Original subtitles

SATURNALIA

(thunderous applause)

Thank you, Sally, for that piece on caterpillars

and how they create their cocoons.

I mean, I wasn't interested before but now I am.

Our next guest is...

The world famous artist and author...

You know him as the creator of the hit comic book series: SATURNALIA.

Melvin Kolbaba, welcome to our show.

Thank you so very much for having me, Warren.

It's a pleasure to be here.

You know you are a multi-billionaire...

And you have sold over 250 million copies of this latest series...

And I don't think people are aware that you are also a burlesque dancer...

...a very successful one!

Yes, I gotta admit even as a kid I wanted to do two things:

and that was to be a cartoonist and an exotic dancer.

What can I say?

What is the secret behind your success?

Sometimes you gotta grab a hold of the strings of life

and bend them to suit your own reality.

Good advice.

Thank you.

(applause)

Okay, so this Satur-NAY-lia... or is it NAHLIA?

Whatever you're in the mood for.

Alright, Saturnalia...

She is a cavewoman from outer space.

Yes, that's correct.

Now, the viewers want to know... we've gotten letters...

Will she ever defeat her evil twin sister

and that dastardly henchman: Igor?

I'm sorry but you're just going to have to wait and find out.

We thought we'd find out today...

Alright, so one last question...

We have time I think for one more...

How do the viewers invest in this series?

I think the easiest way would be to buy the first issue

and then you get the second issue absolutely free.

But what if I only have enough money for my pizza?

I'm sorry?

My pizza?

Pepperoni, sausage, anchovies?

Oh, oh, the pizza!

Yes, of course! Let me get it for you.

Here you go: fresh out of the oven... nice and HOT.

Made with love.

Are you sure you're not interested in the comic book?

I'll consider it.

Oh! Well, thank you!

Yes!

(Reber Clark's music starts)

Well, Nalia: We got one!

I'm feeling really good about this one.

Today is going to be a really great day.

(Saturnalia theme plays)

30 minutes and it's free? It's been an hour and a freakin' half!

Wife's in there... she's already passed out on the freakin' couch!

It was going to be pizza and a movie... but no!

Movie's already over!

No pizza. Cold pizza. Look at this crap!

The pizza is harder than the box that you put it in!!

(door closes)

(music continues)

(explosion)

(eerie music)

(rain drops)

(lightning)

(electrical noise)

Theme song: "Who is the one that will save us?"

"Who is the one that's outrageous?"

"Does she have a flashing eye?"

"Is her bra a giant size??"

"Will her fur bikini terrify the bravest?"

(Melvin singing) Saturnalia! Saturnalia!

(Melvin clears his throat)

(Music rises)

Speaker: Melvin Kolbaba to Mr. Marx's office.

Melvin Kolbaba to Mr. Marx's office.

(Italian music)

(Melvin whistling)

Mr. Marx: Look at this.

You're in the supply closet for 45 minutes! What are you doing in there?

To be fair, sir, that was my lunch break.

Ah tatatatata!

Son, did you happen to fall on your head recently?

This?

This isn't right.

This is digusting.

It's weird.

I assure you, sir, I was only eating my lunch and working on my cartoons.

Your what?

My cartoons. I'm a comic book artist... well, an aspiring one anyway...

I have a few here...

This is a character I've created.

Her name's Saturnalia. She's a cavegirl from outer space.

She fights crime and she has an arch nemesis, Ilsa.

It's a lot of fun.

You drew these cartoons?

Yes sir.

You drew all these cartoons?

Yes sir.

I hope to turn professional one day.

Mel...

May I call you Mel?

Yes sir.

Look around you.

You're not being paid to draw cartoons all day.

Got it?!

Yes sir. I got it.

(sad music)

Oh, crap!

(thunder clap)

It's been described as one of the most puzzling cases in modern history...

Allie Mamoulian.

Terry Goodman.

Cinnamon Twist.

These are just a few of the many young, beautiful fashion models found dead.

Covered in thick layers of concrete for no apparent reason.

Police are baffled.

The public is baffled.

For the next hour and a half,

We'll talk to the friends and neighbors of these lost souls..

Hopefully uncovering the secret of:

The Medusa Killer.

Hey!

What have I told you about personal space?

Sorry! Jeez, it won't happen again.

