Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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COUSlN BRUClE: Hi, everybody! This is your cousin Brucie!

[ Feedback ]

Yeah.

And now, cousins, live from the Brooklyn Paramount,

it's my pleasure to present what you've all been waiting for,

the number-one group in America. . .

The Dukes!

[ Cheers and applause ]

DANNY: /n 1963, we were on top of the world.

Times change.

* Bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum *

* Bum-bum, bum-bum *

* Ooh-wah, ooh-wah, cool, cool kitty *

* Tell us about the boy from New York City *

* Oh, yeah *

* Ooh-wah, ooh-wah, come on, kitty *

* Tell us about the boy from New York City *

* He's kind of tall *

ARMOND: You think this is just one guy?

Zorro?

GEORGE: Who knows? We made the whole thing up.

MURPH: Oh. So you -- y-you never got robbed.

No, we just said we did.

l don't get it.

Why would you do something like that?

Why do you think?

They did it to bring in some business. . . ldiot.

Just look for the story, all right? Zorro.

"Food bandit strikes again," that kind of thing.

* Yeah, yeah *

DANNY: l don't understand. lt was supposed to run today.

* You ought to come and see *

lt's not here.

lt's got to be. Look in the restaurant reviews.

Maybe they put it in there.

lt's not gonna be in the restaurant reviews.

That's to review! This is news!

You know, it's about a restaurant.

Logically, it'll be in the "restaurant" section.

Logically. . . Only to your spider's brain.

There is no "restaurant" section, George.

Well, you know what? Then it's not there.

That's what l just said.

He's absolutely right. lt's not here.

Wait, wait, listen to this. This is interesting.

"Food chemist.

Leading supermarket chain seeks chemist

with background in food technology.

ln additional to beautiful surroundings. . ."

Murph.

Uh, "We offer competitive salary. . ."

Murph.

"And, uh --"

Murph!

-What? -Your paper's on fire.

[ Gasps ]

[ Laughing ]

l was just trying to help.

Murph, we're not looking for jobs. We're looking for money.

l thought we were looking for the story.

We were till you lit his paper on fire.

M URPH: l knew it was you.

You believe him? lt wasn't me. lt wasn't.

You know, the smart thing would be to start our own.

Stop with that.

What? l think it's a good idea.

And how do we finance this good idea?

We get a loan. We ask Lou to get us a loan.

Lou. . . can't even get us a gig.

Oh, by the way, Lou is working on some things.

Yeah, right.

With our personalities, l think it'll work out.

No, l think he is. He got some things.

They don't want personalities. They want collateral.

What things?

l don't know. l wasn't paying attention.

But l heard him say he's working on some things.

Yeah, well, the oven and the equipment is collateral.

They already own that.

They want outside collateral, something you already got.

Well, wait a minute, you buy a car, right?

You know, it's collateral, then you repossess it.

That's because a car is easy to sell.

Not too many people drive ovens, George.

l think you're very negative.

l'm not being negative. l'm realistic.

All right, do me a favor. Don't turn around.

l think she likes my smile.

-She's right up your alley. -Oh, yeah.

ARMOND: l'd like to wake up with that.

l like if they turn into a pizza, like, about 2:00 in the morning.

Can't argue with that. Pizza's always good.

How much do you need to open a restaurant?

-80 grand all-in, baby. -That's 20 grand each.

lf any one of us had 20 grand,

we wouldn't be having this conversation.

-l have 20. -That's thousand, Murph.

l know what it is. l have 20,000.

Where did you get 20 grand?

l sold my stock options. They paid me yesterday.

Great. You can be the first money in.

That's the hardest money to come by.

Can't. l need it for the lawyer.

How much is he charging?

$1 5,000 retainer.

You're throwing the money away.

lt's a scam. You're not gonna get your job back.

l wasn't smoking! That test was false!

lf you walk into the room

and everybody, let's say, is smoking grass, you breathe.

That's it -- boom, you're positive.

Did the plane crash, or did the plane crash?

The plane didn't crash!

lt skidded off the runway on takeoff.

Yeah, when the wheel came off because it wasn't on right.

l'm not working on wheels!

l'm a troubleshooter for the electrical system!

And l'm the best!

The vice president of the airline

gave me this ohmmeter key chain for my birthday last year!

You know how many guys we take care of those planes you fly in?

They put all their money in security now.

Today, nobody cares about maintenance anymore.

Yeah, well, they got the big guns, Murph. You'll lose.

[ Laughing ]

Well, excuse me, boys, but it's, uh. . . .

lt's pizza time.

lsn't she too small for you?

[ Laughing ]

Excuse me, boys.

[ Thud ]

l think she just ran over my foot.

We better get to the emergency.

Yeah? Call Lou.

Check, please!

[ Siren wails ]

* Ooh, ooh, ooh, whee *

LOU: You remember when Bobby Vinton

did that promotion for Time Life Records?

You got us a deal promoting Time Life Records?

Better -- they're gonna use a song of The Dukes

to promote this thing called, uh, Dance Heads.

-Dance Heads? -Yeah.

They're gonna put you on TV, 30-second spots.

l feel like an ice cream. You guys want ice cream?

What the hell is wrong with you?

When are you gonna learn -- when they take off your leg?

How's a guy like me supposed to not have ice cream?

lt's no joke, Armond. Your foot's in jeopardy.

Okay? You got to be strong.

As long as l shoot my insulin, l'm good for a couple of scoops.

Tell that to your two missing toes.

They pay for everything -- production, air time,

and they're gonna take out an 800 number to order your song.

Lou, we only had a couple of hits, and they can download them free.

No, not -- not with a nice jacket and story about The Dukes.

They get that for nothing with the CD, and it only costs us 30 cents.

So we lose money.

No, this is the beauty of the thing.

We charge $4.95 shipping and handling,

it only costs us $1 .05 to ship.

Yeah?

[ Scoffs ]

$4.95 take away $1 .05.

Yeah?

-That's $3.95. -Right.

Minus 30 cents for the CD.

Yeah.

We keep, in our pocket, $3.60 -- that's per unit.

Wow. Huh.

Yeah.

All right.

And what do they get out of it?

We help them sell their Dance Heads. That's all they get.

What the hell is this Dance Heads?

lt's a video thing -- lip sync.

All you got to do is show up.

You have such a nice complexion.

You won't need much makeup.

That's unfortunate.

l was hoping that you, uh, could spend a little more time with me.

-Phil, how long? -About 1 0 minutes.

Good.

You know, Armond used to open for The Dukes.

-Funniest stand-up around. -Good.

He could do a short routine and then introduce them.

Uh, maybe next time, Lou.

You know, l don't want anything to detract from the promotion.

You never know, a little laughter may soften their pockets.

Not necessary.

People see this, the phones will be ringing off the hook.

We'll have laughs later, okay?

Lou.

Lou, l mean, do you really think

this is something we should be doing?

They got 8 million viewers on KCLA.

That's -- if we get 1 %, that's 288,000.

They think we can get as much as 1 5%.

[ Chuckles ]

That's 4,320,000 for us.

Okay.

Danny!

Danny, what time are we meeting tonight?

For what? What do you mean, "meeting"?

You know, skeet shooting. We're supposed to go skeet shooting.

What skeet shooting?

What are you talking about, skeet shooting?

Skeet shooting -- did you forget?

Oh, that's right.

l'm s-- you know, l'm sorry, George. l forgot.

Right, okay.

Skeet shooting. That's about 3:00.

3:00. 3:00 A.M.

3:00 A.M. All right.

See, that's what l thought.

Are you sure you're okay with this?

Absolutely. l have to get up early myself.

* Bum, bum, bum, bum *

* So fine *

* Bum, bum, bum *

* So fine *

* Bum, bum, bum *

* So fine, yeah *

* Bum, bum, bum *

* My baby's so doggone fine *

* She loves me *

* Come rain, come shine *

* Whoa, oh, yeah *

* So fine *

* Bum, bum, bum *

* She thrills me *

* Bum, bum, bum *

* She thrills me *

* Bum, bum, bum *

So, Suzette, how long you been doing makeup?

* My baby thrills me all the time *

[ Glass shatters ]

About five years.

* Whoa, oh, yeah *

* So fine *

* Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum *

* Well, l know *

* She loves me so *

* Bum, bum, bum *

* Well, l know *

* Because my baby tells me so *

BRlON: ls that you, Daddy?

DANNY: No, that's not Daddy.

lt sounds like you.

Well, that's because it's, you know, from a long time ago.

Songs were different then.

You know what? l'm gonna -- l'm gonna turn that off, okay?

'Cause it scares away the fishies.

[ Radio turns off ]

They come around when it's quiet.

Can l sing when l grow up?

Sure you can.

