All language subtitles for I.Used.To.Be.Funny.2023.WERip

So, please,
put your hands together

for the great Sam Cowell!

Hello...

It's gonna be
beautiful sunny day today.

And we can expect much more of
the same over the next few days

if you want to do some of those
outdoor activities

you've been saving up.

And in business,
the stock market

fell through the floor today.

No one seems to have predicted
this, so it's hard to know...

And there
was another drive-by shooting

today downtown,
it appears to be gang-related,

but there are no suspects...

The newest
update to the Renner case

is that Brooke Renner,
a 14-year-old,

has been missing since Thursday.

The teen's aunt filed a missing
person's report two days ago.

Brooke hasn't been seen...

No foul play is suspected in
the teen's disappearance.

The family is concerned
for her well-being.

- So if you have any information
- Paige?

- On Brooke's whereabouts...
- What is it?!

- It's Brooke.
- Is she here again?

Call local police, or the
number you see on the screen.

Why are you sopping
on the couch?

The news of Brooke's
disappearance

was widely circulated
on social media,

perhaps because of last year's
case involving police...

Okay. Oh, just mute that,
and then...

How long has she been missing?

It just said four days.

Well, I think you need to tell
somebody that you saw her.

Like, Jill?

No, like,
the fucking... police.

Even though ACAB, obviously.

Why don't you go get dressed,
and I can call.

They'll probably put me on hold
for a while anyway.

- Yeah.
- Cause, you know,

like, bureaucracy and all that.

Right, yeah.
Red tape. Um...

Yeah, yeah.
Go... Go lay down.

- Okay.
- Go.

Thanks.
Um, I'm gonna go...

lie down in my towel.

Good job for washing your body!

Thank you.

Hey, yeah, is this the tip line?

Um, yeah, this is
about Brooke Renner.

Um, my roommate saw her like,
three days ago.

When would she have to come in?

Coming!

Hold on! Jeez.

Oh my God, what the fuck?!

I know you're in there,
you fuck! Come out!

Oh my God, Brooke!

Did you just throw that
through my window?

And did you just call me a fuck?
You need to leave!

Where the fuck
am I supposed to go, Sam?

To your aunt's house. And stop
swearing, it doesn't sound cool.

Okay, I can do whatever I want.

Yes, I know, Brooke.

You've made that
abundantly clear.

- How did you get downtown?
- I took the bus.

- You on the bus?
- I got a ride, all right?

Please leave.
And take an Uber home.

I just wanna know why you lied!

I'm not doing this
with you today.

Fuck you, Sam!
Fuck you!

Are you drunk?

Fuck.

Dinner's ready!

Thanks for cooking again,
Philip.

It's just Ragu.

- It's still food.
- Yeah.

Technically...
it's not,

but you're welcome anyway.

So, um...

What are you gonna do
about Brooke?

I'm not sure.

Just say that she broke
our window

in your statement tomorrow,
and, you know,

we'll ask her aunt
to pay for it.

And, you know,
she'll go home on her own.

She's just being 15,
like the Taylor Swift song.

- She's 14.
- Yeah, even worse.

Yeah, I know, it's like, when
your boobs are the weirdest,

you're wearing bad halter tops,
it's a nightmare.

I'm sure it's gonna be
fine though.

Hasn't she done this like,
a few times?

Yeah, I mean,

she's probably loving
the missing person posters.

They used a selfie,
she looks great.

You can't say she looks great,
babe, she's missing.

I mean, it's not, like,
out of character

for her to do this
for attention,

but like, I'm still worried.

Well, you're not getting paid to
worry about her anymore.

I'm worried that you're still
not leaving the house.

- Okay, I showered toady.
- Oh.

- Oh my God.
- I did!

- You did!
- I did.

Yeah.

And I almost went
to your show last night.

Okay, but you didn't,
so I just sat there all night.

- Lonely Paige.
- What?

You bring home strange girls
from Comedy Bar all the time.

I mean, lesbian sex, there's
like, a less than 1% chance

of catching an STI, so...
it's not risky.

That's dangerous misinformation.

You know what
I'm talking about though!

It's not like... lesbians, you're
never bringing home a stranger,

everyone is like, someone's ex,
someone's dog walker,

you know, someone's friend
twice removed.

Yeah, okay, that's true.
That is gay math.

Mmm.
Speaking of exes,

I did see Noah last night,

and he said he was trying
to call you again...

Paige.

Seriously, let's talk about
anything else.

You were saying that you
have an STI?

That's not at all what I said.

Yeah, you were confessing
to us...

I said it's impossible
for me to catch them.

- Oh!
- Oh, we got it wrong.

Okay, what year do you think
everyone in the world has HPV?

Soon, I hope.

What do you mean? What do you
mean by "you hope"?

Just, kind of, something to
talk about... with people.

Well, you also, by the way,

didn't miss truly anything
last night.

Alicia...

I know, is still doing that,
like, "Pick me up, daddy,"

that, like, "daddy" bit.
Daddy.

She says "daddy"
a bunch of times.

Please say she retired
the jean shorts

over the top of the tights look.

Okay, she did.
But, sort of a twist,

she added some
really bizarre hats.

- Yes.
- So it's hard to tell

if we're sort of winning
or losing with her.

- Uh, we're losing.
- We're losing.

It's giving loss.

It's giving loss,
what she's doing.

Alicia is giving us loss.

Did Brooke tell you
she was intoxicated?

I mean, she didn't tell me she
was drunk, but she was drunk.

What else did she say?

Um, she called me a liar.

You know, small talk.

And was there anything else that
you noticed different about her?

Um, her hair.
She dyed it blue.

Like, this low-key blue.

- Blue hair.
- Yeah, but it wasn't, like,

all blue, it was, like,
dip-dyed, kind of,

so it's like,
just the ends, sort of,

but it was done, like,
really shitty.

She... um, she dyed it blue.
Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you.

Look, uh, I don't know
what you, uh...

I'm really sorry you're back
here, Samantha.

Yeah, me too.

Just get in touch if
you remember anything else.

Okay.

We all just want to
make sure that Brooke

gets home safe, right?

Okay.

- Here.
- Yeah, um, I have one.

Thanks for waiting.

Were you a reliable witness?

Yeah. I remember
everything about her,

I can't get her
out of my dumb brain.

Okay, so you did everything
you could,

and it's out of your dumb
hands now.

Officer:
I'm really sorry

you're back here, Samantha.

Okay.

- Samantha.
- Hi! Are you Mrs. Renner?

- Oh, I'm her sister, Jill.
- Oh.

Brooke's favourite aunt.

Come on in.

You're so short!

Right this way.

Orchids? So psychotic.

- You can have a seat here.
- Oh, thank you.

Cameron, this is Samantha.

- Hi, Samantha.
- Hi.

- I'm Cameron.
- Nice to meet you.

- Um, got your resume here.
- Yes.

Seems, um...
Uh...

I've never done this before.

I... I'm Sam.

Um, I was an au pair
for a family in the UK

for two years.

I'm also a comedian.

Oh! I took improv
in college.

Oh, yeah. Zip, zap, zop.
Totally.

- Like...
- Yeah!

Yep, love it. Um...

So, I mean, I spend most of my
time with overgrown children.

Why'd you leave?

I'm still doing comedy,
I'm still, like...

- Family in the UK.
- Oh, um...