TV: Look, I'm going to be straight up with you, here.

I've been on the force for the last fifteen years or so...

This is an unprecedented case that we're dealing with here.

They had brought me and Detective Sandusky on the case

about the first several months into the investigation.

We thought we were close to closing the case about a year in...

This mechanic at this mechanic shop by the name of Scott over on Pooler Street...

We were close but his alibi was too concrete: a lot like these victims.

THERE I AM, MELVIN! THERE I AM!

TV: I just saw Jackie last week. We went for brunch as per usual.

I've known Jackie since high school.

We were both in acting together. She always wanted to be just like me.

Obviously who wouldn't?

God, I just...

Thank you.

Jackie. If you're up there listening...

We all miss you down here.

I can't. This is too much. This is too much.

Ugh, I hate this commercial!

(Pirate laughing hysterically)

Finally! I have found it!

My booty!

Awh, heahheaaheaaaa YEAH!

Captain Hooker's House of Burlesque!

We've got the gnarliest wenches in the seven seas!

All we need is you.

Sign up for our new talent show!

C'mon down and show us what you got!

Y'know, I've always secretly wanted to be a burlesque dancer. Why don't you and I...?

Just a thought.

(pirate hysterically laughing)

C'mon down to Captain Hooker's House of Burlesque!

And have yourself a whale of a time!

Ahahahaha! Gold doubloons! Hahahaa!

(mysterious music and rain)

Why don't you just come off of it already, Sheppard?

You've been at this for the last 25 hours.

There has to be a connection here, Phil.

There's something...

There's something that he's trying to tell me and I'm not seeing it.

(thunder clap)

Look, you haven't got any sleep in the past three days.

Why don't you take a load off?

How can I sleep at a time like this?

When every second that passes by another woman is put in danger...

and we're not doing a damn thing about it!

Alright! Alright! Just cool your engines.

Why don't you just go eat some fruit or something?

Remember what Chief Flanagan said?

(thunder rumbles)

You're right, Phil.

You're absolutely right.

I'm not looking at this with a clear head.

Hell, I've made so many connections...

I'm on my last roll of yarn.

So, let's see...

We have a crazy madman who's also a history buff...

and he has a possible M.O. in photography that's allowing him

to get close to the victims to begin with.

And on top of that, he leaves no witnesses nor any damn prints

at the scene of the crime!

DAMMIT!

At this point, he's mocking us Phil.

Did I tell you about the letter he sent to the station?

Get a load of this.

"Dear cops: You suck."

"Me: Big Killer. LOL"

"HAHA HA HA HAHA"

And then it's just nine paragraphs of the word "Haha" over and over.

(telephone rings)

Great. Just what I need!

What, Martha? I'm very busy here!

Get this: It's another "Medusa Killer."

Please hold.

Do me a favor: Take this from me.

Yeah, I got this.

MEDUSA KILLER: Agent Sandusky. Did you get my letter?

Jesus! He knows about the letter!

Keep him on the line! Keep him on the line!

MEDUSA KILLER: I said did you get my letter?

Yeah, we got your letter Medusa Killer.

MEDUSA KILLER: Good.

MEDUSA KILLER: I loved your interviews on the documentary by the way.

MEDUSA KILLER: I can feel my leather gloves wrapping around the next victim's throat.

You listen here you son of a bitch...

You name the time and the place and I'll be there within seconds to book you...

DO YOU HEAR ME!

(dial tone)

Dammit!

Don't worry, Sheppard. He's bound to slip up sometime.

We'll get him.

(heroic music)

BAAM!

Bzzzt!

Bzzzt!

(pencil breaks)

(pencil sharpener sound)

(pencil breaks again)

(pencil sharpener sound)

(fire sfx)

(triumphant music begins to build)

Sulphuric vision! That's the key.

Sulphuric vision is what she has... that's her superpower!

Why didn't I think of that before?

Yeah, great idea.

So, how's the pasta?

Yeah, about that.

Check, please! To go!

Yeah, for me to!

Uh, Melvin...

Listen, I think...

I think we should start seeing other people.

Wh... wh... what?

I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but...

I just really think...

We should break up.

Our lives are just going in different directions, you know.

Yours: straight down... and I'm going straight up.

And, y'know, I've got places to go and people to meet...

