE YOUR MOTHER'S GOING THROUGH A PREGNANCY SCARE?

OH, SO NOW IT'S A SCARE?

WHICH APPARENTLY I'M GOING THROUGH ALONE.

YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING.

YOU ARE TOTALLY SELF-CENTERED.

UNBELIEVABLE. GOODBYE.

LOOKS LIKE WE WON'T BE WALKING IN ON YOU TWO ANYTIME SOON.

BRIDGET.

HEY, BRIDGET.

IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

THERE'S JUST A LOT OF SOCIETAL PRESSURE ON ME

TO BE ALL OVER YOUR SISTER.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME TO CONVO.

I HAVE TO CALL MY OLDER BOYFRIEND WHO'S IN COLLEGE!

HI, IS MIDSHIPMAN DONNY DOYLE THERE?

- DONNY! - HEY, BRIDGET.

DONNY, YOU MISS ME, DON'T YOU?

OF COURSE I DO.

I CAN'T GET MY MIND OFF YOU.

IN FACT I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU SO MUCH DURING CHESS CLUB,

I OPENED UP WITH A POLISH GAMBIT ACCEPTED

WHEN I SHOULD'VE OPENED UP WITH A POLISH GAMBIT DENIED.

I MEAN, DUH.

CHESS CLUB?

DONNY, YOU'RE COOL AT NAVY COLLEGE, AREN'T YOU?

ARE YOU KIDDING? I AM WAY COOL.

Guy: HEY, DOYLE'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND!

SHUT UP. YOU'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND!

BRIDGET, I GOTTA GO.

THE NEW KID.

THE NEW KID.

THE NEW KID.

MMM, PUDDING.

THIS PUDDING SUCKS.

THIS PUDDING SUCKS.

HEY.

THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND ALREADY. HE'S AT NAVY COLLEGE

AND HE CAN DO THE POLISH GAMBIT.

I WAS GONNA SAY, "PASS THE SALT."

PUDDING, MMM.

SOMETIMES ALL YOU NEED IS A LITTLE SPICE.

THAT'S DEEP.

NO NO, IT'S WIDE.

IF I WENT DEEP, YOU COULDN'T FIND ME.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW.

- I'M BRIDGET. - DAMIAN.

THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW.

I'M KIND OF AN OUTCAST RIGHT NOW.

I'M THINKING ABOUT BUYING A MOTORCYCLE.

HENNESSY! JUST THE MAN I WANNA SEE. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO TURN...

TOMMY, I'M HAVING A BAD DAY.

OH, POOR ME. YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.

I'M ON SEXUAL HARASSMENT PROBATION

THANKS TO, WHAT'S HER NAME... BOOBS IN RECEPTION.

LISTEN,

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO TURN 500 BUCKS

INTO $3,000 BY MONDAY MORNING?

- IT'S GUARANTEED. - OH, TOMMY, NO.

- WHAT'S WRONG, PAL? - OH, HEY, PAUL.

FRED!

THE RECEPTIONIST WITH THE BIG FRONT PORCH SENT ME UP.

HEY, YOU LOOK LIKE A SMART FELLOW. HOW'D YOU LIKE TO TURN...

- TOMMY. - OKAY.

- SIT DOWN, FRED. - OH, THANK YOU.

SO, ANY SPECIAL REASON YOU'RE DROPPING BY?

WELL, I KINDA READ BETWEEN THE LINES LAST NIGHT

WHEN YOU SLAMMED THE DOOR IN OUR FACES.

- I'M SORRY, FRED. - NO PROBLEM.

I KINDA SENSED YOUR STRESS,

WHAT WITH YOU AND CATE AND YOUR IMPENDING FATHERHOOD POTENTIALITY.

- WELL, NOTHING'S FOR SURE. - YEAH, NO, I PICKED UP ON THAT TOO.

FRED, I DON'T REALLY NEED...

SEE, ME AND MARY ELLEN, WELL, WE CAN'T HAVE KIDS OF OUR OWN.

OH, I HAD NO IDEA.

ALL YOUR KIDS ARE ADOPTED?

