Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hello.

Carla, what are you doing here? You're not due for an hour.

I had to get out of my house. It was a zoo.

Serafina took the hedge clippers to the shag carpet.

Little Lud unplugged the refrigerator

to see if frozen peas melt faster than ice cream.

Gino made a volcano for his science project in the microwave.

And on top of everything else,

me and Eddie had a big fight.

Oh, jeez, what about?

He had the nerve to say I don't know how to control my kids.

I don't know, we just can't seem to see eye to eye

on the right way to discipline.

Carla, it's for you.

Hello.

I thought we settled this.

No, you definitely cannot hit him.

No, you cannot lock him in the closet,

and you absolutely cannot wash his mouth out with soap.

Ann Marie, you untie your stepfather right now!

Cheers.

Yeah, hi, Carla.

Bye, Carla.

Hey, what was that about?

It's just Carla reminding us it's her night off.

Normie, you ever feel like we're getting in a little rut here?

How do you mean, Cliff?

Every day we come into the same bar,

sit on the same stools, drink beer, night after--

I mean, there's gotta be something a little bit more to life.

Cliff ie, for the last time, I am not changing bar stools with you.

I, for one, applaud your desire to shake things up a bit, Cliff.

Sometimes I think I'd give anything for a change,

no matter how slight, in this deadly, unvarying routine of life.

- What can I get you, Dr. Crane? - The usual.

So, Sam, anything interesting in the corporate newsletter there?

Oh, well, let's see here.

Yes.

Did you know that the corporation that owns this bar

purchases 1 percent of all the string made in America?

My blood pressure, Sam, please.

Oh, come on, guys.

There must be something going on in our lives that we can talk about.

Well, Norm, what did you do today?

I just about finished the first coat of paint on Cliff's apartment.

Yawns all around. Next?

- I got a ticket this weekend. - Woody, we're not that desperate.

Speak for yourself. Parking or moving?

Parking, but it was my own fault.

I let the meter run out while I was watching them film Spenser: For Hire.

What?

Spenser: For Hire, that's my favorite. Was Robert Urich there?

- Well, yeah, it's his show. - And you saw him? Oh, my God.

Well, Normie over here's met him.

You lie. What's he really like?

Well, you know, he just sped past me in his BMW,

but he seemed like a real courteous driver.

You know, I've heard that about him.

Oh, would you stop it?

The guy puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like everybody else.

Why is everybody so gaga over actors? They're just--

Hold it, hold it. I'm still picturing him with his pants down around his ankles.

So, Wood, how long did you watch them film?

Till some guy came up and put me in one of the crowd scenes.

- Now, wait a minute. - You were in a scene?

You're gonna be on national TV? Weren't you nervous?

Oh, yeah, I was until I talked to Mr. Urich.

You talked to him? I'm dying. What did he say?

He said it was a cold day.

And what did you say?

- I agreed with him. - Good move.

Then I loaned him my gloves.

- Yeah, what did he say? - Thanks.

Oh, can't you just hear him?

Yeah, the truth is, I know how you feel.

I felt the same way about Hayley Mills when I was 12.

When weren't you 12?

Hello, ladies, can I help you?

We're here about the book club.

You probably have us confused with the public library. Happens all the time.

- It's two blocks down. - This is Cheers, isn't it?

- Oh, yes, but-- - Excuse me, I'm Rebecca Howe.

- You must be Mrs. Miller? - Yes.

We're here to make the final arrangements

for our Sunday-night meetings.

Great. Well, let me show you the backroom.

I hope everything suits your needs.

Miss Howe, can I speak to you for a minute?

You go on ahead, and I'll join you in just a minute.

What is this about a book club?

Ever since I arrived here

I have been desperately trying to upgrade the clientele in this bar.

Well, upgrade some other night.

Sunday is the night that we have our weekly pool tournament.

You said it, that's right.

Well, just have your pool tournament another night.

Like we can rearrange our schedule here, right.

- What about Monday night? - Guys, we got a lady right off the boat,

doesn't speak any English. Tell her what happens Monday night.

Football!

- How about Tuesday? - Darts night.

- Wednesday? - Well, recovery from darts night.

Thursday's poker night.

- Friday's our night to howl. - And Saturday night is date night.

- So where does that leave us? - Horny on Sundays.

The book club will meet here on Sunday, period.