...actually very soon.

Look, I just cant do with these comic books and these cartoons...

I mean, c'mon are you twelve??

But, Agnes comics are my life. You know this.

Y'know, that's just not me. That's just not my thing.

Well, what is your thing?

I mean...

Clothes!

I can't keep living in this fairy tale that you've drawn out.

This is real life, Melvin. Okay? Not a fantasy playbook world.

I mean, look at that girl you've drawn up.

Really?!

Those tits are totally not real.

(Agnes' phone buzzes)

Oh, well my ride is here so...

You got this right?

Sorry, Mel. It just was never going to work out between us.

Bye!

Look at you.

Look at you, Melvin.

You look awful.

What is going on?

My...

EeeeeAAAAAhhhhhhh...

I thought you could bring it.

I guess I was wrong.

Do you know how many Melvins are out there begging to work here?

Nah. You had your chance.

I want you out of here by the end of the day.

Thank you, sir.

Melvin...

Word of advice.

Get it together, man!

(door opens)

(Melvin SLAMS into wall)

(sad music and thunder rumbles)

Hello?

Hey, Melvin! You're still delivering those pizzas, right?

What?

The thirteen pizzas to the science lab?

Hello?

Melvin?

Are you there?

What's the address?

(Thunder and lightning against intense music)

(Evil and mysterious music)

(Loud machinery sounds)

VOICE: My fellow scientists...

...colleagues...

...ladies and gentlemen.

What you are about to see may indeed by the solution to world hunger.

Unbeliveable as it may sound... I am speaking the truth.

May I present to you: The Hydromatic Replicator 3000.

(Phone rings)

(Phone rings again)

Hello?

MELVIN: Yes, hi! I'm downstairs with your pizza? I'm from Pizza H...

My apologies, Doctor. It appears we were cut off for a moment there...

Would you mind repeating that please?

Of course.

My fellow scientists. What you are about to see may indeed be the solution to world hunger.

(Phone rings again)

Yes?

Uh, yeah, hi. I'm downstairs with your pizza. Two hundred dollars...

Leave it at the door!

No, you don't understand there is still something...

My apologies, Doctor. We appear to be having some technical difficulties. Would you mind?

My fellow scientists...

(PHONE RINGS AGAIN!)

The Hydromatic Replicator 3000.

Capable of instantly replicating any object it comes in contact with.

We shall demonstrate on this ordinary apple.

Alright, hurry up. I don't actually have all day.

You know what? I forgot my wallet in the lab so I'll be right back.

Hey, wait. I got a question for you.

What do you guys actually do here?

Well...

I could tell you, but... y'know...

(comedic decaptiation sounds)

I'll be right back.

VOICE: Mark and remember, ladies and gentlemen.

In a few moments we shall have twenty-five apples.

Perfectly healthy and ready to be consumed.

Now imagine if you will: one loaf of bread instantly transformed into thousands of loaves.

Starvation will become a thing of the past.

Okay! Sorry about that. How much did you say it was?

Um, I think it was...

Okay, here you go. Get yourself something nice.

Thank you.

Ready when you are, Doctor!

Thank you, Doctor. Glasses on.

(Buzzer sounds)

(intense music rises)

(music continues to rise)

(laser technology sounds)

Initiate testing in three...

...two...

...one...

Fire!

(BBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!)

(Machine slowing down)

Observe, ladies and gentlemen: twenty-five apples.

Doctor...

I don't think it worked.

What?!

We'll have to get back with you, just a moment please.

Everyone, to the drawing room!

(slow music begins)

(thunder clap)

Let me tell you something, Warren.

I was at the end of my rope.

No job, no girlfriend, no life...

And a machine that could replicate anything - are you kidding me?

Was I going to let this opportunity pass me by? No!

Sometimes you gotta grab a hold of the strings of life and bend them to suit your own reality!

This was going to be my reality and no one was going to stop me!

I thought you could bring it...

I guess I was wrong...

This is real life, Melvin! Okay? Not a fantasy playbook world.

(music rises)

Guys?!

GUYS!!??

(Herrmann-esque chase music)

(building alarm sounds)

Yeah, hi, Doctor?

It's looking like we're going to have to... uh...

...maybe, um...

...postpone the testing until further notice.

We stepped out of the room for just a moment and...

