Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Sorry I'm late.

Boy, you will not believe what happened to me.

I made a right-hand turn onto Boylston and ran right into this stupid parade.

Then my car backfired,

and it scared the tar out of these two cute little poodles in tutus

that were dancing by.

Dancing poodles.

Yeah. Anyway, the dogs spooked and ran away,

and this cute little girl in blue sequins ran after them,

right in front of this little car full of clowns that swerved to miss her,

and the car ran right in front of this elephant.

The elephant reared up,

threw this swami guy off that was riding on his tusk.

Sam, this is the lamest excuse you have ever given me.

Why don't you just say, "I'm sorry, Rebecca,

I overslept. It won't happen again."

It really makes me--

I'm sorry, Rebecca, I just overslept. It won't happen again.

Frasier, I'm double-parked outside.

Finish your drink and let's go.

In a minute. I've just touched my glass.

Don't balk, Jelly Bear.

I'm not balking, Moon Pie.

I'm simply trying to finish my drink.

You'd understand if you'd had as trying a day as I've had.

The kind of day you've had?

Lord, if I hear one more yuppie snivel about his inability to love,

I'll smack him.

I saw nine clients today with no lunch.

I saw ten. Fifteen if you count multiple personalities.

- Yeah? Well, you should have tried-- - Hey, hey, come on, please.

You're a little tense. You gotta relax. Take a few days off, you know.

- Maybe a vacation or something. - A vacation?

You make it sound so easy, Sam.

As if one could just pick up just like that.

We are professionals with commitments and obligations.

We have patients who depend upon us.

- I'll clear my schedule if you will. - Nassau or St. Thomas?

- Let's go talk to the travel agent. - There you go. Have a good time.

Has anybody seen Woody?

He was scheduled to be here at six.

- He's gonna be late. - Good God, people,

I don't even know why I bother to prepare a work schedule.

Everybody just comes and goes as they damn well please.

Yeah, yeah, he did send these though.

"I'm sorry I'm late. Please dock my pay."

Now this is the way to be late.

Where is the little... anyway?

I don't know.

Oh, no, Sam.

I've been a mother for 18 years.

When someone says, "I don't know" like that, they know.

Cough it up or I'm gonna get it out of you another way.

I don't know. I'm telling the tru--

All right, all right, all right.

He's auditioning for a play.

- A play? - Yeah.

Hicky McHick from Hicksville wants to act?

No, no, no. He's been hanging out at this little local playhouse.

You know, doing all the odds and ends.

Sweeping, cleaning toilets, everything no one else wants to do.

I wonder if Woody would like to act over at my house.

All right-- Hey, wait, here he comes.

He's very sensitive about this. Don't say anything about his acting.

- Hey, everybody. - Hey, Woody.

If I'd known you wanted a role so bad, I would've stopped at the bakery.

Sam.

I'm sorry. But how did the audition go?

Great. I said my lines faster than anyone else.

Woodman, when did you get bit by the old acting bug?

Well, back in high school in Hanover.

I was in the chorus of the senior class production of Hello, Donald.

Isn't that Hello, Dolly?

Oh, no, no, they had to change the name.

Donald Wexler was the only guy who could sing the part.

So, what's this play you tried out for?

Well, it's a brand-new one.

It's called Authors in Hell.

I'm hoping to play either Mark Twain,

one of the guys from the Algonquin Round Table, or Satan.

Heck, I'd be just as happy playing a fire-breathing incubus.

They get to stay on-stage the whole four hours.

Hey, hey, that's my director, Grif Palmer.

This must mean I got the part.

Or that he's thirsty.

Hi, Mr. Palmer.

Can I get you a drink?

- No, thanks. - I got the part!

Woody, you're a multi-talented young man.

I didn't get the part?

Well, you know, I've tried out so many times, and I've never gotten a part.

Maybe I'm just wasting my time in the theatre.

Come on, Woody, don't give up so easily.

Once upon a time, there was a young man named Grif Palmer

who also auditioned for many a role that he didn't get.

