Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

There you go.

Cheers.

Oh, yeah, hi, Vera. Let me see if he's here yet.

Oh, yeah, he just walked in. Yeah, here he is right now.

All right, bye.

Hi, honey. Yeah.

I have no idea. I mean, did you try the broom closet?

Well, how about the pantry?

Well, that would be a good place to look, okay?

All right. Okay, let me know. Bye.

Here, Sammy.

Oh, what's Mrs. Peterson doing?

I don't know. She's looking for the fire extinguisher.

Well, is there a fire in your house?

I have no idea. Should I have asked?

Attention, everyone. Attention.

I'm getting rid of that television.

Wait a second, there's laws in this state.

And I am replacing it this weekend with a new 27-inch-screen TV

with a direct hookup to the cable sports channel.

- Thank you. - All right!

Hey!

Kind of a jerky thing to do, but I liked it.

We'll be able to watch that World Welterweight Championship bout

between Hector "The Hammer" Rodriguez

and Julio "The Hacker" Rodriguez.

- Who do you think is gonna win? - My money's on Rodriguez.

Julio "The Hacker" Rodriguez has got a glass jaw.

My uncle Fergie had a glass eye.

He used to take it out and scare the cat.

This is Cheers, Dorothy. Isn't it amusing?

Frasier, would you be a dear and get us some drinks?

Sam, may I have three martinis, please? Make mine a double.

How's married life treating you? Quite a change?

Well, you know, Lilith and I did live together

for a year before we wed,

so other than the fact that I now see it stretching endlessly before me

until I lie rotting in the grave, there's no real difference.

Now, Lilith, if you, your family and generations of your ancestors

had lived with the boot of oppression on your throat,

would cutting out a man's heart seem that extreme?

So who's the party girl?

Dorothy Greenberg.

She's an old childhood chum of Lilith's from New York.

She's been visiting for a week. She's a professional student.

She's writing her dissertation on the comunero's uprising in Paraguay

during the 1700s. She can't talk about anything else.

Believe me, when you've heard one Bruno de Zabala joke,

you've heard them all.

Sam, I gotta get this over with.

Listen, there's something I gotta ask you,

and I don't want you to take it the wrong way.

- What is it? - Would you come to dinner

- at my house tonight? - Hey, I thought we were friends.

It's just that Eddie wants us to practice our social skills

so he can invite his boss over to dinner.

Can't you ask somebody else?

Please, come on. I'm sure any one of the guys would love to go.

Guys, am I...?

- So I'll expect you at 7:00? - Yeah, all right.

- Where'd you guys go? - Go?

We were right here all the time, Sammy.

By the way, thanks for hogging that invitation to Carla's house.

There's room for one more.

Sam, you sit here.

Thank you.

What is this, Sammy, no date?

Your mom didn't want me to bring one.

I always like to be the prettiest woman in my house.

And you always will be, baby.

You're no magazine cover yourself.

Now.

You know, Carla, it's nice to see you surrounded by such a loving family.

It's eerie, Sam.

I got a husband who does windows,

and all the kids are out of jail.

For the first time in my life, when morning comes around,

I wanna open up my eyes instead of my wrists.

That's beautiful, honey.

And who knows, Ma,

someday you can look forward to having grandkids.

Carla, a grandmother? You gotta be kidding.

No, no. Sammy, it's true.

I think I'd like to be a grandmother someday.

Having all the fun and none of the responsibility.

Just seeing the little brats when I want to.

I think you're gonna be surprised what a sweet, little old granny I'll be.

That's great, because I knocked up Annie good.

What?

Hey, hey, hey! Carla!

Carla! Carla!

What are you thinking of? I just waxed that table.

Come here. Come on, get off.

Come on. Come here.

And besides, this is family business.

Let's...

Let's talk about this later, okay?

So, what kind of car do you drive, Ed?

I thought you said you wanted to be a grandmother.

Someday. Like years from now,

when you've moved thousands of miles away.

Carla, please.

I drive a Corvette myself.

How could you do this?

Hey, I'm gonna be 20 in two years. I could hear my biological clock ticking.

Do you know what it takes to raise a kid?

Ma, will you relax? I got a job.

Do you think you could support a family pushing cheeseburgers?

- No, I thought we'd all stay here. - Oh, great.

More people in this house.

I get about 19 on the highway, 15 in town.

Whose stupid idea was this anyway?

Hey, I was getting bored sitting around the house.

I thought this might give her something to do.

I'll give you something to do.

No, no. Carla. Come on.

Well, if this is the way that we are going to be treated

on the happiest day of our young lives,

then I don't wanna live in this house anymore.

Anthony, you should probably come with me.

But we haven't eaten yet.

Your hair is full of breadcrumbs.

We could butter your head and make a sandwich.

I had a sandwich for lunch.

Oh, go on. Go, go! Get out of here.

Let's see how long you last on your own. I give you three days!

- Two! Two tops! You hear me? - Carla, come on. Calm down.

Sammy, you get 15 in the city?

Hey, so they're gonna have a baby.

They'll find their way through it.

You don't understand.

My life is over. I'm gonna be a grandmother.