YEAH YEAH.

WELL, WE THINK DONNY'S A KENNEDY.

I JUST CAME DOWN TO TELL YOU THAT I THINK YOU'RE A GOOD FATHER.

YEAH, I'VE SEEN YOU.

BESIDES, YOU'RE NOT IN THIS ALONE, YOU KNOW.

YOU AND CATE ARE IN IT TOGETHER.

TWO PEAS IN A POD AS IT WERE.

LISTEN, I BETTER SHOVE OFF, BOYO.

OH, YEAH.

IF YOU'RE FINISHED WITH THE CAKE, MARY ELLEN WOULD LIKE THE PAN BACK.

OH MY GOD.

CATE AND I ARE IN THIS TOGETHER,

AND I'VE ONLY BEEN THINKING ABOUT MYSELF...

MY CAREER, MY STUPID BOOK, MY FINANCES.

I FEEL AS IF I'VE LET HER DOWN.

THAT'S NOT WHAT A HUSBAND DOES.

DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF, PAUL.

YOU AND I ARE TERRIFIC HUSBANDS.

HEY, WANNA GET DRUNK?

- COME ON, YOU, ME AND CARLA. - WHO?

JUGS IN RECEPTION.

BUT YOU GOTTA ASK HER.

OKAY, STOP IT. WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT,

MR. MOM-STILL-CUTS-MY-HAIR?

AND YOU, NOSE-JOB- OVER-THE-SUMMER,

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED, GIRL-WHO-FARTED-

DURING-CRUNCHES-IN-GYM-CLASS.

GET OUTTA HERE. BYE.

I AM SO EMBARRASSED.

I'M NEVER GONNA GET THE HANG OF THESE HEELS OR POPULARITY.

OH, COME ON, STOP IT. HERE, JUST TAKE MY SHOES.

- THEY'RE TOO BIG. - THANKS.

JUST TAKE THEM, SERIOUSLY.

SHUFFLING IS SEXIER THAN FALLING.

BRIDGE, WHY ARE YOU BEING NICE TO ME?

I DON'T KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU'RE MY SISTER,

Both: AND YOU'RE THE ONLY SISTER I'LL EVER HAVE.

HOW MANY TIMES HAS MOM SAID THAT TO US?

Both: MOM.

WELL, MOM'S GONNA NEED A NEW CATCHPHRASE.

WE MAY HAVE A BABY SISTER.

YEAH, MAYBE YOU GUYS CAN SHARE SHOES.

THIS IS REALLY BIG FOR HER.

I KNOW AND ALL WE'VE BEEN DOING IS THINKING ABOUT OURSELVES.

WE WERE REALLY MEAN.

GOD, HOW COULD WE BE SO SELFISH?

I BLAME MOM.

Both: MOM.

YOO-HOO, CATE!

MARY ELLEN, YOU'RE HERE...

VOLUNTEERING ON MY DAY.

OH, PISH-TOSH.

NOW I KNOW YOU'RE A LITTLE STRESSED ABOUT THIS BABY THING.

A LITTLE.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN BE A MOTHER AGAIN.

I'VE BEEN SO UPSET WITH MY FAMILY,

I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD TIME TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I WANT.

I JUST GOT MY CAREER BACK.

PAUL IS NOT IN THE BEST PLACE AND...

BUT, YOU KNOW, I MISS THEM WHEN THEY'RE LITTLE.

I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, CATE, THE LAB CALLED,

AND YOUR PEE'S ON DECK.

OH, GOD.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I COULD HANDLE MORE THAN ONE,

- MARY ELLEN, I REALLY... - AND THEN BEFORE WE KNEW IT

WE HAD FIVE WHEN WE ADOPTED MARY MAUREEN.

AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU I LOVE THEM ALL.

AND I WANNA SAY TO YOU THAT SOMEHOW IT WORKS OUT.

I DIDN'T KNOW LITTLE MARY MAUREEN WAS ADOPTED.

- OH, YES, THEY'RE ALL ADOPTED. - OH.

FRED, INSANITY IN THE FAMILY.