I just didn't renew my
student visa, so, like,

- paperwork, I guess.
- You're in luck.

The only paperwork you'd have
to fill out here

is permission slips for field
trips and things like that.

Oh, Brooke can't do her own
forgeries yet?

No.

Um...

I also have a fine arts degree.

Um, yeah, I just thought...

Fine arts degree,
feels applicable.

Yeah, you know, art.

Brooke loves to draw.

That's great.

Uh, so, here's the situation.

Brooke's mother is very sick.

She's in and out of
hospitals all the time.

I know, I'm really sorry,
the agency told me that's...

Yeah, and I still need
to work quite a bit,

so I would need someone maybe to
stay over a few nights a week.

- We have a guestroom.
- I'd be here more,

but I live an hour out,
and with two kids and work,

it's... it's a lot
with the hospital visits.

- Totally, yeah.
- As you can imagine,

the amount of change in a young
girl's life has made Brooke...

a little difficult.

Of course. I mean, that's
a teenager's job, right?

That's a joke?

Yeah... I hope.

Brooke, can you come out please?

No thank you.
I don't want a nanny.

Mom will get better.

I know she will, sweetie.
In the meantime,

can you just come out and meet
Sam here, please?

She's nice.

Oh, thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Why can't you just stay home
like you used to

- at the beginning?
- Brooke, say hi.

If you do, we'll go to
the skate park this weekend.

I promise.

Oh, you skate?

Okay, that's cool.
Very intimidating.

Uh, you know what, we'll be
in the kitchen

if you guys want
ice cream after.

- Cool.
- Okay.

Okay, ice cream. That is
a bribe I can get behind.

Right? They know what
they're doing.

Maybe we trick them, we go
downstairs, we're like,

"Yeah, we're friends!"
And then we get the dessert.

No. I don't need
a nanny, okay? I'm 12.

Okay, fair, totally.

Why don't we think about it
as being friends?

I'll just be a friend that's
old enough to know

you can't have pizza
for dinner every night

or play with matches
all the time.

And I'll be paid.

I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to be funny.

- And I'm not being funny?
- No, not really.

Okay, that hurts,
but the fact that you have

high comedic standards means
it's going to be easy

to be friends with you.

You're not like other nannies,
are you?

You're not like other kids,
are you?

Okay, well, if you're
gonna be stuck with me,

what do you wanna do tonight?

I have the new episode
of Riverdale.

I love Riverdale.

So, basically,
that's why I don't fuck guys

who read books anymore.

- Hey, good to see you.
- Yeah, it's been a while.

Yeah. And probably a lot
healthier and less depressing?

- Yeah, you'd think.
- When are you up?

Oh, no, I'm not on the lineup.

I'm just here for moral support.

Okay, well, you can joke about
literally anything now,

so that's good, right?

What?

Just that you're...

uniquely positioned,
with all the...

topics at your disposal.

Yeah, I'm really lucky.

- No, I just mean...
- Tim's just jealous

because you can talk about
your period,

- and he can't talk about his.
- Okay, thank you, Zara.

Got me.
Sorry, baby made a bad joke.

Okay, I gotta go.

Tim Gideon!

- Thanks.
- Of course, Tim's the worst.

- Oh, horrible.
- Yeah.

I feel like his hair somehow
got more incel-y.

You know what? I don't even
think there's gel in it.

I just think it grows that way.

Wow, horrible. Heinous.

Really weird.

What, Tim say something dumb?

Oh, he tried to make a certain
kind of joke. So funny.

- Oh.
- I mean,

Tim's obviously jealous because
he is in no way relevant.

Okay, well, what happened to me
doesn't make me relevant, Paige.

Yeah, I know that.

The fact that you're a woman
makes you relevant.

Exactly. Girlina, bring some of
that girlboss energy

to the lineup tonight.

I have genuinely missed seeing
you be an annoying white woman

- on stage. Genuinely.
- Thank you.

- I have, I have!
- Thank you.

But I gotta go,
because I have a date,

and in his bio, it says that
he's a poet, so...

Oooh!

That will be fun to torture my
parents with.

- Okay, have fun.
- You too. I love you.

- Good to see you.
- Zara, please fuck the poet.

- Fuck the poet!
- Fuck the poet!

- Yes!
- And I'd just say,

- fuck the poet.
- One more time, yes.

Just for you to fuck the poet.

So?

Uh, all I have is what I had
for my Montreal taping.

It's not really topical
two years later.

Who cares, dude? Tim is still
doing material about Frasier.

Uh, hands up if we think
Niles eats ass?

I just, I'm not ready to like,
take the think pieces

and the subtweets
and port them over

into real-life heckling
and harassment.

Your Montreal set was so good.

I was so mad at you
for getting that taping.

Yeah, well, you know,
you win some,

you lose some lifelong dreams,

and then you watch your friends
and peers

live out those dreams, so...

you don't have to be
mad anymore.

It's good, it's good...

I feel like your youth pastor
stuff could still work.

And scrambled eggs!

I mean...

You guys,

you are in for a very special
treat tonight.

After a brief hiatus,
the pride of Toronto,

not in the gay way, though,
that was Paige earlier.

And I guess me now.

But without further ado,
you guys...

Sam Cowell!

Um... that was a joke,
you guys.

I would never give up
my stage time.

Gay men on dating apps will
literally have on their bio,

like, "please, only contact me
if you take care of yourself

"and love your body."

And then I will literally see
them doing meth

at circuit parties.

You can joke
about literally anything now,

so that's good, right?

Noah:
You're funny. You are funny!

So, what did you do
at school today?

We talked about a book

I already read last summer
at our cottage.

At the cottage where you broke
the tablet

I got you for your birthday?

Oh, were you annoyed with how
Twilight ended, too?

I'm also team Jacob, I was
like, what is going on?

You're team Jac...
No! I'm Edward.

- You're Edward?
- Yes!

- Are you kidding me?
- Are you kidding me?

Was he the one with the abs?

They both have abs.

I mean, a completely
different kind of abs.

Like, Jacob, it's a warm,
cuddly ab.

You put it in the sleeping bag,
you snuggle up,

you get toasty.
Edward, ice cold abs.

- Cutting steel, killing people.
- With his abs. Okay.

- Yeah.
- That all seems very rehearsed.

Is that you treating us to one
of your stand-up comedy things?

No, those are... those are
usually much less funny.

That was... that was off the cuff
'cause I'm passionate about it.

Okay, what do you actually
tell jokes about?

Yeah, I was reading about
stand-up comedy, and it's...

It says a lot of it is
apparently all about

self-deprecation, you know,
and you're not... ugly.

Not ugly!

You're conventionally
attractive.

I'm just saying she doesn't have
any affliction,

you're not obese,
you don't have a stutter.

- Okay, that's... stop it.
- Was that a joke, Cameron?

I mean, no, it...

Wow, your dad is going
to roast battle me.

Um, no, but actually I mostly
do observational stuff

about men being bad.

It's called political comedy.

It's very trendy.
A lot of women do that.

I also do the classics,
you know?

My period, the mall, skincare.

Guys, do I love them?

Do I hate them?
I'm changing my mind.

I'm going crazy!
Where's my tampon?

They shout it back, they go,
"Where is it?!"

The crowd goes nuts.

I'm gonna do it all
at my show tonight.

