Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hey, how about a couple of beers?

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to see some ID.

Alrighty, thank you.

Now, if I could see yours, please.

Why don't we just forget about it? Let's just get out of here.

Guys, guys, wait a minute.

Before you run screaming from here, let me ask you something.

This friend of mine is having twins.

All right, it's me.

Now, I don't care if they call each other cute little names

like Chipper and Skipper, or if they pretend to be each other,

make their teachers' lives a living hell.

See, what worries me is that they'll have ESP.

You know, and they'll communicate silent, evil thoughts,

and I won't know what they're saying about me.

Do you think that's weird?

- Well? - We're discussing it.

Hey, listen up, everybody.

Clifford Clavin has decided to make a major life change.

Don't bother. You'd be a dorky woman too.

Yeah, that's a good one, Carla.

All right, Cliff ie, what's up, bud?

Well, there's a new condo complex going up on my route.

You know, one of those places filled with beautiful people

having the time of their lives.

I said to myself, "Clifford C., you'd take to that place like a fish takes to water."

All slimy with your eyes bulging out?

Shouldn't you be squatting in a field somewhere, Carla?

Well, to make a long story short,

I am Boston's newest homeowner, bought a condo.

Hey, hey, wait, wait, that means you're moving out on me?

Normie, I can't live with you forever.

Well, you can't do that.

Who's gonna mix Vera's cocoa?

And who's gonna rub her feet? Who's gonna talk to her?

Normie, I'm afraid you're just gonna have to pick up the slack.

No. No, no, no, not me.

Maybe I can hire some high school kid.

Did everybody see that?

Yes, I've started smoking again.

I've been under a lot of pressure, and I needed something

to calm my nerves, all right?

And I don't wanna hear any stupid remarks

about yellow fingernails or kissing ashtrays,

and if you use the phrase "coffin nails," you better be a mortician.

Any questions, comments, snide remarks? No? Good.

Well, it certainly has calmed her down.

Excuse me?

You know, I ought to apologize. I feel like this is my fault.

What are you talking about?

Well, obviously, you started smoking again

because you've got some sort of pent-up sexual frustration going on.

And I don't think we have to tell each other

who's responsible for that, now do we?

Hey, come on, I'm just trying to help here, you know.

You know what you ought to do,

you ought to come on over to Dr. Sammy's Stop Smoking Centre.

Today's special is a free chest exam.

Sam, is this one of those two-week programs

with a simple two-day follow-up?

Guys.

Come on in.

What a surprise, you guys. Welcome to chez Cliff.

Yeah. It sounds like party central out there.

Yeah, well, I just hope that they can keep up

with the chairman of the broads.

Cliff ie, I brought you the traditional housewarming gift.

- Oh, a six-pack. - Yeah.

No, it's a five-pack.

Well, so you guys ready for the grand tour?

- Yeah. - Okay. Yep.

Right here, we have the living room.

Right over here is the bedroom.

Hey, slow down. Let me catch my breath here.

- Wait, I almost forgot the kitchen. - I think the builder did too, you know.

- Let me put these beers on ice here. - Yeah, it's a good idea.

It's not too cold in here, buddy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I noticed that, Normie. I think it's the amalgamator valve.

I've been meaning to strip it down, check out the engine.

You know, I think I'd better put some more Freon in the regulator too.

Or else you could just turn this little dial to cold.

Well, yeah, if, you know, you want to take a stopgap approach.

Oh, hey, did you notice the pool on your way in?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, so when summer rolls around

and all those girls are out there in their French-cut bikinis,

I don't have to tell you where I'll be.

Standing here with a pair of binoculars?

That's right.

Boy, oh, boy. Hey, thanks for coming by, you guys,

but, you know, I don't mean to be rude,

but I gotta ask you to skedaddle. I got somebody soft and sweet

with a voice like a nightingale coming over.

What, the busboy from Melville's is coming over here?

No, no, Woody, Reuben's not coming over here.

It's one of the women in the building.

Wait a minute, Cliff ie. Are we actually talking a female here?

- Well... - I mean, a real, live, breathing woman?

Three-dimensional, no posters, no polyurethane?

No, Normie, Sally is the real McCoy. And she's one gorgeous babe to boot.

This I gotta see, Cliff ie.

Yeah, maybe we could stick around and meet your lady friend.

No, no, you know, I-- Guys,

I really don't think that's a very good idea.

Well, why don't you bring her by the bar or something?

Well, you know, I've been trying to get the woman to go out, Normie,

but she just wants to stay held up here in our little hideaway.

I guess I'm her love hostage.

Well, that's something I definitely don't care to see.

- Good to see you. - Good to see you.

- Okay? - Lucky you.

Yeah.

Hey, if I'm not down at the bar, send out a missing swinger's report.

Oh, yeah.

Hi.

- Hi, Sally. - Hi.

- Hi. - Guess what.

- I have great news. - What?

I was named employee of the month at the Yarn Barn.

Well, I tied.

That's really great news, Sally. I'm really happy for you.

So I was thinking, maybe to celebrate, we could go out.

Why... I got a better idea. Why don't we just stay in?

Oh, Cliff, we've done that every night this week.

I was thinking, maybe we could go to that bar you're always talking about.

Are you kidding, that dive?

You know, Sally, I spend all day, you know, walking around outside,

and at the end of the day, I just like to come back

to my own little apartment here and just sort of relax and take it easy

and get my tensions relieved, if you know what I mean.

Yes, I know what you mean.

- I'll get the lights, huh? - All right, I'll just get comfortable.

And I'll meet you on the sofa in about five seconds.

All right.

Have you got the...? You know?

Yeah.

And now, here's the host of Jeopardy!, Alex Trebek.

Thank you. Welcome, once again, to our show.

We are delighted, of course, to welcome back

our returning champion, the lady from Boca Raton...

Here comes Madam Nicotine.

I just had the most disgusting morning of my life.

Can't wait to hear about it.

I just spent the last hour at a no-smoking clinic,

looking at pictures of ugly ashtrays,

rooms filled with smoke, people coughing...

And the worst one was a cigarette snuffed out in the yolk of a fried egg.

And that stopped you from wanting a cigarette, huh?

No, but I think it's put me off eggs for good.

I'll be in the office chewing on my hair.

- This is gonna be fun. - Carla, what are you doing?

I am going to torment her with this fresh pack of cigarettes.

No. No, Carla, you mustn't.

Carla, now granted, she's been in rather a foul mood lately,

but Rebecca has made a serious life decision.

And what she needs now, more than anything else,

is encouragement and support. And I, for one, am not going to fail her.

- Oh, Rebecca? - What do you want, bone dome?

Here, try these, they're menthols.

Next case.

Dr. Crane, I am really sorry. I think I'm just a little on edge.

Look, I apologize too. I behaved very unprofessionally.

It's just that I'm really frustrated because I can't seem to kick this habit.

Listen, may I suggest something that seems to have worked

- for many of my patients? - Changing doctors?

Thank you, Carla, no.

You're engaged right now in a psychological battle with your will.

You've got to bring to the foreground every weapon available.

Promise yourself that if you smoke one more cigarette,

you'll do the most disgusting, repulsive thing you can imagine.

Dr. Crane, I can't even imagine--

Sam Malone, if I smoke another cigarette,

I'll go to bed with you.

Darn thing's on the blink again.

- Excuse me there, Rebecca? - What?

There's a problem I'd like to talk over with you.

I am really trying to quit, all right?

No, no, no, it's not about that. It's...

I met this girl.

And?

People usually stop me at that point.

Anyway, night after night I keep begging her

to come down to the bar to meet the guys, but she just won't come.

No, she just wants to stay at home and watch Jeopardy!

I think that maybe she's a little bit ashamed about the way she looks.

I mean, she's afraid she might embarrass me.

So you got any suggestions? What can I do?

Let me see here.

Have you ever seen those beauty magazine makeovers?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.

Well, then what are you bugging me for?

No, wait a minute.

If you ever see me with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, do me a favor?

- What's that? - Kill Sam.

Did you "dab lip gloss on your eyelashes

so they sparkle like the North Star"?

Yes, Cliff.

I'm coming out now.

Okay.

Listen, don't stand too close, okay?

- Try me from a distance first. - Okay. All right, I'm backing up.

All clear.

Gee, thanks, Cliff.

Oh, isn't it about time for Jeopardy!?

Jeopardy!

Jeopardy!

Well, I...

Why don't we go out?

- Really, Cliff? - Sure.

Great. Okay, I'll just go do a little more blending, and then we'll go.

I'll just

be out here in the front porch to catch a little breath of fresh air.

I got a fox!

Carla, Carla, Carla, come.

- No. - Ladies room, ladies room, please.

I'm not following her in there again, Sam.

I'm one puff away from paradise, come on, please.

There is only so much polite conversation

you can make yelling over a stall.

Cliff, this isn't a dive.

Well, no, by a dive, I meant that it was below street level.

Right.

Yeah, let me introduce you there to my cronies.

But I gotta warn you first, they can be a little bit crude, all right?

Hey, guys, va-va-va-voom.

- Hello. - I thought we met all of Cliff's cousins.

- Oh, I'm not his cousin. - No, she's my date.

Would you like a little seat here? I'll get you something to drink?

- Nice to meet you. - Likewise.

Well, I'll tell you,

she's what guys back down on the farm where I come from

would call "ethereal."

Woody,

where exactly was this farm?

A couple of beers there, Woodman.

You got something on her, don't you?

You found something incriminating in her mail.

For God's sake, Cliff, just ask her for money.

Don't be vicious.

Look, look, look, is it so hard for you people,

and whatever you are, Carla, to believe that...

this beautiful woman would go out with me on her own accord?

No, of course not, Cliff. I can think of any number of reasons

- why a woman might behave that way. - You can?

Well, of course, but remember, I'm a psychiatrist.

So hey, where's Sammy?

I wanna show him one gorgeous Bostonian that slipped through his net.

He's over there hauling her in.

Sammy.

Whoa, Sammy. Whoa, young fella. Whoa, boy.

- Cliff, do you know each other? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Can I have a word with you, Sammy?

- Sure. - Yeah, you see, she's with me.

Excuse us, Sally.

- Hey, she is one very pretty lady. - Yeah, exactly.

Another one of your cousins?

She's my date.

Really?

- Well, is she... - Well, we think so.

- Well, congratulations, man. - Yeah.

Great. Listen, Sammy, about that over there--

Yeah, I'm sorry. I wanna apologize if I was out of line there, but...

Well, the truth is you're gonna have to expect

that kind of thing happening from now on.

What do you mean?

Well, she's definitely a major-league looker there, Cliff.

I mean, guys are gonna be hitting on her all the time.

You don't have to worry about that, Sammy.

Sally is a one-man woman.

Better check your arithmetic there.

Oh, Sally.

Cliff, look who's here, it's Jeff. From 325.

Hey, I know you. You're the guy with the binoculars.

Sally, I think it's about time we vamoosed out of here.

Jeopardy! is gonna be starting in a little while.

- Let's go, Sally. - Listen,

Jeff just got a new Porsche Turbo, and he wants to take me for a ride.

You don't mind, do you?

- Well... - We'll just be gone a few minutes.

You don't mind, do you?

Oh, no. No, I don't mind.

That's fine.

I don't care.

I don't mind at all.

Beer here, Woody.

Excuse me. Excuse me. What was that lady doing in there?

Oh, no, no, no. No, you don't understand. See, we--

Wait a minute, we have this little bet between us.

Let me explain. See, I get to go to bed with her if she--

Jamie, kelp is a correct response,

but you forgot to phrase that in the form of a question.

- Beer, Sam, please. - That's why they call it Jeopardy!

- Are you okay, Cliff? - You get to make the next selection...

Jeopardy! used to be our show, Normie.

It's just not the same watching it by myself.

I just don't know if I can go on without her.

She's only been gone for ten minutes.

...Argentina and Brazil.

Yeah, I had to make her beautiful, Normie.

I've created a beautiful monster. What am I gonna do?

- What is Paraguay? - What is Paraguay?

Yeah, all right.

Thanks a lot, Normie.

- What is Notre Dame? - What's Notre Dame?

- That's right. - Oh, yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, Carla.

Do you smell smoke? Come here.

Of course I smell smoke, you dink. It's a bar.

I also smell beer, sweat and lousy tips.

No, no, no. No, she's smoking in there. I knew she couldn't last this long.

Hey, where's the pool table? Wrong room.

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

I'm not gonna say I knew it, but I knew it. I knew it.

This was your idea too. I did not come up with this.

This is your idea. What a great idea.

Well, what do you say?

Shall we strip down to our smiles here and show the couch here a good time?

No.

We'll go to my place.

Excuse me?

You're really gonna go through with this?

Yes, I am.

- But I wanna get one thing straight. - Yeah, yeah.

My smoking has nothing to do with sexual frustration

over you or anyone else. It's just a stupid habit.

But I made a pact, so now I'm going to suffer the consequences.

No matter how vile or disgusting they may be.

Let's go.

Well...

You don't really wanna do this, do you?

No, it's all right.

I'll just close my eyes and imagine someone appealing.

Besides, I have a feeling it won't take long.

You know-- Gee whiz, you know, if you're not gonna get into

the spirit of this, then I just don't wanna do it.

No, come on, come on, a deal is a deal.

- No. - Look, I made a pact.

- I just wanna get it over with. - No, I don't want to do it.

You know, I have some pride. I have some dignity.

I tell you what, you find someone else to do your dirty work.

- Teach her to mess with Sam Malone. - What happened?

She asked me to go to bed with her, and I said no.

Oh, Cliff, I have never driven so fast in my whole life.

- I had the best time. - Yeah, great, great. So did I.

Cliff, is something the matter?

No. No, nothing's the matter. What could be the matter?

I'll tell you what's the matter, Little Miss Porsche.

Try to do a girl a favor, help her become a little bit more attractive,

and next thing you know, she's out there attracting people.

Is that what's bothering you? This makeup?

Is that what all this is about?

Well, hey, you gotta admit before you put it on you were

a sweet thing

who was content to sit by a dear friend's side on an evening

and watch a rousing, wholesome game of Jeopardy!

So all I have to do to make things right between us

is take off all this silly makeup and go back to being the way I was?

You'd do that for me?

No way.

I like the way I look in makeup.

Wait till they get a load of me at the Yarn Barn.

It makes you look like a cover girl.

I'm sorry, Cliff.

That's what you're stuck with.

You're just gonna have to learn to live with it.

Well, I guess I'm big enough of a person

not to let your appearance get in the way of our relationship.

I'm glad.

Besides, appearances don't matter at all.

Of course they don't.

Like it doesn't bother me that you wear those funny white socks.

Of course it doesn't.

Or that it looks as if you trim your moustache with a butter knife.

Yeah, another fine example.

Cliff, have you ever considered joining a gym?

Oh, have you ever considered wearing flats?

I could help you with that smoking problem, you know.