Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Boy, look at her.

What a glow she has.

Strange as it sounds, there are actually times

when I resent being a man.

Oh, that's all right, Fras, sometimes we resent you being one.

I was referring to Carla's condition.

See, she's able to do something we men never shall.

Experience the miracle of creating a new life.

I have to admit, I've often wondered what it would be like

to have another human being moving around inside you.

- It must be spooky, but real neato. - Yeah.

There's probably nothing so awesome in the entire universe.

Yes, gentlemen, I'm afraid

that we've been relegated to the position of observer.

Passive, sitting on the sidelines, doomed by nature to a life of envy.

God, it feels like there's a dump truck parked on my bladder.

But then again, nature is wise in her way.

What makes me think this belongs to you?

My jasmine-scented Oriental massage oil.

God, I thought I'd lost this.

I found it wedged underneath the couch cushions in my office.

I don't think I wanna know how it got there.

I'm kind of curious.

Tell you what, why don't you put that back where you found it

and that way we'll know where it is when we need it.

When hell freezes over.

Well, that's perfect, because this stuff heats up when you rub it in.

You know, what's wrong with her? You know?

Maybe one of the chains in her underwear is twisted.

- Afternoon, everybody. - Hey!

What's going on, Mr. Peterson?

Let's talk about what's going in Mr. Peterson.

- Beer, Woody. - How's the job hunting going?

Oh, lots better, Sam.

Today I actually got turned down for an executive position.

It's a good way to lose that.

I'm sorry, Mr. Peterson. You've been cut off.

Okay, where's the camera?

This is no joke. According to my books, you are way over your credit limit.

What's the big deal? What's he over, 10, 20 bucks?

Eight hundred thirty-seven.

Then in other words, under $900.

You can't cut off one of our regulars.

The poor guy's unemployed.

Look, Miss Howe, Norm here is in a very delicate spot.

His self-confidence has been shattered.

What he needs from us now is help and support.

Isn't there some other way to resolve this?

Well, you could pay his bar bill.

Norm, the woman will not listen to reason.

Maybe he could work it off, huh?

No, I'm serious. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

Maybe there's some accounting he could do for the bar.

Our corporation's books are handled by Franklin, Sussman and Goorwitz.

They're very good, Sam. They canned me a couple years ago.

Please.

- Are you good at anything? - Yeah, but you cut him off.

No, no, come on. Don't you have any other skills?

- I can barbecue. - Oh, hey, yeah.

All right, I did a little house painting in college,

you know, to make ends meet.

No, no, I think they're talking about a job where you get paid with money,

not with little grain pellets dropped out of a chute.

- You got something against painters? - No, no, no.

I'm in favor of hiring the blithering.

You need any painting done around here?

I guess you could repaint the office. Are you willing?

It's been an awfully long time.

Oh, yeah. It's gonna take at least, what, seven, eight seconds

to relearn that skill.

You know, Cliff, I'm beginning to pick up a little thread here.

Would you mind explaining this little obsession you have about painters?

Well, all right.

It's manual labor. I mean, it's beneath you, Norm.

You take a job like this, we're gonna be in an entirely different social strata.

We'll have nothing to talk about, all right?

Semigloss or enamel?

Hey, Woody, would you close up for me tonight? I gotta get home.

No problem, Carla.

By the way, I really am envious of you having a nice big family to go home to.

Oh, yeah, it's great all right.

I got 11 people living under a roof that was meant for only six.

Gino's dog just had puppies on my side of the bed.

My daughter-in-law is driving me nuts

and somehow my mother-in-law got a hold of our address.

Puppies. You lucky duck.

We only sing about it Every 20 years

- See how... - You seem to be enjoying yourself.

Oh, sorry.

No, that's all right.

You got a phone call here. "Eva Ake"?

I could swear it was a man. Oh, there's paint here. Evan Drake.

- That's my boss. - Yeah.

What did he say?

He said he wants you to tear up my bar bill.

I didn't think I'd get away with that. But, no, he said he's on his way over here.

Sometime like, well, Nowish.

Now?

God.

Shall I comb my hair too or will I be leaving?

This is just a business meeting.

Rebecca Howe.

Oh, hello, Mr. Drake.

I thought you were-- Norm.

No, no, no, I know you're not Norm. You're Evan.

What I meant to say was-- Get out of here.

No, no, no, not you. You stay right where you are.

No, I-- Get out!

Wait, oh, hello?

Well, that was fast, Mr. P.

Yeah, she got a phone call from Mr. Drake.

Hey, Mr. Peterson, I really feel bad about you being cut off.

Yeah.

You know, I remember the good old days

when you used to come in here and say something funny.

I'd pour you a beer.

You'd drink it. I'd pour you another, you'd drink that too.

Yeah. Yeah, I remember, Woody.

Look at that, hardly even touched.

I'll tell you, I don't normally drink beer,

but I just cleaned the taps and I wanted to make sure

that everything was all right, so I had one.