- A big period show.
- Right,

which is all derivative
of Ruth Buzzi.

Who is Ruth Buzzi?

Who is Ruth Buzzi?

So, I realized something today.

I realized I have a lot more in
common

with closeted homophobic youth
pastors than I thought.

Uh, the same way that they're
denouncing gay people

is the same way that
I'm denouncing straight men.

Meaning, yes,

very loudly.
Very, very loudly.

I'm going all over town,
I'm preaching, preaching,

I'm tweeting on my phone,
"Men are bad, they're so evil!"

Then I'm going home,
I'm blowing a graphic designer.

Seriously, though, it's like,

we need a Volkswagen level
recall on men in general,

because the airbag
is exploding, okay?

We've got a lot
of choking hazards,

if you know what I mean.

Yeah, like, if one
out of every 10 cars

was killing its entire family
and then the next day,

the news was running a photo of
the car on a jet-ski...

would we still sell them?
I don't know.

Even though they're bad,
they're murdering people,

I am having sex with them...

um, as much as possible.

Um, I'm at the bar,
I'm signaling guys

like a Republican senator
signals the male interns.

Hell yeah.

I'm like, "Kyle, I need you in
the bathroom for something."

I'm spraying Axe body spray like
smoke signals. I'm like...

"Come here."

So, really, who am I to judge
Justin Bieber's youth pastor,

because I want
to fuck Justin too.

Thank you guys so much.

That was
Sam Cowell! Keep it going!

Keep it going.
Give it up for Sam Cowell.

Next on the stage...

Okay.

Hi, um, I'm here
for Brooke Renner.

Are you a relative?

She's my nanny.
She's late.

I mean, we agreed "nanny"
is kind of an antiquated term,

but, yes.

Are you okay?

I didn't know
you went to Hogwarts.

Sorry, I'm going to need
to see some ID.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

I have... that.

Okay, this is a library card.

Okay, could I say
I know her full name,

her middle name?

Her food... I know
her food allergies.

Could I say that?

Hey.

What happened?

Um, my mom... was supposed
to come home.

But she... she got
an infection last night.

And your dad?

He decided to work if we
couldn't go to the hospital.

Well, it's perfect,

I was on my way to meet up
with my best friends...

- So I ruined your plans?
- No, no, it's...

We were just going
to the movies,

and now you can come with us.

Isn't sci-fi you and
your mom's favourite?

What kind of car is that?

I think just old.

What movie are you seeing?

Uh, an R-rated one that you
probably shouldn't be watching.

Okay.

And I promise I'll take you
to see your mom tomorrow

if she's feeling better.

- I talked to Jill earlier.
- Okay.

So, what kind of snacks are we
thinking for today?

- Everything?
- I don't know.

You don't know?!

Paige and Philip, meet Brooke.

- Hey, Brooke!
- Hey.

We've heard nothing
but good things.

Yeah, right. Sam gets paid
to hang out with me.

No, seriously, um,
Sam is actually really jealous

of your hair, and your clothes.
Whole vibe.

She's, um, profoundly
intimidated by you.

- Kind of pathetic.
- Sure.

No, not pathetic.

Uh, Brooke are you... are you
coming to the movies with us?

Yeah, if that's...
that's all right.

Oh, yeah. Any friend of Sam's
is a friend of ours.

Yeah.

Especially one with such
voluminous hair.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

Hey.

I'm gonna go grab a drink with
Noah if you want to come.

Um...

No, I think I'm just gonna...

Yeah, um, didn't go well

when I finally tried to go out
last night, so...

Say hi, though.

Yeah, I'll probably just lie
and say you'll call him.

- Paige.
- Hmm?

Do you think he hates me?

He'd be an asshole
if he hated you.

Yeah, and he's not
an asshole, right?

I mean...

kinda, but like, in a good way.

I like assholes.
We're all assholes.

I'm sorry that I'm not
a fun asshole anymore.

Okay, you were there for me
during the great depression

of 2016, and I will never
forget that.

- I was a nasty woman.
- Yeah, I know,

- but like, after that...
- No.

I don't want to talk about that.
We don't need to.

No, I didn't think that you were
jealous of my taping.

- I shouldn't have said that.
- I was jealous.

And I probably shouldn't have
told you you only got it

'cause you were thin and white.

Okay, so I'm hearing that and
you're saying I'm thin.

You should hear
that you're malnourished.

I mean, I am living
for this, though.

I am loving just seeing my
friend laying down,

all day long, sometimes
microwaving something.

No, I've been very
horizontal lately.

But I'm telling you,
I'm not going to be the one

to drive you to physio
when your muscles atrophy,

so let's turn the beat around.

Fuck, okay.

Yes, move your body.
Chair aerobics.

- Write some jokes?
- Eh...

- Movement.
- How about this?

Yeah, I'll do it again.

Shit!

Um, I...
do cherish you,

and I do have to leave.

Okay.
Have fun at the show.

Oh, you know I will have fun,
'cause you know who

- is on the lineup?
- No, no, no.

Alicia, baby.
Daddy!

- Daddy!
- Well, now I'm jealous.

Oh, Daddy!

Are you tweeting already?

- Yes.
- Morning tweets?

Rattling off some big...
killer tweets.

- Oh yeah?
- "My boyfriend's so annoying."

- Excuse me?
- "Stinks and is rude."

- What?
- Boom, viral.

Did you tag me in it at least?

I can't tag you,
that's bad for the brand.

"The brand?"

Yeah, I have to shit on you,
never tag you,

and then a million girls are
gonna comment

"So true, queen."

But they... they don't even
know me!

Well, it's worth it,

'cause look what I get
to look at.

What do you mean?

Like, look what I get
to look at.

And you have to look at me.

My view is...
good, too.

But I'm just saying that
the property value of being

in my body is actually higher
than being in yours

because my face looks out
at yours.

- Oh.
- See?

And your face looks out at like,

uh, a vacant lot where they
can't build,

because there used to be
a gas station.

I don't know, I feel like
there's... potential.

I'm seeing, like,
an organic kale co-op.

- Wow.
- They're building a Target.

- Nice.
- A Pilates studio for dogs.

Okay, so, gentrification?

Mm... unfortunately, yes,

but the Pilates studio
is gonna be amazing.

Great.
Good plan.

Hey, um, you know, I actually
need to check the foundation

- of your property.
- Of mine?

- For a second, yeah.
- Why?

Well, 'cause there's been some
concerns with regards...

- Concerns?!
- Yeah, there's been leaks.

- Leaks?!
- Yeah, soil density issues.

- Oh my God.
- Mmm.

And if you don't mind,
a couple guys from the city

are gonna come down and join me.

- Oh, it'll be a couple?
- Yeah.

But you'll barely notice
we're here, okay?

- Okay.
- Oh.

Don't use your hot water
for a bit.

Okay.

Can I get you
anything else, Sam?

Um, do you think
this premise is funny?

It's like, two old-timey dudes,

like, named Victor and Timothy

come up with the term "victim,"
so it's like, "vic,"

the "vic" from Victor
and the "tim" from Timothy,

and it's like, "Oh,
you're inserting yourself

"into that," you know...

Um, yeah, I guess.

It's not your best work,
to be honest.

Yeah, no, it's bad.
Thanks, Jeremy.

Get you another Sapporo?

- Yeah, thanks.
- All right.

- This one's on me, all right.
- Thanks.

Sam?

- Can I talk to you?
- Um, Jill,

I like, asked you not to come
around here.

- I'm trying to work.
- You're working again?

Well, I'm trying to
drink, but, yeah.

How are you?

Um, thriving, obviously.

Listen, I just want to know
what you told the police.

Just that I saw her.

Or heard her, she threw a rock
through my window.

She stopped going to school.

Well, probably because she can't
throw rocks at school.

She also, uh,

released her rabbit into
the ravine behind the house.

Sammity?

Maybe she was trying to free it?

She dyed it blue first.

Oh.

She really misses you, Sam.

And it's even worse now because
I had to sell the house.

My sister's house.
And she's just totally uprooted.

I gave all of the information
that I have.

And I really doubt that
she misses me.

I mean, she literally started
a petition on Change.org

to have me arrested, so...

Please, Sam, you know her best.

Did she ever say anything
to you about a Nathan?

Hmm, no. I'm sorry.

I really am.

Come on, please don't hold
this against us.

I'm not holding anything against
you, or against Brooke.

I just... I feel terrible, okay?

I don't know how I didn't see
the signs, I didn't...

Okay, don't beat yourself
up about it.

The last thing that I want
is a woman blaming herself

for all of this.

That's not what I'm doing!
Please.

All I see is Brooke's mother's
face every time I look at her.

Okay, and all I see is her
father, so...

Fucking keys...

Oh my God.

Oh, fuck!

Brooke?

Brooke, I'm here!

Brooke?

Oh my God. Brooke.

Oh.

She's gone.

She died. I can't believe
she died.

I'm so sorry, Brooke.
I'm... I'm here.

- I'm here.
- She left me.

Cameron?

Um, Cameron?

Brooke's asleep.
I'm gonna go.

I don't know how to do this.

What do I say to her?

Can you stay, please?

Tell a joke or something.

I... I don't...

I don't know if this is
the time for it, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna be here
first thing tomorrow.

I'm gonna have all my Twilight
jokes, I promise.

I'm so sorry.

"Breann Smordin".

"We keep moving
in the same circles,

in the same way
that neurons circle atoms.

We must become
straight lines."

Okay.

How's she doing since
she's been back at school?

I let her get social media,
but I don't know.

It's cute that you think it's
all just called "social media."

I mean, she's taken on this
very "cool teen" attitude

to make it seem like she
doesn't care about anything,

but I know how to deal with that
particular defence mechanism,

so we're figuring it out.

I'm glad she has you
to talk to right now.

Yeah, Cameron does not
really know what to say.

He's always kind of needed a
buffer between him and Brooke.

Yeah, like a translator
of girls?

Yeah, actually, that's...
a great way to put it.

Yeah, I mean, I think he thinks
I'm like, interesting

or like, endearingly weird
or something,

but I don't think he's ever
talked to a woman

in a hoody before.

Well, he always loved
Laura's class.

Oh, are you calling me
not classy, Jill?

No! That's... No, I'm not.

No, I just... I just meant

that I think he always
liked our...

you know, our family friends,
and fancy dinners,

and vacations, and he just liked
Laura's life, you know?

She always made things
so beautiful.

You're both super classy broads.
That's for sure.

Thanks, Sam.

I just really fucking
miss her so much.

Yeah.

- Can we see the birds now?
- Yep, the birds.

I know, we're gonna go look
at the birds. Come on.

Hey, are those those weird white
ones with the pink eyes?

They're Netherland dwarf
rabbits.

You like them?

I mean, I wouldn't mind
having one.

- You'd have to ask your dad.
- He won't care.

He says yes to everything
ever since mom.

You know, I could
name one after you.

Okay. Tempting.

This one does kinda
look like me.

I see it. I feel it.

- It's the energy.
- It is.

- And the cuteness.
- Oh, of course.

It just has "Sam" written
all over it.

Yes.

So, what are you thinking of
getting your dad

for his birthday?

A coupon for doing my chores?

You have a housekeeper, Brooke.

You know, it's gonna be
the first year

that he's celebrating
without your mom.

He likes history books, like,

the War of 1812 and all that.

Okay, you're right.
Your dad is boring.

The good news is, there's
a very cool used bookstore

- by my house.
- Could we go tonight?

Oh, I can't tonight, 'cause I'm
supposed to hang out with Paige.

- I could come.
- Well, I mean,

you're not really allowed
where we're going.

Why?

Well, because it's a comedy club
and you're a child, so...

Wait, you don't tell any jokes
about me, do you?

No! Never. Scout's honour.
I promise.

Okay.

- You gonna hurry up?
- Okay, safety first.

- Oh, okay.
- Just locking in.

We're on, we're ready to go!

You know, I am working on some
material about teens in general.

- Oh?
- Yes.

How it's no fair that Gen-Z
already knows about, like,

skin serums and stuff,
so they're just gonna

rule the world with their
poreless skin forever.

Okay, you know,
your skin is fine.

Fine? Very generous,
thank you. Wow, "fine."

What's the most embarrassing
thing that's happened to you

- with a boy?
- Ooh.

- Oh, sounds like there's a lot.
- There's a lot.

Um, okay,

one time I pissed myself in
my boyfriend's car.

You peed yourself...
with Noah?

No, not with Noah!
My ex from junior high.

- Dylan
- Oh.

I was wearing light pink jeans,

I was at a party, everybody saw.

And that, young Brooke, is why
you should never experiment

with alcohol or pastel denim

until your bladder
fully develops at age 18.

Alcohol smells gross anyway.

Brooke, listen to me, one day,
probably very soon,

you're going to be offered
multiple coolers of some kind,

and they are going to taste like
lemonade, gummy bears,

and no matter how good they
taste, you can only have one.

Okay... Jesus.

Okay, 'cause otherwise you're
gonna be peeing your pink jeans.

- I don't have pink jeans!
- Okay.

You're gonna be peeing your cool
mom jeans.

Okay.

And so in the bedroom,
he makes me call him Daddy.

Sam?

Noah!

- Hey.
- Hey.

I haven't seen you here
in like, a year.

Are you... are you doing
shows again?

Oh, uh, no. I'm just here
watching Paige and Philip.

How are you?
Are you... Are you, uh...

Are you writing?
Or...

Um, I mean, like, not really.

I have, like, one joke
about online shopping.

Great. Nice.

I love your shopping stuff.
It was always, uh...

uh, cerebral.

- Cerebral?
- Yeah.

Wow.
Thank you.

Um, that's very generous.

Um, yeah, I mean,
it's all I can write about,

'cause I basically just sit
at home, open a hundred tabs,

and then buy a bunch of t-shirts
with money I don't have, so.

Oh.

I can go back to
helping with rent if that...

- Oh, my God. No.
- Would help.

- Um. That was a joke.
- Oh. Ha!

Okay, yeah.
I mean...

I'm not gonna make you pay rent.
I kicked you out.

No, that's... It's not...

"Kicked me out," that's...
Come on.

Let me do something.

You know, I'm feeling
more useless than usual,

which is hard for a comedian.

Yeah, it must be
really hard for you.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, I know, but, um...

Paige and Philip are
both pitching in on rent,

and they're, like,
ridiculously good at pretending

that I'm pulling
my weight as a roommate, so...

Hm.

I thought you, um...

I thought you needed time alone.

I... I am alone.
I'm... I'm alone with them.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
That's... I shouldn't have.

No, it's okay.
It's totally okay.

Um...

It's good to see you.

Yeah.
You, too.

Oh, please.
I didn't... I'm not...

Please, I wasn't...

It's okay.
It's totally fine.

I actually was
about to go home...

- Yeah.
- Anyway.

- So I'm going to go.
- Okay.

Um, but it was
really good to see you.

- You, too.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay.

And because
it's, like, you touch hands,

and then it reminds him that
he has the power to kill you.

Bullshit is all I'm saying, Cam.

I mean, excessive.
Excessive? Come on.

You were doing the right thing.

I know that.

Oh, sorry.
I was just taking out the trash.

Yeah, that's alright.
Hey.

Uh, Sam. This is officers
Gerrard and Lawrence.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Gerrard here was just
defending my honour.

It's, uh... It's Jim, hun,
and this is Conrad.

- Conrad.
- Hi.

Can we, uh, offer
the babysitter a beer, or?

Okay, first of all,
she's an au pair.

The less teen version
of a babysitter.

- Thank you, Cameron.
- Right.

I get it, I get it.

It's like, uh, the thing
with stewardesses.

You can't call 'em stewardesses
anymore. You gotta...

Flight attendant's
the correct term now.

Flight attendant.

And the gay dude ones
are actually pretty funny.

The Seinfelds of the sky, truly.

Anyway, Sam doesn't
want to drink beer

with a bunch of old dudes.

Oh, no, I mean,
Conrad is young-ish.

- Young-ish.
- Thank you.

All right.

So, uh, what do you do
with Brooke?

You know, math homework,
keep her from slipping

into an existential crisis
too early.

- Right.
- All of that good stuff.

Yeah. Must be, uh,
tough without a mom.

Yeah.

Yeah, she must think
you're pretty cool.

Yeah, she loves Sam.

Well, I mean, even you and I,
with our relative youth,

are already considered
way too out of touch

to be cool to teens.

Well, Cam and I
must be royally fucked.

- Oh, yeah.
- Brooke's always giving me shit

for saying stuff
I'm not supposed to.

Well, I mean, you're not
supposed to say "exotic," but...

I don't know,
Cameron's pretty funny.

My wife thinks he's hilarious.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Cameron, what's funny about you?

I mean, you're not ugly,
you're a straight white dude,

you don't stutter.

I get it.

That's a callback.

Yeah, that's a term
in comedy where

an inside joke
comes back around.

Oh, yeah.

Sam's a stand-up comedienne.

- No way.
- What?

Like a comedian, but a girl.

Right.

But, I thought, like,
isn't comedy, like...

It's hard on women, no?

Uh.

No, it's really easy.
I just wear a tiny little top,

I get on stage,
I make baby noises,

and then I get
a million dollars,

and everybody in the audience
goes, "Yas, queen!"

Okay.

That's a joke from
one of her sets.

I've seen her videos.

You've watched...

Fuck, you've watched
my videos, Cameron?

- What?
- Which ones?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We have to see one of these.

- Are you on YouTube?
- Yeah. Look her up.

Sam Cowell. YouTube.

- Yeah?
- Is that her?

- Yup. That's her.
- Oh, my God.

49,000 views.

- Wow.
- That's pretty good.

Oh, my God.

I'm a nanny, which is
the politically correct term

for "old babysitter."

Wait, you do sets
at the Laugh Basket?

That's pretty cool.

No, the Basket
is not cool, okay?

It smells like pee
and the floor is always wet.

Teen mom or struggling actress?

Aww.

Either way, I am rock hard, so.

You're funny!
You are funny.

This is so inappropriate,
Cameron.

What? I had to
vet you somehow.

You're looking after
my one and only daughter.

I guess so.

My big flirty move on
a date is to make the guy

pinky promise not to kill me.

Yeah.

More stuff about men.
I get it. I get it.

You touch hands
and then it reminds him

that he has the power
to kill you.

We should all go see her.
When are you there?

No, please.

- Yeah, put us on the list.
- Is there a list?

No!

It is hard to
be a nanny for this generation,

though, because it's like,
they know everything, you know?

It's like everything you know,
they know,

and they know why it's wrong,

and they know which member
of the Clinton Foundation

made you think
that it was right.

It's like...

Woman:
Houston! Houston, come in!

Hey. Pay attention.
This is a good movie.

I don't care about space.

You don't care about
the wonder of space?

The ever-expanding universe?

Sandra Bullock?

Hey.

Are you okay?

Have you ever
burned a photograph?

What?

Like, in a...
cathartic way.

Um...

I mean, I guess.
Only of exes.

Definitely of Dylan.
Why?

No, I was just thinking of
deleting a bunch of photos

off my phone.

But you don't have
any ex anythings.

Brooke.

- N...
- No!

You're going to want those.

I just... I... You know, I see her

every time I try to take
a new picture

because my phone has
this... this...

This feature where,
you know, it...

It gathers up photos
based on faces,

and just, like,
displays them in an album.

And it...

I know,
and the feature is horrible,

and it adds songs,
it's not good.

But...

it's going to hurt
a lot more later

if you don't have
anything to remember her by.

I was just thinking about it.

Okay, well,

maybe just do an iCloud backup

in case you're thinking
of doing anything rash.

I'm surprised you know
anything about backups.

Okay. Wow.
I'm not that old.

P.S. I'm surprised
the cloud can even

store the number
of selfies you take.

Although,
the poses are spectacular.

I'm... I'm going to borrow this
and this. The tilt?

Okay, you're all set.

So, what's this movie about?

I told you.
Sandra Bullock.

It's good.
It's a lot of strings.

They break, they tangle.

Then the strings are
going to save someone.

Brooke. Brooke, Brooke...

What? What? What?
What is it?

You need to get up.

- Wh...
- You need to get up now.

What happened to your head?

I, um...

I tripped.

What?

The carbon monoxide
monitors are going off.

We have to leave now.

What about my dad? Why...

He's fine. He left.

I turned them off,
we have to go.

Fine. Fine.

No, no, no.
We don't have time.

- Leave Sammity.
- He's going to die, okay?

It'll affect his
small rabbit lungs first.

- Okay, fine.
- Fine.

Just you get the door.

- Okay.
- Be really quiet.

Why should I be quiet?
What is going on?

Because... So I can
hear the monitors. Just...

What?!

Be careful with Sammity.

Okay.
Here, take this.

Okay.

Are those your dad's keys?

- Yes.
- Okay, let's go.

Quiet.

- Get in the front seat.
- Okay!

Just get... Get in.

I'm doing that!

How do I open the garage?

Just here.

- This thing?
- Yes.

Put on your seatbelt.

Sam. Sam, it's okay, all right?
We all got out. It's okay.

It's o... Can you pull over?

- I know, yeah.
- Can you pull over?

Can you just pull over?

Can we call my dad?

Stop!

Okay.

I'm going to...
I'm going to call the...

I'm going to call
the fire department.

Okay.

Where's my phone?
I need my phone.

Here. It's here.
It's fine.

What are you doing?
Stay in the car, Brooke.

You could be hurt, okay?

Carbon monoxide
is very complicated.

I'm fine, Sam.

Just stay in the car, okay?!

Okay.

Please let me in.
Just let me in!

I just want to be
in with her, please!