- YEAH, YOU KNOW, I REALLY DO... - CATE,

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OKEY-DOKEY.

WELL, I'VE BOTHERED YOU ENOUGH.

- MARY ELLEN. - HMM?

WOULD YOU WAIT WITH ME?

SURE.

OH, MAN.

ARE YOU FINISHED WITH MY CAKE PAN?

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, FAMILY MEETING.

ON THE COUCH, RIGHT NOW.

NOW LISTEN TO ME.

YOUR MOTHER IS THE MOST WONDERFUL WOMAN ON THE PLANET.

SHE KILLS HERSELF FOR THIS FAMILY.

SHE IS THE SALT OF THE EARTH... OH, SALT.

AND ALL OF US...

AND ALL OF US HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE TO HER

THESE PAST 24 HOURS.

- YEAH, WE KNOW, DAD. - YOU'RE RIGHT, DAD.

SO I WAS THINK... I'M RIGHT?

YOU NEVER SAY I'M RIGHT.

SO ANYWAY, I GOT HER THESE PRESENTS.

BRIDGE, YOU'RE THE CHOCOLATES.

YOU'RE THE TEDDY BEAR.

YOU'RE THE PENCIL WITH THE FUZZY ERASER.

WHAT?

GEE, DAD, YOU MUST'VE GATHERED ALL THE CHANGE

FROM UNDER THE CAR SEATS FOR THIS STUFF.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'M GIVING HER THE BIG ONE.

All: EW!

IT'S A GIRAFFE.

DON'T NAME IT.

A GIRAFFE.

- HI, GUYS. - MOM.

WE ARE SO SORRY.

HI. HI, HONEYS.

MOM, WE REALLY WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS BABY.

YEAH, SO LONG AS IT'S NOT A BOY.

WELL, THAT'S VERY GENEROUS OF YOU.

WE'LL DO EVERYTHING WE CAN TO HELP. WE'LL BABYSIT.

- WE'LL CHANGE IT. - CHANGE IT?

HELLO, FRENCH MANICURE. I AIN'T CHANGING IT. YOU ARE.

- WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO... - I'M NOT CHANGING IT.

- NOW, GIRLS, GIRLS. - MOM.

I FELT BAD ABOUT THIS MORNING SO I WROTE YOU A SONG.

♪ UNPLANNED BABY ♪

♪ WELCOME TO THE FAMILY... ♪

OH, RORY, RORY.

HONEY, THAT'S SO SWEET. THANK YOU.

THANKS TO ALL MY KIDS.

I BOUGHT ALL THE PRESENTS. THE KIDS DIDN'T EVEN CHIP IN.

I'M KIDDING, CATE. COME HERE, COME HERE.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU,

AND I AM SO SORRY FOR THE WAY I WAS BEHAVING.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I REALLY REALLY WANT THIS CHILD.

LOOK AT THIS. I EVEN GOT BABY'S FIRST GIFT.

OH, THAT'S SO NICE. THANK YOU.

THANKS, EVERYBODY,

BUT I'M NOT PREGNANT.

- NO? - NO?

- NO? - ♪ NO. ♪

SHUT UP!

TAKE IT UPSTAIRS, KIDS, RIGHT NOW.

GO UPSTAIRS RIGHT NOW. TAKE IT UPSTAIRS.

- NICE GIRAFFE. - WELL, YEAH, YOU KNOW,

GIRAFFES ARE GENDER NEUTRAL

SO IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S A BOY OR A GI...

SO NOT PREGNANT?

NOPE.

- HOW YOU FEEL? - I DON'T KNOW.

Bridget: YOU LITTLE TWERP, YOU, LIKE, TOTALLY SCUFFED MY SHOE!

YEAH, LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MINE, YOU BIGFOOT.

- Bridget: OW, LET GO OF ME! - Kerry: OW, GET OFF OF ME!

SO NOT PREGNANT!

♪ I GAVE MY LOVE A CHERRY ♪

♪ THAT HAD NO STONE ♪

♪ I GAVE MY LOVE A CHICKEN ♪

♪ THAT HAD NO... ♪

SORRY.