Original subtitles

The Hotel of Love Affairs.

- Good morning, miss. - Good morning.

I have a reservation for Mr. & Mrs. Martin.

Right away.

- Yes, here it is, #305, Carrasco. - Thank you.

Best wishes from the hotel management...

Ah, how cute.

How famous we are, right?

By the way, I don't know why you bring me here every year...

You bring me here for nothing.

I can't forget that once you were like a bull here.

Such a long time ago... I don't remember. Wedding night!

This time I'm sure it will happen again.

The world is full of optimists!

Ooh... it's such a nice view. It's dreamy.

- What do you want? - Come over here, my baby.

I'm coming.

Kiss me.

Come on, let's sing.

Baby!

What's wrong now?

Come over here, my baby.

Son of a bitch!

What?

Light up a cigarette for your sweetheart.

Here you go, burn-out.

Thanks, master.

Let's sing now.

What is it, my love?

Would you come here and wash my back?

Yes... my darling of Hamburg.

Gimme that.

Oh, I get the shakes when you touch me with such roughness.

Be quiet now.

You're so macho!

Alright. There. That's it.

Now, more singing...

Yes, my love?

Come here.

What now?

Would you like to wash your girl's ass?

Of course, my love.

You can wash more between the legs...

That's good... Very good...

This wash is really good.

Come here, baby. Come here.

It looks like you're looking for something else.

Come closer, baby. Start moving...

This isn't as easy as it looks... fucking under water...

The suction makes it very difficult.

Hey!

Good morning...

I have a room reserved through the Carinosa Agency.

Yes, Here it is.

Have you seen a strong man with a flower... around here?

There's one. He's been waiting for a while.

Hey.

Are you the tiger of passion?

And you? A butterfly?

- Are you the hunter? - Yes.

Well, you're different than I imagined.

And I wasn't expecting such a well-fed butterfly.

Well, any ways...

I already told you... nothing would happen...

Especially in this position.

Oh yeah?... We'll see.

Look. Imagine I'm not Joana... your wife...

I'm Paul Newman... Paul Newman!

Repeat after me: Paul Newman I'm Paul Newman. Paul Newman.

I'm Paul Newman.

No. You're not Paul Newman... I'm Paul Newman...

- You're Paul Newman? - Yes... Paul Newman.

Oops, you look like Paul Newman.

Ooh... my Paulito! My Paul!

Ah, yes.

Oh shit!

Goodbye, Carrasco!

Ooh! An Indian.

Indian? Your mother...

- Look a love nest. - Very good.

Are you really a hunter?

Yes, of course. The butterfly catcher.

But the dating agency gave me a photo of you standing over a lion.

That was the agency in Timbuktu...

The photographer added stuffed animals for atmosphere.

Let's see if you have any hidden hunting skills.

Have you ever made love, my child?

The truth... Not that often...

I haven't been lucky in love...

Once I did it with a bird.

A bird?!

Don't get jealous. It was just a bird. Now it's over.

A bird?

That's okay.

I'll teach you everything I know.

You're not a virgin?

Why that question?

Should I respect you? Or not?

What are you doing?

Hey, take it easy.

Are you going to hurt me?

Hey! Butterfly.

Ohhh. Baby, Baby...

This is so good!

Long live the Spanish!

Ohhh... it's so good...

Long live the Spanish!

Ol�. Ol�.

Just you and I... in a grand country.

Have some patience... I don't turn on with a switch.

I'm sorry... I didn't expect instructions.

It's very simple... you'll see...

One up... two down. One up... two down.

Let's try... 1. 2. 1. 2...

Faster...

Wait... another thing:

Okay, 1 to the left... 2 to the right... 3 to the middle

1. 2. Centre. 1. 2. Centre 1. 2. Centre...

Oh, so good!...

Yeah... the Centre! You could be a Centre...

The Centre is the best thing to be...

Did you like it? Did you enjoy it?

For the moment... it's a little weird...

You put too much thinking into it. Don't tell me it was better with that bird.

No. The bird! That was a different story.

I'll make you forget that thing. Let's start again...

Let's start again...

1. 2. Centre. 1. 2. Centre...

Viva Seville! And Morocco! Viva!...

And Escalero De Terrosa! Escalero De Terrosa viva!

Shit!

Excuse me, this is the management...

I'm sorry. I'm very busy working on a study of Spain. Goodbye.

It was magnificent. The greatest adventure of my life...

I've been hunting before... but never on the Dark Continent.

Enormous creatures live there...

And they aren't trained or civilized...

I've never been so afraid... it was terrifying.

Eat. Eat, my love.

Come on... let's visit Paul again.

Thank you, Nacho. Until Monday, my love.

I want to get a room somewhere else...

