Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

George.

Let me touch you. Are you real?

Hot buttered rum and an Irish coffee?

Oh, no, not It's A Wonderful Life again.

How many times a day are they gonna show this golden moldie?

Six. From now until New Year's on Channel 13.

It's a wonderful month.

This flick is so sweet it makes my teeth ache.

Stupid alert.

I guarantee you from my days in accounting,

if you run short at the bank, everyone in town does not dash over

cash in hand to bail you out.

Oh, here comes the gushiest part.

Oh, have they no shame?

For auld lang syne

We'll take a cup o' kindness yet

For auld lang syne

May I have a Kleenex, Sam?

I must have gotten something in my eye.

Yeah, me too.

Must be something in the air.

Good afternoon, all you warm-hearted and generous people.

Cliff ie, what's with the box?

Well, the postal carriers are having a food drive,

and if you Good Samaritans fill this box with canned goods,

I'll win a free trip to Disney World.

Yeah, imagine that, Pirates of the Caribbean,

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride and me.

So who are the cans for?

I don't know. Poor, needy, somebody like that.

Boy, they make such a fuss about Mother Teresa.

Excuse me there, doctor, but do I detect a wry note of cynicism

there in your comments?

Cynical? Me?

How could I possibly be cynical living in a nation,

in which we celebrate the holy birth of a babe in a manger

with Perry Como in Hawaii?

Hey, boss lady, what you all duded up for?

You mean, why am I not wearing a sweatshirt and plastic earrings?

Yeah.

Because I just came from the company Christmas party.

Did you corner Mr. Drake under the mistletoe and make nice-nice?

None of your business.

Oh, Rebecca didn't get Her Christmas goose

But I did have plenty of time to make out next week's schedule.

Wait a second here. You got us working on Christmas Eve.

That's a holiday.

No, Christmas is a holiday.

Well, it's a holiday eve.

I'm gonna pay you all time and a half.

No, hey-- No, forget it. We cannot be bought.

I can.

Sweetheart, don't you wanna be home with your family?

Would you?

Good point, good point.

Woody. Woody can't work.

He has to go back to Indiana, be with his folks.

Not this year, Sam. I'm a big boy now.

I got commitments in the city.

I landed a part in our children's theatre production of The Story of Snow.

I play the king of the Flakes.

That'd be a stretch.

- Listen-- - We only have a matinee

on Christmas Eve, so I'd be happy to work that night, encores permitting.

Great. Oh, and just so you guys know I'm not pulling rank,

- I'm scheduled to work that night too. - No, wait.

Listen, no way am I punching the clock

on one of the most sacred of family nights in the whole year.

Oh, and what do you have planned?

An intimate little dinner with one of your nieces?

She makes it sound so cheap.

Oh, joy. Christmas Eve.

By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans,

knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper,

will utter those heartfelt words, "Is this all I got?"

I hope you're not hanging that there for my benefit.

Are you kidding me? Who'd wanna kiss somebody

who makes everyone else work on Christmas Eve?

All right.

The reviews are in. We're a hit.

- All right. - Good for you.

Let's take a peek.

Okay.

"The Story of Snow was way excellent.

I think any kid in Miss Pedesta's class who misses it is a full-on goon."

And that from the kid who panned Goldilocks.

- Yup. - Yeah.

I'm gonna call my mom and read it to her.

Boy, I'll tell you, I sure am glad I stayed in Boston after all.

If I was home right now, I'd just be sitting around

listening to my aunt and uncle talk about who's dead and who's sick

and who lost part of their head in a thresher.

Hello, Mom?

I miss you all so much.

Would you look at the poor slob?

Forced to humiliate himself in some stupid outfit

just to make a few bucks for the holiday season.

Why doesn't he just wear a sign "loser for hire"?

Hey, Peterson. You're late again.

I'm not covering for you this time.

No, no, no, I think you have the wrong Peterson.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

When you find the right one, would you tell him not to sweat in the hat so much?

Well, I guess I'm busted.