I mean, I might as well wrap myself up in a black babushka, get fat,

and grow hairs out of my moles.

You're exaggerating.

Do I have to get out the family album?

Oh, God, this is terrible.

Look at my life.

I never had a childhood. I married Nick when I was 15.

Never got to go to the prom or homecoming,

to a slumber party, to Fort Lauderdale on spring break,

or on one lousy date with Fabian.

Now I don't even get a middle age.

I go straight from grade school to granny.

I don't know what to say, Carla.

Just don't say anything, okay?

There's nothing anybody can say that's gonna change anything,

- so just don't say anything. - Yeah, but...

I said don't say anything. Weren't you listening to me?

- Yes, Car... - I said don't say anything.

- Nobody listens to me. - I listen...

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Stay away and leave me alone.

I'm going to my room and wait for the angel of death.

Oh, here's one of my favorite paintings of the comuneros.

It depicts the peasant army struggling

to push this cannon to the top of the hill.

Later they found out they were on the wrong hill

and had fired on their own village.

These people had no luck.

That's fascinating, Dorothy.

Isn't that fascinating, Frasier?

Oh, yes, yes.

You know, these stories make me long to visit Paraguay.

Right now.

I hired you as a temporary waitress.

What on earth were you doing with your blouse off?

- Serving drinks. - This is not a topless bar.

What, I'm supposed to get tips for good service?

Yes, dear, that's the way we do it around here.

Well, I'm sorry, but I don't keep beauties like these under wraps.

Out, out.

God! That is the fourth temp waitress we've gone through.

I hate this bar.

Excuse me, miss, can we get some service?

Yes, sir.

Miss, this martini is too dry.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll take care of that.

I've had it. Isn't Carla ever coming back?

I was not born to be a waitress. I was born to manage waitresses.

- Oh, miss? - You'll get it when I'm good and ready!

God.

Well, we tried to cheer up Carla, but I don't think it worked.

Yeah? How far did you get?

About a half a block away. She hit Mr. Clavin with a rock.

Woody, could you have a little look-see?

- Is there a lump up there? - Let's see.

No. Gee, Mr. Clavin, do you pluck your eyebrows?

Get away.

We can't get along without Carla here. How can we get her back?

Well, I don't know, but let's start at square one here.

We know that she's upset about having a grandchild, right?

- Another round, Sam? - Coming right up. Table 11, please.

Well, she was complaining that she'd missed out on all that teenage stuff.

You know, homecoming, proms.

What if we do something to take her back to her teen years?

- Like get her pregnant? - No,

that's been done to death.

Well, what else did she say? What else?

Let me think. All right, something about a sleepover.

- No, I know. A slumber party, yeah. - A slumber party?

- Right. - Well, that's it.

I will just throw the woman a slumber party and that'll cheer her up.

Now, re-creating a ritual of youth is often just the thing

to get someone out of depression centered on a fear of aging.

I find it also helps to listen to heavy doses

of Creedence Clearwater Revival.

- Great. I'm gonna do that. - Fine.

Just one question. What do you do at a slumber party?

Well, the phrase "slumber party" would imply that one sleeps,

but somehow I sense that's meant to be ironic.

Terrific. We're really on a roll here.

I have a patient of that age.

I suppose I could do some research and help you put something together.

- Thank you. I would appreciate that. - Certainly.

Say, Rebecca, if you're in need of some extra guests,

I know a couple of fun-loving girls

who could really use a night on the town away from boring old me.

And, Lilith, you've always told me that you found Carla

an interesting psychological case study.

Won't you be lonely?

Oh, it'll give me a chance to be alone with Dorothy's books and a roaring fire.

Well, what do you say, Lilith?

Big wheel keep on turning Proud Mary keep on burning

- Rolling - Rolling

- Rolling - Rolling

- Rolling on the river - Rolling on the river

You know, you don't often get to see them loosen up like this.

Come on in. The coast is clear.

- Hi, Eddie. - Hey, how you doing?

- Good, good. - Hi, how are you?

- Thank you so much. - Hey, Lilith. Sure, sure.

All right, I'm gonna put on the forty-fives.

- Where's Carla? - Oh, she's in the back room, knitting.

Oh, that's a sign she's perking up.

I don't think so. It's her death shroud.

Oh, no. I forgot the marshmallows for the hot chocolate.

That's okay. We'll use the ones for the s'mores.

- Then what'll we use for the s'mores? - Why don't we just skip the s'mores?

You've been trying to get rid of them from the start.

- No, I haven't. - You most certainly...

Go get Carla.

Hey, Carla, could you come out here for a second?

No.

I'd like to discuss something about your gravesite.

Be right there.

- Now. - Surprise!

What the hell are you doing here?

We're having a slumber party!

That's right, Carla, hold onto your hat. The gals are here.

Eddie, get the gun.

Now, Carla, we know you're down,

but being alone is no way to deal with depression.

You need your friends around you.

Good idea. Who the hell are you?

Dorothy. Dorothy Greenberg.

Well, listen, Dorothy-Dorothy,

get the hell out of here and take all this crap with you.

- Now, come on, Carla. Come on. - Come on, go.