- Miss Howe, we have a few questions. - Of course.

Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but do you ladies comprise a book club?

- Yes, that's right. - Well, a salon of the '80s.

You know, it's encouraging to meet a group of adults

who still read in this day and age,

rather than paying homage to the great god television.

- I can't tell you how heartened I am-- - Excuse me.

I have a cigarette going back there.

Of course.

Woody, when you were on the set there,

- did you see any famous actresses? - No.

What about all that drug stuff you hear about in show business,

- see any of that? - No.

Was there a lot of that juicy backstabbing going on on the set?

- No. - Guys, you gotta hear these stories.

Yeah.

So, Normie, think you'll be through painting my apartment tomorrow?

Yeah, I'll finish up tomorrow. Can you have a check ready for me?

I'll give you one now.

Pay to the order of Norman Peterson, one zillion dollars.

There you go. Buy yourself a yacht, young fella.

Cliff, you are going to pay me for this job, aren't you?

Normie, you didn't charge me last year when you painted Ma's house,

- did you? - That was before I was a professional.

Oh, I'll say, we never did get those windows unstuck.

I've finished half your place.

I'll be happy to come by and finish the rest of it, okay?

I'd appreciate a check.

If you got a problem, why don't we work out a payment schedule right now?

Look, Norm, money is not a problem, you know that.

It's just-- Well, I'm not a cheap man.

A statement I'll wager has never been uttered by anyone but a cheap man.

Look, Norm, if I knew you were gonna charge me for all this,

I would've demanded a better job. Now, I've been letting you slide, buddy.

If you think the work is so worthless, just finish it yourself, Cliff.

Well, not that I couldn't.

I mean, it doesn't exactly take a Phi Beta Kappa

to stick a brush in a bucket and slap it on the wall, does it?

- Any monkey can do that, huh? - Oh, yeah.

As opposed to the high level of skill and precision it takes

to shove a postcard through a slot.

That's enough, enough, okay.

Enough, Normie. I'm waiting for an apology.

Fine, I'll drop it in the mail. That way you'll never get it.

Well, I certainly don't have to stand here and take that.

Good news, everyone. I found a way to make him leave.

You'll rue this day, my friend.

I am gonna make a laughingstock out of you

in front of your whole pseudo profession.

Very Joan Crawford.

Oh, glad you guys could make it. Hey, wipe your feet there, would you?

- What time does the game start? - Oh, any minute now there, Woody.

Hey, look at this place.

So this is what you finally picked out, huh?

Oh, yeah, was it everything you thought it'd be, Sammy?

No, no, I like it.

Well, I've been meaning to have you guys over here for a while now.

I wanna take this opportunity

to make a public apology to my pal Normie here.

I got out of line a little bit the other night in the bar,

and I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Don't worry about it, I said some stupid things too.

Hey, hey, see that apple in the underwear commercial there?

He played a doorman in my Spenser: For Hire.

- Oh, yeah? - Talk about range.

Hey, you know, it's actually a good paint job.

Oh, yeah, thanks there, Normie. I thought I could do this by myself,

but when I started, I realized that I needed somebody

with your specialized skills and talents there.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Takes a man to admit that.

Glad you appreciate the value of professional labor.

Oh, yeah, I sure do.

Listen, if you guys don't mind,

I'd like to introduce you to the skilled artisan who did this fine work.

He's in the bathroom over here finishing up.

Hey, Duane, come out here.

Cheers.

Oh, hang on a second.

Mr. Peterson, it's Mr. Clavin.

Come on, now, it's been a whole week. Maybe he wants to make up.

Take a message.

Can I take a message?

Okey-dokey.

What did he say?

What are you doing there?

Miss Howe put moi in charge of refreshments for the book club.

- Well, yeah, but what are those? - Finger sandwiches.

You know, the part that takes the most time

is getting that middle knuckle right.

Woody, they don't actually have to look like fingers.

Yeah, right, Sam.

Boy, it hardly feels like a Sunday without a pool cue in my hand.

Why don't we go to Old Towne Tavern, shoot some stick?

You kidding? Tonight happens to be Woody's big debut

on Spenser: For Hire.

Can't imagine what it's gonna be like

to see somebody we actually know up on that TV screen.

Norm, I'm loath to chide you for your short memory,

but I appeared on the tube just a few short weeks ago.