You can do anything if you really want to.

l like to hear you sing.

How come you don't sing anymore?

[ Ship horn blares in distance ]

Well. . . Daddy's time passed.

And now it's harder for him to do that.

[ Waves crashing ]

[ Sea gulls squawking ]

But you said you can do anything if you really want to.

[ Owl hooting ]

Hmm.

l love you.

[ Moaning ]

* Don't play it no more *

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, baby.

* Don't play it no more *

* No, no, no, no, no, no *

[ Both moaning ]

* Don't play that song for me *

* lt brings back memories *

* Of days that l once knew *

* The days that l spent with you *

Mmm. l just want to rest my eyes a minute before l go.

Okay.

But remember, l got to get up soon.

l know. Me, too.

Mmm!

l just want to lay here for five more minutes.

Just five more minutes.

Okay.

Five minutes.

* You know that you lied *

* You lied *

* You lied, lied, lied, lied *

* Remember on our first date? *

* You kissed me and you walked away *

* You were only 1 7 *

Do you have any idea what time it is?

We were having a good time.

He caught a fish, but it was too small,

so we threw it back in.

The dentist wants his money,

or he won't do any more work on Brion's teeth.

And l had to stop his piano lessons.

How much do we owe the piano teacher?

ls something wrong with you?

These are his permanent teeth.

You know, Lou got us this thing.

Lou? [ Scoffs ]

Yeah, we're gonna sell our songs on TV.

Danny. . . When are you gonna grow up?

* Darling, l love you *

* You know that you lied *

* You lied *

* You lied, lied, lied, lied *

Okay, Suzette, come on. Five minutes is up now.

Okay.

Come on.

Come -- honey?

[ Groaning ]

Come on. Baby.

Come on, baby.

Hey, that went fast, huh?! Whoa!

Hey, come on.

Come on, you promised. Five minutes is up, honey.

l got to go, all right? You got to get up now, baby.

Come on, baby, you promised. Come on.

Please. Come on, baby.

Honey, please, you got to get up now.

Come on, honey. Come on.

Muffin. Muffin, come on.

Muffin -- Hey! Muffin!

Come on. That's it. Got to go. Got to go skeet shooting.

Oh, l don't want to go.

l know you don't, but you have to, Muffin.

Come on, honey. Come on, now.

l got to go now. Come on.

-No, baby! Honey! -No!

-Honey! -No!

Honey!

-Honey. Honey. -Oh, Georgie!

You know, Diane,

you go over your life like you're an accountant.

You got to make sure everything adds up.

lf something's out of line, you make it a big deal.

-l don't look at it that way. -You never did.

That's your trouble.

l work, l cook, l clean,

l'm a mother, l'm a chauffeur,

and l'm tired.

The only time l get to myself is from 8:00 to 1 :00 on Tuesdays.

Some days, l don't even want to get up,

and l'm 38 years old.

* You know that you lied *

* Darling, l love you *

* You know that you lied *

* Darling, l love you *

[ Door closes ]

[ Suzette snoring ]

[ Sighs ]

Call me, now.

Definitely.

[ Smooches ]

[ Smooches, barks ]

[ Chuckles ]

Wait. Wait till she leaves.

[ Engine revs ]

[ Sighs ]

l don't understand, George.

Why didn't you just tell her to go home?

Then you hurt their feelings.

Yeah. What about my feelings?

Hey, come on.

GEORGE: So, what do you think?

DANNY: l don't know. They got the air time. You know, that's good.

GEORGE: That's good? That's better than good.

All we got to is make 1 %, and we can do anything we want.

DANNY: You know? l mean, that don't sound too hard.

lt sounds too easy. That's what's bothering me.

Why does that bother you? Why can't it be true?

'Cause when you're desperate, nothing sounds true.

Whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute. Whoa. Wait a minute.

What?

Come, on Danny, look at this.

What?

Look at this. Come here.

What?

l'm telling you, we can set some tables over there,

you know, serve something like pasta.

-This? -Yeah.

lt looks like the Knights of Columbus left it to rot, George.

Danny, we can get this place cheap.

There's no restaurants around here.

You ever think there might be a reason for that?

l'm telling you. lt's worth a call. You got your phone?

No, l don't have the phone.

Well, then remember the number, then.

George, we don't have any money.

We can ask Aunt Vee for the money.

What is -- what do you mean, "Ask Aunt Vee"?

We can tell her we're making the money on the promo stuff, right?

And we can pay her back.

l mean, l don't want to lose this place.

Lose what?! Nobody wants this!

-Danny -- -You want this? Nobody wants it.

Danny, for one time, will you just listen to me?

l already owe her money.

Then l'll ask her.

Good. You ask her.

[ Jazz music plays on radio ]

AUNT VEE: l got detectives coming by and busting chops!

Reporters!

"Eye on L.A." wants to talk to me!

What the hell am l gonna say to them, huh?

Two geniuses l got here!

[ Muffled speaking ]

What the hell are you saying? Take that damn thing off your face!

l says -- l just said the "Eye on L.A." could be a good thing.

lt's publicity for the restaurant.

What publicity?

The only good publicity is word of mouth,

and l got enough to do around here

without talking about my lying nephews!

l'll talk to them.

Don't do me no favors, you!

-Come on, Aunt Vee. -l don't want you to talk to them!

We figured this guy is grabbing all the publicity.

Look at all the joints he's hit -- they're doing great.

l mean, everybody wants to know where Zorro sat,

where he carved his famous "Z."

Yeah, that's another thing!

You see what yous done to my damn painting? Can't believe it.

Maybe you should ask her for the loan now.

Smart.

Which one of you clowns did this? Huh?

Which one of you? lt was your idea wasn't it? Wasn't it?

l don't remember.

Well, who cut it?

You know how long l had this painting?

[ Scoffs ]

This is an original. This is no litho.

You see this signature? That's real paint.

We did it for you, Aunt Vee.

All these mom-and-pop joints -- they're going down the toilet.

Yeah, we figure we got some fresh ideas, you know,

but you don't want to hear them.

You know, the only people that come here,

you know, they split the order.

We don't want to see the restaurant go under.

You trying to teach me how to run a restaurant now?

No, l don't want to tell you how to run a restaurant, no.

-lt's just l -- -Just -- just some changes.

You know, keep up with the times. That's it.

l was in this business when your mother and your mother

brought you to the restaurant in Long lsland in high chairs!

Yeah, that's right, the high chairs.

And now you come 'round to my place, why?

Not because you're great chefs, no.

Not because l need yous.

But because your own things went through for you,

over and over!

You throw that in the garbage!

AUNT VEE: What is it, Katherine?

Pasta to share.

Get the sauce, George. Hurry up.

GEORGE: l'll get the sauce. Give me a minute.

They don't like it anyway, so why should l give it to them?

Hey, hey, hey. Come here. All right?

"Restaurant." "Restaurant" section.

Okay, big shot? "Restaurant" section.

We never should have left New York.

GEORGE: l mean, look at Johnny Maestro.

He still packs them in every night, you know, at his own club.

What l wouldn't give to have our own club.

DANNY: lt would be great to have a club,

but it could never happen here.

Why not?

Different crowd. They don't like oldies as much.

That's what l'm saying -- we never should have left New York.

What are you, a crystal ball?

Look, Georgie, we did good here for a long time.

Yeah, until you and Ray had that thing.

What does that have to do with New York?

Well, what l'm saying is, you know,

we never should have left.

Yeah, but then l-l-l wouldn't have had Brion.

Ever think about that?

-Sure you would. -How?

Well, you would have met somebody else,

and, uh, you know, your kid would have been another kid.

l don't want another kid. This is my kid.

Look, he still would have been your kid,

but some other kid, you know?

Not this kid. See what l'm saying?

No, Brion is my kid. l don't want another kid.

He'd still be named Brion if you want,

but he'd be a different Brion,

because you'd have a different wife.

George, take some medicine, will you?

Yeah.

What's wrong?

[ Lisping ] Let's go.

What's wrong, Georgie?

l think l just swallowed my tooth.

Yeah, you did.

-Come on, we got to go. -Where?

To the dentist, that's where!

We got to get this fixed!

Listen to me -- l can't even talk right!

George, how? We owe the guy money.

He's got to do this, Danny!

He's gonna want something up front.

Come on, let's go!

Will you relax? All right? lt's not like you lost a limb.

lt's not about my tooth! lt's about my smile!

Let's go! Get!

Oh. God, George, where will we get the money?

Come on!

[ Tires screech ]

-Murph. -Hey!

l need a big favor.

lt's really important, l swear.

-Why are you talking like that? -l lost my tooth.

He swallowed it eating a hot dog.