The guy that delivered our pizza kinda took the gun and we don't know where he's at.

What did you say??

The pizza man took the gun and we don't know where he's at and I'm sorry.

You have got to find it before it falls into the wrong hands. Do you understand me?

FIND IT!

Okie.

What are you doing, Melvin?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

You think this is a good idea?

You think this is a brilliant idea?

You never cease to amaze me, Melvin.

What have you done?

Oh, yes, officer. I knew from the get-go that Melvin would be a criminal.

As if his art wasn't a crime enough.

Me, as an upcoming actress/model...

I could sense the character development and changes in Melvin.

A darker side was overcoming him.

It was only going to be sooner or later before he did something like this.

I honestly haven't spoken to him since our breakup, as you know, so...

I'm glad I could get out when I could.

Yes, sir. His name was Melvin Kul-baba.

Kolbaba.

Weird kid if you ask me.

You know, I'd catch him around here drawing those cartoons.

Just wasting his life away on those things.

Honestly, if you ask me, I believe that fella was two cranks left of a rusty pipe.

If you know what I mean.

So, yeah! I let him go.

Yeah, I let him go.

You know what? Lemme get you that address 'cause I've got it right here.

I'm sure he'll be home... I'm certain of it.

(rain and thunder)

(mysterious music)

(gun is switched on)

(music begins to rise)

(BBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!)

(rain outside)

(sounds of a shower)

(heavenly music)

(confused but nervously excited music)

(multiple cameras clicking)

(runway model music)

(Agnes' phone buzzing)

What is it, Melvin?

Yeah, Agnes, I think I'm in trouble can you help me? I...

Wrong number!

Hello?

Hello?

Son of a gun.

(door opens)

No, no, no! Don't sit there!

Oh, hello! Yes...

Okay, alright, yeah, you're very strong aren't you?

Yes, alright, let go! Let go.

Yes, hi: lovely to meet you.

Okay, let go...

(fingers cracking)

Okay, look at you!

You are quite the woman, aren't you?

Jesus Christ.

Okay, breathe, Melvin. It's alright.

You just happened to make a cartoon character come to life.

There's a perfectly logical explanation for the people at the factory, alright?

(laser beam sounds)

BBZZZZZZZZZTTTTT!

No!

No!

NO!

Bad cave-girl. Don't even think about it...

No...

BZZZZTTTT!

You stop that right now!

Don't you dare do that laser thing on my pants...

My pants are staying on, understand?

Yes, they are! Yes, they are!

Look! What's that over there?

BZZZZTTTT!

Get back!

This is a laser gun that will zap you into a million pieces... don't make me use it on you.

Because I will. I WILL!

Oh, man.

They are going to be so pissed.

I'm a dead man. I am such a dead man.

My life is over.

This is the end.

I feel the darkness closing in around me. I am so...

(Saturnalia purring)

...dead.

Wow. That's good.

(Melvin singing in the other room)

"Oh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found thee!"

"Oh, I know at last the secret of it all!"

No.

No, this is wrong. This is wrong!

Men and pieces of paper should not be doing this.

I'm going to transform you back into a cartoon.

Alright, alright! But we'll at least have to find you something to wear.

Not that.

Let me think of something.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

Open up! We know you're in there!

Oh... my... God.

Dammit!

We lost another one.

We're too late!

Who could have done this evil thing?!

(electric zapping noise)

Oh my God!

(victim coughing)

It's okay!

Where am I?

It's okay.

My name is Detective Sandusky.

We found you here. You were just covered in concrete.

Ma'am, my name is Detective Sheppard.

Do you remember how you got here?

Do you remember what happened leading up to here?

The man who did this to you... do you remember what he looked like?

Do you remember if he had any facial marks or tattoos?

DO YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING?!

SPEAK TO ME, DUMMY, SPEAK! THINK!

...No!

(car passing by)

MELVIN: We'll just say I made a mistake, alright?

Uh huh. Yes. Okay.

Now I can't see. Alright. Uh huh.

(LOUD RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Yes, that's the radio.

Why don't you look at those for a bit?

You're in there. Do you recognize yourself?

Yeah! That's you!

There's a whole bunch in there.

(intense Ilsa theme)

Yeah, I know. I know: evil.