Okay, I didn't mention anything to you guys because I thought

that you guys just might razz me a little bit

about being a Santa Claus over at Nagle's.

That was you?

That's what my kid meant when she says

that Santa smells like the place where Mommy works.

Well, are you making the stuffing bone-dry the way I love it?

Well, can't you freeze some and mail it to me?

Well, no, not the gravy. That would be stupid.

My mother.

Yes, Mom, I promise I'll send you something.

Oh, God.

Can you believe Rebecca?

As long as one customer stays, we all stay.

It's 10:30. The guy's been nursing the same drink for over an hour.

Yeah, I wish he'd hurry the hell up so we could get out of here.

The presents are all wrapped,

all the kids are in bed, and Eddie's waiting up for me

so that we can exchange our goodies in private.

You don't wait until Christmas morning to open your presents?

Oh, yeah. But we like to exchange our goodies in private.

Hey, you know what?

Let's you, me and Woody exchange presents right now,

- and when he leaves, we can leave. - Oh, good idea, yeah.

Dad repainted the wise men? Well, is Balthazar still black?

Woody, as soon as you're finished, we're gonna exchange presents.

Okay, Mom, gotta go now. I love you. Bye.

Here you go, Sam. Here you go, Carla.

Oh, no, wait, that's Miss Howe's.

You--? You got something for Rebecca?

Well, it's nothing special. It's just a antique silver frame

with a silhouette of her face that I cut out in black velvet.

Well, I'm glad you like it because I got you the same thing.

Well, it's your face.

Yeah, I better give her my present now too.

You gave Rebecca a present? You don't even like her.

- What are you doing? - It's a Christmas tradition, Sam.

It's called kissing up.

Yeah, besides, I'd sure feel like a doofus

if I didn't get anything for Miss Howe

when she got all those wonderful presents for us.

Oh, man.

- I didn't get her anything. - Oh, well, don't feel bad, Sam.

I mean, just because everybody else got her something.

The pretzel salesman, the beer distributor,

the relief bartender, that guy she fired after one day--

Wait a minute though. All those guys are just trying to get her in the sack.

I got some shopping to do.

All right, happy New Year. Merry Christmas.

Happy Hanukkah. Now get lost.

- I can't. - Why not?

- I'm expecting friends. - Oh, yeah, right.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Buon Natale! Feliz Navidad!

Joyeux Noël! Merry Christmas and shalom.

Ditto. Now go home and take ten of these deadbeats with you.

Oh, would that I could, Carla,

but Lady Bountiful here insists on doling out these obligatory gifts

so that people will pretend they like us in the new year.

My little Scrooge.

If he doesn't cheer up, Santa's going to give him a lump of coal

and make him sleep on the couch.

- Merry, merry. Happy, happy. - All right.

Where's Sam? I've got a little something for him.

Oh, he went to buy a gift for Miss Howe.

Oh, too bad he didn't wait around. He could've just given her this.

I don't think so. That's mentholated preshave for tough beards.

Just as well. That's what I got her.

He did it again, damn it.

The third year in a row Walt Twitchell has cheated me

out of my rightful place in the Magic Kingdom.

And he did it by one lousy dented can of Spam.

You know, Clavin, I know you're dying to go to a place

where no one looks twice at funny costumes and big floppy ears,

but I think you missed the point here. A lot of food got to needy people.

Isn't that what it's all about?

Well...

I guess you're right, Carla.

Oh, Mr. Clavin, I'm glad you're here. I got something for you.

Thanks, Woody, but...

Wait a minute. Chow mein and litchi nuts?

Woodrow, think very carefully. Were these in the bar before 4 p.m. today?

Yeah, they were here. I just forgot to put them in the box.

That makes one more can than Twitchell. I win.

Deck the halls with suntan lotion. Disney World, here I come.

Well, I guess it's true what they say, charity begins in Orlando.

Hey, wait, no, I see you in there.

Hey, come-- Please, no, please. Oh, please.

Hey, please open up.