Look, the "Dance Head" commercial is on tonight,

and all we got to get is 1 %, and we can make a big score.

lt looks real good for us, Murph.

l mean, there would have to be an earthquake

and the TV station would have to blow up

for us not to make any money.

That's great. What do you need?

l need you lend me some money to get my tooth fixed.

l promise l'll pay you back.

l would if l could, but l don't have it anymore.

-Come on, Murph. -l swear. l invested it.

ln what? You don't know anybody to invest.

[ Chuckles ]

l can't tell you yet. lt's really big.

Come on, Danny, let's go.

Wait.

Here.

l have $1 26.

lt's all l have. Maybe this will help.

You know, it's something, George. At least it shows good faith.

Thanks, Murph.

[ Telephone rings ]

WOMAN: Michelle, l have to call you back. Okay.

Dr. Phoul's office. One moment, please.

Dr. Phoul, it's Dr. Brillstein on line 2.

Okay. Why don't you step around here for a sec.

Okay.

Let me have your finger.

Put some pressure on that. lt's got to set.

-Okay. -Just keep the pressure on.

l'll be right back in.

[ Clears throat ]

Marty, what's the good word?

No, you call that a bargain?

Marty, listen to me.

We just bought 560 ounces of the same gold

a couple of days ago and paid a full 25% less.

You're very beautiful.

[ Chuckles ]

Thank you.

[ Chuckles ]

You just got to put on a little weight.

Well, if you find that hard to believe,

then go to the lab, look in the safe, weigh it,

and then call Panda

and tell him l want him to show you the invoice.

Absolutely.

lf this guy can't do better, we'll just wait, right?

[ Lip-syncing ] * Bar-bar-bar, bar-Barbara Ann *

* Bar-bar-bar, bar-Barbara Ann *

* Barbara Ann *

* Bar-bar-bar, Bar-Barbara Ann *

* Take my hand *

* Bar-bar-bar, bar-Barbara Ann *

* Barbara Ann *

* Bar-bar-bar, bar-Barbara Ann *

You want to be a singing, dancing sensation

but you don't know how to sing or dance?

Well, we've got the perfect thing for you.

You don't have to be in a famous singing group or even in a band.

Hi, l'm Ralph Thomas, President of Dance Heads.

Come see us at any of our new locations,

or we'll come see you at your next special event

and make you the star you've always wanted to be.

Come see us.

Surf's up!

Duh.

ANNOUNCER: So call Dance Heads.

1-800-446-321 1 .

That's Dance Heads.

Just show up. We do the rest.

Songs by The Dukes sold separately.

We get no calls, and this guy gets everything!

He used us to push his Dance Heads!

How the hell did this happen, Lou?

-What did the contract say? -Yeah, maybe we can sue.

Come on, it costs money to sue!

We didn't go to contract yet.

We had -- we had a deal memo and a handshake.

-Okay, what did you agree to? -What l told you.

Well, did you agree he can make our number real small at the end?

-No, of course not. -So he shermed you.

Shermy-sherm-sherm, sherm-sherm.

You don't need to insult me.

l'm trying the best l can to get jobs for you guys.

And in this climate, it is not easy.

What does climate have to do with it?

The weather out here is great.

All the outdoor venues, it should be easier.

What planet are you on, buddy?

-"Climate" as in "work climate." -DANNY: Whoa!

Come on, don't start with that "bigger group, more hit" crap, please.

But that's what's happening!

They take gigs today they wouldn't take five years ago.

lt's happening with actors, too.

l had a great gig for -- for Armond, series regular.

l don't want to mention any names,

but who comes in and takes it away from him at the last minute?

A big star.

Danny Devito.

Really? What show was that?

-Some show -- it doesn't matter. -Oh, but l'm curious.

-lt doesn't matter. -But what was it?

-Lou! -lt never got picked up.

Anyway, it's all changed now.

Whole playing field is different.

With today's technology,

everybody's an actor, everybody's a singer.

Yeah, there's -- there's just too much competition.

All those frigging reality shows.

Lou, what about some of the old places we toured,

you know, Disneyland, Six Flags -- why can't you book some of them?

l would like nothing better.

Yeah, like Knott's Berry Farm, where you trashed the sound system?

What about the state fair,

where you threw the speakers off the stage?

How about the booker at the Hyatt Hotel,

where you told him to stick the microphone in not a nice place.

Guys, you know, l just wanted us to sound the best we could.

They're right, Danny. Your temperament did us no good.

Well, that won't happen anymore, Lou, l promise.

Okay.

Maybe if all the Dukes were together,

instead of hiring some impostors to fill in,

we could use that to book you.

-Well, that's not gonna happen. -Danny already reached out for him.

lf you were together, you could help each other,

but your -- your egos got in the way.

lt's Ray with the ego.

Yeah, he wouldn't even return phone calls.

Danny's the voice, not Ray.

Just get us moving again. Whatever you say, l'll do.

Do l have your word?

You have my word.

[ Slurps ]

l mean, look at this -- the color's off.

-How long will it last? -l don't know.

He said, "Don't eat anything too hot, too cold, too hard."

l guess that's why they call it a temp.

You know, the best ones are these da Vinci veneers.

They give you the movie-star smile.

-Da Vinci, huh? -Yeah.

Guy thought of everything.

When am l ever gonna get a permanent one?

What about Brion? When do l get his teeth fixed?

You know, Danny, maybe we should sell this limo,

you know, get something more economical.

Come on, George. lt's all we have left.

This limo's been through everything with us.

l'll find another way.

Eats a lot of gas.

lt's better than being cramped in a roller skate.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

How's Armond gonna get into one of those things?

Speaking of which, if he doesn't keep his treatments,

they're gonna saw that foot right off.

l mean, is this medicine?

l mean, this is a sin. Do these guys take an oath?

Yeah, they swear loyalty to cash.

You know how much money we gave this guy over the years?

You know what they do, these dentists?

They get together and they all chip in to buy the cheapest price on gold.

They buy it in bulk. lmagine that.

Who told you that?

l overheard Dr. Phoul on the phone.

They just bought 560 ounces.

560 ounces? That's a lot of rappers' teeth.

You know the money they must make?

They all chip in?

Yeah, they buy the gold,

and they put it in a lab where the crowns are made.

-They put it in a lab? -Yeah.

-Hmm. -We should have been dentists.

Yeah.

[ Opera music plays ]

THE FOOD BANDlT STRlKES AGAlN

Bastardi!

GEORGE: Danny, this is it. We got nowhere to turn.

l mean, how hard could it be?

l mean, there's -- there's nobody there at night.

We're not gonna hurt anybody.

Well, that's for sure, because we're not doing it.

What do you got against it?

What do l got against it? We're not thieves, that's what.

No, but they are.

They rob you every time you sit in the chair -- every time!

Well, it's not the same thing, George.

Okay? You got to stop with this, okay?

Danny, l'm not gonna let this go.

[ George laughs ]

Daddy, can l have cotton candy? Please?

Brion, it's no good for your teeth, honey.

Come on, give the kid some cotton candy.

-lt's no good for his teeth! -He's 9 years old!

You should know better than anybody!

Come on.

You know what? Go out for a pass.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Brad.

-BRAD: [ Laughing ] Hey, buddy. -DlANE: Hey, sweetheart.

Did you have fun?

-Yeah. -Yeah?

Look what Dad got me.

Oh, wow. P.J. just got here.

-You could show him. -Okay.

-Hey, P.J., look at this. -Danny, this is Brad.

Hey, Dan. Nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

So, l understand you and Brion like to fish.

What do you go for?

Well, pretty much anything we can get off the pier.

Well, why don't we all get together and go for some barracuda?

l got a 32-footer, all power.

All you got to say is the word.

Thanks. l'll think about it.

Right.

You want something to eat -- a hot dog, a hamburger?

You know what? l'll -- l'll take a hamburger.

A hamburger, okay. What do you take on it?

-Just a little ketchup. -Okay.

So. . . You like this one?

He's -- he's interesting.

Gets along with Brion.

l'm not gonna give you the third degree,

as long as he's a nice person.

He is.

Good.

So, what's he do?

He's a dentist. He's gonna fix Brion's teeth.

Brion's got a dentist.

But we owe him a lot of money.

-l said l'll take care of it. -When, Danny?

-Soon. -Well, that's too far away.

We need it now, and Brad will do it now.

Don't you understand? Those are my teeth.

l'll fix them, not this clown.

-This "clown" has a good business. -He's a thief!

Danny, what are you talking about?

He doesn't touch those teeth. l'll get them fixed.

Danny!

The whole $1 0,000?

M URPH: He said it was too heavy to take with him.

The cops seized it all -- the money, marijuana.

He had to climb the fence to get away.

-Who is this guy? -The Russian Mafia.