- As many as me? - Well, no.

Wait, wait, I've got a thought.

What would you say if I told you I've selected a fresh new face

to understudy the role of Mark Twain?

I think you'll be hearing his name quite a bit from now on.

Mr. Woody Boyd.

Hey, that's me! Hey, everybody, I'm going to be an understudy.

Hey. All right, man, that's great.

- All right, Woods. - Yeah.

Woody, this isn't going to interfere with your job, is it?

Gee, I don't think so.

Well, yeah.

I'm sorry, Woody, I need you here nights.

Miss Howe, this is my golden chance.

I have to do this.

Don't you understand? I just gotta do it. I just gotta!

That was really good, man.

Can I talk to you just for a second?

Let him do it.

I would love to, but I need him here.

Well, he'll be here. You saw that performance.

They're not gonna let him go on.

Break a leg, Woody.

All right!

Welcome to the theatre, Woody.

To the ranks of the Lunts and the Oliviers,

to a profession ripe with style,

with history, with dignity.

To a calling I only hope will bring you as much joy as it has brought me.

- Hi. - Hello.

- You know Grif Palmer? - Yeah.

He's the janitor at my kids' school.

Hello, good-mannered and agreeable children.

Hey, everybody, look who's here.

It's that famous actor Robert DeZero.

No, Carla, it's me, Woody.

Woody, you have been coming in here dressed in that ridiculous get-up

for three weeks. Now, when are you gonna stop this nonsense?

Carla, as an understudy, I have to be dressed

and ready to go on at a moment's notice.

Putting on makeup like this can take hours,

but I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Why? Because I'm not in the theatre?

No, because you don't wear makeup.

Huckleberry alert.

Hey, Mark Twit.

Woody, would you run upstairs and get some change?

Ones and fives, new bills if they've got them.

Let us not be too particular.

It is better to have old, second-hand diamonds than none at all.

Do you think you could manage it without any quotes?

I could do it as easy as falling off a log.

Woody, just do it!

When angry, count four. When very angry, swear.

- Damn it! - There you go.

Sam, run upstairs and get me some change.

Oh, come on, that's the junior bartender's job.

You are the junior bartender.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Yeah, but I'm working my way up, you know.

Pretty soon I might even own my own bar.

Good evening, ma'am.

Oh, hello there.

Oh, thank you.

I'm blind as a bat without glasses.

I've never seen a bat with glasses.

That's funny.

Yeah, I can imagine.

I believe it might rain soon.

One of the brightest gems in the New England weather

is the dazzling uncertainty of it.

Well, what can you do?

Everybody talks about the weather,

but no one ever does anything about it.

May I have a glass of white wine, please?

Wine, white wine.

Let's see now.

They have a lot of wine in San Francisco, don't they?

Oh, I suppose they do.

One of the coldest winters I ever spent was summer in San Francisco.

Sorry, that's close as I could get.

You're rather amusing.

Oh, thanks, but I've been quoting Mark Twain.

I know. I think that's amusing.

And I suppose that you've been told that you look something like him.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

You know, you look a little bit like Emily Dickinson.

- She's one of the authors in hell. - Oh, that's an unkind assumption, sir.

Although she's never been one of my favorites either.

Here's your change

and, oh, yeah, a little something for you here.

- What is it? - One of the shrimps from the buffet.

You're lucky. My first choice was an oyster.

So was mine, but I hired you.

I haven't seen you in here before, have I?

No, I don't get around much since my husband, Lloyd, passed away.

We used to come by here every evening during our walk,

but Lloyd never let us come in.

He got jealous when I was around other men.

I can see why.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Oh, I think you're blushing.

Oh, it's the wine.

Although, as Mark Twain said, "Man is the only animal that blushes."

Or needs to.

All aboard the S.S. Delmonico,

embarking at 0900 hours for Nassau, St. Thomas, Martinique,

and other exotic ports of call.

So you took my advice, huh?

Yes, as of close of business today, it's just us.

A couple of fun-loving swabbies lost at sea.

We'll be Todo incommunicado.

No business, no clients, no phone call--

Lilith, we promised no beepers.

I won't give it up without a fight.

You'll have to perform a strip search.

The vacation has begun.

Now hear this. Hear this, Sternin,

prepare to be boarded.

Folks, I have a bit of bad news that may affect a lot of you.

I'm not gonna beat around the bush.

I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

Last call.

Well, what the heck.

Maybe I'll give Vera a thrill and go home a little early tonight.

Although, you know, she did look kind of thrilled when I left.

Excuse me, Mary.

Listen, I'll be back in a second and then I'll see you home.

Oh, that's all right.

But thank you. I've had a wonderful evening.

Well, I have too.

I really enjoyed your company.

- You're a very nice lady. - And you're a lovely gentleman.

And, may I add, you have the most glorious head of hair

I've seen on any man since my Lloyd died.

Gee, I hate to disappoint you, but this is a wig.

Yes, so was Lloyd's.

Pardon me, ma'am,

but that adorable bartender over there...

- Woody? - Yes.

Is he keeping company with anyone in particular?

- Not that I know of. - Well, I think he's very special.

Well, I guess that's the nicest way of putting it.

- Good night. - Good night.

Oh, Woods.

You know that dust in a dress you've been yakking with?

- Mary? - You didn't by any chance

happen to tell her that you're wearing old man makeup for a play, did you?

That sort of thing is pretty hard to work into polite conversation.

With your makeup, and the lighting in here,

and those Mr. Magoo glasses of hers, I think she got the wrong idea.

She's got the hots for you.

Carla, you're crazy.

She's just a sad old woman who needed someone to talk to.

You of all people should understand that.

There's no way she's gonna go for me.

I mean, in order for her to fall in love with me,

I'd have to be the best darn actor in Boston.

Oh, no, I'm the best darn actor in Boston.

Hello, man.

I'm sorry, limbo night is Tuesday, man.

Stop with the bad mouth styling or I'm gonna bop you on the head

with the banana boat, man.

Frasier, please cut the calypso.

Isn't it enough the cab driver already took a swing at you?

You guys look like you had a good time.

We had oodles of fun.

And we lost a combined 11 pounds to boot.

Wait a minute, you lost weight on a cruise?

I heard there are wall-to-wall meals.

There are also wall-to-wall waves.

Yes. Well, fortunately, after three days of giving Chef Hugo's fine cuisine

back to the sea, we were fitted with these little ear patches.

They seemed to do the trick.

And put us to sleep for the rest of the trip.

So you guys spent seven days and nights snoozing and barfing

your way through the Caribbean?

And we've never felt slimmer and more refreshed.

Well, what say we go and get some lunch there, my little marine melon?

Anything you want.

Just promise me you won't refer to the waitress as "sister."

Day-o, day-o

Daylight come And me want to go home

You're not the only one.

Oh, hey, Woody, I thought your play closed.

It did last night.

Well, so, what's with the old-geezer drag?

I was with Mary.

- Another date, huh? - It wasn't a date.

I just took her to lunch, then a movie and then dancing.

Hey, Woody, Woody, Woody, man, this is crazy.

You know, you've been out with Mary every night this week.

You can't spend your life dressed up like Mark Twain.

Why not? He did.

Oh, Sam, I don't know what to do.

I've tried to tell her, but every time I do,

she just stares at me with those big lonely eyes.

Man, who would have thought that my God-given acting talent

was gonna turn out to be a curse?

Are we voting?

You gotta nip this in the bud.

Yeah. Yeah, I agree there, Woody.

For a young man such as yourself to be spending so much time

with an older woman is... It's just unnatural.

Yeah, well, how about you, Cliff?

You spend lots of time with your mother and she's old.

My mom's not old and she's never gonna die before I do,

so just shut up, okay?

Hey, hey, Woods, Mary just came in.

Maybe you should get her a glass of something.

