Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

So did you get a chance to see Carla's babies?

Oh, we sure did. They are two of the cutest little guys you've ever seen.

Oh, who do they look like, Carla or Eddie?

Well, they're twins. They kind of look like each other.

What's this? "Carla's Tips."

Yeah, it was Carla's idea. She does some of her best thinking in labor.

This is ridiculous. How does she expect to be tipped if she's not even here?

Well, actually, she's doing a lot better than she usually does.

- Hello, Samuel. - Hey.

Well, pardon my appearance, everybody.

We always do.

Sorry, I was covering for Carla.

Oh, hey, you're doing a fine job.

The reason I look like I've been up all night is because,

well, I've been up all night, reading that little opus.

All right. Lust for Justice. Yeah, Vera talked me into reading this.

- Yeah, she a fan? - No.

No, when Vera's talking, I'll read just about anything.

I almost ruptured a disk delivering those Book-of-the-Month-Club copies

and I decided to see what all the hoo-hah was about.

- Two thumbs up, right? - Oh, yeah.

Finest piece of trash not written by a Judith or a Jackie in modern literature.

Good Lord. Another piece of salacious mind candy.

Look. Yeah, this is over 600 pages long.

Who could imagine he'd know this many words?

Yeah, well, I checked. He uses a lot of them twice.

Oh, well, Fras, you wanna borrow it there?

There's no way you'll find me reading it.

Oh, just look at these reviews...

- Suit yourself. - "I couldn't put it down."

Cheers.

Oh, yeah, she is. Miss Howe, Mr. Drake.

Mr. Drake? I wonder what he's calling about.

Woody, how did he sound? Happy, mad? Pleasant? Annoyed?

Well, he sounds kind of weird, like an old woman with a lisp

and a thick German accent.

Woody, that's his secretary.

Oh, well, then she sounded pretty happy.

Hey, Anthony, Annie. What's up?

Sam, I'm swallowing my Tortelli pride

to ask if I might borrow five bucks.

That was very difficult for him.

Is it okay? I wanna get a present for my mom and the twins.

Sure. What are you gonna get them?

- Five bucks. - She'll like that.

Thanks, Sam. Hey, I don't know when I'll be able to pay you back.

Job market's been really bad lately.

I haven't been able to find a job anywhere.

Actually, we have an opening for a temporary waitress

to sub for your mom. What do you think?

I don't wanna be a waitress.

No, I was thinking about her.

I don't want my wife to work.

I could do it if I want to.

Why don't you two talk about it?

Of course we will. Communication is the cornerstone of our marriage.

Well, well, well. Hey, Normie, look who has developed a lust for justice.

Yeah.

Do you mind? Lorenzo is hemorrhaging.

Oh, he dies.

- Don't tell me, don't tell me. - Yeah, that's true.

We don't wanna spoil the part where Monica first comes in.

Were you shocked when she turned out to be a man?

I saw that coming.

Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton Old times there are not forgotten

Look away, look away, look away

You know, sometimes I like to play little guessing games.

Do you like to play little guessing games, guys?

Let's play a little guessing game.

I just spoke to Mr. Drake.

And he suggested that I hire a young girl he knows to cover for Carla.

Now, why do you suppose a busy, important man like Mr. Drake

would take time out of his day to get a simple cocktail waitress a job?

- Norm. - She's a friend of the family.

- Possible. - He's paying off a debt.

- I like that. - He feels sorry for her.

- He does have a soft heart. - She's sleeping with him?

Of course that little tramp is sleeping with him.

Do you think I'm stupid?

Is this still part of the guessing game?

This is just too perfect.

Evan found a nice little bowl for his goldfish to swim in,

safe out of the reach of the other executive sharks.

Obviously, he forgot about the great white Sammy.

Well, we've reached a compromise, Sam.

- I'm taking the relief waitress job. - Great.

- What's the compromise? - I'm letting her.

Wait a minute. I am in charge around here

and it's my responsibility to hire people.

And I have just been informed that I am hiring someone else.

They're going through a tough time.

Why don't you let Annie work just for tips?

- Tips? - Yeah.

If I'm gonna work here, I demand a set salary,

plus tips, plus two coffee breaks, plus weekends off.

That is completely out of the question.

Okay, then I demand that tip thing.

It's a deal.

I need a Scotch rocks, two white wines and a draught.

Okey-dokey.

Come on, corncob, arriba.

Boy, I'll tell you, Annie's getting to be a real pro, huh?

Yeah, she's sure rattling off those drink orders, huh?

Oh, that's nothing. How about the way she puts me in my place?

Can you believe it?

Her first day on the job and Evan's little tart is late.

That's because she knows I can't do anything about it

because her lover boy is the big boss.

Isn't she just the queen of gall?

Oh, no, that was Charlemagne's wife, I think.

You know, if memory serves, I think her name was Cathy.

Have you ever thought that you're reading this wrong?

That maybe she's just a four-eyed little geek

that Evan Drake is trying to help out?

Right, and Cliff is leaving his brain to science.

I guess you're still covering for Carla, huh?

Guess again.

Okay. Here's another possibility. instead of firing someone,

they send them to the worst job in the organization.

Usually the poor schlep just gets fed up and quits.

They've tried that on me a bunch of times.

Works like a charm.

You know, you might be right.

She's probably just some pathetic little dishrag

whose last, great hope is working here at Cheers.

I gotta stop jumping to conclusions.

Excuse me, is Miss Howe here?

Mr. Drake sent me.

Oh, you must be the slut.

- Excuse me? - Slot. You're here to fill the slot.

Welcome to Cheers.

Why don't you follow me to my office and we'll fill out your W-4 form?

- Oh, great. - And I'll need a phone number

and a job history and a number we can call

in case you meet with some horrible, disfiguring accident.

- Sam? - What?

Could I ask your opinion as a passionate, macho studhorse?

Sure. I may have to stamp out the answer with my foot, but go ahead.

Well, it's bad enough that Anthony's lost all his ambition and can't get a job.

But ever since I started working here, he's become insanely jealous.

Why am I late? When am I coming home?

Why am I dressed like such an ultra fox?

I mean, if it weren't for the six times a day we make love,

he'd be no fun at all.

Six?

Can't think of anything that I can do six times a day.

Hit me again, will you, Sam?

Listen, it's kind of tough on a husband,

you know, to have his wife supporting him. It's a pride thing.

It is a pride thing, Sam.

I remember once when I was out of work, Vera had to support us.

I'll tell you, the day that woman left to deliver phone books...

The proudest day of my life, actually.

What do you want me to do, talk to him?

- Would you, Sam? - Yeah.

- Thanks. - Yeah, you're welcome.

Hey, I saw that!

Anthony. I can't believe you're spying on me.

Suddenly everything makes sense.

You're taller than me.

You have a Corvette instead of a bus pass.

And your hair does that cool blow-dry thing.

And now you've got my wife.

Well, aren't you gonna stay and fight for me?

- What's the use? - Hey, Anthony, come on, now, don't...

You ever had to defend Vera's honor?

Well, no, not per se. But on more than one occasion,

I've held her place in line while she parked the car.

Could you believe that?

After I gave that man the best 28 months of my life.

Well, why don't you go catch up with him and patch things up, huh?

Forget it. He's a wimp and he can't get a job.

And his jealousy is ruining our marriage.

Not to mention that he left the cap off the toothpaste

for, like, the kajillionth day in a row.

I had no idea that the wounds were so deep.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, he can just go and--

Oh, God, I've just lost the only man I've ever loved.

Wait, sit down here, will you?

Listen, he'll come back. Don't you worry about that.

Now, he's not gonna leave a beautiful girl like you.

- You really think so, Sam? - Oh, absolutely. He'll be right back.

I mean, do you really think I'm beautiful?

Hey, anyone see the conclusion of The White House Murders last night?

No, no, don't say anything. I've got it on tape.

Could you believe it was the vice president?

Please.

How about where the first lady popped out of a pool of her own blood

and strangled the Russian ambassador?

- No, no. - Yeah, that was my reaction exactly.

Well, thank you, one and all, for ruining yet another plot for me.

I'll be off now, but before I go,

there's something I'd like to share with you.

In Citizen Kane, Rosebud is the name of his sled.

In Murder on the Orient Express, everyone did it.

And Luke Skywalker's father is Darth Vader.

Why doesn't the guy tell us something we don't know, huh?

Darth Vader is Luke's father?

- See you soon. Bye. - "Bye."

How dare she put on that sweetness and light

when it's so obvious she's nothing more than a sordid little harlot.

Hypocrite.

Doing a great job, Laurie. Keep it up.

- I need a couple of draughts, Sam. - Okay.

But, oh, you and Anthony still not talking?

Talking? I can barely stomach necking with him.

He's a wimp. Not like my Sam.

Tell me, how do you feel about moonlit walks by the beach

and dinner by a roaring fire?

- I hate them. I can't stand them. - Yay, me too.

No, no, no, I was kidding. I love them.

Too late.

You know, if someone ran over Laurie in the parking lot,

I bet it would look like an accident.

Do you wanna make 500 bucks?

Don't... Listen to yourself. You're going crazy here.

We both have a problem with these new waitresses.

Why don't we help each other out here?

- Oh, like I scratch your back-- - And I'll scratch your front.

- What do you propose? - Well, all right.

Now, we don't know for sure that Laurie is Evan Drake's mistress,

so let a guy who knows women

better than they know themselves find out.

Okay.

- Hey, Laurie, you got a second here? - Yeah.

How do you feel about moonlit walks on the beach

with a dinner by a roaring fire?

Oh, I love those.

Well, would you like to join me?

Oh, no, no, but thanks for asking.

She's his mistress.

- How do you know that? - She turned me down.

That just proves she has a weak stomach.

- I'll handle this myself. - Oh, wait a second.

Wait a minute. What about my problem here, you know?

Sam, I don't have time to handle some silly little teenage crush.

It is not silly.

- Oh, yes, Miss Howe? - Laurie, you are such a busy little bee.

I bet you just won't have an ounce of energy left for your leisure time.

Oh, that's okay. I've lots of energy.

I'll bet you do.

You and I really haven't had a chance to get to know each other.

What do you like to do in your leisure time?

Well, I like to read.

- In bed? - Sometimes.

- What else do you like to do in bed? - Sleep.

Oh, well, let's imagine here that you are asleep in bed

and you roll over.

Did you fall on the floor or did something impede your progress?

- Excuse me? - Oh, nothing.

It's just my warped, wonderful, wild sense of humor.

By the way, how do you know Evan Drake?

Well, he's a friend.

Well, maybe you could help me out. I was gonna buy him a gift.

Perhaps you know what size he wears in slacks or shirts

or Jockey shorts.

Sure, but he doesn't wear Jockeys. He wears boxers.

Never mind, then.

I'm gonna pop her. I'm gonna pop her. I'm gonna pop her right in the kisser.

I'm gonna pop her. Pop, pop, pop...

That's good. Now do bacon frying.

You know, Darth Vader cannot be Luke Skywalker's father.

They don't have the same last name.

That's right, Woody. I'd better call out the imperial Guard.

Stop it, Mr. Peterson. You're scaring me.

You know, Sam, I was just thinking about us last night

as I was in the tub shaving my legs

and pumicing the dead skin off my knees and elbows

- and waxing my-- - Is there a point to this?

Do I have to say it? Can't you just feel it?

Would you stop that? This is silly. Now, just--

Of course it's silly. But love is silly, isn't it?

Romeo and Juliet were silly in a mad, passionate way.

- Are we silly, Sam? Are we? - You may be, but I'm not.

Listen, young lady, I happen to be a very close friend of your mother-in-law,

and out of respect, I'm ending this conversation right now.

You can end the conversation, Sam, but you can't end the feeling.

Honey, I'm flattered, but this is nuts.

I mean, you know, I'm old enough to be your--

A youthful uncle, all right?

I mean, when I'm 60, you're gonna be 22.

Oh, my God, that can't be right.

All right, when I'm 60...

Well, you'll be looking pretty good, actually.

So why don't you call me when I'm 60?

- I can't wait that long. - Oh, don't-- Just-- No--

Hey, knock it off!

All right, you, outside. You're gonna get what's coming to you.

I am not going outside with you, Anthony.

Not you, her.

I mean, come on, you're twice as big as me.

But you stay away from her if you know what's good for you.

- Thank you for the warning. - Come on, Annie, let's go.

Why should I listen to you?

Because I happen to be the new assistant night manager

at Burger Burger Burger.

- You got a job? - Hey, an important job.

When I tell people to chop lettuce, they say, "How high?"

And now I am telling you, missy,

if you don't come with me this instant, we're through forever.

I am so totally turned on right now I could spit.

Well, I guess it's true what they say, power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

A uniform doesn't hurt either.

- Can you wear it all night? - Well, maybe the hat.

Boy, Sam, lucky for you he got that job, huh?

Lucky, hell. I got him that job.

I traded in a few favors and got him in.

As a matter of fact, are you interested in buying a second-hand car

with this giant hamburger on top?

Five-speed or automatic?

- Miss Howe? - Yes, Laurie dear.

Well, Mr. Drake is dropping by, and I was wondering

if I could just break away for an early lunch.

Lunch.

Is that the fashionable term for it these days?

No, I think I've always called it lunch.

Well, you just run along with Mr. Drake to your lunch,

and don't eat so much you can't walk back.

Okay.

Excuse me, Sam, what did she mean by that?

Oh, she's under a lot of pressure nowadays.

I volunteered to help her release some of it, but she...

I probably didn't help by asking for an early break.

I'd better apologize.

Normie, do my eyes deceive me or is this the start of girl-fighting season?

Luckily we have our luxury box seats just in time.

That's right. They cost a little bit more, but they're worth it.

Miss Howe, if it's more convenient, I'll take my lunch whenever--

Listen! Let's just cut the crap here, all right?

I know how you got hired here,

and I know what your relationship is to Mr. Drake.

You do?

Well, give me credit for having an ounce of a brain.

You can tell me to go to Hell, but there's something I have to know.

- Do you love Evan Drake? - Well, yes.

I see.

And does he love you?

- Does he love you? - Well, of course he does.

Well, then, there's only one thing left to say:

Oh, my God!

Oh, damn, it's a knockout.

Didn't even get to any hair-pulling.

What the hell's going on?

- Mr. Drake. - Daddy?

- Daddy? - Daddy?

- Daddy. - Daddy.

- What happened? - Oh, I think she hit me.

- You hit my daughter? - Well, I'm fine.

Yes, I did, but it was an accident.

- I have a nerve disorder. - A nerve disorder?

- Yes. - She was dropped as a child on her...

And you better stand back because I never know when it's gonna go off.

See? I'd better get back on that medication.

- Are you all right, baby? - I'll be all right, thank you.

- I mean her. - Yes, Daddy.

So Laurie's your daughter.

Why didn't you tell me, kiddo?

Well, Daddy said not to.

I didn't want her to have special treatment.

I wanted her to know what it feels like not to be the boss's daughter.

What a fabulous idea.

And so smart of you not to tell anyone who she was.

Do you have any cotton in your office?

Well, let's put some food in my baby.

Again, please accept my apology, and it was so nice to see you, Mr. Drake.

If you don't mind, I'll wait till after you've had the medication.

Do you think he bought that nerve-disorder thing?

I think he bought that nerve-disorder thing.

- Is it getting darker in here? - Oh, Sam, stop being such a big baby.

- Yeah, well... - Let me look at your nose.

- My God. - What?

What--?

Hey, everybody, I'm back.

- Hey, Carla. - All right.

- Anything new since I've been gone? - Nope, not much.

Yeah, well, nothing special.

- Yeah, how about yourself? - The usual.