-ARMOND: You just got shermed. -What is "shermed"?

You're a mark. There were no cops.

There was no bust. He kept your money.

How do you know that?

ltalian wise guys used to run that scam.

DANNY: You sure he's Russian Mafia?

Of course l'm sure.

They stop by the newsstand all the time.

What do l do, Danny?

You can start by throwing up. lt'll make you feel better.

Oh, shut up! lt's not funny, Armond!

Lou!

You knew he was a gangster, a common thief.

You should have had no part of him. This is what happens.

l know, l know. But what do l do now, guys?

[ Watch beeping ]

Come with me and get ashes. That'll make you feel better.

-You think so? -l know so.

lt will, Murph. We all got them. l mean, l feel great.

Okay, l'll -- l'll go.

LOU: Good. Make you feel like a new man.

-Talk to you later, Lou. -Yeah, right.

Danny.

-Danny! -Yeah?

Danny, Danny, listen. l want to take him with us.

-Take him where? -You know.

-Armond. -Armond already knows.

Yeah, it's interesting.

Yeah, well, so's an autopsy, but l wouldn't want one.

-We got to bring Sinitsky with us. -Will you stop with this?

There's gonna be electricity there. We're gonna need him.

-Who's Sinitsky? -Murph.

l never heard you call him that.

-That's because l never do. -Murphy's law.

Whatever can go wrong, will.

That's a good name for him.

Danny, the guy's always been there for me,

and he needs money just like all of us.

Well, he doesn't need to get busted,

because that's what would happen before we even got in the front door.

No, we won't. Tell him, Armond.

Tell me what?

Armond's got this guy. He's a master thief. Tell him.

l worked with this guy on a heist movie.

[ Groans ]

He was the tech advisor. He retired now.

But he told me that he can open up any safe around.

-Any safe! -Let me get this right.

You want to break into a building with a guy we don't even know.

He's just gonna show us how to do it.

Oh.

He won't go in. He's done too much time.

-And he's gonna show us? -Yeah.

[ Music playing on radio ]

lt's Aunt Vee! Aunt Vee!

Hurry up. Finish up, okay? Come on.

We should have been done already. And where's Katherine?

Where's Katherine? l don't see her car out there.

She's probably late.

Oh, my God, but you're brilliant!

How did you get so smart?

We get it from you, Aunt Vee.

You like how l prepped the kitchen?

Yeah, you're a regular Emeril Lagasse.

But how come you's not finished in here yet?

Some ad agency saw the Dance Head promotion,

and it reminded them of us.

Yeah, they want us to sing one of our songs.

That's terrific. lt doesn't answer my question.

-Well, we had to go meet with them. -That's why we're late.

Oh, so that's why you's not finished in here yet.

-Exactly. -Exactly.

[ Chuckles ] Morons.

One night l got two parties, everybody's late.

l can't stand this traffic anymore. l want to move.

Yeah, well before you go,

can you help Martha Stewart here with the table settings?

Hey. l heard about your tooth. l'm sorry.

Well, you didn't do it. Nothing to be sorry about.

l just want you to know l still think you have a great smile.

l know.

[ Sighs ]

l'm willing to risk it.

So am l. Gives us some hope.

That's the spirit!

l gave Lou my word, and l'm gonna keep it.

What does he have to do with it?

Well, he set the whole thing up. lt's because of him we got a shot.

He doesn't know anything about it.

How can he not know about it? He was there when we met the guys.

l'm talking about the heist, Danny, not the commercial.

Come on, it's a thousand-to-one shot

that commercial will even be aired, okay?

We got to start thinking about plan "B" here.

You want to know the truth, George? l think about it, okay?

Good.

And every time l do, my -- my -- my palms get sweaty

and my heart starts to race.

Yeah, well, l'm scared, too. So is Armond.

Brain damage, wake up! He can't even walk!

He can walk when he wants to.

We need a lookout.

He can sit in the car with a walkie-talkie, okay?

And what's he gonna say?

"The cops are coming. Jump in the safe"?

Look, l'll tell you what. We meet with the guy.

lf you don't like it, we walk away.

What about Aunt Vee?

lt would break her heart if she ever found out.

She'll never know about it.

You hope.

Toulio, we're here! lt's me!

TOULlO: Who?

Armond!

Come on in.

* Rama lama lama, lama lama ding dong *

* Rama lama lama, lama lama ding *

* Rama lama lama, lama lama ding dong *

* Rama lama lama, lama lama ding *

* Rama lama lama, lama lama ding dong *

* Rama lama lama, lama lama dong ding *

* Rama lama lama, lama lama ding dong *

* Rama lama lama, lama lama dong ding *

* Ooh-wah-ooh *

* Oh, oh, oh, oh *

* l've got a girl named *

* Rama lama, lama lama ding dong *

* She's everything to me *

* Rama lama, lama lama ding dong *

* l'll never set her free *

* For she's mine, all mine *

Danny, this guy's the best with a safe.

The whole industry knows about him.

Yeah. l'm sure his mother's very proud.

Now. . . What's this film about?

ARMOND: l, uh -- Let me explain here, Toulio.

This isn't a film job. lt's a real job job.

A what?

Oh, man.

-You didn't tell him? -What's wrong with you?

Armond, you're not trying to put me in a jackpot here,

are you, bro?

No, Toulio. Come on, l swear.

l didn't want to talk over the phone, so l said it was a film.

l didn't know what else to say.

l don't do that stuff no more. l'm legit now.

l got a wife and a dog. l even make car payments.

Sorry to bother you, Toulio. Come on guys.

Sorry, Toulio.

Yeah, no problem. l just don't, you know?

Come on, guys!

Say not for nothing,

but how many scores have you guys put down?

None.

Man, you guys lead a clean life.

Why do you want to start playing this game at your age?

lt's a long story, Toulio, and a very bad idea.

Come on guys, let's go.

How much are you taking down?

35 pounds of gold.

35 pounds?

lt's just sitting there.

You guys cops?

-No! -M URPH: No, we're not cops!

l fix 747s, and you know who these guys used to be.

l'm gonna have to pat you down.

-What? -Toss you for a wire.

He wants to see if you're wearing a microphone.

You got it.

You know, to tell you the truth, l've been looking for something good.

Married life is more expensive than gassing up an old v8.

And l got all these bills and taxes.

And my wife is four months pregnant!

ARMOND: She is?! Congratulations, Toulio!

GEORGE: Congratulations! Hey!

Okay, which one does it look like?

[ Bird chirping ]

Danny knows.

l don't know.

Did you see the gold?

Some of it.

Well, then why can't you pick out the safe?

l had no reason to. l was never in this business.

What kind of joint is this?

You said you don't go in anymore. Why do you need to know?

Think of me as your lawyer.

l'm here to help you,

but l can't help you if you hold back on me.

lt's a smelting plant.

Smelting plant.

A smelting plant.

Okay.

My cut is an even fifth.

For that, l get everything you need.

l move all the gold with nobody asking questions.

We get the full market price

and you get your money the next day, no nonsense, Jim.

No.

His name is Danny.

[ Chuckles ]

"Jim" is an expression, you know, like "Joe" or "Mac."

Oh.

You'll show us how to do everything?

l'll show you everything.

lt's got to be one of these safes, and l'll show you how to pop them all.

Agreed?

[ Bird squawking ]

Danny, Danny, come on. What do you think?

-l'm still thinking. -Well, what else have we got?

Our freedom, number one. Number two, we could get shot.

Good, let them put me in a bag and bury me,

because l can't even afford a box!

l never got to number three.

There's still a chance the commercial could work.

lf it does, we'll be okay.

[ Bell rings ]

DANNY: This is what you think we do, make these junk commercials?

Listen, son, we don't do these things. Do you understand?

No, l asked you a question. Do you understand?

Do you know who we are, where we toured?

l played cards backstage

with more legends than you ever watched on TV.

We had hit songs

when you weren't allowed to cross the street by yourself,

and you want to tell us how to sing, how to record this?

What? No, Lou, l'm sorry. That's it. l can't do it.

No. Yeah, that's the way it is. l'm sorry, we're gone.

Gone. Let's go guys.

What? Temperament? You want to see temperament?

You want to see speakers fly off the stage?

You want to see microphone shoved in not a nice place?!

Watch, then!

Watch this!

[ English accent ] Hey, we all set, Danny?

All set, Dave.

Okay. Let's give it another shot.

Okay!

GEORGE: All right, here we go, Lou.

All right, everyone. Let's have it nice and quiet.

[ Bell rings ]

We'll get it this time, Lou.

Let's have playback.

And. . . action!

[ Music plays ]

[ Lip-syncing ] * Every time l see them *

* l just want to stir *

* Stir tomatoes, stir, stir, tomatoes *

* These tomatoes smell so sweet *

* l'm gonna chop-chop-chop- chop-chop them up *

* And have some to eat *

* Chop my tomatoes *

* Yeah *

* Chop my tomatoes *

* Yeah, yeah *

* Catsup, what's up, everything is salsa'd up *

Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!

D-d-do you -- do you know what you're doing?

Y-you're doing the same thing.

C-can't you even hear the lyrics to your own song?

DANNY: l think the problem is that these aren't our lyrics, you see.

Right, but -- but these --

We just got them the last minute here.

Yeah, the-- the-- these are the --

lt doesn't go with our tune.

l understand that,

but these are the lyrics that you're being paid to sing.

And you're supposed to be professionals, aren't you?

All right, that's it. That's it. You got your takes. Use them.

-We're finished here. -What are you talking about?

l can't use any of these takes. They're terrible.

You wouldn't know terrible if it bit your cockney behind!

Let's go, fellas. We're wrapped.

Nobody treats my talent like that -- nobody!

-Wait a minute. -Lou!

One -- one -- one second, Dave. Just one second? Give us a second.

-Yeah, sure. Please. -Lou, take it easy, okay?

-We need this. -No, you don't.

Not this. Not for you to be treated this way.

You wouldn't allow it with Dick Clark.

You think l'm gonna let this monkey behave that?

That was a different time, okay,

when the future was still in front of us.

-Don't do this, Lou. -This what you want?

No, it's what we need. The alternative is worse.

Only if you believe that. We're going home.

Go get out of this nonsense. Come on.

-Let's give him one more shot. -One more.

He's had 1 3, and it's only getting worse.

Why don't you trust me?

We did, Lou. That's why we're here.

lt wasn't supposed to be like this.

lt's never the way it's supposed to be with you.

Well, what is that supposed to mean?

When was the last time you did something right, huh, Lou?

Who else would keep you for a manager?

Danny.

Hey, gentlemen, l need to know. Are you -- are you on board?

-We're all yours, Dave. -Smashing.

-Let's do it. -Okay.

[ Lip-syncing ] * Every time l see them *

* l just want to stir *

* Stir tomatoes, stir, stir, tomatoes *

* These tomatoes smell so sweet *

DAVE: Cut! Cut, cut, cut!

Hey, you'll be hearing from our lawyers!

And those are our tomato costumes!

TOULlO: l'm one inch left of the dial.

That's where the lock is.

Uh. . . Get me some water. There's a jug by the sink.

Get him some water.

These boxes got 1/8 of an inch of steel

between you and the lock.

Now, most of them are right here,

but if the manufacturer got slick on you

and it's in a different spot, you're gonna have to peel it.

l'll show you how to do that, too, in case you got to.

No! What are you doing, man! Put it on the bit!

-Give me that! -l thought he was thirsty.

All right. Now, that's concrete.

These old jobs -- they use it for reinforcement.

More water.

One more thin plate, the other side of the concrete.

[ Drill stops ]

Take a look in there.

You got to bust that curved piece.

This is working out to about $3 an hour.

Cracking safes is nothing but hard work.

Don't ever let anybody tell you different, my man.

lt's like fixing planes.

Yeah, but this is way more fun, Jim.

Bust the curved piece.

[ Clang, shatter ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

This is what l get off on.

That's where l left the combo.

[ Laughter ]

He's good, isn't he? l told you he was good.

He's got a crowbar mentality and a safe-door fetish.

That's exactly the kind of guy you want.

Look at this beauty.

* Life could be a dream, life could be a dream *

* Doo-doo doo-doo, sh-boom *

* Life could be a dream *

* lf l could take you up in paradise up above *

* lf you would tell me l'm the only one that you love *

* Life could be a dream, sweetheart *

* Hello, hello again, sh-boom *

* And hoping we'll meet again, boom *

[ Scatting ]

* Life could be a dream *

* lf only all my precious plans would come true *

* lf you would let me spend my whole life loving you *

* Life could be a dream, sweetheart *

* Doo-doo-doo-doo, sh-boom *

* Every time l look at you *

* Something is on my mind *

[ Horn honking ]

* Baby, we'd be so fine *

* Oh, life could be a dream *

Murph, Armond. lt's not a smelting plant.

lt's a dental lab.

Over 75 dentists keep their gold there for crowns.

That's it. l'm in.

* Via, via *

* Vieni via di qui *

Oh, my gosh, look at the time. l got to go.

See you later, girls.

[ Keypad beeping ]

* Neanche questo tempo grigio *

* Pieno di musiche *

* E di uomini che ti son piacuti *

* lt's wonderful, it's wonderful *

1 2:05.

* lt's wonderful, it's wonderful *

Every two hours, like clockwork.

* Chips, chips *

[ Scatting ]

* Via, via *

* Vieni via con me *

* Entra in questo amore buio *

Steph! Stephanie! Steph!

Excuse me?

-You forgot my birthday. -Your birthday?

Come on, Steph, everybody shows up

except the one person l wanted there -- you.

You broke my heart.

l'm sorry, you must have me mixed up with someone else.

My name is not Stephanie, and l don't even know you.

Oh. Well, that's no excuse. You should have been there.

[ Chuckles ]

l'll tell you what -- dinner tonight at La Scala boutique,

and l'll forgive you.

Um, you will be very hungry if you wait for me.

Why, don't you eat?

l cannot have dinner with you because l am engaged.

-[ Beeping ] -Oh.

Oh, l'm sorry.

Look, l hope l didn't offend you, you know?

lt was just a clumsy attempt at an icebreaker.

[ Door closes ]

Do you have a sister?

Yes!

* The girl l dream about *

[ Toilet flushing ]

* Someday, she will appear *

* The girl l dream about *

* Her face is, oh, so clear *

* Are you real, or is it just my imagination? *

* The way l thought that dreams came true *

* Now l believe they do *

* The girl l dream about *

* Baby, is yo-u-u-u-u *

* l never thought that dreams came true *

* Now l believe they do *

* The girl l dream about *

* Baby, is yo-u-u-u-u *

He goes, "That's where l left the Ferrari."

He says, "Where else can you park in New York City?"

ls that what he said?

"Where else can you park in New York City

for $1 5 for two weeks?"

[ Both laugh ]

[ Sighs ]

-Aunt Vee! -Aunt Vee!

Aunt Vee! Aunt Vee!

-Give her some air here! -Get her some water, George!

Peppe, phone! Phone!

[ Telephone dialing ]

-PEPPE: Help! -George?!

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Birds chirping ]

Where do you think you go when you die, Danny?

l don't know, George.

They probably send everybody back to California.

No, l'm serious.

l'm serious, too. l think Hollywood is limbo.

You wait there, and then your soul goes to Santa Monica,

in a one-bedroom.

l just got your message from last night.

And l'm so sorry!

-Whoa, it's okay. -No, l want to help.

No, no. We're almost finished. lt's all right.

l mean with the funeral.

-What funeral? -What?

For your aunt.

-Aunt Vee? -Aunt Vee's not dead.

Yeah, no, no, no, she didn't die.

Your message said that she had a heart attack.

Yeah, but l didn't say she died.

-Oh, she's not. . . -No, Katherine.

Oh, thank God.

l was so scared -- so scared.

l just can't believe it.

l got the phone call, and l wasn't there.

l didn't get it till this morning.

Always. l'm so glad she's gonna be okay.

lt's all right. lt's okay. lt's all right. lt's all right.

No, no, it's okay.

[ Horn honks ]

Put this on everybody's fingertips,

and make sure you don't touch anything till they're dry.

You nervous?

l'm too tired to be nervous. l didn't sleep all night.

All right, don't forget, sometimes people just close. . .

-GEORGE: Danny, come on, hurry up! -One second!

Sometimes people just close the safe. They don't bother to spin the dial.

l know, last-number spin.

-Good luck. -All right.

See you in a couple of hours!

Let's go!

[ Tires screech ]

DANNY: Murph, hand me the pliers, will you?

You should take the needle noses, too.

They're always good to have. [ Chuckles ]

Did you smoke that crap again?

-No. l didn't smoke, l swear. -Then how come you're laughing?

l'm nervous. l always laugh when l'm nervous.

Yeah.

We don't want any problems, Murph. That's all l'm telling you.

Hey, Danny, l'm fine, l swear.

l will not jeopardize this. You know.

lt's just my nerves.

[ Laughing ]

[ Brakes squeal ]

Here we go.

[ Dog barking ]

No, not now, my friend. Not now.

Jesus.

Damn it.

Some musica! Musica! Musica!

[ Mexican music plays ]

Si, si, si.

Yeah, yeah, El Pollo Loco! Pollo loco!

Yeah, yeah. Si, si.

Pancho Villa, yeah?

[ lndistinct conversation ]

-Taco Bell. Taco Bell. -Mucho gracias.

-Murph. -Yeah, Taco Bell.

Ah, Pollo Loco.

Arroz con pollo. Arroz con pollo.

Si, si. Pollo Loco, Pollo Loco.

Taco Bell, Taco Bell.

Taco Bell.

Ah, Pollo Loco.

-You know the times? -l got them.

[ Music continues softly ]

[ Beeping ]

We're in.

* You are, you are, you are a long, long train *

[ Beeping ]

Wow.

Come on, hurry up.

lt's really pretty in here.

M URPH: Looks scary to me.

This way. This way.

[ Beeping ]

-We're in. -Good.

* Ouha, ouha, ouha, ouha, ouha, ouha, ouha *

M URPH: This seems too easy.

This seems easy to you?

Straight down, straight down.

* You are, you are, you are a long, long train *

* We go away, we go away *

* You are, you are, you are a long, long train *

* We go away, we go away *

* Ouha, ouha, ouha, ouha, ouha *

M URPH: Hey, maybe Toulio is an informer.

That's how these guys stay out of jail.

What's wrong with you?

Wait, wait, wait.

Shh! Listen!

What?

l heard something.

Over there!

l didn't hear anything.

There's nobody there, you idiot.

Somebody's there.

From where? There was nobody here when we came in.

l don't know, but they're here.

Check with Armond.

Air traffic control to 747, come in please.

747 here.

ls there any other aircraft in the area?

No -- l mean negative.

No. . . .

No other. . . late, uh, passengers?

Get it out! Give me that!

Gimme it!

-Anybody else come in behind us? -No, Danny, nobody.

-No names, idiot! -What?

Stay awake!

Hello?!

See?! There's nobody here, Murph!

You're a mook -- a paranoid mook!

l heard something!

You heard your brain hitting against the wood.

l heard something!

Okay.

Give me the paint.

-What? -Give me the paint.

l don't have the spray. You were supposed to take it.

-Get the paint! Come on! -You don't have the spray?

-You forgot the paint. Come on. -What's wrong with you?

You're the one who was supposed to bring it, not me!

-You were supposed to bring it! -No, you were supposed to bring it!

Just take the paint! Stay there!

-Where is it? -What?

-Which bag? -lt's in a can!

Just get the paint!

Come on!

[ Train whistle blows in distance ]

Let's go. You got it?

Give me the paint.

Watch out.

Spray it. Spray it.

Hurry up and spray it!

Get it on there. Get it on there.

-All over. The other side. -Okay.

-All right, okay, okay. -l got it.

-Over here. -All right, over here.

-Give me the spray can! -No way!

-Give me the spray can! -No, l got the spray can!

-Over here! Over here! -l got the spray can!

* Vuoi un titolo al quandro o alla sua imitazione? *

Let me try the last-number spin.

[ Clicking ]

* The dragon, dragon *

* That's the dragon, dragon, dragon, now, yeah *

Damn.

-This is a setup. -Shh!

[ Heart beating ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Heart beating rapidly ]

Police!

lt's a tra-a-a-a-p!

Freeze!

-lt's a trap! -What the hell is wrong with you?

Do you even know what you just did!

Do you?! Ugh!

He's stoned! Do you know what we got to do now, you idiot?!

We had to be out of our minds to take him with us.

You moron.

Damn it!

l'm sorry, Danny.

l vouched for you! And this how you pay us back!

l'm sorry! l'm sorry, fellas!

You don't know what l just saw! lt was so real!

Shut up! Just shut up!

You just sit there and shut up!

lf the lock's not where it's supposed to be,

l'm gonna bang it open with your face!

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Drill whirring ]

The lock's not there.

GEORGE: Are you sure?

Look. lt's not there.

lt's not there.

lt's not there?

What did we just say, Einstein?

Maybe we should forget about it, Danny.

The gold is there, Georgie.

Maybe we might not have enough time.

Not if we have a conversation about it.

ARMOND: Air traffic?

-M URPH: Air traffic. -The runway is occupied.

l'm taXiing.

-Let me know when it's clear. -Okay.

Runway clear.

Roger, 747.

Air traffic?

Problem, 747?

There will be if we don't leave on time.

l don't want us to land where we don't want to.

We're working on the opening for you now.

They're here.

The same two guys l told you about, but you wouldn't listen.

Now what do we do?

Ey, la puerta.

Caramba, este muchacho.

Vamos, vamos, vamos. Mira, que ya es tarde.

El tres, dos, siete, seis, siete.

-?Estas seguro? -Si.

Ya ves, ?no?

Esta rojo todavia esta rojo.

E. . .E. . . Yo se que 2, 27.

2, 27?

-Y el tres. -Y nada.

Ah, pues. Si yo se el numero.

No, yo voy. Un momento.

Tres, siete, nueve, cinco.

!Aha! !Y eso esta rojo todavia!

Ya esta bien. Yo lo voy a buscar.

Desgraciado que eres.

-Te digo que -- -No, no, no, no. Si siempre esta.

Este muchacho. Mira, yo no se que estas haciendo.

l think they forgot something. They're coming back.

Esta por -- el librito estaba por aqui.

Mira, pues, no esta ahi. No esta.

Ya ves que no esta, ?verdad? No esta, no esta, no esta.

No esta el librito ese, el cuaderno ese.

-Oh, el librito. -Si.

El librito ese.

!Ahi esta! ?Ya viste? Desgraciado.

[ Banging ]

Cuatro enter.

Ahi esta, aha.

!Ahora si! ?Ya viste?

Baboso, panzon, desgraciado.

They're coming in!

Come on. We got to go.

Hide! Jump in the safe!

l don't believe he just said that.

Mira, no se puede comprar nada con $20.

Oh, my God, l'm heartily sorry for having offended thee.

We got to get out through the emergency exit.

That alarm will wake up the whole neighborhood!

And those private cops are trigger-happy!

l can't open this freaking thing.

Ya, vamos.

You got it.

Let's get the gold. Watch out.

-Pull it out. -Give me the bag.

Oh, Jesus.

Come on!

Can't you even hold a bag open?

Murph, get back here!

Come on. Hurry up.

? Ves?

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, please. Please, God.

Positive. You can't trick me with colors.

Oh, let's go.

Where did he go?

Murph!

Come on, George!

Mary, mother of God, pray for our sins now

and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Caramba, ?que estas. . .? Con cuidado, hombre. ?Que es esto?

Oye, ?tu sabes que no tienes nalga ninguna?

-What the hell are you doing? -l'm getting us out of here.

He's gonna get us shot in the alley, that's what he's doing.

This is one thing in life l do know, George.

Best troubleshooter they ever had, and they framed me.

Why don't we just shut the power?

We shut the power and the regulator

will shoot the signal to the alarm company.

Danny, there's three of us and there's two of them.

Let's just run right past them!

l said nobody gets hurt. Keep going, Murph.

?Y esto?

Come on.

Done.

Let's go.

Do it, Sinitsky.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Birds chirping ]

NURSE: Can l help you?

-Here to see our aunt. -Oh, right.

-Aunt Vee. -Aunt Vee.

Hey! [ Chuckles ]

How are you?

Thanks to God.

Just spoke to the doctor.

He said in a couple of days, you'll go home.

Yeah, big deal!

Did he tell you about the stint they got to leave in me

to leave the artery open?

Yeah, and look at all the pills l got to take.

[ Sighs ] Looks like a goddamn pharmacy over here.

You'll be fine.

We brought you something we think you're gonna like.

-Oh? -Ready?

Hey, you fixed it. How you do that?

Armond knew this prop guy, huh? Pretty good, right?

Yeah, they fixed it. You can't even see the "Z."

Very nice. Thank you, boys.

[ Sighs ] All these presents l got -- maybe l should get sick more often.

God forbid.

There's Katherine's flowers. See what Lou brought me?

A box of candy shaped like a heart.

Lou stopped by?

Yeah, was just here. You missed him.

That's nice.

Yeah, you know, the customers,

they really miss your cooking, Aunt Vee.

Yeah, they keep saying George is trying to poison them.

l'm just trying to keep the doors open, okay?

[ Laughter ]

l want yous to take over the restaurant.

What?

Get a good chef, do it your way.

We'll be partners.

l'll take 25%, and when you start doing good,

you can buy me out at a fair price.

And Peppe stays.

Wait, uh -- of course.

Yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

Don't worry, Aunt Vee. We're not gonna let you down.

l'm not worried.

You don't even know why l never took you in as a partner.

You never figured it out, did you?

No, l understood that you had your own ideas.