It was like a mountain stream, only colder and fresher.

You know, sometimes there's nothing like a nice cold beer

to really hit the spot.

Yeah, I think I read that somewhere, Woody.

You know, I really like this color.

I think it's gonna really spruce up the office quite a bit.

Then again, it's just an opinion.

Is there something wrong?

Hey, well, yes, I understand. Of course.

Here, here, have a seat.

- Oh, God. - Here.

Some authority figure.

I'm sorry. It's probably just job stress.

You shouldn't be having job stress. You're doing a great job.

Oh, tell that to Mr. Drake.

He said I should consider the last fiscal report

a personal embarrassment.

Norm, I need your help.

You just started. You're gonna do fine. Things are gonna turn around.

- I swear it. - No, you idiot.

My hair's stuck to the wall.

- Oh, great. - No, it's really-- It's not that bad.

I paid big bucks to have Vera's hair frosted. Didn't turn out half as good.

Well, maybe I better take off.

When people are upset, they like to be alone.

Nonsense. I'm fine.

I'm talking about me. I'm feeling a little queasy.

No, please stay.

I mean, this office is a real inconvenience like this.

Would you like to talk about what just happened?

No.

You really do seem to be enjoying this job.

Yeah, you know, I actually do.

You know, I think painting is just so vastly different from accounting.

This is real, you know. This I have some control over.

I mean, when I look back, I finish a job, I can say, "You know, I did that."

The door must have moved.

You know, I think that this color is the exact same color

- as Mary Lou Seebold's car coat. - Who?

This girl I had an insane crush on in the third grade.

Except she had no idea that I was alive.

I used to leave little notes for her. "I love you."

And one day I finally got up the nerve to sign one. "NP."

The next week she was going steady with my best friend, Nicky Petropoulos.

- What'd you do? - The only thing I could do, really.

I went over to Nicky and I calmly explained the situation.

Then I sat on him.

Oh, God.

I think that's the first time I really laughed since I took over here.

Oh, it is, trust me.

Why'd you tell me that story?

Well, I don't know. It's kind of late. We're alone.

I'm a man. You're a woman.

Maybe it's the paint talking.

- Norm? - Yeah.

Do you find me cold?

You? Cold?

I wouldn't say cold. Coolish. All right?

In the brisk area, but...

- Why? Who says you're cold? - Everyone.

- I don't think you're cold. - Really?

Yeah. I always meant to tell you that

but I didn't feel as though I could approach you.

Thank you, Norm.

Thank you.

Well, I better get out of here. Would you mind locking up for me?

No, no, I don't mind at all.

Listen, would you please not mention that I like painting to the guys?

Cliff already thinks I'm a weenie.

Well, from what I've seen, he's an authority.

And, really, thanks for letting me paint an office that clearly didn't need it.

No problem. You're a nice man, Norm.

You're kind of nice yourself.

- I guess we like each other. - Guess so.

Great.

- This'll just be our little secret. - All right.

I'm a little worried about the direction this bar is taking.

- How so? - Well, it just doesn't seem right

when the stakes for a game of pool is a round of wine spritzers.

Not even the poolroom is safe from the encroaching hordes of yuppiedom.

How long will it be until we're all suffocated beneath an avalanche

of alligator shirts, German cars, and racquetball-club memberships?

Oh, by the way, Sam, may I have another Perrier with lime?

- Can I have a cup of coffee, Sam? - Make it a beer. On the house.

I say we check the office for pods from outer space.

Yeah, I wonder what that's all about, huh?

Look, did it ever occur to any of you that she just might be a nice woman?

Oh, yeah, right. And so am I.

So how come you guys are so chummy?

Sorry, Sam, can't talk about it. Kind of private.

Give me a break. Guys are supposed to talk about girls behind their backs.

Didn't I tell you everything about me and Diane?

Well, now's your chance to thank me.

I'm not really at liberty to go into details.

Suffice it to say,

Miss Howe had a little personal crisis last night, okay?

A few tears were shed.

Real tears?

You sure she didn't just pull a hair out of her nose?

No, Carla, she got a little sad and I happened to be there to comfort her.

I think it really just takes a little warmth and compassion

and she warms right up to you.

Compassion, huh?

Mr. Malone, do you realize we're running low on seltzer?

I'm so sorry. How can these things happen?

- Is there anything I can do? - Yes. Let me know next time.

Well, of course I will. I just hope that's enough.

- Are you feeling all right? - Yes, thank you very much.

That's very sweet of you to ask.

Norm, I gave you my address, didn't I?

- Yep. See you tomorrow. - See you.

- What was that all about? - A bit of painting at her apartment.

Listen, you know, I can really sympathize with your situation.

If painting, the fumes and everything, bothers you,

you can always spend the night at my place.

I don't think so.

Well, that's it. I say she's a guy.

Good night, Sammy.

Say, Norm, wait a second here.

You know-- You know, I like to paint.

Why don't I help you, man? You know, come on.

No, I know you. You just wanna log a little sack time with her.

Come on, no, the truth is, I just--

I gotta find out if it's a real human being in there, man.

I can't keep working for a cold fish. Please, come on.

All right, but no funny stuff.

No, I swear to God. I won't touch her. I won't touch her.

I make no guarantees about you.

You've been driving me crazy in this white outfit.

Yeah? You should see me in my caftan.

- Oh, hi, Norm, come on in. - Thank you.

- I was just-- - Hi.

Oh, God, now it knows where I live.

Sorry. I needed a helper, and when I checked around,

most of the fellows expected to be paid.

And you're doing this for nothing?

Well, it's an act of compassion.

I'm doing this out of the goodness of my heart.

- Norm? - Yeah?

I'd like all the wood here

and the moldings done in high gloss.

- Great. - If you have any questions,

- if you need anything, I'll be in the back. - Okay.

So that's where the old bedroom is, huh?

- Sammy, - What? I'm not doing anything.

- You promised. - No, no, I'm fine.

All right, I wanna start with sanding for you, okay?

All right, try this.

Oh, it's right here. Yeah.

I'll do a little taping.

Hey, come on. Hey, Sam.

Come on, Sam. You have to do it with the grain, okay?

Sand with the grain.

My arm hurts when I do it like that.

Very sorry, Sam. That's the way it has to be done. All right?

I don't think I like sanding.

Try and tape one pane at a time, all right?

I don't think I like taping either.

Norm? It's Carla on the phone.

Your wife needs you at home right away.

Something about two feet of water in the basement.

Oh, boy, that's serious.

That's like a foot more than usual.

Sorry. It's just a little delay. I'll be right back.

- No problem. - Sammy, can I trust you here alone?

Yeah, swear to God, I won't touch her.

Tragic. Absolutely tragic.

I beg your pardon?

I just couldn't help thinking about Norm's basement.

Yes?

Well, it's not just, you know, all that water filling up.

You know, it's just photo albums, those old letters.

Cherished mementos, you know, ruined for...

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, boy.

Oh, this is embarrassing.

I'm sorry, I just...

I can't help feeling this way ever since my dog Lucky died.

Something's going on here.

I'm not exactly sure what it is.

Could it be that you're jerking me around?

Okay.

I'm sorry.

It's just there's a rumor going around the bar

that you got this soft side and I just thought I'd like to see it for myself.

Maybe get to know you better.

I guess I ought to just...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I wanna get this straight.

You came over here on your day off to paint my living room

in hopes of getting to know me better?

Pretty silly, huh?

What'd you wanna know?

Well?

I'm thinking. I didn't think I was gonna get this far.

Well, all right, all right.

- Where were you born? - San Diego.

San Diego.

- California, huh? - No, Kansas.

My father's a captain in the Navy. My mother's an interior designer.

My brother's a surgeon. My other brother's an attorney.

My sister was Miss San Diego.

The only really happy moment of my life

is when I ran away to San Francisco and hung out with Grace Slick.

Do you wanna know the lyrics to "White Rabbit" or can I quit now?

Boy, it sounds like some of the kids in your family are pretty successful, huh?

Yeah, well, if you measure success in terms of wealth, happiness

and my father's undying devotion, maybe.

Yeah, boy, I know. I got a brother like that.

International lawyer.

Handsome, smart, funny.

And the guy plays the piano,

he speaks four languages, flies his own jet.

Seems like my whole life I've been trying to get out from under his shadow.

I know just what you mean.

Does he ever come in the bar?

No, but I'll call him if you'll call Miss San Diego.

No, they'd probably end up leaving together.

Well, this is kind of a warm and friendly moment, isn't it?

I must admit, it's a better moment than I ever thought I'd have with you.

I'm glad this happened.

Yeah, me too.

Will you excuse me a moment?

What are you gonna do?

I think I better change.

Honesty. Who would have thought?

Say, can I--? Great, great, great. Can I put on some music here?

Sure. Be my guest.

I'm gonna be at the gym for a couple hours.

But you just go right on--

You jerk.

What?

This whole thing about coming over here and painting

is just another stupid attempt to get me into bed.

I am shocked and deeply insulted.

God. I told you all that personal stuff about my brothers and my sister

and me being the fattest girl in school.

- Wait a minute. You didn't tell me that. - Well, I wasn't. Get out.

Slow down here. Just li-- I admit it.

I'm attracted to you. Now, what's the big deal?

Is that a crime or something?

You always this defensive about people who find you sexy?

No, just you.

Is that right?

I'll tell you something, lady.

There was a time when I was considering making love to you,

but now it's out of the question.

As a matter of fact, I wouldn't make love to you if you asked me,

if you begged me to make love, I wouldn't.

Go ahead, just ask me. Just try. See what happens.

- Will you make love to me? - Well, okay, but just once.