Let me in!
Let me in!

How are you feeling, Samantha?

Um... Is Brooke okay?

She's here at the hospital.
She's physically fine.

Her aunt's on the way.

And...

This is what you want to file?

Sam. Sam! Sam!
What's going on? Are you okay?

What's going on?
No, Sam. What did you say?

What... What's happening?
Sam!

What's going on, Sam?!

Can you please get
the fuck out of my room?

Dude, it's so exciting!

Yes!

Sam! Paige's green card
got approved!

LA, baby! Oh, what?

What's wrong?

What's going on?

Hi, sad on the floor.
What's going on?

What's happening?

What is this...
Lisa Frank monstrosity?

And why does it smell like
a half-smoked cigarette?

It's Brooke's.

How would you get...

I found it.
I went back to the house.

She's been staying there.

No, you went back there?

That is way too big a trigger.

Dude, you need to drop this

and start taking
care of yourself.

I'm trying to
take care of myself, okay?

I know that
I'm a huge fucking burden.

I knew it.
Just say it!

My PTSD is a huge
fucking burden.

For fuck's sake.
It's not that.

What?

Do... Say something.

I mean...

Does it suck that we can't
invite people over here? Yeah.

You know, does it...

Does it suck that you
still haven't met Ravi

and we've been
dating for five months.

And we always have
to stay at his place,

and he has the worst sheets.

Yes, that sucks.

But, dude, it's fine.

It's not fine.
I'm annoying.

Sam, you have
always been annoying

and we have always loved you.

Just, you know, let's...
Let's just drop it.

I'm trying, okay?
I'm doing my therapy.

It's just imaginal exposures
don't always work.

Maybe she does need to be
trying the in vitro exposure.

No. What?
It's in vivo.

I'm not a child, okay?

So, please stop
treating me like one.

And I'm sorry, Paige,
that you got good news

and I ruined your night.

Okay, you're not a child,

but you are... a daughter
and a friend

- and a girlfriend.
- Paige, don't...

No! And we all want
those Sams

to... to drop the Brooke thing

so that we can get
those Sams back, please!

I'm not a girlfriend, okay?

I'm not a girlfriend,
and I'm barely a friend.

I'm not contributing
anything to this friendship

or to society or to anyone.

So, just stop being
so fucking nice to me!

Okay, well, if you want,

you could start
paying full rent again?

Okay, well, I can't do that.

It's obviously cool.
I was just...

I'm sorry.

I just can't stop thinking
about how much Brooke hates me

and, like, what if
something's actually wrong

and then she, like,
dies thinking I ruined her life?

She's not dying, okay?

She's still
bullying us on Twitter.

Okay.

But, I really think you
should get in touch with Noah,

because he knows
this whole situation,

and this is just
so much for Philip and I.

I agree with Paige.

I mean, he's a really
good listener.

Actually, more than
either of you, but...

Okay, Sam, just either,
like, reach out to Noah,

or come to the all women's
ayahuasca retreat

I keep talking about,
but this has just got to stop.

And, you know...

maybe next time you're out

you just grab some toilet paper.

Okay.

Hey.

Can I come in?

Yeah.

Can I get in the bed with you?

Yeah, sure.

I'm glad you texted.

Are... Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Paige kind of made it sound like

you weren't doing so good.

Not that she told me much.

I don't... I don't wanna...

I mean,
I'm here if you wanna talk.

I could just listen to you...

What are you doing?
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you sure about this?
Hold on a second. Sam, wait...

Just... Just be quiet, okay?

It's fine.
Just let me...

Okay.

Okay, yeah. Yeah.

Holy shit.

That was, uh...

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Totally.

I'm fine.

Now, you guys are
probably here to see

everybody's favourite
skinny, rich, white girl.

Sam Cowell!

I do have to
be nice to the guys.

I'm going to be
nice to the guys.

Somebody had to
come backstage, like,

"Be nice to the guys."

Thank you guys so much!

Hey, guys.
Good to see you.

Oh, yeah.
No, that's crazy.

I've never climbed Kilimanjaro.

Hey.

Hi.
Good to see you.

Okay.

I showered.

Dude, you look hot.

Thank you.
It's killing me to be here,

but I do look hot.

You do!

You're not going to, like,
ruin the party,

and jump off
the roof or anything.

Oh, my God. No.

I would never ruin Paige's
green card approval party

by jumping off the roof tonight.

Have you seen Paige yet?

I mean, you cannot miss her.

I'm gay, I'm a genie,
and I'll grant you a wish!

I am really
happy for her, though.

She... She deserves this.

Yeah, you sound so happy

and not bummed
or jealous at all.

But I'm really glad
you left the house.

And I'm actually even glad that

you bought all
the American flag stuff,

- even though it is...
- Thank you.

Extremely American.

So American.

Yeah, so, now we just need
to get you back on stage.

You wanna help me
pick a new stage name?

What? Sam Cowell's
an incredible name.

Plus, you're probably the first
Google search result now, so.

Wow. Okay, fine.
I'm going to say it.

I did it for attention.

Sam!

You shouldn't be joking about
search engine optimization.

Yeah, you're right.
No. That's too far.

- It's too far.
- That's the line.

Some things we
shouldn't joke about.

No more.

I'm gonna get a drink.
Do you want one?

- I need one.
- Okay, yeah.

I have to have one.

Okay, well, I'll get you one.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.

Did she ever say
anything to you about a Nathan?

My God.

Parties were not like this
when we were in junior high.

They were in, like,
basements or 7/11 parking lots.

She told me
this was a sleepover.

- Where is she?
- Is that her right there?

- There you go.
- Brooke!

Hi.

Are you drunk?

It's just a birthday party.

Okay, let's get this on.

No, no. No, no, no.

- Hi.
- Hi!

Um, Brooke owes me and Nathan
$30 for the Smirnoff Ice.

- Thirty dollars?
- That's insane.

Mm.

Okay, yeah.
Um, do you have that? Sorry.

Yeah, sure. I'd like
to give you my last $20.

There you go. Enjoy.

No. No.
It's $30.

I'm not an ATM. Yeah.

Where did you guys
get all this alcohol?

There's... Everyone here
has an older boyfriend...

Or you know something.
I don't...

- I don't want to leave.
- Oh, okay.

We are going to
go to Niagara Falls.

- Yeah, we sure are.
- We're going home.

Let's go for it.
It'll be fun.

Phew.
I miss this view.

Yeah, we're really lucky.

I missed you.

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

Noah.

Oh, please.
Sam, no... That...

No. No, I... I thought
we were making progress.

We? I mean...

You and I just slept together.

Yeah.

What, so you're saying there's
no glimmer of "we" anymore?

I mean, there's barely
a me right now.

Yeah, yeah.
Okay.

Uh, well, do you think
there would be a you

to care about at some point?

What?

I don't know.
I'm just... I'm...

The pronouns are
confusing me here.

You... I...

Everyone needs
we's in their life.

Fuck, Noah. This is just
so not about you...

- No, I know.
- Or us.

I know I don't
exist in this, okay?

I'm just...
I'm just the ex-boyfriend.

I...

I just wish...

What?
What do you wish?

I wish I could have been there.

I know, but you weren't,
and that's okay.

That's... That's why I was
trying to be there after.

But how, Noah?

You know?

By getting in fights
on Twitter with trolls?