She doesn't drink in the afternoon.

No, I mean to put her teeth in.

- Hi, Mary. - Hi.

- What are you doing here? - I just wanted to see you again.

Yeah.

Can we sit down? I'd like to talk with you a second.

All right.

Listen, I know how lonely you've been since Lloyd passed away.

Oh, how lonely I was.

I'm not anymore.

You know,

loneliness is highly underrated.

It's one of the few things left that you can still do alone.

Did Mark Twain say that?

Well, no, but I'm kind of running out of his material.

Now, there's something I want to give you.

It's Lloyd's watch.

I want you to have it.

- No, I couldn't. I couldn't. - Oh, please.

Gee, thanks, Mary.

- Would you excuse me for a second? - Sure.

Oh, wait.

I just want to memorize the way you look in this light.

Go ahead.

Sam, I don't know what to do.

Now she's memorizing the way I look in different kinds of light.

Oh, I don't know, Woody. Women do that all the time.

Yeah, and she gave me her dead husband's watch.

You could do a lot worse.

Listen, you gotta end this.

Right now. Go on.

I don't know how.

I can't stand the thought of hurting somebody's feelings.

I know.

Carla, you've been dumped a million times.

What's the best way to do it?

You know, the only reason I'm not cleaning your clock

is because you remind me of Jed Clampett.

Listen, you are not dumping her, you're leveling with her.

Now, it's the only honest thing to do.

Now, go on, be a man. Do it.

You're right, Sam.

It's time I stood on my own two feet and did what's right.

Right.

Will you come with me?

This is something you gotta do yourself.

- I can't. - Woody-- I'm not gonna do it, Woody.

- Please, Sam. - No, man.

I can't do this by myself. You gotta help me.

- All right, all right, I'm sorry. - Thank you.

Can you believe I'm just an understudy?

- Mary? - Yes.

Woody wants to tell you something.

Well...

Mary, you see...

I mean, you know how...?

I don't suppose there's any chance you understand what I'm talking about yet?

Actually, I do.

Let me explain something to you, Woody.

I'm a very lonely woman since I lost my husband.

My family lives out of state, I never see my grandchildren,

and most of my friends have moved or passed away.

Seems my days are so hard to fill.

I swear, there were mornings

when it didn't seem worthwhile getting out of bed.

- And then I met you-- - Stop, stop.

Will you marry me?

Heavens, no.

I'm three times your age.

You know that I'm young?

Well, Woody, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Well, why didn't you ever tell me this?

Well, I enjoyed your company so, and besides, every time I wanted to,

you started quoting "The Jumping Frog of Calaveras County."

Now, I hope you're not upset with me.

Oh, are you kidding? I'm just glad I didn't have to dump you.

Besides, you had such fun playing the part, and you were quite excellent.

You sure you don't want to marry me?

No, Woody.

Then will you be my grandma?

Oh, well, maybe a favorite aunt.

All right, it's a deal.

My birthday's July 23rd.

I just gave you the watch.

By the way, we're still on for pot roast on Saturday.

Leave the wig at home.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

Well, I guess in a really weird way it kind of worked out, didn't it?

Yeah, but I'm still a little depressed.

- Why? - Well...

I mean, Mary knows I'm a good actor, but now that Authors in Hell is closed,

I'm not gonna get to show the rest of the world.

Oh, yeah.

Wait, I got an idea. Why don't you do it right here?

Hop right up there and show the whole bar.

Oh, well, I don't know.

All right.

Gather round, everybody. I'm gonna do Authors in Hell.

I mean, if that's all right with you, Miss Howe.

Well, I was planning to wait for the movie, but go ahead.

Imagine, if you will, a huge book opens up,

and I, Mark Twain, step out.

I am surrounded by various tormented American writers and Satan.

The lights dim.

Persons attempting...

...to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted.

Persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished.

Persons attempting to find a plot in it...

...will be shot.

Woody, go on.

I just sit here and smoke.

I don't talk again till the middle of act four.