You know, way of doing things, you know.

l didn't want you to pour your blood into a restaurant,

'cause that's what would have happened, that's who you'd be.

And the voice that filled my soul with angels

would be quiet forever.

You got a gift that's only good when you give it away.

You make people fall in love. You patch them up when they fight.

That's got to be better than any restaurant.

l don't want you to lose that.

Never forget who you are.

You got it, Aunt Vee.

[ Sighs ]

Do a good job.

And if you screw me, l'll saw your legs off.

[ Both laugh ]

All right, let's see what we got here.

We're gonna lose the wall, relocate the bar,

stage construction, soundproof the backdrop,

complete rewiring,

rainbow lighting with dual spotlights,

sound system, and speakers installed,

labor and material -- $47,548.

We'll round it off to $47,500.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's way too steep.

Come on, the last guy came in with $42,000.

You know what? You get what you pay for.

l can't drop this a buck.

How about $44,000 cash?

Start work on Monday.

Guy's a thief.

So are we.

* Life could be a dream *

* lf l could take you up in paradise up above *

* lf you would tell me l'm the only one that you love *

* Life could be a dream, sweetheart *

* Hello, hello again *

* Sh-boom and hoping we'll meet again, boom *

[ Scatting ]

You lied to me, Jim.

About what?

About this.

This didn't come from a smelting plant.

What's the difference? lt's gold, ain't it?

The difference -- this is fool's gold.

-You know the guy? -What guy?

-Did you open your big mouth? -No!

-Phoul. -Who's fool?

-The guy. -What guy?

You mean F-O-O-L.

Well, how else do you spell it?

This is junk.

Nickel and some other metals mixed together with 1 1 % gold.

Dentists use this. lt's an alloy.

Real gold would squash in your mouth.

But it's got to be worth something.

Yeah. $1 ,468 each.

And that's it.

-Are you trying to chump us here? -What are talking about?

How do we know he's not full of shit?

Armond, you better straighten out your friends here.

You're the one that needs to be straightened out!

Danny, relax. He's not like that. l'll vouch for him.

Vouch for him, my ass! You see the house he lives in?!

Yeah, he's rich!

-Now, look, that's not my house. -What do you mean it's not yours?

l don't live there!

l just tend the cars and do a little security work.

My friend J.P. lets me house-sit while he's in Europe with his family.

Three months ago,

l was filling up on fruit snacks and ramen noodles.

We're all on the same barrel of the shotgun here, fellas.

[ Bird squawks ]

Toulio was your friend, Armond!

You weren't straight with him about the dentist!

Come on, you guys. lt's nobody's fault.

Maybe l can get money from my new attorney.

Forget the lawyer, would you please, Murph?

Will you guys stop with this now?

Just stop with it.

Murph, how much to make some changes in the restaurant,

put in a stage, sound system, stuff like that?

Just the materials?

DANNY: Yeah, you know, ballpark figure.

We go to Home Depot, get the materials.

We get paint, tools, wood.

Tools are expensive, but if we rent them,

it could cost us like around 7, 9 grand.

What are you doing?

George, how much to get your tooth fixed, not with that crook?

You know, you go to a clinic, get it done right. How much?

l don't know. l could do it for $600.

Okay, there.

Thanks, Danny.

Armond, how much is your insurance?

Since l didn't earn enough, about $300 a month.

Would you be all right with two months?

What am l gonna do after that?

Aunt Vee gave us 75% of the restaurant.

We'll make it work for all of us.

Give me two months.

Attaboy.

l'll take $600 for Brion's teeth,

and l'll give Murph -- l'll give you 600 bucks?

Oh, no, no, no. Give me $200.

-You sure? -Yeah, stupid parking ticket.

That's the spirit.

Well, l got a few problems.

The first problem is, who knows how to do all this work?

l do. lf we all work together, l'll show you what to do.

All right, sounds good.

And would somebody open up the window, please?

l'm dying in here.

And we're $4,000 to $5,000 short.

What?

Maybe not.

[ Engine shuts off ]

Hey.

Oh, hi.

Brion, your dad's here.

His teeth, like l said.

Give this to the dentist for a down payment

and l'll have the rest in 60 days.

Actually, his teeth are already done.

Brad did it.

BRlON: Daddy!

Hey!

[ Laughs ]

Brion, show daddy your teeth.

Wow.

They look great.

Okay, go get your stuff.

Go ahead, sweetheart.

[ Door closes ]

Then use this for his piano lessons.

Okay.

l hope you're not upset, Danny.

No, l'm okay.

'Cause Brad's really a nice guy.

He did it without even batting an eye, even after his lab was broken into.

What?

Yeah, he and his partners, they got robbed.

[ Laughs ]

lt's not funny, Danny.

[ Laughs ]

Why are you laughing? lt's not funny.

[ Laughing ]

* Now that light that's from the window *

* Just made for a street-corner symphony *

* They don't sing, they don't dance *

* That music means so much to me *

* Singing that soul to soul *

* Soul to soul *

* Brother to brother *

* A cappella *

* Well, it sounds good to me *

* Singing that soul to soul *

* Soul to soul *

* Brother to brother *

* A cappella *

* Well, it sounds good to me *

* There's a sound in the neighborhood *

* And it's sounding mighty good *

* There's those guys standing under the light *

* They're gonna sing again tonight *

* Singing that sweet old a cappella *

* The words, they sound so doggone sweet *

* They don't sing, they don't dance *

* That music means so much to me *

* Singing that soul to soul *

* Soul to soul *

* Brother to brother *

* A cappella *

* Well, it sounds good to me *

* Singing that soul to soul *

* Soul to soul *

* Brother to brother *

* A cappella *

* Well, it sounds good to me *

* Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey *

* Whenever l see you *

* l feel so hazy *

* You make me crazy *

* And it's true *

[ Groans, exhales sharply ]

* l love you *

-Oh. Katherine. -Yeah.

You're still here.

Go home -- go home and get some sleep, honey.

-Go home. -Danny.

-Danny, can l ask you something? -Huh?

-l just wanted to ask you -- -Yeah, just make it quick.

-Don't say anything to George, okay? -No, l won't say anything.

l just wanted to ask you, like, how come George doesn't like me?

What are you talking about? He thinks you're great.

No, l mean how come he never asks me out?

Oh, l see what you're talking about.

Uh, it's just. . . . You know. . . .

Look, l mean, you're very beautiful and all that, okay?

But he thinks you're, like, a little bit too skinny.

That's -- that's all.

Too skinny?

Yeah, l mean, that's his --

You know, he likes girls that are a little hefty.

That's always been his preference.

[ Buzzer sounds ]

That's -- that's -- that's Armond.

-Would you get him and bring him in? -Okay.

He's gonna eat us into bankruptcy.

No, he's just bringing us some stuff we need.

Hey, thanks, Danny. Thanks.

[ Buzzer sounding ]

-That's Armond. -l'll get it.

Good night, George.

Good night.

[ Door closes ]

-George? -Hmm?

George!

What the hell is going on?

-Put up your pants! -My pants?

Up! Up!

-He means your hands. -Oh.

You paisano?

[ Speaks ltalian ]

-Depasquale. -Depasquale? No, l'm Zucco.

Ah, Zucco.

[ Speaks ltalian ]

-Easy, Pop. -What the hell's the matter with you, Pop?

You're gonna hurt somebody with that.

Not with this he can't. lt's plastic.

Plastic?! Are you nuts?! We got no money here!

Hey, he can't understand you.

Wait a minute. Zorro?

Si.

Zorro. Can you believe this?

[ Speaking ltalian ]

What is he saying?

All l got is "police" and "life."

No, he said that, to go ahead and call the police.

He doesn't care anymore. His life is over anyway.

Katherine, l didn't know you speak ltalian.

We all have our secrets, George.

[ Speaking ltalian ]

Okay, he said he worked his whole life,

and he lost his job.

[ Speaking ltalian ]

His wife got sick last year.

[ Speaking ltalian ]

And he lost all of his savings.

[ Speaking ltalian ]

She died.

l'll get him a drink.

[ Speaking ltalian ]

He never took money, only food from the kitchen.

[ Speaking ltalian ]

They embellished the whole thing.

[ Speaking ltalian ]

Especially you.

Ohh!

What's wrong?

[ Speaking ltalian ]

He says there's too much garlic, not enough oregano,

and the pasta's way too mushy.

[ Speaking ltalian ]

What did he say?

What did you ask him?

[ Buzzer sounds ]

Oh. That better be Armond.

Mmm.

[ Speaking ltalian ]

Very good.

We got a chef.

Salute.

Salute!

Yo, George, come on, give us a hand. There's a ton of stuff in the truck.

Danny, we got big problems. There's a guy inside.

-He wants to talk to us. -About what?

A certain thing. You know.