By asking me, like,
just why would he think that?

Okay, I will regret
that fucking question

for the rest of my stupid life.

I just can't be
around you, okay?

It just makes me
feel like shit to be

around the people
who were there.

But you can go
looking around for Brooke?

Yeah.

I guess that I can,

because Brooke is, like...

the one person
who doesn't pity me.

She hates me.

It's refreshing.

I am gonna go check on the ice.

You don't care about ice.

I do.

I care deeply about
the ice right now, Noah.

I'm sorry.

Who's this?

Hi, this is Tiff.

Uh, or...

Tiffer?

Yes, no.
Um, this... It's Tiffany.

Um, Brooke's friend from school.

What do you want with her?

Uh, no. Um...

That's not why
I'm calling, um...

I was wondering if I could...

Whoa, not on the phone.

Okay, look, if you want to buy,
you just gotta come by, okay?

- Come by the trap.
- What?

The greenhouse
behind the convenience store

on Main Street.

Yo, are you calling
from the city?

You sound kinda old, you know.

Uh, no.
I'm in Niagara, too.

This is my friend's phone, um,

and I just smoke a lot.

All right, all right.

Come by in, like, an hour, okay?

Peace... Out.

I can't believe
you know where she is.

And, I'm sorry, but who's
named Tiffany anymore?

I don't know, I just panicked.

Well, I'm packing you apples.

Okay, and you're sober
enough to drive?

Yes, I only had one beer.

And you're sober enough

to go out there
and be a big hero?

I just don't care what
anybody thinks anymore.

I don't even care
what Brooke thinks anymore.

I'm finding her.

Do you want us to go with you?

No, I have to talk
to her on my own.

I don't want to spook her.

I wonder what this
boyfriend drug dealer sells.

I was thinking Molly...

Guys!
Shut up, okay?

Brooke could be high
on anything right now.

Do you remember how stupid
we were when we were her age?

I mean, we tried
smoking dog hair once.

Ugh.
Hey, um, take my keys.

Please be safe.

And check in with us.

Okay.

Because teenage drug dealers
who live in Niagara Falls

probably, you know,
don't have a lot to lose.

I'm sure it'll be fine.
Just don't...

Don't think about Euphoria.

- Go!
- Okay.

Go get her, girl.

And how long had you
and Mr. Dolman been dating

on the night of October 13th?

It was our
three-year anniversary.

And yet you chose to
stay late at the Renner's.

It was my job to
stay late at the Renner's,

until Brooke fell asleep.

And that night you told

Brooke that you wanted
to leave with her

because of
a carbon monoxide leak.

But there was no leak.

No, I told her that
so that I could...

So, you lied to her
about your intentions

for wanting to leave the house?

I lied so that I wouldn't have
to leave her there

after... that.

And Brooke has gone on
the record, saying that

you were in love
with her father.

I was not in love with Cameron.

I found him really boring
and pretty sexist.

I was in love with Noah.

Hm.

Exhibit C is one of Ms. Cowell's
comedy clips from 2014.

If everyone could direct their
attention to the television.

I mean, if you're not
having rough sex, it's like,

are you having sex?

At that point it's just
procreation.

And in February of last year,

you were a guest on a podcast
called The Crimson Wave,

in which you said, and I quote,

"It was offensive that you
hadn't been hit on as a nanny."

Well, I mean, you're... taking
that out of context.

Oh, well, I don't understand.

Could you explain
what the context is?

The context of a joke.

I mean, also, you're not even
playing, like...

These are my worst clips.

I'm still flat-ironing
my hair in these.

I wasn't even nannying
for them at the time.

I'm...

There's no evidence
that states that my client

didn't see this material,

and that you didn't confirm

that you wanted to have
consensual rough sex with him.

Are you going to ask
what I was wearing next?

If the defendant
could please rise.

In the case of
the Queen versus Cameron Renner,

on the charges of
sexual harassment

and aggravated sexual assault,

I find the defendant guilty.

I sentence him to five years.

She's lying to you!

No, she isn't, Brooke.

I know this is
hard to understand.

No, it's not. She's trying
to take his money, okay?

And now he lost his job!

She just... she saw our house
and she saw... she saw his car,

and she was probably
glad when my mom died!

Brooke. Enough.

Noah. Noah, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea, I swear.

- An inkling...
- Why are you on their side?

- Stop it.
- Dad loved Mom, not her.

She's a liar!

Hey, we don't talk
about women like that.

Thank you, Jill.

Yeah, of course.

Get inside.
Come on.

Let's go.
Let's finish packing.

Go.

Holy shit.
I'm sorry.

Can we go?
Can we just go please?

We're going.

She wasn't supposed to be here.

Jesus.

Yo, Brooke said that,
too, though.

Alright, yeah.
Yeah, I'm down here.

Let's just go home.
Let's just go to my...

Yeah, that was stupid, bro.

I remember.

Yeah, yeah.
Brooke was there...

Yeah, yeah. That's my car.
Mine's the green one.

Yeah, all right.
Everyone in. Everyone in.

You're welcome.

Fuck.

Fucking cop dog.

I'm really sorry
you're back here, Samantha.

You can joke about
literally anything now,

so that's good.

You're funny!
You are funny.

Is that you treating us

to one of your stand-up
comedy things?

There's no evidence
that states that my client

didn't see this material,

and that you didn't confirm

that you wanted to have
consensual rough sex with him.

I just want
to know why you lied!

This is what you want to file?

She was probably
glad when my mom died.

Brooke!

You need to drop this

and start taking
care of yourself, dude.

I just wish...

One, two, three.

There you go.
Does that work?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Thanks for the extra film, Noah.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

There's not enough pictures of
you two on our fridge as it is.

Gross.

Okay, well, then you can leave.

Hey, make sure
you get everything.

- I did. Bye, Noah.
- All right.

Bye.

So, you want me to, uh,
stick around?

Uh, no, it's okay.

I have to help Brooke
with her math homework,

and Cameron is
actually home for once.

What?

Yeah, and we all know
that he's not a huge fan

of the babysitter's boyfriend.

I'm not wearing
my bulletproof vest.

I should get out of here.

You have to
wait up for me, though.

I would wait for you
'til 4:00 in the morning.

Okay, so I'll wake you up
when I get back?

Yes, please. Yeah.

I'll see you really soon.

I'll see you so soon.

You want some ice cream?

Sure.

Delicious ice cream?
Sure. I guess.

You're so funny.
You make me laugh. Thank you.

You know it was a lot
easier to cheer you up

when you were little.

Whatever.

Can you stay over tonight?

I really have to
get back tonight.

It's my anniversary.

♪ Pictures of people
you follow ♪

Does he go down on you?

What?!

How do you know
about going down?

Candace says that if
a guy goes down on you

and posts about you online,
then he's boyfriend material.

Wow.

Noah posts about you
on his stories a lot.

Yeah. Yes.
Yeah, he does.

That's actually pretty
insightful of Candace.

She's not wrong.

Okay, new conversation topic.

We've never...
We've never done this before.

Oh.

Are you good on your ice cream?

Mm-hm.

Okay. I have to go.

And you absolutely
need to go to bed.

It is so late.

Okay, watch. I'm going to
get this all in one.

Yes, there we go.

Go it.
Goodnight.

Please go to bed, okay?

Love you.

Love you, too.

Please stop.