Okay, there's a turn up here but I'm not sure if it's left or right.

Thanks.

I need those to drive.

Thank you.

Alright, now let's see here:

If Chapin goes down that way then that means...

Hey... hey... HEY!

No! What are you doing?!

Get back here.

Get back here right now.

Don't make me come over there.

Stop it!

Get over here.

Get over here right now.

Come here!

Get over here right now

Haaawww my Gawwwd!

Don't make me turn you back into a...

BBBZZZZTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

What the hell?

BBZZZZZTTTTTTTTT!!!!

BBZZZZTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

(intense music)

(ethereal operatic soprano)

BBBZZZTTTTTTTT!!!!

Sorry!

Hey!

Need a hand?

Uh, no thanks.

Have one.

Thanks very much.

(car engine)

AGNES VOICEMAIL: Hi, you've reached Agnes.

I can't reach the phone right now but leave your name and number

and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Thanks, babe.

Byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeee.

I'm sorry, my dear. I'm going to take their advice and give you up.

You and your fur bikini have brought me nothing but trouble.

For my sake, from now on, I'll only be drawing wildlife and landscapes.

No more cleavage.

Ever.

That's it. No more cleavage.

I won't even let the thought enter my brain.

Aaoooww Gawd!

Oh, Lord. Please help me.

Show me the way. Give me a sign.

Show me that there is more to life than just boobs.

(Angelic singing)

Thank you.

(coffee bubbling)

She's still in shock.

It's too bad she's not going to be talking to us for a while.

DAMMIT!

And we were so close this time too.

That was our biggest lead yet in catching the guy.

So where do we go from here?

Well, I just got off the phone with the front desk.

The only other person that was signed in on their ledger last night

was a guy by the name of Melvin Kolbaba.

The only thing that they know is that he's a pizza delivery guy.

Pizza delivery guy? How does that help us?

(phone vibrating)

Yeah?

What was stolen?

Top secret facility?

(suspenseful music)

You said he was a pizza delivery guy, right?

Right.

You're not going to believe this.

RADIO: You're listening to 98.8 KBBL.

This is "Miss T" signing off for the evening.

A final word before I disappear into the night:

This is for all those lovely ladies making a living in front of the camera -

Be sure to keep an eye on that bag of cement at your next photoshoot.

It might just save your life.

The Medusa Killer has claimed yet another victim.

Stay vigilant and fabulous girls.

That's all I got. Goodnight and good luck.

(night crickets)

(gun buzzing)

Melvin Kolbaba, come on down: You're a WINNER!

Melvin!

Your fabulous performance as a burlesque dancer!

I have for you this STUNNING trophy in honor of your FABULOUS performance!

AND to top it all off...

You have just won...

YES SIR.

You have just won an all-expense paid trip to...

...wait for it...

SATURN!!!!

Four... three... two... one...

Zero: all engines running.

(rocket ignites)

(Monolithic ethereal voices)

(Happy fur bikini planet music)

Yeah ha ha ha!

This is so cool!

Nalia, I love you.

Don't mind me: I'm just an observer.

Oh, what am I doing? This is my dream!

Come here!

(Saturnalia waltz begins)

This is the greatest day of my life!

(evil noise from the water)

No!

I won't look at your Medusa Boobs!

No! You can't make me look at them!

No!

No!

No!

HeyyyeaaaaAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(uneasy music)

Nalia?

Nalia??

Right there: freeze it!

Melvin Kolbaba. Of course.

Pizza delivery guy! It all makes sense now.

He probably murdered all those women when they ordered pizza from him.

And just when we were this close to getting him, he catches wind of this "nerd doohickey"

Now he can just make copies of millions of dollars in cash

and use it to escape the country and probably

run off to some remote beach God knows where!

That way, we'd never catch him.

But little does he know that Sandusky and Sheppard are on the case.

I don't know what god he prays to, Phil...

but, he better be in his good graces.

Let's go.

(Herrmann-esque chase music)

BBZZZZTTTTTTTT!!!!

(intense combat music)

(electrical zapping)

Hey! Wow. Oh my God.

(chewing)

(laughter)

SSCCHHHHWWWINNNNNNGGG!

BBBZZZZTTTTTTTT!!!!

(villainous music)

Sure.

BBBZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTT!!!!

Okay...