Can you take my luggage, young man?

Even you... If you want.

Is she from around here?

Ohhh! Such a slut.

- Good morning, Miss. - Good morning.

I have reservations for Miss X.

Miss X?...

Oh, yes. #307.

Do you have some ID, please?

It's like this, I don't have any ID in the name "Miss X".

So then... what name should I put here?

I'll explain...

I don't want the press to bother me... I am here secretly.

- What's your name? - Incognito.

I'm going upstairs for my tobacco...

I'm going to check on my hat.

Excuse me a minute...

- I need to take a piss. - Okay.

It's a nice day.

- Yes. - For you maybe.

A nice day.

- My name is Ilsa. - Hello.

Hello. How are you?

How are you?

Through here please.

I would like to eat her. Baby... woo.

She's very interesting.

I don't know what you see in her. But she's gorgeous.

If you're a sweetheart... and a darling...

If you do everything Nenita wants...

If you come when Nenita wants...

I'll take you with me... to my country... My land.

Everything is nice and developed. Hamburg.

Where?

To my country...

Everything's nice. Well made.

Isn't it very cold there?

Yes. Very cold. And I'll warm you up.

I'll think about it.

Slower...

You are my soul.

My German blood boils.

No! No! Not so hard! No!

What's wrong with her?

Later, Carrasco.

It seems like she's okay now.

Oh! What a song!

She's singing now.

Maybe... it could be anything. It might be what you think.

Oh, yeah? Gimme your dick.

I messed already.

God damn.

How's my baby, mentally.

Excuse me, please.

- Take it to your bed... or leave it here? - Whatever you want.

- Does the master want anything else? - No.

You're missing out.

Goodbye.

- Excuse me, please. - Come in. Come in.

You want me to leave this here... or take it to the bed?

I don't know... There. There.

Very good.

- Anything else? - No. Nothing else.

You're missing out.

That's life.

Goodbye.

What did that slut want?

She brought breakfast... It's part of the price.

You're included in the price, too.

Hey! It's the Indian. What's up?

I'm just trying to work.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

It's an ideal day to get a tan.

Yeah.

Please, can you put a little lotion on my back?

- Are you here from Madrid? - No way. I live in Canaria...

I went to Madrid once... and almost froze to death.

You get used to it. I have a boutique there.

- What is that? - A boutique? It's a fashion store.

Women's clothes? That must be very nice.

That's it. Turn over.

- Now it's your turn. - Very well.

If you want I'll do your front too.

Wow, you're so nice.

I love the soft hands of a woman.

Oh... delicious hands.

Hello... What are you doing?

- Can't you see? It's a design. - For what?

- For my next collection. - What collection?

- Pierre Martin. - What's that?

- I'm the great designer. - Oh. Now I understand.

- Pleased to meet you. - Okay. Sure...

It'll be real nice...

There will be flower petals connected with a butterfly knot.

Butterfly? Did you say butterfly?

My name is Philip.

- Martin. - Igor.

I'm a butterfly hunter.

How do you hunt him... with a shotgun?

No, with a net. You sneak up and... catch them alive.

- Well, I'm a dress designer. - And I'm also a hunter.

Birds?

- Certain types of birds. - Oh yeah?

And 1. And 2. And 3. And now!

Come on. I'll do it again.

Now it's your turn.

I have another one. I have three balls.

Hello!

Hello! Good day, miss.

Another ball! And here we go!

Oh baby!

Hey, you.

Come on.

I'm coming.

Hello.

Oh stupid! You hit my balls.

Okay! Everybody!

She's a delightful girl...

And she has a body that revs my engine.

Did you say that your car is running?

No, don't be stupid.

- Good afternoon. - Goodbye

I'm a sick boy.

Ooh... the Indian. Hello.

Hey you!

Aren't you a gentleman?... Move over.

Bangs or no bangs... that is the problem...

What is most convenient for the female?...

No.

Bangs. Or no bangs. That is the problem...

What is more convenient for the female...

To give in... or to fuck fast...

To allow penetration... or dry rub...

By the amazing powers of the gods...

Fuck...

maybe suck...

Who could decide?...

If one is to give and the other...

... is to take.

There she goes!

- What's happening? - Let me see.

Yes, that's it...

Ah... Mr. Pickle...

Mr. Pickle...

Pickle! Lovely pickle.

Such men!

Pickle.

This pickle isn't so bad...

My pickle... ah, my pickle.

Pickle.

Yeah... that's it.

Mr. Pickle.

What a shame.

What a disaster!

What a shock!

What a babe! He, he, he, he, he.

Oh! What a surprise! Come in.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

- Come in. - Thank you.

Sit down please.

Do you want something to drink?

