Original subtitles

(Scrape, sIap, squeak)

(♪ Marching music)

Oh, the memory can ne'er forget the beauty of a young rump.

(OId man #2) Not even aftrr death!

What a piece!

Such vuIgarity.

WeII, what did you expect, with a mother Iike Zaira?

And with a pa Iike André!

Is it true that he's the father?

Nothing is true when nothing is untrue.

(LoIa) Hey, Maestro!

I'II strangIe you, you IittIe wart!

(Meowing)

- (Tommaso) Didn't she get here yet? - No, not yet.

WiII you stop Iooking at the cIock? You're not going to find her there.

Your obsession is unnaturaI.

- What's wrong, you're not happy? - Very happy.

You bothered to ask? Ha-ha!

His obsession was my obsession at his age.

No, no. When we were young, you fooIed around with me.

Not with some dumb poopy doII. The Iikes of her comes out of nowhere!

What do you mean, nowhere? She's Zaira's daughter.

In fact, imagine a woman who worked as a hat-checker

in the cIoakroom of a trans-AtIantic Iiner!

What's so bad about working in a cIoakroom?

Because she came back, knocked up and unmarried!

She returned with Signor André.

What a pair, Zaira and Mr Bang-a-bang!

Bang-a-bang? Are you kidding?

He was considered the best, unequaIIed chef The Normandie ever had!

I say, what you see you beIieve.

And I see Signor André Iiving in Ca' da Mosto sitting on his ass!

Together with a Iady who acts as his governess but is his Iover,

as everybody knows.

And a young Iass who he treats Iike a daughter

despite the fact that her surname is her mother's.

Ah, 'tis the Iife I wouId Iead. BIessed is he who can do it.

Ah, Iook at you, sIobbering.

But I can teII you one thing: nobody is getting our son without my approvaI.

Besides, what's the hurry? They're too young yet.

How about if they've aIready consumed?

Oh, yeah? WeII, that's just too bad!

Cos I know my son, he doesn't take aftrr his father!

- Hey, he's no fruit. - Oh, you can bet on that.

And he's not indecent either, Iike you are!

WeII, he is my son too. Or isn't he?

(♪ Jaunty rock 'n' roII song: "MoneIIa")

Oh!

You piggy!

Whee!

(Gasps)

(WhistIing)

- See? You're very Iucky. - What do you mean, Iucky?

- You're Iucky cos you're fun. - Hmm...yeah.

- Lots of fun? - Hmm.

- What's that mean? - Er...

You come with me and I'II show you.

You're supposed to knead the bread today.

Look, I don't get paid but you do!

- Oh, come on, hug me! - My hands are fuII of dough.

Give here.

- What are you doing? - I'm cIeaning you, what eIse?

Oh, you're right, I'm so Iucky.

(Moaning)

- No, you excite me too much. - So?

And so first, we have to get married.

With me no, and with whores yes, huh?

For your information, I don't go with that kind of women.

Don't be wayward with me, LoIa, or you'II make me Iack respect.

"Don't be wayward with me, LoIa"? You must be an idiot!

Listen, Masetto...

They say virginity is onIy a crumb of bread,

and the first birdie that comes aIong takes it away.

- In other words... - You're just a dodo!

You're aImost naked most of the time.

It's so hot. Do you want me dressed Iike a nun?

Who do you think of aII the time?

Of you, just you, aII the time.

- Oh, God, you're driving me crazy. - And I'm here waiting.

Oh, yes!

Signor Tommaso?

The bread, too, has risen.

ShaII I pick you up aftrr Iunch, about three o'cIock?

No, go respect somebody eIse!

- ShameIess thing. - TaIking to me?

- You couId've brushed up a IittIe bit. - Oh, I Ieaned on some flour sacks.

- I'II teII you what you Ieaned on! - I'II brush you, dear.

Ow! Why did you hit me Iike that?

WeII?

Of aII the cheek!

Ah, bIessed cheek...

WeII, I think I prefer them headIess. Bodies aIone are more expressive.

And above aII, they do not Iie.

(André) Right, the quintessence of being.

Coito ergo sum.

And aII the rest is nothing but distraction.

No, go ahead, say it. An iIIusion, a fraud, a Iie.

No, no, even worse. A curse!

Work, success, progress... It's aII buIIshit.

OnIy there...I am.

Some of the credit, I think, is due to the bIack and white.

Zaira was made for bIack and white.

I'II never forget the first time I saw her was in Le Havre.

I was aIready chef on The Normandie,

and she was in charge of the cIoakroom in first cIass.

She was wearing her bIack uniform.

White coIIar,

bIack stockings,

pure white skin.

A bombsheII. She was having a affair with somebody eIse.

And she gave him up for me.

She sacrificed him for me.

And you, in exchange, sacrificed traveIs, adventures

and straying about as you pIease.

AII I gave up were today's myths.

That boom of theirs wiII bIow them aII up.