- Why'd you let them in? - Because for the last four days,

you've been sitting around moping and whining and scaring the kids.

I mean, for God's sakes, you haven't yelled at them once.

Don't you think children notice those things?

You're right. I'm not a fit mother. I'll leave immediately.

No. Come on, Carla.

Look...

Look, if you're not gonna do this for yourself, will you do it for me?

I can't live with you like this anymore.

Look, sweetie, give it a chance, would you? Come on, give it an hour.

Look, if I do this, would you and the Supremes

promise to leave me alone, get off my back?

- We promise. - All right.

Let's get this thing over with.

Let the slumber party begin.

I'll take off for about an hour. Then I'll come back

and help you clean up after you have all your wacky gal fun.

Bring body bags.

Well, Lilith, you have the list. Where do we start?

All right, let's see.

All right. So on the list, we have to do each other's hair.

Then we talk about boys.

Tell scary stories, have a pillow fight,

and then for the grand finale, assorted madcap pranks.

What kind of pranks?

According to my patient, when the first person falls asleep,

the others take her underwear, dip it in water,

and then put it in the icebox for an hour to freeze it solid.

Or they could let you wear it for ten minutes.

Why don't we just move to the pillow fight?

Do that again and they'll be tracing you in chalk.

Carla,

I saw the corners of your mouth twitching.

Are there little elves pulling on them?

Up, up. Oh, there they go again. Are you trying not to smile?

No, I'm getting ready to spit on you.

Well, in little under an hour, Hector "The Hammer" Rodriguez

will be nailing Julio "The Has-Been" Rodriguez

into the canvas on our new TV.

Cliff ie, in your dreams.

I say the Hammer goes down in five rounds.

- You're on. - I say three.

- Two. - All right, all right.

Hey, we don't even have a manual.

- How you gonna hook that thing up? - Easy, Sam.

They included a special videotape

showing exactly how to hook everything up.

So all we have to do is hook everything up,

watch the tape, and then we'll know exactly what to do.

Okay. How long before Woody spots the flaw in his reasoning?

I say eight minutes.

- Okay, I say five. - I say two.

All right, fine.

I'm in. Wait a minute, there you go. I'm in for ten.

- Cheers. - Sam, we're over here at Carla's,

but things aren't going well.

I thought that maybe you guys could come over and crash the party.

You know, something to shake things up a little bit. I'm desperate.

Oh, really?

I bet you're kind of sexy when you're desperate, huh?

- You breathing heavily? - Sam...

- ls your chest heaving? - Sam, please.

Is your nightgown clinging to your sweat-soaked body?

- Yes. - We're on our way.

Now, hang on here.

How can I hook this up to watch the tape

if I don't know how to hook it up?

- Two minutes. Who had two? - Okay.

- Yeah, all right. - Did you win?

Listen, guys, that was Rebecca.

The slumber party's gone sour. Let's go help her out.

Wait, Sam, what about the fight?

Come on. Do you think Woody's gonna be able to fix that?

No one but Carla can hook up a TV around here.

We'll go cheer her up and bring her back.

Don't be so harsh on the kid, Sam. Have a little faith here.

Wait a minute, what are all these wires?

The party's gone sour, you say.

Want another s'more?

Not sweet enough for me. I think I'll just have a bowl of syrup.

Look, Carla, Lilith's hair's coming out nice.

Yeah, in clumps.

Carla, do you want me to fix your hair too?

What do you say?

- I say your hour is almost over. - Right.

Let's see what's next on the list.

Oh, good. We get to tell scary stories.

You wanna hear a scary story?

I'll tell you a scary story. My life, that's a scary story.

Wonderful, Carla. Okay, who's next?

Oh, I hope it's not some boys trying to crash our slumber party.

- What? - Hi. Listen, I know, I know.

I know you don't wanna see me,

but I'll bet you wanna see the four swell guys.

We're gonna be bringing you memories of your swinging teenage years.

Do you remember this, Carla?

Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl

Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl Duke, Duke

- As I walk through this world - Duke of Earl, Duke, Duke

Nothing can stop...

Shut up!

Why do you all keep coming over here?

- We're trying to cheer you up. - Well, stop it.

You can't cheer me up.

Why do people think they always have to rush over

and talk somebody out of it when they're feeling lousy?

Look, this grandmother thing is just something I have to work through,

and I will with time.

There's nothing any of you guys could do.

Unless you can make me 15 again.

Can any of you make me 15 again?

Well, can you?

Look, if you really cared about me, you would just get out of my house

and do what I asked you to a long time ago.

Just leave me alone.

You mean you really wanna be left alone?

Let's go, guys. Come on.

- This party was stupid. - This was not a stupid party.

Oh, well, I stand corrected. It was the social event of the season.

Shut up.

Oh, yeah? You want a punch in the mouth?

You gonna be all right?

Yeah. I appreciate what you're trying to do, Sam.

I'll be okay, you know?

Yeah, something always comes along,

some little something. It makes everything work out.

But I gotta find it myself. You can't do it for me.

All right, all right.

You know my number.

Sorry, Carla, I...

I just forgot my jacket.

Darn these pants.

Why do they keep doing this? I had them fixed.