Excu--

Oh, great. Listen, is there any store open around here this time of night?

Oh, jeez.

Oh, bless you, sir, thank you. Thank you for being open.

Sorry, we're closed.

Merry Christmas.

Are you all right?

No.

No, I'm trying to get a gift for my boss, everything's closed,

I'm cold, it's wet and I'm miserable.

Well, I've got plenty of presents here. Maybe you could use one of these.

You must be an angel.

You don't have wings under there, do you?

What?

I'm a stewardess.

Oh, God. Oh, bless your heart. Hey.

Well, let's see what I've got.

- Oh, thank you. - Okay.

Well, what's this one right here?

Oh, those are earmuffs. But you don't want those.

They're too impersonal and boring.

No, they'd be perfect for her.

- Your boss is a her? - Yeah. Well, rumor has it.

Well, I've got some things that I bought for myself she might like.

No, the earmuffs are perfect. Let me just write you out a check.

Oh, how about a nice silk teddy?

I love to lounge around in my house with this.

Oh, yeah?

What else did you buy for yourself in there?

Black lace garter belt. Trust me, you can never have too many of these.

Let's see, we have baby dolls and a short kimono.

Merry Christmas, Santy.

And satin camisole...

Evening, everybody.

Norm!

Santa, what can I get you?

Finally, someone wants to get me something.

I am so happy this holiday season is over with.

The whining, the crying, the screaming, the temper tantrums...

Okay, I wasn't your traditional Santa Claus.

Right over there.

I'll get you some beers. I'll be right with you.

What's with all the bowls full of jelly?

Just having a little get-together after work,

kind of a class reunion, you know.

Why? You guys went to the same school?

Santa school.

It covered all the basics. The hair, the makeup,

how to talk the kids into asking for the big-ticket items.

Okay.

Oh, look who's here, huh?

Oh, no. What if a little kid walks in here?

Sweetheart, it's almost midnight, Christmas Eve.

What a time to find out.

Why don't you--? Here, grab a seat right here,

and I'll go get us something hot for our toddies, huh?

- Thanks, Sam. - All right.

Hey, Carla, I got a present for Rebecca.

See you picked up a little package for yourself too.

Hey,

why not? I've been a good boy, and it's just what I asked for.

- Sam? - Yeah.

Please accept this merry Christmas from Frasier and me.

Hey, wow, that's great. Thank you very much.

Listen, I got you something too.

I left it over in my other apartment.

- Can I get it for you next week? - Of course, whatever you like, Sam.

Or whenever you get a chance to buy it.

Ignore him, Sam, he has a bug up his chimney.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

Yeah, let me have the earmuffs. That's the-- My boss lady over there.

Woody, Carla, Sam.

These are just little tokens of appreciation from me to you.

Oh, my-- You got us presents?

Yeah, there were so many choices, but I think I done good.

A coffee mug with the corporate logo.

A nightshirt with the corporate logo.

- Yeah, oh, thanks. - Thanks.

- That's great. - You're welcome.

Oh, and know that I don't expect anything in return.

- Oh, we got you gifts. - Yeah!

Okay, why don't you open mine first there?

"To Rebecca from Sam.' You shouldn't have gone to the trouble.

Just a little something to keep your ears warm.

My God, diamond earrings. I don't believe this!

I don't either. Boy...

I thought I was a kiss-up, but Sammy wins the pucker sweepstakes.

Hey, if he got her diamonds, I wonder what he got us.

Yeah.

Oh, big whoop, a wallet.

Thanks for the soap, Sam.

And it's pink too.

Listen, I'm sorry about the mix-up here,

but my boss seems to really love the diamond earrings.

Can I buy them from you maybe?

They were for my mother. They cost $500.

Five hundred dollars?

I'll be right back. Rebecca?

Sam, I don't know what to say.

I'm really overwhelmed by your generous gift,

but I think it's inappropriate.

You mean, you're giving it back? You don't wanna keep it?

I think I should.

Well, if that's the way you feel...