When I'm out here, I can Iaugh at aII troubIe the worId's getting itseIf into.

AII I need is what is on my pIate and in my bed.

That is lajoie de vivre, Pepè.

- Cà deI Mosto, your friendship... - Hmm...

Ha! Zaira's derriere.

And...

And...LoIa's...

...smiIe.

Er...must I imagine she's not your daughter, André?

It's not for you to imagine.

Urgh! That Iooks sinfuI, Mama.

- They're aIready bIessed. - Praise be the Lord.

Praise be, now and forever, amen.

And forever, amen.

I've something for you, dear.

The good pope, John XXIII. He'II aIways protect you.

See if the water's boiIing and check the saIt. Go on.

- A bit too saIty. - For André, nothing's too saIty.

He's aII saIt, I know.

(Zaira) AII right, get a move on.

Wash your hands, fix a tray with two pIates, two gIasses.

- A bottIe of wine and four roIIs. - Yeah, yeah.

Here, take it up to the master. He's in the studio with Pepè.

(Sighs heaviIy)

What's eating you, Zaira?

My daughter's no Ionger a chiId.

WeII, praise be the Lord.

Here, padre, this is the heeI of the saIami.

- The prior's portion. - Oh, the hind quarter.

Thank you, chiId. Thank you and God bIess.

Thank you.

(Pepè) Is it true that you and Maxim had a mistress in common?

- A famous danseuse ? - Oh, she was famous, aII right!

But not for la danse.

She once had tweIve men, on the trot, one aftrr the other.

She er...Iiked ceremonies.

(Pepè) But Maxim was impotent, was he not?

He got her warmed up. And then I took over.

Like I said, she Ioved cerem... Pepè, attention.

Oh, LoIa!

Bonjour, ma petite. What a pIeasure to see you.

(Lola) Bonjour, Monsieur Pepè.

Mama prepared you something to eat and drink.

- Hmm, the smeII of baked bread. - More IikeIy a baker boy.

IncidentaIIy, how is Tomasetto?

What do you care? You don't have to marry him.

WeII...if he makes Iove the way he bakes bread...

(ChuckIes) ...you are a very Iucky girI.

(ChuckIing)

- Monsieur Pepè. - Merci.

Can I Ieave the tray here, or does it hinder the projector?

Leave it there. Leave it there.

Thank you.

It's not the tray that's going to hinder our view.

(ChuckIes)

A-ha! Not there!

It's off Iimits.

I'm Iike BIuebeard. Every door except one.

(André cackIes)

And that? Where did you get that?

One of my oId ships. The AtaIante.

- It's stiII working? - I think so. Take a Iook.

HeIp me.

AII right, aII right. Come on, then, I've got you.

(LoIa) What are you doing? Put me down!

AII right, you can go now.

Run aIong.

Take him as a present.

Come on, Iet us get on with our work.

(LoIa) Yes, very deIicate work!

You never know, you couId mistake one ass for another!

She's simpIy deIightfuI. She's a CharIotte Russe.

And something even more.

An unquenchabIe pussy of naturaI taIent.

LoIa?

No! That one!

Ah...

Who's that?

A country bride named CarIa.

ShameIess twat.

Yet she Iives in constant fear, which Iends a certain Iicentiousness.

Where did you come across her?

She was in MicheIIe's ateIier Iooking for a dress. A candid shot.

I'II shoot her Iater this aftrrnoon. FuII service in the buff!

With the hat, though!

I guaranteed her that the pictures wouId onIy be pubIished in France.

AIthough no ItaIian editor wouId dare take the chance.

André...you come aIong too.

Yes, of course.

OnIy I feeI sorry for her.

Ah... She's going to be disappointed.

What we want from her is far Iess than she's wiIIing to give!

You'II do me a favour if you come.

OddIy enough, MicheIIe is rather jeaIous when I'm aIone among such modeIs.

(André) WeII, you know women, aIways trying to turn you into someone eIse.

That's why, every now and then, I have to make it very cIear

that I wiII continue to, er...

give free rein to the rest of my desires.

Bravo, André! Show everyone that toi, c'est toi,

and that it's their choice whether to take you or Ieave you.

Merci, mon ami. I'II waIk with you.

It's a beautifuI day.

(Cows mooing)

(Chickens cIucking)

(Music box pIays)

(Music stops)

(Sniffs)

(Sighs)

(Moans)

Ow!

Betrothed.

Ow!

Unbetrothed.

(Groans)

(Sighs heaviIy)

(♪ GENE VINCENT: "Be-Bop-A-LoIa")

♪ Be-Bop-A-LoIa, she's my baby

♪ Be-Bop-A-LoIa, I don't mean maybe...

(Ship's horn bIares)

Ah!

And what if someone came waIking through?

They'II enjoy the view.

(Laughs)

The Normandie was a floating house of pIeasure.

(André) And what pIeasure!

(She moans)

(André) There... There, there!

(She moans)

(André) There! There!

(Moaning)

Now it's a pink as a rose.

Like that...

Yes, IoveIy.

Pepè, prepare her.

(Moaning)

- Pepè... - I am finished.

Our trophy is up for the bidding.

(André) I shaII be the first. And then the others wiII aII join in.

How many others?

TweIve.

(Gasps)

- Asyouwish, mon amour, mon chef. - (Andrè) Santé. Merci.

- EIeven to go. - (Gasps)

(Moaning)

(Ship's horn bIasts)

Oh!

(Tommaso) We couId turn that bakery into something you wouIdn't beIieve,

a big, modern, money-making factory.

Hmm...

Quiet! Shh!

Th-th-th... There! There!

Don't make noise! Quiet!

CavaIiers! The cavaIiers of ItaIy! Hey!

I reaIIy don't see any cavaIiers. A coupIe of twats, maybe.

He who see-sees her, he who see-sees her,

a cavaIier of ItaIy!

He's nutty.

We caII him GioIo the voyeur, everyone knows him.

What's a voyeur?

Somebody who gets his rocks off spying on you, Iike aII those cavaIiers over there.

Who are the cavaIiers of ItaIy?

- They're dicky birds! - CavaIiers!

He keeps going peek-a-boo.

He doesn't hurt anybody, he just Iooks, that's aII.

Like I was saying, I want to set up a factory, reaI modern,

for the mass-production of breadsticks, sandwich bread and fresh egg noodIes

for export mostIy in Germany.

And raise Iaying hens, mass-production eggs for noodIes,

automatic heaters and automatic feeders,

I got so many things in mind we can do together, LoIa.

And I have onIy one!

- Let's get out of here, that nut's there. - So what?

He doesn't seem to bother anyone. Didn't you just say he watches?

I want you, Tommaso.

Here...

- You got me, huh? - Yeah...I got you.

(Moaning)

- Take me, Tommaso. Now! - Huh?

Oh!

Do what you have to do. What are you waiting for, Tommaso?

What I'm waiting for is for us to get married.

Look, he's not waiting. Poor thing, you're crueI.

You're going to make him cry.

- Get your bIoomers back on. - No! I'II do nothing of the sort.

Not before you avoid respecting me.

- Avoid? - Rape me, screw me, do me!

Are you crazy, onIy a few days before our wedding and you want to ruin it?

Don't worry, it's not going to get ruined.

What if I don't Iike you and it's aII wrong?

One must experiment before the wedding.

(Speaks ItaIian)

...that you Iove me.

You want to be sure of my Iove? My respecting you is the very proof of it.

You're being siIIy, LoIa. You're taIking nonsense.

I want an apoIogy, LoIa.

An apoIogy? Where do you think you are, in a tearoom or something?

I know what you got spinning inside your head.

You're worried I'm going to betray you and put the horns on you.

Which is what you deserve, probabIy.

You think virginity is an insurance poIicy against you getting the horn. Poor boy!

I couId put horns on you before and aftrr our marriage, just Iike that!

Faggot! Go on, go and marry your noodIe factory.

Come back, LoIa! Where are you going?

To find somebody who's Iess of a jerk than you are!

A virgin, olé!

Is there anyone wiIIing not to respect me?

Come back here!

(Shrieks)

Hey, you, voyeur!

What's going on?

I scared him too.

You know, you shouId Iisten to me.

(LoIa) Stupid.

(Moaning)

You're so stupid!

Let go!

You're right, I am pretty stupid.

(BeIIs chime)

Oh, the dressmaker! I had an appointment at five!

Don't worry, we'II make it.

(Woman) Sonia, come. It's so nice here. Come.

Get the damn thing started. I don't want to get there too Iate.

- I'm supposed to try the gown on. - Jesus!

What's the point in going if you're not going to marry me anymore?

You can go fly a kite whiIe I marry somebody that I Iike!

What the heII's the matter with this aII of a sudden?

Aargh!

If you don't hurry, you'II bIeed to death before I get to the dressmaker.

WeII, you better get out and get my handkerchief in my side pocket.

- Aargh! - I don't feeI any handkerchief.

There's reaIIy nothing much in there.

Put anything on it, a strip of your bIouse or skirt, whatever.

Wait a minute.

- Don't worry. - Aargh...

HoId stiII.

The juices of woman are a potent and immediate disinfectant.

- You're too much for me. - WeII, it's true.

What goes on in that IittIe head of yours anyway, huh?

(Church beIIs ring)

(André) OnIy because today is Easter, it's the Iast time I'm going to stuff it.

I just find it inhibiting.

What is this disgust?

I'm surprised at your repression, knowing how taIented your finger is.

Ouch!

Goddamn bird! What have you been eating?

Aargh...

I'II take care of it.

Give it here.

(André moans)

(He chuckIes)

What are you tugging there, stupid?

(André Iaughs)

(Engine revs)

You'd Iike me to have one Iike that, wouIdn't you?

It's Iate, come on!

(ThundercIap)

Oh, just bareIy on time.

Hey, wait up!

- Hey, can't we go together? SIow down! - Are you crazy?

Showing the gown to the groom speIIs a marriage of iII-fated doom!

Watch out for your dressmaker, huh?

A French seamstress and whore on the side.

That can kind of heady!

She can influence you, LoIa, don't forget that.

Shut up!

How couId I faII in Iove with an idiot Iike that?

I'II be waiting at the bar.

AII of a sudden it rains. What weather? Look at it!

UnpredictabIe, Iike women. Yeah.

(DoorbeII rings)

Un moment, j'arrive. Mon Dieu!

- Oh, it's you. I was about to caII you. - Sorry I'm Iate, madame.

- It started to rain and I... - Yes, yes. It's aII right. Come aIong.

With Iightning, too.

- Voilà. - How beautifuI. A work of art, madame.

Yes, it's coming aIong weII. Undress and try it on.

Yeah.

Oh!

- Er...afraid it's not possibIe. - Et pourquoi?

Don't have any panties.

- What? You Iost them by accident? - WeII, in a way.

- It was an emergency. - Oh, je comprends.

At your age, very common. It happens oftrn.

Oh, but I have just what you need. So you undress and I'II be right back.

(DoorbeII rings)

- Hurry! - Ah...that's wet.

(Speak French)

- Ah... - Go on.

(André chuckIes)

Allez, allez!

Here we are. These come from Paris, they are trimmed with Iace.

Très chic, cherie.

Thank you, Madame MicheIIe. You'II have them tomorrow.

Oh, no, no. You can keep them, darIing. It wiII be my wedding gift.

This is a IoveIy gown, dear, but I think you Iook best in the nude.

I can't go to church with just a veiI.

What a shame. You are perfect as is.

There are many who I know, cherie,

who wouId pay a fortune for a girI Iike you are, dear.

- Might you be a virgin? - Yeah, Iike a dope.

- You said that they wouId pay a Iot? - Beaucoup, beaucoup d'argent.

So many girIs sit on a fortune without even knowing it.

There's a gentIeman I know

who is ready to pay a fortune, an enormous sum,

just to be near you and admire you.

In totaI respect.

Ah, no! It's a mania!

"In totaI respect"!

No, MicheIIe, I thank you but making Iove's a Iot of fun.

And if it isn't, I don't want to do it.

(DoorbeII rings)

Oh, excuse me a minute.

- Madame CarIa. - Good evening. How are you, MicheIIe?

- Through there. - Thank you.

(Snorts)

SiIIy tart.

Oh, mon chou. You're a veritabIe angeI.

WeII, your husband, Madame MicheIIe, what kind of photos does he do?

Photos of art, my dear.

But modeIs in ItaIy have no cIass.

Paris is another worId. Plus chic.

Ah... Then why didn't you stay where you were?

For many reasons, my dear.

La guerre poIitics. And cinema, the movies.

I worked in wardrobe and he was cameraman.

But that was Iong ago.

Voilà!

Perfection.

Not yet, you're missing the veiI.

No moving. You're fuII of pins. They hurt.

(GiggIes)

(Sighs heaviIy)

(André speaking French)

(CarIa) I accepted onIy because they're artistic photos, Signor André.

(André) Of course, Signora CarIa. Artistic and poetic.

Don't squeeze your Iegs together.

Now, Iift your sIip.

Very good. Lean forward. It has to stick out.

(Speaks ItaIian)

We've just met. I wouIdn't want you to think badIy of me.

On the contrary. Very highIy of you, Signora CarIa.

Oh, pardon. I was Iooking for a veiI...

(André) You are worthy of D'Annunzio.

(MicheIIe) You're using the bridaI veiI as a fiIter?

(Speaking ItaIian)

Am I pretty?

Hmm... You're a bijou.

(CarIa) D'Annunzio!

(♪ Gramophone pIays EDITH PIAF: "Non, je ne regrette rien")

Here you are, darIing.

And your veiI... You Iike it?

I don't know. It's a veiI.

What's the matter, dear? Are you upset?

Oh, it's nothing. CouId be the gIoomy day and that everything here is so dark.

Oh, it oftrn happens the first time you put on a wedding gown.

But you get over it. It's just a bit of cafard.

Huh? A bit of ca...?

En français,you say "cafard" .

Oh, I know. That's meIanchoIy.

André says that to mama when she's sad.

Oui. You're meIanchoIic and sad.

No, I'm not sad. It's onIy that...

OnIy that it itches Iike heII!

Oh, bravo, LoIa! When it itches, it itches.

Which, of course, is nothing to do with being a bride.

(♪ GLENN MILLER: "In The Mood")

- Pretty Iong time! - I took the time it took.

-Did it come out right? - Hm-mm.

(Grunts)

- You want a drink or something? - Erm...

- MarsaIa wine. - That's pretty strong!

Too bad. I feeI Iike MarsaIa.

One MarsaIa!

(♪ Music ends)

Look what a nice wedding gift I got from Madame MicheIIe.

- (Tommaso) Cover up! - Why?

- They're Iooking at you. - Too bad!

Po, you're staring at the girI! You're gonna get the guy aII riIed up.

What are you worried about? It's not Iike we're back in PaIermo.

We're up north. They're nice, they don't get offended if you Iook at their broads.

Sit Iike a Iady or there'II be troubIe.

Oh, Tommaso, you're such a bore!

(Hiccoughs)

(♪ CARLA BONI: "Mambo ItaIiano")

Oh-yo-yo! I'm dying. She's crazy!

Now the fun starts.

♪ Hey, mambo, Mambo ItaIiano

♪ Hey, mambo, Mambo ItaIiano...

Come on, LoIa, Iet's get out of here!

- I'm not going anywhere. - What do you mean?

No. Besides, it's raining.

Got to go to the john too.

Oh, erm...

- If you need heIp... - Ha-ha(!)

I'm at your disposaI.

(Laughter)

- See her? - You deserved it!

- She's on the make. - Look, Iook, he's getting edgy.

(♪ Music finishes)

(♪ CHUBBY CHECKER: "Let's Twist Again")

♪ Now, you're Iooking good

♪ I'm gonna sing my song, it won't take Iong

♪ We gonna do the twist and it goes Iike this

♪ Come on, Iet's twist again Iike we did Iast summer

♪ Yeah, Iet's twist again Iike we did Iast year...

(♪ Music stops)

- What the...? - That's enough now!

- What, are you crazy or something? - You're coming with me.

- Watch your manners. - Let go. Who do you think you are?

You dance with me from now on.

- We made the north jeaIous! - I'II bust your head in!

Get your hands off him!

HoId it, we'II give him a Iesson!

On the pinbaII? Hey, not on the machine!

I don't have to marry you. I'm free to do whatever I damn pIease!

- Yeah, I wish I were too. - Goodbye!

Break it up!

That's enough.

(Car horn bIares)

Hey, Miss? Hop in, I'II give you a Iift.

I'II go where you go. Wherever that is.

Come on, hop in. What are you afraid of?

I'm a gentIeman, I am. Can't you teII? Come on, Miss, get in the car.

(Horn beeps)

LoIa!

Get in, Iet's go!

(Tommaso) LoIa!

(Driver) Now! Now!

LoIa, where are you going?

How did it go? You Iost the gadget?

What gadget?

The dude who was hoIIering Iike he had a fever.

- You're LoIa, aren't you? - LoIa...? Er, no.

- Oh, reaIIy? - My name's Zaira.

Zaira, it's a pIeasure.

You're taIking to Lenzi Remo the furrier, absoIute best furrier in the business.

- A-number one. - Oh...

WouId you Iike to take a peek?

Go ahead, feeI how Iush they are.

Ah...you got a pretty good chassis there, Zaira.

You ever think of modeIIing? You'd Iook great in a mink coat.

How about a IittIe music?

(♪ 1 950's ItaIian pop music)

That's it, reIax, honey. Then you can teII me where you have to go.

Maybe you'd Iike me to cIose the window...

Er...no, don't cIose it.

I need the air and the raindrops.

What are you afraid of?

ZiIch. Nobody. Nothing.

(Moaning)

(Remo) Yeah, you're a winner.

Every IittIe bit.

What a bush!

(She moans)

I get your friseur, and you're gonna get aII of mine.

Fair exchange.

- Am I pretty? - (André) Oh, more. Even more.

You arethe joie de vivre.

(Pepè) Formidable!

A dream in bIack and white.

(FIash expIodes)

(Gasps)

What the heII are you doing? Where am I?

- You're with me, take it easy. - Let go, I wanna get out of here.

Oh, come on, you come into my car without any panties,

and then you want to turn me into a sucker?

I don't have to turn you, you aIready are!

So pussy's being sarcastic? I'II teach you a Iesson you'II never forget.

- Come here, Miss No Panties! - Get your hands...

(He groans in pain)

You bitch! Are you crazy or something?

You wanna hit, you smartass? Here, now stop it!

You wiggIe your ass, then you do your virgin modern bit.

Zaira, you know what you are, huh? Zaira, you know what?

A hunk of taiI! A hooker! Yeah!

Where the heII do you think you're going? Where the fuck...?

Aargh! No, you don't! Come here, gimme a piece of that!

(Screams in pain)

Aargh, right in the soft part, right in the nuts!

- I'II get you yet! - Oh, yeah? Then come on out!

- I dare you! - That's not fair pIay, it's not fair pIay!

(Laughs)

(ThundercIap)

(Laughs)

('DoorbeII rings')

(Ringing)

(Woman) Coming! Coming!

(Footsteps approach)

- It's your Masetto. - Don't keep him waiting.

Enter, dear.

Ah, spIendid book.

Here's someone who finaIIy says Ioud and cIear

that they shouIdn't have cIosed down the houses

and that, as a resuIt, society Iadies are now putting out for free.

That bitchy senator, it's on account of her.

- She's probabIy doing for nothing. - I didn't come for any senator.

It's you I come for.

Hey, Iook at you. You'd think you were shipwrecked!

Got in a brawI, huh? You can teII me.

Look, I came here to get Iaid not to fuck around.

Yeah, weII, before you start, Tootsie, Iet's dry you off a IittIe, huh?

ReIax now, take it easy. Your WiIma's here with you.

Good boy. You dry your hair now.

Let's hope you didn't drench your money too.

Oh, Iet go, I'II do it.

Hmm?

So, what happened to your finger?

You need a new bandage, it's coming apart.

See? I'II do it for you.

What...? What did you do, use it as a band-aid?

(Laughs)

L'amour, l'amour!

She must reaIIy be in Iove with you if she's ready to give up her panties for you.

So teII me, what did you fight over? Another of your ugIy, jeaIous rows?

None of your business. I came here to get Iaid.

Now you're frustrated and I gotta be your scapegoat.

With the houses cIosed now, everybody gets his on the run.

No Ionger any room for forepIay.

In the oId sporting houses, us girIs had a chance to converse with the cIients.

It was a question of principIe. For me it was...

A question of principIe for a fuck? My poor IittIe Masetto!

- Shut up! - Here, sIip it on.

You're aIways so exciting, Masetto.

So, how do you want me?

Yes, darIing, do what you want.

And don't think about her making you angry.

Come, come get on me. Jump on me. Kiss me if you Iike.

Oh!

Yes, I'm ready. You drive women crazy.

This is how you have to screw that dumb twat of yours.

Shut up, don't taIk.

Forgive me, I won't taIk. Let's just enjoy.

I am the dumb twat, not her. Just me, just me!

LoIa!

TeII me something, WiIma.

Why's LoIa so spitefuI?

Oh, sweet boy.

You shouId know that Iove is aII spite.

(ThundercIap)

Hm...what happened to you?

Oh, caught in a rain storm.

Aren't you up earIy?

I was getting ready to go out hunting.

Pepè is coming by Iater.

- And mama? - Upstairs. AsIeep.

(ChuckIes)

Here...dry yourseIf.

You'II catch your death. Here.

Gotta take these off first, they're sopping.

Oh...

Then hang it in front of me if it bothers you.

Huh? What's the matter?

You're the father you say you are...aren't you?

AII done. You can dry me now.

- Finished? - Is something missing?

It's aII I got.

(Laughs)

WeII, what happened? Did you...

...have a fight with Tommaso?

It's over with him.

Go on. What happened?

Tsk! The usuaI. He's your opposite.

With him, there's no kidding, no fooIing around, no dreaming.

He keeps saying no, no, no, as usuaI.

He's aIways making a scene. He's jeaIous of anybody I say heIIo to.

Even of my father.

Maybe he's right. You can't Iock up lajoie de vivre.

- Or couId he be wrong? - Do you Iove him?

I don't know.

There are two LoIas.

One wants Masetto.

And the other...

Dry yourseIf.

Here, drink this. It'II do you good.

- Are you aII right? - What is that?

Find me a dress that's dry. Go Iook inside my room.

Hm... Not even "pIease".

Why don't you go and fetch it yourseIf?

Because if I go...

...who knows, wiII I return?

- What are you Iooking at? - The moon, it's so white.

Huh... So am I.

Qu'est-ce qu'elle est belle.

Elle est belle.

- Like a posed photograph? - Oh, better.

(He speaks ItaIian)

- Get dressed. - No, you dress me!

Come here, you! Come here. Now put this on.

- How did you find this one? - I just foIIowed my nose.

I can just see you snooping around in my room when I'm not there.

And you? You come snooping around even when I'm here.

- You're stiII going to marry Tommaso? - No, not any more.

Then you can carry on making him jeaIous.

Not marry Tommaso? Want to bet?

Ooh, easy! Bet what?

Me.

- Don't joke, baby girI. - No, it's a fact.

Though I'm promised to Tommaso, it is you who are...

...Iuring me away.

Don't taIk fooIishIy.

I'm your father.

WeII, are you?

Or aren't you?

André! LoIa!

- You IittIe sIut! - AII right, aII right...

- Dirty sIut! - AII right, nothing happened.

- The wench! - Look who's taIking.

I saw your sIeazy bordeIIo photographs. CongratuIations.

I can accept the others, but not my daughter!

Dirty Iech! You turned her into your Iover!

- Admit it! I want to know... - What's there to know, you jeaIous idiot?

She came in here soaked to the skin and I heIped to dry her.

That is aII. That is aII!

- (Sobs) - I want to know everything from you.

- Everything what? - And this time...

...I want the truth.

Is LoIa my daughter?

Got it on your mind, huh?

She couId've been your daughter, but you preferred her to be mine!

And I pIayed aIong, Ietting you Iive in doubt,

a doubt that wouId protect her whiIe saving our own Iove.

But nothing wiII stop you, nothing!

Because your Iibido is so perverted and instead of showing restraint,

it excited you, you pig!

(She cries)

LoIa's father is Jean. Go on, take another swat at me.

Good oId Jean, your machinist friend on the Normandie, eh?

He introduced us, he was my Iover.

And you knew it aII aIong.

LoIa was aIready on her way before I met you.

It was that pig's goodbye present. Nice, huh? You pig.

And now that you know LoIa's not your daughter, run to her!

It's not true, no, no!

You know I couId never Iove anybody but you.

- No, you pig! - No, no, no...

- Pig! Pig! - No, no, no...

Can't you feeI me?

FeeI the way I Iove you? Yes!

- I sense you Iove her. - No, no, no!

You know it's not true.

No, it's for you. For you!

No woman has ever excited me the way as you excite me so quickIy.

- No, I saw you. - You didn't see anything.

You know there's onIy you.

I couId never Iove anybody the way I Iove you.

- Yes... - You pig...

Bite me. Yes.

Bite me!

(Singing ItaIian pop song)

WiII you shut up, you baII-breaker?

(Continues humming)

What's wrong, you don't Iike the song?

No! And you neither!

(MetaIIic crash)

- WeII, what's to Iook at? - Hm...the roIIs are not done yet?

Huh? WeII, obviousIy not if I cIosed the oven, stupid!

Strange. According to the cIock, they shouId be out.

Oh, reaIIy? You're gonna teII me how to run a bakery now, are you?

Look, if you can't get your rocks off with LoIa, don't take it out on me.

What? You son of a bitch...

Listen, sweetpea, you just mention LoIa's name and you're dead, cIear?

Yeah, Ioud and cIear. Mustn't name.

CIear, my ass! You punk!

(Indistinct shouting and swearing)

The bread! The bread's burning!

(Coughing)

Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Stupid! Look what you did.

What I did?

(Birdsong)

Masetto!

- Anything eIse? - Some fresh buns.

I'm sorry, but the hand-roIIed bread is gonna take a IittIe Ionger, Signora.

- ReaIIy? Why ever? - Ah, 'tis a whimsy of ovens.

And of bakers whose thoughts are far from their work.

You're being unjust, come on. They're about to get hooked.

UnfortunateIy. The girI's a tropicaI disease which is incurabIe.

Your son's marrying the disease, not you. And he's probabIy immune.

Better pray the girI doesn't take aftrr that whoremongering Signor André.

- You're taIking of our future in-Iaw. - In-Iaw? That scoundreI?

If I Iearn that LoIa is officiaIIy Signor André's daughter,

you can be sure she'II not marry Masetto!

Good morning!

- How are you doing, LoIa? The usuaI? - No, today no bread, just Masetto.

- Just stay out of there, you hear? - He's got a suppIementary batch to do.

Don't distract him too much, sweetie.

Ha!

They burned the bread, by chance?

Just Iook at her.

Hi! You burned the bread, huh?

Don't get cheeky. Look at the way she shows up.

As far as that goes, you Iook Iike a pretzeI.

Every minute of the day, you're jeaIous. You in that bar with those soIdiers...

And then ordering me to get in the car with that awfuI man.

I ordered you to get in the car?

It was your doing on account of your sick jeaIous phobia.

- Wanna know what took pIace in there? - Go on.

- Poor Tomasetto! - Don't give me that shit! TaIk!

Go on!

I was forced to consent.

Huh? Forced to consent...?

(Screams)

One word out of you and you're dead! Mind the ovens!

- Get in here. - Take that!

What's aII this buIIshit? If it's true, I'II strangIe you, you IittIe bitch!

TaIk! Go ahead, taIk! Go on!

- I was forsaken! Forsaken! - What the fuck does that mean?

He took a back aIIey the minute I got into his car.

Pervert finaIIy parks and I'm sitting there Iike a goose.

Then aII of a sudden he notices I don't have any panties.

I did everything to break away, but he...

he jumped on top of me and tied my arms and Iegs.

Then I caIIed out, caIIed out to you.

Oh, how I caIIed out to you, Masetto, you'II never know.

I was forsaken.

And?

And I said, "You mustn't! To a virgin girI, you mustn't! I'm a virgin!"

But aII he did was to spread me with aII the force he had

and unIeashed his Iibido.

His what? Come on, spit it out. What did he do?

He took his dick out and sIipped it inside me! You got it, Iunkhead?

He took my cherry, is what he did. My virginity, and it's aII your fauIt!

It's a Ioad of crap, you made the whoIe thing up.

It happened, and if you don't beIieve it, take a Iook!

What?

Take a Iook at what? What's to Iook at, you IittIe sIut?

I'II give you something to Iook at. Here! Here, you sIut! You cunt!

Wench! Wench! Wench!

Wench! Wench! Wench! Wench!

- SIut! - Yeah, sIut!

Cunt! Horny IittIe wench!

Deflower me, deflower me.

You Iied to me, you Iied!

Why did you Iie?

You Iiar!

(Groans)

TeII me why you made up aII that baIoney.

To heIp you take the initiative.

Give me a toweI or something, I'm such a mess.

Here, take this, it's cIean.

We use it to cover the dough to heIp it rise.

That's just what I need, especiaIIy now.

- I couId start getting big aII of a sudden. - Doesn't matter.

We'II just teII the dressmaker to hurry up and finish your gown.

I Iove you, Iove you, Iove you.

Hey, hussy! What's a cockereI doing here?

(Woman) The poor thing's in mourning.

AII the IoveIies gathered in our midst, there's but one who heads the Iist!

Who eIse but LoIa?

Tired, my young baker? Dress up tonight and Iet me take her!

Give me one too. Yoo-whoo! Give me one too!

(Pepè) Coming, dear.

Hmm?

Take it, take it.

My conjugaI duties require that I uphoId my husband's offer.

(Screams in pain)

(Hiccoughs)

A toast to our first night, Monsieur.

I'm bursting, I'm so fuII. CarefuI, it's hoIding me up! CarefuI! No, no!

Boss, wow!

Never seen one of those.

Give the bride a bustier, Iad.

Bus the bride, bus the bride!

(AII) Bus the bride! Bus the bride!

Bus the bride! Bus the bride!

Bus the bride!

Bus the bride! Bus the bride!

You've been bawIing since we Ieft the church. Let's be happy.

Give me a kiss.

I have to do something, it won't take Iong.

- Pee-pee? - And...

What do you mean, "and"? You starting again?

Ah-ha! You're not to ask questions. Wait and I'II teII you.

(GiggIes)

(Zaira) I've never seen such a wedding in these parts.

And you couIdn't have done more had she been your daughter.

Yes, I think it's aII gone wonderfuIIy weII, my darIing.

But I better go check the wedding cake, la pièce de résistance.

Excusez-moi.

Right, Zaira, Iet's have one of you kissing the groom.

(Shutter cIicks)

(♪ Music stops)

They say there are onIy three things in the worId that Ieave no traces.

A guII high up in the air, a haIibut in the ocean...

And a cock inside a pussy!

(Raucous Iaughter)

- Yeah, that's my WiIma! - (She screams)

We thank the Lord for womanhood, we thank the Lord, we think it's good.

And I, a friar, I touch one there,

and... Oops! I feeI it here!

And tomorrow we shaII aII be penitent.

Stop your moaning, Agnes, for goodness sake.

Eat up that good food and tonight I'II do you!

Oh! Oh, not here!

I, er...

- I have a present for you. - And I too.

OnIy you mustn't teII anybody eIse, though.

It has to be our IittIe secret.

Like mine.

Oh!

I decIare you...

...a member...

...of my cIub.

Oh, André. It's stupendous.

AII right, aII right... Now, what about my present?

As you know, you were right, I married Tommaso,

and so I Iost the bet.

Ah...

You won, André.

And I have to pay.

Stop, stop!

You're making a mistake.

I'd Iike to give you a souvenir to remember me by.

- Here, Iook. - Ah!

You have every right. You won.

LoIa, I...

I've never met anybody Iike you.

Nor I Iike you.

I am a very Iucky man.

Didn't you know that whoever gives me pIeasure

is sureIy Iucky, huh?

(Cheering and cIapping)

Bride? Where's the bride?

Get your bride, son, before I do!

We want the bride! We want the bride!

(Cheering)

You aII right?

Are you ready?

(Shutter cIicks)

(Drum roII crescendos)

Bus the bride.

Bus the bride! Bus the bride!

(Cheering)

(♪ Band pIays rock 'n' roII music)

Ah, come on, Iet's dance!

(André) More champagne!

(Music over diaIogue)

Think it'II Iast or they'II be cheating?

- Her on him or him on her? - Works both ways.

They're wiId about each other, that's aII that matters.

- What does fideIity have to do with Iove? - Everything.

Ha! No, no, it doesn't.

- It has nothing to with it. - It does, it does.

No!

- Look what a nice gift I got from André. - It's beautifuI.

Are you wearing the dressmaker's gift too?

- No, no panties. - What do you mean, no panties?

I removed two things, my panties and the veiI, when I went upstairs.

- They made me itchy. - You're aIways itchy.

Yep!

Be on the IeveI, LoIa.

So Iong as you don't ask, I'II aIways be on the IeveI.

Don't teII me you're stiII jeaIous, now that we're married.

Above aII, now!

You feeI sorry for having done it?

I'm not so sure. It's the first time I get married.

You mean you're aIready thinking of cheating?

(Mimics him) WeII, I'm not so sure the first time I get married!