Ray.

l heard you're looking for a singer.

lt's been too long.

And l can get some of our old band members. . .

if you want.

Let's put on a show.

lt's good to see you, Lou.

You sneaky bastards.

Anybody got their boxing gloves?

[ Laughter ]

* Tonight *

* Doo-wop, doo-wop-wop, doo-wop *

* Could be the night *

* Doo-wop, doo-wop-wop, doo-wop *

* To hear her say *

* "Darling, l do" *

* Doo-wop, doo-wop-wop *

* And tonight *

* Could be the ni-i-i-ght *

* To get the ring *

* Around your finger *

* Oh, my darling *

* Hold me tight *

* And tonight *

* Just could be the night *

* Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba *

* Yeah *

* Tonight *

* Doo-wop, doo-wop-wop, doo-wop *

* Could be the night *

* To fall in love *

* With someone like you *

lt's useless for me to go up there.

lt would look like an old burlesque show.

Come on, just give us five minutes.

l can't. l need feedback. There's nobody to laugh.

Since when has that stopped you?

Who's gonna stop me when l break your jaw?

Come on, Armond, l was only kidding.

lf you're so funny, why don't you go up and do it?

LOU: Hey, lighten up, fellas.

KATHERlNE: Well, l think all you guys look great.

GEORGE: Yeah, all dressed up and nowhere to go.

You know what? Let's do it.

Yeah, let's do it.

-l'm in. -Me, too.

That's what l like to hear.

To us.

To us!

* Tonight *

* Doo-wop, doo-wop-wop, doo-wop *

* Could be the night *

* To fall in love *

* With someone like you *

* Oh, my darling *

* Hold me tight *

* And tonight. . . *

Excuse me. Who's the proprietor here?

What? We are.

ABC Board. We're closing you down.

Wait a minute. What does that mean?

What's going on?

lt means you didn't renew your liquor license.

lt means you got a hefty fine coming.

Hold on, that's a total misunderstanding.

Our aunt owns this place.

And she got sick, and she forgot to tell us about the renewal.

-lt's a misunderstanding, guys. -All right!

Tell it to the state board when you appear before them.

The date is on this summons.

Oh, man. Geez.

You know, let us do one song for my kid, please?

He's right over there. Just one song.

l'm sorry. No.

-One song for my kid, please? -Hey, l can't help you.

Hey, cheech, chooch!

Let them play one song. What would it hurt?

l'm gonna have to ask everybody to vacate the premises.

-What's going on here? -Now, sir!

-You're not serious, are you? -Who are you?! Get out!

-Let's go. Everybody. -Come on, let's go. Everyone.

LOU: l'm gonna call a lawyer. l'm gonna call two frigging lawyers.

l got two frigging lawyers l'm gonna call.

You know, no matter what, it's good to see you guys again.

l really mean that.

We got a lot to talk about, huh, Ray?

Oh, yeah.

We got stories that'll make your hair stand up.

l got some stories, too.

Hey, it's not like we're through. You guys are great.

[ Telephone ringing ]

We got a setback, that's all.

Yeah, we have terrific food.

Yeah, so terrific l'm putting on some weight. Can you tell?

Come on, Katherine.

You could eat a horse, nobody would notice.

Nobody gonna answer that?!

Aunt Vee!

[ Ringing continues ]

Look at this.

Hey, did the doctor say you could be up already?

l'm not going anyplace yet.

[ Sighs ]

You guys did some job. l'm impressed!

You're not upset?

l'm upset with myself

for not reminding yous about the license!

l'm gonna give you the money, so now go take care of it!

-Hey, hey! -All right!

All right!

Hey, Ray! lt's great to have you back!

You too, Aunt Vee. You look great.

Boy, l wish l had her genes.

You're in the newspaper!

Listen to this headline --

"Let them sing just one song."

-ls that the Times? -Yes.

"That's all this reporter asked last Friday night

when the state ABC Board acted in a Gestapo manner

for a mere technicality,

depriving my wife and myself of an evening with The Dukes."

Give me that.

This could be good publicity.

That's great.

He talks about nostalgia, about an oldies club. . . .

He's one guy.

One guy with a newspaper column -- Danny.

Why are you so negative?

l'm not negative. l'm realistic.

You better go down and pay that license tomorrow,

'cause if it goes on like this

you're gonna have to do a second show.

The answering machine's loaded. l just took two reservations.

The first one was for 1 0. The second one's for 17.

Do you believe this?

-Come on, we're back in business! -l will drink to that.

l'm gonna have a big drink.

Let's drink up!

Some Patron now!

[ Telephone ringing ]

Doo Wop Cafe.

[ lndistinct conversations ]

[ Laughter ]

l hate small portions.

The other day l go to a restaurant. l order filet mignon.

The waiter brings it to me. Five minutes later, he comes back.

He goes, "Sir, how did you find your steak?"

l said, "By accident!

l moved a French fry, and it was sitting there!"

[ Laughter ]

lt wasn't big enough to cut with a knife.

l tried to swallow it whole -- it got caught in my windpipe!

lt took 40 people to give me the Heimlich maneuver.

One person joined in,

he thought it was Hands Across America.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you.

We got some celebrities here tonight.

Put your hands together right over here

for Chuck and Bob from The Regents!

Stand up, take a bow, guys!

Great rock-'n'-roll band.

And l want to mention right now columnist Harry Basil.

lf it wasn't for his column

a lot of you people wouldn't be here tonight!

Thank you, Harry.

Well, without further ado,

let's hear it for one of the greatest vocal groups of the '60s --

The Dukes!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ lntro to "So Much ln Love" plays ]

[ Fingers snapping ]

* As we stroll along together *

* Holding hands, walking all alone *

* Ooh, ooh, whee, ooh *

* So in lo-- * [ Whirring ]

MAN: What happened?

Murph! Murph!

Check the fuse box!

[ Alarm wailing in distance ]

-MAN 2: lt's not the fuse box. -GEORGE: Do you believe this?

-DANNY: L.A. blackout. -MAN 3: Do it a cappella!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

[ Applause ]

Sing, Daddy!

Hey, go ahead, boys -- sing!

[ Cheering ]

Butch. Count down.

[ Fingers snapping ]

* As we stroll along together *

* Holding hands, walking all alone *

* Ooh, ooh, whee, ooh *

* So in love are we two *

* That we don't know what to do *

* So in love *

* Do, so in love *

* ln a world of our own *

* Do, so in love *

* As we stroll by the sea together *

* Under stars, twinkling high above *

* Ooh, ooh, whee, ooh *

* So in love are we two *

* No one else but me and you *

* So in love *

* Do, so in love *

* So much in love *

* Do, so in love *

* So in love *

* Do, so in love *

* So much in love *

* Do, so in love *

* We stroll along together *

* Do-do do *

* l tell you l need you, oh, so much *

* Do-do do *

* l love, love you, my darling *

* Can you tell it in my touch? *

* When we walk down the aisle together *

* We will vow to be together till we die *

* Ooh, ooh, whee, ooh *

* So much love have we two *

* Just can't wait to say "l do" *

* So in love *

* Do, so in love *

* Are you and l *

* Do, you and l *

* So in love *

* Do, so in love *

* Are you and l *

* Do, you and l *

* So in love *

* Do, so in love *

* Are you and l *

* Ooh, ooh, whoo-ooh-ooh *

All right, guys.

[ lntro to the Earls' "Remember Then" plays ]

* Re-mem-mem, re-mem-mem-mem-ber *

* Then, then, remember then *

* Whoa, whoa-oh-oh *

* Oh, whoo *

[ Vocalizing ]

* Then, then, remember then *

* That night we fell in love *

* Beneath the stars above *

* That was a lovely summer night *

* Remember then, then, then, then, then *

* Remember, re-mem-mem, re-mem-mem-mem-ber *

* Re-mem-mem, re-mem-mem-mem-ber *

* Remember then *

* Summer's over *

* Our love is over *

* To lose that love was such a sin *

* Remember then, then, then, then, then *

* Remember, re-mem-mem, mem-mem-mem-mem-ber *

* Our love is in the past *

* Patta-past *

* Oh, has it gone so fast *

* Patta-past *

* Why couldn't our love last? *

* Can't last *

* Wop, wop, patta patta pop-pop *

* Shoo-wop-do bop bop, ooh *

* l'm broken-hearted now *

* Since we have parted now *

* My mind wanders now and then *

* Remember then, then, then, then, then *

* Remember, re-mem-mem, re-mem-mem-mem-ber *

* Whoa, whoa-oh-oh *

* Remember then *

* Oh, whoo, hoo-ooh-ooh *

* Whoo-hoo *

* Whoo-hoo-hoo *

[ Vocalizing ]

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]