Oh, yeah, Frasier, no of fence, but a bunch of do-gooders sitting around

jabbering about a nuclear freeze is one thing.

We're talking prime-time cop show here.

Evening, ladies. I'm really excited about you being here.

The rest of your group's already in the back.

Thank you very much. It should be a special evening.

Tonight we're discussing English agrarian life before the Reform Bill,

as portrayed in Eliot's Middlemarch.

Would you care to join us?

You know, actually, we were just discussing that at the bar,

and I'm a little burned out on it.

Miss Howe.

I put the tea and the lemonade in the back for the ladies,

and these are ready for you.

Thank you, Woody.

Woody, when I said I wanted finger sandwich--

These look delicious.

Excuse me.

- Yes, yes, yes? - I'm missing something in my tea.

- All right, a lemon here, sugar? - A touch of brandy.

Well, all right.

- There you go. - Don't be shy.

- Thank you very much. - Bye-bye.

Hey, hey, everybody. My Spenser: For Hire is on.

- Woody, when is your big scene? - It's hard to tell.

You know, on television, we shoot out of sequence.

I wonder if you might have a little gin back there.

Gin, in a bar?

- It's your lucky day. There you go. - Thank you.

See, I've had this cold.

That's the street I was on, that's my scene.

- Right. - Woody, Woody, Woody.

- Guys, there I am. - Where?

- There, right there in the corner. - That's a fire hydrant.

No, right next to it. That's my sleeve.

- Woody, we can't see your face. - What, don't you recognize my shirt?

That distinctive plain white one?

All right, now it's gone to commercial.

- You missed it. - What are you telling me, that's it?

- Lots of people have white shirts. - And arms.

How do we know you were even on the show, Woody?

Of course I was.

Oh, you gotta believe me.

Oh, yeah, I bet that's you driving the little chuck wagon right now, huh?

No, no, I swear it. I met Robert Urich and everything.

Yeah, Wood, let us know when your pants are on Dallas.

What shall we do With the drunken sailor

What shall we do With the drunken sailor

What shall we do With the drunken sailor

Early in the morning?

Heave-ho and up she rises

God, not again.

What the hell is happening to our book club?

I think it had something to do with that last round of margaritas.

- Hey, hey, hey! - That does it.

- I am putting a stop to this right now. - No, let me handle this.

You're not used to dealing with those rowdy book-club types.

Sam, this is my bar. I am in charge.

- All right. - I am capable of restoring order.

You are so cute when you're macho.

Hey, Woods, I'm just curious.

Did a lot of shirts audition for that role?

Hey, Woody, there's an article in here that says

your shirt is now dating Morgan Fairchild.

She says they're just friends.

Come on, guys. I'm telling you, I really did do it.

Sure thing, Woody.

Cheers.

Oh, hi, Robert Urich.

Yeah, yeah, this is your old pal Woody.

Oh, well, I thought your performance was wonderful tonight too.

Yeah, yeah.

What? Oh, yeah, that shirt? Yeah, yeah, I picked it out myself.

Sears, I think.

Yeah, okay, well, thanks for calling.

I'll see you around the studio. All right, bye.

- See? - How could we have ever doubted him?

Boy, do we have egg on our face, huh?

Boo on.

You sure taught them a lesson, didn't you?

By the way, what do they do with a drunken sailor?

Malone, get in there.

Oh, so you do need me, huh? The right man for the job.

No, no, no, you don't understand. They asked for you.

- They did? - Yes, they said send in...

Did you hear that? What did you--? Could you say that slower, please?

The tall hunk with the rippling rump.

And you automatically thought of me. Isn't that interesting?

Would you just get them out of here, please?

I will ripple them into submission.

You catching that?

"Yaba, daba, daba, daba, daba, dab" Said the monkey to the chimp

- Hey, guys. - Hey, hi, Cliff.

- Hey, where's your monkey? - Oh, no, that's not my monkey.

I just rented him to play a little joke on Normie.

Good one, huh, Zippy?

Yeah, it gets funnier every time you mention it, Cliff.

It was funny when you sent me over that crate of bananas.

It was really funny when you started having my mail addressed to Cheetah.

Particularly hilarious when you sent over the organ-grinder.

You know, Cliff, you just keep getting funnier and funnier.

If you get any funnier, I may have to kill you.

That's it, call the cops.

What are they doing?

They're grabbing me, teasing me, making fun of me

and stuffing money down my shorts.

