Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live audience.

Come in.

Mind if I use your office?

Again?

Hey, you think I like having to do this?

You know how hard it is to breast-feed twins?

I haven't had my bra off and on this much since junior high.

Hey. Maybe you could help.

What do you mean "help"?

Well, you got a decent set of ducts.

Maybe I could use you as a decoy.

See, like, while I'm pumping one kid, the other one's attached to you.

Are you serious?

Sure. It will shut them up.

So they won't get milk. Life is hard.

- Good evening, everyone. - Hello.

You know, it's uncanny, my darling,

but there's not a room you step foot into

where you're not the most beautiful woman there.

That's deplorable sentence structure, Frasier.

What you mean to say

is that I am the most beautiful woman in any room I enter.

Yes. Well, thank you for correcting me in front of 30 people.

There you go, your usual kier spritzer.

Hey, the big day's around the corner, isn't it?

Yeah, next Saturday.

Lilith and I have been in the process of writing, editing, rewriting

and researching our wedding vows.

- Hi, boss. - Hiya.

Hello, Rebecca.

I have a small favor to ask regarding our impending wedding.

Since all my close friends will be out of town

and we have had a previous conversation,

and our eyes have met on a number of occasions,

I was wondering if you'd consent to be my maid of honor.

Me?

Isn't that usually your best friend?

You are my best friend.

Oh, I'm very flattered.

I guess so. Sure, Lila.

- Lilith. - Right, right.

I knew that.

Let's discuss wedding gowns. Do you think black...?

Sam, it goes without saying, of course, you'll be my best man.

I don't wanna do that. It makes me feel so uncomfortable.

I mean, a best man has to give a toast, doesn't he?

No, look, I took the liberty of writing down a few things.

Then I'd be honored. That's great.

What are you doing for a bachelor party?

Well, actually, I haven't any plan.

Would you like to have one tonight?

What do you think, darling? Would I like a bachelor party?

No, don't...

Well, while I feel that particular ritual is as passé

as taking the topknot of one's dead enemy,

I will not deprive you of the experience, immature though it might be.

She's a gamer.

We're on. Fellas, stag party tonight.

- Yeah, yeah. - All right.

You know being maid of honor means

you have to throw Brünnhilde a bridal shower.

Oh, right. I guess I should do something.

What kind of shower do you think? Kitchen? Linen?

Look at who she's hitching up with. Better make it marital aids.

I'll handle this.

Lilith, what do you say we have a little get-together at my place tonight?

That would be lovely.

Now, you're gonna have to tell me who to invite because I don't know

anything about you.

I only wish there was some way

- I could repay you, Rebecca. - Oh, don't mention it.

If you ever need to admit a family member to a mental institution,

I could certainly speed up the paperwork.

That's very dear of you.

- Well, gents, - Yep.

- My last night of freedom. - Yep.

One last chance to loosen the old noose, so to speak,

and really have some fun while I still can't.

Do I hear the pitter-patter of cold feet?

No, no, not at all. I mean, as long as I'm in love with this woman,

and she has my dear old mother tied up in the cellar,

I'm gonna go through with it.

Darling, could I speak with you a moment?

Excuse me, the ball and chain.

Frasier, do you realize that is the fourth derogatory remark

about marriage you've made this evening?

Oh, come on, my angel. I mean, they're jokes.

I mean, everybody knows my mother's dead. That's what makes it funny.

No one loves a good joke more than I,

but I find that, as our wedding day approaches,

the frequency of these quips has increased.

Are you having second thoughts?

Well, only that I love you more now than I did five minutes ago.

Leaving aside your schoolboy sophistries, let me make you an offer.

If, after your madcap night of debauchery and vomiting,

you still feel you want to go through with the wedding plans,

call me and tell me so.

Lilith, that's entirely unnecessary.

I beg to differ.

Up until this point, you've only seen my warm and vulnerable side.

Now I must become cold and analytical.

As if you could, my treasure.

Frasier, I need your reassurance. I'll be awaiting your call.

Boy, this bachelor party should be keen.

Keen?