- No, thank you. - Not me.

- And you? - No. Thank you.

And you don't want something else?

No. No. No.

Nothing? But nothing?

Yeah! To fuck!

Me too.

Not so fast.

Don't worry. Since I arrived, I've been too damn slow.

This guy is too fast. Besides, he's an Indian...

We just stopped in to say hello.

We appreciate you...

Aw... please!

- I also like how you perform. - You're so funny...

You're like little kids... men are so shy.

- I am... - Me too.

Well, not that much.

- I blush easily. - Me too.

I was born this way.

Well,

I was born an actress.

- I can't take this any more. - Me neither.

I'm practising my next part...

From the screen to the stage...

- From innocence to fucking. - How delightful!...

Where do you d�but? Maria Theatre?

Oh no way! In the Party Salon of the Conga.

I never heard of it.

- I never heard of it either. - No.

Well, I have! I know where it is...

I've been there. And there are some babes!...

I thought I recognized your ass from somewhere.

Ah, yes?

Don't pay any attention to him. He's just an Indian.

And you came from the moon, didn't you?

Oh... he's so funny!

Would you like me to do a number for you?

- Yeah. Of course. - No No. Not me.

What I want is to be your partner in the act you're doing.

Why not? The first thing is... take a piece of clothing off...

I also like to look!

I don't have any muscles.

I'm too hairy.

I get embarrassed in front of men.

- Yeah, me too. - Whatever you say.

You get undressed... or I'll get dressed!

Come on, men! Don't be so shy. Come on.

Let's see...

You're not taking anything off?

No, please. Hands off.

It's embarrassing!

- And how about you? Taking anything off? - No. Thank you very much.

Come on... just a little flesh.

- No, I'm a vegetarian. - Vegi- what?

- Vegetarian. - And what is that?

I only eat vegetables... like those.

So then... I'm a vegetarian too...

I like oranges...

Pickles...

She's so sneaky.

Plantains...

Wow... it's smaller than mine!

Oh! He's so funny!

Let's see... for my next act... I'm gonna do it with a plantain...

You want me to do it?

- Ooooooh, yes! - Yeah. Of course.

- It's great! - You'll see...

- Take it easy with my jacket. - Are you sick?

No, I have something in my pocket.

You're so sneaky.

Men...

Would you allow me to rape you?

I don't care. Be careful. I haven't washed in 4 days.

Oh. It's so gross.

I like the macho smell!

The masculine sweat!

You're going to be purple!

Ooh... my God! What are you doing?

I'm going in!

Let me have some space in there!

Oh my blood is boiling... boiling... Aaaaaagh!

Those beautiful lips!

Watch my hair!

Don't even think about it.

I'm going to do it.

You ready for me?

You trying to make me straight?

This is gross... but I'm still doing it.

She's good.

Yo!

The call of the wild gorilla!

I'm a man... I'm a beast.

You could be a lion for all I care...

You should take advantage of these moments. I might even work with you.

I don't care. I like men who start with me. Not someone else.

It was my first affair in 15 years... with a woman.

Oh yeah? I don't care!...

Go fuck that slut... but don't touch a hair of my cunt...

Bastard!

Very well. I'm going to the jungle... Ooh... the things I say!

Me and the jungle... Oh my God!

How are you doing beautiful lady of Hamburg?

Leave me alone. Son of a bitch!

- Wouldn't you like to screw a little? - Go to hell, faggot!

What's wrong? You don't like me any more?

I'd like to crush your dick with a big rock!

Goodbye... You're missing out.

Cover that up!

I thought he was a nice guy...

And If we demand a public apology?...

That's not enough. I know them...

They would easily do that.

Rosita is right. In my country, we'd nail their dicks to a tree.

But not that! It's terrible.

We could whip them.

Mine's a masochist. He'd like it...

We must do something they'll remember forever.

We could ignore them. What do you think?

That wouldn't work... They'd go back to her. And screw her.

That girl is such a slut.

We can see that!

How about voodoo? It might have good results.

Too slow.

How about electric shocks while they sleep?...

My grandfather used to do that often.

A waste of energy...

I think we need to kick that bitch's ass!

My love. My love.

My love.

My love. My love...

Bangs or no bangs... that is the problem...

What's more convenient for the female?...

Let him get by easy... whatever...

Come in.

If you want to live, you have a half hour to leave the hotel!

This hotel is too small for the four of us.

So, you don't want to hear my side?

What do you think?

Sit down, please.

We don't have much time.

Have you ever committed adultery?...

Which one of you can throw the first stone?

We haven't come here to throw stones...

We've come to smash your face! So now...

You can start hitting me...

I'm not defending myself... I know I hurt you.

So why are you such a whore?