Cameron?

Cameron, are you okay?

Here. It's a beer.

Oh, I was just checking
to make sure you were okay.

Um, I have to go soon.

- Brooke's asleep, so...
- Why wouldn't I be okay?

Because you're...
kind of drunk.

I'm still your boss.

You can't talk to me that way.

Okay. Sorry.

Um, I'm just going to finish up
the dishes, and then go...

Just...

I actually need to talk to you.

Okay.

What's up?

So...

I've been watching
more of your stuff...

online,

and I take it back.

You take what back?

That you're not funny.

You're actually funny.

- I'm actually funny?
- Mm-hmm.

Wow. Well,
thank you, Cameron.

That means a lot coming from
someone as riveting as you.

Your special, you said...

"It's weird,
'cause I like cops."

Yeah, but then
the punch line was,

"I'm more partial
to firefighters."

No. That's not
what I remember.

Okay. Well...

I'm sorry to disappoint you,
officer, but...

Hmm.

I'm going to go.

Not...

if I arrest you...

young lady.

Okay.

Well, I can talk my way
out of most tickets,

so I'm going to go now,
Mr. Renner.

Just don't...

"Mr. Renner."

It's Cameron.

Really?

It's fine. It's okay.
I'm sorry.

I think it was just
a misunderstanding.

I'm just going to go. We don't...
We can just forget about this.

I'm going to...

It's role play.

I've seen your show,
and I know you like it.

All right?

You scream and I'll arrest you.

Are you serious?
You're going to wake...

You can't resist an officer.

You have to comply,

and I know you like handcuffs.

Are you serious?
This is ridiculous.

This is...
You're just... You're, like...

I'm not ridiculous.

- Okay. I'm going to go.
- Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Oh, my God. Please stop. Fuck.

It's fine. It's fine.

Hey. Just look at me.
It's fine.

It's fine. Just look at me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Brooke? Brooke?

You need to get up now.

Brooke?

Brooke.

Why are you here?

Who lives here?

- I do.
- Who else lives here, Brooke?

Nathan and his brother.

How do you know Nathan?

I met him with Candace.

Oh, that fucking idiot.

Did Nathan give you drugs?
What are you on?

I just smoked pot.
A teener.

- It's...
- Holy shit. Is that meth?

Or oxy? What the hell
are teens doing these days?

I'm just chilled out, Sam.
Why are you even here?

Because I'm worried about you.

Your whole family
is worried about you.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Of course I am.
Come on!

That's ridiculous.
We're going, okay?

- No. I don't want to.
- Yes, Brooke.

Yo.

Who are you?

I'm Tiff.

All right, Tiff.

You shouldn't be here, okay?

Have you seen the news?

Do you know that Brooke
is considered missing?

Brooke's not missing anything,
all right?

You know what?
Get out of my house.

Not without Brooke.
Come on.

I don't want to go.

See? Brooke doesn't want
to leave, either, all right?

We're having a lot of fun here.

How old are you?

Are you 18?

Yeah. So what if I am?

Well, did you know
that the little girl

you've been feeding
God-knows-what to

is 14 years old?

- Sam, stop.
- Whatever.

She's taller than you are.

Okay? Plus, she told me
that she was, uh, 16, so...

Yeah? Well, last year,
she was in a one-piece snowsuit.

Wait a second.

I know exactly who you are.

You're the little bitch

that got Brooke's dad locked up
in the first place.

Don't you fucking dare
call me a little bitch!

Stop it!

Come on, Tiffer.
An apple?

You got to come packing
a little more than that.

- Get up, Brooke. Let's go.
- I am!

- Ow!
- Sam, stop it! Stop.

And I took Krav Maga
on my ClassPass

three times last year,
so do not fuck with me!

I'll kill you.

No, Nathan. If I ever see you
come near Brooke again,

I will come to
your shitty, smelly house,

and I will kill you!

- Stop!
- Let's go.

- Stop!
- Go.

Oh, my God!
Come on!

Brooke?

It's Sam.
It's...

You're in my hotel, or...

This is definitely
a motel, but...

I got you out of that house.

You kidnapped me?

Kidnapped you?
Brooke, you're a missing person.

I found you, okay?
I'm a hero.

I don't need your help,
Sam, okay?

What is it with you kidnapping
me from all these places?

They're literally my friends.
Jesus.

- Okay.
- Oh, God.

I looked up what a teener was

on Urban Dictionary, okay?

You're in big shit.

- Shut up.
- You're smarter than that.

Sam:
Okay. Maybe not.

Here you go.

Did any of those guys
make you do stuff with them?

What?

Did any of them pressure you
into doing stuff

that you didn't want to do?

I'm not talking to you
about any of that, Sam.

Okay, well, Nathan is 18,

so "any of that"
is technically illegal.

I turn 15 in two weeks, Sam.

Who cares if I made out
with him?

I don't know. I feel like
a lot of people would care.

Nathan is nice, okay?

He didn't do anything wrong.

Brooke...

And neither did my dad,
you freak.

- Brooke.
- Freak!

Brooke, your father
did do something wrong.

No, he did not.
Do not say that.

I know that
it's hard to understand,

but there was evidence.

It is not hard
to understand, Sam.

I've read all
the articles, okay?

- Oh, the articles? By who?
- Yes.

Jordan Peterson?
All the men's rights activists?

I hate you!

You didn't have to
ruin our lives!

I didn't do anything wrong!

You know I didn't
do anything wrong.

You did do something wrong, Sam.

Brooke, what did I do?

- My life was ruined!
- Your life?

- Yes.
- Your life?!

Yes! I can't eat.
I can't sleep.

- I can't go online.
- Fuck you!

I don't want kids.
I don't want Noah.

Fuck you. Fuck you!

I'm not funny anymore, Brooke.
Okay?

I'm not funny anymore.
Why would I have wanted that?

I don't know!

Then what could I have
possibly done to you, huh?

What did I do to you?

You left!

You left.

Even if he did do it,
you shouldn't have left me, Sam.

I'm sorry, Brooke.

I'm here, okay.

I'm here.

Okay.

So, how do I know that you're
not going to run away again?

Because if you promise to not
tell my aunt about the drugs,

I promise to stay there.

No deal, Brooke.

I only did it once, okay?
Really.

Yeah. Okay, Brooke.

And were you hiding it
inside your body, too?

For a friend?

Okay, fine.

But I do promise
I will never do that again.

It made me feel like shit.

It's the least glamorous drug.

It literally comes out of
your skin.

I didn't know what it was.

I thought it was just weed, Sam.

Okay.
I mean, it truly changes

the shape of your nose
and your face bones.

Sam, okay.

When we get to somewhere
with good Wi-Fi,

I'm showing you
before-and-after pics.

Okay.

Sam, there's one more thing

if I'm going to let you
turn me in.

So, you're bargaining now?

Well, we all know why
we came here tonight.

Here with her new hour,

she is traumatized
but funny as hell.

Put your hands together
for Sam Cowell!

Wow! Oh!

Um, hi, everybody.
I'm Sam.

And tonight,
I'm going to tell a rape joke.

So, um, my ex-boyfriend

will not stop making
my rape about him.

He has an identical hour.

Same material, right after this.

He's, like, "Please tell them
to stay for the next show."

So, if you're, like,

"I kind of need this,
but from a male perspective,"

hang out.