Hey, I don't know about Indiana,

but around here when guys get together

to send another guy off to his doom, things can get a little raunchy.

You fellows ever dress up farm animals in women's clothing?

No.

Well, then I'm one up on you.

Gentlemen.

You know what,

I was listening to a rock 'n' roll station on my way over here,

you know, to put me in the mood.

There was a passage in one of those tribal songs that I feel,

well, is the keynote this evening.

"Everybody have fun tonight.

Everybody Wang Chung tonight."

Yeah!

I think we got a madman on our hands here.

I had a nap.

You know, gentlemen, I can't tell you how touched I am

that you all, to a man, came back for my party.

We never left.

Boy, this is gonna be some night.

- A real guy night. - Yeah.

Check your X-chromosome at the door.

I wonder what the women are doing.

They're probably hanging around drinking some European coffee,

you know, Mocha Finland or the like.

Passing around a bunch of brownies, saying,

"No, I really shouldn't." And then stuffing their faces.

- To the man of the hour. - Hey, hey, all right, Frasier.

To Mr. Frasier Crane and to all the girls we've loved before.

I've loved quite a few. How about a fill-up?

Cliff ie, there's a big difference between loving women

and annoying them in the checkout line. Okay?

Women. They're tough to figure out.

Yeah, but they're sure fun to play with while you're trying.

If you guys could have one woman, any woman in the world,

- who would it be? - Oh, that's easy.

Kathleen Turner.

Give me Kim Basinger in Nine 1/2 Weeks.

Ten weeks, ten weeks.

Jill Eikenberry.

- Who? - You know, L.A. Law.

She's married to that short, dumpy guy on the show.

Something about her I like.

Lilith Sternin.

Loni Anderson.

Boy, she's got a set of oompahs that John Philip Sousa would kill for.

I swear to God. My very first time was in the sixth grade.

School crossing guard.

Hey, I'm serious.

Well, it was more exciting than my first time.

Wedding night, Norm?

The following week.

Hey, hey. Good news, guys. Wife said I don't have to go home till midnight.

Yeah, the bad news is she'll still be awake when you get there.

I don't know. Women, women.

You know, once they get their claws in you,

they just don't let go, you know what I mean?

I don't know Cliff. I wouldn't say that about all women.

I'm sure Loni Anderson doesn't do that.

And I know my Lilith.

Why, just today, she presented me with an opportunity

to back out of the marriage if I so desire.

Now, is that blind faith or what?

- 'Uh-oh' what? - It seems to me

that she might have changed her mind and is just trying to let you down easy.

Well that's the most preposterous thing I've heard.

I don't know. Now, if you had a 200-pound marlin

and you're about to haul him on the boat,

would you stop and ask him if he wanted to go back in the water?

Be careful, Dr. Crane. This could be a trick question.

Now, I think the laws are different in each state.

Well, I certainly don't believe that's true in Lilith's case.

I don't know, Fras. Sammy could have a point there.

Do you really think Lilith wants me to back out?

- Could be, could be. - I'd think about it, doc.

Well, then let's just see how the night progresses.

Maybe Lilith Sternin will get her wish after all.

- Where is that stripper? - Yeah!

Let's get Bubbles or Peaches

or whatever her name is out here and have at her.

All right.

No, you stay right there. Yeah, like that.

We are amused.

- Karen! - Dr. Crane!

You know each other?

She's one of my patients.

Karen, I hope you're doing this for the money

because this certainly won't square things between you and your father.

I'm sorry I spoiled your party.

Oh, nonsense, Karen, you didn't spoil anything.

Under the circumstances, we understand. Don't we, guys?

There, you see?

- Well, bye-bye now. - Bye-bye.

Maybe I shouldn't get married.

Oh, come on, what are you talking about?

Well, it's time I realized that there are two Frasier Cranes:

Frasier the prospective groom, who sent Karen on her way,

and Frasier the pig who wanted to see her shake her nonnies.

You know, I've never revealed this to anybody,

but when Diane left me at the altar, I...

There was a tiny voice that kept saying,

"You're off the hook. You're off the hook."