We're just going to sneak in and put the machine back.

How hard can that be?

(lasers humming)

Oh my God.

They must have just installed lasers.

What do we do?

Alright.

Be careful!

You were great!

(alarm ringing)

Look at him Sandusky.

Sitting in that chair yawning that dumb yawn of his.

He's got killer written all over him.

Just imagine what they'll do to him over there at the yard.

The boys will eat him up like candy.

Rock hard candy.

Alright, Kolbaba. Listen up.

Why'd you do it? Hmm??

Why'd you do it, Kolbaba?

Twelve beautiful innocent women...

with all their futures and hopes and dreams gone now thanks to you.

What?

Does Miss Goodman ring any bells?

What about Cinnamon Twist?

I'm sorry, what are we talking about?

(laughing) "What are we talking about" he says!

Show him the file, Sandusky.

Oh, you wanna explain this to us, Kolbaba?

Some pretty good doodles if I do say so myself.

Yes, those are mine. I drew them. What about them?

Oh, so you confess?

Confess to what??

That you're The Medusa Killer!

What?!

Medusa Boobs... Medusa Killer...

There's too many similarities here. You can't talk your way out of this.

Well, that's a complete coincidence.

It was just an idea!

Do you know how hard inspiration is to come by?

Okay, so lemme get this straight:

What you're saying is that this cartoon girl that you drew

somehow came to life and can magically animate these petrified statues?

Yes! I drew her and she came to life!

Go talk with her down the hall - you'll see her balloons!

The speech balloons! When she talks there are speech balloons... not the...

Just listen to me: I am telling the truth!

Oh, please. We have witnesses who saw you at that hotel. The same as the killer!

Okay: I freely admit I stole the machine but I never killed anyone!

I think you guys are making a huge mistake!

You got the wrong guy here!

Huge mistake? We got the wrong guy...

I'LL SHOW YOU THE WRONG GUY!

YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Sir, take off your hat.

Turn to your left.

Your OTHER left.

(camera flashes)

Now turn to your right.

AGNES: I knew it was only a matter of time before you ended up in a place like this, Melvin.

But then again who knew that you would be The Medusa Killer?

I am NOT The Medusa Killer!

Well, who's the one behind bars now, Melvin? Huh?

Gosh! I almost let you sleep with me!

Wait... what?

You could have killed me in my own bedroom.

Agnes, you know me... I could never...

Do I know you Melvin? DO I?

Yes, you do. I am completely inncoent.

Tell that to the police.

I have! But, when Nalia here brings those statues back to life...

They'll believe me.

She can bring the statues back to life?

It's a long story.

Well, good luck proving anything in court Melvin

with someone who's half naked wearing a leapord bikini!

Oh, leave her alone, will you?!

I gotta go.

But one selfie for the road won't hurt.

For the gram!

(camera flashes)

(calm nostalgic music)

You feeling alright?

(laughing)

Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good.

Just taking it all in one last time before it comes down tomorrow.

You know...

Actually...

I'm in a pretty GREAT mood.

How about tonight: first round is on me.

(laughter)

My man.

Oh, Nalia. How did we even get into this mess?

I'm sorry about all this.

You really shouldn't even be here - I'm the one that should be locked up.

You are free.

Yes, I know, but you are free to go.

I'll stay here.

You're not even real.

Sure. Sure.

Hmm...

(rain and thunder)

(suspenseful music)

(door closing suspiciously)

(mysterious footsteps)

(music and footsteps continue)

(keypad beeps)

(electric door opens)

(keypad beeping)

(electric cell door opens)

(suspenseful music rising)

(castle thunder)

It's been you all along!

Yes, Melvin! It's me!

I'm THE MEDUSA KILLER!

(insane villainous laughter)

Why Agnes? I just want to know why.

Well, nice girls don't get very far in show business, honey.

It all started with Allison Bechdel.

She was always the first to get called for gigs.

First for a photoshoot! First for a commercial!

With her perfect tan, her perfect little accent, and her little mole right on her left cheek.

She told me I had a face for television...

Television, Melvin?

I have a face for movies!

(thunder and lightning)

I had to get rid of her somehow.

So you killed her?

How else was I supposed to get all the gigs I wanted, Melvin?

Agnes, you're insane!

That may be, Melvin... but very clever!