But I want you to know that I wouldn't have bought these for you

unless I wanted you to have them.

Well, they are pretty.

Thank you.

Is that thank you, you're giving them back to me,

or thank you, you're gonna keep them?

I'm afraid that I've misjudged you. You're very sweet.

Would you like to come over to my house tonight for a late supper?

Well, that sounds very inviting.

And I'll wear my new earrings.

And very little else.

Man, oh, that witch is gonna make me work tonight.

Yeah, and after I gave her the earrings too. I just can't believe it.

I guess that means there's no lingerie fashion show then?

Well, maybe we could do it some other time. What do you think?

Well, I don't know. It just seemed like such a Christmassy thing to do.

Yeah.

Oh, well, just write me a check for the earrings, and I'll be going.

Fine. That was 500...

And she'd better be fantastic. ...dollars.

And there we go.

All right. Well, thank you very much. You sure you're not upset about this?

No, I'm just gonna go over to my mom's house.

She's probably still up getting everything ready for tomorrow.

You know, baking the bread and icing the cookies and stuffing the turkey.

Stuffing?

Oh, yeah. My mom makes it from scratch.

Gee, so does mine.

Yeah, but does your mom make it bone-dry?

You could gag on it.

Hey, don't tell me. Do you have a manger scene on your front lawn?

The biggest on our block.

The wise men are my favorite.

I love Balthazar.

Oh, Balthazar's good, but Melchior, he's the best.

I'd introduce you two, but something tells me

you've known each other for years.

You driving, Carl?

No way, B.J., I'm over my limit.

Don't ask me. I'm gonna sleep where I fall.

Doesn't that just epitomize the spirit of Christmas in the '80s?

- Merry Christmas. - A gaggle of pie-eyed Santa Clauses

all trying to find a designated driver to take the sleigh ride home.

Well, I hate to leave,

but I've got a busy night. And a long haul ahead of me.

Anyone remember that guy from class? I don't...

- I thought he was a friend of yours. - No, no, no. Not a friend of mine.

No, I could swear that he came with...

Okay, wait. Now, wait. Wait a second now.

You don't suppose...?

Did you hear that?

I suppose it could be the wind, but it sounded like sleigh bells.

Oh, come on, guys.

I mean, seriously, there must be some explanation.

Well...

Do you think there actually could be a...?

Oh, my wife's gonna kill me.

I left the lights on in the station wagon again.

Can one of you guys give me a jump?

Yeah!

Lilith, that was a miracle.

Snowball, you've had too much schnapps.

No, no, I'm stone sober.

I mean, I know that's just some fat old guy with car trouble,

but for half a second there, I actually believed in Christmas.

And that hasn't happened to me since I was...

...born.

Come on, let's sing some Christmas carols,

roast some chestnuts and all that treacle.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la la la la la la

'Tis the season to be jolly Fa la la la la la la la la

You know, Sammy,

I don't wanna be ungrateful or anything,

but this soap sucks wind.

You bought Miss Humbug diamond earrings.

Come on now. There's a reason for that though.

She has invited me over for an intimate late-night supper.

Yeah, you, me, and half the people in this bar.

Don't kid around with me now. I'm in far too fragile a condition.

You mean, you thought you were gonna be the only...

You know, I wasn't too thrilled about the soap, but this makes up for it.

Fa la la la la la la la la

Hey, look. It's A Wonderful Life is on again and it's the very best part.

Turn it up, Sam.

Should old acquaintance be forgot And never...

Well, I'm glad I can finally say this to you

without having my head bitten off.

Merry Christmas, Frasier.

It is, isn't it?

We have everything that matters.

We're together, our loved ones are safe and happy.

This just in to our news room.

Boston Airport has been temporarily closed

due to the presence of a berserk man on runway six

chasing an Orlando-bound plane and throwing what appears to be

cans of Chinese food.

Stay tuned for further details.

Oh, Cliff ie, Cliff, Cliff.

We'll take a cup o' kindness yet

For auld lang syne

God bless us, every one.