Yeah. The only voice I heard was Vera's just yapping and yapping.

You ever notice it's always the women who wanna get married?

Yapping and yapping.

You know, when I think of all the unhappy people

whom I've counseled over the years,

whose lives have been scarred and destroyed by marriages badly cast,

I could write a book.

I have written a book.

Come on now, Fras. You're just having last-minute jitters.

Jeez, I don't know.

Maybe Lilith isn't the woman for me.

What do you think of her, guys?

Tell me, listen, I demand complete honesty.

Well, all right, doc, I'll be honest with you.

Ix-nay, ix-nay.

Oh, no, Normie, no. I just wish that I was there for you.

You know,

I was waiting for you to wise up there, doc, you know.

I mean, Lilith Sternin.

Even the name makes the old butt cheeks tighten up.

You know what I mean?

I mean, she is Olive Oyl without the good fashion sense.

- And that personality, jeez-- - Hey, come on, Cliff, that's enough.

- Yeah, you think so? - Yeah.

Sam, you know, you've been uncharacteristically mute.

Surely you have some opinion on this.

No, no. Do it, man.

I think you should walk off together into the sunset, you know.

Live happily ever after.

Translation: Frasier Crane, you're a complete fool

- if you get married. - I did not say that.

Listen Sam, I know exactly what you're thinking.

Every fiber of your body speaks it. You live it every day.

Give me one good reason why the single life is better than being married.

Okay.

Well, let's see, when I get home I don't have to explain to anybody

where I've been or what I've been doing.

If I was out having a good time,

I don't have to call home to see if I can stay later.

Oh, that reminds me.

There, right there. There you go.

See, that's what you're losing, man. Your freedom.

You know, I can eat doughnuts for dinner if I want to.

Nobody nags me to put down the toilet seat.

I am the king of my own remote control.

I can date anybody I want to, and if somebody better turns up--

And somebody always does, bless their hearts,

then I can date them the very next night.

I don't have to worry about forgetting an anniversary.

No mother-in-laws, no father-in-laws.

No laws, period.

I only asked for one reason.

My God.

- I'm actually beginning to have doubts. - No.

You know, I've got to hear the voice of my beloved just to reassure me.

Woody, Woody, give me Rebecca's number

and hand me the phone, would you?

Oh, Dr. Crane, if Miss Howe answers, could you ask her something for me?

- What's that, Woody? - Ask her

if she has Prince Albert in a can.

Don't tell her it was me.

Hello?

Yeah, hello. Is that you, Carla?

Yeah, yeah, who is it?

It's Frasier. What's all that noise? What's going on over there?

We're making a quilt.

Well, can I speak to Lilith, please?

Well, is it important?

She's showing the male stripper where to put his things.

What?

I got to get back.

I got a bet this guy's packing socks.

She'll call you back sometime.

What happened?

Nothing.

Seems Lilith is indisposed at the moment.

She's helping to undress a male stripper.

- Male stripper? - Yeah.

Well, where do they put the tassels?

The thought of my Lilith having one last carnal fling

with some fellow in a Speedo is beyond belief.

I mean, just because some guy strips in her honor

doesn't mean they're gonna wind up in the sack together.

No, no, no, you don't know my Lilith.

I tell you, once her libido's cut loose, there's no tying her down.

Unless, of course, that's what's she's into for the evening.

- Right now she's with him. - Oh, hey, come on. Take it easy.

She's with that man. That sweating, chiseled,

- pulsing, throbbing, - Hey, hey, hey.

Sexy--

crème de men the?

You couldn't find some water?

My God, Sam.

Do you realize what this means?

Well, I don't know the clinical term for it,

but it seems to me you were going a little scooters there.

I was jealous, Sam. I was insanely, blindly jealous.

If ever I needed a clearer, gut-level demonstration of my feelings,

I mean, that was it.

Yes, yes, it's perverted, yes, it's childish, but yes, it's love.

Maybe you ought to go see her right now.

I will, Sam.

There's just one matter that has to be rectified first.

Cliff, in light of my recent decision,

I now take of fence at your remarks about Lilith.

In short, I'm gonna kick your sorry butt.

Oh, no. Come on, doc. Just cool down, will you? It was just a joke.

Oh, you mean like that costume you wear every day?

All right, put up your dukes, Dr. Creampuff.

Okay, now we got a party.

All right, all right, before we start here,

let's just set a few ground rules, all right?

No punching in the face

because that can cause severe brain damage.

All right, just one other thing. No hitting below the belt.

I'm about to be married.

All right, all right. Fair enough. Fair enough.

All right, no hitting in the right shoulder.

That's my bag shoulder, all right?

What about the upper thigh area?

Well, I think we've covered that on page five over here.

- Yep. - Well, then where does that leave us?

I don't know. It's leaving me with writer's cramp, I tell you.

Well, let that be a lesson to you.

As for me, I'm gonna go back to my beloved,

throw my arms around her milky white shoulders

and let me tell you something, fellas,

I'm gonna tell her I'm devoted to her,

and that I'm dedicating the rest of my life to her.

Hello, everyone.

Frasier, is that you?

Good.

I hope this doesn't spoil the bachelor party,

but the engagement is off.

It's over, history, kaput. Good night.

- What? - She's kind of juiced.

I can't be engaged to you, Frasier, because I'm marrying Randy here.

If anyone wants to get us a wedding gift,

his butt is this size.

Why don't you sit down, Dr. Sternin?

Oh, Dr. Sternin is a little formal, isn't it?

You can call me Sheena, Ruler of the Jungle of Love.

- Can somebody sober her up? - Hey, I think you lost a button.

We'll handle it from here. Thanks, Randy.

Happy to do it. There's still the matter of cab fare.

- Here. Here you go. - Great. Thanks.

See you.

Oh, Randy, don't leave me.

I'll never be able to hear "Shock the Monkey" again

without crying.

Lilith, what were you thinking of?

I'm sorry, Frasier, it's just that I felt the need to get back at you.

I waited all evening for you to call and say that the wedding was still on,

but you didn't, you cur.

I did call. Didn't Carla tell you?

She was too busy licking Bosco off Randy's chest.

I became increasingly more distraught and foolish as the night grew long.

Of course, the 11 tequila shooters didn't help.

And now the epilogue is that my behavior

has probably cost me the one man I truly love.

Well, you could probably still catch him.

Woody, I don't think you're following along closely enough.

Listen, you're not the only one who's behaved irrationally tonight.

Lilith, I want to marry you anyway.

- You do? - Absolutely.

For the rest of my life, I will always cherish those words,

"Lilith, I want to marry you anyway."

Come, my sweet. Let's get on with our life together.

Oh, thank you all.

- Yeah, way to go, doc. - Good night, doc.

Oh, Lilith, just promise me two things.

Never leave me for another,

and don't throw up on me in the cab.

Well, guys, what do you think? What do we do now, huh?

- Well, I got to get home. - Yeah, I got to tell my wife too.

- Yeah, I'm out of here too. - Good night, Sam.

- Good night, Sam. - That reminds me.

I promised Vera I'd pick up some Chinese food.

That's nice of you, Norm.

Well, I spilled it on the floor this morning.

Yeah, well. I'll be saying good night there, Sammy.

I am married to the US Postal Service.

What the hell, Sammy, we all can't lead your carefree life.

- Well, good night. - Yeah.

- Party's over? - Yeah.

They all have women they have to run home to, the saps.

I just came back to lock up.

Oh, come on, hey, I always do that.

Oh, that's right. You're a real night owl, aren't you?

Yeah, one of the great joys of being single.

You don't have to tell me.

Those women at the shower, they have no idea how to have fun.

Five minutes after Randy left, they got into this heated debate

about which was better, mayonnaise or Miracle Whip.

It turned into a fistfight.

It's pathetic. Boy, you know, I'll never trade in the single life.

Me neither.

- Good night, Sam. - Yeah, good night.

Freedom.

You wanna go get a cup of coffee?

You bet I do.