Who would have thought to pour cement over bodies, huh?

Me, that's who!

Whose career is taking off, huh?

Me... ME! THE MEDUSA KILLER!

(thunder crash)

(laser eyes charging up)

And now, Melvin... it's come down to this.

You. You just know too much.

You have to go.

Agnes, I would like you to take my advice.

Nalia over there? She's a little over-protective about me and...

If you leave right now, I promise you: You will be unharmed.

Oh, yes. How could I forget: Little Miss Leopard Bikini?

You don't want to do this, Agnes. Please trust me.

Oh, what are you gonna do, honey? Throw your little leapord thong at me?

Pfft... really, Melvin?

(laser eyes charging up loudly)

Ooooh, I'm so scared!

BOOOM!

(laughter)

(dramatic music)

(flashing cameras in a murmuring crowd)

(microphone feedback)

Good morning.

MAN: Good morning.

I'm Detective Sandusky. This is Detective Sheppard.

We want to thank you all for joining us today.

It's been a very long and arduous journey for the both of us.

I can say with full 100% confidence...

We got him.

(applause)

Thank you, thank you.

We'd just like to take a moment to set the record straight and clarify

that The Medusa Killer is actually a "her" and not a "he" like we'd originally thought.

The recent victims of the killer have actually come forth and been revived

through a careful - yet secret - process

and have confirmed the identity of the killer as a woman.

REPORTER: Sir, can you explain the process?

Fantastic.

Now, we'd also like to take a moment to thank everyone

involved with the investigation: the victims, the citizens...

and everyone else at the police department.

And, of course, the efforts of my good pal and partner: Phil Sandusky.

Phil: bring it in.

ELDERLY WOMAN: Yeah, I got a question!

We understand you had a male suspect in custody yesterday...

and suddenly you have a female in custody

and the entire case is wrapped up...

How would you explain this?

BOTH: We're really good at our jobs.

WARREN: So, the elusive Medusa Killer has been captured

thanks to the help of a local pizza delivery man

Melvin Kolbob

and his lovely fiance: Saturnalia.

I think it's pronounced Nah-lia.

Anyway, as a reward for what he has done

he has only asked for one small thing.

(cheering crowd)

And now, ladies and gentlemen

presenting: Melvin Kolbaba...

...and his lustrous partner:

SATURNALIA!

Ha ha ha ha!

(epic fanfare)

(audience boos)

Boo! That sucks!

BBBZZZZZTTTTTT!

Hey, yeah...

Yeah, alright!

(audience starts cheering)

BBBZZZZZZTTTTTT!!!

(audience loses their minds)

BBBBZZZZZTTTTTT!

BBBBZZZZZTTTTTT!

BBBBZZZZZTTTTTT!

BBBBZZZZZTTTTTT!

(music building)

BBBBZZZZZTTTTTT!

BBBBZZZZZTTTTTT!

(LASER INSANITY)

(audience cheering)

(Theme song begins)

**WHO IS THE ONE THAT WILL SAVE US?**

**WHO IS THE ONE THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS?**

**DOES SHE HAVE A FLASHING EYE?**

**IS HER BRA A GIANT SIZE?**

**WILL HER FUR-BIKNI TERRIFY THE BRAVEST?**

**SATURNALIA!**

**SATURNALIA!**

**SATURNALIA!**

**SATURNALIA!**

**STANDING FOR JUSTICE IS PROOF**

**SHE ALWAYS WIELDS HER SPEAR OF TRUTH**

**AND SHE WEARS TWO STRIPS OF FUR**

**TO COVER UP PARTS OF HER**

**CUZ MAMA DIDN'T RAISE THIS GIRL TO BE UNCOUTH**

**SATURNALIA!**

**SATURNALIA!**

**SATURNALIA!**

**SATURNALIA!**

**SHE IS THE ENEMY OF FEAR**

**JUSTICE AND TRUTH SHE HOLDS DEAR!**

**FROM EIGHT-THOUSAND EIGHTY-EIGHT**

**AND FROM SATURN'S MIGHTY GATE**

**SHE'S A HERO THAT STILL HATES WHEN EVIL'S NEAR**

**SATURNALIA!**

**SATURNALIA!**

**SATURNALIA!**

**SATURNALIA!**

**aaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHH**