Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Carla, you look spiffy. You going out tonight?

Yep, Eddie and I are catching a movie. It's his last night in town.

He's going out on the road again with the ice show.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Oh, nothing.

Well, you know, I got this image of, you know,

chorus girls in skimpy costumes, you know, skating around,

and a lonely husband on the road, far away

from his connubial connubials, if you know what I mean.

- Well, are you not worried? - Not at all.

I know my Eddie and I trust him completely.

He's the sweetest, most faithful, loving husband in the whole world.

And I thank God every day he married me.

If ever there was a one-woman man, it's Eddie LeBec.

- Carla, what movie you going to see? - Fatal At traction.

Good evening, everyone. You'll be glad to know

I decided to take your advice and become more dynamic.

I have just left a seminar that has changed my life.

In a few short hours, I have become the essence of self-assertiveness.

Five, four, three, two, one.

What's going on?

What's going on?

Hey, I wanna know... What's happening?

If somebody doesn't tell me what's going on,

I am gonna start crying.

We're sorry. We didn't know you were here.

- Today is our anniversary. - This was the day, two years ago,

where Cheers beat that scourge down the road,

Gary's Old Towne Tavern, in bowling.

- That's the big deal? - It's the only time we won anything.

- I take it they've beaten us at things. - At everything.

Touch football, softball, darts, ugliest toes, you name it.

I think the current tally is 173 to 1,

but we are presently on a winning streak.

We're number one.

We're number one. We're number one.

- Yeah. - We're number one.

Hey, Sammy, Sammy, isn't it about time for the call?

By golly, yes, it is.

Hear ye, hear ye.

- Time for the ceremonial call to Gary. - The call.

- The call. - The call.

- The call. - The call.

- All right. - Yeah.

Hello, Gary? It's Sam Malone.

Yeah, I was just calling to say hi, see how you're doing.

No, you know, for the life of me

I can't think of what brought you to mind.

No, wait a minute, maybe it was because two years ago tonight

we waxed your heinie in bowling.

No, no. The poor sap is begging for a rematch.

- No. - No way.

I'm sorry, Gary, no, there will be no rematch.

The moment of victory is frozen in time.

That's right, Gary...

Hello? Gary?

The guy is such a poor loser.

Drinks on the house.

Carla, once more around the bar, huh?

All right.

We're number one. We're number one.

Hold it! Where is the trophy?

- Who moved it? - What?

Oh, come on, it's gotta be around here somewhere.

Hey, now, listen, this is not funny. Where is the trophy?

Wait a minute.

- This smacks of Gary. - Hey.

- You mean he had a spy in here? - Yeah, that's right.

Who was that guy at the end of the bar drinking imported beer?

Very suspicious. You know none of us can afford that stuff.

Let's storm the place.

Hey, wait.

Come on, let's not turn this into mob rule here.

Just a couple of guys go over and talk to him first. Come on.

All right, Sam, I think you better take me

because they gotta be intimidated by the authority of my uniform.

Actually, I think I'll take Woody. In case there's some trouble,

I'd like to have someone young and strong around there.

Come on, Woody.

Good luck.

Our trophy.

Oh, Sam. What did you do to Gary?

- Did you punch him right in the face? - Not exactly, no.

- He did ask out our waitress. - Hey.

Sam.

Hey, what are you all sitting around here like a bunch of wimps for?

It's what wimps do.

Let's go over to Gary's and torch the place.

Come on.

There's gotta be a cooler way of doing this.

Now, we gotta use a little cunning.

Yeah, I'd like to do something to Gary to make him really miserable.

Why don't you marry him?

- Why don't you? - Why don't you?

Why don't you?

Stop it. I do not want this thing getting out of hand.

If this bar becomes a high school locker room, my patronage,

other than the Bowery Boys, will disappear.

No, in this case, I'm afraid I must agree with Rebecca.

Thank you, Dr. Crane.

Well, it's not for your dollar-grubbing,

you know, front-office, kissy-face reasons.

It's because revenge is never the answer.

You see,

a potentially unending cycle of juvenile retaliation

can only lead to, well, a kind of mob mentality,

which will ultimately result in a regrettable act.

Wait a minute, doc. When Diane left you at the altar,

weren't you the guy who enrolled her in every tape,

book and record club known to mankind?

Yes, but that was different. The pompous witch deserved it.

No, come on, we gotta think of something to get our pride back.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

There is one thing you can beat Gary's Old Towne Tavern at.

- Oh, yeah? What's that? - Maturity.

It's Al. Hey, Al, why aren't you at Cheers?

Holy mackerel, this isn't Cheers?

Malone's back.

And this time, he brought some muscle.

Sammy, I can't go through with this,

not when this guy is taking shots at me.

- No, no, that was a shot at me. - You're right. Okay.

Gary, we're here in peace.

Now, we wanna let bygones be bygones,

so we brought along some champagne to bury the hatchet.

- What do you say, huh? - That right? No tricks?

No tricks.

Well, that's damn decent of you, Malone. Bill, some glasses.

I'll be honest with you.

I mean, last night at Cheers, all we could talk about was revenge.

That trophy meant a great deal to us.

But then, you know, cooler heads, light of day, and all that kind of thing,

we just... Well, we realized that to do battle with you

would just destroy both of us.

At least we have the satisfaction of knowing

that we beat you in one thing, maturity.

Actually, I'm afraid you came up short there too.

I just sent a dozen roses over to Cheers with an apology note.

- Oh, well. - Here's to Cheers.

No. To Gary's.

Yeah, to Gary's, yeah.

Gary, I think maybe you ought to keep that back window locked.

You know, people could sneak in here and steal some of this fine crystal.

Come, my little vandal, our job here is done.

You know what gets me about this, Malone?

It's how weeny this stunt was.

This is the best you could come up with?

I am embarrassed, all right. Not for me, but for you.

Oh, yeah?

Told you we should have fixed his brakes.

You think I'm humiliated? I'm not humiliated.

Pretty weeny.

Now I'm humiliated.

Then after lunch, I had a patient, three separate personalities,

each one more boring than the other.

As a matter of fact, he's the only one who can tell them apart.

Now, Lilith, darling, let's remember our caveat,

No more shoptalk, it's the weekend.

It's time to engage in nice, normal conversation.

I'll get us some drinks. Woody?

Why do you have this obsession with labelling everything?

Normal, abnormal. Weekday, weekend.

Darling, I was only trying to create a certain...

In other words, control the conversation.

- That's rather compulsive, isn't it? - Well, how anal of you to notice.

Oh, the whole world's anal to you.

Well, what say we sleep in late tomorrow and have eggs Benedict?

I love you.

Pest control. Where should we start?

Excuse me, what's this about?

- Your rat problem. - Rat problem?

Aren't you the one that called about a rat problem?

No, of course not. We don't have rats.

That's what we understand, ma'am. Rats in the building, big grey ones.

That's why we're here.

Everybody, hold on. There are no rats here.

Oh, of course, Rebecca, we believe you.

If you should run across any white ones about yay big,

I'd be happy to give you $4 apiece for them.

- What do you use them for? - Snacks.

Everyone, just stay where you are. There are no rats.

- Free round of drinks on the house. - I wouldn't do that, ma'am.

Those little buggers might have already gotten into your beer.

I'll chance it.

Sam, did you call anyone about a rat problem?

No. We have a rat problem? God.

I didn't call, you didn't call. Who called?

Gary.

How did he know we have rats?

Look, if you need us, here's our card.

Come again.

"Now, that's a stunt. Love, Gary."

He's mine.

Mess with us, huh?

Wait till he finds the prune juice in his Kahlua.

Yeah, what about the sneezing powder in the ventilation system, huh?

That was the Coupe DeVille, huh?

Yeah, Gary's messed around with the wrong guys.

I wish I was there to see the stupid looks on their faces, you know?

Hey, hey, who's the chrome dome?

I don't know, I've never seen him before.

Afternoon. I'll have a draft.

Excuse me there, pal of mine.

- Yeah? - What exactly you doing in here?

Getting a drink.

So you're not from the neighborhood, are you?

No, I'm from Framingham. My wife's at Mass. General.

She just had a double bypass,

and I thought I'd unwind a little with a drink. That okay?

Sure.

Let's shave his head and put him on a bus.

- Yeah. - Good idea.

Excuse me. On second thought,

I think I'll check to see if they have a juice machine in the ICU.

Yeah, you do that, pal.

Yeah, you tell Dr. Gary the gang at Cheers says hello.

Yeah. All right, huh? Okay.

I don't know. What, did he think we're idiots or something?

Did anybody remember to grease the bars tools over at Gary's?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did. - Woody, get this man his favorite.

Hello, everyone.

Thank you, thank you.

You're too kind. May I please see the manager?

- I'm the manager. Can I help you? - Oh, so you're the manager?

Finally something in this place worth looking at. I'm Gary

from the Old Towne Tavern.

Well, well, well. I never expected to see you step foot in this bar.

Now I can call the exterminator.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry you feel that way. Although I can't say I blame you.

Things did kind of get out of hand, but we're both professionals here.

Why don't we call this whole thing off before we lose any more customers?

Look, I have to admit

that when I first heard that you authorized these pranks,

I was a little ticked off myself. But now that I've met you,

why don't we call that water under the bridge

and have a new era of peaceful coexistence?

All right, truce.

Whoa, I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Do you mind if I call you sometime, maybe we'd go out for a cup of coffee?

Sure, why not? I like coffee.

Yep. See you.

- How could you do that? - How could I do what?

After all that's happened around here, you can go on a date with that rat?

Would you please not say that word?

I happen to think Gary made a lot of sense.

- Besides, he's kind of cute. - Cute? You think Gary's cute?

Yeah, he's got a real cool face and a nice body.

He looks kind of like an athlete.

- Hey, what am I? - Jealous.

Excuse me.

There are sheep in my office.

Whoa, sheep. You gotta admire that, huh?

Yeah, I thought it smelled like home.

I'm gonna get him, I'm gonna rip his head off.

But he's so cute.

And then I'm gonna tie him up and I'm gonna take a lighter

and I'm gonna torch him from the tip of his toes to the top of his head.

How come you never do stuff like that to me?

Don't worry about it. It's all taken care of here.

- You all set? - Yep.

Toolbox, check. Coaxial cable, check.

VCR, check.

- Tape. - Check.

Good luck, babe.

Carla. Carla. Carla.

You're not gonna do anything illegal, are you?

What makes you say that?

Now, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen,

Gary's Old Towne Tavern is once again proud to present

the finest in world-class boxing

on the largest-screen TV available in any bar

in the greater metropolitan Boston area.

Have a drink, sit back, relax, and let the bloodletting begin.

All right, the months of waiting are over.

We've heard all the hype, we know how many millions are on the line.

This is the big one. Here we go!

- Good evening, I'm Norm Peterson. -And I'm Clifford C. Clavin.

And welcome to an evening of poetry.

We're so glad that you've chosen to ignore the fisticuffs

that they're watching over at Cheers right now,

three blocks down and on your right,

drinks half-price if you mention, "Gary sent me. '

- Tapped into the cable. - Instead...

Relax with us and enjoy as we read and interpret

the many works of Dante Gabriel Rossetti,

the famous 19th-century poet and fancy guy.

Clifford?

Norman, I'd like to start with "The Ballad of the Dead Ladies."

An excellent choice.

It's written in iambic pentathlon

with rhyming couplets every couple of couplets.

Tell me now in what hidden way is Lady Flora the lovely Roman?

Oh, hey, Gary.

What's up, buddy?

I wanna know, did you enjoy the fight the other night?

Yeah, who'd you bet on, Shelley or Keats?

You guys are great. I'll tell you,

I didn't know you had it in you. You know what?

This is gonna go down in the annals of gags as one of the greatest.

Here, give me your hands, guys.

I got something better for you, though, than a trophy now.

- Come on, Gary. - No, no, no.

On the level, no crossed fingers, standing on both feet.

I am a personal friend of Wade Boggs,

the Wade Boggs. He was gonna come over to my place,

sign some autographs, but I rerouted him over here.

He should be here any minute. You take good care of him, okay?

You guys are the greatest. I didn't know you had it in you.

Take care.

Did you guys hear that? Wade Boggs is coming here.

All right.

- Who's Wade Boggs? - Who's Wade Boggs?

He's only the greatest third baseman in Red Sox history. Guy's a pure hitter.

He's only popped up six times in five years.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm standing in a room full of idiots.

That's true. What's your point?

Gary's not gonna send the real Wade Boggs over to see us.

He's gonna get some guy in a Wade Boggs suit

claiming to be Wade Boggs.

We're all gonna slobber all over him, buy him drinks,

beg him for autographs,

and Gary will come in and bust a gut laughing at us.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, you're right.

- Excuse me. - Can I help you?

Yeah, Gary sent me over to sign some autographs.

- Hi, I'm Wade Boggs. - Hi.

Wade Boggs, huh?

Yeah, how are you doing? I'm Babe Ruth.

Yeah, I'm his good friend Dizzy Dean.

And I'm Woody Boyd.

Are you sure that isn't Wade Boggs? I mean, it really looks like him.

Carla, come on, that's not Wade Boggs.

Wade Boggs is a big strapping lad like myself.

Mr. Wade Boggs...

...what are we batting these days, something like 360, huh?

- Three sixty-one. - Oh, is that it?

Well, welcome to Cheers, Mr. Wade Boggs.

I thought you folks were Red Sox fans.

Oh, yeah, we're Red Sox fans. Sure, Mr. Wade Boggs.

As a matter of fact, we'd like to give you a nice welcome

that we give all great sports stars that happen by to Cheers here.

- Maybe I ought to get out of here. - Come on, guys, let's get him!

Man, that guy was a lot quicker than he looked.

Yeah. Let's check out this guy's wallet, find out who this joker really was.

Yeah, this guy's name was Wade Boggs.

Wow, what a coincidence.

I guess Gary went to a lot of trouble to make up fake lDs for this guy

and credit cards

and a photo of him with Jim Rice and Dwight Evans.

Oh, no.

Sorry I'm late, guys. Had a rough night.

I was out showing Gary's steady chick the time of her life.

- I miss anything? - No, no, just an average day.

We refilled the pretzel bowls, played a little darts,

pantsed Wade Boggs, watched a little TV.

Wait, you did what?

Oh, man, we thought it was another one of Gary's tricks.

So that's who was running out there in his underwear in traffic.

See, don't you see?

Gary has pulled off the greatest, most ingenious trick of them all.

- He's gotten us to get ourselves. - Frasier's right.

We can't top this. Gary's beaten us.

You know, it's really rather Machiavellian.

Hey, come on, guys.

So we've been humiliated in every sport.

We've still got something that Gary can't take away.

- Our pride? - Hell, no, we never had that.

We have got the great Wade Boggs' pants.

Well, it's either this or nothing.

We're number one!

We're number one! We're number one!

We're number one! We're number one!

- Hey! - We're number one!

Pretty weeny.