Hey, small bills too. That's great.

Fresh meat! Fresh meat!

Send in the young one.

Say, is the book club still meeting?

- After a fashion. - Oh, well, good.

I dropped by the office

and dug up an old paper I wrote when I was an undergrad.

I was always rather proud of it. So I thought I might share it with--

I don't think you understand what's going on back there.

Oh, Sam, you're hardly one to condescend to me.

Oh, ladies.

Good God! Please, I'm a doctor.

- Good night. - Bye-bye.

Good night, good night.

Thank you, good night.

Twenty, 40. Yeah, not bad.

Not bad for a night's work.

You got 40? I only got 10.

Well, Sam, perhaps you didn't shake it until they couldn't take it.

Oh, let me see, where are my keys?

Oh, that's right, I was using them as castanets.

What are you doing, Woody?

I'm wringing my hands with guilt.

I don't think I've actually seen that before. Why?

I told a terrible lie to the guys, Sam.

Oh, you mean about being on that TV show?

No, no, that was true, but...

I got a telephone call and I pretended it was Robert Urich on the other end.

I mean, I didn't hurt anybody or anything,

although your plumber seemed a little confused.

Well, don't worry about it. I'm sure everyone'll forgive you.

But it was a lie, Sam, and I've never told a lie before.

- What? - No, no, wait, that's a lie.

I told a lie.

See, now that's two lies.

See how much easier it gets? Oh, my God, I'm out of control.

- What's next, murder? - No, no, hey, Woody, Woody...

Looks like the old pool tournament is on again for next week.

Oh, yeah, fancy that. Well, did you tell Norm?

When he hears that, he'll go ape.

Cliff, your delivery of jokes is as bad as your delivery of the mail.

Mighty Joe Young strikes back there.

How'd you become a mailman anyway?

What, did you flunk out of tollbooth school?

All right, Norm, that's a good one.

You know why dogs hate mailmen? They just wanna be like everyone else.

All right, that's it. It's go time.

Okay, fellas, this is the guy I've been telling you about.

Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, come on, come on. Look at yourselves here.

Cliff, Cliff, this is your friend Norm. Norm, it's your buddy Cliff.

You don't wanna do this, now, do you?

All right, all right. Somebody help me here.

Hey, stop it, hey, stop it.

Now, listen, I-- You guys have been friends for years.

Think of the things you've done together.

Drinking beer together...

And I'm sure there's a lot of other stuff.

Hey, you know, you're partly at fault here.

You made fun of his profession and you refused to pay him.

And you, Norm.

Actually, you didn't do anything at all, did you?

I tell you what, why don't let me hold him, and you biff him one.

I don't know, Sammy. I just want this to be over with.

Yeah, me too.

Well, I'm sorry, Norm. Just make out a bill and I'll pay it.

- I'll give you that discount. - All right.

I guess that monkey stuff was a little bit out of line, huh?

It was actually pretty funny.

It's a small man who can't laugh at his own profession, you know?

- Yeah. - I just wanna let bygones be bygones.

The important thing is we're just still friends.

- Do you mind, guys? - Oh, oh, no, sorry.

Yeah, Normie, I'm sorry about everything that happened.

Cliff, I'm even sorrier for what's about to happen.

What do you mean?

You're dead meat, Peterson!

Let's go shoot some stick.

Hey, Woody.

Hey, Bob, how you doing?

Fine. I was just passing by, and I wanted to return your gloves.

- Thanks for letting me use them. - My pleasure.

Listen, could you hang on a second? I got some friends you'd love to meet.

Miss Howe? You'll never guess who's here. Bob Urich.

Woody, it's been a horrible night. I'm really not in the mood to be teased.

No, no, it's the truth. He's really here.

Woody, go away!

She's a big fan of yours.

Hey, guys, Bob Urich's here.

Oh, sure, Wood. Who's he with? Liz Taylor?

- You're not, are you? - No.

Look, Woody, we were shooting late, and I'm having a few people over.

- You wanna come by? - You bet.

- Yeah, come on. - Great.

My car's right outside.

Could you hang on a second? I wanna check here.

- Sure. - Hey, Sam, Robert Urich's here.

He wants me to go over to his house. Can I leave?

Woody, Woody, Woody. All right, yeah, whatever you say.

- Great, we're out of here. - Good night.

No.