I don't want to be this way. God knows.

Don't tell me... I won't feel sorry.

Have any of you ever been sick?

- What do you care? - I had a yeast infection once.

- Why do you want to know? - Why do you care?

Because...

I'm very sick.

Oh yeah? Too bad.

Yes, when I was 3, I fell out of my crib...

What a hit! What a hit!

And at 5, I was raped by the gardener...

A year later... by the milkman.

And at 8, the baker raped me...

Since then I get free bread... but...

When I was 11, my grandmother tied me to the bed...

... cause I was a maniac! Every time someone touched me...

I would become uncontrollable...

I fucked a priest at a funeral when he accidentally bumped me...

Then my grandmother decided to take me to the doctor...

The poor man said: This girl suffers from lackafuckaphobia...

It's an incurable disease, you know...

I have it in the 3rd degree...

The worst was the other day when the men came in...

Those 4 horny men threw themselves at me...

And they raped me...

While they laughed like clowns...

Their eyes were red with passion...

touching me all over...

All four of them, red with desire.

They jumped... They jumped on top of me.

They violated me.

Screaming like devils.

Their eyes getting redder with passion.

Exploring me all with their hands.

Me, I got dangerously horny.

I tried to fight.

Until they fucked me.

And then they fucked me like dogs for hours.

Until... I relaxed in their arms

and then I fucked all four of them.

And my one as well? Are you sure?

Yes, he was the best one out the lot!

What fire! What a fuck! What a cock!

What an insatiable appetite!

Without regret! Come on!

Well...

My life always ends up like this.

Cock after cock...

And fuck after fuck.

Between my wants and my needs...

I was lonely without hope...

I have committed the greatest atrocity...

Every time someone touches me...

... caresses or touches my hand...

I can't resist!... And I fuck them?

It doesn't matter where... a park, garden or theatre...

It could be a man... woman... kid... or pre-grad students...

Do you understand?

Look. Touch me...

And you'll see I'm not exaggerating...

You'll see my defect...

Touch me, please. Touch me!

Touch me!

Girl! What is this?

Go girl! Wow!

You see? I can't help it!

Don't you think our friend is in trouble?

I don't think she cares.

She's okay.

Poor creature...

You think she's sick?

I don't know if she's sick... but she knows how to do it.

The truth is, she has very nice tits.

I've seen better.

You do it pretty good.

It's very nice.

Hey, wait a minute!

Come over here.

It's better like this.

Of course, my love.

You're all so good!

It's so great!

To think... all those people raped this poor girl!

I propose a toast...

To the total failure of your boutique.

To the failure of your spring fashion line.

What's wrong with you now, idiot?

Nothing.

You know what's going to happen? I'm not taking you to Hamburg.

I don't care. I don't wanna go to that fucked up country.

Well you can stay in Paris... with the trash.

Yeah, sure.

What's wrong, idiot?

Nothing.

What's going on, idiot?

Nothing.

If you don't tell me what's going on...

- What? - ... return the money I gave you.

Now you're throwing me away for stupid reasons...

Well, you can shove the money up your ass.

You needed it for your sick mother and screwed up brother.

Well, I had to say something... right?

What's going on?

Are you really mad?

I'm a little chilly now.

Aaaayyy... baby...

But you're not mad...

Tell me... you're not mad?

A little... yeah.

Come back to the room... and forgive me.

If we go to the room... I'll drive you crazy...

Sweetheart.

You don't have to give anything back.

I wasn't going to anyway.

Give me your hand...

And you...

Skin on skin.

My little toy.

You won't escape this time... I'll leave you sweating.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing.

I said what's wrong?

I remembered a joke I heard a long, long time ago.

Are you sick in the head?

- Idiot! - Why?

Cause I like you.

I like you, too... I'm sorry.

You said I was an idiot. Ha, Ha, Ha.

What's wrong?

Nothing. Should something be wrong?

And now what's wrong?

Your face is funny.

And now... What's going on?

I'm laughing at the colourful fish.

- Why? - Because they're funny.

You... on the other hand... are ignorant. I hate you.

Well, it's very easy. We get divorced. And that's it.

Pierre? It's so good!

You like me? You're just a thief!

Listen... why don't we go upstairs...

And I'll teach you some new tricks I learned.

Okay! Let's go!

Very good!

What's that?

It's you!

- And what is that? - Never mind... Let's go.

Come on, bull! Come on...

I'm a bullfighter!

From the port of England to Germany.

Come on whore!

Foreigner, foreigner, come on.

Don't tell me what to do to get fucked.

Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul!...

Paul Newman, yes. Paul Newman! Paul!

She left!

Subtitles by sirgarfield, EloiseStorm and suckmysound for cinemageddon